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“That relative” at Thanksgiving


teachermom2834
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4 hours ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

You guys are making me nervous that I'm "that relative".  

How do you decide what is an appropriate amount for each person to bring?  I've been assigned the vegetables this year, plus one pie, but I'm bringing almost half the people.  That doesn't seem like our fair share.  

You are most definitely not that relative. No way, no how, never.

 

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1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm curious, for those who do the entire meal on their own, how many people (teens/adults) are you hosting?  is your meal sit-down or buffet?

Over the years, my folks' dinner has fed from 8 to 25 people.  It has always been a sit-down dinner.

One of my sisters (the single, childless one) has been helping a lot as my folks have aged though.  My folks help her a lot all year long, so it's fair.  🙂

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33 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

 

LOL, what I bring "that relative"?  Because I might be doing that.  Do I get a dispensation if I also bring some very cute lego fanatics?

If the person you're bringing does end up being 'that relative', your lovely hosting family will know this is no reflection on you. They love you.

Cute kids 👍

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8 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Okay, I have to ask- what are the ground rules on this fruit salad? 

No cantaloupe, no honeydew, but most of the hour long texting was going back and forth on whether or not we should include fresh pineapple.  My sister in law has started having her throat feel sore and tight when she eats them.  Fine.  Totally legit reason.  But sister in law loves pineapple but mother in law doesn't like fresh pineapple....  It was decided that my mother in law would buy a can of pineapple and add it to the fruit salad after I bring it to her house.  Whatever.  I don't even care.  I'd already done my shopping and had not bought cantaloupe, honeydew, or pineapple....  So I'm really not sure what the concern is.  

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2 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Wow that's a lot of drama over fruit salad. Maybe you should soak what you're allowed to use in brandy and it'll make the day a lot more mellow tomorrow, LOL. 

I always add amaretto to my fruit salad.  It keeps the fruit from getting brown too fast.  

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I have read this whole thread and I think I have won the Thanksgiving lottery this year. 

We had extended family Thanksgiving a few weeks ago because our niece and her just turning one year old baby were coming to town for baby’s first birthday from Utah. All the rest of her siblings came from far away and they all requested Thanksgiving meal while they were here. They wanted to have it at our house and it was a Saturday I had to work. I said sure, it could be here, but I wouldn’t be able to cook or do anything. We typically do a potluck style meal anyway. So I had kids help me clean on Friday, then dh did all the set-up and some cooking and everyone else brought food. I came home in time to eat.  

And for tomorrow, we are going to a good friend’s house. I had happened to mention to her that I wasn’t sure what we would do for real Tgiving since we were having the early meal. Plus, I also have to work this holiday so I wasn’t really up for cooking a big meal. She invited us to her house and told us not to bring anything. This is the kind of friend who I know really means it. And we’ve hosted her and her large family (7 kids) for holiday meals and told them the same thing and meant it. 

So just eating for me this year! 

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7 hours ago, Terabith said:

I am a terrible cook.  My husband or kids do all the cooking.  Like, I have often messed up spaghetti.  I was assigned to bring the fruit salad.  Cool.  I can handle that.  But I've now been involved in over an hour of texting about what is and is not acceptable to include in the fruit salad.  Now I am super stressed about it.  Thank God I wasn't assigned anything crucial!

unless you've done something similar to mil - you haven't messed it up.

she couldn't find a spaghetti seasoning pkt - so she used one for chili.  the DOG wouldn't eat it!

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On 11/26/2019 at 11:17 AM, Little Green Leaves said:

I really miss the days when I was the irresponsible relative. I'm way too old to feel this way but I do wish that I could still show up for Thanksgiving dinner with just flowers, or a bottle of wine, or some other feckless offering. No, now I'm assigned side dishes and I'm an integral part of the event -- this is super hard on my commitment issues and leaves me with zero wiggle room.

 

I never had those days and probably won't until I'm too old to contribute. As a kid I always had to help my mom do holiday meals. Once I moved out I either went to her house the night before and helped, showed up early to help, or brought a dish I cooked. 

On 11/26/2019 at 11:26 AM, PrincessMommy said:

I host thanksgiving.  I know the next time I do not host Thanksgiving will be because I am too old to do so..  I wish I could go back to those carefree days.  Show up just before the food is served, help a little with clean up and then leave.  No fuss, no muss and no angst about who or who didn't get invited or who is being an jerk.  

I only host occasionally these days* but wouldn't mind hosting regularly again if it came to that. When dss and ddil married in 2010 dss said he hoped one day to be the host of holiday meals. Two years later when oldest grandson was born they asked if they could start hosting and all sets of parents agreed to it. Now we all go to their house, as do ddil's side of the family. Dss (the main cook in their family) does the turkey and everyone brings a dish or three. 

