How would you feel if your child changed their name?

[Laura Corin]

One of our children is contemplating changing name.  I've been thinking about it and it doesn't bother me.  We gave the name; once given it's for the recipient to use or not, like any other gift.

How about you?

[Pawz4me]

As someone who has always disliked her own name, I would be fine with one of my kids wanting to change theirs.

[Lanny]

I changed my First Name in a Court, with an Attorney who prepared the paperwork for me and a Judge who issued a Court Order. Lanny was my Nickname. Now it is my legal first name.  I am very happy that I did that.

[mom@shiloh]

It wouldn't bother me if it was important to them. I would caution them to not make a legal change until they've tried it out for a while though. Several of my nephews and nieces decided in their teen's/early 20's to either change their name or to begin using their middle name. All of them changed back to their first name about a decade later. 

[MEmama]

I changed mine, although not legally.

Because all my official papers and documents use my legal name, I can never remember what name I use where. It’s a constant annoyance. So I suggest going on all in if he’s going that route. 

[Lawana]

Dd has used a different name for the past 5 years or so. The only reason she hasn’t made the change legal is because she can’t afford the $ fees. It doesn’t bother me at all. 

[Guest]

I think I would struggle to accept it. Naming is very important to me and I put what was probably an outsized amount of care into choosing my children’s names. I feel like my kids so embody their names it’s almost unimaginable to me for them to use a different name. 

[klmama]

I've known several people who changed their names, and all ended up annoyed at others who had difficulty changing what they called them.  Both the name change itself and the annoyance affected others' perception of the person who changed names.  None if that is to say he shouldn't change, but just that he should be aware that it may not go as smoothly as he hopes.  

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, klmama said:

I've known several people who changed their names, and all ended up annoyed at others who had difficulty changing what they called them.  Both the name change itself and the annoyance affected others' perception of the person who changed names.  None if that is to say he shouldn't change, but just that he should be aware that it may not go as smoothly as he hopes.  

That’s true. I had difficulty even when people wanted to lose their childish nickname and use their formal names; ie., wanting to be called James instead of Jimmy or Rebecca in place of Becky. It’s difficult to start calling someone James when you have known them as Jimmy for years and years. 

[wintermom]

First and/or last name?  

I'm not a fan of my first name, though I've been too lazy to bother changing it.  If your ds is that determined, I'd keep an open mind and simply listen to his reasoning.  A name is just a name. In North America there are thousands of immigrants who's names changed - often by no choice of their own.  And most Asians have their Mandarin name as well as an English name.

There are also millions of people who either change or don't change their name for professional reasons (e.g., academics, performers, authors). I have no problem with it. It's not a permanent sign or part of a person's body. If an outside person changes someone else's name, that is one thing (a negative thing, I believe), but if the person themself chooses to do it then it is completely within their right.

Edited December 20, 2019 by wintermom

[marbel]

58 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think I would struggle to accept it. Naming is very important to me and I put what was probably an outsized amount of care into choosing my children’s names. I feel like my kids so embody their names it’s almost unimaginable to me for them to use a different name. 

I feel this way too.  Both my kids were given names of beloved family members - my daughter is named after my mom, my son after my husband's grandfather - so it might sting a bit if they decided they didn't want those names anymore. But, ultimately, I would accept it if they decided to do it, of course.

I've also experienced a few people I'd known all my life who changed and expected instant compliance with others. Yeah, sorry, I've been calling you by your name for 30 years, it's not going to be an instant adjustment for me. 

[Another Lynn]

Is he changing it legally?  Obviously, it's totally up to him, but it might be nice to keep the name you gave him as a middle name.  Just a thought....  

[Scarlett]

We have a huge amount of foster to adopt kids in our congregation. I really struggle when they change their names.  Especially when it is a sibling group and there are 3 changed at once.  I am closer to one little girl than the others  and I worked really hard to always call her by her new name.....and she was old enough to constantly remind me if I forgot.  So 18 months after her adoption I never even think of her old name.  So it can be done.  

To me  the reason would matter.  If my son wanted to change his name it would crush me.  

[Wheres Toto]

All my kids have chosen nicknames to be called by.  Ds's has nothing to do with his real name and is kind of oddball, but we've been calling him it for about 5 years now.   Legally changing wouldn't bother me, but it would probably bother dh quite a bit since ds is a junior.  

