How old were your kids when you stopped purging their room for them?

[Shoeless]

Kiddo is 11 and I still initiate the twice a year purge of his room.  Relatives have been very generous with him, so he gets a LOT of stuff. If I don't go through it twice a year, he'd be buried in books and stuffies. 

I've pulled out 3 big boxes of books, a chair, plus a huge bin of hotwheels cars that has not been touched in over a year. It escaped the last two purges because DS and DH got sentimental and said "Well, maybe those will get played with later...".  Didn't happen.  There is dust on the bin.  There are *easily* 3 more boxes of things I could pull out of there: random art projects, Home Depot Kids crafts, stuffies that haven't seen the light of day in a year, etc. I feel like, if I have to remind him to play with stuff, then it probably needs to go.  Except then he gets annoyed and says "Well, I'll play with it later...".  Or DH will say "Well, I got that for him! You can't just get rid of it!" Ugh. 

If I don't do a twice a year purge, we're over-run with stuff and then DS11 has a hard time making decisions on what to play with or read.  He also seems reluctant to say "I don't want this" when someone gives him their random stuff.  For example, DH gave DS an old bowling ball from when DH was 14.  MIL kept this stupid bowling ball for 33 years and then gave it to DH because she didn't want it anymore.  DH doesn't want it in his closet, so he gave it to DS because "he likes bowling".  The ball is way too heavy for DS to use and the finger holes need to be filled and redrilled.  I'm like, this is dumb. Get rid of the bowling ball!  DS likes bowling, but not enough to warrant his own ball.  But DH is like noooo, I gave him that ball!  Ugh, yeah, because you didn't want it and you didn't want to upset MIL by saying no when she didn't want it!  It's not a precious father-son moment!  You're playing hot potato with a bowling ball!

Am I being a big meanie? How old were your kids when you stopped making the final decision on what stays or goes in their room? 

 

[ktgrok]

My kids are 7 and 9 and they have the final say, but I encourage them and sit there and do the purge with them. I do a guided declutter with them, basically. I remind them how much nicer it is to play with the stuff they love when the stuff they don't love isn't in the way. I also talk a lot about how they don't use it, but some other kid might really love it which encourages them to be generous in donating things. 

[Loowit]

The last purge  we did was when we moved last year, so the kids would have been 17, 15, and almost 13.  I let them decide what goes and what stays, but they are for the most part pretty good about it.  I do get veto power if they are wanting to get rid of something that I would like them to keep but in that case I provide storage area and don't make them keep it in their room.  I don't think I plan to do any more purges for them, now that they are older.  Probably they won't really go through things again until they are moving out of the house.  They each have their own rooms now, and don't collect near as much stuff (toys) anymore.  There were a few things I thought that they would never give up that I couldn't see the value in, but I am glad that I let them decide on it.  I am a very sentimental person myself, so I get where they are coming from.

[J-rap]

hmmm  I guess it depends on the kid.  Several of mine did a pretty good job on their own once in 7th grade or so.  Another seemed to need my help to go through everything and help make decisions until she was probably 16 or 17.  (Otherwise it definitely would not have happened!)  Actually, even in college, things were a mess and she never took the time to organize or get rid of stuff.  (Although I didn't help her anymore.)  She is now 24 though and does it all on her own, so there is hope!!

 

[PeterPan]

You think it's immaturity or executive function issues due to ADHD? The latter was the issue with dd, so it didn't go away, sigh. 

You might have a rule about it comes out, it goes in a box, if you remember and need it back you can ask for it. That way you can make things disappear. 

You can also set limits, like you can have the clutter that fits on these shelves and no more. Keep toys in another location. Why would a child have a BOWLING BALL in their room??? You don't sleep with it, cherish it, dress with it, nor are you comforted by it. That goes is the storage area for sports clutter, and then you declutter it as you see fit. Personally, I'd haul that to goodwill or put it on a sale wall and buy him a more appropriate one. By the time you do those alterations (and he breaks his fingers from the weight), you could have just gotten a proper one. Or store it if you have the room and think he'll legit grow into it. It's ok to keep some sentimental clutter if you have room and it really matters. But not in the poor kid's bedroom, lol. 

On the other stuff, it sounds like you need structure or limits if you want those things stored in his room. When I make a major change, I usually cover it up by replacing it with something. So out with the hotwheels but IN with something else. He might not realize what he'd rather have in there that he'd use more. 

