Finding support for overcoming an eating disorder (CC)

[Night Elf]

I won't go into details but I'm struggling... really struggling. I need someone to vent to, someone to listen to my complaints and just general discussion back and forth as to how I'm doing when I'm failing and when I'm doing well. Where can I find something like that? I can't go into a program because I'd have to take a lot of time off work. I actually don't feel I need a program but yet it's been months and months and I'm in no better position except I've gained 10 lbs. and hate myself for it. I think DH is tired of hearing it. My manager who has become a close friend pulls the Christian card on me. She holds me accountable but I don't bring it up to her and she forgets about it. Due to a stupid comment of mine today, she took my phone and found the My Fitness Pal app and deleted it. That was the 3rd time she's done that. She said if it happened again, we'd have words and I wouldn't like them. I appreciate her help and love but she doesn't see this as a problem I can overcome on my own. She just tells me I need to stop and trust God more, that I'm acting like I know more than God and that makes me arrogant in his eyes. So once again I'm going to try to go without tracking but I sense extreme discomfort and just know I'll fail again. 

Sorry for the venting but I'm really in a bad spot. I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has BTDT and survived. I'll listen to others as well but I may be defensive and I don't know how to be otherwise. I don't know what to do!

[PeachyDoodle]

I don't have specific advice, because I have BTDT and a lot really hinges on the particulars of the situation. But I wanted to offer my support and prayers and let you know you're not alone. ED's are rotten, they can be wickedly tenacious, and IME if you haven't suffered this way there's just really no way to understand.

For me, finding a counselor who specialized in ED's was critical. Mine also practiced Intuitive Eating, which was great for me -- but depending on the severity of the situation might not be enough. There are some groups online, especially on Facebook, but again, that may or may not be a good route, depending on the situation. Have you spoken to your doctor?

As a Christian, I spent a number of years beating myself up for not having the faith or whatever to stop the disorder. It is not helpful. For that I reason, I personally sought a secular counselor. 

Hugs and prayers to you.

[Annie G]

You’ve used a counselor in the past, correct? Maybe it’s time to start seeing her again. 
‘Your friend/manager might have good intentions but she’s not trained to help you through this and I don’t think she understands your struggle.  It might be time for you to tell her you want her as a good friend but need her to back off ‘helping’ you with your ED. 
 

I’m sorry. I know you really want to conquer this. Sure wish I could help you. 

[WendyLady]

I'm not having the same struggle, but I want you to know that I have so much compassion for you! Hugs!

Edited November 23, 2019 by WendyLady

[ktgrok]

Are there online forums for ED or maybe on facebook - some kind of group?

But I really really think you need to connect with someone qualified to diagnose OCD. You obviously feel a compulsion to track, you are obsessed with your weight, and from what you said elsewhere you also feel a compulsion to reread books you don't even want to read, etc. There are specific therapies for OCD that are very different from just talk therapy - ERP is I think one. 

Hugs. 

[ktgrok]

https://www.verywellmind.com/ocd-and-bipolar-disorder-2510583

[ktgrok]

Also found this: 

https://www.waldeneatingdisorders.com/blog/eating-disorders-and-ocd-a-complicated-mix/

 

"An important distinction between OCD and eating disorders lies in the relationship that the individual has with their thoughts and actions. A person with OCD is typically in an ego-dystonic relationship with their thoughts and actions, meaning that they find the obsessions and compulsions in conflict with or aversive to their identity. In eating disorders, the relationship between the individual and their thoughts and actions typically is ego-syntonic, meaning that the person feels aligned with these thoughts and behaviors. This distinction can make a big difference in treatment. People with OCD are typically highly interested in ridding themselves of their thoughts and feelings whereas people with eating disorder may feel more tied to these components of their disorder since it feels like a part of their identity."

[maize]

43 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Are there online forums for ED or maybe on facebook - some kind of group?

But I really really think you need to connect with someone qualified to diagnose OCD. You obviously feel a compulsion to track, you are obsessed with your weight, and from what you said elsewhere you also feel a compulsion to reread books you don't even want to read, etc. There are specific therapies for OCD that are very different from just talk therapy - ERP is I think one. 

