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Saying no to a favor- the puppy isn’t coming!


lovinmyboys
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I am one who is a big believer that the way the world should work is that people are free to ask others for favors and the people being asked are free to say no. However, that is actually really hard. 
 

My ILs are coming for thanksgiving and just got a puppy and they asked if they could bring it. I know that only horrible people don’t like puppies, but I am one of them. I really don’t like dogs at all. I think they should be treated well, I just don’t like being around them. Anyway, they asked if they could bring the puppy with them and I really want to say no, but how can I without being the bad guy? We are going to have 30 people here including our family for two nights. I am fine with that, but I feel like it is enough to host an extra 24 people for 3 days without also having a puppy. Dh assures me I won’t even know the puppy is here, but I am just really aggravated by it. And yes my ILs know how I feel about dogs, but I think they just don’t get it because they are “dog people.”
 

Update: a family member is going to watch the puppy so it isn’t coming. I think they either realized it wouldn’t be good for the puppy or they read between the lines that I was not happy about it. 

Edited by lovinmyboys
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I'm a dog person (obviously).

You're absolutely entitled to say no. Your house, your rules. And your ILs should respect that.

However, there's a hitch here. At this late hour it may be impossible for them to do anything with the puppy. Most boarding kennels won't take not-yet-fully-vaccinated puppies (and rightly so). Even if they did, mostly likely they've been fully booked for months. Ditto for vets who do boarding. And puppies need to go outside so frequently--if they could find a pet sitter it would have to be one willing to come MANY times a day. Plus a young puppy really shouldn't be left alone like that, IMO. So if they come and puppy doesn't their only option may be to find someone who does in home boarding, or maybe they have a friend or neighbor . . . ?

All that to say -- you may be looking at a case of the puppy comes or the ILs don't.

I'm sorry they've put you in this predicament.

Edited by Pawz4me
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Are you prepared for them not to come if they can't bring their puppy? Because it is not easy to find a holiday sitter, specifically for a needy puppy, this close to the holiday.

If you don't want them to bring the puppy just say so. But consider how your dh will feel if his family can't go because of your dislike for puppies. I suggest finding a compromise like the dog stays in the basement or some place you do not have to deal with it.

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I don't believe people should ask if they can even bring animals into your home.  You can invite, but others asking is wrong.  A puppy is an animal.  Many people believe animals belong soley outside.  I have an indoor dog and I would never ever ask to bring it anywhere.  Don't make it a thing, just say no.

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I think 24 extra people would be very entertained by a puppy, and therefore they'd stay out of my way a little more. 

But I wouldn't think of it as a favor per se. Either they can come with the puppy or they can't come, probably. Puppies can't be left alone. 

You could tell them how you feel about it and ask what they can do to figure it out. Maybe they do have someone who would love to take in a puppy for a few days. 

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I would be very annoyed, but I agree with those who think it may be impossible for them to make other arrangements and they will have to skip the trip. Also, sounds like your husband is on board with bringing the puppy; it is his house too, and his family, so... I would probably let it go. Generally I agree that the spouse who doesn't want [whatever] coming to their house/happening in their house gets veto power, but in this case, I'd say let them come and tell your husband it's up to him to be sure there are no problems with the puppy. 

Honestly, my first thought was that if you have the room and wherewithal to house, feed, etc., 24 extra people for 3 days, a puppy is unlikely to add much to the mix if there is a crate for him to go into and your inlaws will care for him appropriately.

Another thought - if you see your inlaws frequently, and they are close enough, maybe you could suggest they stay home for Thanksgiving and you will come to them and celebrate it with them the next week (or whatever might be practical). 

 

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I would prefer the puppy to all of those people......but that is neither here nor there.  I think you could say no, but your husband says yes and it is his family and his home too.  I would probably say yes with very strict rules about where the puppy may be.  Crated or in non carpet areas....or even a a garage depending on your climate.  