I'd like to tell you to encourage donating, but I've never gotten my kids on board with that. But put it elsewhere and if there's no room then donate. 

[Shoeless]

@PeterPan  I think it's immaturity, mostly.  It wouldn't surprise me if he had some executive functioning issues because everyone in this family has some EF issues to a degree.  In general, having fewer choices is better for me and for him.  Too many choices means I dither around.  Too many choices for him means he won't make a choice.  Combined with overly generous relatives who also guilt him a bit ("Oh, you can't get rid of that! Aunt So-and-so gave you that!") means stuff piles up. 

He did agree to letting go of a huge pile of books and didn't say anything when I pulled the hotwheels cars out.  Zero drama when I took them out.       

I have some stuff that is going to be donated.  I am embarrassed to say that we have gifts from last Christmas in the shrinkwrap, (the relatives bought WAY too much last year).  I am going to bring those things over to Blue Santa.     

 

Edited November 29, 2019 by MissLemon

[Carrie12345]

I can’t actually remember how old some of them were!  I haven’t touched my dds’ room in years, though I’ve been threatening to lately because it’s insane.  I still do the boys’ (12 and about to be 9.). The 12yo does have a top bunk where he keeps his most special things, and I don’t go up there. I do go through the 9yo’s bottom bunk and everything else. If they had separate rooms, I don’t think I’d need to bother with the 12yo’s much.

Mine don’t get emotional about a whole lot of items, but they don’t have the will to purge, either.  Strangely, I always have the will to purge, but I get distracted by emotions over their junk. @@. 

[ktgrok]

You might want to watch some of the Minimal Mom videos on youtube with them. She is good at phrasing things to help you let go, and even has a printable to guide you in deciding what to keep and what to give away. 

And she has a video about getting rid of gifts - about how it is not honoring to a person we love to keep something cluttering up a shelf gathering dust and eventually getting gross. That there are better ways to honor a person's memory. 

And she does utilize a "quarantine" bin/box. So stuff goes in there in the garage/attic/basement for a while to see what you really miss. 

She also has you really analyze how an object makes you feel. So does that trinket make you happy when you see it, or does it make you feel guilty about not playing with it/wearing it for a long time? Is it a reminder of a mistaken purchase? Etc. (those things are more adults I'm sure). 

She also has a video on how to get kids more on board - don't watch that one with them as she does suggest if all else fails you can pay them for the stuff they get rid of, lol. My kids saw that and were like, "hey! we've been doing this for free!" lol. 

[Farrar]

I’m still doing this in some form for my teens. It’s especially an issue with clothes. They can’t seem to see when things are ripped or way too small. They don’t acquire that much stuff... they’re just kinda teen boy slobs. Sometimes I have to go through and really clean things out. Still. Sigh. They are capable of cleaning up but they can’t seem to understand the idea of purging unless I go do it. Then they don’t mind it.

They have had final say since they were really little.

[MysteryJen]

I think mostly I did it with them. I will still sit on the bed if they want company going through clothes or something. We moved to a very small house when they were 19,17,15,13, and 11- so they helped with the move and we have sort of kept up doing things in a minimal way because there just isn't room.

[Momto6inIN]

My teens have been doing it for years. I guess I do help them with clothes so that I can see them try it on to see if it fits or not anymore, they can't always judge that very well on their own. My 11 and 7 year old can do everything (again, except clothes) unguided by now, but I do have to tell them when it's time to do it, no way would they recognize the clutter problem and initiate taking steps to take care of it on their own. I tell them it's time to deep clean/spring clean their room about once a year and we've been through it every year of their lives and they've watched enough with their older siblings to know how it goes. The bulk of their toys "live" in the playroom, but they have some special things they keep in their rooms. Mostly de-cluttering their rooms means dealing with all.the.craft.projects.crap.and.every.scrap.of.paper.they.have.ever.written.or.doodled.on.in.their.entire.lives. So very early on I instituted a "special box" rule that they could keep whatever the heck they wanted to as long as it fit inside this box (a flat Rubbermaid tub). And when the box is full, they have to purge. Now, the crap is still strewn all over their room a large portion of the time - but it does have a home and there is a system for containing it and culling it.

