another 'help me sort my feelings" post

[ktgrok]

So, I'm dealing with SAD and I know my feelings/thought process are off right now. And I'm tired. But I'm trying to figure out what is life issues and what is biochemical issues from the SAD. Basically, am I being petty and overreacting or is there something here and if so, how do I phrase it and explain it or address it? Keep in mind my husband is an AMAZING man, who tries hard to provide and be there for us, never misses anything important with the kids no matter what, etc. He would NEVER purposely be thoughtless, etc. And yet, I'm feeling like things are off balance...

Issues that have triggered me to get upset over the weekend:

Friday night - kids are sick, i'm not feeling great, neither is he. He goes to bed while I'm still doing something, i forget what. DD9 is really struggling to sleep due to congestion, etc and comes out and is trying to sleep on the comfy chair. DH leaves to go to bed and I offer to pull out the sofa bed (her favorite place to sleep when sick - it's a known thing in the house to the point that if I pull it out for another eason DH assume someone is sick). She nods half asleep so I start doing that, but there are train tracks all over the floor from the kids playing before bed (with DH). So first I have to clean all that up. But then the dogs want to go out and are scratching at the door and I'm afraid they are going to wake up the (also sick) 2 yr old as the back door is in the room she sleeps in. So then I stop cleaning to let them out, then come back to clean, meanwhile DD9 is half asleep and whining and snotting. Then the dogs are barking to come in, and again I'm worried they will wake up the baby but I want to get this bed pulled out and the blocks cleaned up. I'm half yelling/half whispering for the dogs to shut up while cleaning up all the stupid tracks and pulling out the bed. I feel overwhelmed doing all this while now the 2 year old is starting to wake up. I assume DH is either asleep or in the bathroom, but when I go to let the dogs in I see he is laying in bed on his phone, clearly awake. Yes, I should have asked for help, but for crying out loud, why didn't he OFFER?!?! Why do I have to let the dogs in and out and clean up the train tracks and get the bed folded out all on my own while he lays there?

Saturday morning - I get up an hour or two before him, get dishes put away, make breakfast for everyone, etc. Get laundry going. Go to get my nails done which is my monthly 1-2 hours to myself with no kids. It is the ONLY time I get without kids. EVER. And he knows I'm having bad SAD. While I'm there, and granted, I was longer than usual due to getting a pedicure too and my eyebrows waxed, I get a message asking "what am I feeding them for lunch?". Now, this shouldn't be a big deal. But damnit, I am responsible for figuring out what they are going to eat for every single meal and snack they eat all month long. Can't I have ONE meal I don't have to be responsible for? I'm not even THERE!  I don't message him at work to ask him what I should feed kids! But I just message back that there are nuggets in the freezer, or I can stop and pick up food on my way. One child does want Chik Fil A, so I grab it for him on my way home. Again, not a huge thing, but it REALLy annoyed me. Should it? 

Saturday evening - we have DH's second job's work party which is truly an awesome thing - they rent out Universal Studio's Islands of Adventure for the employees of the university! And there are multiple restaurants open with free food (limited menu). Earlier in the day I had DH tell me which places would be open so I could look up menus to find out what options my Celiac son would have. We ate a late lunch, party starts at 5pm, I assume we will be eating dinner there (we do each year). We are in line to get in and I suggest we do a few rides but then go get food. DH looks and me and says, "free food doesn't start until 8pm-" and I cut him off with a "WHAT? Then why didn't we feed them dinner?!?!" He says, "I don't know, we'll eat dinner here,". I assume he means at 8pm, which is way too late for little kids! Now, later he said he meant we'd just buy food if they were hungry before then. But to me, it just showed he hadn't even considered what/when/how we'd feed them. Also, he said "you knew when..." and I was like, no, how would I know?? He realizes I had no access to that info, pulls itup, and sees that he read it wrong, free food starts at 6pm. Which was fine. But it really annoyed me that he had not stopped to consider what the dinner plans were, given that they are kids and eat around 5-6pm! He has a habit of wanting to go palces on the weekend and then by the time he's leaving with them it is noon and he has no realization that he needs to feed them lunch first. He HAS gotten better about it but it is an old issue. He says that he didn't plan on when/what with dinner because we have money, and he'd buy food if they got hungry. Which I realize is probably valid but not really, because by the time they are hungry they are cranky! 

Sunday - he sleeps in which is fine (and unusual) and I clean. he did run errands, but I cleaned, online shopped, took care of sick kids, organized presents, had a "quickie" with him while telling the kids we were wrapping presents so we actually had a few minutes of uninterrupted time,  and then melted a zillion candy melts to make 3 big "gingerbread" houses that would be gluten free. I did ask him to pick up more candy melts while he was out, which he did happily. But when he got home I spent literally an hour making the pieces while he laid on the couch. Then I was cleaning the table to make room , pouring out candies I'd shopped for, etc. I finally asked him to please put some cardboard to use for bases for the houses, which he did happily. But I was a bit annoyed to be doing all this while he laid there, and the kids were coming to me for drinks, play, whining, etc underfoot. 

He did happily help build the houses, which was what the kids wanted. They wanted daddy to help. 

