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When you learn about marital separation


Ginevra
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Like, say, your niece or nephew. Do you act? Do you decide it’s none of your business? Do you figure your relative (sibling or in-law) can just manage/talk/intervene if necessary? 

Kind of feel like it’s none of my business and feel like the relative probably thinks so - mind your own business. But I want to talk to them, to ask them why...I didn’t see that one coming and it seems abrupt...but then that also makes me think I’m going to find out something I don’t want to know, and historically, I have never been very good with those situations. (Once, the guilty party said, “It is my fault,” and I deflected that admission with humor. But it really was that person’s fault!) 

And PS why does all the uncomfortable stuff have to happen right before holidays? 

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Well, of course it's none if your business. It's also none of the sibling/in laws business.

That said, I suppose it boils down to your family culture and how y'all do things. I'd probably just say something along the lines of "I'm here for you if you want to talk."

Edited by alisoncooks
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6 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

Well, of course it's none if your business. It's also none of the sibling/in laws business.

That said, I suppose it boils down to your family culture and how y'all do things. I'd probably just say something along the lines of "I'm here for you if you want to talk."

Oh, we’re generally ostrich types around here. 

I did not get this info right from the horse’s mouth, so that’s part of what makes it seem like...do I even have a right to ask or seek clarity? 

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I respond with something like, "I'm so sorry to hear that. It's very sad," etc.

I would never dream of asking why (either directly or by engaging in a gossipy chat with other family members). If the relative who was separating wanted to speak to me for some reason, I'd be happy to do whatever I could to help in whatever way they wanted. It's possible that they might like my advice, I suppose, but they'd have to ask for it. It's a hard enough season to get through without every great-auntie and second-cousin calling to ask for reasons and explanations!

I would imagine that the nearer relatives are also minding their own business and/or being kind and supportive, depending how close they are to the situation.

These things usually happen right before the holidays (or right after them) because the suffering couple is often intending to "hold out" for the holidays, hoping that the warmth and kindness of the season will help with their difficulties. Sometimes that works. Sometimes the stress and expectations of the holiday season has the opposite effect, and the couple is just too fractured to stand "faking it" at a family gathering. Alternatively, some couples have been separating gradually or secretly for months -- and the holidays are just the point at which they finally have to disclose the problem to they family bystanders.

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17 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

Well, of course it's none if your business. It's also none of the sibling/in laws business.

That said, I suppose it boils down to your family culture and how y'all do things. I'd probably just say something along the lines of "I'm here for you if you want to talk."

 

I agree.  I wouldn't ask any questions at all and only offer support if needed or wanted.  

 

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14 minutes ago, Quill said:

 

I did not get this info right from the horse’s mouth, so that’s part of what makes it seem like...do I even have a right to ask or seek clarity? 

 

Nope. I would not ask if the information was from someone else. It feels gossipy. 

My friend told me and I asked her why as she knows she is not obligated to answer if she don’t want to. Her ex is a NPD person. I found out my uncle’s wife separated amicably and then divorce him from my parents when I was a kid. Didn’t ask either my uncle or my uncle’s ex-wife why. They did tell us why many years later. 

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22 minutes ago, Quill said:

Oh, we’re generally ostrich types around here. 

I did not get this info right from the horse’s mouth, so that’s part of what makes it seem like...do I even have a right to ask or seek clarity? 

Ah, I saw the word "intervene" and was immediately like "Heck no! Don't do it!"

But if you've only heard through the grapevine and wanna confirm...hmmm.  I mean, my family is close but I'm not local so I get family info (gossip) from my parents.  I have 1-2 cousins that I would say, "Hey, I heard xxxx..?" and they wouldn't be offended. (And I still don't have any right to know, I'm just nosy.) But for everyone else, it's still a nope, MYOB. 

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Just now, alisoncooks said:

Ah, I saw the word "intervene" and was immediately like "Heck no! Don't do it!"

