Alcohol and minors at family events

[school17777]

Do you have family members encourage your underage teens to drink at family events?

Someone offered 19yo dd a drink and I said no.  Then mil jumps in and tells me it’s fine, blah, blah.  Dd just laughed and was fine with me saying no, although I’m sure (I know) she would partake at school or if I wasn’t there.  Mil kept insisting that it was fine.  

Does this happen at your gatherings?

[EmseB]

I don't find it odd to offer an adult a beer or other beverage in a private home during a celebration. I don't have a problem with older teens/young adults having something like that with a celebratory meal or toast or something.

I happen to think the drinking age in the US is ridiculous, and no one in my family struggles with alcoholism, if that matters.

[regentrude]

My extended family lives in a country where there is no drinking age and moderate consumption of alcoholic beverages by teens is part of the normal family culture. I wouldn't think twice about my parents offering my teen a beer (after age 16, he could, in fact, go out an purchase one himself)

In my state in the US, it is legal for parents and guardians to serve their minor children alcohol in moderation. I find the drinking age ridiculous and just encouraging alcohol consumption because it makes acquiring booze into a sport.

ETA: To clarify: if my extended family had a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, my stance would be different. 

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[Guest]

I have had that conflict, but not really in the overt manner you describe. One of my SILs kept assuring me she was fine with it if my not-yet-legal, college son drank beer at her event. I said, nevertheless, *I* am not fine with him being a bad example to the younger cousins (and his brother), and I very well remember how much it bothered me when the older cousins were being a bad example to mine. 

For full disclosure, I allowed some alcohol, but required it to be in a cup. I’m sure some would find that hair-splitting, but it remains that I’m not comfortable flouting the legal age so obviously as if he were sitting there, drinking a beer straight from the bottle. 

 

[HomeAgain]

Yes, but not while I'm there.
Oldest ds was offered a beer while on vacation with his uncle.  He was 19.  He drank it, and honestly told us about it later. He declined the rest of the weekend, it just wasn't his thing.   Uncle wouldn't have dared ask if we were there, mostly because he thinks I'm a super strict parent who runs the house like a military school and he's a bit scared of that.  😄  That couldn't be farther from the truth, on a lot of things.  On alcohol, we've always had a policy of discussing it openly and allowing our children to learn about alcohol both from a distance and tasting for themselves when we've lived in places where it was legal for them to do so.  Ds has grown up knowing how to pair wines, what to do when out with friends, how to be responsible...most frightening conversation I ever had was when my phone went off at 2am with a text from ds, thanking me for teaching him all this.  He backed out of a situation because he couldn't get the rest to go along with him.  Instead, the other three took off for a party, drank too much, and took off down the freeway.  An accident later and after a hospital stay one went on probation and two lost stripes.  DS was okay.  My kid was fine because we never made alcohol cool.  We taught how to assess the situation.  How to toe the line and make his own decisions given the risk.

[MEmama]

I was always offered wine or beer on special occasions, and very frequently just at normal family dinners. I’ve never liked wine and never wanted to drink it, much to the dismay and derision of my parents. I did, however, enjoy ordering myself a margarita at the bar when they took me to Mexico when I was 16. 😉 

I think the legal age to drink in this country is profoundly stupid; it’s the oldest in the western world IIRC. I would much, much rather my kid learn responsible drinking in a normal, organic way at home than when he’s reached some arbitrary age.

[regentrude]

27 minutes ago, StellaM said:

In my dd1's case, she doesn't always want to have to say no and explain why - it's nobody's business why she avoids alcohol, and no-one should put her in the position of having to justify her choice. If people consider a teen or young person old enough to drink, they can also consider them old enough to initiate getting a drink without having someone else push it on them.

Completely agree: people should not push drink on a person, and nobody should be expected to give a justification why they don't drink. A simple "no thanks" should suffice. I am often the person who declines. This said: I see a difference between pushing and offering once. (I consider the latter good hostess manners*, unless I know that a certain guest never drinks alcohol, in which case I do not offer). But yeah, pressuring or demanding explanations is not cool.