Oldest dd started using a shortened version of her name and her dad got upset.  I never understood why, it's an accepted nickname for her real name.   She still uses that shortened version.

[barnwife]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I think I would struggle to accept it. Naming is very important to me and I put what was probably an outsized amount of care into choosing my children’s names. I feel like my kids so embody their names it’s almost unimaginable to me for them to use a different name. 

 I think I am in this camp. But that's partly because we chose family names/names with meaning to us. If their names were just things we had liked, I don't think it would bother me as much.

[Andromeda]

My response is based on my own experience, so take it for what it is. 🙂

I despised my given first name from an early age. It never fit me. I asked my friends to call me a different name, which changed to different ones as I got older. I later found out that I was supposed to be named after a paternal great-grandmother, a name which I wasn't even aware of but loved the moment I heard it. That name would have fit me much better, but my mother balked at the last minute and named me one of the top names of that time, which was very generic and not me at all.

I changed my name legally after I became an adult. It wasn't the great-grandmother's name, but it is much better nonetheless. I am much happier with it. It's difficult to explain, but while the parents may have indeed given great care in naming their child, that name may not be the right one for the child - from their own perspective. Since the child will have to live with that name, I think (from my own biased experience) that they should have the support of the family if they choose to change it.

Changing the name does make it more challenging when obtaining documentation such as school transcripts, driver's licenses, etc. Remind the child to keep anything with their old name, even if it is not 100% official. They may one day need these document to prove they are who they are. Various entities are used to people changing last name such as in marriage, but proving first name change is far more difficult. Documents with photos help.

[Meriwether]

I wouldn't particularly like it. Two of my kids have always mostly gone by a nickname or a middle name (both kids named after great-grandparents). Both like their full first names well enough that I may have to get used to calling them by those names eventually. Even that will be a little difficult and those are names we gave them. 😀 That being said, I would try to accept it with good grace and make the adjustment as smooth as possible. I think it falls under the "adults get to make their own decisions" category.

[73349]

I've told him it wasn't meant to be a life sentence. :) The obvious choice would be to go by his middle name, but I would try to adjust quickly if he picked something else. My choices were somewhat constrained by the last name, which would not work with my first-choice first name for a boy.

My first name really, really doesn't suit me (and the nickname my parents use, even less so). I wish I'd thought to start going by my middle name when I moved at the end of second grade, but I didn't know anyone who did that. So I feel like I'm stuck with it.

[mumto2]

Better now than later after a career has started.  My son’s name has somehow became a common girl’s name in one of his country’s so I have sort of wondered if we might face this. He certainly knows it’s an option!  I love the name so would find it hard. 

Laura, I think name changes are more common in the U.K.  in part because they are cheaper.  One acquaintance is on her third name since I have known her.  I have met others over the years too......culturally the connotations might be bigger to Americans.  People don’t seem to notice there as much.....it might just be these are all new people in my life too.

When my US college/post college roommate married a man whose ex wife had the same first name,  she started using her middle name which is sort of unique but unfortunately is the first name of another dear friend from my childhood.   The whole thing called huge confusion in my life because it became impossible for my family to differentiate the friends.  I would say I am doing blank with x,  response would be which x.  Then no matter which X I said the conversation went to original name and why she had to change it....20 years later it still comes up every time.  I gave up using the new name years ago to avoid those conversations but have to when I call her.   I will admit I kind of resent the husband for this decision ( it was his btw so I am giving it all to him) but ......it caused friend some odd professional confusion and friend has/had a major career before the name issue.  So it’s a pain as an established adult.  Btw, I think it’s really hard on her but it was never her choice.  No idea what she did legally.

Another US good friend named her Dd a name more commonly given to boys with a feminine middle name that has a ton of cute nicknames.  Well her brother couldn’t say the first name and they started calling her one of those cute nicknames........at age 7 they flipped the names in court.  It was pretty expensive but they wanted it done while she was little......at that point she didn’t even have school records.  My kids still joke when she comes into conversation that she is x who used to be y,  but we didn’t call her that.  As a side note she appears to be using her now middle name professionally but I haven’t asked if she paid to switch them again.

