Oriented towards the future or towards the past?

[Ginevra]

This conversation I recently had amongst some friends (all in the 48-56 age range and current or former homeschoolers) really prompted a lot of thought. I never really thought about this before but I realized I am very future-oriented. Some of my friends were saying that, now that their kids are grown they feel oriented more to the past - remembering raising them and homeschooling them, etc. That’s surprising to me because, though all of that is mostly in the past for me, too, I feel like I’m still anticipatory about my kids’ (and my own) future.

Will my daughter get engaged? Will she go on the graduate school and will that involve moving far away? Will my son meet someone to love? When will that happen? How will the rest of his college career play out? What will he do after that? And my youngest - how will high school be for him? Where will he go? What will he study? It’s all so interesting to me to think about and to see unfold. And grandkids! Presumably I might get a couple of those eventually. 

Even in my own life - I feel like, I’m not looking back, I’m looking forward. I have two quotes hanging beside my mirror where I get ready in the morning and, after this conversation, I realized even those two quotes are future-oriented. One is C.S. Lewis and says, “You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream.” The other says, “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.” 

So, how about you? Do you feel you’re more future oriented or past oriented? Has it changed as your kids have grown? 

[maize]

You need another option--living in the moment.

I would say this is where I am. I've never been past oriented, except maybe during a period of rather nostalgic homesickness as a child. I've never been particularly future oriented either, though there have been times when I became deeply involved in researching and planning for the future--as when my oldest child was preschool age and I read everything I could about homeschooling and made grand plans for what we were going to do :) I frankly found the stage of just babies and toddlers rather mind numbing and eagerly anticipated the day when I could do more with my kids that was interesting to me. This may be why we were doing sea creature dissections when my oldest was in kindergarten...

[Jaybee]

Well--staying home with my kids, raising them, and homeschooling them was something I enjoyed immensely (for the most part). It was what I had wanted to do for years, and I loved that being my focus. It's been a couple of years since I moved out of that stage, and I am trying to embrace the present and look to the future. While some of that future has been out in front for awhile--thinking of my children's future, for instance--I have found myself needing some time to re-orient when it comes to myself. Because I enjoyed that part of my life so much, and it isn't available anymore, it left me feeling a little anchor-less for awhile. Fostering or caring for others' children isn't an option right now for several reasons, and I don't think it will be in the future. One of my hopes for this year is that I will be able to find a better grounding in where I am in the present, and become more disciplined in fulfilling some personal goals of more intentional studying and writing, as well as some other things. But I find myself wiped out mentally after work, so it is hard to make myself focus in the evenings. I'm still trying to get a picture of what my life needs to look like now and in the future. So in answer to the question--present and future, with fond feelings toward the past. Hope this makes sense.

[Scarlett]

I am currently mind shatteringly stuck in the past.  Reliving every move I made to try and make sense of or justify the present. It is a stage of trauma though.  I am sure of this.  If things had gone better...I think I would be more future looking.  
 

So there is that.  

[Ali in OR]

I think there is a transition period when you're phasing out of homeschooling but haven't hit your next thing yet. It's easy to get caught up in memories. I think i may have even had a little depression and thinking there wasn't much left to look forward to. But now that I'm on to my next thing (working outside the home for first time in 20-some years), I've moved past that and am very happy to be more focused on the future.

[Rosie_0801]

I think they are both the same to me. Perhaps that will change one day.

[Garga]

I’ve only recently started looking a bit at the past.  I’m 47 and my kids are 14 and 17 and still in high school.  I’m using a cyberschool this year and my ds17 works 99% alone and my ds14 works about 30% alone, so I’m still very hands on in the youngest’s education.  School days are still very busy as I sit with him and engage with him over his studies for about 6 hours a day.

