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Oh honey... I am so so so sorry for your loss.  I got a little lost in the story, but what I do understand is that you are both grieving.  You are both raw emotionally.  Really, he could not say anything that would make you feel better because of your grieving and that is ok.  You can be mad.  You can be upset.  I have no words of wisdom.  Just praying for your family during this time.  Life just stinks sometimes.

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First, I am so very very sorry for your loss. The loss of a child must be the worst thing ever, and I send my love and prayers to you. 

Also, I think maybe you are actually more mad and upset about him leaving you, and not caring for you during this time of not only physical distress but deep emotional pain. And that for whatever reason you were not as comfortable dealing with that with him or flat out telling him not to go, so instead are carrying all that emotion over into the part about him disclosing to his mother. Which he should not have done! But it seems to me that the bigger betrayal was him leaving you at all, and not being there for you. But for whatever reason rather than deal with that head on you are letting that resentment add on to the part about him telling. 

So to him it seems over the top because he doesn't realize how much of that emotion coming from you is about him leaving, not about him telling. Or rather, in addition. 

I think you won't find satisfaction or peace or forgiveness until you discuss him leaving. Why you needed him to stay. And then also, when you are ready, examine why you didn't flat out tell him that at the time, and instead were okay with him leaving for a while, but then resentful, etc. (BTDT)  Not saying it is your fault, but going forward I'd want to figure that out so your communication can be more clear. Better a confrontation up front than resentment later. Resentment is what kills marriages. 

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There is so much here. You are both carrying so much. He loves you. You love him. He was in the wrong, he's sorry and you will forgive him when you're ready. Keep breathing. It's going to hurt for a while, but one day it will hurt less. You won't even see it coming. You will be ok. I promise. I am so sorry. You will be ok.

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3 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

 

 

Well, I would have told him to go, but I was upset he didnt offer to stay.  I actually texted this and more at beginning of his first trip much before his dads situation deteriorated.

"I am irritated that you act unconcerned at home and didnt even offer to stay home. I would have told you to still go because I'm so nice, but gosh, you could have expressed some concern for me in a dangerous and unpleasant situation."

I do tend to suppress things and they come back, which I know is not good.  Like during this I remember how upset I was when he left me 8 yrs ago to visit his dad.  I was pregnant on watch for preterm labor and had a 2 yr old and his dad was having heart surgery.  Like I do have resentment that I feel low priority.  But he does things for me every day, like he does the dishes and takes kids in the afternoon and does house projects I want... but these serious times are wounding for me.

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I think you’re probably madder about him leaving you at this time than about his telling others. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. This was a big deal. 

You had a baby.

you lost a baby.

you had SURGERY. 

He was gone for all of this.

hes experienced 2 losses as well. 

But the loss for you is deeper than for him in all likelihood because he hasn’t seen what you’ve had to go through. He doesn’t have a clue and some people don’t “get” other people’s pain until they experience it firsthand.

im not excusing Him, but I don’t think any of this is coming from a malicious place, more of a stupid and clueless place.

he should’ve been there.

you should’ve felt more comfortable telling him this stuff “I need you here.”

and you need to start saying out loud what you need from him. He sounds like a decent guy who’s just on a totally different wavelength from you. “If she needed me here, she would’ve said something.” 

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Oh, parent, this is just heartbreaking.

It honestly reads like you're (super legitimately!) full of emotions that haven't settled at all yet and that you're grieving and not sure where to put that grief. I don't want to say it's all hormones - it's way more than that. But it's also probably a lot of hormones amplifying the things you're really feeling. And you're still physically hurting. It's all very raw. It sounds like he loves you very much and isn't sure what to do and knows he messed up in terms of caring for you, but isn't sure how to make it right. And I would also guess that he's also grieving - for his family, for this baby that will never be... It's a lot.

I think you should give yourself lots and lots of room to be upset and feel all the feelings that you're feeling and let yourself experience them without judging yourself. And let your dh apologize and just try to sit with that. And do whatever you can to take care of yourself. And then, when he returns and you're physically healed, then evaluate where you are. Maybe you'll need some counseling to work this out. Or maybe not. Give yourself time to feel sad.