Hugs. 

I also thought of OCD when I read your post.

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Are there online forums for ED or maybe on facebook - some kind of group?

But I really really think you need to connect with someone qualified to diagnose OCD. You obviously feel a compulsion to track, you are obsessed with your weight, and from what you said elsewhere you also feel a compulsion to reread books you don't even want to read, etc. There are specific therapies for OCD that are very different from just talk therapy - ERP is I think one. 

Hugs. 

Yes.  I think OCD is probably your issue far more than eating disorder.  

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, Night Elf said:

I won't go into details but I'm struggling... really struggling. I need someone to vent to, someone to listen to my complaints and just general discussion back and forth as to how I'm doing when I'm failing and when I'm doing well. Where can I find something like that? I can't go into a program because I'd have to take a lot of time off work. I actually don't feel I need a program but yet it's been months and months and I'm in no better position except I've gained 10 lbs. and hate myself for it. I think DH is tired of hearing it. My manager who has become a close friend pulls the Christian card on me. She holds me accountable but I don't bring it up to her and she forgets about it. Due to a stupid comment of mine today, she took my phone and found the My Fitness Pal app and deleted it. That was the 3rd time she's done that. She said if it happened again, we'd have words and I wouldn't like them. I appreciate her help and love but she doesn't see this as a problem I can overcome on my own. She just tells me I need to stop and trust God more, that I'm acting like I know more than God and that makes me arrogant in his eyes. So once again I'm going to try to go without tracking but I sense extreme discomfort and just know I'll fail again. 

Sorry for the venting but I'm really in a bad spot. I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has BTDT and survived. I'll listen to others as well but I may be defensive and I don't know how to be otherwise. I don't know what to do!

 

Why would you let her take your phone at all, let alone allow her to delete an app???

She wasn’t being helpful; she was being a jerk. 

I think it’s time to set some boundaries with her and go back to being friends and coworkers, without giving her so much authority over your personal life. She may be trying to help, but I can’t imagine that her methods are beneficial to you. Also, who is she to tell you how God feels about you or what you do??? That is just plain WRONG! Unless she’s meeting God for coffee and a game of cards twice a week, she has no place lecturing you about that, because she is trying to intimidate you by acting like she knows something she has no way of knowing. 

[popmom]

Sorry. I didn't read the comments. I'm a Christian, and I want to punch your manager in the throat. 

And then I would ask her...So what does that look like? Trusting God more--what does that even mean? My Xtain friend who died from metastatic breast cancer--did she not trust enough? Arrogant in his eyes? UMM, project much? 

So I know that doesn't sound very Xtian of me, but hey--I KNOW I need Jesus. Because I want to punch this person in the throat.

Show her this quote and see if she gets it.

"You'll never celebrate grace as much as you should when you think you're more righteous than you actually are." Paul David Tripp

No one can trust God enough. There is GRACE for that. His supply of grace is inexhaustible for those who believe. Rest. Also for those who believe...God sees you as clothed with the righteousness of Christ.  (Insert Romans 6 here) Also for those who believe...Your suffering is NOT meaningless. It can be communion with God--sharing in the sufferings of Christ. 

I do not have an ED, but 2 of my daughters have Binge Eating Disorder. Neither has required hospitalization or partial hospitalization. We have a psychiatrist, and nutritionist, and a counselor. They all communicate with each other regarding my daughters' treatment. 

Know that there is an ADHD drug that is approved for treat BED. Vyvanse. Game changer for us.

Finding the right health care providers is so hard. I'm praying for you tonight that this will happen for you. I was fortunate in that I had friends who were very open about there own struggles, so I know people who had EDs. I talked with them and found out who specialized in this. 

Though You Slay Me by Shane and Shane

 

 

[popmom]

I read through all the comments. 

I apologize for wanting to punch your co worker. She is your friend, and it was insensitive of me to express my anger toward her in that way not thinking about how it might affect you. 

Don't stop reaching out for help. After reading the comments, I would suggest that you find a psychiatrist or psychologist who is known as an excellent diagnostician. Easier said than done I know. Still praying.