But if you've only heard through the grapevine and wanna confirm...hmmm.  I mean, my family is close but I'm not local so I get family info (gossip) from my parents.  I have 1-2 cousins that I would say, "Hey, I heard xxxx..?" and they wouldn't be offended. (And I still don't have any right to know, I'm just nosy.) But for everyone else, it's still a nope, MYOB. 

Well, not really grapevine - the person telling definitely knows the facts, since they are a parent of one of the parties. My intention would definitely not be to, say, be “in the know” or have some juicy bit of tale to tell. I’m wondering if I could help, or if they need someone to help them sort through something...I don’t know; sounds fairy-tail wishes when I say that out loud. Some people separate and they need to cool off; there is still hope, they’re just all mixed up about XYZ issues. Others separate when the straw broke the camel’s back and they are D.O.N.E. I guess I’m thinking, if they are in that first category, maybe it can be saved. 

I’m just really sad about it, it turns out.

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I would definitely not ask why. Do you really want to hear, "I walked in on her sleeping with the pool boy" or some such? Awkward. And painful for them to be asked again and again. They will release whatever information they wish, when they wish. 

52 minutes ago, Quill said:

Do you figure your relative (sibling or in-law) can just manage/talk/intervene if necessary? 

Why would anyone be managing/talking/intervening? They're adults, their marriage is their business. 

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3 minutes ago, katilac said:

I would definitely not ask why. Do you really want to hear, "I walked in on her sleeping with the pool boy" or some such? Awkward. And painful for them to be asked again and again. They will release whatever information they wish, when they wish. 

Why would anyone be managing/talking/intervening? They're adults, their marriage is their business. 

It just seems so abrupt and shocking. I didn’t see it coming and I guess I’m just hoping it’s not a rash decision and nobody has said, “Wow, are you sure?” 

I would pretty much expect a parent to manage/talk/intervene some. Like, it would really weird to me if the conversation went:

”Mom, we are getting divorced. It’s over and that’s final.”

and the parent said, “Well, okay, then. Bean dip?” 

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I could see a parent maybe attempting to open a conversation about what is going on or what happened if they have a good relationship.  I really can't see anyone else doing it without being rude.  

I honestly would wait for it to come from the horse's mouth and then say "I'm sorry.  I'm here to talk if you need anything.".  

I also think a question like that can rarely be answered in a straight forward way.  It's often months or years in the making with multiple dynamics and events gone into it.  My husband was divorced prior to meeting me.  It was a young marriage.  He would HATE to be asked that by anyone.  He can't even answer it in any way that someone say "Oh, I get it". 

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30 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, not really grapevine - the person telling definitely knows the facts, since they are a parent of one of the parties.

 

18 minutes ago, Quill said:

It just seems so abrupt and shocking. I didn’t see it coming and I guess I’m just hoping it’s not a rash decision and nobody has said, “Wow, are you sure?” 

I would pretty much expect a parent to manage/talk/intervene some.

 

If I were to ever separate from my husband, the reason would actually be my in-laws being too self centered being the last straw. So I would not put much stock in parents being of help in preventing a divorce. I have known more cases of in-laws hastening divorces, where the spouses are tolerable but the other half gave up on reconciliation because of the spouses’ parent(s).

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You aren’t owed an explanation for sure. I do think it’s okay to ask if someone would like to talk about it - essentially invite them to say why. But only if you already have a close enough relationship and only if you’re really okay with hearing it. Like, if they’re (in your view) unfairly bitter or if they reveal something unethical someone (them or the soon to be ex) did, will you be able to live with it? 

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18 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

If I were to ever separate from my husband, the reason would actually be my in-laws being too self centered being the last straw. So I would not put much stock in parents being of help in preventing a divorce. I have known more cases of in-laws hastening divorces, where the spouses are tolerable but the other half gave up on reconciliation because of the spouses’ parent(s).