ETA: * To clarify: I am talking here about offering to a person of legal drinking age, like Stella's dd1. I am not offering alcohol to other parent's underage children

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Completely agree: people should not push drink on a person, and nobody should be expected to give a justification why they don't drink. A simple "no thanks" should suffice. I am often the person who declines. This said: I see a difference between pushing and offering once. (I consider the latter good hostess manners, unless I know that a certain guest never drinks alcohol, in which case I do not offer).

IMO, no adult should offer alcohol to underage people directly. They should always defer to that person’s parent(s). I don’t consider it good hosting manners to offer anything illegal. 

I say that despite my personal opinion thinking the way it’s done in France is better and I think 21 is way later than it sensibly should be. 

Definitely, no pushing past a decline or trying to rationalize it, for people of any age. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

19 is not a minor though under 21 are not allowed to purchase alcohol. 

[J-rap]

No matter what one's thoughts are about the legal alcohol age here in the U.S., I think it's absolutely wrong that MIL kept pushing it.  

In our family, it might be politely offered once in some settings (and that would be very, very rare), but no one would try and argue the parent's rule and keep pushing it.  That would really bother me.

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, StellaM said:

Offering alcohol to minors just normalised a culture that expects people will drink.

Minors shouldn't be put in the position of having to say 'no thanks'. 

Just my opinion.

Yes, offering somebody a drink assumes that drinking alcoholic beverages is something many people do. But I view it as no different than offering cake or coffee. At the family and friend gatherings throughout my life, some of the people consume alcoholic beverages in moderation. Until I was 50, I have never witnessed anybody drinking to the point of intoxication. (that first time, this year, in a circle composed of alcoholics, was truly shocking) So yes, alcohol has been a normal part of my culture of origin for centuries, and most people can handle it just fine. (Again, as I said earlier, I am speaking form the position of somebody with no incidences of alcoholism or substance abuse disorder in the family history)

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

19 is not a minor though under 21 are not allowed to purchase alcohol. 

I’m sure you know she meant under the legal age, even if a 19yo is not a minor. It’s not just purchasing alcohol, at least where I live; it’s consumption too. Adults can’t stand in a liquor store, buy beer, and then hand it to their underage kid. 

 

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Yes, offering somebody a drink assumes that drinking alcoholic beverages is something many people do. But I view it as no different than offering cake or coffee. At the family and friend gatherings throughout my life, some of the people consume alcoholic beverages in moderation. Until I was 50, I have never witnessed anybody drinking to the point of intoxication. (that first time, this year, in a circle composed of alcoholics, was truly shocking) So yes, alcohol has been a normal part of my culture of origin for centuries, and most people can handle it just fine. (Again, as I said earlier, I am speaking form the position of somebody with no incidences of alcoholism or substance abuse disorder in the family history)

I don’t see it as the same as offering cake or coffee because those things are not illegal. I see it as similar to offering weed (where that is illegal). 

 

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, Quill said:

IMO, no adult should offer alcohol to underage people directly. They should always defer to that person’s parent(s). I don’t consider it good hosting manners to offer anything illegal. 

My comment was in response to a poster whose young adult is of legal drinking age and who stated that people should not offer alcoholic beverages.

Just to clarify: I would never offer alcohol to other parents' underage children (in fact, I refrain from serving alcohol at all when I am hosting gatherings with predominantly underage guests). I do, however, offer it to my guests of age when I serve alcohol at the event at all.

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

I don’t see it as the same as offering cake or coffee because those things are not illegal. I see it as similar to offering weed (where that is illegal). 

please see clarification in my response to you that I just posted

[Guest]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

please see clarification in my response to you that I just posted

I see that, and I’m glad for your clarification. Stella did say, though, “Minors should not be put in a position to say ‘no thanks’”, which is why I thought that’s what we were talking about. 

