Help me set boundaries

[DawnM]

I am kind of bad at it.  I tend to just be too busy all of a sudden or come up with anything but directness with certain types.  I think it is because I just know certain people don't accept boundaries and I don't want to deal with it.

I shared about the bitter, bitter divorce of my son's friend's parents.  I also shared that I called DSS on the dad because of his behavior.  

Well, mom has a long list of people she keeps trying to get me to call/contact/report and I have tried to gently explain to her that unless it affects MY child, I am not fighting that battle.  She then tries to tell me that doing X or Y will help my child in the long run, blah, blah, blah.  And the truth is, it won't make an ounce of difference in my child's life if the dad goes to jail his girlfriend gets deported, or any of the other things she wants me to do.

THIS is why she has NO friends.  She says everyone abandoned her because they are "afraid of my ex". no, they abandoned you because you are bat sh*t crazy!  

Is there a way to say that politely but firm enough for a person with no boundaries to get it?

Edited November 27, 2019 by DawnM

[Selkie]

I would cut contact with her. She sounds like trouble. I don't like the way she is trying to manipulate you by making it about your child.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would tell her what you will do in the relationship. “I will go to coffee with you and will talk about our days and feelings but I will not be an instrument of revenge for you. “. Too blunt?  “I will go out to coffee with you and will talk about our days and feelings but that’s it.”  

Edited November 27, 2019 by Jean in Newcastle
Typo

[gardenmom5]

I'd tell her since she feels so strongly - SHE needs to be the one to call.  

be prepared to say good-bye, leave or hang-up, if she persists in any given visit.   you can do this without ending the friendship, but it will teach her you have boundaries.

[MaBelle]

My sister and mom battle each other with lots of drama.  I finally told them No More.  I told sister I was done listening to her bash and be disrespectful to mom, and told mom I was done talking to her about anything than the most mundane of matters.  If they persist I hang up.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would just gently say, I am not going to do that.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  

I might explain it once, but mostly I would not try to justify it.  I’d refer back to the explanation:  “I told you already why I’m not going to this.  And I am not going to do this.”  

[DawnM]

Thanks,.  I have said some of those things, but I guess not strongly enough.  

This is NOT my battle!  In fact, I have cut my son off from the other kid, they can text/talk on the phone but not meet up.  I am DONE with him.

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'd tell her since she feels so strongly - SHE needs to be the one to call.  

be prepared to say good-bye, leave or hang-up, if she persists in any given visit.   you can do this without ending the friendship, but it will teach her you have boundaries.

 

She says, "I can't be the one to call as it will look like I am just the bitter wife, it has to come from outside" blah, blah, blah.

[Pen]

2 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

She says, "I can't be the one to call as it will look like I am just the bitter wife, it has to come from outside" blah, blah, blah.

 

“Name, if there’s a legitimate problem you are aware of then you should call DSS and report it.”

 

[DawnM]

Just now, Pen said:

 

“Name, if there’s a legitimate problem you are aware of then you should call DSS and report it.”

 

 

No, I actually called DSS.  She is wanting some other things done.  I have told her to call several times (to the other places, and yes, multiple) but she keeps saying it can't come from her.  One example, "Call and report her EX to the authorities for misuse of his police vehicle.  You have seen him do it, so you can report it."

Seriously, what do I care if he drives his police vehicle for personal use, isn't that the department's job to look at the GPS or mileage?

That was when I told her it doesn't have anything to do with me or my family (more politely than that) and I only wanted to concentrate on things like, you know, drug sales.

 

[Pen]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

 

No, I actually called DSS.  She is wanting some other things done.  I have told her to call several times (to the other places, and yes, multiple) but she keeps saying it can't come from her.  One example, "Call and report her EX to the authorities for misuse of his police vehicle.  You have seen him do it, so you can report it."

Seriously, what do I care if he drives his police vehicle for personal use, isn't that the department's job to look at the GPS or mileage?

That was when I told her it doesn't have anything to do with me or my family (more politely than that) and I only wanted to concentrate on things like, you know, drug sales.

 

 

How about, “No. And stop asking me.”

[Carol in Cal.]

See, this is why I said Lather, rinse, repeat.  Because she is going to keep asking for the foreseeable future, like a toddler, and you have to keep reasserting that boundary, like a parent, if you want to continue the relationship.  