[Selkie]

This would not be a big deal to me. I love my kids' names, and I'm sure it would feel odd at first to call them by a new name. However, I would much rather have them happy with a name that truly suits them, rather than being stuck with one they dislike.

[DesertBlossom]

Each of our kids has a family name that we put a lot of love and thought into so it would be hard for me, but I suppose I could get over it. One of my boys has a name that is sometimes used for girls. Not as often as I hear it for boys though. But it really bothers him when he hears it used for a girl. If any of my kids change their names, it would probably be him.

[SKL]

I have told my daughters that they can change theirs when they turn 18 if they want to.  (One of mine has said at times she wants to revert to her birth name.)

I put a lot of thought into the names and I like them, but the person who has to live with the name should have the ultimate say - once they are mature enough to understand all the implications.

I am assuming the name is being changed to something not ridiculous.  I mean if my kid wanted to change hers to Shithead or Momsucks or Antarctica, I would try to talk her out of it.  😛

[Pen]

Generally it would be fine.

I can imagine some specific names that might distress me. 

[Farrar]

Totally okay with it.

One of my boys likes his name. The other says he's indifferent.

I think I'd feel funny about them changing their surname. It's a rare one and there are very few people with it, here or in the country of origin. Dh's grandfather had expressed that he was proud to pass it on. So. But even then, honestly I'd get over it pretty fast.

Like Pen said, I can imagine some names that would not be okay with me - either because of a political connotation or because of a personal connection with the name that I have that the kids might not know or have. But that seems like a rare thing.

My mother has gone by her nickname her whole life. She did finally legally change it a couple decades or so ago to be her middle name so that it would be somewhere in her name since it caused a number of annoying banking and other snafus over the years.

[plansrme]

I would be sad!  I love my kids' names, and they suit them.  My oldest goes by (and has, since Day One) a diminutive of her full first name, and I would be okay if she changed her legal name to the shortened version (think "Izzy" for "Isabelle," for instance) because we named her "Isabelle" just so that we could call her "Izzy" (we should have just named her Izzy). Otherwise, I would not be a fan.

[itsheresomewhere]

I would understand and support it as long as we are talking about changing the name to a symbol or something like that.  I hate my name so I completely understand wanting to change it. 

[TravelingChris]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

That’s true. I had difficulty even when people wanted to lose their childish nickname and use their formal names; ie., wanting to be called James instead of Jimmy or Rebecca in place of Becky. It’s difficult to start calling someone James when you have known them as Jimmy for years and years. 

Yes, I have that same problem too with my kids.  My son wants his first name used instead of the shortening and sometimes I remember and sometimes I do not.  I haven't had the girls have issues but I call them lots of things like adding an ie to the normal name that doesn't usually have ie.  Or shortening the name of the other.

I changed my name at around age 15 because I had the same name as my mother and the bank was putting large sums of money that my mom was gifted in my account, then quickly switched over to her account.  I changed the spelling of the first name, which I had never used since a mashed up shortening of my first name and a common nickname of my first middle name was the name I was called from birth and used in schools, etc.  I was moving to a new area and a high school and decided to use a name I liked as my middle name.  I then went by a first initial and my middle name.  I had that name from the time I was 15 until early 50's when I had to change my name again to what is now my first name which is my original first initial and the name I chose as my middle name.  I had thought my state had made my first name be a letter and my normally used name be my middle.  But I found out last year that they made it be as a n example first name= X YYYYY. 

My brother changed his last name and that really bugged me.  It is one reason I kept my last name and didn't take my dhs. My uncle's family on my father\s side had to change their last name because of communist persecution-  due to my father's anti communist writing or maybe because my father worked for the US government at Voice of America.  I am not sure when they changed it but just knew that my last name in my family line was about to disappear  (and my dh\s actually did but his name was changed at Ellis Island and my family came over later with no name change).

 

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, mumto2 said:

Better now than later after a career has started.  My son’s name has somehow became a common girl’s name in one of his country’s so I have sort of wondered if we might face this. He certainly knows it’s an option!  I love the name so would find it hard. 

Laura, I think name changes are more common in the U.K.  in part because they are cheaper.  One acquaintance is on her third name since I have known her.  I have met others over the years too......culturally the connotations might be bigger to Americans.  People don’t seem to notice there as much.....it might just be these are all new people in my life too.