However, starting cyberschool and handing over a lot of control of the boys’ education has had me thinking about the past.  It has hit me this year that what we had in the past, is firmly in the past.  I don’t usually notice little kids, but just last week I saw a little kid (about 5) who looked a lot like my oldest when he was 5, and I felt a tug on my heart, realizing that that stage is firmly and completely over.  When my oldest (and youngest) were 5, I parented differently than I would if I had a 5 yo now.  I changed my parenting style a lot and I do wish I could go back and raise them better than I did. But I suspect those thoughts are normal.  I don’t dwell on them, but they have been popping up lately with a poignancy they never had in the past.

I don’t think much about the future yet. My oldest is not happy to approach adulthood and I think he will take some extra time to launch (1 or 2 more years than the traditional 4 years of college). I’m still just trying to parent him through right now and don’t have much left over to think of his future. We have a plan in place for how to handle college, but beyond that I don’t think about it much.

For the youngest, he’s in 9th and we have pretty much the same plan as for the oldest penciled in for him unless he comes up with a new one before he graduates, so I’m not often thinking about his future.

Up until now, I’ve not had the time/energy to think of my own future, in regards to preparing for not staying home raising kids/homeschooling anymore.  When the youngest graduates, I’ll be 50 years old with no college degree.  Until very recently, the thought of homeschooling and going to college has been overwhelming. I already feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water and adding college to that is more than I felt I could take.  But I think that when the youngest is in 11th grade and is more independent with his school work, I will probably go to college and get at least a two year degree in something or other, so I don’t have to work at McDonalds when the kids don’t need me anymore. I need to work for a good 10-15 years to beef up our retirement.  For the first time, I feel ready to prepare for that. 

Mostly I feel as maize feels: I’m living in the moment.

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Garga

[Loowit]

For me it really depends on the time of year and my mood.  Lately it has been a lot of looking back at life.  Holidays, birthdays, major events like weddings often lead to me being nostalgic. When I am having problems with my depression, I also will look at the past, mostly mistakes and have trouble getting past them.

But then there are times like right now that we are starting a new year and getting back into the school grove next week that I am more looking forward to what will life be like in a few year, and how will my life and that of my family have changed.

[Katy]

Mostly in the future, since I was old enough to think about it.

[Chris in VA]

I am usually a "past" person, but not in a healthy way. Lately I have been longing for the past but also looking to get out of a situation I can't control and looking to the future when it will be over. 

I just think it is really important to develop the skill of appreciating where you are now. I suck at it. 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Chris in VA

[Arcadia]

I have always been future oriented because one can’t change the past. I also live in the moment. My husband is forced to be future oriented because he is in the sandwich generation since his grandmother and his parents don’t have pension. His sister is unemployed and his brother doesn't have job security either. 

[PrincessMommy]

18 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I am usually a "past" person, but not in a healthy way. Lately I have been longing for the past but also looking to get out of a situation I can't control and looking to the future when it will be over. 

I just think it is really important to develop the skill of appreciating where you are now. I suck at it. 

This describes me very much.  I'm definitely looking towards the past and dealing with regrets.  I also suck at appreciating where I am.    If I'm truly honest with myself, however, I don't feel particularly optimistic about the future either.  I feel very stuck in a rut which I don't think I can get out of.  

[Robin M]

I am more future oriented although I tend to stay most often in the present, worrying about the now.  Don’t dwell on the past much unlike my hubby who is always reminiscing.  However my aspie son who never forgets a thing and analyzes every thing, randomly questions my actions in the past and asks if I’m sorry.  *facepalm*.  Sometimes the answer is no, just being a parent and other times, we will seriously discuss it, given that he finally figured out cause and affect.  

[Tap]

I am stuck in quick sand. I live a life, brutally stuck in the present, unable to move. The smallest attempts to get out of the mire, just tightens the grasp.  I can't plan for the future because too many times, dreams and plans have been shattered and it drags me down further and further each time. I no longer trust the future is a better place, because every big movement in my life for the past 15 years has been in a negative direction. The past is what got me here, so dwelling on that doesn't help. I can't regret every step of my life. I can't hope for anything better in the future, when every step forward seems to lead to two back. So, I live one day at a time, and I smile no matter what I am feeling on the inside. I am not depressed. It is just the reality of where I am.