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Just now, fairfarmhand said:

I think you’re probably madder about him leaving you at this time than about his telling others. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. This was a big deal. 

You had a baby.

you lost a baby.

you had SURGERY. 

He was gone for all of this.

hes experienced 2 losses as well. 

But the loss for you is deeper than for him in all likelihood because he hasn’t seen what you’ve had to go through. He doesn’t have a clue and some people don’t “get” other people’s pain until they experience it firsthand.

im not excusing Him, but I don’t think any of this is coming from a malicious place, more of a stupid and clueless place.

he should’ve been there.

you should’ve felt more comfortable telling him this stuff “I need you here.”

and you need to start saying out loud what you need from him. He sounds like a decent guy who’s just on a totally different wavelength from you. “If she needed me here, she would’ve said something.” 

He is a very good person and a good dad.  I do know he loves me but why doesnt it help right now?

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Reading through this brings back the very raw, very hormonal emotions I had after my d&c.  I've have multiple miscarriages but the d&c was the hardest.  I think with the others the hormone levels dropped more evenly but with the d&c, your body gets the immediate message the pregnancy is over and those hormones just plummet.  Which just totally reeks havoc on your emotions when you are already at the breaking point.  You've been through a lot the last 3 weeks and right now, I think the changes are really clouding your judgement on things.  Yes your husband made a mistake in not honoring your wishes about how to handle this but please don't forget your husband is grieving too.  You feel it more accutely because it's your body and he might never say a word or show you an emotion but I promise you he feels it too.  I always felt like my husband was unaffected by them but years later I learned the truth.  He was trying to be strong and help me but when he first heard, he went out and cried too.  I always thought he just didn't care but the truth was he was deeply hurt too but was afraid that showing that hurt would add to my sorrow.  So maybe he was ignoring your wishes, or maybe this part of his way to process his own grief,  maybe he needed to talk it out with someone who could just listen to him and his family was his safe place.  It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt you, he apologized but I sense right now, you are too deep in grief (and that is totally understandable and normal) to see his side of things.  I know it's very hard right now but you can get through this together.

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2 minutes ago, parent said:

 

Well, I would have told him to go, but I was upset he didnt offer to stay.  I actually texted this and more at beginning of his first trip much before his dads situation deteriorated.

"I am irritated that you act unconcerned at home and didnt even offer to stay home. I would have told you to still go because I'm so nice, but gosh, you could have expressed some concern for me in a dangerous and unpleasant situation."

 

See....you should NOT tell him to go if you want him to stay. You should say, "I need you to stay, because I'm in a dangerous and unpleasant situation and need your support". If you want him to stay, say he should stay. I get that you were trying to be nice, but sometimes that backfires. I hope this doesn't sound mean - I only recognize it because I used to do it myself. He may very well have thought that if it was truly that dangeorus you would have of course told him to stay, and since you didn't, it must be okay to go. 

So please, ask for what you need. I know we as women are socialized and conditioned to not do that, and wait for our knight in shining armor to just guess and offer. But that isn't nice, not really, because in the end we are upset with them and have basically set them up to fail. 

Again, yes, he should have stayed anyway, but it seems like you need to stop expecting him to know, and flat out tell him. That advice, to be truly honest and hold nothing back even if it isn't "nice" was the best marriage advice I ever got. Because it would have been much nicer to flat out say "honey, I need you to stay home. I'm sorry, but I need you here" then rather than to now be unloading how upset you are. He might have been upset about staying home, but much less upset than he is now knowing he hurt you, right? And truly, it is in a way dishonest to say to someone they can go, then be upset if they do. I don't mean you were trying to be dishonest, I can tell you aren't that sort of person, but in the end that is what it is and realize that is what helped me to stop doing it. 

Hugs. I'm sorry, this probably isn't the time for advice on being more assertive, so feel free to file this away for later. But for now, do be honest with him. 

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You both are grieving. 

And you personally have just been through extreme physical and mental stress.

Take care of yourself. Rest.

The big emotions feel like all that is most real right now; emotions are real, but they aren't everything. And they aren't permanent.

You need time and rest and healing. Don't worry about forgiving, this isn't a time for that.