When my US college/post college roommate married a man whose ex wife had the same first name,  she started using her middle name which is sort of unique but unfortunately is the first name of another dear friend from my childhood.   The whole thing called huge confusion in my life because it became impossible for my family to differentiate the friends.  I would say I am doing blank with x,  response would be which x.  Then no matter which X I said the conversation went to original name and why she had to change it....20 years later it still comes up every time.  I gave up using the new name years ago to avoid those conversations but have to when I call her.   I will admit I kind of resent the husband for this decision ( it was his btw so I am giving it all to him) but ......it caused friend some odd professional confusion and friend has/had a major career before the name issue.  So it’s a pain as an established adult.  Btw, I think it’s really hard on her but it was never her choice.  No idea what she did legally.

Another US good friend named her Dd a name more commonly given to boys with a feminine middle name that has a ton of cute nicknames.  Well her brother couldn’t say the first name and they started calling her one of those cute nicknames........at age 7 they flipped the names in court.  It was pretty expensive but they wanted it done while she was little......at that point she didn’t even have school records.  My kids still joke when she comes into conversation that she is x who used to be y,  but we didn’t call her that.  As a side note she appears to be using her now middle name professionally but I haven’t asked if she paid to switch them again.

My name changes in the US were super cheap.  In the first one, we used a lawyer and it was about 90 but that was in the late 70s.  In the last one, I did it myself and it was about 30 and just filled out a form at the probate court office.

[Spryte]

If be ok with it, though I might feel a pang.

We have one who’s gone from using his middle name to his first, and we’ve actually encouraged him to make a legal change, as he’s not happy with the spelling of it.

 

[Mbelle]

I would find it a bit hard for my own kids.  

One of my best friends did change her name around age 11.  Her parents were from a scandinavian country and she had a common name from that area but almost unknown for English speakers and it had a letter not in the English alphabet.  She just used her middle name from that point onwards.  I think her parents were a bit sad, but they totally understood why.

[mathnerd]

I would not even give it a second thought if it happened because when the kid is old enough to decide, they are free to adopt whatever name sounds right to them. I was named after a trend and I ended up in a closed-minded environment with a name that did not fit in my culture- sort of “weird” name that everyone asked me to repeat all the time and spell it do that they could get it right. I wish I had changed it when I moved out on my own. It is one of my regrets in life.

[mumto2]

59 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

My name changes in the US were super cheap.  In the first one, we used a lawyer and it was about 90 but that was in the late 70s.  In the last one, I did it myself and it was about 30 and just filled out a form at the probate court office.

The one I knew the details of was quite a bit more than that because the cost was a huge part of the decision. Several hundred I believe.......  I knew the cost at the time and thought it was pricey considering she was changing it to a name she already had.....middle to first, first to middle.  The child’s birth certificate was altered maybe that was why?  I know they missed an age cut off.... 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Both of my adult children have changed their names, for different reasons, and to different degrees. Both changes bring a feeling of uneasiness, like the ground is a bit shaky beneath my feet. I experience a hesitation when I speak because I need to check my words. I find myself hesitating even when I speak about my youngest dc, who is happy with her name, as I assure myself that, "Yes, that is still her name."

We named Ds after his great-grandfather, who happened to have the same name as Dh's real life hero (the man who was first to fly over the Atlantic Ocean).  I always thought that name too formal, so we have always called ds by one of the many shortened versions. When ds went to college, with all new teachers and friends, he found it easier to just go by his formal, given name.  When he finished college, and started his professional life, he kept the formal, given name to give a more professional first impression. His closest friends and his family still call him the shortened version. He's fine with either. I seldom find myself in a situation where I would need to use the formal name, but it still sounds weird to hear others (his roommate, for instance), call him by his formal name.