Of age = good manners to offer, unless you already know the person never drinks.

Underage = should not be offered alcohol directly; parents should be the spokesperson for what they permit, and if it is declined, that should be the last word. 

[EmseB]

I should clarify my answer and state that no one should push *anyone* to accept a drink regardless of age. Also, if the family culture is such where in-laws don't already know if it's okay with parents, they shouldn't offer without asking the parent first, although at 19, l think the choice to drink or not isn't going to fall to the parent anyway. At 19, the individual has to make the choice to follow the law or not.

[KungFuPanda]

"Underage" is a legal definition for sales.  This doesn't translate to it being illegal or immoral to serve someone under that age at a private family event.  I would never be shocked or outraged if someone offered my older teens, especially when they are legal adults, some wine with dinner.  The kid says "Yes, please" or "No, thank you" and we leave it at that.  

I think problems come in when you have an extremist view on alcohol at either end.  It can create a weirdly unhealthy or fearful relationship with alcohol that doesn't really crop up when people have a family culture of responsible use.   

[EmseB]

1 minute ago, Arctic Mama said:

In the parent’s home? No. In a neutral venue? Maybe.  I’m not comfortable with it but it would at least be a reasonable idea.

Sure, my house, my rules. If I'm not comfortable with a 19yo having a beer, then they won't. Easy.  But at another venue, if someone offers and they are over 18? Barring some specific circumstances I'm not going to make that choice for them at that age.

[Pen]

I’ve been having a change in view on this.  My family culture allowed light social drinking at gatherings, including teens.  And religious communion type sip including children.

And we didn’t have alcohol addiction problems.

But with all the addiction I’m seeing around me— alcohol, vaping, pot, and probably worse things, I am feeling like possibly abstaining longer is better... 

[KungFuPanda]

7 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

It’s not extremist to say “don’t drink until you’re legal”.  It’s really basic and straightforward with a worldview that supports consistent respect for governing authorities unless the law is sinful or immoral or completely impractical to follow in the current age.

That isn’t a culture of fear - nonsense and insulting.  Responsible use by adults doesn’t somehow automatically translate to offering to children or adults under the legal age.  We aren’t big drinkers as adults, either, but beer and wine and such is consumed sparingly and regularly.  There is exposure to it, and a very basic ground rule - you can have some, if you want, when you’re 21.  
 

TADAAAA! 😒

The situation described by the OP wasn't an illegal one.  The grandmother shouldn't have pushed when the daughter declined.  She REALLY shouldn't have argued about it with the mother.  However, in a private home, it IS legal for a teenager to consume a drink offered by a family member.  It's probably best practices that that family member be a parent or spouse since state laws may vary, but it's legal.  Nobody is being sneaky or skirting the law here. 

[Pen]

36 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Yes, offering somebody a drink assumes that drinking alcoholic beverages is something many people do. But I view it as no different than offering cake or coffee. At the family and friend gatherings throughout my life, some of the people consume alcoholic beverages in moderation. Until I was 50, I have never witnessed anybody drinking to the point of intoxication. (that first time, this year, in a circle composed of alcoholics, was truly shocking) So yes, alcohol has been a normal part of my culture of origin for centuries, and most people can handle it just fine. (Again, as I said earlier, I am speaking form the position of somebody with no incidences of alcoholism or substance abuse disorder in the family history)

 

Wow!  You hadn’t ever seen that before? 

Including not students in university?  I don’t know where you teach, but where I attended and other universities I have been familiar with, both USA and UK iirc though maybe not quite as bad, drinking to intoxication is a common thing. 

[MEmama]

4 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Wow!  You hadn’t ever seen that before? 

Including not students in university?  I don’t know where you teach, but where I attended and other universities I have been familiar with, both USA and UK iirc though maybe not quite as bad, drinking to intoxication is a common thing. 