Then late that night I told him I was going to bed, I was past running on fumes. As I'm getting up I realize I don't know his work schedule for the week, and I ask if he's working Christmas Eve. He says, "Yeah, but I'll probably leave early." I'm stopped in my tracks. We have plans to go to the 4pm church service, then the kids have to change for the Christmas pageant, then the pageant is at 5pm. He knows this. He normally leaves work at 6pm, so "probably" leaving early means he might NOT leave early, and how the heck is that going to work?!?!?! I freak out, and he gets defensive  and says I didn't tell him when church is or the pageant, that he didn't even know if it was on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Um, I DID tell him, multiple times, we discussed how to work dinner around it, we discusses last weekend the idea of doing the family short service at 4pm rather than the regular service after the pageant at 5:30pm, etc. And we NEVER go to church on Christmas day, ever ever. He pushes back, finally realizes I am right, says he just forgot for a minute, he's tired. Why am I upset? He never misses an event, so why get upset? He'll move things around if he has to, etc. He's not a bad dad, why am I acting like he is?

And I guess I don't have a good reason I got so upset, other than it came after all the other stuff, and it was one more thing I was tracking and he wasn't? I don't know. And I told him I don't think he is a bad dad, i didn't say that!

Oh, and shortly after saying that I'd go do stocking shopping on monday night when he gets home, the says he's going to be picking up other presents monday night after work, so not sure when he'll be home. Um, huh? I point that out and he says oh, well I'll pick them up on my lunch hour then, no big deal. But again, I'm having to point this out. I try to explain that I'm overwhelmed, need to feel like he is more connected with what is happening here, and ask him to hold me. As I'm in his lap crying he's ON HIS PHONE!!!!!! I ask him to put it down and he huffs and says he's just trying to arrange the present pick up for lunch time, isn't that what I want? I inform him that if ever I am asking to be held, no, I don't want him on his phone right then!

And it is all so dumb because he's TRYING to do the right thing. But argh!

 

[Chris in VA]

Aww, hon. I'm sorry all these things are in the way of your peace! 

I think it is probably just a build up of stuff. 

The one clue for me to say that is your line about not ever having time without kids. It would be healthy for you to have more margin than that, no?

[regentrude]

The thing that jumped out to  me is: you only get 2 hours a month without your kids. Not sustainable. Things that in itself are no big deal irritate you because you are burnt out.

The lunch thing: I totally get where your DH is coming from - if YOU are usually in charge of all meals (and may, possibly, have in the past voiced strong opinions about what they should eat and when), he feels he needs to check with you in case you had plans. Contrast this with the occasion when his plan to just go with the flow and eat at the event and NOT consult with you wasn't right either. See?

I think you seriously need a break. Forget about gingerbread houses and wrapping a gazillion things and stocking shopping. Go hide and do something for yourself more often than once a month. It may not actually have anything to do with the SAD- you're just running on empty. Time to put on your own oxygen mask.

[prairiewindmomma]

Fwiw, it sounds like you are running on fumes...like you are literally at the edge of your capacity and you are still trying to do life as normal.

Those all sound like normal life frustrations (at least normal to my life) that I could have the capacity to brush off if I was well but that put me over the edge when I am not well.

If you can do more to address the biochemical end of things, do it. And be really honest with dh that you are not doing well right now.

 

[ktgrok]

ok, so 3 out of 3 hivers say I just need a break, lol. 

I think you are right. 

I'm pushing so hard to do the things I should, to be the person I should or want to be, I'm not actually spending any time being who I am, if that makes sense? I realize I'm not writing, I'm barely reading any fiction (I did binge read 3 books this weekend, which helped, but not with getting sleep, lol), I'm not spending time/energy on the dogs, I totally dropped the dog training business, etc. I've been WAY better about homeschooling intentionally, housekeeping, staying organized, making meals, etc. 

But turns out, that may all be at a cost I can't pay. 

And yes, burnt out, exhausted, at my limit is how I feel. 

Edited December 23, 2019 by Ktgrok

[ktgrok]

DS 20, the last minute shopper, asked what I and my husband want for Christmas. I just told him - babysitting. I asked for coupons for him to babysit the kids - ALL of them, including the 2 yr old who he never babysits. He said he could do that. I think that will help. 

I realized I don't do much enjoyable with just DH. Or rather, anything. Even the theme park, first, I don't like theme parks very much. I'd rather have stayed home and read a book! Plus it was cold and rainy. Plus I was worried about the kids as they all have colds and being out super late in the cold/rain was NOT what they needed - but we can't afford to take them to theme parks normally so we didn't want to skip the one time a year they can go. Plus the 2 yr old couldn't do most of the rides so she and I went our own way most of the night. 

I did love it when he helped me with the yard work a few times - I like yard work, but he hates it. 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Parenting younger children and maintaining a household (you have a lot of people and a lot of pets in a small space!) is a full time job.

Homeschooling 2+ kids is at least a half-time if not full time job (depends on the needs of your kids).

Writing professionally (and reading is a kind of professional development) is also a significant investment of time.

I don’t think your recent adventures in home organization and meal planning make all of this an either/or proposition. Hopefully they have cleared mental and physical space to make you more efficient at what you do all day long. 