I haven't had to deal with the toy problem yet because I keep having babies who will play with the toys they outgrow LOL

[73349]

I did DS's for him this summer (also 11), bringing items into my room & telling him if he missed something, he had to ask me for it back and then find a home for it. All he wanted back were stuffed animals.

I gave him a part of the proceeds from selling some of it at a consignment sale--he likes money, so that decreases the sting considerably.  (He doesn't care a bit for clothes anyway, just blankets, certain kinds of toys and certain books/magazines.) It looks so much better.

I did have him take a look at the beginning and let me know if there was anything he was sure he didn't want me to touch. But he's an only grandchild with a winter birthday, so he gets a ton of stuff at once and then by summer, it's an overwhelming mess; I don't expect him to be able to manage it all by himself yet. If it was all stuff he'd bought himself, it would be much easier & I think it would be reasonable to expect that. But I buy his clothes and books and everybody else gives him toys, not necessarily either the items or the quantities he would choose. (I'm hoping people will realize this season that hey, he's turning 12, maybe enough already with the little car-building kits.)

Edited November 29, 2019 by whitehawk

[Sneezyone]

Following. I am getting close to this point with DS. With DD (15), I close my eyes when the trash bags come out, hope for the best, and don't ask any questions.

Edited November 29, 2019 by Sneezyone

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, whitehawk said:

I did DS's for him this summer (also 11), bringing items into my room & telling him if he missed something, he had to ask me for it back and then find a home for it. All he wanted back were stuffed animals.

I gave him a part of the proceeds from selling some of it at a consignment sale--he likes money, so that decreases the sting considerably.  (He doesn't care a bit for clothes anyway, just blankets, certain kinds of toys and certain books/magazines.) It looks so much better.

I did have him take a look at the beginning and let me know if there was anything he was sure he didn't want me to touch. But he's an only grandchild with a winter birthday, so he gets a ton of stuff at once and then by summer, it's an overwhelming mess; I don't expect him to be able to manage it all by himself yet. If it was all stuff he'd bought himself, it would be much easier & I think it would be reasonable to expect that. But I buy his clothes and books and everybody else gives him toys, not necessarily either the items or the quantities he would choose. (I'm hoping people will realize this season that hey, he's turning 12, maybe enough already with the little car-building kits.)

Our relatives like to give small Star Wars Lego kits that DS11 can finish in 15 minutes. He doesn't even like Star Wars. I call them Generic Boy Gifts, and I also wish they'd cut it out with them. 

[Shoeless]

Thanks, ladies. I so appreciate that I can get a reasonable response here, rather than the smugness I find on Facebook groups!  

[SKL]

My kids are 12/13, and I still reserve the right to go in there and remove things that should be passed down or thrown out.  Mainly because they rarely do this themselves.

I did ask my 12yo (the hoarder) to do this herself a while back.  She provided me with a box of stuff to pass down, but about half of it was garbage.  Also, she still has tons of crap in her room.  I think she is not really able to do this properly yet.

My other kid only has a few things she uses regularly, but she also doesn't get rid of old stuff on her own.  Too lazy or I don't know what.  When I ask her to purge, she says she doesn't have anything in there that she doesn't want.  But yes she does....

These are items on my near term to-do list ... maybe it will be my last time, maybe not.

Edited November 29, 2019 by SKL

[Shoeless]

Update: I listed almost all the books kiddo was willing to part with and sold them for $100! Once he heard how much money we made, he was willing to let a few more things go.  He's not ready/able to initiate the process himself, but if I hold something up and say "Stay or go?", he'll say "go" for some of it. Progress! And money! 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I never purged their room *for* them.  I always did with them, side by side.  It was too overwhelming for them to do by themselves.  Long before Marie Kondo made it on the scene, my kids and I were pulling all the stuff from around the walls, under the bed, stuffed into the corners, and piled in the closet, and making a huge pile in the middle of the floor.  Then, going through it item by item to determine what to keep, what to toss, and what to share with others (via donation to the thrift store).  They were probably 12 or 13 (depending on the kid) before they could do it on their own.

[linders]

Hmmm. DS19 and I were working on his room - again - just this weekend. If he had his way, he would still have every toy soldier he ever owned. 

[MaBelle]

Not to be blunt or crude (those of you who know me, shut up with the laughing NOW) but I'm a "get that crap (sh!t) out of your room right now" mom.

About 10???