Yeah, the worst examples of public drunkenness that I’ve seen were in Germany, Italy and of course on US college campuses. And *everywhere* we’ve been and lived in Canada. 

I can't imagine living to 50 and not seeing someone intoxicated and stupid. Lucky person who has! 😉 (although seeing it as a kid sure taught me how terribly lame over drinking makes a person behave, so good life lessons I guess). 

[regentrude]

13 minutes ago, Pen said:

Wow!  You hadn’t ever seen that before? 

Including not students in university?  I don’t know where you teach, but where I attended and other universities I have been familiar with, both USA and UK iirc though maybe not quite as bad, drinking to intoxication is a common thing. 

No, seriously, I had never seen a friend or acquaintance drunk before this year. Not when I was a college student myself (we did drink wine in our circle of friends, but nobody got ever drunk; I didn't have friends who were heavy drinkers.) and not as faculty (I know of course that some students drink to excess, but I am not hanging out at their parties to witness that, and the ones who are showing up to my classes are not visibly intoxicated.)

ETA: Please note that I never claimed drunkenness does not exist. I merely stated that I had not personally witnessed a visibly intoxicated person until recently.

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[MEmama]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

No, seriously, I had never seen a friend or acquaintance drunk before this year. Not when I was a college student myself (we did drink wine in our circle of friends, but nobody got ever drunk; I didn't have friends who were heavy drinkers.) and not as faculty (I know of course that some students drink to excess, but I am not hanging out at their parties to witness that, and they ones who are showing up to my classes are not visibly intoxicated.)

Wow! 👍

Edited November 29, 2019 by MEmama

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, StellaM said:

It may be very different where Regentrude lives, but academia here is full of high-functioning alcoholics.

Can be very charming and seem quite sober at events (having a tolerance for alcohol can do that for you).

Being of a high social status does not protect people from alcoholism, or from being harmed by alcoholics. Plenty of faculty wives and husbands dealing with a very different face at home.

And yes, student drinking is high, often binge drinking. 

I never disputed that high functioning alcoholics exist, and I never claimed that high social status wards off alcoholism.

I merely stated that I had never witnessed anybody drinking to the point of intoxication until recently. (ETA: Which, I think, is why I was so violently disturbed and disconcerted by the experience)

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[Pen]

4 minutes ago, regentrude said:

No, seriously, I had never seen a friend or acquaintance drunk before this year. Not when I was a college student myself (we did drink wine in our circle of friends, but nobody got ever drunk; I didn't have friends who were heavy drinkers.) and not as faculty (I know of course that some students drink to excess, but I am not hanging out at their parties to witness that, and they ones who are showing up to my classes are not visibly intoxicated.)

ETA: Please note that I never claimed drunkenness does not exist. I merely stated that I had not personally witnessed a visibly intoxicated person until recently.

 

I believe you.

And I am amazed!   

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Pen said:

I believe you.

And I am amazed!   

And I was amazed and completely shocked when I found myself in a situation earlier this year where I was the only sober person surrounded by people bingeing to the point of black-out drunkenness. I would say it was one of the most disconcerting experiences I ever had, and I found it difficult to come to terms with it. It may sound ridiculous how disorienting I found the whole thing. Should be used to that by my ripe age, right? Nope. It was bizarre and unlike anything I had ever seen. 

Edited November 29, 2019 by regentrude

[SKL]

My kids are allowed if they want to, at a family event where I am present.  They are 12/13.

This agrees with state law here.

Personally I would rather my kids experiment with alcohol in a very safe environment than wait until they can get it at college (or wherever) when surrounded by people who don't actually care about them.

[school17777]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

19 is not a minor though under 21 are not allowed to purchase alcohol. 