Our other child's name change, however, has been more challenging. Dd was named after the wife of the aviator referenced above. I just loved the name, and still do. Dd, however, found it much too feminine. Dd came out as gender neutral about 1 1/2 years ago, and has changed to a gender-neutral name that is not in the least related to their given name. It's not a name commonly used in the U.S. Dc hasn't made a legal change, but they always introduce themselves using the "gender neutral" name. At least, Dc considers it neutral. I don't have much of a problem with the desire to go by a different name. I just don't really like the name they chose. To me, it doesn't sound gender neutral; it ends with an "o", and brings to my mind a fat, hairy, old Greek man. (Nothing against Greek men, of any body shape, hairiness, or age -- it's just that my dc isn't any of those things).  It has been challenging to call my child that name. I wish they had chosen a different gender-neutral name instead, something like Madison or Elliot, one that doesn't sound so masculine to my Western mind. (I have learned that it is not uncommon in Asian countries for girl names to end in "o"). So, yes, this name change has been challenging for us.

But, the new name is growing on me. It's been long enough that the pretty name we gave our baby daughter doesn't sound right anymore. It doesn't fit our adult child, and it feels like a betrayal to use it. I've done a bit of research on their chosen name, and found a few other people (of both genders) with the same name who aren't fat, hairy, or old, or even male! Dc is more confident and strong, and appreciates it when I introduce them using their new name. I still revert the old name when I'm talking about the past, or when talking privately to Dh, but he is even starting to try on the new name.   It's a transition process. It's hard because 20+ year habits don't die easily, especially when we really liked those habits, and they seem good to us. But, my dc's mental health is way more important than any temporary discomfort I have in occasional conversations (it really doesn't come up all that much any more).

 

Gender-neutral pronouns, on the other hand...

[Katy]

Our kids have formal names with dozens of given nicknames.  Like Elizabeth or William.  Classic enough for a resume, easy enough to change nicknames if they wish.  Mostly because I changed mine as a child, and DH had a different nickname with every group of friends he had.  I learned one of them only in the last year.

If they wanted to change it legally I think I would be supportive.  Maybe concerned it was a sign something deeper were wrong, but I basically don't care.

[Tanaqui]

It's their name, their life, their choice. Even if I don't like the new name, I hope I'd have the manners to keep it to myself.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

17 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

It's their name, their life, their choice. Even if I don't like the new name, I hope I'd have the manners to keep it to myself.

 

I have no idea whether you were directing this to me because I stated that I didn't (at first) like my dc's name choice, but I thought I'd reply anyway, because I believe there's more to it than manners. There is a long history, and a relationship (which at times is fragile, but is always precious). Yes, my dc and I have had many conversations about the name change, and why they like their chosen name, and why I felt a bit cringy at first with the particular name they chose. We laughed at my mental image of what a person with that name would look like, and we sat together to google the name, just see what popped up. (There was a French bombshell model/actress in the 70s with the same name!  Who knew? I wouldn't have known if I hadn't looked it up). I have a dear Japanese friend with a rhyming name (spelled the same, except for the first letter). Dc didn't know that the name was a short version of a popular Greek male name. We both learned, and we both understand each other better, but only because I DIDN"T keep my thoughts to myself. 

So yeah, manners matter, but communication and relationships matter more.  This isn't a stranger that I'll meet once, shake hands, and never see again.  In that scenario, yeah, I'd keep my opinion to myself. But this is my child, my baby who has grown into a fine adult, just launching their own life. I'm going to walk this path with them while I listen to them, and let them know where I'm coming from. That's human connection. It goes way beyond manners. 

[Terabith]

My oldest wants to go by a different name, but doesn't want to change it with everyone.  This is hard for me, to refer to me by her old name to/ in front of other people but remember to use the new name at home.  

And I'm irrationally sad (really, really sad) about her not wanting the name I picked out.  Last name....whatever.  I know girls often take their husband's name when they marry, but the sweetest tradition a friend made and his kids have followed is for the new couple to choose a new last name and both change to that.  But the first name, the one that ties her to all the extended family and that I'd planned before she was born....  It's stupid but I'm really sad about it.

[maize]

I don't know how I would feel but practically speaking I find it incredibly difficult to change the name that is permanently attached to a person in my mind, even something as simple as using a given name rather than a long term nickname, or in the case off one family member using a newly preferred nickname instead of the given name.

Mental name associations are pretty permanent in my experience.

[Joker]

Both of mine have changed their first names. One has done so legally and youngest will do so next year. It was easier than I thought it would be. The first few months were tough to always remember but now I always think of them with the new names.

