helping my mom declutter......HELP!!!

[ProudGrandma]

My parents just recently moved from Michigan to Texas to live with my brother and family.  They are sharing a big house (with very little storage space) because all of the extra rooms are being used.  My parents have turned 3 bedrooms and a great space into their bedrooms, a livingroom and their own kitchen.  My brother and his family occupy the rest of the bedrooms and house.   My parents had to downsize some when they moved...but they are still living among a lot of boxes. 

We are visiting them for the first time in their new place over Christmas, but we will only be able to be there for a few days. I want to use my time wisely, and I need to help my mom downsize some more, but she is so attached to her stuff...sometimes, it's just so silly... a box of old magazines or 15-20 drinking glasses (kept just in case)....for example...what is even sillier now, is that if she needed something she no longer had, my SIL probably has what she needs or something similar. 

I know the issue is deeper than that...losing independence etc...but my dad's health isn't the best and living with tons of boxes all over the place is stressful and tiring even for a healthy person.  How do I get her to see that she needs to make their living space a place where they can enjoy being in, instead of a space that is so full of clutter?

She knows in her head she needs to downsize, but her heart won't let it happen much...

What is the best way to help her?

[Elizabeth86]

Can she rent a storage unit?  It's not a great solution,but I have several keep it just in case people in my life.  That's hard to change.  She could have her stuff just in case, low stress for you and the stuff would be out of the way? 

[maize]

Would pointing out that they could afford to buy something again if it turns out to be important because of all the money they are saving by not going into a more expensive housing situation help? Even old magazines can be got on eBay! The space that would be needed to actually store all their stuff reasonably would be expensive.

At least, this is one of the things I tell myself when I am having trouble letting go of stuff. 

[ProudGrandma]

It has been requested (by my mom) that I help...the storage unit might be a thought....I have no idea how much something like that costs a month...it' s not ALL of their stuff...so I will check into that.   But, I can then see this happening...."I can't put this into storage, what if I want it?" They currently do not have a car because they aren't comfortable driving in the area yet, but the discussion to get one is still on the table...so just hopping in the car to get xy or z wouldn't be super easy.  

The rebuy option doesn't work with them...they have very little money and they won't accept the idea of throwing something, only to later rebuy it.  (I have tried this line of logic with them)

[happi duck]

Storage units add up so if money is an issue this might be a stressful solution.

Ime, I was not able to convince my loved one to get rid of all the extra and instead was able to help her agree that she only had a certain amount of storage and helped her box things nicely and clearly.

What I did was guide choosing a spot that could be curtained off and determined how many storage boxes could fit and then helped fill the boxes with what was most important to her.

It sounds like they have 4 rooms (each have a bedroom, kitchen, living room?)  Can they possibly share a room and make one room organized storage?  If not can the edge of another room be curtained off ?

Ime, it won't ever be what makes sense to you.  Imo, you are trying to help make their place safe physically while also guarding their emotions during a hard transition.

Good luck!

[prairiewindmomma]

Rationality doesn’t play into this, IME. It is driven by emotions—there’s likely a bit of anxiety about the future (a fear of not having what you need) and a bit of grieving of the loss of independence.

I would emphasize the importance of making it feel like a home (it doesn’t feel homey with boxes everywhere) and that it is a safety hazard to have boxes everywhere.

Storage facilities are expensive, IME, and things don’t age well in TX heat.

[mlktwins]

So...my dad moved from his house of 50+ years to a 2 bedroom apartment last year.  My mom has been gone since 2001, so he was by himself.  He didn't want to move - what about all my stuff?!?!?  People told me to get a storage room, but yes, those are very expensive over time.  And...guess what, I was going to be the one cleaning all the stuff out of the storage room when the time came.  I just wanted it done!

Fast forward to now - he LOVES his new, smaller place and does not miss all the stuff!  The 3 months before his move we went through all his clothes (closets full).  He has only what he loves and what fits now and they are all in one closet (and a coat closet).  So much easier for him to find stuff and keep up with himself.  Same with shoes and coats.  Your parents should be able to get rid of their winter gear at this point!

