Quick, help me decide!

[DawnM]

ARGH!

My mother's side of the family has their annual Christmas party every year the second Saturday of the month in December.   I do enjoy going.  I didn't grow up here, so being closer (somewhat) to this side of the family is something I enjoy.

However, it is a 3 hour drive each way, and is pretty much a 10-12 hour day by the time I drive each way (6 hours) and then visit for 5 or so hours.

Our Sunday is entirely booked.  

I have not done any of the "outside" (non-internet) Christmas shopping yet.  I work through the 20th this year.

I am a bit exhausted even thinking about it.

Should I push through and go, or skip this year?

I have one aunt who isn't doing well and I worry she may not make it another year.  

The frustrating part for me is that they have it 3 hours away, even though most of the family now live about 1.5 hours from me, halfway between.  But, it is tradition to have it where my mom and her siblings grew up, so they have continued it.  Most of them have other relatives down there too (spouses' families, etc...) so it is fine for them (and only 1.5 hours vs. my 3). And yes, it has been suggested, but no one else seems as inconvenienced, so I doubt it will change.

Do I go?

[DawnM]

I have added a poll.

To head up some questions I anticipate:

1. I can't skip church this week due to obligations 

2.  I can't skip my Sunday plans after church either, that is another obligation I can't get out of 

3. I can't take any more days off of work right now, although I do only have one more week until Christmas break, and could potentially push through a hugely busy weekend

4. I have already said no to several parties and activities this year due to lack of time (not sure this point matters, but I am adding it in to say this isn't the only activity I am considering saying no to)

5.  My mother's health is really bad.  She is not going as she lives out West, but in some ways I feel I need to go to represent her, that might sound weird, but I am honestly not sure she will live until next year's party.  She looks forward to me calling with an account of the event.

Edited December 13, 2019 by DawnM

[Ottakee]

I would go given the health of aging family members.  Any chance you can "phone a friend" and ask them to drive you there (either in your car or you paying expenses).  That way you have company on the ride and you could hit online stores to order the gifts you still need.

 

[DawnM]

7 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I would go given the health of aging family members.  Any chance you can "phone a friend" and ask them to drive you there (either in your car or you paying expenses).  That way you have company on the ride and you could hit online stores to order the gifts you still need.

 

 

I have done as much online as I can.  The rest needs to be in stores.

No, I don't know anyone who can donate 12 hours on a Saturday before Christmas, to spend it with me and a bunch of strangers.  I might be able to talk my husband into it, but not sure that will help a whole lot.

And I can't online shop while driving.  I get carsick.

Edited December 13, 2019 by DawnM

[Storygirl]

I would be feeling stressed, too. I don't know if these ideas might help, but I will throw them out. Can you give your husband a list of some of the shopping and have him do it while you are gone (not always possible, I know)? Can you decide to be there for half of the party? Either arrive halfway through, or leave early? That way you can see people but have a slightly shorter day? Can you do a chunk of shopping tonight after school?

I know these things wouldn't solve the main issue of your Saturday being full, but they might take a little pressure off.

If you could think of enough little ways to make it a little better, I would go.

If you really can't go, is there someone there that you could FaceTime during part of the party, so that you could call in and touch base with some people?

I am exhausted at this time of year and find that many things that I want to be enjoyable are stressful instead. If you were to go, do you think you would be glad afterward that you did it?

 

[Chris in VA]

I would go up Friday evening so as to split the drive. 

Definitely go. I'm 5500 miles from my mom and dad and I would give almost anything to spend some time with them. Christmas stuff can be bought quickly if you aren't dithering about and know what you want; you will have time to shop. Give yourself and the people you love the gift of your presence. (See what I did there?😊)

[Clemsondana]

My dad's family always does their Christmas gathering (4 hours away) the same weekend as our church music program (I play Sun morning, Sun afternoon, and Monday night).  It's right as co-op finishes for the semester (so I have finals to grade) and of course the regular family life stuff keeps happening.  I always hit this weekend wanting to collapse into a puddle while yelling 'I can't conjure time out of thin air'.  But, I'm always glad that I went.  I know other people make different decisions, but, for me, next week I'll be glad that I went even if today I'm not thrilled about planning the drive down and fixing food for the potluck.  