You just need to recharge a bit. It is very easy for people with ADD to go off balance, IME. Prioritize how you spend your limited energy and make sure you make the list. (And a date night with dh!)

[SKL]

As a solo mom, I hope you take this the right way.  You don't have to choose to do all those things.  Some of the things you are doing are pretty necessary during the holidays, but others (like the gingerbread houses etc) are not.  It would be best to work in flexibility so you could default to plan B when plan A turns out to be too much.  I definitely struggle with this myself.

I agree with Regentrude about the lunch stuff and similar.  It was considerate of your dh to ask what to feed the kids, knowing that you might have plans for the food in the fridge/pantry and not wanting to mess that up for you.  Also about the eating at the park.  He did exactly what I would do - play the food by ear.  Different style from yours, but not wrong.

Sounds like he is trying hard, and did you say he has 2 jobs?  Yes he could have offered to help you when the dogs were out barking etc (though depending on whom he was on the phone with, maybe there was a good reason he didn't).  I am sure he has other human failings that get annoying at times.  But overall, no, I don't think this overall feeling of anger is his fault.

So probably a lot of this is you setting expectations for yourself that aren't reasonable.  Some of it is the normal stress of the season with so many non-routine things to manage.  Some of it may be "SAD."  And unfortunately, it is possible that some of it is perimenopause stuff.

[SKL]

I might just add that about 2 hours ago I told my kids:  "No matter what I say to you over the next few days, please remember that I love you very much."  [ok ... ]  "It's not that I'm mad about anything right now.  It's just that I have a lot going on, and I have that feeling I get when I'm on my absolute last nerve."

So yeah, 'tis the season.

Edited December 23, 2019 by SKL

[PeterPan]

Yeah it doesn’t sound like the issue is him. You’re overbooked and feeling stressed. And if you’re stressed, probably your kids are stressed. So model mental health and talk with them about what to drop. Reclaim your peace. Are you starting D or a med for the SAD?

[ktgrok]

Thanks all. I do need to have writing time, and me time. I feel like my wants are just not being met, and maybe meeting some of my wants is actually a need. During the summer i did a lot of yard work which was helpful but also enjoyable. i do not get the same fulfillment from house cleaning. Not even close. And yeah, not writing, etc. 

To clarify the one thing, DH was playing on his phone, looking at reddit or whatever,r not on a phone call, when I was dealing with barking dogs, etc. 

And yes, he has two jobs, is working on a masters degree, and runs a local cybersecurity conference that happens in April. So last night he spent 2 hours on the phone for that. So he has a ton on his plate - he's not off golfing or drinking with the guys or whatever. Well, he does have a monthly cybersecurity meet-up that he runs that meets at a pub, and coworkers go out for drinks sometimes if there is someone visiting from another office, or it is a holiday, etc. But for the most part, we are just both running ragged. 

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

 But for the most part, we are just both running ragged. 

Then it's time to cut anything that isn't necessary. Cut kiddie activities to bare bones. Skip holiday functions. Simplify food. Dial down the house cleaning. Dirt is loyal and patient; it will still be there when you had your writing time.

ETA: Examine how many "shoulds" you have in your life. "Should" is a toxic word. The way I became aware of mine was to consistently replaces "should" either by "have to", "want to", or "could" when I caught myself thinking/writing "should".

Edited December 23, 2019 by regentrude

[ktgrok]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Then it's time to cut anything that isn't necessary. Cut kiddie activities to bare bones. Skip holiday functions. Simplify food. Dial down the house cleaning. Dirt is loyal and patient; it will still be there when you had your writing time.

The kids don't have any activities, lol. Well, they have cub scouts 3 nights a month, but we've missed a ton of those. We've done on average one outing with a homeschool group a month, if that. Can't skip the Christmas service at church because DD9 has a line in the pageant this year. That's Christmas eve, then Christmas day we are going to my mom's. 

I just got back from picking up a present for DH - I didn't realize how much we were spending this year and needed another one. I didn't want more crap in the house that we don't need, so went to Ikea and got him the organizing drawers he's been wanting for the past year but didn't want to spend the money on. But that plus a stop at the big target took up most of the afternoon, then DD came in the door and puked on the floor. I'm hoping it was just gobbling down mcdonalds when she has been swallowing snot from post nasal drip. She felt fine afterwards, and I had to stop her from gobbling up chips. so hopefully not a stomach virus. 

I still need to figure out dinner - probably just left over pork and sweet potatoes. I was going to use that to make curry but forget it, lol. Need to wrap. Need to go to the store when DH gets home for stocking stuff. Need to pick up a present that is at the UPS store. Need to pick up a package at Walmart. 

 

[SKL]

2 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

 But in regards to the food at the park...when you have a kid with special food needs, playing it by ear doesn’t work and often results in kids going hungry.   My kids have different needs than the OPs, but yeah, I would be pretty upset that my DH didn’t think ahead regarding food/special feeding issues and especially combined with the fact that he was planning to just buy food. In our case we would be bringing cash, which means knowing ahead of time that we are paying vs getting it free.  

Since the OP indicated she intended to feed the kids what was offered at the park restaurants, I gathered that the offerings at the park were fine and the only variable would be whether they paid or got it free.  Dad brought money.  I don't see a problem personally.  Any kid, special diet or not, might get hangry before 6pm.  So you do what you need to do.