I meant underage, and she is technically not out on her own yet

[Pen]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

And I was amazed and completely shocked when I found myself in a situation earlier this year where I was the only sober person surrounded by people bingeing to the point of black-out drunkenness. I would say it was one of the most disconcerting experiences I ever had, and I found it difficult to come to terms with it. It may sound ridiculous how disorienting I found the whole thing. Should be used to that by my ripe age, right? Nope. It was bizarre and unlike anything I had ever seen. 

 

I’ve been aware of / had experience of that since ... I don’t know ... a long time.    It remains fairly distressing IME, though some who do it seem to find it quite normal.  

[Pen]

48 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

Raise the age of the other things.

 

 I agree.  🤗  Or have a standard older age of majority, but where it’s possible to get an earlier majority for teens who are ready. 

 

 

[Corraleno]

I've never lived in a state where it was illegal for kids to have a little alcohol at home with parental permission, and I spent 10 years in England and France, where it's quite common. Whenever we visit my in-laws in the UK, if the adults are all drinking beer and wine, the kids would be offered a shandy (half beer, half lemonade — heavy on the lemonade for younger kids), and I've never had a problem with that. When I was a kid we were allowed to have a little beer, especially on a hot day. (Anyone else remember those little 7 oz Rolling Rock bottles?).

The drinking age was 18 when I grew up, and I think it's stupid that 18 year olds have all the rights and responsibilities of an adult but can't even have a beer. It just leads to hidden binge-drinking and prevents people from calling for help when needed. 

[school17777]

43 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

The situation described by the OP wasn't an illegal one.  The grandmother shouldn't have pushed when the daughter declined.  She REALLY shouldn't have argued about it with the mother.  However, in a private home, it IS legal for a teenager to consume a drink offered by a family member.  It's probably best practices that that family member be a parent or spouse since state laws may vary, but it's legal.  Nobody is being sneaky or skirting the law here. 

 

In the state we were in, consuming alcohol in a private residence is only ok with the parent’s consent, which I did not give for various reasons.  I didn’t expect to have to argue with my mil about it especially after the history with other gc which she also “encouraged” drinking so she can be the cool gma.  The kids already think that of her, so no need for her to do this.

[MEmama]

2 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

This is my mom's motivation too. 

Not OK. Your MIL should have asked you, privately, if you were OK with her offering alcohol to your teen.  And if you said no, she should have respected that, and only offered non-alcoholic beverages to dd. Her desire to be cool does not over-ride your parental comfort. 

To be fair, her “teen” is considered an adult in this country; she does not need anyone’s approval nor is it every families culture to expect that to be the case (not that family culture matters, because again, she’s an actual adult). Again, even though the US has profoundly archaic drinking laws, the person in question is not a “teen” or a child, she is a functional, legal adult. I personally would be MORTIFIED if someone deferred to me in asking something of my adult kid. THAT, to me, would NOT be okay. 

I know you totally disagree that’s ok. I’ll never agree with your hardline stance that takes your personal experience and tries to enforce it on everyone. Sure some people can’t handle alcohol or want any for reasons and obviously that’s fine, but most people can and do and that’s ok too. 

[Laura Corin]

Even at a restaurant, a 16yo can legally drink with food in the UK.

I would expect someone 18 or older to make their own decisions 

Edited November 29, 2019 by Laura Corin

[KathyBC]

3 hours ago, school17777 said:

Do you have family members encourage your underage teens to drink at family events?

Someone offered 19yo dd a drink and I said no.  Then mil jumps in and tells me it’s fine, blah, blah.  Dd just laughed and was fine with me saying no, although I’m sure (I know) she would partake at school or if I wasn’t there.  Mil kept insisting that it was fine.  

Does this happen at your gatherings?

No, this does not happen at our family gatherings.
Since 19 is legal here I would not expect to consulted. The only situation I can see jumping in might be if advice seemed necessary (e.g. Don't you have a test tomorrow? Do you have a ride?) And then it would still be their decision.
MIL's insistent arguing with you seems like poor manners. If you are sure your dd would have partaken except in deference to you, though, then I can see why you might want some reassurance. How confusing to navigate the letting go process when the drinking laws do not match up to the rest of the responsibilities of the average 19 yo.