[Pawz4me]

I try very hard to stay present in the moment. That's been especially true since DH's cancer diagnosis, when "right now/this moment" became one of my mental mantras. But if the choice is strictly between past and future I'm future oriented. Always have been.

[Laura Corin]

Future. Particularly now. I have plans.

[MEmama]

Future. In my personal life and in the bigger picture.

I work in a very old community, and the constant looking backward and refusal to embrace the present and future drives me crazy. There’s a lot of denial wrapped up in the mindset and I just don’t get it.

On a more personal level, I’m excited for what the future holds for DS (even if the road is bumpy atm), and for what empty nesting will look like. DH and I have so many plans, so many places we want to explore together. 

I loved homeschooling, but I never ever look back on those years or miss them. I feel like I was truly present and took full advantage of the opportunity, and we was ready to move on when we did. That’s how I've always tried to live my life. 

[DawnM]

I go back and forth.

I so miss the days my kids were younger and we did a lot together, etc.....so I think about them often.

And I think of the future a lot.  And I worry.  

[Jaybee]

I do sometimes look with regret at the past; things I wish I could change, things I wish I had known, etc. I've made mistakes, of course. But I have to remind myself that life means growth, and you can't know what you don't know; that is, I have grown and changed and know things now that I didn't know then. So...onward and upward, asking forgiveness for the past mistakes/sins, and looking to the future.

[edelweiss]

I try very hard to stay in the present, otherwise I will spend too much time being nostalgic for the past.  I have loved being home with my kids.  I know that nothing in my life will ever be better than the years that I had my kids at home and we were our own little unit.  So, it is very hard knowing that those years are coming to a close.  I have been dreading it for years.  My oldest daughter is a freshman in college and my younger daughter is a junior in high school now, so I am trying to stay in the moment and soak up these last few moments of joy.  

I don't have anything I am particularly looking forward to in the future.  I don't have any goals or dreams or desires for the future once my kids are out of the house.  In some ways it will be a relief because I will have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish-- completing my girls' educations and seeing them to adulthood.  But I also will be very sad that it is over.  I have thought a lot about it and there is absolutely nothing that I want to do at that point, so I think I will continue to focus on the present and get through day-by-day.  

[Familia]

Future.  But, I have trained myself to live in the present.  That's where the Grace is.

[Wheres Toto]

Mostly future, whether that means the immediate future like tomorrow or next week, or the long term future.   I still have quite a few years left to homeschool (6 before youngest dd is done), I'm building a business so thinking about where we are going with that.  Most of my long-term plans surround those two things.  Oldest dd is in a serious relationship that may lead to marriage and babies, so I'm thinking a little bit about that too.     Short term I'm always getting ready for what needs to be done for my classes the next day or the next week, planning homeschooling going forward, plans to lose weight and get healthier.  

I do occasionally think about the past.  Oldest dd asked me the other day what happened between her dad and I.   But I don't tend to dwell on it except to be glad I was able to move on from much of the past (not just dd's dad, some of the way I grew up too).  

[unsinkable]

It's weird...I'd love to be a Be Here Now type person. And yet...

But I love history, and the volunteer work I'm doing now is past and preservation focused. So it is pulling me back to old neighborhoods and places that "used to be" which leads to so many personal childhood memories and the memories of a culture that is long gone from this city and the U.S. in general. 

In a related situation, I found a couple old news articles about my dad that showed him as an ordinary, every day kind of guy (not articles about trouble he got into, which I knew about it and had read years ago) and I feel like it broke my heart in a way that the articles about him breaking the law didn 't. Like a whole bunch of feelings of what could have been FOR HIM had he made different choices. I might not be here, LOL.

And another strange past oriented thing...those darling little Baby Yoda memes...they are killing me! My kids keep sending me the ones that start "4 year old me..." or " 6 year old me... " and go on to say something about an innocent childhood memory. And it reminds me of how sweet and innocent and adorable my babies were...

I want a Baby Yoda. 

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

It's weird...I'd love to be a Be Here Now type person. And yet...

