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Medicmom2.0

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Oh my word. I’m so sorry. Don’t have any words, just know that I’m thinking of you and pray for you to have peace and wisdom. 

Take some deep breaths and consider your next steps wisely. 

 

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Mama, I am so sorry.  I don't know what I would do in your specific situation because I dunno that I could do that work thing without saying something.

Edited by happysmileylady
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My boss is a lovely woman who unfortunately would completely understand this situation—she’d switch my schedule tonight in a heartbeat but I don’t want to give my husband any indication that something is wrong.

just to make an unreal situation even more unreal, I’m in the very station with the very bedrooms the deeds have been happening in.  This is the isolated station that only has one crew in it.  And we have to take an out of town trip so I’m stuck in an ambulance for five hours with him. Can’t even hide out alone.  I literally can’t decide whether to cry or laugh at the absurdness. I’m sure it’s just shock.

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Take some deep breaths and take a few days.  Then it’s evidence gathering time, as you decide how you want to proceed.  There is no hurry, you can be as upset or process as long as you need.

I’m so sorry, that’s every wife’s nightmare 😞

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1 minute ago, Arctic Mama said:

Take some deep breaths and take a few days.  Then it’s evidence gathering time, as you decide how you want to proceed.  There is no hurry, you can be as upset or process as long as you need.

I’m so sorry, that’s every wife’s nightmare 😞


I took pictures already.  After today we don’t see each other till Thursday due to work schedules, and I can think. And pray.

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Oh I’m so glad you have a natural break coming up.  Because yeah, doing anything while still somewhat in shock is tough and probably not the best choice, especially if you decide that staying together and working on it with him is not the best route for you and the kids.  But if you do decide to try that first (even if the inclination is to rip his flipping face off) it’s STILL okay to take some time and just sit with it and decide how you want to respond, or let the red haze of murdery betrayal subside a smidge.
 

None of us do our best in the moment, but I’m praying for strength for you tonight as you’re stuck. 

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2 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Oh I’m so glad you have a natural break coming up.  Because yeah, doing anything while still somewhat in shock is tough and probably not the best choice, especially if you decide that staying together and working on it with him is not the best route for you and the kids.  But if you do decide to try that first (even if the inclination is to rip his flipping face off) it’s STILL okay to take some time and just sit with it and decide how you want to respond, or let the red haze of murdery betrayal subside a smidge.
 

None of us do our best in the moment, but I’m praying for strength for you tonight as you’re stuck. 


Frankly, I don’t even want to tip him off at all until after Christmas.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I can at least give the kids the gift of one last special Christmas.

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I am so, so sorry.

You have so much to cope with without this on top of everything.

I doubt I could make it through the shift without confronting him, I hope you somehow get through the next twenty-four hours; that's such a huge shock.

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There are some good resources out there.  I delete this, but pm me if you want this or other links later.

I’m so so sorry! 
 

 

Edited by WendyLady
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Crap.  I’m just so, so sorry.  And to be stuck working together - damn.  
 There are steps to be taken in a situation like this and absolutely do not confront until you have all of your ducks in a row.  Like, Not after until you have figured out money plans and seen a lawyer.   Don’t even tell your family members or mutual friends just in case - call a therapist or even one of us if you want to vent or cry, I guarantee there are lots of us who would listen.  

 

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20 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Totally fair, do you think you can handle it until then? Is there someone IRL you can vent to or bounce off of while you wait?


I told my best friend. She’s a good support. Other than that I am not going to tell anyone IRL for a while.

I am going to make it through Christmas without giving any indication. I don’t want ruin Christmas for kids, who are 9, 7 and 4 and at prime Christmas age.  My grandmother discovered my grandfather’s affair on December 23 when I was little and kicked him out immediately—it tainted Christmas for several years.  I won’t do that. I am a decent actress and will just put on a good show.

I am screaming inside.  Fortunately, I do have some things going for me if we can’t work this out.  I have a good job and benefits. My family and his would be huge supports.  I have enough money in my 401K to take out a loan and start new.  
 

I am going to give myself till after christmas to think.

And we just had to run down to the main station and she was there.  I wasn’t expecting that because she usually doesn’t work tonight.  If I didn’t have kids I probably would have confronted both of them right there in front of eight coworkers, including her fiancé. 
But I have to think of my kids.I literally could not make a movie of this because no one would believe it.

Edited by Medicmom2.0
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I am so sorry.  What a tool.

My advice is, prepare as if you might leave/get left.  You have been here a long time, and you have seen how this sometimes plays out.  Getting ready does not mean you have to act.  It means that you are in a stronger position if you do end up acting.

That means getting copies in an offsite location of your financial records—taxes returns, investment statements, insurance, real estate, etc.  Also, find out what your rights are in the state you live in.  

I am very sorry about this, but you have some time to figure this out, and that is a blessing in a way.  Horrible though.  We are here for you.