It is a time to grieve and eventually a time to heal.

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1 minute ago, parent said:

He is a very good person and a good dad.  I do know he loves me but why doesnt it help right now?

Because nothing helps the hurt when you’ve lost someone.

and sometimes people hurt us and it takes time to settle. It’s ok to take time for that.  

Its ok to sit with this stuff for awhile.

and it’s ok to sit down in a few weeks and unpack it all. “ I felt so unimportant to you. Like you didn’t care at all. When hard things happen I wish you’d ask what I need from you. I’m really bad about speaking upfor myself. Can you ask this when I’m struggling?”

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Please consider couples and possibly grief therapy after some time to process and physically heal.  I think this is very hard on both sides.  I was a complete air head when my dad died and made a lot of less than ideal mistakes over the following few months.  I've also had a miscarriage.  It's hard.  I'm sorry.  Sending many hugs.

One thing I've learned with my husband is that he doesn't read minds AT ALL.  If I really need something, I need to state it plainly and emphatically.  He will jump if I do but he might not catch it otherwise.  

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It doesn't help because you're hurting so much. Not just about his leaving, but also about the baby. From a very logical standpoint, your words sound very unfair to him... but I think you have the right to feel that way. This level of grief and terribleness isn't ever logical. Thinking about what a good father and person he is would be logical... but this... you need to work through these emotions before you can get to the logic.

I don't know what it's like in your marriage. In mine, if I was able to get to a place where I could recognize the sort of pure hurt and lack of logic in my emotions, I'd just say that to my dh. That what I needed was to be angry, to rage, and that I needed him to just be there and not take it personally.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is difficult. From how I understand what you have written, it sounds mostly like miscommunication/lack of communication rather than his not caring. Many men don't know much about pregnancy, miscarriage, d&c's, etc., and he really may have just taken you at your word without realizing the emotional and physical aspects of what you are going through. It sounds like he really is sorry, and maybe is a little befuddled and unsure of what you wanted, or even now, want from him. I think that if you are able to both respectfully talk through what all was going through your minds, it will help you find your footing again. He has also just lost his father, so he is dealing with grief over that as well. Give yourselves (both of you) time and space to grieve.

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4 minutes ago, parent said:

He is a very good person and a good dad.  I do know he loves me but why doesnt it help right now?

 

Because you are mentally and physically and emotionally spent, exhausted, drained.

 

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2 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

See....you should NOT tell him to go if you want him to stay. You should say, "I need you to stay, because I'm in a dangerous and unpleasant situation and need your support". If you want him to stay, say he should stay. I get that you were trying to be nice, but sometimes that backfires. I hope this doesn't sound mean - I only recognize it because I used to do it myself. He may very well have thought that if it was truly that dangeorus you would have of course told him to stay, and since you didn't, it must be okay to go. 

So please, ask for what you need. I know we as women are socialized and conditioned to not do that, and wait for our knight in shining armor to just guess and offer. But that isn't nice, not really, because in the end we are upset with them and have basically set them up to fail. 

Again, yes, he should have stayed anyway, but it seems like you need to stop expecting him to know, and flat out tell him. That advice, to be truly honest and hold nothing back even if it isn't "nice" was the best marriage advice I ever got. Because it would have been much nicer to flat out say "honey, I need you to stay home. I'm sorry, but I need you here" then rather than to now be unloading how upset you are. He might have been upset about staying home, but much less upset than he is now knowing he hurt you, right? And truly, it is in a way dishonest to say to someone they can go, then be upset if they do. I don't mean you were trying to be dishonest, I can tell you aren't that sort of person, but in the end that is what it is and realize that is what helped me to stop doing it. 

Hugs. I'm sorry, this probably isn't the time for advice on being more assertive, so feel free to file this away for later. But for now, do be honest with him. 

Well, I also wanted him to go on the first trip because he was going with my brother and nephews and they were all so excited.  I didn't want to ruin it for everyone.

I did want him to go because of them but I wanted him to offer to stay, which he never did... I get what you're saying though.

