A Very Confusing Gift (I have no idea how to feel about this)

[Shoeless]

This is a very confusing and complicated situation.  I have no idea what to make of it. This is very long.  Please be kind!  I really have tried very, very hard to "fix" this broken relationship.

Some background, for context:

I have not spoken to my mother or stepfather in about 3 years.  This was their choice, not mine. My mother has estranged herself from everyone in our family: her elderly aunts and uncles, her cousins, her brothers, nieces, nephews.  I was the last person she still spoke with.  There was no big fight or "event" that caused the estrangement. She's done a slow fade from everyone's life for the last 10 years.  She never told one of her brothers that she was moving from NY to Florida.  She changed her phone number and didn't tell anyone for several months.  My uncle was in the hospital with pneumonia and nearly died.  She very grudgingly and angrily called him to see how he was doing, only because her other brother kept calling and pestering her about it. When my grandmother, (her own mother!), had a stroke, my mom never bothered to tell me about it or go visit her mother.  I found out about the stroke because I called my grandmother to say Happy Thanksgiving and Nanny told me she was sad and upset that my mother never even called to see how she was doing, (this was several years ago).  My mom and I had a big fight over that, because I told her she needed to get her ass to NY and see her mother.  My mom's excuse for not going? "Well, I just don't feel well. I have a cold".  She's always whined her way out of family events or stressful situations by claiming she is "too sick" to do visit, participate, make a phone call, stay in contact, etc.  Older relatives have died and been buried and she never bothers to say anything about it until weeks after the fact.  "Oh by the way, your stepfather's dad died. We buried him 3 weeks ago".  Then she goes on to complain about how hard her life is because she has to help pack up her FILs belongings to sell.  I offered to help her find an estate sale company to do the work if it was all too much for her.  She quickly declined the offer, but kept on complaining about what a hardship FILs death was on her because now she had all this work to do.  There was ZERO words of sympathy for my stepfather who just lost his father. Only complaints about how much of a pain in the butt FIL had been in life and how much work she had due to his death.  As if his death was something he did deliberately to annoy her. 

My attempts at remaining in contact with my mother have gotten me nowhere.  I check up on them when hurricanes are heading their way; when I finally get a hold of mom, she's annoyed and bemused that I'm calling. Mostly annoyed.  I've periodically called, texted, sent emails, sent cards.  When she and my stepfather have had health issues, I have told them point blank "Please tell me what I can do to help you.  Please keep me informed, so I can find ways to best support you through this".  I am met with silence.  Not even "Thanks, but we're fine".  I get no response at all.  If she does respond to any of my attempts at contact, she sounds annoyed, like I am bothering her.  I dread calling her because she's so negative. She complains, she whines, she makes snotty little comments about my life.  She has not seen my son, her only grandchild, in 7 years.  She never asks to speak to him on the phone, never sends him a birthday card, never acknowledges he's alive other than to make a snide comment here and there that her dog is probably better behaved than my son.  

My mother is the kind of person that keeps score about gifts. She'll complain bitterly if you don't spend enough money on her.  My step-uncle once bought us tickets to see Cats in NYC.  It was our Christmas gift, and he took us out to lunch.  My mother complained the whole ride home that he probably got the tickets super cheap through the Navy Base Exchange, and somehow that wasn't fair in her mind, because she'd spent $100 on a gift for him and he probably only spent $80 on those tickets (this was many years ago), so he was getting off cheap, he's such a cheapskate because he does all his shopping at the base exchange, it's not fair, blah blah blah.  Lady, the appropriate response is "Thank you!  That was so generous of you!", and not to keep a running tab of expenses.   

So all of this is to demonstrate that my mother is a...highly difficult person. There is a lot more I could say, but I'm not going to unload 47 years of her nonsense here. She's just really difficult, very negative, and I honestly never really know where I stand with her. Does she like me? I have no idea, truly. Does she love me? Eh, it's hard to say. Maybe? I feel like people should know, one way or the other, whether or not their mother likes or loves them.  I really have no idea. My dad is a train wreck in a lot of ways, but I absolutely know that he loves me. My half-sisters? They love me.  Aunts and Uncles? They love me. My son and husband? Yep, they love me.  My MIL? Yeah, I think she loves me, in her own way.  My mother? Eh....I don't know how to answer that. 