We went through the house and he picked the furniture, pictures/mirrors he liked hanging on the wall, a few knick-knacks, lamps, etc.  He has enough dishes for 4 people and a few extra drinking glasses.

My sister and I decided what we wanted from what he didn't want and the rest was sold at an estate sale.  Things my dad thought we worth money (collectibles) aren't worth much anymore.  I had to show him prices on ebay.  He wanted me to post and sell them on ebay - in my spare time.  No thanks.  I offered to keep them for him to do it and he wanted no part of that.  So...they are gone.

Maybe this sounds horrible, but it was such a relief to have everything cleaned out and the house sold.  No we are just maintaining what he really loves and uses.

And...I agree with @happi duck! What she does want to keep that isn't being displayed, make sure it is packed neatly and label the boxes.  This will help you down the road also!

Good luck with it all!  Tough situation to be in!  Bless your brother for taking them in :-). 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

even mild hoarding is related to depression, and will respond to antidepressants.   she could try 5htp, which doesn't require a prescription.  it is safe to take at higher doses than the bottle says (my dr told me I could take 600mg, I take 400mg.), and it can seem like it's doing zip until you hit the correct dose.

[Annie G]

She might need some time before she’s ready to part with a lot of stuff- like a year or so after the move. Can they buy a storage shed for the back yard? Then things will be close to her.  Home Depot sells Tuff Sheds and they;re site built and well made.  If not an option, a storage building might work, especially if you can keep up with how many times she’s gone to get things and then take time to go through stuff with her again. 
We moved after being in the same house for 25 years and it took dh THREE sorting sessions before he was able to really let things go. And he’s still got things to go through. Then his Dad passed away and now we’re swamped with stuff he remembers from his childhood...so I totally understand your frustration. 
 

I worked hard to label things well and make sure things were packed sensibly.  Like things together, and if there’s a lot of something, pack it together so the person sees just how much they have. make good use of under bed storage, etc. 

My dad never bought things but Mom has been gone 7 years And suddenly he’s spending money like crazy. At 87 he doesn’t need all this stuff!!!! I feel for you- it’s tough!

[MercyA]

Would it help her if she knew her things were going to someone else who could use them? Are there any causes or charities near and dear to her heart? Any nieces or nephews or grandchildren who are just setting up house? 

[KungFuPanda]

My son makes decisions faster when we do a Keep, Toss, and Maybe/Storage pile.  It helps us organize very quickly without thinking too hard.  Getting rid of the Toss pile frees up some space quickly.  Once the Keep/Love/Use Daily/I'd-save-it-in-a-fire stuff is back in place and his room looks so light and clean, it's always easier to be more objective about all the Maybe stuff because he doesn't want to re-clutter his room.

ETA:  Display shelves can also help with some things because they can be put up on unused wall space and not clutter the floor. Sorting that Maybe pile into categories can also be useful when it comes time to purge even more.

Edited December 23, 2019 by KungFuPanda

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

Ime, I was not able to convince my loved one to get rid of all the extra and instead was able to help her agree that she only had a certain amount of storage and helped her box things nicely and clearly.

What I did was guide choosing a spot that could be curtained off and determined how many storage boxes could fit and then helped fill the boxes with what was most important to her.

Ime, it won't ever be what makes sense to you. 

I would add that perhaps separating what is practical vs. sentimental broadly (like, you might not think 15-20 drinking glasses are practical, but they aren't going to want to buy more if they break some they are using), and then also encourage taking pictures of sentimental things, labeling them if it's important to know where they came from, and if they are to go to someone after your parents are gone, maybe encourage them to make a gift of the item now instead of later. But you have to be really, really unpressured.

Also, sometimes the "how does this work" or the ability to visualize how things should be/fit in a new space (especially if the home they moved from had been theirs a long time) is not as sharp as it used to be (and some people just don't visualize at all or know how things fit), and they really just need some very gentle brainstorming for what could be better without being told the answer is to just get rid of stuff. I know that I have good spatial skills and am pretty efficient with how I like things done, but it takes me TIME to settle into a house and determine how that house works for me and my stuff. I can imagine that process slowing down with age and the fact that they already probably decided a ton of things to get to the new location. I also have relatives that organize just fine, but they aren't good at the how much fits where thing--even with leftovers, lol! 