[Night Elf]

10 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

https://www.verywellmind.com/ocd-and-bipolar-disorder-2510583

Interesting. I do see some points in that article. I suppose it's something I should share with my psychiatrist.

[Night Elf]

Why do I give my friend so much power over me? Because she's been a God-send in other areas of my life. Also, she has a very commanding stature like my DH does and I'm a submissive type personality. I allow them to make changes in my life but the thing is I then fall back into my own habits and try to live in such a way as to hide those habits from them. My friend is truly concerned for me. Some of our other coworkers pray with us because they know this is an area in which I struggle. I don't think she's being arrogant by acting like she knows God's thoughts. I think she's projecting some of her own personal experiences into my life. She never suffered from an ED but she did suffer from some other things that have similarities. She knows my belief in God is shaky and she talks about trusting Him and she's including my beliefs. I'll admit I try to give over my cares but there are two areas where I feel like I need to continue worrying over and one of them is my eating/tracking/weighing. I've read, talked to someone at church and listened to videos and have learned that I'm in trouble when I do not cast all my cares. I just have trouble doing that and pray every day to let those things go.

Last night my DH got upset with me when I told him what happened at work. He doesn't want me tracking either and he's extremely adamant that I not lose any of the weight I have gained. I have tracked since October 15th and have lost 3 lbs. I'm upset that I'm not losing more but he's upset that I'm even trying to lose. It's just hard because I truly believe both my DH and friend want to help me because they love me and they see how unhappy I am when I track and weigh. Then they see how I'm unhappy without tracking because I feel like I'm no longer in control. That's where my friend wants me to trust God. I'm not the one in control of my life, He is.

I did try to find a counselor that specialized in EDs but ended up with a graduate student and I didn't care for our first two sessions. I didn't feel a connection with her. Some of the counselors I found were charging almost $200 a session and I simply cannot afford that. I am under the impression that my insurance won't pay for outside care when they have providers within our network. I suppose I'll ask my psychiatrist what she thinks I should do if I do not want to enter into a program. My insurance Will pay for that program so maybe they'll pay for just individual sessions.

[sassenach]

I think a program is a great idea and you should more seriously consider it. You've been posting about your struggles for years and I just want some longterm victory for you. I definitely, 1000% think you should seek out professional help that fits. I know you've been on and off with some bad fits, but I don't think giving up on it is serving you. 

Whatever you do, and I know this is easier said than done, I hope you will do it with a professional. 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Night Elf said:

Why do I give my friend so much power over me? Because she's been a God-send in other areas of my life. Also, she has a very commanding stature like my DH does and I'm a submissive type personality. I allow them to make changes in my life but the thing is I then fall back into my own habits and try to live in such a way as to hide those habits from them. My friend is truly concerned for me. Some of our other coworkers pray with us because they know this is an area in which I struggle. I don't think she's being arrogant by acting like she knows God's thoughts. I think she's projecting some of her own personal experiences into my life. She never suffered from an ED but she did suffer from some other things that have similarities. She knows my belief in God is shaky and she talks about trusting Him and she's including my beliefs. I'll admit I try to give over my cares but there are two areas where I feel like I need to continue worrying over and one of them is my eating/tracking/weighing. I've read, talked to someone at church and listened to videos and have learned that I'm in trouble when I do not cast all my cares. I just have trouble doing that and pray every day to let those things go.

Last night my DH got upset with me when I told him what happened at work. He doesn't want me tracking either and he's extremely adamant that I not lose any of the weight I have gained. I have tracked since October 15th and have lost 3 lbs. I'm upset that I'm not losing more but he's upset that I'm even trying to lose. It's just hard because I truly believe both my DH and friend want to help me because they love me and they see how unhappy I am when I track and weigh. Then they see how I'm unhappy without tracking because I feel like I'm no longer in control. That's where my friend wants me to trust God. I'm not the one in control of my life, He is.