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I think it will be easier to forgive when you are feeling better physically, and have had time to grieve. Right now you are probably angry at the world, at the universe, at fate, at God perhaps, and all that anger is at least partially being channeled at him right now. Remember how our kids will lash out at us when they are hurt, because we are their safe place? Adults do that too. It is okay to say to him that you know he is sorry, but you are too upset to deal with forgiving him yet. 

And when you are ready to try, what helps me most to forgive someone is to think of all the mistakes I've made in life. I have made some doozies, and I've hurt people, and yet I'm still a pretty good person and I don't want those mistakes to define me. And that helps me realize that the person I'm angry with is the same way - they make mistakes but those mistakes don't define them. And that helps, at least intellectually. 

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I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry your recovery has also been complicated.

It sounds to me like it's never been hashed out completely how you guys relate to his family when they have a crisis/loss with the distance and lack of closeness you mentioned. Then, their crisis times have coincided with difficult times for you, and this round was a doozy of a crisis. Unless there is a history of their being toxic in some way, it seems like this is the second time there has been a terrible confluence of needs on both sides of the equation. That kind of unusual timing is not something on which to make a big judgment about whether priorities were in the right place or not, but I agree with ktgrok that you need to talk it through for the future and with the others that said you need to grieve.

5 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

you should’ve felt more comfortable telling him this stuff “I need you here.”

and you need to start saying out loud what you need from him. He sounds like a decent guy who’s just on a totally different wavelength from you. “If she needed me here, she would’ve said something.” 

Also something I agree with.

I think his spilling the beans was a mistake made under duress. I think his not staying in better communication was really hurtful too. 

1 minute ago, Farrar said:

I don't know what it's like in your marriage. In mine, if I was able to get to a place where I could recognize the sort of pure hurt and lack of logic in my emotions, I'd just say that to my dh. That what I needed was to be angry, to rage, and that I needed him to just be there and not take it personally.

This too.

Again, I am so sorry! I am a little concerned about your having more physical symptoms too (I have not miscarried to know if it's a normal progression physically). I hope you will seek additional help if you are having more complications. 

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2 minutes ago, parent said:

Well, I also wanted him to go on the first trip because he was going with my brother and nephews and they were all so excited.  I didn't want to ruin it for everyone.

I did want him to go because of them but I wanted him to offer to stay, which he never did... I get what you're saying though.

I don't know if you are religious, but it was relayed to me a while ago that the commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself...NOT love your neighbor MORE than yourself. Some people need to learn to love their neighbor as much as they do themselves..others need to learn to love themselves as much as they do others. Sounds like you are in the latter category. Which makes you an excellent caregiver but please remember to care for yourself. It isn't selfish to "ruin" a good time when something tragic happens. You deserve support. I'm sorry you didn't get it. I wish I could help you in person. 

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3 minutes ago, kbutton said:

 

Again, I am so sorry! I am a little concerned about your having more physical symptoms too (I have not miscarried to know if it's a normal progression physically). I hope you will seek additional help if you are having more complications. 

I am distressed about the bleeding and pain starting again and feel I overdid it on Thanksgiving and brought it on myself.  I just couldn't not help as the hostess has her own health issues

I am waiting to call dr until Monday.  Maybe it will subside.

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Well, this was already therapeutic.   I think I'll delete the top post as it would break his heart to somehow see it.  I just hate to talk to any in real life about it.  I try to be stoic and I don't want people to make me cry or to feel that they're thinking of it when they see me.   

I am going to avoid the discussion when he returns, but I'll not be cold or raging.

Thank you all.  This was truly helpful.

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Just now, parent said:

I am distressed about the bleeding and pain starting again and feel I overdid it on Thanksgiving and brought it on myself.  I just couldn't not help as the hostess has her own health issues

I am waiting to call dr until Monday.  Maybe it will subside.

I hope all is well soon. Take care of yourself! 

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I'm so sorry. 

I will say I was an awful person when my dad died. Dh once told me that the fact we didn't divorce that year meant nothing could split us up. It was awful. 

A few years later I had a miscarriage and dh's brother died. He didn't leave because we packed up the kids and all went together but neither of us was there for each other the way we wanted or hoped to be. 

