Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 Apparently relative has decided my son is a mechanical wizard now because he has autism. Sent very inappropriate building kit, years too advanced, impossible. I heard her on the phone with my husband -- he told her he would like a Lego kit for a younger age group. No, no, she saw on tv, kids with autism like these very advanced kits. The denial is mind-boggling. And just hurtful, as she is clearly not okay with buying gifts for a younger age range for one of her grandchildren. 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 I'm sorry, Lecka. It hurts when family can't see and accept our kids as they are, right now. We had a couple of years when dd was intensely focused on a pet: care, training, etc. Aunt asked for gift suggestions, but balked at giving what dd wanted. So, I understand. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 It is really so hurtful! I don't know what is wrong with people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 This is coming on the heels of some other troubling things, and a bizarre Facebook article she shared to my husband about "things pregnant women can do to prevent their child having autism." I talked him down on that because I thought she probably didn't actually read the article, and just thought she was sharing something nice about autism. Sigh. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) Oh, I feel better. I can't really say anything to my husband -- he knows, but if he can ignore it that will be better (he would be even more upset and he is wanting to maintain a "talk on the phone" relationship with this person, and I do support that). I stuck the gift in a closet and maybe my older son will want to get some use out of it some time. I doubt it -- but you never know. It is way too advanced for my younger son. Even saying "in a few years" -- no, just no. He was happy with another present so he did not have that disappointment of trying to play with it and having it be too hard, thank goodness. Edited December 4, 2019 by Lecka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 35 minutes ago, Lecka said: It is really so hurtful! I don't know what is wrong with people. Yes. Ignorance, mostly, I guess. In our case, I think the aunt is probably on the spectrum herself, but almost 70 year olds didn't get diagnosed in their day. It's her own sort of rigid thinking: she'd have been thrilled to buy jewelry or books for a tween girl, but a list composed of pet supplies was not something she could deal with, however much dd wanted them. And then she wonders why the kids don't have a close, chatty, confiding relationship with her, even though she showers them with presents. She never *sees* them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1shortmomto4 Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 Very disappointing and frustrating because you might expect this from someone outside the family but those closer to family - you'd hope they'd be more understanding and welcoming to your suggestions. I've been dealing with GP thinking that since he is autistic then he must be gifted with extreme intelligence like the character on Good Doctor. I can't tell you how many times they've decided they've learned everything they need to know based on that character (and GM is high up the chain in health care at a DNP!) My kids finally figured out to just ask for gift cards and they'll buy what they want - Lego, which they haven't outgrown building and enjoying. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 It is too bad. I think there is a lot of denial with this relative. I think she thinks it will all go away at some point, and he will be normal but also good at electronics. She is also not very good at maintaining a relationship with my kids, which I accept at this point. I made a lot of effort when they were younger, and it just was not reciprocated really appropriately. But then I think she would also like to be closer, but it is in theory, not actually taking steps to make it happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 1 minute ago, 1shortmomto4 said: I've been dealing with GP thinking that since he is autistic then he must be gifted with extreme intelligence like the character on Good Doctor. I can't tell you how many times they've decided they've learned everything they need to know based on that character This is so familiar. Almost all of our relatives have come a long way! But in about the second year my son was given a little guitar from a different grandparent who had heard a lot of children with autism were musically gifted. But that relative is not still stuck there. At the time I was thinking things like "a lot of kids with autism like Thomas the Train, so maybe I should get him a lot of Thomas stuff?" Then he never cared about Thomas, lol. But that has been years ago! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 I think it is a reality check for me ShortMom -- your kids are older than my kids, sigh. I have had a lot of relatives do better over time, but then some are just stuck and I guess will continue to be stuck. It is too bad, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 15 minutes ago, Innisfree said: Yes. Ignorance, mostly, I guess. In our case, I think the aunt is probably on the spectrum herself, but almost 70 year olds didn't get diagnosed in their day. It's her own sort of rigid thinking: she'd have been thrilled to buy jewelry or books for a tween girl, but a list composed of pet supplies was not something she could deal with, however much dd wanted them. And then she wonders why the kids don't have a close, chatty, confiding relationship with her, even though she showers them with presents. She never *sees* them. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 Yes! It is on that level. Like they get to decide if kids have allergies or not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 I would just take it to a store and trade for a different set or couple sets that will be more appropriate. Send her the pic in a month, and she'll think it's what she bought and have no clue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 The cardboard and plastic are taken off, and we don’t live anywhere near a Barnes and Noble. It can stay in the closet. There’s no reason for it to create work or obligation for me. Maybe in a couple of months I would be interested in doing that, lol. I am about an inch from putting it in my trunk with give-away bags and never thinking of it again. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 This person is always like “just return it if you don’t like it.” But she shops at stores that do not exist anywhere near us and neither does she send receipts in an envelope. I am not cleaning up her mess. We are in such a rural area, it’s not like we can just run down to Barnes and Noble. She doesn’t care. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) Maybe we do have the same relative!!!!!!! I have got one relative who is obsessed with math achievement, the stock market, and — this has never been a theme in gift-giving, but he is also obsessed with probability and gambling. He has sent a page of math problems for one of my kids to complete and send back to him. Um, okay. I was raised this way but as an adult — it is not how I am choosing to raise my children. But whatever. It’s very self-centered. I think it is rude, personally. But whatever. There is some good intention there. But giving someone an instrument they can’t physically play — it is just cruel. It would be cruel to have him open that gift and see something he couldn’t even use. There is some pretense with the gift we got that somebody will do it with my son, but none of us want to do it with him, and it is too hard for him to be able to do any of it. So he could sit and watch one of us play with it? It’s still bad but not AS bad. Wow. I am just so done with this relative. And it is not kind or appreciated for me to vent to my husband. Sigh. He is also frustrated but it is his relative and he loves her. Edited December 4, 2019 by Lecka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) My mother used to get so upset because a relative would give my brother (not me, just my brother) gifts that were way too YOUNG, lol. Like I think she gave him the Cooties game when he was 10. And my brother was working ahead multiple grades in school, very smart. The person was just sort of on her own planet, still is. If you throw the box away, it's still just legos. That's what happens to sets anyway, they meld into the mix and get lost. Maybe go to the cheap fun for boys blog and find little cut creatures (puppies, etc.) you can make from lego pieces and hang them somewhere. Or use them for gravel in a rock garden. Edited December 4, 2019 by PeterPan 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 This relative asked and then got something different. Sigh. To be fair — other times she has gotten something closer to what was mentioned and it has been appropriate. This kit has tiny screws and a tiny “tool” that are beyond my son’s fine motor skills. He can’t do a thing with it. He could watch it done. He does not have the ability to look at the instructions or have an opinion about what to do or how to do it. A younger age range would have been something where he could have some form of participation and even done it himself. It is who he is! Which happens to be a very cool person, sigh. It is her loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 Sigh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 2 hours ago, Lecka said: The cardboard and plastic are taken off, and we don’t live anywhere near a Barnes and Noble. It can stay in the closet. There’s no reason for it to create work or obligation for me. Maybe in a couple of months I would be interested in doing that, lol. I am about an inch from putting it in my trunk with give-away bags and never thinking of it again. I totally agree, and this is a very reasonable response. I am so sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 In a way though, isn't the real loss YOUR loss? Like you'd like to have a MIL who's sane, socially observant, supportive, and all that mess. Instead she's oblivious, disconnected, unhelpful, etc. I was trying to figure out why you're ANGRY over this, when it's obvious she has a disability. So that means it's how it's making you feel. Partly the protectiveness of your ds (which you had ways to work around), and partly the frustrating dynamic. Did you just never realize what a mess she was? Is it getting worse and she's in the early stages of something that is going to get diagnosed? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) I would like my husband to have a mother who could not be such a frustration to him in many ways. My kids are in good shape as we have other relatives they have better relationships with. It really makes me mad on behalf of my husband, more than anything. There are good things about her, too, but -- then there are things like this. I think for myself -- it is just as well for me, since it is an easy call to spend more holidays etc with my parents. Which -- it is what it is. My husband gets along better with my step-father than with anyone in his family. Edit: I made so much effort when my kids were younger, though. I was very open and willing to have a greater relationship with them. Edited December 4, 2019 by Lecka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewelma Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 3 hours ago, Lecka said: I am about an inch from putting it in my trunk with give-away bags and never thinking of it again. Do that! It definitely does not spark joy. And every time you see it, you will get mad again. Get rid of it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 I think I will -- but I will check with my oldest son. I don't think he will want it but