I debated whether to say this before, but if this was not the first time OP and family went to this park thingy (it sounds like it was not the first), then I wondered why she didn't ask about the timing of the "free food."  Was the "free" time window a new thing this year?  I could understand DH assuming that she knew if she didn't ask.  (Yes, I realize he had seen a paper she didn't see, but we don't always remember everything we did and didn't communicate to our significant others.)  I'm not saying he was perfect, but I don't see this as something to get furious about.

[SKL]

I would also say to just accept that from late November through early January (at least), you aren't going to be able to do "you" things, you're just going to survive the holidays along with most of us, LOL.  I gave up trying to get anything else right during that time, except for required school & work stuff and essential holiday stuff (and keeping us all alive).  You can promise yourself that after you get the Christmas tree down and all the boxes in the trash in January, you will carve out time for yourself.

[ktgrok]

20 minutes ago, SKL said:

Since the OP indicated she intended to feed the kids what was offered at the park restaurants, I gathered that the offerings at the park were fine and the only variable would be whether they paid or got it free.  Dad brought money.  I don't see a problem personally.  Any kid, special diet or not, might get hangry before 6pm.  So you do what you need to do.

I debated whether to say this before, but if this was not the first time OP and family went to this park thingy (it sounds like it was not the first), then I wondered why she didn't ask about the timing of the "free food."  Was the "free" time window a new thing this year?  I could understand DH assuming that she knew if she didn't ask.  (Yes, I realize he had seen a paper she didn't see, but we don't always remember everything we did and didn't communicate to our significant others.)  I'm not saying he was perfect, but I don't see this as something to get furious about.

This was our third year. Year one they had a specific meal time, right when we got there, then we did the rides. Last year, year two, they did like this year with various places open and you could just get food whenever, and the free food started at the same time we got there. definitely by dinner time. So I assumed it would also be at dinner time this year, as we ate dinner there the last two times, and we were supposed to be there around 5pm (not sure if that was the start time or when DH wanted to get there....we actually got there at 5:30, then had to walk from parking area to the entrance, then had to stand in a giant line of employees, so it was 6pm by the time we got in the park). 

All details of the event were in his work email, I never saw them or had a chance to see them. Next year I'll have him forward it all to me!

As for timing, the kids would happily say they just want to ride rides over and over and not realize it was late and they needed to eat until there were meltdowns. So we as the adults needed to set up some plan as to when we would eat. 

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

I would also say to just accept that from late November through early January (at least), you aren't going to be able to do "you" things, you're just going to survive the holidays along with most of us, LOL.  I gave up trying to get anything else right during that time, except for required school & work stuff and essential holiday stuff (and keeping us all alive).  You can promise yourself that after you get the Christmas tree down and all the boxes in the trash in January, you will carve out time for yourself.

I may actually partly be reacting to the anticipation of the next few months - as it gets closer to the conference he is running his time will be more and more taken up by that. Although he does try to limit how much it interferes..sort of. Like, he switched the call to Sunday night instead of a weeknight so that he wasn't going directly onto a conference call the minute he walked in the door. Except he thought he was scheduling it so that he could do the call and then tuck the kids in. Um, your call starts at 8pm, they go to bed at 8:30, you get off the phone at 9pm or so. Yes, sometimes they are still up at 9pm but not on purpose, they need sleep, and if you tell them to wait for you it will be 9:20 before they actually get tucked in, etc. 

So yeah, his understanding of the kids' schedules is a bit of an issue in general. He's been busier, and just lost touch with it a lot. 

[ktgrok]

9 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

My DH's company picnic and Christmas party things change dates and times and things each year.  As the non employee, I don't get the emails.  I generally ask..."hey, what day is your company christmas party this year?  where is it at?"  I presume the same is true for the OP.  WHy is it HER job to manage the timing of the food when HE is the one who receives the information from work, because it's HIS employer's event?

My DH doesn't manage my girls GS stuff.  I don't expect him to know when my kids have GS meetings (except when I tell him that they are happening) and if there's information regarding it.............I *have* to tell him if I want him to have any role in managing it.  So as an example, my girls have a council event on 1/4.  I have received the dates and times and yes, this is a multi year thing.  However, because my DH doesn't receive any of the communications regarding GS, I don't expect him to know, until I say..."the girls have a GS event on 1/4 from 1 to 2:30."   If I say "also, there will be food at this event,"  it becomes 100% on me if I don't then tell DH "but it's not free, it's a food truck so you need to bring like $20"  The same is completely true in reverse.  If he says to me "the company picnic is 7/5 and it's at the fairgrounds."  I ALSO need him to tell me if it's at noon or 2, and I ALSO need him to tell me "btw, the menu they sent out is BBQ pork (which none of my kids will eat) and potato salad ( which none of my kids will eat) and mac and cheese (which DD11 will eat) and a fruit tray (which DD11 will eat.)  I absolutely need him to be able to read the menu and realize that our kids won't eat it.   I won't have the info if he doesn't tell me and really, at some point, I *CANNOT* be the only person who remembers to think about that stuff, *ESPECIALLY* when I am not the person who will ever receive the communications from the company about it.