It took time and realizing each of us was grieving and needed to be able to do so. It wasn't easy but we made it through. We are closer now than we were then but it took work. And counseling. And learning to say the hard stuff and trust it will be OK.

Again, I'm so sorry. I hope you take it easy on yourself and know it's ok to feel what you feel right now.

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But why are you going to avoid the discussion? I mean, I understand it hurts and there is real grief, but I would sob in my husband's arms, not try to avoid it. I'm not trying to be mean to you when you are hurting so badly. But getting on the same page means being honest. Not raging and hurting him back, but not hiding your grief from him, either. He could probably use a good cry and being held himself; he's had a lot of hard things happen too.

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I’m sorry for your loss.  And for the communication issues with dh that is making it even harder 😞   Your dh sounds very upset, apologetic and confused.  I would hug him and cry and tell him what you said here.  That you wished he knew how much you needed him and what a huge deal this miscarriage is and how lonely you felt going through it without him.  And that you are sorry you didn’t spell it out and will work on that.  And would he try to double check before taking you at face value and see underneath.  And that you’ll both work on communication together.  

I spent many early years of my marriage wishing my husband could just tell what I wanted him to do or say. I didn’t think I needed to spell things out so clearly.  Surely if he loved me as he said, he could read my heart and mind and know how I was feeling and what I needed!! It was a lot of years of hurt and resentment and miscommunication. I finally discovered if I just told him in plain English what I needed, he was happy to comply. But if I told him he could do something else, he would take me at face value only. Marriage is tough. I have a good man and it sounds like you do too.  

Hugs.

 

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Sorry for everything you are going through.  You might not be ready for this book now, or ever, but this is the best book I have ever read in grief.

It's Not Fair

 

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21 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

But why are you going to avoid the discussion? I mean, I understand it hurts and there is real grief, but I would sob in my husband's arms, not try to avoid it. I'm not trying to be mean to you when you are hurting so badly. But getting on the same page means being honest. Not raging and hurting him back, but not hiding your grief from him, either. He could probably use a good cry and being held himself; he's had a lot of hard things happen too.

Well because we have 3 kids who are super happy he's back and not about to give us space.

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22 minutes ago, matrips said:

I’m sorry for your loss.  And for the communication issues with dh that is making it even harder 😞   Your dh sounds very upset, apologetic and confused.  I would hug him and cry and tell him what you said here.  That you wished he knew how much you needed him and what a huge deal this miscarriage is and how lonely you felt going through it without him.  And that you are sorry you didn’t spell it out and will work on that.  And would he try to double check before taking you at face value and see underneath.  And that you’ll both work on communication together.  

I spent many early years of my marriage wishing my husband could just tell what I wanted him to do or say. I didn’t think I needed to spell things out so clearly.  Surely if he loved me as he said, he could read my heart and mind and know how I was feeling and what I needed!! It was a lot of years of hurt and resentment and miscommunication. I finally discovered if I just told him in plain English what I needed, he was happy to comply. But if I told him he could do something else, he would take me at face value only. Marriage is tough. I have a good man and it sounds like you do too.  

Hugs.

 

 

He is pretty good, but I do wish he understood my thought process more.

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Oh, well, of course you wouldn't talk about those matters in front of them. I thought you meant you would just put on a happy face and not address things at all. Waiting until it is possible to have privacy is a different matter. I fear my comments are coming across as harsh and mean, but that is not how I am thinking them. 

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50 minutes ago, parent said:

He is pretty good, but I do wish he understood my thought process more.

I wish that too, but I wouldn’t count on it happening.  It has nothing to do with love or goodness. It’s just a bit of a fantasy to expect anyone to really know what we are thinking, especially if we are saying or acting differently.  

I pray for healing for both of you.  Physically and emotionally.  I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through.

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We had a good long hug.  He said he was sorry.  I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cry.  Later tonight I'll clearly apologize for text raging at him.  Then he sat on the sofa for awhile with me and held my hand while the kids bounced around saying about 93 times, "Dad, you're home, can you get out the Christmas stuff!!"  And another long hug, and he finally took them away to the garage to unpack the jollification.