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I feel you. I am fellow horrible puppy nonlover. Dogs are just very much not my thing (although like you, I certainly don't want to see them mistreated!). Dogs in my house are a giant NO.

Since they asked, I am thinking that surely they have a plan for if you say no. So I'd be saying no. If, as others suggest, there really is no back-up plan, you can reconsider at that time. I would insist on the puppy being crated/confined to an out of the way area during the visit, because that's just the kind of horrible person I am. But my house, my rules.

I personally think that hosting 20+ extra people for 3 days makes you nothing short of a saint, and you shouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything else. They are incredibly rude for asking, especially since they know your feelings.

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I do not think that makes you the bad guy. I don't want dogs in my house, period. I think it is an imposition to ask to bring a dog into another person's house on such short notice that they effectively pressure you into an "either the dog comes or we won't come" situation. They should have asked a few months ago and made it clear at that time that they would make alternative arrangements if you aren't excited about hosting a dog.

Edited by regentrude
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I like dogs.  But a busy puppy in a new situation with 24 extra people (!?) in your house for 2 days?   Hard no.  If you are doing the primary cooking and prepping and organizing for that you get the final vote IMO.   If DH pushed, dog would be crated in a garage or basement or outside.  The end.  

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My in-laws have allowed one son’s dog and not the other’s for the past 8 years. Our dog sheds; their dog sheds smaller gains and belong to the favourite son, lol. We make arrangements for our dog, or don’t go. And we always make arrangements for our dog no matter where we go. If he is invited, we cancel.

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It is not the case that "only horrible people don't like puppies". If you don't like dogs, you don't like them.

However, it IS the case that a puppy cannot be left alone for a long period of time and that it may be difficult or impossible to find a kennel or sitter now. It is ALSO the case that a house full of people celebrating, with children and all, is not really a great environment to bring a puppy into for just a few days if it can at all be avoided.

I think if you refuse there's a good chance your inlaws will not be able to come. Quite honestly, I think they never should have put you in this position in the first place. When you get a young animal as a pet, you have an obligation to care for it. That might mean missing a family visit while you get the puppy socialized and potty trained and vaccinated. Your husband is either mistaken or quite overly optimistic - you WILL know the puppy is there.

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1 hour ago, Mbelle said:

I don't believe people should ask if they can even bring animals into your home.  You can invite, but others asking is wrong.  A puppy is an animal.  Many people believe animals belong soley outside.  I have an indoor dog and I would never ever ask to bring it anywhere.  Don't make it a thing, just say no.

Well, so are we! And human baby animals, IMO, are germier, louder, more disruptive, and just as destructive as puppies. Just saying. 🙂 

But, yes, I know people who think non-human animals only belong outside. I once held my clean, quiet, small dog in my lap in a house and I have a feeling one person felt it akin to, IDK, letting a flock of chickens wander the living room. Whatever. 

@lovinmyboys, I think you have the right to say no and not feel guilty about it, but as other have said, it may make it difficult for your IL's to come. They should have found an experienced pet sitter or friend to watch the puppy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I, too, think you are a saint for hosting so many people!

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I would say No .

I don't believe in animals in the house.

I don't believe in people treating animals like humans.

 I don't believe in bringing animals to other people's houses and forcing them to let them into their house.

if there was not other solution then they could have their dog tied up next to their car for the duration of their visit. 

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I am not a fan, but I would probably allow it and make sure they had a place to put the pup where it couldn't ruin anything.

I have a friend who always brought his dog, because he felt like he couldn't leave his dog, and that was the only way I got to see the friend/family.  Turned out the dog was really a good guest.  No regrets at all.  Puppies of course are more likely to be noisy and messy, but at least they are small, easy to contain, and likely to provide good entertainment for most of the guests.  🙂

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Apart from the fact that I'm a dog-lover, I'd have mixed feelings about this. For example, are the people who asked generally responsible?  If so, could you ask them to please leave the puppy either crated in a back room or on their lap or outdoors?  If they're not responsible, then I'd really be having a tough time with this request.  And of course they shouldn't have put you on the spot to say yes when it's so close to the event.  I think in your situation though, given the short notice and (assumed) desire to keep things peaceful, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and chance it, as long as you're not aware that anyone coming has a dog allergy.