But I love history, and the volunteer work I'm doing now is past and preservation focused. So it is pulling me back to old neighborhoods and places that "used to be" which leads to so many personal childhood memories and the memories of a culture that is long gone from this city and the U.S. in general. 

In a related situation, I found a couple old news articles about my dad that showed him as an ordinary, every day kind of guy (not articles about trouble he got into, which I knew about it and had read years ago) and I feel like it broke my heart in a way that the articles about him breaking the law didn 't. Like a whole bunch of feelings of what could have been FOR HIM had he made different choices. I might not be here, LOL.

And another strange past oriented thing...those darling little Baby Yoda memes...they are killing me! My kids keep sending me the ones that start "4 year old me..." or " 6 year old me... " and go on to say something about an innocent childhood memory. And it reminds me of how sweet and innocent and adorable my babies were...

I want a Baby Yoda. 

Is your dad famous?  How cool to have articles written about his life.  

[unsinkable]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Is your dad famous?  How cool to have articles written about his life.  

No, not at all. He was a small town boy/man for the beginning of his life.

The articles were about a prisoner of war who was being released at end of the Korean War and included my dad bc he was related by marriage to the POW.

Like I said...these were nice, not ones about him getting in trouble/arrested. Those articles weren't so cool, hahaha.

 

[Lady Florida.]

Although I enjoy a good reminiscing session I'm mostly present and future oriented. My childhood wasn't rosy and I haven't idealized it. If I do look to the past it's to a time when I was a young adult, but I've been happier in the past 30 years than I was then too.

It's not just the end of homeschooling or the end of other events that causes (not sure if that's the right word) some people to live in the past. I can't find the links but I had read that as people get older they tend to get more past oriented. You might think it's due to nostalgia but it's really due to mortality. When you're younger you have more years ahead of you than behind you. The older you get the more that changes, until you reach a point where you have more years behind you than ahead of you. Many of the years ahead of you might not be spent in good physical or mental health so you focus on the good years you had behind you. 

I haven't reached that point yet and I suspect it's also somewhat related to temperament so it's likely not everyone looks back more as they get older. 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

No, not at all. He was a small town boy/man for the beginning of his life.

The articles were about a prisoner of war who was being released at end of the Korean War and included my dad bc he was related by marriage to the POW.

Like I said...these were nice, not ones about him getting in trouble/arrested. Those articles weren't so cool, hahaha.

 

Oh I see!  

[KungFuPanda]

I TRY to live in the present, but I tend to get excited or anxious about what’s next and look towards that. 

[sassenach]

Present. I have to force myself to think about the future (necessary for financial planning and such) but I am truly in the moment. Dh is a past thinker, which sometimes keeps him stuck in nostalgia and unable to enjoy the moment. 

[SKL]

I noticed this when I was in my 20s.  Somehow it just hit me that I was always ruminating over the past while my best friend was always talking about the future.  Over the years I've come to think that this is somewhat of a wiring issue.  For one thing, she literally forgets most everything bad that ever happened, while I am haunted forever by every dumb misstep.  Then again, it might also be related to age.  Who knows?

Over my adult years, I came a long way toward living in the present.  I prefer that, but I also live in the future, especially with respect to my kids.  The % of choices I make for their future might be a little higher than the average mom's.  And I guess now that I'm over the hill, I think more about problems (and also opportunities) that I may have as I get older.

[Jenny in Florida]

13 hours ago, Quill said:

So, how about you? Do you feel you’re more future oriented or past oriented? Has it changed as your kids have grown? 

 

I have always, always been a future-oriented person. My husband and I were talking about this last night, actually, in the context of why I am having so much trouble sleeping. I was saying that, for most of my life, when I had trouble falling asleep, I would focus my brain on envisioning or planning for or fantasizing about the future. But now, in my mid-50s with my kids graduated and such, I am literally out of things to plan or strategize. This feeling of basically just killing time for the next few decades is one of the root causes of the depression I'm experiencing. Aimless is not a good situation for me.