His presence makes me feel so much safer.  Like I've been terrified that I will start having massive contractions (before I got d&c) and hemorrhaging and how would i get to the ER and what would happen to kids?  My brother lives a good half hour away.  I am a worrier and I have been so scared. 

I know he loves me and I do love him and how we normally are together.  I still am unhappy that he told his mother and sister.  It does feel like an invasion of privacy.  I'm not furious though.  I feel calmly unhappy because they know and they gossip about their family members to me (an outsider) so why wouldn't they gossip about me to others. They arent malicious so much as chatter-y though.  I just don't like it.  I will get over this too though.

I feel so awful that I felt like I hated him and never wanted to see him again.  That doesn't seem normal.  

I think all will be well between us, it's mending.  Thank you.

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20 minutes ago, parent said:

I feel so awful that I felt like I hated him and never wanted to see him again.  That doesn't seem normal.

I actually think it’s more normal than we realize.  Think of all the stories of hormonal teenagers and parents.  Hormones are pretty powerful.  You’ve got a hefty hormonal change with what you just went through. And maybe you’ll go through similar feelings during menopause. But maybe next time you’ll recognize for what it is, and it won’t be as frightening or bewildering.  Hold on to the love and the communication.  I’m so glad he’s home now for you and it sounds good. 🙂

 

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1 hour ago, parent said:

 

I feel so awful that I felt like I hated him and never wanted to see him again.  That doesn't seem normal.  

I think all will be well between us, it's mending.  Thank you.

Sometimes we just have to accept our feelings as feelings. You've been stressed and scared and hurting physically and emotionally. Our brains can go into a kind of emotional overdrive with really big and scary feelings and then we try to figure out how our environment is causing those feelings and what we can do about it--"my husband is causing these painful feelings, I never want to see him again" when in fact the feelings are just there, coming from inside us, maybe from a brain that had just had too much to cope with, maybe driven by hormones, reactive to circumstances certainly but usually mostly about what we are experiencing inside not what someone else has control over.

There is a coping approach that involves recognizing the feeling, like "I am feeling betrayed and really, really angry" and just accept that that is indeed what you are feeling. Not trying to analyze all the reasons you are feeling that way, or figure out how to fix everything that is wrong. Just accept the feeling as a feeling, neither more nor less.

Certainly feelings are not something to feel guilty about. 

Apologizing for the texts sounds good, it seems he has already apologized several times.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

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I didn’t see the original post but wanted to say how sorry I am.  

 

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4 hours ago, Jaybee said:

Oh, well, of course you wouldn't talk about those matters in front of them. I thought you meant you would just put on a happy face and not address things at all. Waiting until it is possible to have privacy is a different matter. I fear my comments are coming across as harsh and mean, but that is not how I am thinking them. 

I am just rereading all these and missed this post before.  I didn't think anyone was harsh and all really helped my frame of mind. 

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also, just an FYI, as to why it is hard to forgive right away -

In my schooling to be a veterinary technician I learned that cats when stressed or scared have high levels of stress hormones, like cortisol, in their system for up to 48 hours after the scary thing is gone. So that a cat that was scared say, at the vet, may hours and hours later bite their owner seemingly out of the blue. That you just have to wait for their biology to clear those stress hormones before they will act like their normal selves. Some cats clear the stress hormones faster than others, so it's a matter of waiting. 

This made me realize that my husband, who even after a problem is fixed stays grumpy for hours, sometimes a full day or so, isn't being a jerk, he just has high stress hormones still. He needs to have those out of his system before he will feel himself. So logically he knows the problem is fixed, but his body still is in fight or flight mode for that amount of time and no amount of me talking to him rationally is going to make those chemicals leave his body any faster. 

Same with you. you have a ton of stress hormones in your body right now, and it will take a while for those to clear. until then, it will be hard to forgive or feel better. But it is just biology, not you being awful or anything. Promise. 

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5 hours ago, parent said:

I did want him to go because of them but I wanted him to offer to stay, which he never did... I get what you're saying though.

