help me think through social media (for myself)

[ktgrok]

I know I'm wasting WAY too much time on social media. Last year I took the time to "unfollow" everyone on facebook, and now only see the groups I'm in. But...that's becoming a time suck too. And although it sounds selfish, I am realizing I spend a bunch of time giving advice, but don't really gET anything from there at all. I need to unfollow those too. Except maybe the new private minimal mom one that I am hopefully getting into - it's small and targeted. 

And then there is here. I love it here. I get a lot from this place. And as someone who seldom interacts in real life with other adults, I feel like some time here is good for me, mentally. 

But how much is too much? How much is a crutch and to the detriment of IRL interaction? 

Should i be working to limit my online interaction and find a way to strengthen my IRL social network?

If so (and probably, yes, I should), how? 

I'm invited to a monthly women's dinner event run by a friend, but I don't know or really care to interact with a lot of the people that go, and it is late at night during the week, and I hate driving places I don't know well at night. Heck, I hate going out at night. I'm very very diurnal, lol. Church is good, but not really seeing a lot of good friend potential there at this time. 

I'm thinking maybe this is a "if you build it they will come" thing. So maybe set up a "ladies who lunch" even once a week, a standing thing, and invite my various friends and see who shows up? Or a "coffee klatch" of some kind, or both?

I have a neighbor that I could interact with more - invite her for coffee inside and let the kids play outside. I don't, because house, etc but I should. Plus we are very different, and she has a lot of marriage drama, etc that I am trying to keep out of, and her kids and mine sometimes don't get along, although usually do. And better to have some actual interaction than wait for the prefect friend. Right? 

Oh, and I could have her come over for a coffee break while her kids are at school! She's home during the week at least some of the time. 

Honestly, I miss my best friend so much lately, but she's 3 hours away. And nothing else is the same. But I do know some fabulous people, and I need to get off my introverted social anxiety ridden butt and do this. 

Also, my bathroom is STILL torn apart, 2 years later. I've let that be a reason not to have people over, but I'm done. I can't fix it, DH has to do it, but the master  bathroom is fine and usable, although dated. And the guest bath is usable, just torn down to studs, lol. It still has a toilet/sink/mirror. Kids can use it if they are not scared of the construction look, lol. 

right?

[Jentrovert]

I, and/or my husband, have some of the same hangups. It's hard. I haven't solved everything by a longshot, and I think this will be something that will always be difficult for me, but two things so far I am certain of: 

Most people (and certainly, true friends) do not care if the house isn't perfect, including construction. If it's a long-term thing, as long as it's safe, I need to get over it. 🙂

While my grown-up introverted social needs may be met sufficiently through social media, my kids' needs aren't. So I need to pursue irl friendships, at least for them. That may mean that I develop friendships with people who wouldn't necessarily be my first choice. But it's worth it for my kids to have the relationship experience. 

That's all I've got so far. 😂

[ktgrok]

22 minutes ago, Jentrovert said:

I, and/or my husband, have some of the same hangups. It's hard. I haven't solved everything by a longshot, and I think this will be something that will always be difficult for me, but two things so far I am certain of: 

Most people (and certainly, true friends) do not care if the house isn't perfect, including construction. If it's a long-term thing, as long as it's safe, I need to get over it. 🙂

While my grown-up introverted social needs may be met sufficiently through social media, my kids' needs aren't. So I need to pursue irl friendships, at least for them. That may mean that I develop friendships with people who wouldn't necessarily be my first choice. But it's worth it for my kids to have the relationship experience. 

That's all I've got so far. 😂

Thank you, that's good advice!

[StaceyinLA]

I have been limiting social media more and more. It just stresses me out honestly. I follow a few people on Instagram that I enjoy, but I have really pared down on FB. I don’t get on here nearly as often as I once did, although I always enjoy it when I do - just lots of good information all the time!

I do have a group of close friends and once/month we have lunch and coffee. Even times I’m not really feeling it, I go. I don’t want to wind up an old lady with no friends and no life outside my adult children and grandchildren. I love them dearly, but there will come a time when they don’t fill my every waking moment (and of course that’s as it should be), so I want to have a life of my own.