[GailV]

Go.

I'm saying this as someone who has had several relatives die this October/early November -- see everyone while you can. Holidays with relatives are not guaranteed.

[Junie]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

5.  My mother's health is really bad.  She is not going as she lives out West, but in some ways I feel I need to go to represent her, that might sound weird, but I am honestly not sure she will live until next year's party.  She looks forward to me calling with an account of the event.

This is the part that would cause me to push to try to make it happen.

[regentrude]

I would go. Can you go the night before, so you split up the drive? Even if it's late in the evening. 

Can you look at the time in the car as a relaxing reprieve from responsibilities? I discovered that I really love driving all by myself, with only music and my thoughts for company (or an audiobook). 

ETA: Christmas shopping is overrated. I'd rather do fewer material gifts and spend my time with family.

Edited December 13, 2019 by regentrude

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

5.  My mother's health is really bad.  She is not going as she lives out West, but in some ways I feel I need to go to represent her, that might sound weird, but I am honestly not sure she will live until next year's party.  She looks forward to me calling with an account of the event.

In that case, I'd do it for her.

[Arctic Bunny]

I would go.

The things you need to buy locally, can you call them and have the items you need held for you to pick up? Or for DH to pick up?

[Lecka]

I think go, and if some other things fall through the cracks, it will be okay.

It sounds like maybe something is going to fall through the cracks or not be done as well, and I think this sounds like it should be a priority, even if something else does fall through the cracks.  

But it is up to you.  I think it is okay not to go, also.  

[Lanny]

I voted that you need to go, because of the ages of your Mother who will be waiting to hear your report, and some of the other people there.

However, you have a "Full Plate" and are fully booked on Sunday. 12 hours by yourself, driving there, visiting and then driving home, would be exhausting.

Hopefully no frozen precipitation in the forecast for that area tomorrow.

My suggestion for you is that you drive up there after work and spend Friday night there, and then visit with them for approximately 3 hours and then drive home.

If you cannot do that, ask your DH to go with you so that you don't fall asleep while driving.

 

 

 

 

[Annie G]

My vote is to go. You’ll be tired and finishing your shopping will be tight, but you can’t recapture that time with her.  People first.  It’s hard when your to do list seems endless, but you won’t regret it. 

[73349]

I would go but return a bit early, even if it meant spending less time visiting than driving.

[DawnM]

Thanks.

 

I guess I shouldn't have mentioned shopping, as that is truly NOT what is keeping me hesitant to go.

It is the fact that even if I only spend an HOUR there, it is still a 7 hour day.  

My house needs at least 2-3 hours of cleaning.  I know I can delegate, but I have to clean the delegated stuff as boys think dog hair is optional to clean up, don't ever see baseboards, or floor around the toilets, etc.....the person coming will be there at 12:30, right after church, and she will be going through quite a bit of my house (this is not a social call and I can't say too much but it is for a foster care situation and it is a home study.)  I know if I don't share at least that much you will say to just clean one bathroom and the kitchen, and that simply isn't enough for this visit.  Please don't ask a lot about it right now as I am not at liberty to share a lot right now.

 

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, whitehawk said:

I would go but return a bit early, even if it meant spending less time visiting than driving.

 

It is already less time  visiting.  3 hours there, 3 hours back, and at least 2 hours there,usually 5, but sure, I can cut that down,but it won't make a lot of difference overall.  I still come back exhausted and can't do much when I get home.

[Janeway]

I am voting for going because you clearly want to go but dread the long day and feel overwhelmed. I had a friend push me in to going some place recently. I did not go originally because I did not feel like putting in the effort. It really was quite a trek. But in the end, I went and I am so happy I did! You might feel better and get some of your mojo back and a new round of energy if you just go.  Have a great time!!! 