And before everyone rushes in to start suggesting things I can plan or goals I could manufacture (Plan a vacation! Go back to school! Remodel or declutter the house!), please understand that, for me, a goal needs to feel "meaningful" in order to feel satisfying. And, at this point in my life -- 55 years old, kids graduated, one launched and one on his way to being so, no grandchildren on the horizon, back to work full-time at a "real job" that is not exciting but is in my field and pays a decent salary doing something I'm good at, having recently earned a new certification -- I can't come up with any new project that would be anything more than something to do to fill up hours.

I pretty much hate it, to be honest.

[Penguin]

I am oriented toward the present and the short-term future. My brain can only think out to about five years but I am typically only thinking about plans for the next 12 months or so.

I think my breast cancer diagnosis (2006) changed my thinking about time and making plans. Plus, whenever I look back and think about all the things (good and bad) that have happened over the years that were outside of my predictions, it seems like a waste of mental energy to look too far out.

The past is the past. I can reminisce and be nostalgic, but I am very careful not to dwell in woulda coulda shoulda.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Penguin

[Guest]

3 hours ago, edelweiss said:

I try very hard to stay in the present, otherwise I will spend too much time being nostalgic for the past.  I have loved being home with my kids.  I know that nothing in my life will ever be better than the years that I had my kids at home and we were our own little unit.  So, it is very hard knowing that those years are coming to a close.  I have been dreading it for years.  My oldest daughter is a freshman in college and my younger daughter is a junior in high school now, so I am trying to stay in the moment and soak up these last few moments of joy.  

I don't have anything I am particularly looking forward to in the future.  I don't have any goals or dreams or desires for the future once my kids are out of the house.  In some ways it will be a relief because I will have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish-- completing my girls' educations and seeing them to adulthood.  But I also will be very sad that it is over.  I have thought a lot about it and there is absolutely nothing that I want to do at that point, so I think I will continue to focus on the present and get through day-by-day.  

That must be a big part of the difference because I don’t think that (the bolded). I loved the time I had home with my kids but I don’t think (and actively hope against) it was the pinnacle point of joy in my life and nothing could ever measure better. 

I also feel joy for things my grown kids are doing and experiencing...do you not feel that? 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

That must be a big part of the difference because I don’t think that (the bolded). I loved the time I had home with my kids but I don’t think (and actively hope against) it was the pinnacle point of joy in my life and nothing could ever measure better. 

I also feel joy for things my grown kids are doing and experiencing...do you not feel that? 

I too feel like the time I spent raising my son was the best years of my life.  He brought me such joy.  And I was 35 when I had him.....nothing I did  before I had him came close to the joy of being his mom.  

I hear grandkids are pretty great.  

[Jenny in Florida]

25 minutes ago, Quill said:

That must be a big part of the difference because I don’t think that (the bolded). I loved the time I had home with my kids but I don’t think (and actively hope against) it was the pinnacle point of joy in my life and nothing could ever measure better. 

I also feel joy for things my grown kids are doing and experiencing...do you not feel that? 

 

Although this question was not directed to me, I feel very much the same way that edelweiss does. I consider raising and homeschooling my children to have been my true vocation. I'll be honest and confess that I didn't always love it. There were a lot of times I found it frustrating and difficult. However, I absolutely know it was the most worthwhile, absorbing and important thing I will do with my life. Being now a few years past the end of that time, I have only become more convinced that nothing I do for the rest of my life will be as fulfilling or meaningful for me.

** Edited to add: I'll also admit that no one was more surprised than I was to discover that homeschooling mom turned out to be such a great role for me. I fell into both SAHM-ing and homeschooling almost accidentally, and assumed for the first few years that both were temporary. **

And since I am a person who derives joy primarily through that kind of goal-oriented activity, my future looks pretty colorless.