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Of course you’re screaming inside - if that is ALL you’re doing you’re a saint, to be honest. I hope Christmas with the kids is amazing and he doesn’t make anything harder in the intervening days.  It’s wonderful your friend is able to support you on the downlow, too, so you don’t feel quite as alone.  We are here as well but the hugs are all long distance 😞

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I am so sorry.  I can't imagine what you are going through and think you are so strong to keep going for your kids.  

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When I read your opening post in the this thread, MedicMom2.0. I felt really bad about sending a card addressed to the both of you and the kids.  But then further on I read about how you will not ruin the kids' Christmas by a confrontation before it (and I think you are being super strong and really a wonderful mother to do that) so in light of that decision- I am okay with it now.  But, in spirit, that card is meant for you and the three kids- not him.

I think he is such a jerk to do this considering all your family has been going through.  Very sorry about the utter betrayal of your husband. 

I do agree with others that not confronting right away gives you more time to prepare and more time to consider what you want to do.  I will be praying for you and the kids.

 

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It’s okay to be devastated and not handle everything smart or right. It’s great if you can power through that and do all the smart and right things to protect yourself, but don’t beat yourself up either way. 

Walking and talking with a broken to bits heart and marriage bond is kind of like miraculously managing that after someone has taken a bat to both your kneecaps.  Admirable and stunning but f-ing hard and rather unreasonable to expect. 

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I am so sorry.  My heart aches for you, and my stomach is in knots for you.  Praying for you as you endure this shift.  Praying for you and your kids as you ponder your next steps.  If I lived near you, I'd be there in a heartbeat ... to give you a hug ... and to beat the ever livin' crap out of him.  How dare he!?!?!

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So, so sorry.   I agree with gathering information, resources, etc.  Find out banking information and make sure your finances are secure.  Gather your evidence.

I pray that there is hope for your relationship.  It would be a lot of work and take a lot of time to rebuild trust (and lots of accountability with a strong male friend/therapist for him).  If you are a Christian, I urge you to get some good Biblical counseling.....not just the 'forgive and forget" type thing but one that focuses on accountability, etc.

I had to "fake it" for quite a while during the time between when I learned about my dh and his arrest.  It was surreal.  I did it for the kids and to help preserve the investigation/court stuff.  Not easy.

Sadly, I wrote an article here that might be helpful.

Here is a good blog that you might find helpful....maybe now, maybe in the future, maybe never.

 

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35 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I am so sorry.  What a tool.

My advice is, prepare as if you might leave/get left.  You have been here a long time, and you have seen how this sometimes plays out.  Getting ready does not mean you have to act.  It means that you are in a stronger position if you do end up acting.

That means getting copies in an offsite location of your financial records—taxes returns, investment statements, insurance, real estate, etc.  Also, find out what your rights are in the state you live in.  

I am very sorry about this, but you have some time to figure this out, and that is a blessing in a way.  Horrible though.  We are here for you.

THIS.  You might not need it.....but if you do and aren't prepared it could be a nightmare.

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1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

Take some deep breaths and take a few days.  Then it’s evidence gathering time, as you decide how you want to proceed.  There is no hurry, you can be as upset or process as long as you need.

I’m so sorry, that’s every wife’s nightmare 😞

 

Medicmom I am so sorry. You’ve had a stretch of challenges, you don’t need this too. 😢

I hope you sent yourself screenshots (and then deleted evidence from his phone that you’d done so). Definitely time to start documenting and getting all the financial info you need. 

So sorry. 

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2 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

Medicmom I am so sorry. You’ve had a stretch of challenges, you don’t need this too. 😢

I hope you sent yourself screenshots (and then deleted evidence from his phone that you’d done so). Definitely time to start documenting and getting all the financial info you need. 

So sorry. 

Print and give to a friend to hold. That way your device or account can't go missing/get deleted.

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Gather all important info and evidence and give it to friend or put in a safety deposit box.

Create new email, user names and passwords to everything you ever want access to (including here). Get a new phone. Or a second one.

Pull a credit report for both yourself and for him. Lock down yours. Get your own bank account.  Don’t tell him about it.

Speak to a lawyer about what your worst case scenario would look like and how best to cope with it or avoid it.

Think carefully about what you need to feel safe staying married, if that’s possible. It will never be as simple as “knowing he won’t cheat”.

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I am so so sorry.  I well remember that brutal time between knowing and confronting. In my case it allowed me to gather crucial information, so I whole heartedly agree with your approach here.  

Just compartmentalize your mind...,,you can do it for a brief while.   

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I'm very sorry.  prayers that you can think straight and take the best course.

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I am so sorry. I agree with everyone else that you should do everything you can to protect your future, including medical testing if you think that might be necessary. Are you absolutely sure? Absolutely no possibility of a misunderstanding? If there was even a slight chance, I'd try to confirm without tipping my hand. Because it is heartbreaking that he would throw away a good marriage.

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Oh my dear goodness, friend. I wish I had a magic wand and could fix this. 

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