[Arctic Bunny]

I think the new info changes things for me. Although, to be honest, for something as big and important as your visitor, I would probably find the money to hire someone to clean, and I would either have them do the details while I did the basics, or vice versa.

I would play Saturday by ear depending on the readiness of the house. 

[regentrude]

21 minutes ago, DawnM said:

It is the fact that even if I only spend an HOUR there, it is still a 7 hour day.  

My house needs at least 2-3 hours of cleaning.  I know I can delegate, but I have to clean the delegated stuff as boys think dog hair is optional to clean up, don't ever see baseboards, or floor around the toilets, etc.....the person coming will be there at 12:30, right after church, and she will be going through quite a bit of my house (this is not a social call and I can't say too much but it is for a foster care situation and it is a home study.)  I know if I don't share at least that much you will say to just clean one bathroom and the kitchen, and that simply isn't enough for this visit.  Please don't ask a lot about it right now as I am not at liberty to share a lot right now.

OK, with THAT added information, I would be inclined to maybe don't go, since you are obviously stressed about the not-social home study, and feel it requires a very different level of cleanliness than regular living and entertaining. 

What time does the event start? Would you be able to put in some time at home in the morning before leaving? I'd normally get up at 6 for a trip like this, but if there's no point in being at the event at 10am, you don't have to leave at 7 - so if all you have to be there is lunchtime, you'd have the 2-3 hours in the morning to clean the house and then just take off.

Edited December 13, 2019 by regentrude

[sassenach]

32 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Thanks.

 

I guess I shouldn't have mentioned shopping, as that is truly NOT what is keeping me hesitant to go.

It is the fact that even if I only spend an HOUR there, it is still a 7 hour day.  

My house needs at least 2-3 hours of cleaning.  I know I can delegate, but I have to clean the delegated stuff as boys think dog hair is optional to clean up, don't ever see baseboards, or floor around the toilets, etc.....the person coming will be there at 12:30, right after church, and she will be going through quite a bit of my house (this is not a social call and I can't say too much but it is for a foster care situation and it is a home study.)  I know if I don't share at least that much you will say to just clean one bathroom and the kitchen, and that simply isn't enough for this visit.  Please don't ask a lot about it right now as I am not at liberty to share a lot right now.

 

You left the most important bit for last! With this info, my first choice would be to hire cleaning help but barring that, I would stay home. That’s a lot. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Is there any chance you could go see your mother in the near future and not go to Sunday's event? Sure, it's nice for her to hear about the event you attended to represent her,  but if you could go see her in person to spend time with her wouldn't that be better?  And there are plenty of things you can call and talk to her about on the phone other than that event.   

I think we need to remind ourselves that things change over time and it isn't always going to be the same every year, not for you, not for mom, not for the relatives.  The fact is, this year it doesn't seem reasonable to add that to your list of holiday events. 

[DawnM]

14 minutes ago, sassenach said:

You left the most important bit for last! With this info, my first choice would be to hire cleaning help but barring that, I would stay home. That’s a lot. 

 

Because I didn't want to add it as it is personal, but it seemed like people can't really see the entire picture without that info.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Is there any chance you could go see your mother in the near future and not go to Sunday's event? Sure, it's nice for her to hear about the event you attended to represent her,  but if you could go see her in person to spend time with her wouldn't that be better?  And there are plenty of things you can call and talk to her about on the phone other than that event.   

I think we need to remind ourselves that things change over time and it isn't always going to be the same every year, not for you, not for mom, not for the relatives.  The fact is, this year it doesn't seem reasonable to add that to your list of holiday events. 

 

No, she lives on the West Coast and I live on the East Coast, but it was more about my aunt, who is not doing well physically than a call to my mom.  Although I mention my mom because of the situation with both of them.....