Oldest changed his because he's transgender but he kept his very feminine middle name because it's a family name. I didn't ask him to do so but he wanted to. Youngest just really doesn't like their name and, honestly, the name they picked suits them better.

[Arcadia]

My parents wanted me to pick my own English name, my mom’s first choice would have been Prudence. My English name is in the alias so even if I misplace my deed poll (https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll), my legal documents (birth certificate, marriage certificate, USCIS) and education transcripts would still be easily verified. 

[hippiemamato3]

I dreamt my son's (biblical) name when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I knew then he was a boy, and that I would give him that name. If he wanted to change it, I would feel sad because I felt I was meant to call him that. I'd get over it though. 

 

[Loowit]

My DD wants to change the spelling of her name, and I am fine with that.  I think if she wanted to completely change it, it would make me sad.  For a while she talked about maybe going by her middle name in college, but never did.

DH and I spent a lot of time picking names for our kids, and it would be (if I am being honest) a bit hurtful.  But in the end, they are the ones that have to live with the name they are called so I would try to get over my feelings on the subject and respect their wishes.

[rebcoola]

I would be fine with it.  Honestly if I had known anyone who had done it when i was younger I probably would have changed mine.  It's a very popular standard name three in every class name.  I am so not that person even my parents said if they knew my personality they wouldn't have chosen it.  DH loves my name though so I've come to like it.  

[Quercus]

I would be disappointed in my child. 

 

[Tanaqui]

6 hours ago, Suzanne in ABQ said:

 

I have no idea whether you were directing this to me because I stated that I didn't (at first) like my dc's name choice, but I thought I'd reply anyway, because I believe there's more to it than manners.

 

This won't quite make me look good, but in order to have replied to you I would've had to actually read previous comments here instead of jumping to the bottom and diving in. So....

[Tap]

I am not only ok with it,  I paid for dd21's name change. LOL

 

She started going by her middle name in middle-school. I paid for her middle name to be moved to her first name this past year. 

Edited December 21, 2019 by Tap

[Chris in VA]

It would depend on the reason. I feel a name change may be pending. It feels like a rejection of our choice, but also a rejection of how they were created. 

I won't say that to my child, though. It feels like I'm being fake and thdt is hard for me, but it wouldn't be kind. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would be sad because I love my kids' names.  But I would try very hard to remember it is not something for me to take personally.  (Assuming the name change was NOT somehow meant as an insult to the parent)

[Annie G]

I would be fine w a first name change.  As a kid I hated my name...though I probably would have chosen an even worse one because I was an impulsive kid. 
A friend’s son changed his last name when he became an adult- he was planning to become a doctor and he didn’t like their polish sounding last name so he legally changed it. I found that pretty bizarre, and his parents were so hurt. Nobody to carry on their last name now.  He didn’t change it to his mother’s maiden name or anything- just picked an entirely new last name, 

[Lady Florida.]

On 12/20/2019 at 7:14 AM, klmama said:

I've known several people who changed their names, and all ended up annoyed at others who had difficulty changing what they called them.  Both the name change itself and the annoyance affected others' perception of the person who changed names.  

I know a few people (now-grown children of friends, kids we knew in out homeschool group) who changed their names and none get annoyed as long as they see that the person is trying. They recognize that it's difficult. They only get annoyed at the people who refuse to try. The "I've known you as Johnny since you were knee high and you'll always be Johnny to me" types.

On 12/20/2019 at 8:11 AM, marbel said:

I feel this way too.  Both my kids were given names of beloved family members - my daughter is named after my mom, my son after my husband's grandfather - so it might sting a bit if they decided they didn't want those names anymore. But, ultimately, I would accept it if they decided to do it, of course.

 

My son is named after my father, the grandfather he never met, so it would hurt a bit. But it's also not the common name it was in my dad's day so we gave him a common middle name in case he ever wanted to shed the uncommon one (it's not unusual, just an "old man's" name). He still goes by his first name, my dad's name. Because I always said he could use his middle name if he wanted to, I also wouldn't be bothered if he changed it completely. It would definitely take getting used to, but it wouldn't upset me.

ETA: His middle name doesn't mean anything to us. We just chose one that's common enough (Michael), has a nickname if he chose it, and sounded good with his first name.

Edited December 21, 2019 by Lady Florida.