Right. He saw something indicating there would be gluten free options and that was about it. He didn't stop to think that gluten free option can be grilled salmon and asparagus or whatever, which our son will not eat. Plenty of places that is the case. He also didn't know until I pointed it out during that discussion that no, french fries are NOT safe everywhere, most are fried in a communal fryer with gluten items. No clue. But I KNOW I've told him before that Chik Fil A and Five Guys are the only fast food places we can get DS food at! He also never bothered to put the gluten free shopping or restaurant apps on his phone - he relies on me to look those up. I did during my melt down last night have him put them on his phone right then, lol. 

I can't be the only person that knows this stuff - when they eat, what they eat, etc. I can't. 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, happysmileylady said:

My DH's company picnic and Christmas party things change dates and times and things each year.  As the non employee, I don't get the emails.  I generally ask..."hey, what day is your company christmas party this year?  where is it at?"  I presume the same is true for the OP.  WHy is it HER job to manage the timing of the food when HE is the one who receives the information from work, because it's HIS employer's event?

Like I said, he did exactly what I would have done - play it by ear.  There was actually no problem other than the fact that OP was surprised by info that didn't actually impact the kids' meals.  I don't agree that he is wrong because she would have done it differently.  As long as meals happen and kids get through the night reasonably OK, then it's fine.

[Again - OP already confirmed that the on-site restaurants had food that her kids could eat safely.  Her husband presumably knew this since they didn't bring food.  Husband had money to buy food at said restaurants at whatever time was appropriate.  OP accepted that this was a valid approach provided they didn't wait too long to go buy food.]

What I'm seeing is OP not being able to absorb unexpected info because she is at the end of her rope.  New info can be stressful because it requires mental energy, even if the actual info isn't bad news.  She didn't have any more mental energy to take it in and process it.  I don't assume that was her dh's fault.

Edited December 24, 2019 by SKL

[Lang Syne Boardie]

26 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

 

I can't be the only person that knows this stuff - when they eat, what they eat, etc. I can't. 

I had FOUR gluten-free kids. I know the first year is so hard. I know there are a lot of hard moments. It can take a long time to find the groove and feel OK, and there will still be hard moments now and then...some that will take your breath away. Especially if you have kids with other issues, which I do, and I know you do.

That said, here is practical help:

1. If kids are little, you pack a lunchbox with lunch and snacks on any day when you might go anywhere, or he might go somewhere without you, or be left somewhere without you. I have a memory of doing this for years -- I actually just packed a lunchbox every day. If we didn't go anywhere or I didn't know the plans for sure, then I'd cook for lunch and they'd have their lunchbox for dinner. There's a security there, that equates to mental rest: There's grab-and-go food in the fridge. Every day. 

2. Also, Dad needs some wallet cards, and any child who can read should have one, too. My boys carried these for years, in their wallet. I'd update every few months, after checking products and menus. 

(Name of grocery store) Grab and go food lists for snacks or meals. (I don't think I'd have to do this for grocery stores now, but 15 years ago it was a lot harder to navigate a grocery store for GF foods. You had undeclared "natural flavors" and all that nonsense, and nothing was labeled gluten free. So I would list the literal products and where to find them. I did this for every grocery store chain around.)

(Name of restaurant, especially fast food) list the exact menu that you would order for your child. For example, he gets the gluten free chicken sandwich - grilled on a GF bun - at Chick-Fil-A, lemonade is OK, ask about waffle fries. He gets a bun-free double cheeseburger with bacon and a side salad with ranch dressing at Wendy's. Write in bold letters NO ADDITIONS OR SUBSTITUTIONS. NO EXTRA ITEMS. 

3. As the child gets used to the diet and as he gets older, he takes over a lot of this stuff. DH will grow into it, just from familiarity - I mean, if he always gets the GF pizzas from Kroger and gets into a Johnsonville sausage and Ore-Ida tater tots groove, he will start to remember. He will remember that fresh fruits and salad (prepared at home) are always OK, eggs and potatoes and rice are OK, etc. 

You guys all need more time to acclimate to celiac, and you need more breaks. it will not always be like this.

 

Edited December 23, 2019 by Lang Syne Boardie

[catz]

I would say with my own husband I just need to put it way out there what I need at any time.  He doesn't read minds or multitask or  think in the same way I do.   tend to be 27 steps ahead and he tends to be 2 steps behind.  I I want him to do something my way, explicit instructions need to be involved.

I would also say depression can come out as lack of patience and anger in some people.  So I wouldn't assume this is SAD and it will pass if you wait if it is affecting your life day to day.  Think about treatment.  Talk to a therapist. That really helped me piece out what was reasonable in terms of anger and expectations.  

[Tanaqui]

I don't know you, or your life, or your husband... but I have to say, when you started off your first post with a paean to how your husband is amazing, wonderful, would never intentionally hurt you, etc etc etc - all the hairs on the back of my neck went up.

This may be my bias speaking, but it always does seem to me that the more people need to surround their complaints with glowing approval, the more things are likely to be really wrong.