The fact that I *dont* know is really hard to take.  After last Christmas, I decided I would stop reaching out to her.  I called her and stepfather on Christmas and they never called me back. The last time we spoke on the phone was Christmas 2016, so 3 years now.  I simply cannot be the only person carrying this relationship.  It wears me down mentally and emotionally.  I would LOVE to have a mother that I can call and chat with, someone who shows up in my life when I need them.  I don't have that person.  I have...this other person, this one that acts vaguely irritated I exist.  I didn't tell her when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, because she wouldn't have anything nice or comforting to say.  She'd probably just complain that she had a cold and didn't feel well, and oh it's so hard to be her.  I went through some really, really hard times 2 years ago and could have used the support of a mother.  I didn't bother calling her, because I knew she would not be there for me. 

Yet...every year for Christmas, I get a gift basket from Omaha Steaks from her and my stepfather. Just...WHY?! 

Why send it!? She doesn't want to talk to me, she seems annoyed that I exist, she's condescending to me.  She hardly knows my husband or son.  She doesn't send gifts to her brothers.  Her brothers got so fed up with her that one never even told her he moved, (the one that had been hospitalized for pneumonia). He'd been sending her gifts for her birthday and Christmas for years, and she never said thanks or reciprocated. She never acknowledged the gifts, but always cashed the checks they sent. 

I didn't send a gift to her last Christmas. My husband disagreed with me and said I should send one, because they always send the Omaha Steaks gift.  I don't want the steaks. I can't send them back, and I really just wish they'd stop sending them.  Like, why even bother? What is the point of it? Why send a gift to someone you don't want a relationship with? Or is this the extent of the relationship? We send an annual holiday gift but never speak? Because that's weird.  I didn't send her anything for Christmas this year.  Do I now have to go out and find a last minute gift for her? Because I really don't want to. That feels hard and mean, but I don't. My husband works hard for his paycheck and I don't want to spend money on people that don't like us. Or me.  Maybe they like him and not me. I have no idea. The gift basket never comes addressed to me.  It comes addressed to my husband with the sender listed as my stepfather. My name isn't anywhere on it. WHAT THE HECK? 

 

[Tiberia]

Let it go. Don't do anything, except maybe have your DH send a thank you card to stepfather (since their names are on the gift.) Realize that you don't have the mother you want. Grieve that lost/ nonexistent relationship. It's her, not you. She is doing this to you and to others. It's not yours to fix. She can't/won't be the mother you want. Release her and yourself. I'm sorry for your loss of a mother. I'm sure others will chime in with wisdom and advice. You are a decent person and you are expecting her to be decent back. She can't or won't. Let her go. Again, I'm sorry. 

[Pen]

I agree with Tiberia 

[Lecka]

I think, too, your step-father is sending you a gift.  I think it would be nice to reciprocate but consider it reciprocating to your step-father.  He might know how your mother is to you but feel bad to let Christmas go by with nothing.  He might also have a list where he gets a few people Omaha steaks.  I think it is considered a pretty safe gift by a lot of people.  
 

Really I would take it as a sign your step-father sees what is going on, doesn’t like it, but is powerless to do much about it.  
 

Just my opinion.  
 

 

[catz]

I agree with the step father theory.  He knows his wife is an ass and that is way of just doing SOMETHING.  It's probably good for his psyche.  I would let it go.  I would have no issue eating those steaks and not reciprocating.  It sounds like you've all gone above and beyond reaching out to her over the years with no reciprocation.  I see no point in over thinking or re-analyzing because a box of steaks shows up at your door.  