[Shoeless]

These kinds of threads make me crazy because so many people chime in with "Well, in Germany/France/Sweden/Europe, it's legal, therefore the OP who is posting from the US is just being uptight".  We do not have the same laws in the US as other countries, so it really doesn't matter how often you were served wine at Sunday dinner in Spain when you were 15. 

Choosing not to drink alcohol is a valid life choice.  It doesn't mean you are uptight and controlling if you abstain or decline to permit your under-21 kids to drink on your watch.  The law is written such that under-21s can drink only with parental or spousal permission/supervision. The parent declined. There's no provision that says "But cool grandma gets to override that decision and mom just has to deal with it".   

  

Edited November 30, 2019 by MissLemon

[Carrie12345]

No, I have not seen an adult offer an underaged person a drink at a family event. And I come from a family where every event involves alcohol and no one bats an eye at that.

I *was once offered alcohol by an adult (family friend, mom of my friend) at a random event when I was underage.

I was also occasionally allowed alcohol when I was 18/19/20... by my parent. No other family member tried to make that call.

I grew up in a state where you could drink at home with a parent’s permission. The state I live in now does not legally allow that, and I happen to think that’s stupid.  I haven’t really served my teens any drinks, but I’ve allowed one to taste one.  I don’t think it’s very wise to let 21yos loose with zero experience if they’re going to wind up drinking. (I do have an of-age adult child who hasn’t had any interest.)

[73349]

My state does not have exemption for parents' consent or in a private home. (An interesting contrast with the loopholes that allow minors to marry here!) Here's a table of the US state laws, for anybody who's interested: https://alcoholpolicy.niaaa.nih.gov/apis-policy-topics/furnishing-alcohol-to-minors/40

My turkey day hostess quietly mentioned to the mom of the 19yo present that she didn't mind if he had some wine or beer if the mom didn't mind, rather than offering it to him directly, much less pushing. I think it does make sense to check in with a parent first if you're going to be open to that.

DH and I don't drink (nor did we ever), but I don't object to DS drinking in moderation, if he chooses, when he's 21 and has done some research. (Some alcohol products have an ingredient that's unsafe for him anyway.) I do not want him to try it when underage.

[catz]

2 hours ago, EmseB said:

Sure, my house, my rules. If I'm not comfortable with a 19yo having a beer, then they won't. Easy.  But at another venue, if someone offers and they are over 18? Barring some specific circumstances I'm not going to make that choice for them at that age.

Agreed.  As the parent of a 19 year old, I kind of feel we are now beyond me calling the shots for him in a situation like this.  If we were at a private event and someone offered him a drink and he accepted, I would be fine with it.  He goes to a huge public college and I'm quite sure he could have access any day of the week if he wanted it.  He is making good decisions at school and it is reflecting in his grades.  If I thought it were maybe a poor decision for the venue or event, I might talk to him about it later about the why.  If I felt he was making bad decisions and needed more hands on parenting yet, I would provide that.  

And laws on this do vary by state.  This is not totally uncommon in my state.  It's VERY common in a neighboring state.

[J-rap]

I checked our state's law out of curiosity:

A minor may possess or consume alcohol with the permission of his or her parent or legal guardian, but only if in the privacy of that parent's or guardian's home.

[Joker]

I grew up in Texas where alcohol laws are pretty lax. Heck, my parents could (and did) buy us drinks legally when we were out. I think I had my first margarita at a favorite Mexican restaurant when I was about 15. So, it's common in my family.

I didn't allow my own dc to even sip drinks though until about 16. Youngest has zero interest at 18 and I know oldest and his friends share a bottle of wine now and then at his apartment but he doesn't seem overly interested. 

I wouldn't care if someone offered but I would be upset if they were pushy. 