[Guest]

I feel ya. I love this community so much and I am present on FB daily, but since I have been reading Atomic Habits (which I just finished), I am restructuring a couple of things so I do not lose hours here “mindlessly”, nor on FB. I want to invest in my IRL interests, like daily writing. 

Fortunately, I am a part of a few organized groups IRL, most notably my homeschool co-op, my Bunco group going on 21 years, and my book club, which sprung from the homeschool co-op but includes non-hsers. As my homeschool career is closing out, I am also seeking some other connections, and I want to be in a writer’s group again. I also have some stand-alone friends from here or there whom I make it a point to see a couple times per year. 
A big thing for me is this: as much as I love my cyber-communities, at the end of the day, few of my cyber-friends have any ability to be helpful in real life when the proverbial shit hits the fan. You need real, live communities when - whatever - your kid gets very sick, your husband abandons you, your financial picture changes drastically, you get that bad diagnosis. 
Reflecting on my own life, the two biggest crises I have endured - the death of my baby in 2003, and the diagnosis of breast cancer in 2018 - affected me very differently and a big (BIG!) part of it was the support I had in those two instances. When my baby died, I did not have good support; I had friends who turned on me and people who shunned me like a leper. (There’s much more to it than that, and losing a baby was worse for me than breast cancer, but the point still holds.) For my fight against breast cancer, I was verY well-supported. I had few interactions with clueless, dopey or fair-weather friends. (Maybe it’s because my garden of friends was already severely weeded when my baby died!) 

Anyway...sorry for the tangent, but the point I am making is, I think it’s very important to nurture real-life connections and communities. We’re all going to have a bad event sooner or later. When that shoe drops, it’s a very good thing to have strong community. 

[mom2scouts]

I could have written much of your post. I know I need to spend far less time on social media and more time making IRL friends, but it's so hard. I don't want to go out on dark, cold evenings. I miss old friends who moved several states away. I haven't met anyone I connect with lately. Even when I do meet people, everyone seems too busy for a real life social event.  I did have a friend who tried a year of monthly get-togethers. She tried to vary between a Friday and Saturday night to make it an option for more women and find places that would allow people to buy a variety of food or bring their own (grocery store with a variety of prepared foods and a place to eat or a food court in a mall). It was really fun when it happened, but more than a few months got cancelled because nobody could come. 🙁 She eventually gave up. If you figure it out, I would like to know too.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

She eventually gave up. If you figure it out, I would like to know too.

I want to talk about this a little bit. I have been in groups that fizzled out. I have joined groups where I didn’t “click” and which didn’t really work for me and I quit. I was in a cooking club once, which I thought was such a good idea, but it died out and a lot of the reason was poor commitment. I have not yet been in a writers group that is really the right sort of thing. 
 

I think you have to accept that not every group is gonna fly. It might be a bad match or the participants aren’t sufficiently committed and it fails. That’s a reason to keep trying. (And yes, I say that as an introvert who really has to reach down deep to find the version of me who can put myself out there!) 

 

[Jentrovert]

This isn't in response to any particular comment, just general musings . . . 

Ya'll have hit on something that I find difficult to pin my feelings down on. Like Quill, one of my most difficult times has been the loss of a baby. I did, however, have a number of people who were willing to be supportive.

The thing is, when I am going through something like that, I truly do not want to share it with anyone. It makes it WORSE for me to have to do so. It feels like an awful invasion of privacy. In addition, I am very empathetic and I absolutely don't need to be absorbing anyone else's grief and whatever of their own personal sorrows (that are inevitably shared in some misguided attempt to assure me they know exactly how I feel). It's enough for me to work through my own stuff without having to deal with their emotions as well. I appreciated meals for my husband, but in general preferred to process things alone. 

I do know that there were/are some people who were . . . offended? upset? that they weren't given more of a front seat in the whole thing. We were very private with everything about it.