[DawnM]

5 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

See, this is why I said Lather, rinse, repeat.  Because she is going to keep asking for the foreseeable future, like a toddler, and you have to keep reasserting that boundary, like a parent, if you want to continue the relationship.  

 

I am not sure I do want to continue it to be honest.  I feel like she is using me as a free therapist in many ways.  She never takes my advice, and I seriously wonder if she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Edited November 28, 2019 by DawnM

[mumto2]

No, just say no........no explanation required.  I have a friend that asks for some really out of bounds pretty big favors and Dh/I just say “no” sometimes with no explanation.  There really is nothing else she can say because the answer was a clear no.  Over the years I have stepped back from the friendship but she still pops up with a big one occasionally.....last month!😮

[Corraleno]

If your son doesn't see his friend in person any more, is there any reason you need to see the mom? If your only contact now is texts or phone calls, I would refuse to answer the phone and only text back simple replies: "As I mentioned before, I don't want to get involved in this." "I am not willing to do this, please stop asking." Etc. If she persists then I would just ghost her. She is being manipulative and she is using you, and you don't owe her anything — not even an explanation. "No" is a complete sentence.

[Rosie_0801]

"For heavens' sake! I have enough of my own problems. I can't possibly deal with yours."

You tried polite and it didn't work. Whose fault is that? *shrug*

[DawnM]

Thanks guys.  

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 

She says, "I can't be the one to call as it will look like I am just the bitter wife, it has to come from outside" blah, blah, blah.

time to learn some French.

c'est la vie. use it with her.  often.

eta: I was a shoulder for my brother for a while after his 2nd marriage disintegrated. no one else would do it.    I got really tired of hearing the complaints (they're both nuts.) - I did a lot of changing the subject, and saying goodbye and hanging up.

 

Edited November 28, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Pen]

29 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

"For heavens' sake! I have enough of my own problems. I can't possibly deal with yours."

You tried polite and it didn't work. Whose fault is that? *shrug*

 

Love this!!!

could work for both requests and being pulled in as “therapist” 

[Vanchy]

A mom from my son's homeschool co-op was like that mom. Her husband bought a bicycle and she was furious. The guy had diabetes and was trying to lose some weight, so he started to ride a bike every weekend. She would call me and ask me to tell him that it is not nice to leave her with kids on weekends, or to tell him that he should not buy a new bicycle when he can borrow one from his parents..... I stopped answering phone calls and messages. One day she stopped me at the grocery store and told me that I am selfish, rude and disrespectful because I am not answering her messages, and she is a friend in need. 🙄 I told her that as I know practicing medicine without license is felony in the USA, and for that reason I can't be her therapist. I advised her to find local therapist and schedule an appointment. She looked at me like I have two heads. I smiled and walked away.  She never called again. 🙂

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, Vanchy said:

A mom from my son's homeschool co-op was like that mom. Her husband bought a bicycle and she was furious. The guy had diabetes and was trying to lose some weight, so he started to ride a bike every weekend. She would call me and ask me to tell him that it is not nice to leave her with kids on weekends, or to tell him that he should not buy a new bicycle when he can borrow one from his parents..... I stopped answering phone calls and messages. One day she stopped me at the grocery store and told me that I am selfish, rude and disrespectful because I am not answering her messages, and she is a friend in need. 🙄 I told her that as I know practicing medicine without license is felony in the USA, and for that reason I can't be her therapist. I advised her to find local therapist and schedule an appointment. She looked at me like I have two heads. I smiled and walked away.  She never called again. 🙂

 

That is even weirder!  For her to ask you to tell her husband that stuff.  

As far as a therapist.  Therapists aren't medical practitioners so I hardly think it is a felony to give advice.....although I get what you meant.  But I think she thinks since I am a counselor, I can help.  I just feel I have given all the help I can.

Oh, and I forgot to add something......there was a court appointed therapist......she dumped the entire family yesterday saying she has gone as far as she can and can't help them any further.  🤔🤔

[Shoeless]

28 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Oh, and I forgot to add something......there was a court appointed therapist......she dumped the entire family yesterday saying she has gone as far as she can and can't help them any further.  🤔🤔

 

Oh sug, RUN. Stay far, far away from this woman and her problem family!