I did some housekeeping for an elderly great aunt one summer. She had a lot that needed to get out of the way for her to function better. She wasn't opposed to that, but she couldn't really do it, so she sounded resistant. Just little things like optimizing her cupboard space to put all items within her reach so that they didn't have to be on the counter was a help. Then, she was quite willing to box things up (in her case, she had room to store stuff). I think it was just too much to think about how to make it happen, and she didn't want to be pressured. 

[mlktwins]

11 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I did some housekeeping for an elderly great aunt one summer. She had a lot that needed to get out of the way for her to function better. She wasn't opposed to that, but she couldn't really do it, so she sounded resistant. Just little things like optimizing her cupboard space to put all items within her reach so that they didn't have to be on the counter was a help. Then, she was quite willing to box things up (in her case, she had room to store stuff). I think it was just too much to think about how to make it happen, and she didn't want to be pressured. 

I also want to add that I think, for my dad, the task was so overwhelming that he just didn't want to do it!  I think it was much easier when I did it for him - once we got going that is!  And...a lot of the "pretty" stuff was mom's.  When I finally said that her collecting that stuff was a season of life (really it was her therapy -- LOL) and that it had served its purpose (to make her happy), that it was ok to let it go.  He was better after that too.

[mlktwins]

34 minutes ago, Annie G said:

My dad never bought things but Mom has been gone 7 years And suddenly he’s spending money like crazy. At 87 he doesn’t need all this stuff!!!! I feel for you- it’s tough!

Yes -- my dad too!  And...the money spent on golf clubs and equipment?!?!?  My mom was probably turning over in her grave!!!!

[matrips]

How many boxes are you talking about?  Is it possible to:

1). Pile them behind a pretty room divider/screen?

2) buy some old trunks/storage ottomans or cubby storage and move it from the boxes to furniture looking storage?

when you go through stuff with her- do the 3 piles suggested. Give away, keep, not sure.  It will take several run throughs like this each year.  It just can’t be decided that quickly and all at once. It’s easier to pare it down.  And then next year, do the three piles again and pare down some more.

as soon as the pile of giveaways forms, get it out of the house and out of sight, and in your trunk to drop off somewhere.

[fairfarmhand]

“Tell you what mom, I’ll buy these glasses from you for $5 and in the future if you need more I’ll bring you some.”

Then you can donate them. Likely buying household items from/for your mom is cheaper than long term storage unit.

[BusyMom5]

It's going to take much longer then the few days you have, so I would decide on one area to do nicely.  Clear out all boxes in said room.  Put in the things they want or need, then stack unnecessary things in 1 room.  Repeat x4 😉

Hopefully having one nice, cleared, cleaned room will inspire them to get rid of more stuff.  Example, for the bedroom-

Take out everything except furniture and make the bed up nicely.  All clothes go into keep, toss, maybe boxes.  Keep stuff, put in dresser or closet.  Toss stuff donate, maybe box gets packed up for another room.  Next do decor and knick knacks- what does she want on walls or on shelves- put that stuff out.  Put the rest into keep, toss, maybe boxes.  

I would also suggest under the bed storage boxes that can slide in and out. For a few sentimental things.

Keep one room as the working room- full of boxes- and only take the stuff that belongs into the room it goes in.  

I would think 1 room would be a lot to do in just a few days, unless your mom already has a good idea of which things she wants to get rid of.  The move and getting into a new space may have made her rethink all the stuff she packed and moved.  

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, MercyA said:

Would it help her if she knew her things were going to someone else who could use them? Are there any causes or charities near and dear to her heart? Any nieces or nephews or grandchildren who are just setting up house? 

 

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

“Tell you what mom, I’ll buy these glasses from you for $5 and in the future if you need more I’ll bring you some.”

Then you can donate them. Likely buying household items from/for your mom is cheaper than long term storage unit.

Both these strategies are excellent!