I wanted to "like" your post, but, it seemed weird to "like" it, but, I am in the same boat as you. So, I understand what you mean.

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I think it really depends on how close  you are to your relative in the separating couple. 

I have 6 nieces and nephews. Some, if I heard they were splitting with their spouse, I'd be like "ah, that's too bad" and move on. And some, with whom I am very close, I would feel comfortable contacting and saying "I just heard that you and X are separating!  I'm so sorry! You know I'm here if you want to talk to me!"   In all cases, I know them well enough to know what would be right.  

Saying this gently... if you are not close enough to know what to say/do, I think the answer is, say/do nothing.

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1 hour ago, Quill said:

It just seems so abrupt and shocking. I didn’t see it coming and I guess I’m just hoping it’s not a rash decision and nobody has said, “Wow, are you sure?” 

I would pretty much expect a parent to manage/talk/intervene some.

I sure hope if my DH and I were ever to separate (no plans) that my parents would stay out of it and not intervene. They should trust us that we would have thought this through. Also, why do you consider continuing a marriage that obviously causes problems for the couple preferable to a separation? Why should somebody talk to them?

You can offer to be there if your relative wants to talk. That's it. It's not your place to ask. Or to be given an explanation. That's solely between the couple. And many couples are very good at not displaying their conflict to the whole family; that does not mean they are making a rash decision. I would consider this insinuation as insulting.

Edited by regentrude
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1 hour ago, Quill said:

I would pretty much expect a parent to manage/talk/intervene some. Like, it would really weird to me if the conversation went:

”Mom, we are getting divorced. It’s over and that’s final.”

and the parent said, “Well, okay, then. Bean dip?” 

I would expect a parent to talk, not manage, not intervene. If your grown child tells you that they made a decision and further states that "it's over and final" then you should take that as a crystal clear signal that they don't want you to manage or intervene, lol. 

Talking, to me, would be stuff like: I'm so sorry. Are you okay? This has to be so hard. Can I do anything? I'm here if you need to talk. Not necessarily all of those things or all of them at once, lol. 

If the person wants to talk about it, they will. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong or unusual about talking to family about personal issues, but some people may not want to or they may be talking to very few. I actually think the separation stage is when they are least likely to talk about it, bc if you're still trying to work things out you maybe don't want the fam to know certain secrets or hold a grudge against your spouse. And it's hard to work things out in a fishbowl. Once divorce papers are filed, most people can't stop talking, lol. 

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28 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I sure hope if my DH and I were ever to separate (no plans) that my parents would stay out of it and not intervene. They should trust us that we would have thought this through. Also, why do you consider continuing a marriage that obviously causes problems for the couple preferable to a separation? Why should somebody talk to them?

You can offer to be there if your relative wants to talk. That's it. It's not your place to ask. Or to be given an explanation. That's solely between the couple. And many couples are very good at not displaying their conflict to the whole family; that does not mean they are making a rash decision. I would consider this insinuation as insulting.

That is an interesting question to ask myself. I think the answer has to do with kids and ages and the relatively short length of time of the marriage. It seems pretty awful to me. 

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2 minutes ago, Quill said:

That is an interesting question to ask myself. I think the answer has to do with kids and ages and the relatively short length of time of the marriage. It seems pretty awful to me. 

Not necessarily more awful than staying for a long time in a marriage that is not working. Having unhappy parents stay together for the kids' sake is not great for kids either. You can turn it around and say, good for realizing early that it was a mistake and getting out before decades of resentment have worn them down.

ETA: Just to be clear: I have been with my husband for 32 years. But I do not see maintaining a long term marriage as the ultimate best for every couple.

Edited by regentrude
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3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Not necessarily more awful than staying for a long time in a marriage that is not working. Having unhappy parents stay together for the kids' sake is not great for kids either. You can turn it around and say, good for realizing early that it was a mistake and getting out before decades of resentment have worn them down.