I am happy for my kids when things go well for them. I'm proud of them when they accomplish things. However, what they do and experience now belongs to -- and is driven and directed by -- them, not me. So any joy I take in those things is purely passive and vicarious.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Jenny in Florida

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I have always, always been a future-oriented person. My husband and I were talking about this last night, actually, in the context of why I am having so much trouble sleeping. I was saying that, for most of my life, when I had trouble falling asleep, I would focus my brain on envisioning or planning for or fantasizing about the future. But now, in my mid-50s with my kids graduated and such, I am literally out of things to plan or strategize. This feeling of basically just killing time for the next few decades is one of the root causes of the depression I'm experiencing. Aimless is not a good situation for me.

And before everyone rushes in to start suggesting things I can plan or goals I could manufacture (Plan a vacation! Go back to school! Remodel or declutter the house!), please understand that, for me, a goal needs to feel "meaningful" in order to feel satisfying. And, at this point in my life -- 55 years old, kids graduated, one launched and one on his way to being so, no grandchildren on the horizon, back to work full-time at a "real job" that is not exciting but is in my field and pays a decent salary doing something I'm good at, having recently earned a new certification -- I can't come up with any new project that would be anything more than something to do to fill up hours.

I pretty much hate it, to be honest.

This resonates with me. It's driving me to enjoy my kids more while they are home (I am still in my 40's with one 10th grader and one 6th grader who might go to school in a couple of years).

But, my DH is a live in the present person to a point that is not helpful. We miss many opportunities because of it.

It's really hard to envision a future without my kids close and with my husband close. I am not a very independent person in a "doing" sense. I like doing things with and for people, not just by myself and for myself. My husband is loyal but not really bonded to others--he has chosen (and excels in) a job with weird hours, and we've not successfully cultivated a real family culture that fits all of us, and my husband has not really bonded closely to friends either. He's super friendly, but he doesn't help keep in touch with far flung family or friends at all, and new friends are just a thought in his mind when he's with them. My kids are at a fun stage, but in the future, they may live away or marry someone that has a strong/different family culture that leaves us out. Or at least leaves me stretched awkwardly between them and my husband.

So, I do live a bit in the past too, wondering how I got here and feeling like, "this isn't me." I definitely didn't know that I'd find myself here. I feel very satisfied with a lot of how my parenting has gone or is turning out--I truly enjoy my kids, and I feel like that has gone better than expected (they are both 2e in a way that affects daily life, and one has significant health issues to face in the future). But I feel like our family of four is really a family of three, and two of those three aren't going to always be around. We live far from my folks, and while I am close with them, I dread finding out that I might truly not ever live close to family ever again after my kids are grown (but don't want to borrow trouble).

I am the kind of person that has to reckon with the what if's of life before I can feel optimistic, and the what if's are piled high in this stage of life. 

I am trying to find ways to make positive choices going into the future, but unlike many people who have a fairly stable set of circumstances/choices, I feel like mine have never been, and when I've tried to make some stability, it's been unsuccessful. 

Right now, positive choices are more along the lines of keeping my future options open vs. real decisions, sigh. That's not the stuff that motivates me! 

[sassenach]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I noticed this when I was in my 20s.  Somehow it just hit me that I was always ruminating over the past while my best friend was always talking about the future.  Over the years I've come to think that this is somewhat of a wiring issue.  For one thing, she literally forgets most everything bad that ever happened, while I am haunted forever by every dumb misstep.  Then again, it might also be related to age.  Who knows?

Over my adult years, I came a long way toward living in the present.  I prefer that, but I also live in the future, especially with respect to my kids.  The % of choices I make for their future might be a little higher than the average mom's.  And I guess now that I'm over the hill, I think more about problems (and also opportunities) that I may have as I get older.

This is dh and I, but reversed. He ruminates, I forget. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. I can move on too quickly from ways I've hurt others, and literally forget my mistakes. Dh has a hard time letting go of wrongs against him. You can imagine how our wiring has not benefited our marriage! 

[Jenny in Florida]

53 minutes ago, kbutton said:

This resonates with me. It's driving me to enjoy my kids more while they are home (I am still in my 40's with one 10th grader and one 6th grader who might go to school in a couple of years).