*Last year with Emma being brand new to this earth it was too much for them. Her parents hosted Thanksgiving and we hosted Christmas. This year they're back to hosting again.

 

 

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11 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

back when we were hosting dh's family - there was one  member who would sign-up to bring a side dish that needed to be cooked. she'd always wait until she got her to prepare it.  uh - no. we might have a generous amount of counter space plus a kitchen table - but it's all being used. dh got where he didn't care if any dish she brought was ready when dinner was or not.  as far as he was concerned- when the turkey was reading - it was time to eat.  if your dish isn't ready, too bad so sad.

then the "we're not hosting" got forced and other sil hosted.   - she waited dinner 30 minutes so that relative could cook her *vegetable*! (there were other vegetables on the table)   the turkey was cold, gravy had congealed, etc. -- it did help dh understand what 1dd and I had been complaining about for year . . . . and was the last time we had thanksgiving with his family.

 

My sister rolled up one year 30 minutes late with an un-prepared pie.  As in, a box of premade pie crust and cans of pumpkin. I had a tiny, apartment kitchen with about 3 feet of counter space and no room to whip up pies on the fly.  I wanted to strangle her.  Now I know not to depend on her for anything like that.  She's going to be late and unprepared and that's how it is. 

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@teachermom2834 at least you learned to laugh it off. If you don't want to dis-invite them that's probably the best thing to do. And good for you for making sure they don't get leftovers. I think this year I'd also hide the canned drinks so they go home as empty handed as they came. 

 

On 11/26/2019 at 12:11 PM, gardenmom5 said:

here's what we have done so that we get  more balanced "bringings".

dh would send out a menu a month in advance with all items listed - and who wants to bring what? people/families are expected to sign-up.  at this point, changes can be made for sides, etc.  but everyone is expected to sign up for something. 

This is what we do. Ddil's sister emails a list from Sign Up Genius. It has most of the traditional foods listed and everyone is expected to sign up for one or more dishes. You can also add something if you want to bring it and it's not on the list. We've been doing this long enough that we pretty much each know what the other will bring every year, and we're all good with that.

Regardless of who hosts, it's usually dh, ds, and me, ddil's mother, stepfather, and sister, and dss, ddil, and the kids. If ds or ddil's sister are dating someone and they want to join us, that's fine. Sometimes dss' mother comes but it's hit or miss with her. Yes, I've had holiday meals with my husband's ex. It's not a big deal because the only thing they have between them is a son and grandkids - there are no leftover feelings from either of them.

 

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1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

unless you've done something similar to mil - you haven't messed it up.

she couldn't find a spaghetti seasoning pkt - so she used one for chili.  the DOG wouldn't eat it!

Wait, what is spaghetti seasoning? I just boil water with a tbsp of salt and add noodles.

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9 hours ago, SKL said:

Our family doesn't have a "fair share" standard.  Thanksgiving is not a pot luck.  Most people are not asked to bring anything - if you are asked, it is because you have a specialty dish that you will probably be proud to bring.

Those not asked to cook usually do bring something, of their choice.  One person brings a baked treat that is always appreciated, one brings raw veggies.  I bring the wine.

When my kids were little, my folks told me I shouldn't do anything other than bring the kids.  They were the littlest, and therefore by default the cutest and most entertaining, and also plenty of mom work in and of themselves.  It probably helped that I had 3 able bodied, childless, culinarily talented siblings at that time.

 

This is how it was in my family, too, both my mother's side and father's side.  Whoever hosted did the cooking.  I have no idea if they split the cost between the families, but I doubt it since hosting duties rotated each holiday.  I was never assigned anything to bring, but always asked if there was something I could bring.  Sometimes my aunt would send me out to grab ice cream or paper towels, or some other random thing that was needed. 

Holiday dinners with my dad's family were usually for 20-30 people and a sit down affair. My mom's family was dinner for 8-10, also a sit down affair and slightly more stuffy/formal.

DH's family only does potluck holidays.

 

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2 hours ago, EmseB said:

Wait, what is spaghetti seasoning? I just boil water with a tbsp of salt and add noodles.

a seasoning pkt for the red sauce that goes on the spaghetti.  we make our sauce from scratch - I've never used a seasoning pkt.  (someone gave me a store bought pasta sauce once. it was hideously sweet. - I threw it out.)

mil didn't really cook.  dh say's the kids learned to cook in self-defense.