ETA: Just to be clear: I have been with my husband for 32 years. But I do not see maintaining a long term marriage as the ultimate best for every couple.

Yeah; I guess there’s nothing good about a bad marriage whether it ends early or it drags on unhappily. 

One of the kids has suffered a lot of loss, though, and I think...I worry about that child in particular. There were already strikes again them. 

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Don’t ask......since it is family you will most likely hear eventually.  Also occasionally couples sometimes get back together and you really don’t want to be “in the know” if that happens.

My niece had one of those mysterious divorces......as in the couple was at both my house and my mom’s within two weeks of the announcement, for all appearances in love and full of future plans.  It was a couple of years before we learned what happened and that was from her ex telling someone and the explanation filtered back.  It was finances, still makes me sad as I adored that guy.

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Am I the only person whose family culture would be to respond with, "Whoa!  What happened?"

Then the parent or whoever would give a full (if brief) explanation.  "He's cheating," is most typical.

Followed by, "I never liked him."

 

My guess is the posters from the midwest or the south will ask, and those from other areas would feel it's rude.

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9 minutes ago, Katy said:

Am I the only person whose family culture would be to respond with, "Whoa!  What happened?"

Then the parent or whoever would give a full (if brief) explanation.  "He's cheating," is most typical.

Followed by, "I never liked him."

I was under the impression the OP wanted to ask the relative who is the one separating. Not their parent.

Would, in your family culture, aunts and uncles ask the troubled couple "whoa! What happened?"

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10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Would, in your family culture, aunts and uncles ask the troubled couple "whoa! What happened?"

Yes, some of them.

Just had one of these sad stories among a young couple where we are friends with the parents. I wouldn't ask because I'm the type to just assume things. The son has always been a stuck up %##*(^@, so I figured he was cheating on her. Eventually, the story will come out. Just sad for the extended families because they are broken up about it.

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21 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I was under the impression the OP wanted to ask the relative who is the one separating. Not their parent.

Would, in your family culture, aunts and uncles ask the troubled couple "whoa! What happened?"

 

Depends.  If it was someone I was close to I would absolutely say that.  If not I'd ask their parents.

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The parents may not know.......my niece just arrived at the family home and reclaimed her bedroom very late one night.  She told my brother they were getting a divorce and we all left her alone.  Honestly we left her alone mainly because we expected them to get back together.  They didn’t........

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Definitely would not "ask" nor say anything that seems to demand an "explanation."  Like "I didn't see that coming" which implies I had a right to be in the know or something.

"Oh, I'm sorry" is fine.  I think anything more would sound like prying, like trying to get a peek into the wreckage of the home.

If you are not meeting the person and finding out from him/her, you don't actually need to say anything at all.

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No, don't ask.  Don't offer help to patch things up, (if that is what you were thinking).  Initiating a divorce is incredibly hard.  Having to face every one of your relatives at the holidays, with all of them saying "But what happened!!! Are you sure this is the right choice?! Is there anything I can do?!" is even worse. I had relatives offering to pay for marital therapy and it was awkward on top of painful.  I'm sure they divorcing relative's parent has already asked questions about "What happened?" and "Are you sure this is what you want?".  You simply may not be hearing that part of the conversation because it's kind of none of your business. 

I think all you can really say if the divorcing relative brings it up is "I heard.  I am so sorry!  This must be so hard!" and then just listen and respond sympathetically to whatever they want to share.  Lots of "I'm here for you and the kids" and words like that.  

Edited by MissLemon
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4 hours ago, Katy said:

Am I the only person whose family culture would be to respond with, "Whoa!  What happened?"

Then the parent or whoever would give a full (if brief) explanation.  "He's cheating," is most typical.

Followed by, "I never liked him."

 

My guess is the posters from the midwest or the south will ask, and those from other areas would feel it's rude.

my grandmother was from the Midwest.  she loved to stick her nose in other people's business, and tell them how to run their lives.  very much a salacious gossip.