 

For me, the wall of depression I hit when my kids were done with me surprised me as much as did how much I loved being home. I was one of those people who truly believed I would miss my kids but be really happy to "get my life back" once they were launched. I had no clue that, somewhere along the way, parenting and educating my kids had become my life.

In retrospect, I think I might have weathered this transition better if I had been able to have a defined plan or space in which to reset. I had always hoped to go back for a master's degree once the kids graduated from homeschool or possibly even to start that part-time in the last couple of years they were home. I had wanted to go back to school, just because, but the thinking was also that getting the degree would allow me to "relaunch." As it turned out, that wasn't an option. So, instead I have flailed around trying to figure out what I want to do.

In the interim, I have earned one certification and one graduate certificate, but neither has allowed me the clean break/fresh start that I hoped for, professionally. And neither turned out to be especially challenging or fulfilling, intellectually, either. 

So, I just keep trudging along.

I'm glad you're making a conscious effort to focus on and enjoy your time while you're still in it.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Jenny in Florida

[kbutton]

4 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

For me, the wall of depression I hit when my kids were done with me surprised me as much as did how much I loved being home. I was one of those people who truly believed I would miss my kids but be really happy to "get my life back" once they were launched. I had no clue that, somewhere along the way, parenting and educating my kids had become my life.

In retrospect, I think I might have weathered this transition better if I had been able to have a defined plan or space in which to reset. I had always hoped to go back for a master's degree once the kids graduated from homeschool or possibly even to start that part-time in the last couple of years they were home. I had wanted to go back to school, just because, but the thinking was also that getting the degree would allow me to "relaunch." As it turned out, that wasn't an option. So, instead I have flailed around trying to figure out what I want to do.

In the interim, I have earned one certification and one graduate certificate, but neither has allowed me to clean break/fresh start that I hoped for, professionally. And neither turned out to be especially challenging or fulfilling, intellectually, either. 

So, I just keep trudging along.

I'm glad you're making a conscious effort to focus on and enjoy your time while you're still in it.

Hang in there! I am sorry that your relaunch has not taken off, and I hope you are able to find something fulfilling. Hugs. 

[Jenny in Florida]

14 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Hang in there! I am sorry that your relaunch has not taken off, and I hope you are able to find something fulfilling. Hugs. 

 

Oh, I'm "launched," in the sense that I finally clawed my way into a job that is more or less comparable to what I did before I quit to focus on mommying. It took me about four years, but I've settled into a job that I plan to keep until retirement. It's not exciting, but it's probably the best I'm going to do at this point. At my age, it just doesn't make sense to keep bouncing around. 

If I had some grand plan, some burning, passionate desire to fulfill some kind of lifelong professional dream, I could see maybe still going back to school or making a big leap of faith. Unfortunately, though, the only thing I really want to do with my life is go back to being a homeschooling mom. And that's not an option. So I will stick with the decent job with the acceptable paycheck and benefits.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Jenny in Florida

[Shoeless]

I have often lived in the past, and felt so sad and nostalgic because of it.  I"m doing better with that, however.  I look back on past years with the kiddo or times from my youth, and instead of feeling longing, I feel appreciation for those good times.  I can't go back and experience them again, and that's ok.  Trying to recreate some moment from the past only cheapens it somehow.  

For the first time ever, I'm completely ok with my past, present, and future. 

[Jaz]

Future. My dh and I just recently joined an empty nesters class at a new church in preparation for our dd graduating in May. It hasn't felt right. My dh realized during table discussions most people focus on the past and their regrets. They are also much older as a group than we are.

We've learned we need a group of people that want to be engaged with young people! 

[Murphy101]

8 hours ago, Quill said:

That must be a big part of the difference because I don’t think that (the bolded). I loved the time I had home with my kids but I don’t think (and actively hope against) it was the pinnacle point of joy in my life and nothing could ever measure better. 

I also feel joy for things my grown kids are doing and experiencing...do you not feel that? 

 

This is where I am.  But I have also never thought of any moments as the pinnacle.  Happiness is.. happiness.  There's no competition in it.  I've had a few highs.  But mostly contentment is happiness and there's no competition within it for me.  No X is happy, but not as happy as Y. Just content/happy is good enough for me.  