So I really struggle with the idea that I need to cultivate friendships for the inevitable hardships. I know logically that should be true, but I don't seem to actually want or need it in practice. It's kind of easier without having to deal with people. Someone mentioned not wanting to be an old lady with no one else but kids/grandkids . . . that sounds positively lovely to me. I'd move to the mountains and visit town twice yearly in a heartbeat if it were feasible. 😂

This all may just be due to extreme introversion? I don't know. I do know that it has been difficult to cultivate a desire for close friends, though I do make the effort for the kids. I would guess that my friends irl feel like we are a lot closer friends than I feel like we are, though. I can't think of anyone who truly knows me or the depths of my current hardships. Honestly, I don't know anyone irl who would even come close to understanding a lot of my stuff anyway. 

Anyway, just musings.

[prairiewindmomma]

My problem isn't getting on to social media, it's getting off. It's easy to hit a time warp. Have you tried apps that set digital timers? Or a real life kitchen timer?

Can you set one IRL social goal? Like, can you do one fun thing for yourself only invite someone else along? Like, go catch a movie with a friend? Or meet someone for lunch? My IRL thing this year has been to go to lunch with a different friend monthly....or meet up at a park for a playdate.

[Jentrovert]

More to the point, re social media, I found that quitting facebook helped me a lot emotionally. I was absorbing way too much drama, even though I wasn't personally involved. I find that I have more mental/emotional energy to devote to people when a chunk of it isn't taken up with online drama.

[SKL]

Just today, I got a notification from our Nextdoor network (local neighborhood people connected by an electronic group thing).  It suggested a neighborhood coffee get-together.  (I deleted it because if I ever have that much time free, I'm gonna spend it with my pillow.)  That (or similar) might be something to try?

Personally I would much rather meet someone at a neutral place than in my home.  For one thing I don't have a perfect home.  Besides that, it's nice to get out, and to some extent, that's kind of the point.  The change of scene.  You could try the small local shops that have tables - a donut shop, ice cream shop, sandwich shop, coffee shop.  Or hike a trail in a nearby park. 

I can't wait until I'm old enough to go to those free coffee clatches for seniors.  😛

 

[Pawz4me]

28 minutes ago, Jentrovert said:

 

The thing is, when I am going through something like that, I truly do not want to share it with anyone. It makes it WORSE for me to have to do so. It feels like an awful invasion of privacy. In addition, I am very empathetic and I absolutely don't need to be absorbing anyone else's grief and whatever of their own personal sorrows (that are inevitably shared in some misguided attempt to assure me they know exactly how I feel). It's enough for me to work through my own stuff without having to deal with their emotions as well. I appreciated meals for my husband, but in general preferred to process things alone. 

I do know that there were/are some people who were . . . offended? upset? that they weren't given more of a front seat in the whole thing. We were very private with everything about it.

So I really struggle with the idea that I need to cultivate friendships for the inevitable hardships. I know logically that should be true, but I don't seem to actually want or need it in practice. It's kind of easier without having to deal with people. Someone mentioned not wanting to be an old lady with no one else but kids/grandkids . . . that sounds positively lovely to me. I'd move to the mountains and visit town twice yearly in a heartbeat if it were feasible. 😂

This all may just be due to extreme introversion? I don't know. I do know that it has been difficult to cultivate a desire for close friends, though I do make the effort for the kids. I would guess that my friends irl feel like we are a lot closer friends than I feel like we are, though. I can't think of anyone who truly knows me or the depths of my current hardships. Honestly, I don't know anyone irl who would even come close to understanding a lot of my stuff anyway. 

Anyway, just musings.

I'm exactly the same. It reminds me of when people say funerals are necessary for grieving and closure. Umm . . .no. A thousand million times, no. They're the exact opposite of what *I* need for grief and closure. Whenever bad carp strikes I want most everybody to just go away and leave me alone. I suspect that someday that may come back to bite me, but . .  it's just how I'm made.

[Jentrovert]

20 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

I definitely found it easier and more helpful to ask for support when my dd was in hospital here, than I did IRL.