I heard lots of how she didn't' like my brother's first wife . . . for years. . . . I reminded her, she said horrible things about my husband too (it started in full when she accused him of cheating A WEEK after we were married. - incidentally, we've been married 37 years, and he's never cheated.).  at least it shut her up.  (she also said horrible things about my dad, to the point I wasn't allowed to grieve his death in her presence.  I was 12.)

 

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I’ve ended a spouse-like relationship, and I’ve also gone through a separation. The only “intervening “ needed was from the parties involved and the professionals hired. The only family involvement needed was empathy from those specifically chosen. 

We are talkers, so I have no doubt that relatives had their own conversations and I can understand that. And we are the types that, when someone opens the door to receiving advice, we have more than enough to spare. But we DON’T knock it down and let ourselves in. 

”I’m sorry” and “If there’s anything I can do” (when the occasion arises generically) are plenty unless otherwise requested.  You do not know what’s right or best for either party. Trust that they do.

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6 hours ago, kiwik said:

Often divorces seem sudden but they usually aren"t.  For all you know one of them is emotionally or physically abusive to the other partner or the kids.  Or repeatedly unfaithful.  We never know what is going on is someone else's house.

Yeah, I realize this. My feeling that it’s sudden is based on some long-range things they were doing. Those don’t seem to me like the plans one makes if it’s a rocky marriage. 

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I wouldn't ask, unless I was quite close, for example my sisters.  My dh's brother divorced a few years ago and dh didn't ask, though his brother eventually did talk to him about it.  Their family is very private in general.  My extended family would tend to talk about it among themselves to some extent if someone separated.  "Uncle Fred and Aunt Joan are getting divorced, he was having an affair.  He never could be faithful, too bad because she was a keeper" sort of thing.

In your case I'd tend to wait for them to tell you, unless it seemed like you needed to bring it up because it was becoming awkward.  If you think they might need help with the kids or something, I'd offer through the parent who told you.

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1 hour ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I realize this. My feeling that it’s sudden is based on some long-range things they were doing. Those don’t seem to me like the plans one makes if it’s a rocky marriage. 

Sometimes people keep making plans in an effort to repair the marriage.  People even purposefully have babies in the hope that'll save the marriage. Isn't there a joke about a couple buying a boat, sure sign the marriage is in trouble? 

I'm sure my divorce seemed like a surprise to my family, and I'm sure my parents were sad about it. I don't think I talked to them much about it all, though. I didn't want to get into the nitty-gritty details of why I had to leave. Probably didn't tell my siblings much either. 

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3 hours ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I realize this. My feeling that it’s sudden is based on some long-range things they were doing. Those don’t seem to me like the plans one makes if it’s a rocky marriage. 

For all you know, these could have been desperate attempts to save the marriage.

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11 hours ago, Katy said:

My guess is the posters from the midwest or the south will ask, and those from other areas would feel it's rude.

Hmm ... I wouldn't make this stereotype about the Midwest at least.  That would not be a norm in my circles or in anyone I know and I've lived in the upper midwest my entire life.  I definitely feel it's rude.  My parents taught me from birth nosing into someone's business or giving people unsolicited advice or judgment is rude.  If someone opens up to you, that's a whole different matter.

I have a niece who has lived separate from her "husband" for years.  I have no idea what that is about.  I thought it would eventually come out a a family meet up.  Nope.  Still don't know.  Still none of my business.  
 

ETA  I'm also surprised here by how many posts assume cheating was involved if there is a divorce?  I know plenty of people who have divorced and the vast majority didn't involve cheating.  Even the cases I know where cheating was involved, the situation was complex for other reasons.  Not to ever justify cheating.  I just think divorce was inevitable prior to cheating.  It was like forcing the break on one side.

Edited by FuzzyCatz
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If it was one of my family members I would wait until they told me and tell them "I'm hear if you need to talk". Then check in on them 2x a month through text or something.