BUT.  I was where Scarlett is for a time before eventually I was able to crawl up to where Tap is and it took me years to claw my way to where I am.  It's hard to even imagine you won't feel this forever. It's hard to not just give up.  I'll be praying you both find people who can help you through this grief.  Because that's what it is.  Your reasons for the grief may be different than mine, but it's all grief and trauma.  (((Hugs)))

22 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am currently mind shatteringly stuck in the past.  Reliving every move I made to try and make sense of or justify the present. It is a stage of trauma though.  I am sure of this.  If things had gone better...I think I would be more future looking.  
 

So there is that.  

 

19 hours ago, Tap said:

I am stuck in quick sand. I live a life, brutally stuck in the present, unable to move. The smallest attempts to get out of the mire, just tightens the grasp.  I can't plan for the future because too many times, dreams and plans have been shattered and it drags me down further and further each time. I no longer trust the future is a better place, because every big movement in my life for the past 15 years has been in a negative direction. The past is what got me here, so dwelling on that doesn't help. I can't regret every step of my life. I can't hope for anything better in the future, when every step forward seems to lead to two back. So, I live one day at a time, and I smile no matter what I am feeling on the inside. I am not depressed. It is just the reality of where I am.

 

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Plum said:

There’s a quote that’s floating around the internet that I like but the attribute is supposedly wrong. 

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.

If you are anxious, you are living in the future.

If you are at peace, you are living in the moment

Hmm. I can’t say I agree with that. For me, I am always thinking about how what happens today could affect the future. Choices made now and what that becomes in the future. Granted, sometimes life comes along and bitch-slaps ya and that can lead to futures you didn’t pick and would wish were different. But still. Whether I eat the apple or the donut today affects my future. Doesn’t mean I’m anxious about it just because I’m aware of it. Whether I go do my yoga or shrug and say, “Nah. Don’t feel like it.” affects my future. 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

This is where I am.  But I have also never thought of any moments as the pinnacle.  Happiness is.. happiness.  There's no competition in it.  I've had a few highs.  But mostly contentment is happiness and there's no competition within it for me.  No X is happy, but not as happy as Y. Just content/happy is good enough for me.  

BUT.  I was where Scarlett is for a time before eventually I was able to crawl up to where Tap is and it took me years to claw my way to where I am.  It's hard to even imagine you won't feel this forever. It's hard to not just give up.  I'll be praying you both find people who can help you through this grief.  Because that's what it is.  Your reasons for the grief may be different than mine, but it's all grief and trauma.  (((Hugs)))

 

 

Thank you!  This is very helpful. 

[Rosie_0801]

You know, @Jenny in Florida. I've often thought you should try your hand at local politics. What good might you do in there advocating for local art and education?

[Jenny in Florida]

53 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You know, @Jenny in Florida. I've often thought you should try your hand at local politics. What good might you do in there advocating for local art and education?

 

None at all, I'm afraid. I am not cut out for politics.

[mumto2]

I try very hard to live for the moment and keep the planning to the near future....as in next summer.  Over the past years I have spent too much time wanting something (in my case more children) that I didn’t fully appreciate what I had.  I loved homeschooling but could have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t been trying so hard to have more.  I grew up thinking I could make anything happen if I just put everything I have physically and emotionally into the goal......age has taught me it doesn’t always work.  There really isn’t much I get to control for the future in terms of the big life changing things so I really try to be happy in my now.

 Do I look forward to grandchildren....hugely,  but I am coming to realize that they are in a future that hopefully will happen.  I think the more important thing to wish for is that my children live happy contented lives without mama pressure.  For now I just try to really enjoy the kids who I am fortunate enough to have in my life........by that I mean other people’s small children nut just my own young adults!  One little boy thinks I am the world’s best cook because I make him brownies.🥰 

My Dh on the other hand plans extensively for the future which is probably why I just want to worry about the now.  😉. He is also big on reminiscing so I do a great deal of it rather I want to or not.😂