Mr. Rogers - question for those from dysfunctional families

[Bluegoat]

13 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Maybe some of those people are only talking about these few things because the deeper things are too hard to talk about, especially around people who are going to blithely respond that claiming dysfunction is trendy.

 

Maybe but that wasn't the point.  No one has asked for people to spill all the details.

Homeschool Mom was responding to a post that suggested that every family was messy and dysfunctional.  That's a pretty straightforward idea.  In any case, I would agree there is a sort of trendy element around struggles, or marginalisation, I'm not sure what you'd call it, maybe a sort of romanticisation of the ugly elements in life.  

[ktgrok]

17 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I don't think Homeschool mom in AZ is trying to gatekeep and tell people they are using the dysfunctional term incorrectly. Someone else up thread said "every family is dysfunctional" and it is now trendy to claim you are from a dysfunctional family.  I think Homeschool mom in AZ is pushing back on that idea because it is dismissive of people who grew up in really messed up families. 

Right. Not saying someone who claims dysfunctional family is lying, but that it isn't true that ALL families are dysfunctional. 

15 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is it actually trendy? Really? I think it's more likely that it's more socially acceptable to admit these things.  People used to be more reluctant out of loyalty or embarrassment to "air dirty laundry" or own up to mental illness in their family tree.  I think it's really strange to accuse people of embellishing the truth about this because it's the "in" thing.  Granted, some families are more . . . everything than others, but it's not really a competition.  

I read Educated.  That was some Grade A dysfunction.  I don't think that means a family has to be THAT dangerously messed up in order to not function in a normal, healthy way.

But do you think ALL families are dysfunctional? that was the claim she was responding too.

I used to joke that my family was "crazy". Then I met my DH's mother. And had to apologize to him for not getting it before. As in, she was so unbelievably dysfunctional I had to leave the building and go outside to gather my thoughts, before I laughed in her face. My mom using guilt more than is healthy and my Dad yelling and losing his temper is not in the same category as her lying to therapists to get her son put on medications for a disease he didn't have in order to collect medicaid. Or taking him with her at age 7 to an adult toy store with her boyfriend, or relying on him as a teenager to work full time and pay bills and eventually drop out of highschool to do it because she was too emotionally fragile to keep a job. 

There is imperfect, and there is dysfunctional. She did not function as a mother to him. (his father died when he was 3 yrs old)

[sweet2ndchance]

Yes, I do believe it is trendy at the moment to claim one's family is dysfunctional just as it is trendy to claim you have PTSD for a normal reaction to uncomfortable situations and claim you have OCD when you like having things done a certain way. There is family drama that happens in every family and then there is family drama that results in children with bona fide mental issues like chronic depression and anxiety, personality disorders and an inability to form healthy relationships with anyone. It is normal to feel anxious sometimes and not want to do something because of it. It is not normal to have fight or flight reactions to normal everyday things like running normal errands and the human interaction that is required to do them. Its's normal to want things done your own way, it is not normal to have a full blown panic attack when something is not done in a particular way or if someone prevents you from preforming your ritualistic habits.

These examples may sound like I'm exaggerating to make a point, and if you feel that way, you are, in fact, very lucky. It means that it is unlikely that you or someone you know is afflicted with mental illness. Social acceptance for mental illness and normalization of mental illness are not the same thing. Social acceptance means we don't ignore or deny mental illness as something that causes suffering and are real maladies that need treatment. Social acceptance is a good thing. Normalization of mental illness is when we try to say that situations like I described above are normal and everyone experiences them. Not only does trying to normalize mental illness not help anyone but it also trivializes the real problems and issues that those who really do have debilitating mental illness symptoms they have to deal with every day.

[scoutingmom]

I watched Mr. Rogers occasionally.  I much preferred Mr. Dressup (Canadian show)

I found Mr. Rogers a bit condescending,  and honestly even as a child he set off my "creep" alert, and he still does.  He is probably just fine, but my alarm bells in my head go off whenever I hear him talk.  I hated the Make believe land too.

Mr. Dressup, on the other hand, was kind and fun, and had fantastic costumes and craft items in his "tickle trunk", and it was possible to make things he made.  Cassey and Finnagin (a puppet boy and puppet dog) lived in a treehouse in his yard (not sure why...)

And then another Canadian show...  The Friendly Giant.  Only a 15 minute show, and I can't even remember what it had in the show itself,  but the whole going to his castle and he had chairs (toy sized for him) for us to imagine sitting in, and he would talk to his puppets (a chicken in a bag on the wall, and a giraffe that would bring his head into the open window).  Kindness!