TMI: If I was separating from my husband it would be a shock to most if not everyone we knew but it's almost happen several times. I would need someone to intervene because usually when were that close to a split I'm really, really sick with mental illness. I'm good at hiding it and no one would no my real reasons. Most of my family wont butt in so I have to rely on a family friend who will try to get me to talk and explain what is really going on. 

Edited by Miguelsmom
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10 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Hmm ... I wouldn't make this stereotype about the Midwest at least.  That would not be a norm in my circles or in anyone I know and I've lived in the upper midwest my entire life.  I definitely feel it's rude.  My parents taught me from birth nosing into someone's business or giving people unsolicited advice or judgment is rude.  If someone opens up to you, that's a whole different matter.

I have a niece who has lived separate from her "husband" for years.  I have no idea what that is about.  I thought it would eventually come out a a family meet up.  Nope.  Still don't know.  Still none of my business.  

I'm a midwesterner and I agree with you. I think that being nosy is more of a personality trait, not a regional thing.

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11 hours ago, Katy said:

Am I the only person whose family culture would be to respond with, "Whoa!  What happened?"

Then the parent or whoever would give a full (if brief) explanation.  "He's cheating," is most typical.

Followed by, "I never liked him."

 

My guess is the posters from the midwest or the south will ask, and those from other areas would feel it's rude.

Right....and further, depending on how close I was to the separating couple I might also let them know I had heard and did one or both of them want to talk and could I help in any way.  My niece separated from her husband after a month and you can bet I called her and we talked.  It was just so completely bizarre....and she was as blind sided by it as the rest of us it seems.  

If she had been married for 5 years and had 2 babies, I also would have talked to her.  Sometimes, people, especially young people, are so deep in the muck they think there is no way out.  Not every couple who separates has 'carefully thought it through and needs everyone to leave them alone.'   Sometimes we need help and sometimes we don't even know how to ask for help.  

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Quill I sent you pm with more details.  Summary: in my dh's family, we've been through this 3 times in the last 3 years. Situation 1 was a total shock to us. couple split after 20 years together. no one told us for 6 months. found out day before Christmas. it was new to us.  only thing we could do was say "we found out yesterday. here's a hug".  then it was pass the food and drink. yes, cheating was involved as we found out the rest of the story 6 months later.  This was family so knowing about each other lives was part of the family culture.  Timing of questions and how to ask was a wait and see approach.   Situation 2: again, cheating.  we all know it. didn't like him when they were dating.  Found out she (family member, half sister to my dh) was in process of getting the plans to leave. Her mom clued us in that it was in the works and would take time and to pretend nothing was in the works. long story there.   when it happened, yippee!!  click the glasses at Christmastime.   Situation 3: no surprise with nephew and his latest splitting.  no questions were asked or answered. pretty much going on about lives without much to say other than "your son is too adorable in that picture!"   Differences in the situation were "sister," (relatively short term marriage) and "brother" (really long relationship and shocked) vs "brother's son" (nephew), very very short term.   Questions were asked because it's just too awkward to be too silent when major change in family happens.  Timing of questions could wait.  nothing we could do.

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We have been through this twice with dh's side of the family. First, was the day after we married. Dh's dad came over the house to tell dh him and his mom were splitting up and he'd be moving out.  It wasn't another 2 years before anyone found out why his dad left.  Because it was no one's business and his dad wouldn't have shared if he was asked.

Then their was dh's sister and her husband. They told us they were divorcing 2 years ago. The only thing that I asked was ,' are you separating for a reason that makes him unsafe for my kids to be around. Because he is their uncle and will be unless he isn't safe. I don't need to know the reason why, just need to know if he issue safe or not." She answered it was nothing unsafe and that is all I needed to know. Dh has been through a divorce before so I figured if it was something she wanted to talk about he was the one to talk to. 2 years later and we still don't know why they separated but it currently looks like they are working on getting back together.