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2 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

My sister rolled up one year 30 minutes late with an un-prepared pie.  As in, a box of premade pie crust and cans of pumpkin. I had a tiny, apartment kitchen with about 3 feet of counter space and no room to whip up pies on the fly.  I wanted to strangle her.  Now I know not to depend on her for anything like that.  She's going to be late and unprepared and that's how it is. 

sil is like that.  she's not allowed to "sign up" for anything that will be missed.  (dinner will not be held for her to make her item.)  it's a pity - 40 years ago she was actually a good cook.

I think she's coming tomorrow.  (I haven't heard from her to say she's not coming.)  if she comes here, she can bring her dog.  (and eat real food.)  if she goes to 2sil's, she has to leave the dog home (in a miniscule apartment), will get boxed/canned food - but she can bring her very obnoxious son and his gf.

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Your brother sounds so selfish,  but it is mostly the attitude. Functionally my family has some of the same behaviors, but it feels fine. I am that relative. When we come, we are "blessing them with our presence." But we live 6 hours away, so our cost to come is significant in both time and money. I usually do the bulk of the dishes at my in-laws, though. My mom usually cooks for my family, and my sister and I do clean up. 

We have my parents and my sister's family here this year, so I have 19 people to feed for 4 days. And not just food, but company food. You can imagine my grocery bill. I will do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, but Mom and my sister (and random kids) will all contribute. Mom brought some stuff from her garden (pumpkin for pies, corn, tomato juice for chili). I wouldn't dream of asking my sister to bring food. It is enough for her to bring 8 kids on a trip to see me. If she can take 4 days out of her very busy schedule for the trip, I want her to just come and enjoy herself. She doesn't mind work and pitches in with anything that needs doing, but she won't have to be concerned with menu planning or contributing something specific while here. 

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1 hour ago, Meriwether said:

Your brother sounds so selfish,  but it is mostly the attitude.

Absolutely.

It is totally the attitude. And obviously from all of my posts on this thread there is plenty of baggage coming in. But at this point in my life I can let go of the past. If he just showed up and was pleasant and appreciative one time I would be happy to go from there and leave the past in the past. 

My sister helps. She brings appetizers and dessert and she helps in the kitchen. While my brother, SIL, and adult nieces sit and watch us 😂I used to get really resentful when I had a house of little kids but now my youngest is my 11 dd and she is a big help. Honestly, if he came and behaved and didn't give sis and me anything to add to our list of Thanksgiving antics we would probably be disappointed.

I also started doing just exactly what and how I wanted it and welcomed everyone else to chip in with whatever they had to have. That was a big shift in attitude. Before that I was trying to make everyone's favorite dish and have every desired condiment. I don't do that anymore. I texted my brother last night and told him I don't have his hot sauce and to bring it with him if he wants it. Ten years ago I would have run out to the store to make sure he had it. 

 

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Am I the only one thinking, "It isn't that easy to just leave people out if they are family."  

It starts wars and just isn't worth it.  Unless there are drugs or criminal activity or abuse, it just isn't that easy;.  It would be easier to say, "We aren't able to host this year."

We went to Michigan one Thanksgiving to be with Dh's family 12 hours' drive each way.  His sister stuck us in the kitchen, away from everyone else, claiming the table was full in the dining room and we had little kids, so we could sit in the kitchen, alone, and come beg for things like butter and cranberry sauce as we needed it.

We never have gone back.  And won't.  

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On 11/26/2019 at 12:02 PM, skimomma said:

How do you all handle food assignments to people who don't live in town?  I always get assigned dishes just like everyone else but we live 600+ miles from our nearest relatives.  We usually stay in a hotel the night(s) before the meal in question as most people we visit do not have room for us.  We are often in the region days before the meal so I cannot prepare at home and try to keep in a cooler or something.  The hotel has no kitchen.  Stores are typically closed on the day of the meal so grabbing prepared food is rarely an option.  I end up calling the organizer (this is the same person every time) to re-negotiate our contribution to something that I can buy prepared ahead of time like pies or beverages.  And this usually works after some drama about how difficult it is to shuffle around the assignments.  But every single time I originally get green bean casserole or dressing or something else that has me scratching my head wondering if this person has thought through how gross cooler casserole would be by the time we got to the meal. 

I'd totally show up at organizer's house at 5:30 AM with all the ingredients for my assignment and start using her kitchen and her bowls, measuring cups, spoons, whatever to make my assignment. I'd probably play Christmas songs at loud volumes on my phone too. Because, you know, that helps me to cook and focus better. She wouldn't assign me anything to cook again. I would clean up after I was finished though. I'm not that tacky! 