it is worth checking with him. Nobody else will think twice about it lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 Though I am not sure if I can look at it without getting mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 We are moving so I am doing a lot of give-away ------ it would be easy to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 I probably will. I will just check with my older son and then -- I don't think anyone else will remember it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) I honestly have no idea when we will even see them again. After we move we will be a 9 hour drive away, and I feel no obligation to make that drive. I used to, but I don't anymore. Right now we are farther away than that. They have come 3 times in the 14 years since my oldest was born. We have been much more than that, and it is a much greater hassle to us than it would be to them. Edited December 4, 2019 by Lecka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 4, 2019 Author Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) Also one of the times we visited them, they blew me off about my son running away if he got outside, and he did run out their back door into a forested area and just by chance my husband caught him, while they thought it was a big joke. Not cool. We have never stayed with them again -- we have stayed with other relatives. Edited December 4, 2019 by Lecka 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) 3 hours ago, Lecka said: Edit: I made so much effort when my kids were younger, though. I was very open and willing to have a greater relationship with them. Me, too. I make no effort now with in-laws. They’re not horrible people, but we just have nothing in common and I’m tired of trying to force things. We don’t really click at all. I remember years ago my MIL saying she just didn’t really understand me. I wasn’t hurt by that but wondered what she meant. I’m still not entirely sure, but I think it means that we’re both nice enough people, but our personalities are too different to be able to connect with each other. So, a couple of years ago I stopped trying. DH goes to visit them quite a bit to help them with their computer or car or whatever, but I stay home. They only live 20 or so minutes away, so that makes it doable. Ask your older ds if he wants the gift and then give it away. Edited December 4, 2019 by Garga 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 I can so relate. One year we went to visit my dad & his wife; she gushed and gushed and gushed about how fun it would be to have a young kid in the house at Christmas again, how fun it is getting gifts for that age range, etc. Just really *excited* about the joy of watching a young child all filled with wonder while opening gifts. (Youngest was I think 9 that year, has severe dyslexia, which she knows, as well as other learning challenges, which she also knows). She got him books. Math books. She had previously spent gobs of time playing with him, interacting with him, watching him play with her kids outgrown toys, knew exactly the kinds of things he could spend *hours* doing and enjoying.......and instead, got our *could not at the time even read* dyslexic child books. About math. His other gifts from them were two or three, wrapped individually, t-shirts from her boys' high school. And she'd wrapped the books separately, as well. So present after present, just more disappointment. It was awful. (my sister, thankfully, gave him some small Legos and such). And there, in person, in front of them, so that was awkward. Especially after how she'd gone on and on about enjoying the magic and wonder of Christmas through a child's eyes and all...... (she gave me a book on teaching kids to read; she *knew* a book would not be appreciated by him; the only thing I can say in her defense is that she'd given him a simple abacus the year prior, and he loves it still....so she thought "math", I guess, and leapt to math books......not "do this problem" books, but a reading book about math, explaining fractions using candy. She did not include the candy which would have at least been fun.....). They've been similarly dismal gifts since, but at least we're able to open them at home and he has gifts from us to soften the blow; this visit was not over actual Christmas day so we'd not brought anything *from us* to open up there (not wanting to travel both directions with extra gifts). It's mind boggling what relatives decide...... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 Sigh! It is moved to my older son’s room. He might build something sometime that my younger son could play with. He does play with my older son’s completed Lego spaceships sometimes — he is allowed as long as he doesn’t take the mini figures apart and asks first. If he never opens it up to do that, I am putting it in give away when we move. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 Sorry, Lecka. No advice, but lots of sympathy. Hugs 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbollin Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 We all have that relative. Finally, people (from this thread) who understand what I've been through with gifts this time of year. thank y'all. I no longer feel upset by the gifts now that youngest is 17. I know it is will disappoint from the grandma who claims she loves them all but of course doesn't call, write, interact or anything with children. At this point, grandma's stupidity is my expectation and by golly gumdrops she meets that expectation every year. I know it's her loss. Yep. I had several years where dumb ass grandma would buy gifts thinking she had done a great and mighty service to my children. They were nothing they wanted or needed and didn't match wish list, or close to things they like. Yet grandma was bitter when they kid didn't act like it was a gift from heaven. (I'm sure there's hidden meaning in that. evil snark back laughter to you MIL) Gifts that