I think it's got something to do with the format for me; typing is easier than speaking for me, in many ways. 

But like anything, there's  a flip side too - and I'm starting to see how I need to share a little of my actual circimstances with people who know me IRL also.

Y'all know WAY more about me than some of my friends!

But I do also feel as you do - that during hard times, I must hunker down, and that sometimes, dealing with actual people is just too hard. I mean, I've been doing that for the last 35 years, really. 

I think if you have good spousal or family support, the need for friendship support is maybe less urgent ? Idk. But I do understand the instinct towards privacy - sometimes quite extremely so - in regards to hard times + friends.

Sorry. A bit rambly. Just musing on your musings I guess.

 

 

This is a big part of it. I don't enjoy dealing with actual people in the best of times. I sure don't need it in the worst of times. 

[Jentrovert]

13 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I'm exactly the same. It reminds me of when people say funerals are necessary for grieving and closure. Umm . . .no. A thousand million times, no. They're the exact opposite of what *I* need for grief and closure. Whenever bad carp strikes I want most everybody to just go away and leave me alone. I suspect that someday that may come back to bite me, but . .  it's just how I'm made.

Oh goodness, me too on the funerals. I've had to organize the memorial services and meals for the last six family members who have passed away. While our family does things much more simply than most, thankfully, it's still an ordeal I have to get through rather than any kind of closure or necessary thing. I've told my husband I understand if he needs to have a service, but if I die he has my blessing to simply take the kids on a picnic and watch my ashes float down the river to mark my passing.

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Jentrovert said:

This isn't in response to any particular comment, just general musings . . . 

Ya'll have hit on something that I find difficult to pin my feelings down on. Like Quill, one of my most difficult times has been the loss of a baby. I did, however, have a number of people who were willing to be supportive.

The thing is, when I am going through something like that, I truly do not want to share it with anyone. It makes it WORSE for me to have to do so. It feels like an awful invasion of privacy. In addition, I am very empathetic and I absolutely don't need to be absorbing anyone else's grief and whatever of their own personal sorrows (that are inevitably shared in some misguided attempt to assure me they know exactly how I feel). It's enough for me to work through my own stuff without having to deal with their emotions as well. I appreciated meals for my husband, but in general preferred to process things alone. 

I do know that there were/are some people who were . . . offended? upset? that they weren't given more of a front seat in the whole thing. We were very private with everything about it.

So I really struggle with the idea that I need to cultivate friendships for the inevitable hardships. I know logically that should be true, but I don't seem to actually want or need it in practice. It's kind of easier without having to deal with people. Someone mentioned not wanting to be an old lady with no one else but kids/grandkids . . . that sounds positively lovely to me. I'd move to the mountains and visit town twice yearly in a heartbeat if it were feasible. 😂

This all may just be due to extreme introversion? I don't know. I do know that it has been difficult to cultivate a desire for close friends, though I do make the effort for the kids. I would guess that my friends irl feel like we are a lot closer friends than I feel like we are, though. I can't think of anyone who truly knows me or the depths of my current hardships. Honestly, I don't know anyone irl who would even come close to understanding a lot of my stuff anyway. 

Anyway, just musings.

Some of it is that it helps to have introvert friends who will - knowing you feel that way - just drop off food on your front porch and go. We actually have a friend in my friend group (that I never see in real life anymore) who lost her best friend to a stroke. While the friend was in the hospital people put a cooler outside her front door so meals could be dropped off at any time, without inconveniencing our friend. 

And when I was having a hard time two friends actually "spontaneously" suggested we meet up at the dog park, since one had a newish dog, etc. Well, they suggested that location because they knew it was the one place I wouldn't turn down going to, lol. They truly are amazing. (this was during the worst of of last winter's bout with SAD)

They are good people, but I met them through ICAN meetings and then I stopped going to meetings and now we never see each other it seems. 

And then my very best friend who is like a sister to me, but in a lot of ways closer to me than my own sister, is so far away. Ugh. 

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

My problem isn't getting on to social media, it's getting off. It's easy to hit a time warp. Have you tried apps that set digital timers? Or a real life kitchen timer?