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Send the puppy to my house!😉 I would be thrilled to have a puppy guest for Thanksgiving. People guests, especially 24 of them - not so much.

I do wonder why they are even thinking of traveling with a new puppy. Seems like a logistical headache, especially trying to housetrain away from home.

I hope you all are able to find a solution that works for everyone.

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Gah! No!

This is the worst thing ever for THE PUPPY! The poor thing is still trying to figure out that it has a new home, and then they plan to stress it out with travel via car or plane (and that kind of stress OFTEN means diahrrea for puppies)... and then stay at yet ANOTHER new house for 2-3 days where the puppy does NOT know that the "rules" are still the same as at its own house (example: "relieving is done outside")... AND the puppy is going to be overwhelmed and stressed by all the noise and being over-handled by over 2 dozen visitors (which results in behaviors like barking, mouthing/chewing, relieving, etc.)...

And as for "just keeping the puppy crated most of the time" during the visit -- yikes! I can't think of a faster way of ruining a dog's ability to be crate trained by making the crate a lonely, isolated place for 2 days -- not to mention that dogs are social animals and puppies especially need a lot of time and interaction with people (or other puppies).

Again, just NO. It is NOT a kind thing to do to the poor puppy! The ILs need to be responsible for this new animal they have brought into their home and ILS need to stay at home to maintain a calm, quiet, consistent holiday to help the puppy continue to acclimate and feel secure in a stable environment -- rather than dragging the puppy out before it can handle it, and stressing out the poor puppy with everything chaotic and turned upside down.

I totally disagree with your DH -- a puppy that is stressed by a disrupted routine and all that stimulus overload will definitely be acting out or doing undesirable behaviors in an effort to throw off all the stress. That most likely will be. by relieving in its crate or in the house, and through barking, jumping, chewing, etc. Please, help this puppy have success by having it stay home with its owners (your ILs) for a quiet holiday.

And as a side note -- it was ILs decision to put a new puppy first before family, by knowing the holiday plans, yet deciding to get a puppy right before. That is on THEM. It's not on YOU to accommodate their bad timing.

-- and I say this as a big-time dog lover who puppy-sits a lot for Guide Dogs for the Blind puppy raisers

Edited by Lori D.
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You are so kind to host Thanksgiving.  I am so sorry your in-law are making this difficult.

In years past, I would've gone along with the dog coming, and said nothing, for the sake of unity.  However, that led to a lot of resentment.  b

I'm a dog person and I would not want a puppy guest in my home.  A different house with different smells, different people, different routines, etc are really hard for puppies.  Accidents are just the beginning... whining/barking... diarrhea (due to travel stress)...

I would call around to local pet-friendly hotels.  There may be an opening and then it will be up to your in-laws to determine if they will come or not -- not you.  If there are no hotels, you could totally hold to your guns and no in-laws.  But you could also choose this time to inform your in-laws about future visits with their dog and then graciously agree to host the pup this one time due to the circumstances.  Choosing between these options would be about what I want for my children... Grandparents?  No grandparents?  Are grandparents generally helpful and agreeable, or constantly pushing boundaries?    

 

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So I keep thinking about this.  We have cats, we don't have dogs.  We have 2 relatives on DH's side that now just bring their dog to every family get together.  Usually it's like 20 people in a small space with 2 dogs trying to celebrate a holiday.  I refuse to host anymore.  There's no way my cats would be ok with that.  75% of any conversation revolves around these dogs at these get togethers (which are never at the dog owner's houses).  They are constantly skittish and underfoot being in a new space.  They aren't puppies and still have accidents with the excitement, all the bodies, the food smells, the wrapping paper, etc.  They whine during meals and that becomes the meal conversation, etc etc etc.  