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Idk. It makes me think of the wedding ceremonies that I’ve been a part of, and the officiant saying something along the lines of “in front of God and these witnesses”. Part of that, I believe, is that the bride and groom are entering into a covenant, and those in attendance witness that and, therefore, in a sense, help to hold them accountable to what the promised in their vows. I think it’s a very serious matter. Now, that’s not to say that I think everyone in attendance should stick their oar in at any given moment, but neither do I think that it is completely off limits for certain people to try to help.

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14 hours ago, Quill said:

It just seems so abrupt and shocking. I didn’t see it coming and I guess I’m just hoping it’s not a rash decision and nobody has said, “Wow, are you sure?” 

I would pretty much expect a parent to manage/talk/intervene some. Like, it would really weird to me if the conversation went:

”Mom, we are getting divorced. It’s over and that’s final.”

and the parent said, “Well, okay, then. Bean dip?” 

That's not how those conversations work from the parent end. It's more like, "I'm so sorry to hear that-this must be very hard for you.  If there's anything, anything at all,  I can do to help and support you through this difficult time, let me know. " 

I have a lot of experience with marriages and unmarried SO relationships with kids ending in my extended family and no way would I ask.  I've never met anyone who rashly divorced.  It might look that way from my point of view because I'm not in that relationship and because decent people keep their sh!t private, not public, and not in the extended family loop, but when someone goes so far as to end a marriage, there's whole lot more going on that I'm not privy to.  If it's not my relationship, it's not my business.

If rumor is floating around and you want to end it, you can tell the rumor weed, "If that's the case, then it's Hortense and Mortimer's story to tell, not yours." You can go to Hortense or Mortimer and say, "You should know this rumor is floating about you.  When I heard it I responded with__________."  They can then do with it what they like.  They can correct it.  They can confirm it. They can thank you for letting them know and say nothing more about it. Whatever.

I had to do this with a sibling a few years ago, but intervention on my part was necessary because the sibling's spouse was accused of a crime.   I was given information from a witness through a mutual friend because of the illegal nature of what was going on  and that my nieces (both minors at the time) were involved. The witness wanted a family member (me) to know and the witness notified the counselor at the children's school, who is a mandatory reporter.  I compiled all the info, met with sibling and said, "This is everything I was told about your spouse and. This is who told me.  You now know everything I know.  What can I do to support you and the children?" Then sibling told me about what was going on-so much more than at the surface.

They went through a nasty divorce and sibling asked me if I would be willing to give any testimony if the spouse went a particular direction with her fight. I agreed even though we both knew it would be like dropping a nuclear bomb on other extended family dynamics.   It didn't come to that and the sibling's spouse was denied access to the children and mandated professional counseling for the minor children who we in their mid and late teens at the time. I also let a close friend know who is a placement agent for the fostercare system in on what was going on so she could let CPS know through proper channels.  The offending parent was a CPS social worker.  She isn't anymore. So yes, if intervening is required because of something serious like this, then by all means, intervene.  If not, stay out of it.

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5 hours ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I realize this. My feeling that it’s sudden is based on some long-range things they were doing. Those don’t seem to me like the plans one makes if it’s a rocky marriage. 

 

OTOH, I can't count - literally - the number of couples I either personally know or have heard of through friends/family - that have had baby #2, 3, whatever, and then gone for (& gone through with) a divorce within the next 1-3 years of the child being born. The last case I heard of was a "very religious" (this was their description on their FB page) couple having baby #2 in October & filing for divorce in March. Divorce was granted sometime that year.

Note: this anecdote is not meant to make a point about religious (or not). The point is that many couples seem to have "long-range things they are doing"  (sometimes including seemingly compatible faith-based beliefs) AND they make the decision to bring **another** child into their marriage.....& then things utterly fall apart shortly after.

Clearly, couples can present one image to others & have that image be completely unrelated to their reality of daily married life.

Edited by Happy2BaMom
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