UGH

Edited December 13, 2019 by DawnM

[DawnM]

41 minutes ago, arctic_bunny said:

I think the new info changes things for me. Although, to be honest, for something as big and important as your visitor, I would probably find the money to hire someone to clean, and I would either have them do the details while I did the basics, or vice versa.

I would play Saturday by ear depending on the readiness of the house. 

 

It is a little late for that.  She is coming in 2 days.  

My house is not horrible.  We are reasonably neat people, but I just get stressed about it being more than "reasonably neat."

 

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, DawnM said:

I have added a poll.

To head up some questions I anticipate:

1. I can't skip church this week due to obligations 

2.  I can't skip my Sunday plans after church either, that is another obligation I can't get out of 

3. I can't take any more days off of work right now, although I do only have one more week until Christmas break, and could potentially push through a hugely busy weekend

4. I have already said no to several parties and activities this year due to lack of time (not sure this point matters, but I am adding it in to say this isn't the only activity I am considering saying no to)

5.  My mother's health is really bad.  She is not going as she lives out West, but in some ways I feel I need to go to represent her, that might sound weird, but I am honestly not sure she will live until next year's party.  She looks forward to me calling with an account of the event.

I would go.

Edited to add---Oh Man, I didn't read about the visitor until I had already posted.  I am still inclined to say go though. If it is possible to go Friday evening and spend the night that would be my vote.  

Delegate the big stuff to your kids and dh while you are away Saturday.  And then do a run through Sunday morning to be sure things pass your inspection.  

It is a lot.....but our elders really depend on us for representing at times like this.

Edited December 13, 2019 by Scarlett

[plansrme]

I would hire someone to clean the house regardless of whether you go or not.  I am a clean person, but the sweet sisters who clean my house ever other Monday just make it look ten times as clean as I do.  Also, having my whole house clean at the same thing is a priceless gift.  It is so soothing, and it sounds like you could use that.

[prairiewindmomma]

Any chance someone can FaceTime/Skype your mom in to the conversation?  We've done that with elderly people who can't travel....

FWIW, I would go, I would stay 1-2 hours, pick up some presents while I was out there and drive back.  I would hire my house to be cleaned.

It does strike me that all of these obligations seem to be only on you and that this isn't a shared workload with your dh. I personally would choose to go lighter on buying presents or wait until the 20th and then spend my time seeing family. I've had two family members die this year, though, so that weighs on my priorities.

[matrips]

Just an idea- would it be possible to meet up with relatives at the halfway point so you don’t have to do all the driving?  The day is still shot, but you’d have company and less driving to do.

[DawnM]

28 minutes ago, matrips said:

Just an idea- would it be possible to meet up with relatives at the halfway point so you don’t have to do all the driving?  The day is still shot, but you’d have company and less driving to do.

 

No, I explained it a bit in my OP I think, but we are talking 60+ people, asking them to all come to my newly determined location, when the hall has been booked since July, and not paid for by me, is not an option.  And the relative I would like to see will pretty much not travel more than a 15 min. drive at this point.

[PeterPan]

Skimming quickly here, but if you drive up Friday, take a HOTEL, do all your shopping that night (online, in whatever nifty stores are close to the hotel), then you can sleep in, let the hotel make breakfast, visit your relatives, and drive home refreshed.

I had it happen that I missed a Christmas with my extended family and then lost people that Christmas. So no, I would not recommend skipping. Just you need some extra care of self to make it happen, hence the hotel. Or invite yourself over to that aunt's house.

Edited December 13, 2019 by PeterPan

[DawnM]

11 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Skimming quickly here, but if you drive up Friday, take a HOTEL, do all your shopping that night (online, in whatever nifty stores are close to the hotel), then you can sleep in, let the hotel make breakfast, visit your relatives, and drive home refreshed.

I had it happen that I missed a Christmas with my extended family and then lost people that Christmas. So no, I would not recommend skipping. Just you need some extra care of self to make it happen, hence the hotel. Or invite yourself over to that aunt's house.