I wouldn't dream of telling someone I needed to bring my cat to a holiday.  These people are all within driving distance and probably crate their dogs 8+ hours a day regularly for work.  I just think the assumption you should be fine with it and roll over is completely obnoxious.  Like hosting for a single big meal isn't enough, but the overnights, multiple meals, 24 people, etc etc etc.  The ILs did choose the puppy over your holiday when you are already WAY above and beyond what many people would be willing to do and they shouldn't get bent out of shape about a boundary not to bring unpredictable chaos into an already chaotic situation.  I understand why this wouldn't rattle someone who has dogs and is used to dogs.  But they aren't hosting. 

It gets really old as a non-dog owner to just have the assumption be that everyone is always fine with your marginally behaved animal. The dogs in tap room trend is really mixed for me.  If your dog gets wound up with noise and crowds, nope, they shouldn't be in the tap room.  And tap room staff doesn't want to enforce a boundary because they want to be welcoming to your dogs.    And I actually really do like a lot of dogs.  My husband is low grade allergic to many dogs and cats work better for our life style right now.  

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I am going to reply from the perspective of one of the other people invited to your house.  
Since I know you I also know you don’t have a dog and I accepted the invitation to your house.  I am however also utterly terrified of dogs.  I can mostly deal with it while the dog in question is on a leash and I am at least 10 feet away.  Closer than that or off leash my heart races and I begin to panic.  I can not control this reaction.  
So if came to your house and found out there was an untrained puppy there I would have to leave.  It is not really an option to stay.  I would be forever jumpy and scared and that is no way to spend the day.  I don’t go around advertising my fear.  Most people are demeaning about it and say that “my dog is different” or “but he/she is friendly” or something like that.  It doesn’t help.  I am allergic to dogs too, but that can be managed with antihistamines.  The fear can not.

 

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Besides dog friendly hotel, is it warm enough where you are that pup could stay in their vehicle and go for walks on public street?  Never need to come inside your house?  If that were so, you might really not know it’s there other than it’s humans needing to excuse themselves to walk it and feed and water it.    I like dog friendly motel idea for overnight, but a young puppy probably can’t stay alone in one during visit. 

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Nope.

We have a pet-free home because of allergies.  I should not have to take several antihistamines that make me feel drowsy for MY holiday hosting. We have denied family who asked to bring their puppy to our home for Thanksgiving.  Made it real inconvenient last year because one of them had to excuse themselves and drive 30 minutes one way to let out and spend time with the puppy, but that was a choice they made when they got the dog in the first place.  

Summertime when the dog could be tied up outside at all times?  Different story and I might say yes, but it would be weather dependent. 

 

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I would go along with it because I just don’t think there’s any good way of turning down that request. People always looooove their own dogs and IME, way underestimate how annoying their dog is to other people. 

I actually had a very similar thing happen one year when we hosted Christmas and my niece got a puppy for Christmas. They brought the puppy to our house, which, if anyone had cared about how I felt about it, it would have been a hard no. But nobody asked if I minded and, even if they had, I don’t know how I could have politely said, “no, I don’t want your puppy at my house for Christmas!” 

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I would go along with it because I just don’t think there’s any good way of turning down that request. People always looooove their own dogs and IME, way underestimate how annoying their dog is to other people. 

 

"No, you can't bring the puppy. I don't think it's good for the dog. I'll see you next year, so sorry it didn't work out this year!"

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19 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I would say No .

I don't believe in animals in the house.

I don't believe in people treating animals like humans.

 I don't believe in bringing animals to other people's houses and forcing them to let them into their house.

if there was not other solution then they could have their dog tied up next to their car for the duration of their visit. 

I don't think people tie dogs outside anymore.  I haven't seen anyone do that since the 80s.  I'm not sure it's even legal anymore.