Honestly, a lot of the resistance to getting rid of stuff can be a form of shame - being ashamed that you spent the money on it, or held on to it so long already, etc. So donating it or getting money for it helps alleviate that. For me, donating is the big thing. When I think about it that way, knowing that someone who NEEDS it could be using it now, or I could be selfishly hoarding it for someday, likely never actually using it, letting it sit in a box....that makes the answer much more clear, you know? Maybe there is a charity nearby with a thrift store to donate to, that they would have a connection to? My mom loves to donate to the humane society thrift store for instance, or to the veterans one. I don't care, I just get rid of it at the closest place, lol. 

Maybe also point out that there is only so much room and using it for stuff leaves less room for the people in her life, her family, to visit with her? So if her family is her biggest priority, then moving some stuff out would make more space for them?

This video was helpful for me in explaining that viewpoint: 

 

And this one is great for sentimental stuff:

 

[KungFuPanda]

With older people, it can help to have a pile for "Things That Stay in the Family." They might easily pass something on if their granddaughter can use it in her college apartment.  Box it up, put a name on it, and get it to that person.  Any kid who will launch in the next few years is fair game.

Also, are they willing to give up a bedroom to use as a storage room so that the boxes aren't IN their living room.  I think it would be better to house guests in the living room now and then than keeping a whole room available for occasional use while they stare at boxes every day.  Even pushing all of he boxes against a wall and putting up a curtain to hide it can greatly reduce the stress of visual clutter.  Drop cloth and conduit pipe makes the world's cheapest room dividing curtain.

If the item has a significant memory that can be evoked by just seeing it, maybe they'd be willing to photograph it then pass it on.  They could have one of those online photo books on their shelf so they can "see" their item any time they want.

Edited December 23, 2019 by KungFuPanda

[Carrie12345]

Imagining it as my own mom (not that she’d EVER go for it, lol), I’d just shoot straight.  “You can’t ask me to help you with something you don’t actually want to do. I don’t want to spend my holiday arguing over excessive glassware.  When you’re ready to let go of things, let me know.”

[Pen]

I think a storage unit, or perhaps outside storage shed if yard has room and environment is suitable, would be best solution.  Maybe brother family could share the unit and that would allow it to be visited from time to time without lots of stress over asking for a ride? Even if it were for some out of season stuff etc.

I can understand that a new living situation and so forth would make it feel scary to part permanently with things that might be needed in future.  Possibly a year or two of living without the stuff and seeing that the new situation is working and comfortable, and that any needed items have been retrieved would help to let the remainder go permanently. 

 

[PeterPan]

How long has she been in the new place? It's pretty telling if she has been in there say 6 months and not used the things. That alone is a reason to just take the boxes out.

When we moved my father, it was exceptionally stressful. The social worker told us moving a senior citizen is one of the MOST STRESSFUL things you can do. For him, he couldn't watch. He went elsewhere, we did it, and when he came back he had a beautiful new place.

So two options, just off the top of my head. One, as her if she'd trust you to just do it. Tell her you won't *throw* anything away, only take it back with you, and that if she remembers something she really needs you'll bring it back on the next visit. That's what we did. No I would not pay to store junk. Two, I would consider bringing in a professional organizer. They'll probably do something similar, starting with how we fill the space to make it functional/comfortable and then removing everything else. 

Reality is there won't be room for everything. Make her current space nice. Help her mount things, put things away. Then with what's left, it's just like sorry there is no space. I would approach it pro-actively like that. We've filled your new space, it's done.

Besides, if she doesn't get rid of some stuff, how will she get to shop? 

[prairiewindmomma]

One other strategy we had was to separate out the “heirloom” from the non-heirloom stuff and make sure the family stories were written down about the heirloom stuff. When I didn’t have time to get all of the stories down during my visit, I would print off a photo (and later, when she had a smart phone, texted) so that the story could be written down.

I find it interesting she isn’t asking the family she is living with to go through her stuff.

[happi duck]

When my late sister was widowed and then lost her home to foreclosure due to medical debt she did not want to lose.one.more.thing.   It could be that this move is a big loss to them and keeping stuff has even bigger meaning now.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would start with the kitchen/dining area.  