 

It is a tiny, rural area, there is ONE hotel in the entire area, a very low end hotel, and no shopping other than Walmart type stores.  Everyone who lives there goes a hour the opposite direction from where I am driving, and goes to the city that way.

It starts around 12, so I can leave at 9 without an issue.

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, DawnM said:

It starts around 12, so I can leave at 9 without an issue.

Oh, that seems comfortable. You can get a lot done in the morning hours before you leave, and if you stay there three hours, you're home in time for dinner. Get a fun podcast and treat the drive itself as a vacation.  

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Oh, that seems comfortable. You can get a lot done in the morning hours before you leave, and if you stay there three hours, you're home in time for dinner. Get a fun podcast and treat the drive itself as a vacation.  

 

I am exhausted.  No way I am getting up on a Saturday to do hours of work before going on a 9+ hour excursion.  I just don't have it in me right now.  In fact, I really don't even have it in me to go, but I am thinking I need to make the effort anyway.

I will sleep until 6 or 7, have my coffee, maybe do the dishes or clean a bathroom, and then get ready and go.

 

[DawnM]

I also cannot make anything tonight.  I will be stopping at Costco for something else anyway, so I plan to pick up some shareable items......a dip and chips (7 layer and tortilla chips if they have it), some drinks, and a dessert of some kind.

I normally make stuff, but I just can't.

[TravelingChris]

Dawn I guess you are going.  Play whatever music or book or podcast that will keep you happy.  Stop a few times and walk around.  Decide that online shopping is your friend this year.  Hire a cleaner. 

I am worried about you because you are under a lot of stress.  And stress makes you more likely to get sick.  Which is not a thing you need to add to your plate.  So yes, breathe,  relax this evening, etc.

[Lanny]

Dawn is there any chance that you can, at this, the last minute, postpone the Home Visit?   Tell the person there is a family reunion and there are people you need to visit, because they are very old and not in good health. If you tell the true story, the person who is going to visit you for the home visit may find that desire to be a good desire and indicate things about your character she wouldn't know from inspecting the house.

I had one good friend who I postponed going to visit (he lived on the other side of the city) and then he died and it was too late to visit him.  How much I regretted not going to visit him when he was alive.

Whatever you do, be careful and take good care of yourself.

[KungFuPanda]

I vote go and use the time for stress relief. Go up the night before. Spend time relaxing in a hotel room alone. Plan your upcoming shopping trips/menus with surgical precision if you want to be productive.  Enjoy the visit with family. Make sure you have books or podcasts that you really enjoy for the drive. When you get home you’ll be ready to tackle home and holidays. 

[DawnM]

Ok, DH has said he feels I need to try to go and he will supervise the cleaning and make sure it gets done.

I just have to let go of what I think it should look like! 😁

He thinks the nice decorative bowls on the beverage/wine area are made to store vegetables.  And the toilet bowl cleaner may need to dry out in the tub.......😫

But I have to let it go right now.

[Ottakee]

If it is a home study/foster care thing, don't fret it too much.  They know kids live in the house.  There is a joke in the foster circles about everything being perfect your first home visit, picked up the second, and after a few more you are doing great if you have a bra on and your teeth brushed.

[Bambam]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:19 AM, DawnM said:

(Ahh... messed up deleting part of the quote) -- Mother's health really bad.  She is not going as she lives out West, but in some ways I feel I need to go to represent her, that might sound weird, but I am honestly not sure she will live until next year's party.  She looks forward to me calling with an account of the event.

Surely there are other relatives she could call to get an account of the event. I'm sure your mom would want you to take care of your own health and family before attending this event at such a great time cost. 

If I had someone else (family) who could drive me so I could sleep on the way there and possibly the way back (it's hard for me to sleep right away after a social event - I have to decompress, etc). I'd seriously consider going. 