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33 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Am I the only one thinking, "It isn't that easy to just leave people out if they are family."  

It starts wars and just isn't worth it.  Unless there are drugs or criminal activity or abuse, it just isn't that easy;.  It would be easier to say, "We aren't able to host this year."

We went to Michigan one Thanksgiving to be with Dh's family 12 hours' drive each way.  His sister stuck us in the kitchen, away from everyone else, claiming the table was full in the dining room and we had little kids, so we could sit in the kitchen, alone, and come beg for things like butter and cranberry sauce as we needed it.

We never have gone back.  And won't.  

That is one of the meanest things I have ever read.

I am so sorry that happened to your family.

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Just now, HeighHo said:

 

And there you have it, the real reason....you and the dc aren't considered family in your sil's culture.

 

 

Right, but my point is, in the OP's scenario, she can't just exclude one family that has always been invited, without it being a "thing" with everyone.  Sometimes one stress is better than the other.

 

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Just now, MysteryJen said:

That is one of the meanest things I have ever read.

I am so sorry that happened to your family.

 

Thank you.  I have never liked his sister, she was mean to me from the second we got engaged.  So was the mom.  I have one SIL who won't speak to any of them.  I get it.  They aren't nice to any of the wives, although they tolerate the youngest son's wife the best.

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Yeah, it is hard to cut people out unless they are extreme.  And TBH I'd not want to.

About three years ago there was a major fracture in my family, right after my mum's father died which may be related.  There are five kids in that family, and there was a major blow up, so the two oldest are no longer talking to the second youngest, at all. Only my youngest uncle is still really talking to all of them.  In addition, the middle sibling has a trust that is being administered by my mom, and that has become quite nasty so they do not really speak any more, this is more down to that aunt having serious emotional problems but it doesn't help with the larger situation.

As a result the family holiday meals have completely stopped, and as far as my generation we are rarely seeing some of our aunts and uncles because it's become somewhat awkward.  It's very unpleasant when you've been used to a large, close, and often quite opinionated family and family gatherings.

I'd be happy at this point to put up with jerk and freeloader relatives at Christmas dinner if the supposed adults could get themselves together so they could be in the same room.

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21 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on that thought.  I've seen 'that family' excluded, and the rest cheer. They didn't get what they wanted - the desired blood relative w/o the baggage, the cash, the food, whatever..so they retain control by booting the dissident.

 

In your family it worked, I am just saying, it doesn't always work.  It wouldn't work in our family.

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8 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

In your family it worked, I am just saying, it doesn't always work.  It wouldn't work in our family.

I don't even understand the meaning of the quote you posted.

LOL

Sometimes people suck and they still get invited to dinner, like you said, bc the alternative would cause MORE dysfunction, MORE chaos, MORE levels and layers of hurt.

If a family is still at that point with *that* relative, I hope everything goes well today!

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16 hours ago, Terabith said:

No cantaloupe, no honeydew, but most of the hour long texting was going back and forth on whether or not we should include fresh pineapple.  My sister in law has started having her throat feel sore and tight when she eats them.  Fine.  Totally legit reason.  But sister in law loves pineapple but mother in law doesn't like fresh pineapple....  It was decided that my mother in law would buy a can of pineapple and add it to the fruit salad after I bring it to her house.  Whatever.  I don't even care.  I'd already done my shopping and had not bought cantaloupe, honeydew, or pineapple....  So I'm really not sure what the concern is.  

I'd be so tempted to show up with fruit cocktail and a can opener at that point. Sheesh.

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12 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

Can't agree. Families that shun, exclude, and badmouth aren't functional families. No point in even labeling them 'families' cause they aren't.

 

How can you not agree that it wouldn't work in my family?  How could you possibly know that?  As I said, unless there is criminal behavior, everyone is invited.  That is how our family works.  

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16 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

How can you not agree that it wouldn't work in my family?  How could you possibly know that?  As I said, unless there is criminal behavior, everyone is invited.  That is how our family works.  

Back in the day, if criminals weren't included, my dad wouldn't have been at the table...

I'm NOT telling you to include criminals, just to be clear. 

 

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4 hours ago, Meriwether said:

Your brother sounds so selfish,  but it is mostly the attitude. Functionally my family has some of the same behaviors, but it feels fine. I am that relative. When we come, we are "blessing them with our presence." But we live 6 hours away, so our cost to come is significant in both time and money. I usually do the bulk of the dishes at my in-laws, though. My mom usually cooks for my family, and my sister and I do clean up. 