Can you set one IRL social goal? Like, can you do one fun thing for yourself only invite someone else along? Like, go catch a movie with a friend? Or meet someone for lunch? My IRL thing this year has been to go to lunch with a different friend monthly....or meet up at a park for a playdate.

That's what I need to do. Set something up on a schedule, so I know it will happen. And if I set it up I can set the parameters so it is daytime, etc. 

1 hour ago, Jentrovert said:

More to the point, re social media, I found that quitting facebook helped me a lot emotionally. I was absorbing way too much drama, even though I wasn't personally involved. I find that I have more mental/emotional energy to devote to people when a chunk of it isn't taken up with online drama.

That's why I unfollowed everyone. I was seeing the same political article from 10 different people in 2 minutes. Seeing it once was ugh. Seeing it over and over and over was killing me emotionally. Now I only go on for homeschool groups (which I'm going to drop) and a lawn care group, lol. To m y credit, I did get my butt out and meet up in real life with the lawn care people when they had an event! 

And I will likely use it to set up the outings with friends. Or maybe try using Slack for that, I've never used it but my husband says it is good for that kind of stuff. 

[ktgrok]

Just realized that I have also stopped going to the dog park - when my dog was a puppy we went every single day, often twice a day. I'd chat with other people there, and made some friends. I mean, i don't know their last names, but we chatted on a daily basis. I liked that. Then we got another dog so I didn't have to take the hound there to play every day, and now I go a few times a month, maybe. I did go this past week and it was so nice! I even got a hug!

It's hard to justify the time away from homeschooling - all the regulars meet up in the morning around 9am. But maybe a few times a week we could go. 

[Jentrovert]

11 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Just realized that I have also stopped going to the dog park - when my dog was a puppy we went every single day, often twice a day. I'd chat with other people there, and made some friends. I mean, i don't know their last names, but we chatted on a daily basis. I liked that. Then we got another dog so I didn't have to take the hound there to play every day, and now I go a few times a month, maybe. I did go this past week and it was so nice! I even got a hug!

It's hard to justify the time away from homeschooling - all the regulars meet up in the morning around 9am. But maybe a few times a week we could go. 

 

Thinking about taking time away and doing something a few times a week, this may or may not apply, but I find that it makes a huge difference on stuff like that if I make it a point to actually get myself and kids ready in the morning before the day "starts". Like, where we can slip on shoes and be out the door. I'm much more likely to get out to the library or something if we're just ready, as opposed to having to GET ready too. Saves time too, although it should be the same time either way. But somehow it never is. 

[Guest]

Re: funerals. For myself personally, it is tremendously helpful for me to go to a funeral (or memorial - I don’t have to see the body) because it helps me come to terms with the actual fact that the person is no longer living. When people have died and I was unable to to go to a mourning setting, or if there wasn’t one, it has a weird psychological effect and I almost can’t “believe” they have died. I am dreading this right now because my cousin just died Sunday and my mother told me today they are not having any services. It’s just going to be weird for me because I won’t really “believe” he’s dead. 

 

[Garga]

@Ktgrok  You posted a bit about starting up monthly groups, but you also state you are introverted.

A couple of years ago, I started inviting friends to go to lunch (or dessert if you can’t get out in the day) we me, one-on-one. One friend at a time.  A different friend each month.  

I do get together with 4 other women about once every 3 or 4 months and that’s nice.  But if we did it more than that, I’d probably run out of energy.  

But I can handle 2 or so hours alone with a single friend over a meal.  Meeting with just one friend at a time is the perfect way for an introvert to make connections and get out of the house, but it isn’t overwhelming.  I like to go to places like Subway or a fast food place because you don’t have to worry about freeing up a table for the next group.  There is no wait staff, so you can just sit there nursing a soda for as long as you like.

It doesn’t help with your social media problem (I have the same problem and need to solve it, too), but it does help with real face-to-face time with people in a way that introverts prefer.

 

Edited January 1, 2020 by Garga