 

[scholastica]

9 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

 

I used to joke that my family was "crazy". Then I met my DH's mother. And had to apologize to him for not getting it before. As in, she was so unbelievably dysfunctional I had to leave the building and go outside to gather my thoughts, before I laughed in her face. My mom using guilt more than is healthy and my Dad yelling and losing his temper is not in the same category as her lying to therapists to get her son put on medications for a disease he didn't have in order to collect medicaid. Or taking him with her at age 7 to an adult toy store with her boyfriend, or relying on him as a teenager to work full time and pay bills and eventually drop out of highschool to do it because she was too emotionally fragile to keep a job. 

There is imperfect, and there is dysfunctional. She did not function as a mother to him. (his father died when he was 3 yrs old)

Some would characterize the behaviors in your FOO as dysfunctional and the ones in your dh's as abuse. I know people who consider themselves abused because of the types of behaviors that occurred in your FOO. I'm not going to tell them they are wrong. It just depends on the person. 

[gardenmom5]

10 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Right. Not saying someone who claims dysfunctional family is lying, but that it isn't true that ALL families are dysfunctional. 

But do you think ALL families are dysfunctional? that was the claim she was responding too.

I used to joke that my family was "crazy". Then I met my DH's mother. And had to apologize to him for not getting it before. As in, she was so unbelievably dysfunctional I had to leave the building and go outside to gather my thoughts, before I laughed in her face. My mom using guilt more than is healthy and my Dad yelling and losing his temper is not in the same category as her lying to therapists to get her son put on medications for a disease he didn't have in order to collect medicaid. Or taking him with her at age 7 to an adult toy store with her boyfriend, or relying on him as a teenager to work full time and pay bills and eventually drop out of highschool to do it because she was too emotionally fragile to keep a job. 

There is imperfect, and there is dysfunctional. She did not function as a mother to him. (his father died when he was 3 yrs old)

mil was nuts.  she was manipulative, and could make you think you were crazy.  dh's father didn't put up with it, and it kept her in check.  (then he had the audacity to die from cancer while kids were still at home. . . . . )

dh used to tell me I was overly sensitive to my grandmother.  (he didn't play her games, so she tended to avoid him.)  then she did something that was so typical her, and I'd reached the point of detaching so I was just eyerolling instead of freaking out.  I don't remember what it was, just that it was utterly typical for her.  dh looked stunned when I told him.  it was something that he had never supposed.  he said: "I take it back.  she's as bad as you say."   we'd been married for ten years.

eta: your dh's mother makes me think of munchausen by proxy.  I would classify her behavior as abusive.

Edited December 2, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Bluegoat]

2 hours ago, scoutingmom said:

I watched Mr. Rogers occasionally.  I much preferred Mr. Dressup (Canadian show)

I found Mr. Rogers a bit condescending,  and honestly even as a child he set off my "creep" alert, and he still does.  He is probably just fine, but my alarm bells in my head go off whenever I hear him talk.  I hated the Make believe land too.

Mr. Dressup, on the other hand, was kind and fun, and had fantastic costumes and craft items in his "tickle trunk", and it was possible to make things he made.  Cassey and Finnagin (a puppet boy and puppet dog) lived in a treehouse in his yard (not sure why...)

And then another Canadian show...  The Friendly Giant.  Only a 15 minute show, and I can't even remember what it had in the show itself,  but the whole going to his castle and he had chairs (toy sized for him) for us to imagine sitting in, and he would talk to his puppets (a chicken in a bag on the wall, and a giraffe that would bring his head into the open window).  Kindness!

 

 

I also loved Mr Dressup.  I think it appealed to a slightly older age group than Mr Rogers but it had a similar vibe with an adult talking directly to the camera in a calm way, for a whole half hour.  That is one of the things that strikes me about that whole era of tv, there was more of an expectation that kids would pay attention to that.

The Friendly Giant was also great, though it was short and I think directed at very young kids.  Though later on, as an adult, I wondered about the rooster living in the sack. 

[Bluegoat]

FWIW, I'd say that it is true to say that many or most families have their moments.  Lots do have mental illness.  But I don't really think that most of it rises to the level of kids that can't connect with a tv figure who seems calm and kind.

My own family life had some issues, my parents were divorced, there were addictions issues in my immediate and extended family, and mental illness.  My sister ran off to live with other family members.  But I would not say any of that came to that level.  Now, some of my cousins were a different story, the issues in their immediate family did rise to that level.  I thin the major difference was in mine, we generally felt loved, generally felt safe, like our parents were on our side, were looking to make sure we had what we needed materially and emotionally.  In theirs, they might have felt loved but the parents were not capable of keeping them safe, were themselves a danger at times, couldn't provide what was needed materially or emotionally.  

Edited December 3, 2019 by Bluegoat