 

I'd probably tell them that it was ok for THIS trip only IF they called everyone on the guest list and made sure there were no allergies.  If something goes wrong you already said you'd never do it again.  In reality it's a 'guest' that you won't have to feed or interact with so it might be the easiest one to host.  I'm not sure you could even hear a puppy whine over the din of 30 people unless your family is a LOT quieter than mind.   

Recently, I grudgingly had lunch with a friend who takes her new puppy EVERYWHERE.  It was one of those cute-but-yippy tiny breeds.  It was fine.  I'm glad I didn't protest.  The dog slept on her lap or quietly looked around for about 4 hours.  It never made any noise.  She gave it water and walked it once quickly and it wasn't a problem at all.  

Bad timing aside, they're responsible for this dog now.  Even if they find a pet friendly hotel they can't leave the dog when they come to dinner.

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11 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

"No, you can't bring the puppy. I don't think it's good for the dog. I'll see you next year, so sorry it didn't work out this year!"

OTOH, that would solve the problem of ever being expected to host again, since I would be spurned by all the dog lovers. 🤔

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20 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

 

if there was not other solution then they could have their dog tied up next to their car for the duration of their visit. 

 

52 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don't think people tie dogs outside anymore.  I haven't seen anyone do that since the 80s.  I'm not sure it's even legal anymore.

It's not legal in many municipalities in the U.S., thank goodness. 

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On 11/23/2019 at 8:42 PM, FuzzyCatz said:

I like dogs.  But a busy puppy in a new situation with 24 extra people (!?) in your house for 2 days?   Hard no.  If you are doing the primary cooking and prepping and organizing for that you get the final vote IMO.   If DH pushed, dog would be crated in a garage or basement or outside.  The end.  

This.

We love dogs and have two ourselves - but I’ll admit I do NOT care for the puppy stage. And regardless of what your DH says, you will absolutely know the puppy is there.

I would only do it with the contingency that the pup remain crated, with the exception of leashed walks. TBF, bringing a new puppy to a big family gathering for days at a time is going to stress the puppy out at least as much as it stresses you out. 

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23 hours ago, ikslo said:

What if one of your other guests is allergic and only said yes to coming because they knew you didn’t have dogs?

I would say that there is at least one person coming that is allergic or afraid or generally doesn’t like dogs.  I think many people don’t like dogs, but are afraid to say so.  I have been stuck at MIL’s house when one of dh’s siblings or their kids bring dogs.  One of my kids gets freaked out by dogs that get too close.  I would be quiet, but fuming inside to be invited without being informed a dog would be there.  Yes, you will know the puppy is there.  You can say crate only, but it will likely be let out by one of those 24 people in the house who feel sorry for it.  I would say no.

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Well, the puppy will be coming. I am deciding to just be fine with it. None of the guests will mind-they are all either parents, siblings, or niece and nephews of dh. I think we are the only family without a dog. Sixteen of them are children (including mine). I don’t believe dh for a minute that I won’t know the puppy is there. I just don’t imagine it going well with all the kids, but maybe they will all be very entertained with the puppy.
 
I will update with how it goes.

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I'm a person who thinks it's inconsiderate and rude to subject the other guest unknowingly to an animal before they accept the invitation to come to your home. Most dog people aren't able to hear and accept how much other people dislike dogs-even theirs.  Especially theirs. Don't be surprised if resentment builds up in more than one guest. Just because they're related to your spouse doesn't mean they will like being stuck with the puppy where they're staying.  Be prepared to hear at least one of them say so to you directly  or behind your back to others which could eventually make its way to you. Have a prepared response.

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16 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don't think people tie dogs outside anymore.  I haven't seen anyone do that since the 80s.  I'm not sure it's even legal anymore.

 

 

If there is adequate shelter from weather conditions and access to water, it can be a safe solution to many problems. It depends on what the dog is conditioned to, as well. Like anything, loving care is assumed.

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51 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

If there is adequate shelter from weather conditions and access to water, it can be a safe solution to many problems. It depends on what the dog is conditioned to, as well. Like anything, loving care is assumed.

