Biblical answers to marriage problems

[Janeway]

A much younger wife, mother of two very small children, came to me today with some marital problems she is having. I tried to bring up specifically biblical answers. I have been through some of her struggles, marriage is rarely without challenges. But, I am unsure how to direct her in ways specific to the bible and back up with things she can read.

 

Specifically, when they married, he decided he wanted to live with his parents. He claimed it would be temporary. Within a year, she had her first baby and recently had a second. They have been married maybe 4 yrs. Not only are they still living with his parents but his mother is not kind to her. He refuses to move toward any sort of job training or otherwise to be able to care for his family. She must be pretty upset to reach out to me. She was a teen who was home schooling when I met her.  I have given her links from Focus on the Family that I think might be helpful. But I would like to say more or give more encouragement. Personally, I think she needs to move back in with her parents. I do not feel she is recognizing abuse just because she is not being beaten. She straight out told me he did not hit her so she feels like she would be wrong to stand up to him. I never told her I felt she was being abused, but I do feel she is being emotionally and psychologically abused. I think she needs to speak to her pastor or elder in her church and get help to speak to him as well as move in with her parents, who I know her parents and they would be fine with her moving in. She can welcome him to come there, but she cannot be a good helpmeet if she enables his toxic behavior and unhealthy inability to move forward with life.

[May]

I would continue to encourage her to speak to her pastor about her martial issues. Other then that, I would listen sympathetically but offer no advice.

[HS Mom in NC]

You mean other than this?

Matthew 19:4-6  (ESV)

⁴ He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, ⁵ and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

It's worth pointing out the number of red flags ignored, because it's important to understand the depth of problems in this situation:

1. He doesn't have the job training/skill set to support himself.
2. He wasn't supporting himself independently before he married.
3. He wasn't supporting himself and his wife before they added a child to the mix.
4. He wasn't supporting himself, his wife, and his child before they added a second child to the mix.


So this young woman has a serious calibration problem.  Why? What did her parents say about her marrying a guy still living with his mama? What did her parents say about their choice to have a child immediately in a financially unstable situation? What did they say about their choice to have a second child in a financially unstable situation?  I'm wondering if her parents are just as problematic as his mama seems to be. 

What is her church situation like?  Will they give him a firm talking to about his responsibilities as a husband and father and guide him through a reasonable game plan to make this better with skills training and over time work? Will they teach him that God gave him his wife as a companion and source of counsel to be listened to?  Will they facilitate respectful listening and communication between the two of them? Or will it all be that his wife should submit to any and all of his foolishness because he has a penis? If they give him good counsel and hold him accountable will he slither off like a snake and refuse to go to that church anymore?

If she takes the kids to her parents' house will it spark a custody battle with his mama's help?  Is she prepared to handle that if they do?  My impression is she doesn't seem to be able to extrapolate out potential future problems based on the immediate problems right in front of her.  Are her parents able to do that?

No. 1 priority is to get on at least 2 methods of contraception and use them together meticulously. every. single. time. Unstable situations seem to increase fertility.  I don't know why.

[Jaz]

If she is asking you for help, you probably need to be the person to tell her she is being abused. Perhaps God has you in her life to help her during this time. Please don't leave things alone!

Pastors are often too far removed from the situation and not trained to handle it. I'm a strong Christian, but I've seen too many women hurt by pastors to recommend that route. 

[PrincessMommy]

18 minutes ago, Jaz said:

If she is asking you for help, you probably need to be the person to tell her she is being abused. Perhaps God has you in her life to help her during this time. Please don't leave things alone!

Pastors are often too far removed from the situation and not trained to handle it. I'm a strong Christian, but I've seen too many women hurt by pastors to recommend that route. 

This x1000

I would not automatically recommend a woman to seek advice from her pastor unless I was familiar with his/her ability to gently counsel women in abusive/neglective situations like this one.  

[ktgrok]

Well, Jesus said to love your wife as Jesus loved the church, to sacrifice for her up to and including your life. Sounds like he's not doing that. 

Also, even if she is in a religion that doesn't allow divorce, you don't have to divorce to move out. 

[athena1277]

One thing is not clear.  What is their financial situation?  Is he working at all or are they being supported by his mom?  Does she have a job?  Those answers may make a difference is the best route to take.

[gardenmom5]

she needs to be directed to a *licensed* marriage and family therapist.  she has a husband who seems to like being a little boy.

the scriptures about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your spouse come to mind . . . . but that would require him to grow up and support his family.

Edited December 31, 2019 by gardenmom5
clarification

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

 

No. 1 priority is to get on at least 2 methods of contraception and use them together meticulously. every. single. time. Unstable situations seem to increase fertility.  I don't know why.

probably because there is laxness in using any method of contraception, and also seems to be some thinking that s3x makes everything all better . . . . . 

[lauraw4321]

This verse comes to mind...

1 Timothy 5:8, NIV: "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

[MercyA]

Okay. Based on the information you gave, I'm going to disagree that she is being abused. What is abusive about living with one's in-laws? Certainly it is not ideal. For sure her husband is not attending to his Biblical responsibilities, both to keep his word to her and to provide for his family. He is in the wrong. That does not make him abusive.

I would not encourage her to move back with her parents. There is nothing Biblical about that. It would be breaking up what is currently an intact family.

Will she not speak to her husband at all about the situation? I don't understand that. I actually do believe in Biblical submission, with husbands as the head of the home, but that certainly doesn't mean she can't bring her concerns to him. Talking to him privately *should* be the first step, Biblically.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

He is sinning against her by not keeping his word and by not providing for his family.

If he won't listen to her, perhaps her father or father-in-law would speak to him along with her. If he won't listen to them, she should talk to the elders at her church. Her husband should be rebuked by them and strongly. Even so, I don't believe her situation is grounds for divorce or separation.

Edited December 31, 2019 by MercyA

[mom2scouts]

MercyA, maybe *he* isn't being abusive, but he is forcing her to live with a MIL who is unkind to her and he refuses to do anything to resolve the situation. Maybe we could say he's neglecting his family and allowing his wife to be abused. The OP says "he refuses", so it sounds like she already has spoken to her husband about her concerns. Read the last line of that Bible verse you posted. Maybe she's to the point where she needs to do something more drastic.

[gardenmom5]

14 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Okay. Based on the information you gave, I'm going to disagree that she is being abused. What is abusive about living with one's in-laws?  

that depends upon the inlaws.  some are nice and treat their adult children - like adults and with respect,. (they also tend to "encourage" their adult children to act like an adult)    some, . . .  treat their adult child like they're still a child and tell them everything to do, and provide for them so they'll be "needed".  those are the type that when their child brings home a spouse and children, see it as more children to tell what to do.  - that is unhealthy/dysfunctional/and even abusive.

the situation has become intolerable for her.  her dh is not getting any training for him to get a job that will support his family. - that's a big problem.

even in good in-law situations, she's not in her own home.  she's had a lot of control for her life taken away from her by the choice to live with his parents.