 

I have in-laws who are “attention seeking” and my husband is too polite to call them out. So what I had to do to cope was to literally spend money making my life easier while my husband tends to his attention seeking parents. So when his parents insist on him driving them around to shop, I just use UberX on trips with our kids that he would have normally drove them to (e.g weekly tennis lessons). I used to use public transport but ended up exhausted and sick, annoyed with my in-laws and frustrated with my husband. Taking public transport both ways means 4hrs on public transport versus 1hr in UberX. Our kids time is important too and my husband could afford the >$30 per trip (about $70 round trip, sometimes more when demand for Uber is high). I think when we took public transport there and back, my husband just unintentionally took it for granted that our kids’ time aren’t important. 

ETA:

My oncologist did mentioned that my husband didn’t come for the last few appointments (every 3 weeks) with me. If my husband turns up for my next oncologist appointment, he’ll probably get a sarcastic lecture from my oncologist.

Hugs. Hoping that you heal well and fast physically. Mentally and emotionally it takes time 😞

Edited by Arcadia

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Oh, regarding you wanting him to be better at knowing what you want, where you are coming from, etc - the more you verbalize your thoughts the sooner that will happen. Right now he's operating blind. But if for the next year you are committed to being open and honest about your true thoughts and feelings he will be able to hopefully pick up on the trends, on the patterns, and then might surprise you by knowing what you want a lot better than he does now. 

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Have you ever met with a mental health counselor OP? I think some counseling might be helpful to get you through this challenging time.

I am personally concerned about you being underweight; that is not healthy for your body or your mind. Do you find yourself worrying a lot about weight?

Edited by maize
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I don't have a mental weight disorder.  I really wanted to just get fit and start running races by next summer and feel strong.  I was so happy with what I had accomplished.  I didn't want to quit exercising because I feel so much better when I exercise in the morning.  I just have more energy and a better attitude the entire day.  I really think it's the best thing for mental health and really hate that I can't exercise now.  Maybe half of the current pain (like my back pain) is from laying around doing nothing.  Anyway, my thought process was to cut workouts from around 45 min to 30 and allow more bad stuff, like butter back into diet in moderation.

I know the weight numbers are low but i tried to explain that I'm very small framed.  Really, 8 lbs isnt usually a lot to lose, but it was a significant change in body composition also because I'm petite.  Anyway, I delighted to be in athlete fitness category but it's just now bothersome because it makes me feel like it contributed to the miscarriage.

Just had a short but nice and loving phone call with husband.

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7 minutes ago, parent said:

I don't have a mental weight disorder.  I really wanted to just get fit and start running races by next summer and feel strong.  I was so happy with what I had accomplished.  I didn't want to quit exercising because I feel so much better when I exercise in the morning.  I just have more energy and a better attitude the entire day.  I really think it's the best thing for mental health and really hate that I can't exercise now.  Maybe half of the current pain (like my back pain) is from laying around doing nothing.  Anyway, my thought process was to cut workouts from around 45 min to 30 and allow more bad stuff, like butter back into diet in moderation.

I know the weight numbers are low but i tried to explain that I'm very small framed.  Really, 8 lbs isnt usually a lot to lose, but it was a significant change in body composition also because I'm petite.  Anyway, I delighted to be in athlete fitness category but it's just now bothersome because it makes me feel like it contributed to the miscarriage.

Just had a short but nice and loving phone call with husband.

Personally, I don't believe you contributed to the miscarriage in any way, shape or form.

Look into Tai Chi, yoga, and walking if that's possible. Believe me, I know what it means to need to run 3 miles and be stuck in bed, but there are things you can be doing.

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I didn't see the first post, but I have had many losses.  It wasn't your fault.  It wasn't that you were too thin.  I get the need to blame yourself, but it's not true.  In the past few years I saw that one study came out that said most unexplained miscarriages may be due to abnormal sperm, even ones that are abnormal in ways that couldn't be easily detected before. It could be from something as simple as the father's age or taking a few showers that were too hot at any point in the 90 days before conception.

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I have a threatened miscarriage with my first and a water bag leak leading to hospitalization with my second. I am 5’2” and usually under 97lbs. My gynecologists have said that my weight did not increase my risk of miscarriage and I did lose more weight during the first trimester both times. I only gained pregnancy weight from the second trimester onwards. 

Health is complicated and there are no clear answers to medical issues. 

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