[Shoeless]

12 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Your mom is not sending you a gift.  Your step father is sending your DH a gift.  He's trying, because he knows his wife will not, and he feels bad, but is clumsy in his execution.  

 

My stepfather was a real ugly jerk to me in the early years of their marriage, but did "soften" in later years. By then, I felt like it it was too little, too late, (that's a whole other story). He does have a very awkward execution, though. He once sent me a photo of small gifts I'd given him over the years: crafts I did as a kid, a mug I gave him, etc. There was no letter, no note.  Just a picture of everything he'd saved and rounded up to photograph, then mail to me. 

I guess that is supposed to mean "I am thinking of you. See, you mattered to me!" But it's so awkward and weird. Then I feel mean for not wanting the responsibility of decoding these oddball messages. 

[Lecka]

I think too you could send a “here’s how we are doing — we’re doing good” card for your step-father’s benefit, don’t spend any money, and don’t include much in the way of personal details.  Like — if that seems okay — I think that would be nice.  I agree with pp — I think doing nothing is also an option and maybe the best option!  
 

Edit — just saw the reply — I think nothing is fine.  Up to you.  I think if you would feel more guilt in not replying or more bother/angst in going to any trouble whatsoever ———— aka whatever really is best for you — is a good way to decide.  

Edited December 21, 2019 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I do think — instead of trying to exert mental energy — I do think a semi-personal card is a totally fine response to anything he sends, and also no response is fine.

It doesn’t sound like you really have a relationship with him.

I really had a relationship with my step-mom that my dad sabotaged in a lot of ways by being how he is, but my step-mom really did make a lot of effort with me and went out of her way with me, and I have a lot of good memories.

That is where I am coming from.

Without anything like that — I lean towards nothing being fine.  But if you sent out Christmas cards I would say — sure, put him on the list.  I think that is maybe about the level you are with getting the Omaha steaks.  If he is getting that for several people it is probably weird to him to leave you guys off — it might be about like leaving you off of a Christmas card list when he does send out cards.  Like — if he is sending to less-close (in theory lol) people how can he leave off his step-daughter, and then there is only one of you so he isn’t buying for a lot of step-kids.  So like — he doesn’t want to be petty or cheap, but it also isn’t a huge gesture. 

[Lecka]

Overall — enjoy the steaks 🙂. I think they are a nice if generic gift.  He might not be paying retail if he is buying several as gifts, and it can be easy since they will ship to you.  I think it’s nice but not like — you have to assume he spent $50 and send him $50.

I would be happy to get Omaha steaks and I think to me — I assume some generational difference where to someone his age — it might seem like a good generic gift while to someone younger it might seem really random and unwanted.  

Edited December 22, 2019 by Lecka

[Lecka]

As an aside — I once dated a young man from Omaha who had worked in the call center for Omaha steaks!  
 

I think their holiday sales are a big deal.  

Edited December 22, 2019 by Lecka

[Guest]

I totally agree with Tiberia. You didn’t get the kind of mother we all want and deserve.  Go through the grief of it and put your energy into the relationships you can affect. I remember reading once in a book (I think it was by Stormie O’Martan but I don’t think it was her original thought) where, if you have a child, then you have a second opportunity at having a mother-child relationship if the one you were born to was not good. That really had a huge impact on how I raised my kids; it even had a role in my choosing to homeschool. I can’t do anything about the mother I got and how she is or isn’t. But I can decide the mother I am willing to be to my own kids. 

I would not send anything from you to your mother, but I do think a thank you note from your dh to the stepdad would be fine. 

[Shoeless]

Yes, my husband doesn't totally *get* it. His mom is often tricky to deal with, (she has some mental health issues), but she's not mean at her core.  She's unpredictable, but nice.  My mom is unpredictable, but often mean.  Some years, she's sent a $20 gift. Other years, she's sent nothing. Yet other years, she sends a $200 check (written by her) and then also stepfather sends the steaks.  Then the next year, we're back to nothing.  This year, we're back to steaks.  Since mother equates gifts with how people feel about her and how she feels about other people, this whole event is unnerving.  I walked out of my front door to get the mail, saw the delivery box on my step, and wanted to kick it across the lawn.  I wish the food bank was open this weekend.  I'd bring everything over there.  