I did try to find a counselor that specialized in EDs but ended up with a graduate student and I didn't care for our first two sessions. I didn't feel a connection with her. Some of the counselors I found were charging almost $200 a session and I simply cannot afford that. I am under the impression that my insurance won't pay for outside care when they have providers within our network. I suppose I'll ask my psychiatrist what she thinks I should do if I do not want to enter into a program. My insurance Will pay for that program so maybe they'll pay for just individual sessions.

 

The difference between your friend and me is that I don’t see this as a “Give it to God” issue; I see it as a mental health issue that can’t simply be prayed away.  

Your friend may be very well-meaning, but if she is not suggesting skilled professional psychiatric help in addition to the prayer she’s believes is so important, she is doing you an extreme disservice.

And if you know you are a submissive person, that’s something else to discuss with a professional, as it’s something you should be working on. I don’t like the idea that you are so influenced by your manager and that you are so trusting of everything she says. What if the next person who says she can help you with your problems turns out to be a cult leader? Being a submissive person isn’t an excuse for letting other people tell you what to do and how to think — and apparently, in this case, how God feels about what you’re doing. 

It seems almost like you are using your submissiveness as an excuse to let other people tell you how to solve your mental health problems, and that’s not going to work in the long run.

Forget about what your manager is telling you that you should be doing and feeling — what do YOU really want to happen? What do YOU want to do? What do YOU think will make you happier? And how can you get the professional help you need to make those things happen for you?

Because as lovely as it sounds to just cast away your cares and give it all to God, I have to tell you that I seriously doubt you’re going to be able to do that. It has nothing to do with your faith being shaky or any weakness on your part. It has to do with you being a normal person who needs actual professional help with serious issues — and if you want to look at this from a religious perspective, how about considering that maybe “giving it to God” means having the knowledge that God wants you to be well, and He wants you to get all of the professional help that is available to you. Do you really think God would want you to shoulder all of this on your own, with no other advice than to get rid of your fitness trackers and keep praying and trying to be a better Christian? 

Edited November 23, 2019 by Catwoman

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

The difference between your friend and me is that I don’t see this as a “Give it to God” issue; I see it as a mental health issue that can’t simply be prayed away.  

Your friend may be very well-meaning, but if she is not suggesting skilled professional psychiatric help in addition to the prayer she’s believes is so important, she is doing you an extreme disservice.

...

Because as lovely as it sounds to just cast away your cares and give it all to God, I have to tell you that I seriously doubt you’re going to be able to do that. It has nothing to do with your faith being shaky or any weakness on your part. It has to do with you being a normal person who needs actual professional help with serious issues

This. People would not suggest to a person with cancer or diabetes to just trust in God, but recommend seeing a medical professional. Mental illness is no different. Faith doesn't cure either. 

Edited November 23, 2019 by regentrude

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Night Elf said:

 She knows my belief in God is shaky and she talks about trusting Him and she's including my beliefs. I'll admit I try to give over my cares but there are two areas where I feel like I need to continue worrying over and one of them is my eating/tracking/weighing. I've read, talked to someone at church and listened to videos and have learned that I'm in trouble when I do not cast all my cares. I just have trouble doing that and pray every day to let those things go.

I am saying this gently: this approach makes you blame yourself for not overcoming your mental illness. You would not treat a friend with cancer like this and make them feel it is their fault for not being healed because they don't pray hard enough, right? You should not treat yourself like this over your mental illness either. Hugs. I hope you can show yourself the same compassion you would have for a friend.

ETA: all these suggestions from books and videos may work for a mentally healthy individual who just tends to worry a little bit too much. They can pray and use mindfulness and whatnot and get over it. But these things do not simply work for a person with an actual anxiety disorder or other pathologies.

Edited November 23, 2019 by regentrude

[PeterPan]

17 hours ago, Night Elf said:

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has BTDT and survived.

You might find http://www.kimclairy.com  interesting. She came to a conference I was at this weekend, and I went to a talk she gave on mental health and eating disorders and the challenges when they converge. You might even just contact her and see what she'd suggest. It looks like she has a blog, and she's pretty out about how her mix of challenges was *mis*handled by the mental health community. And I think she's on the other side, stable, yes. 