22 states and the District of Columbia have anti-tethering laws. And individual counties/cities/towns in other states have passed their own laws. It's an all around very bad, awful idea to tie a dog up, especially a very young puppy. I wouldn't do it in a million years. But if the OP's relatives even wanted to consider it I'd strongly suggest researching the state and local laws first.

Edited by Pawz4me
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On 11/23/2019 at 4:18 PM, lovinmyboys said:

Dh assures me I won’t even know the puppy is here, but I am just really aggravated by it. And yes my ILs know how I feel about dogs, but I think they just don’t get it because they are “dog people.”

 

My MIL is like that about beef (I don’t eat) and FIL  about beer. Do you have backyard where your guest can stay put? I would be tempted to rent porta-potty and restrict guests to the backyard. 

Depending on the size of the puppy, I might be tempted to buy a dog stroller. My elderly neighbor has one and she goes shopping with her dog in the stroller, something like this https://www.chewy.com/paws-pals-jogger-folding-dog-cat/dp/147856

I would also be booking housecleaning for when the relatives leave. My kids’ mess are tiring enough, 24 guests with or without a puppy is tiring. 

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We have a Great Dane, and until our two elderly dogs passed in the last year, we had three pups here. So we are dog people.

That said, I'm not crazy about other people's dogs in my house. And puppies can be really destructive unless the attention is on them constantly. Maybe if it is a tiny dog that will always be in hand. I know for sure you do not want a Great Dane puppy on the loose in your house during Thanksgiving!

I guess I would either say no, or ask that they have a crate that is used unless the puppy is being watched. I would also ask about house training and where pup is with that.🙂

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5 hours ago, ByeByeMartha said:

 I had to chuckle about your DH's comment about "not knowing the puppy is there." Usually they're rambunctious toddlers 

I think the OP said there were going to be 16 children there, so I suppose it's possible a puppy would just get lost in the crowd 😄

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Some of the responses make me wonder how folks would respond to the host having a puppy or dog of her own.  I mean nearly half of Americans have dogs.

I do think it's generally rude to invite one's dog to someone else's party ... but if it's a really close person who is staying there overnight, it doesn't seem so odd.  One assumes they'd follow the same rules as they should with their own kid - supervise, don't let him break stuff or pee on my carpet or cry all night if you can help it.  If your kid or dog can't handle the situation, make other plans until they can.

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44 minutes ago, SKL said:

Some of the responses make me wonder how folks would respond to the host having a puppy or dog of her own.  I mean nearly half of Americans have dogs.

 

When people know up front there's a dog when the invitation is issued, they can decline the invitation.  I know people who are allergic to cats or dogs or have dog phobic family member, or just dislike dogs in general.  They make other plans.

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2 hours ago, SKL said:

Some of the responses make me wonder how folks would respond to the host having a puppy or dog of her own.  I mean nearly half of Americans have dogs.


I would decline the invitation.  Just like I would decline any other invitation that I didn’t want to attend for whatever reason.

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1sil gets to choose between coming here and being allowed to bring her dog* (but not her son and his gf), or going to 2sil's and NOT bringing her dog, but allowed to bring her eldest son and gf. (he's very in your face about his politics and loves to argue with everyone.)

we'll see which one is more important to her.  she does prefer out homemade food to 2sil's convenience food that comes in boxes and cans.

 

* sil's dog is very territorial with other dogs (why the previous owner got rid of it after her father died), but is getting old.  1dd's 19mo puppy wants to play all the time.  sil's dog now runs away and hides from him.  it's hilarious.  I've got beef rib bones to keep puppy occupied during dinner.

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1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

When people know up front there's a dog when the invitation is issued, they can decline the invitation.  I know people who are allergic to cats or dogs or have dog phobic family member, or just dislike dogs in general.  They make other plans.

Yup. I haven’t been in my sister’s house for 20 years because of anaphylactic pet allergies. She chose to have pets. 🤷‍♀️

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