I'm sure they are getting the Omaha gift on some kind of sale.  That's fine; I don't care about how much someone spends.  It just strikes me as funny, because when someone else gets them a gift on sale, mother is up in arms about it, and takes it as an insult.  When she gets someone a gift on sale? She is pleased as punch and talks about how smart she is with money. 

[matrips]

49 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

My stepfather was a real ugly jerk to me in the early years of their marriage, but did "soften" in later years. By then, I felt like it it was too little, too late, (that's a whole other story). He does have a very awkward execution, though. He once sent me a photo of small gifts I'd given him over the years: crafts I did as a kid, a mug I gave him, etc. There was no letter, no note.  Just a picture of everything he'd saved and rounded up to photograph, then mail to me. 

I wonder if your mom somehow poisoned him against you when they were first married, and then he saw that she was the problem, not you.  And has tried making up for it in little ways. I’d probably reach out to him, even via dh, to send a thank you and/or Christmas card.

[Lecka]

I would not send a response if you don’t even like getting the package.  I think it would be torturing yourself.  It is not worth it.  I’m sorry the relationship is at this point.  But it is her doing and not your doing.  

[Shoeless]

28 minutes ago, matrips said:

I wonder if your mom somehow poisoned him against you when they were first married, and then he saw that she was the problem, not you.  And has tried making up for it in little ways. I’d probably reach out to him, even via dh, to send a thank you and/or Christmas card.

 

Hmm, interesting. I'm not sure.  He was very young when they got married. He and my mother had an affair.  She took me and left my father for stepfather. Stepfather was only 20 when he met my mother.  I was 2. It would not surprise me if she spun him a tale of woe about how her life was hard and terrible because of me and my dad. Being 20 and inexperienced, he probably felt like he was rescuing her from everyone who mistreated her. My dad said she'd told him a similar tale when he met her: everyone was mean, she was a sad victim, won't someone please save her, etc. Mother was nicer to me when I was little, but stepfather was mean. As I grew up, the roles switched. He was nicer, but she got meaner. There were a lot of times growing up that I thought my mother was very nasty to him, and he once admitted he considered leaving her.  He and mother never had children together. I wonder if he regrets that choice now that he is older.

I don't want to paint him as a really sympathetic character. When mother and I argued over the years, he was quick to defend her and call me vile names or threaten to throw me out of the house.  He used to tell me I was only living in his house as a kindness to my mother, and that he didn't owe me anything.  Then he'd turn around and buy me some expensive gizmo from the store.  He's a jerk for a lot of other very serious reasons I won't go in to.  

I put the steaks in the deep freezer.  I will ignore them until after New Years and then decide if I want to respond.  Maybe I'll donate everything to the food bank and send a "thank you" card saying a donation has been made in their name, lol! 

Thank you, everyone. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would say, send a thank you note, and then later in the year send a consumable gift of some kind, if you don’t have time to shop right now (and who does?). I would also say, personally I send handwritten notes with major news to the part of my FOO that is like this.  It is a concrete thing I can do, it doesn’t demand a response (and I carefully avoid wording that would do so), and it makes me feel like I did my duty without having to risk anything much.  I can send them without any expectations or hopes, and so I don’t feel bad if there is no response which is usually the case.  

[matrips]

Ah, I was thinking you were older when your stepfather came on the scene.  Yeah, what I was thinking doesn’t really apply here.

[MaBelle]

Thank the step dad,  send him a gift, grill the steaks and drink some tequila.    If you're still stressed drink some more.  Life's too short to worry about butts.

[Teaching3bears]

Do what you want with the steaks and if you send a gift to anyone in response to this situation send a toy to a children's charity in honor of your inner child who deserved kinder parenting many years ago.  Then, let it go and focus on the people in your life who love you.