And then I read the rest of it and - you're not asking your husband to read minds. You're asking him to have a minimum amount of situational awareness and recognize that if the dog is barking while the kid is asleep, and you haven't stopped them, he needs to step up and help. You're asking him to remember that your kids have special dietary needs, including a set dinnertime, and take that into account when finding restaurants. You're asking him to remember to feed them lunch, for crying out loud, which means start to finish, without having to call you to ask for directions.

You know he doesn't act like this at work, because if he did, his coworkers would hate him and sooner or later he'd find himself looking for new employment. This isn't a "men" thing. Plenty of men manage this all the time when there will actually be consequences for not pulling their weight. He does this at home because... well, it works. You handle all the mental load of doing everything, and often the physical load as well, even when you're both home.

So, he's a great guy and he's not doing this on purpose, it just happens to shake out that he benefits from all this when you pick up the slack. If he's so great he ought to be open to a frank and honest discussion of why this is unsustainable, but in reality, no amount of talking, explanatory links, or interpretative dance is likely to shake his entrenched way of doing things. This may be a bit repetitive, I know I suggest it often, but a few sessions of couples counseling may be the way to go. If nothing else, "I want to seek counseling over this" is a very clear sign that you are serious.

With that said, people with SAD often have other forms of depression as well. You may want to get that checked out. Certainly it wouldn't be surprising for somebody with as much on her plate as you to suffer from burnout or depression, even without seasons.

[ktgrok]

13 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

I don't know you, or your life, or your husband... but I have to say, when you started off your first post with a paean to how your husband is amazing, wonderful, would never intentionally hurt you, etc etc etc - all the hairs on the back of my neck went up.

This may be my bias speaking, but it always does seem to me that the more people need to surround their complaints with glowing approval, the more things are likely to be really wrong.

And then I read the rest of it and - you're not asking your husband to read minds. You're asking him to have a minimum amount of situational awareness and recognize that if the dog is barking while the kid is asleep, and you haven't stopped them, he needs to step up and help. You're asking him to remember that your kids have special dietary needs, including a set dinnertime, and take that into account when finding restaurants. You're asking him to remember to feed them lunch, for crying out loud, which means start to finish, without having to call you to ask for directions.

You know he doesn't act like this at work, because if he did, his coworkers would hate him and sooner or later he'd find himself looking for new employment. This isn't a "men" thing. Plenty of men manage this all the time when there will actually be consequences for not pulling their weight. He does this at home because... well, it works. You handle all the mental load of doing everything, and often the physical load as well, even when you're both home.

So, he's a great guy and he's not doing this on purpose, it just happens to shake out that he benefits from all this when you pick up the slack. If he's so great he ought to be open to a frank and honest discussion of why this is unsustainable, but in reality, no amount of talking, explanatory links, or interpretative dance is likely to shake his entrenched way of doing things. This may be a bit repetitive, I know I suggest it often, but a few sessions of couples counseling may be the way to go. If nothing else, "I want to seek counseling over this" is a very clear sign that you are serious.

With that said, people with SAD often have other forms of depression as well. You may want to get that checked out. Certainly it wouldn't be surprising for somebody with as much on her plate as you to suffer from burnout or depression, even without seasons.

Well, part of why I think it is bugging me so much is before he got so busy, he wasn't like this. He was around more, so he knew their routines, and he could handle them. 

And I get why the glowing stuff would be a possible red flag, but seriously, he really is a great guy. I've had a bad marriage, done therapy for years, and am the first to call BS if I thought he was being purposely hurtful or oblivious. I really think its more a mismatch of him thinking he's doing what I need (like checking his phone to rearrange pick up times for a gift to accommodate me going to the store after he gets home..but I just needed him to hold me for a minute). 

[ktgrok]

Oh, and the reason I think SAD is that this is the third year of it. I'm fine in the summer. And everyone around me can tell the change of seasons by my mood. 

But yeah, I'm going to call after the holidays if I still feel like this and get some professional help. 

[fairfarmhand]

One thing to add.

before you leave for your own time you say “are there any questions? Because it annoys me to hear from you when I’m supposed to be relaxing. So unless there’s blood, don’t call or text. ASk your questions now or forever hold your peace!” All said with a sweet smile.

[SKL]

18 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

I don't know you, or your life, or your husband... but I have to say, when you started off your first post with a paean to how your husband is amazing, wonderful, would never intentionally hurt you, etc etc etc - all the hairs on the back of my neck went up.

This may be my bias speaking, but it always does seem to me that the more people need to surround their complaints with glowing approval, the more things are likely to be really wrong.

And then I read the rest of it and - you're not asking your husband to read minds. You're asking him to have a minimum amount of situational awareness and recognize that if the dog is barking while the kid is asleep, and you haven't stopped them, he needs to step up and help. You're asking him to remember that your kids have special dietary needs, including a set dinnertime, and take that into account when finding restaurants. You're asking him to remember to feed them lunch, for crying out loud, which means start to finish, without having to call you to ask for directions.

You know he doesn't act like this at work, because if he did, his coworkers would hate him and sooner or later he'd find himself looking for new employment. This isn't a "men" thing. Plenty of men manage this all the time when there will actually be consequences for not pulling their weight. He does this at home because... well, it works. You handle all the mental load of doing everything, and often the physical load as well, even when you're both home.