[alisoncooks]

This thread is interesting to me. I come from a long line of teetotalers, LOL, so alcohol at family events is a totally unfamiliar thing. Even my extended family members who do drink, do not bring any to family gatherings. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Stella. Thank you

From another non drinking Aussie opposed to the drinking culture here. 

[Melissa in Australia]

No. Australia's background is not religious immigrants but rather a convict colony. Rum was a currency for a short while.  Lots of drinking is socally acceptable and indeed mostly expected. Unfortunately it is something Australians are well known for

[RootAnn]

My mom thought everyone who had an alcoholic drink was a drunk. The only time I was exposed to drinking was at my cousin's weddings. And they were usually pretty wasted since the drinking started at the pre-wedding pictures. So, I never had this happen.

DH's grandparents would offer him a drink or a smoke from a young age, so he does have experience with this.

Can I see this happening at BIL's house if my dd#1 was there? Maybe. I'd be livid at anyone who offered my minor kids a drink over my objection. I'd be livid at anyone who tried to pressure any of my kids to drink if they'd already said no.

I'd feel sorry for any relative who would have to undergo dd#1's (underage but not of legal age) scornful glare if they tried to push her into drinking something alcoholic. 'Withering glance' doesn't do it justice... 

In the OP's case, I'd be sitting down with Gma & letting her know how out of line her behavior was & that she won't be seeing the grandkids ever again if she ever repeats that behavior. We'd skip family events where she was going to be present, not visit, and not invite her. She can choose if she wants to remain in our lives.

[PrincessMommy]

We have offered wine to our own children in our own home at celebrations/holidays.  I would never ever think to do that to someone else's child... and I CERTAINLY would never insist that the parent was wrong to say no.   That is really what crosses the line to me. 

[mum]

What the parent wants should be listened to and respected. Each gets to decide for themselves. I personally grew up in a country where legal drinking age was 18. In our own home and at grandparents, my under 21 children know that they may have a drink. My own personal opinion is that children should be taught to drink responsibly when they are still living at home. None of mine have lived at home after age 19, either they've lived in the dorm, or independently-they each have been very driven to be independent and self supporting but they know they will always have a home with us if they need or want it. So if we wanted to be the ones to model and instruct and participate in how to drink responsibly, it would have to be to our kids under 21. I feel like making drinking age 21  just encourages kids to sneak drinks. They are going to drink at whatever age, if they are set on having a drink. I think being able to drink openly is healthier. 

We do not have a history of alcoholism in our family. None of us drink more than 2 beers/wine a month, and about half of us don't drink at all, so it's not a huge part of our family culture

[DawnM]

Well, my parents think alcohol is a sin and I grew up with no alcohol anywhere, and we never have alcohol at Thanksgiving.  

But we do have some alcohol in our house and I allow my 19 year old to have a beer if he wants, we just don't allow him to offer it to underage friends in our home.  I can't say as I would have an issue with it at another person's house, but it is inappropriate to push it.

[Chris in VA]

I don't really understand giving kids alcohol with the idea that exposure teaches them to "handle" it and not to drink to the point of harm. Why can't they learn that when they are older? It is statistically no more likely that starting to drink at an older age will lead to binging. In fact the opposite is true. The sooner one is introduced to alcohol, the more potential for brain harm. Giving kids drinks at home is not an innoculation against harmful drinking behaviors. I truly wish that myth would stop being perpetuated. 

I think most don't drink for the taste, like they might for, say,  a soda; they are drinking to experiment with the effect, the feeling. I think being more mature is helpful in setting personal boundaries. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, so those boundaries have to be ery strongly internalized in order to remain intact when drinking. If a parent is saying they will help enforce those boundaries by being present to make sure "nothing happens" then I have to question why they are allowing alcohol in the first place, as I think a person should be mature enough at the start. 

I want my people to feel good in other ways. 

We do have a history of alcoholism--we are loaded for bear in that dept. 

I also think there is a ton of denial of problem drinking in families.