absolutely were donated somewhere and I didn't care to replace it. yep, plenty of those years where she just didn't think that "oh, they can't return it to a store that isn't in their area". so the last few years, she would run out to a store to get a gift card when we were an hour out of town (of a 5 hours drive trip) so at least she could say rude snarky things about it. (well, you never give me good ideas on what to get them. so here. and then she walks off. ) oh yeah. been there. people are stupid. grandmas are not excluded from that. Though I do have to admit this year stupid grandma gave me a great gift: she moved out of the country (due to cost of living) and isn't going to be in the US this christmas. yes. and yep. my dh doesn't care about how this aspect of gift giving inappropriate stuff really impacts the wishes to have a connection and relationship with grandma and family members that we see maybe once a year. His autism brain gets in the way. all he sees is that it is his mom and it's just a gift. I'm guessing she was a lousy gift buyer when he and his brothers were younger. I have noticed she moralizes with gifts. you should appreciate that I got anything. (well, uhm.. ok. thenyou should appreciate that we got you this. ewww.. I don't like that) hugs to lecka. For us, the year I stopped caring: it was three separate 1000 piece puzzles of garden scenes to give my youngest (who only liked puzzles with tv characters with about 100 pieces at the time). Grandma and two aunts both had it in their mind that my youngest (who was single digit age that year) needed a more challenging puzzle to do and it would bring her out of autism. My kiddo took all 3 boxes and put them in grandma's closet of grandma's puzzles and left them in grandma's house. I think my daughter did the right thing. After that, I knew it was a losing game to play with getting gifts so I changed my expectations to be very low. grandma meets that expectation and has missed out on knowing two of my 3 children. not because of me. At least the other 2 sets of grandparents are fine with "gift registry" style of buying. but sadly with the distance between cities and not wanting to deal with shopping in person and shipping (or even online shopping), we've gone to "I'll buy and I put your name on it and you send me some money for it?" It works. My youngest loves to wrap the gifts herself and put them under tree and open them later. hugs. I am so glad to know this is common. no, I"m not glad. I'm just feeling less sad knowing it's a common issue and not just happening to me. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbollin Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 23 hours ago, Lecka said: as she is clearly not okay with buying gifts for a younger age range for one of her grandchildren. I also meant to comment on that. It's taken a decade or so, but two out of three of the grandparent sets are ok with it now to buy younger stuff. The closer they are to not being around on earth, the more chilled they are getting about that aspect. They have a so what if my 17 y.o grandchild wants younger stuff. But it took a long time for them to get there. the grandma I rant on about in the above post is not there yet and good thing too because she would buy younger but not something wanted and then throw a fit that the kid didn't like it. That's her problem. Her loss. Other people are in our lives who like our daughter with autism and IQ. sorry that you are having the same stories and event I had. hugs. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 4 hours ago, cbollin said: I also meant to comment on that. It's taken a decade or so, but two out of three of the grandparent sets are ok with it now to buy younger stuff. The closer they are to not being around on earth, the more chilled they are getting about that aspect. They have a so what if my 17 y.o grandchild wants younger stuff. But it took a long time for them to get there. the grandma I rant on about in the above post is not there yet and good thing too because she would buy younger but not something wanted and then throw a fit that the kid didn't like it. That's her problem. Her loss. Other people are in our lives who like our daughter with autism and IQ. sorry that you are having the same stories and event I had. hugs. Yes to this, too. My dad threw an absolute FIT one year when we were visiting (a different visit than the Christmas disaster) when we wanted to go by a Lego store while in town (we were, at the time, living in Brazil, and a specific something had just been released, that our boys wanted, and it was literally our only chance to snag it while in the US). Our boys would have been, at most, 15, 12, and 8 at the time. Maybe a year younger. My dad swore up and down "only one of the boys is even young enough to be interested in Legos, we're not going an hour out of the way for that!" (not exactly an hour "out of the way" but he thought so, so.....). We couldn't even buy Legos for their kids (his wife's, same ages as my oldest boys)....they'd literally be in the aisle looking at Legos with us, find something they wanted/liked, then look at the age limits on the box to check if it was allowed; Dad had made a rule that the lower limit had to be within 1 or 2 yrs of their age (not the upper limit) or they couldn't get it. 😞 He'd flip out if he knew our 19 yr old still has Legos on his list (and all 3 still spend hours playing with Lego when all together.....). Why it's so hard for people to grasp is beyond me.....thank heavens we have other relatives who more or less get it and don't fuss too much. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 I’m sorry, Lecka. (((Hugs))) who is having the rage? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 I am the angry one. I slipped it away and my younger son forgot about it. But I feel better now. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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