So, he's a great guy and he's not doing this on purpose, it just happens to shake out that he benefits from all this when you pick up the slack. If he's so great he ought to be open to a frank and honest discussion of why this is unsustainable, but in reality, no amount of talking, explanatory links, or interpretative dance is likely to shake his entrenched way of doing things. This may be a bit repetitive, I know I suggest it often, but a few sessions of couples counseling may be the way to go. If nothing else, "I want to seek counseling over this" is a very clear sign that you are serious.

With that said, people with SAD often have other forms of depression as well. You may want to get that checked out. Certainly it wouldn't be surprising for somebody with as much on her plate as you to suffer from burnout or depression, even without seasons.

Note that there is nothing in any of the posts about her husband's mental load that he primarily handles.  Two jobs, school, a big upcoming project, trying to always be there for the kids' stuff though he is not their primary caregiver, trying to understand and do what his wife needs, plus all the extra stuff he probably has for the holidays and more.  As Regentrude says, I think both of them are carrying a heavy weight.  The obvious answer (to me) is not attacking him for this.  He sounds like he doesn't have capacity to take on more.  IMO the logical plan is to get through the holidays and then figure out how to dial it back so both can be sure they are focusing on the right priorities.

[prairiewindmomma]

45 minutes ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

I had FOUR gluten-free kids. I know the first year is so hard. I know there are a lot of hard moments. It can take a long time to find the groove and feel OK, and there will still be hard moments now and then...some that will take your breath away. Especially if you have kids with other issues, which I do, and I know you do.

That said, here is practical help:

1. If kids are little, you pack a lunchbox with lunch and snacks on any day when you might go anywhere, or he might go somewhere without you, or be left somewhere without you. I have a memory of doing this for years -- I actually just packed a lunchbox every day. If we didn't go anywhere or I didn't know the plans for sure, then I'd cook for lunch and they'd have their lunchbox for dinner. There's a security there, that equates to mental rest: There's grab-and-go food in the fridge. Every day. 

2. Also, Dad needs some wallet cards, and any child who can read should have one, too. My boys carried these for years, in their wallet. I'd update every few months, after checking products and menus. 

(Name of grocery store) Grab and go food lists for snacks or meals. (I don't think I'd have to do this for grocery stores now, but 15 years ago it was a lot harder to navigate a grocery store for GF foods. You had undeclared "natural flavors" and all that nonsense, and nothing was labeled gluten free. So I would list the literal products and where to find them. I did this for every grocery store chain around.)

(Name of restaurant, especially fast food) list the exact menu that you would order for your child. For example, he gets the gluten free chicken sandwich - grilled on a GF bun - at Chick-Fil-A, lemonade is OK, ask about waffle fries. He gets a bun-free double cheeseburger with bacon and a side salad with ranch dressing at Wendy's. Write in bold letters NO ADDITIONS OR SUBSTITUTIONS. NO EXTRA ITEMS. 

3. As the child gets used to the diet and as he gets older, he takes over a lot of this stuff. DH will grow into it, just from familiarity - I mean, if he always gets the GF pizzas from Kroger and gets into a Johnsonville sausage and Ore-Ida tater tots groove, he will start to remember. He will remember that fresh fruits and salad (prepared at home) are always OK, eggs and potatoes and rice are OK, etc. 

You guys all need more time to acclimate to celiac, and you need more breaks. it will not always be like this.

 

This is fantastic advice. I used to keep a computer file that I would print off occasionally (when the old sheet was lost/torn/written on), but now we share iPhone notes. 

I also kept a freezer shelf of designated “safe” foods that dh could use to prep for a dc at any time. Like—if a meal or snack needs to be made—go for this. 

Unfortunately this is all stuff that takes work and maintenance (rechecking the list a couple of times a year, restocking the shelf), but keep this idea on your list of possible tools to add to the toolbox.

Fwiw, I still carry safe foods in my purse 24/7–enough to feed everyone for a few hours. Sometimes you are hungry now with questionable options available.

I am 100% about recommending date night though. He also sounds burned out if he is hyperfocusing onto the ‘net during his few minutes of downtime. In my family it is completely possible to be that unaware when you are stressed and tired. It’s not a helpful behavior, but something we have dealt with. You have to be super open and direct about communication. We also have to be careful about planning tasks and responsibilities.

 

[Tanaqui]

Okay, if it's a new issue then I'll cop to my own bias here. I still think that a stint of couples counseling might help, if only to make sure both of them are on the same page. Sometimes it's useful to have a little help talking to another person.

[Shoeless]

6 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Well, part of why I think it is bugging me so much is before he got so busy, he wasn't like this. He was around more, so he knew their routines, and he could handle them. 

 

That's the key to this, then.  It sounds like he's at maximum capacity, too. 

I've had moments where I hear some sort of ruckus in the next room, and I think "I'm just going to pretend that isn't happening. Maybe they'll handle it and I won't have to help".  It usually happens when I've been sick or had a lot on my plate.  Should I offer to help without being asked in those times? Probably. Yet I don't always do it because I'm teetering on the edge of a meltdown.  

Is there anything that you and your husband can do to free up some down time for yourselves? Anything you can streamline or do less? Is there anything meal prep you can do in advance to streamline the rest of your week?    