Otherwise, I just would not. It would be sad to miss hanging out with relatives who might not be there next year, and I'd miss being able to tell my mom about the event, but really, my health and my family come first. I try really hard this time of year to limit everything because I think I'm much more likely to get sick if I'm tired (physically exhausted like you seem to be). And just no. I don't want to be sick (even with a cold) if I have the opportunity to spend a week (or even several days) with my immediate family - who are my #1 priority.  Both my kids are in college, so I don't get to see them much - and DH takes most of the last two weeks of the year off, and family time is good time. 

But, that's me. Hugely rational and practical. I'm not a sentimental person at all. 

[Jaybee]

I hope you have a wonderful day, and that it is much more relaxing that you've been expecting. I hope that as you drive, you are able to let some of the current stresses start to roll off you, so that you can fully enjoy the time with your relatives, and that you won't worry about the house. (And that your dh and ds's do a much better job than expected! 😄)

[BlsdMama]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:16 AM, DawnM said:

ARGH!

My mother's side of the family has their annual Christmas party every year the second Saturday of the month in December.   I do enjoy going.  I didn't grow up here, so being closer (somewhat) to this side of the family is something I enjoy.

However, it is a 3 hour drive each way, and is pretty much a 10-12 hour day by the time I drive each way (6 hours) and then visit for 5 or so hours.

Our Sunday is entirely booked.  

I have not done any of the "outside" (non-internet) Christmas shopping yet.  I work through the 20th this year.

I am a bit exhausted even thinking about it.

Should I push through and go, or skip this year?

I have one aunt who isn't doing well and I worry she may not make it another year.  

The frustrating part for me is that they have it 3 hours away, even though most of the family now live about 1.5 hours from me, halfway between.  But, it is tradition to have it where my mom and her siblings grew up, so they have continued it.  Most of them have other relatives down there too (spouses' families, etc...) so it is fine for them (and only 1.5 hours vs. my 3). And yes, it has been suggested, but no one else seems as inconvenienced, so I doubt it will change.

Do I go?

 

 

Kill the non- internet shopping and outsource everything you can for the season. I’d go. I’m starting to realize keep relationships and let the rest go. 

[DawnM]

7 hours ago, Jaybee said:

I hope you have a wonderful day, and that it is much more relaxing that you've been expecting. I hope that as you drive, you are able to let some of the current stresses start to roll off you, so that you can fully enjoy the time with your relatives, and that you won't worry about the house. (And that your dh and ds's do a much better job than expected! 😄)

 

It was good overall.  I did talk to my aunt some.  She is looking really good.  She has put on some weight and seems healthier than I have seen her in a while.  So all of that is good.

[matrips]

On 12/13/2019 at 1:02 PM, DawnM said:

 

No, I explained it a bit in my OP I think, but we are talking 60+ people, asking them to all come to my newly determined location, when the hall has been booked since July, and not paid for by me, is not an option.  And the relative I would like to see will pretty much not travel more than a 15 min. drive at this point.

I just noticed this, and I’m probably way too late responding because you’re likely already back, but I didn’t mean to suggest they move the get-together.  I was just asking if you could meet up with someone around the halfway point and drive with them the rest of the way.  It doesn’t save you time, but having someone else do some of the driving might be nice. Hope you had a nice time if you went 🙂

 

[DawnM]

6 minutes ago, matrips said:

I just noticed this, and I’m probably way too late responding because you’re likely already back, but I didn’t mean to suggest they move the get-together.  I was just asking if you could meet up with someone around the halfway point and drive with them the rest of the way.  It doesn’t save you time, but having someone else do some of the driving might be nice. Hope you had a nice time if you went 🙂

 

 

Oh I see.  Not really, no one is exactly on the way, most have full cars, and I prefer the freedom of being able to leave whenever I need/want to.

[Ottakee]

Was the house clean?  How was the home inspection?

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Ottakee said:

Was the house clean?  How was the home inspection?

 

Not nearly the clean I had thought/hoped it would be.  DH assigned tasks but then never checked them.  Guest bath upstairs was GROSS.  Thankfully she didn't look in there.