What is needed to function there?  Is there room for all that?  Is there more room for some extras?  How much more?  

Then prioritize the stuff—necessary, extras, excess that there is no room for.  Box up the excess to place in the family or donate.

Be ready to say that you don’t want stuff.  Be aware that they will feel better about letting things go if they think the stuff is going to someone who will use, appreciate, and enjoy it.  Those two can be in conflict, so think them through in advance.

For instance, my mom has some very old china dolls that she loved as a kid.  I am 62 years old and although I have seen them on her shelves my whole life, I don’t think I have ever touched one.  They are fragile and it just wasn’t allowed.  A few years ago she wanted to place these with someone, and I think she really thought we would all love to have them.  But no, no one wanted them—because we all have houses full of stuff, we loved other things than those, and we don’t have good memories of them like she does.  Plus, at least in my case, I knew that if I said I wanted them somehow something would go wrong.  Either she would not actually give them to me, or she would want them back.  

So my suggestion is to think through your parents’ patterns and whether you want to spend any time on this.  If it’s just going to be miserable and unproductive, you might avoid it this time, or set a boundary of two boxes per visit or something.  If this were easy it would already be finished.

[City Mouse]

I wish I knew what to do. My parents moved 2 yrs ago, and my mom still has boxes and boxes of stuff. She can barely walk from her front door to the car to go to a doctor’s appointment, but she insists on keeping 30 yr old camping equipment. Like she is ever going to go camping again. 

We went through this with my MIL 15 yrs ago.  I am determined not to do the same thing to my kids, but I probably will.

[bolt.]

I've got a different perspective. I'm actually perfectly happy with a living space having a "box wall".

That means that the living space loses just one strip of floor space, and you perfectly label and stack about a 5x5 "wall" of identical boxes for her. Do a great job of labeling: no scribbling. Use a white paper with a complete and precise list taped squarely to the front of each box. Make sure you use *her* names for things, and note which things are valuable or sentimental, vs things that are practical and useful. Keep an eye out for things that wouldn't be worth donating (even though they are worth something to her) and maybe keep them together in one box. If you make a change to a box, make a new label -- keep it pretty! Also print "date packed" on the label. Leave a space for "date last accessed".

I bet you can put every object that she is struggling to part with into the wall. 25 boxes is a lot of storage space. Once they stop tripping over things, the existence of the box wall will just fade into the background of everyone's mind. Just treat it like it's the actual wall of the room. Put the back of a couch against it, and it's halfway invisible. The thing is, having your own belongings on hand *does* make people comfortable. It's okay to give up floor space for that goal. Just get them tidy and out of the way. She can deal with the next steps when she is ready: if she is ever ready.

In a few years, you will be there for Christmas again, and I'll bet you will both look at the untouched "box wall" and decide to get rid of half of those boxes without even opening them. Trust the labels. If she never gets rid of them: fine. She did without 5 square feet of floor space for 20 or 40 years, and it's all nicely packed for donation when she no longer has a need for earthly goods.

Edited December 24, 2019 by bolt.

[Pen]

You could also take a cubic foot measure of the boxes that are a problem and see if there’s a purchasable unit that could work, like: Outdoor Storage Shed 8 x 8 FT Steel Backyard Garden Shed for Patio Furniture,Lawn Mower,Bike (8'8') https://www.amazon.com/dp/B081T7L6XC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_bWOaEbQG79ZR7

probably if it’s able to fit in their living room now it’s actually going to be less than 8’x8’ needed

[Katy]

There's a book called Decluttering at the Speed of Life that is the best thing ever.  It's not about getting rid of things or sparking emotion, it's about the space and how to motivate yourself to get rid of things when you feel overwhelmed, by steps such as starting in the most visible place, and using the container theory. 

This is the place for ______.  Which ones are your favorites?  Oops, out of space.  We can't keep the rest.  There are steps for other items too, things that have no space, etc.  I highly recommend the audiobook on Audible. She's extremely good at reasoning a creative, cost-oriented person into not only understanding rationally but FEELING that decluttering is the best thing to do.