I've started making several day's worth of pb&j sandwiches and putting them in ziplocks in the fridge. I also started meal-prepping 5 days worth of meals at a time.  None of what I am making is complicated or involves exotic ingredients.  Not having to make a decision every single flipping day about what we'll eat has released SO much stress from my life. 

[Katy]

It sounds like with the multiple jobs and the conference he's just at a place he can't keep all of his at home stuff straight either.  And with the Christmas pile on, and the sick kids it's impossible for you to pick up the slack from him not helping at home.  This isn't sustainable for either of you.

I think TWO things need to happen.  1) You need half an hour of alone time every day when he has the kids and your phone is on airplane mode.  Maybe you can take the dogs for a walk when he gets home from work and he can play with kids.  And 2) You need to be out in the sunshine every morning.  Maybe take a break at take all the kids for a walk at 10am unless there's a thunderstorm, in which case pile in the car and walk at a mall.

And then I would try very hard to increase the margins in your lives for the first quarter of 2020.  Ideas for this:

• Just say no to all extra kids activities.
• Minimize meal stress with a very simple rotating plan, such as:  Breakfast: GF Oatmeal in slow cooker with berries and microwave turkey sausage on weekdays, GF French Toast on Saturdays, Toaster Waffles on Sundays.  Lunches: GF PB&J sandwiches, apple slices and baby carrots on weekdays, Chick Fil A on Saturdays, 5 Guys on Sundays.  Supper rotating: Mexican on Mondays (fajitas or tacos), Pasta on Tuesdays (pick two favorites and alternate), Asian on Wednesdays (Stir Fry with microwave steam pack veggies,  I can give you a teriyaki recipe), Fish on Thursdays, Pizza on Friday, Dad cooks or grills on Saturday, Sunday Supper a favorite recipe from each person in the family, so if there are 2 parents and 4 kids each picks two favorite meals.  Over 3 months you each choose the Sunday supper once, and have to help cook and clean up afterwards.  With this plan you have a simple regular grocery list.  Obviously you might have to choose different meals with food allergies, etc, but whatever works for you.
• Family clean up.  No one, not even dad goes to bed without ALL the things being put away.

[ktgrok]

Update:

He came home shortly after noon, and immediately started cleaning the house, then cleaned my car out, helped get kids ready, etc while I helped DD9 make a cheesecake and I dyed my hair. He had a fantastic time at church which is not usual for him (yay for the chaos of the family service!!! He was grinning the whole time!), the kids were adorable in the pageant and we were both laughing when our little sheep went rogue and exited the stage to sit with us, lol. 

Dinner is instant pot pasta - cooking now. DD9 is making pecan pie bars. We have a TON of wrapping to do, but I bought a ton of cheap gift bags at dollar tree last night to make that a bit easier. Any gift not yet purchased will be a printed out gift certificate off the internet! (need to do a few of those for DS20 who still hasn't told me what he wants). In fact, I sent DS20 out with the money the grandparents gave me to buy him presents and told him to buy himself stuff and put it under the tree, a s it was too late for me to shop for him at this point! So he came to church (a miracle!) and is now out shopping. We even stopped at Starbucks and then drove past some pretty lights on the way home. 

So far, so good!

 

[ktgrok]

8 hours ago, Katy said:

It sounds like with the multiple jobs and the conference he's just at a place he can't keep all of his at home stuff straight either.  And with the Christmas pile on, and the sick kids it's impossible for you to pick up the slack from him not helping at home.  This isn't sustainable for either of you.

I think TWO things need to happen.  1) You need half an hour of alone time every day when he has the kids and your phone is on airplane mode.  Maybe you can take the dogs for a walk when he gets home from work and he can play with kids.  And 2) You need to be out in the sunshine every morning.  Maybe take a break at take all the kids for a walk at 10am unless there's a thunderstorm, in which case pile in the car and walk at a mall.

And then I would try very hard to increase the margins in your lives for the first quarter of 2020.  Ideas for this:

• Just say no to all extra kids activities.
• Minimize meal stress with a very simple rotating plan, such as:  Breakfast: GF Oatmeal in slow cooker with berries and microwave turkey sausage on weekdays, GF French Toast on Saturdays, Toaster Waffles on Sundays.  Lunches: GF PB&J sandwiches, apple slices and baby carrots on weekdays, Chick Fil A on Saturdays, 5 Guys on Sundays.  Supper rotating: Mexican on Mondays (fajitas or tacos), Pasta on Tuesdays (pick two favorites and alternate), Asian on Wednesdays (Stir Fry with microwave steam pack veggies,  I can give you a teriyaki recipe), Fish on Thursdays, Pizza on Friday, Dad cooks or grills on Saturday, Sunday Supper a favorite recipe from each person in the family, so if there are 2 parents and 4 kids each picks two favorite meals.  Over 3 months you each choose the Sunday supper once, and have to help cook and clean up afterwards.  With this plan you have a simple regular grocery list.  Obviously you might have to choose different meals with food allergies, etc, but whatever works for you.
• Family clean up.  No one, not even dad goes to bed without ALL the things being put away.

love these ideas, thank you~