I agree with the others that it's inappropriate to reduce to a volition problem (you don't trust God enough) something that is more complex.

[Catwoman]

13 minutes ago, regentrude said:

This. People would not suggest to a person with cancer or diabetes to just trust in God, but recommend seeing a medical professional. Mental illness is no different. Faith doesn't cure either. 

 

9 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am saying this gently: this approach makes you blame yourself for not overcoming your mental illness. You would not treat a friend with cancer like this and make them feel it is their fault for not being healed because they don't pray hard enough, right? You should not treat yourself like this over your mental illness either. Hugs. I hope you can show yourself the same compassion you would have for a friend.

ETA: all these suggestions from books and videos may work for a mentally healthy individual who just tends to worry a little bit too much. They can pray and use mindfulness and whatnot and get over it. But these things do not simply work for a person with an actual anxiety disorder or other pathologies.

 

YES!!!!!

If your manager told to you to just pray harder and you would be cured of a disease, you would think she was out of her mind, and you’d make an appointment with a specialist. You would probably keep praying, too, but you wouldn’t rely solely on prayer. 

This is the SAME THING. 

Don’t keep beating yourself up because you can’t magically pray away an actual, diagnosed condition. 

[MercyA]

This is not a spiritual problem. This is a problem with your brain, which is a physical organ just like your heart or lungs. It drives me CRAZY when people who would never suggest just praying and trusting God for any other type of illness somehow think mental illness is different.

No. Treating mental illness with medication or other psychiatric treatment is no different than a diabetic taking insulin. 

Please consider medication if you haven't already. I am a believer and I have (and will always have) OCD, and medication has been life-changing for me. I never expected it to help so much. There is no shame in it and it has ZERO to do with your faith.

Hoping you find whatever help you need. I know how hard it is. Hugs.

Edited November 24, 2019 by MercyA

[Night Elf]

I have other mental issues besides this ED and my friend knows I'm on medication. She has no problem with that or with me seeing a counselor. Honestly. We've been through this the last two times I saw a counselor. She gave me the time off in the middle of the day to go. I know she'll be supportive if I try again. My own psychiatrist doesn't counsel. She monitors my medication and we yes we discuss everything, or at least everything I can think of to tell her. I've never considered OCD. I've never thought to tell her about how I feel about working or reading. They just weren't on my radar.

I did send her an email and she'll get it Monday. 

My DH's work has a program that gives free visits to a mental health provider for various problems. I have 8 free visits a year. I've already used 3 of them this year so I've got some left to try to find a new counselor. Finding one that has eating disorders in their list of specialties is not easy.

[maize]

Maybe look for one who lists OCD?

[Selkie]

If you're not having success finding a therapist near you, look into online therapy. I just did a quick google for "online eating disorder therapy" and it looks like there are several different programs available.

[Night Elf]

3 hours ago, Selkie said:

If you're not having success finding a therapist near you, look into online therapy. I just did a quick google for "online eating disorder therapy" and it looks like there are several different programs available.

Yeah, my DH's Employee Assistance Program has some of those. I have the consideration on the back burner because I would really prefer to talk in person. 

[6wildhorses]

If you think you may be suffering from OCD, I highly recommend the book, "Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive Compulsive Behavior," by Jeffrey Schwartz. That book and the supplement NAC were game-changers for me. I highly recommend reevaluating your relationship with your manager and setting some healthy boundaries. Her attitude about God and mental illness is very damaging and hurtful for someone dealing with mental health issues, and I find her overall behavior towards you to be odd. I understand that she's been a close friend, but it may be time to evaluate the health of your relationship. I'm sorry for your struggles, and I hope you find the support you need. It sounds like you need someone to help you establish healthy habits without becoming obsessive. This can be hard to navigate. Please don't let anyone make you feel shame or guilt about having these issues. God should be a source of hope and grace, not shame. If you're dealing with feelings of shame, I cannot recommend Brene Brown's books enough.

Edited November 27, 2019 by 6wildhorses
Typo

[ktgrok]

I think your friend is failing to get that she's basically saying that the way to stop obsessing is to stop obsessing. Which, if you could do that, you would!