We have my parents and my sister's family here this year, so I have 19 people to feed for 4 days. And not just food, but company food. You can imagine my grocery bill. I will do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, but Mom and my sister (and random kids) will all contribute. Mom brought some stuff from her garden (pumpkin for pies, corn, tomato juice for chili). I wouldn't dream of asking my sister to bring food. It is enough for her to bring 8 kids on a trip to see me. If she can take 4 days out of her very busy schedule for the trip, I want her to just come and enjoy herself. She doesn't mind work and pitches in with anything that needs doing, but she won't have to be concerned with menu planning or contributing something specific while here. 

you are not "that relative".  you help clean, and you are appreciative.

 

I hosted my brother for Christmas one year.  he and his kids stayed here. (four more people, plus my mother was over every day.)  he never offered to help.  one night about 30 minutes before dinner would be on the table, he and his family and my mother all took off - to go out to dinner!

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49 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Back in the day, if criminals weren't included, my dad wouldn't have been at the table...

I'm NOT telling you to include criminals, just to be clear. 

 

 

Well, my cousin has been in and out of jail, and he comes to our Family Christmas get together.  My niece too.

I guess what I was referring to is engaging in it at my house......but even that I guess would be subjective.  How do I know someone is taking illegal prescription drugs?  I really don't.

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Just now, DawnM said:

 

Well, my cousin has been in and out of jail, and he comes to our Family Christmas get together.  My niece too.

I guess what I was referring to is engaging in it at my house......but even that I guess would be subjective.  How do I know someone is taking illegal prescription drugs?  I really don't.

i was tracinkg your vibe...and then you get into things like...what if the person is out on bond? What if the holiday is at the person's house who is under house arrest? what if the sober person shows up smelling like a gin mill

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24 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

If we didn't have the criminals, the addicted, the mentally ill, the difficult to get along with...and all these categories overlap in MY family...

we'd be missing a few people.

I think (it wasn't my post) that we're talking about current behavior. My stepdad went to prison for murder but he doesn't run around murdering people all willy nilly. If he did he wouldn't be invited. 

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14 minutes ago, Slache said:

I think (it wasn't my post) that we're talking about current behavior. My stepdad went to prison for murder but he doesn't run around murdering people all willy nilly. If he did he wouldn't be invited. 

I am talking about current behavior too...

mental illness doesn't just end. neither does addiction. some times relatives are in the middle of criminal proceedings...

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5 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

I am talking about current behavior too...

mental illness doesn't just end. neither does addiction. some times relatives are in the middle of criminal proceedings...

If someone puts my children at risk they would not be invited. I just think criminal has a broad meaning and sometimes people use the term differently than we do, but with no offense intended.

We have mental illness, felons and difficult people too, but mental illness is not mental illness, criminal is not criminal and difficult is... well... difficult.

I might be wording this poorly. I'm hungover with sleep aids.

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I'm sure I was totally "that relative" today. We drove 4 hours to my niece's house, who was hosting. When we were about 40 minutes away, they texted us to say niece had been robbed at gunpoint last night, likely by an acquaintance (that they didn't turn in and who has been hanging around their apartment today). The same apartment complex also had a murder last week, right in front of niece's unit. 

Well...nope. Sorry. Call me uppity and such, but their hurt feelings are pretty low on my priorities (when my kids' safety is at risk). So the girls and I went to MIL's house and stayed there. MIL stayed with us; DH went and ate and came back. 

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8 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

I'm sure I was totally "that relative" today. We drove 4 hours to my niece's house, who was hosting. When we were about 40 minutes away, they texted us to say niece had been robbed at gunpoint last night, likely by an acquaintance (that they didn't turn in and who has been hanging around their apartment today). The same apartment complex also had a murder last week, right in front of niece's unit. 

Well...nope. Sorry. Call me uppity and such, but their hurt feelings are pretty low on my priorities (when my kids' safety is at risk). So the girls and I went to MIL's house and stayed there. MIL stayed with us; DH went and ate and came back. 

Wow! Yeah, nope from me! Sorry you're going through that. How stressful for everyone. 

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UPDATE:

He behaved. He brought two pies and left the uneaten half here. He also brought eggplant parmigiana which is a family dish but labor intensive and no one has brought it in years. He brought a large portion and it was all eaten so it was definitely helpful.

He came into the kitchen and asked if he could help. 
 

I hope he is OK. LOL.

 

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2 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

UPDATE:

He behaved. He brought two pies and left the uneaten half here. He also brought eggplant parmigiana which is a family dish but labor intensive and no one has brought it in years. He brought a large portion and it was all eaten so it was definitely helpful.

He came into the kitchen and asked if he could help. 
 

I hope he is OK. LOL.

He must have read the thread.

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