The reason my son blew his curfew

[SquirrellyMama]

Is because he feels I care more about when I want him home then his emotional connection with his friends. 

🙄

[itsheresomewhere]

So I take it he will be working on his emotional connection to his family this weekend. 

[SquirrellyMama]

3 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

So I take it he will be working on his emotional connection to his family this weekend. 

He's in the play this weekend so he'll be gone for that a lot and I'll be out of state.

I did let him know that he'll have no connection with his friends if this keeps happening.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, SquirrellyMama said:

He's in the play this weekend so he'll be gone for that a lot and I'll be out of state.

I did let him know that he'll have no connection with his friends if this keeps happening.

Gee, you are just really trying hard to ruin his life. 😂

[SquirrellyMama]

He tells me all the time that I'm so much stricter than his friends' parents. And, he's responsible enough to know when to come home. 

But, not responsible enough, as I pointed out, to come home when he's told.

That got an eye roll and another " you care more about curfew than my emotional connection with my friends"

Kelly

 

[Tanaqui]

That's a good line, though. How old is he?

Edited November 15, 2019 by Tanaqui

[gardenmom5]

 

 

5 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

He tells me all the time that I'm so much stricter than his friends' parents. And, he's responsible enough to know when to come home. 

But, not responsible enough, as I pointed out, to come home when he's told.

That got an eye roll and another " you care more about curfew than my emotional connection with my friends"

Kelly

 

I've told my kids It's my job to make them do things they don't want to do. 😜 they came to appreciate it.

I was trying to get one woman's children to help clean her apartment, and they wanted no part of it.  one of them threatened to go tell everyone at church how mean and terrible a person I was.  "go ahead - my kids will agree with you."  took the wind out of his sails . . . . he basically sat in his room and did nothing.

[SquirrellyMama]

7 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

That's a good line, though. How old is he?

He's 16 and a junior. I'm not sure I can take another year of this. 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

He told me a story of a guy who wouldn't talk to his parents for 10 years because they were so strict.

I told him that it was his decision if he decided to not talk to me for 10 years after he leaves the house. At the moment 10 years doesn't sound long enough.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

I just remind myself that it could be worse. He's not drinking or doing drugs. His grades are going down since he's decided that he doesn't want to go to college. 

He's going to go into the military. When I tell them that the military will definitely not care about his emotional connection with his friends he says I'm being mentally abusive.

Teachers were no help at conferences, they all looooovvvveee him. Want 5 more of him in class.

This too shall pass. 

 

[klmama]

10 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

This too shall pass. 

 

Yes.  I used to be a mean mom.  Then I became smart.  Nothing changed in how I did things; the dc just got a bit older and more mature.

[Shoeless]

2 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

He's going to go into the military. When I tell them that the military will definitely not care about his emotional connection with his friends he says I'm being mentally abusive.

 

The military will also institute a curfew until he leaves training status, which could be several weeks to many months, depending on his career path.  Even after he's out of training, the military can and does institute curfews for "regular" military, and the punishment for blowing your curfew is often severe. 

Forgive me if I chuckle a little, thinking about how little my 1st Sgt would have cared about my emotional connection to anyone! 

[Slache]

I think we need to institute military punishments for breaking curfew because we care about his emotional transition into service.

[Carol in Cal.]

6 minutes ago, Slache said:

I think we need to institute military punishments for breaking curfew because we care about his emotional transition into service.

Definitely he should be doing daily training runs in hiking boots with a heavy pack on, you know, to prepare properly for his destiny.

[gardenmom5]

25 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Definitely he should be doing daily training runs in hiking boots with a heavy pack on, you know, to prepare properly for his destiny.

in the rain. at high altitude. 😜

my sixth grade teacher, anyone giving him attitude was required to run across the playground on a diagonal and back to our classroom.

[gardenmom5]

38 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

The military will also institute a curfew until he leaves training status, which could be several weeks to many months, depending on his career path.  Even after he's out of training, the military can and does institute curfews for "regular" military, and the punishment for blowing your curfew is often severe. 

Forgive me if I chuckle a little, thinking about how little my 1st Sgt would have cared about my emotional connection to anyone! 

 

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

I think we need to institute military punishments for breaking curfew because we care about his emotional transition into service.

I read a fic about a recruit pulling pranks in basic.  the author said she realized how much baggage she was still carrying around from her time in basic when she wrote that.

[Shoeless]

13 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

I read a fic about a recruit pulling pranks in basic.  the author said she realized how much baggage she was still carrying around from her time in basic when she wrote that.

 

To be honest, basic training felt easy after living with my parents.  I have zero baggage from basic, but definitely have a full set of baggage from my parents. 😉 

[Rosie_0801]

Pout and tell him you don't feel he cares about your emotional connection to your son? 😛

[Tanaqui]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I just remind myself that it could be worse. He's not drinking or doing drugs. His grades are going down since he's decided that he doesn't want to go to college. 

He's going to go into the military. When I tell them that the military will definitely not care about his emotional connection with his friends he says I'm being mentally abusive.

Teachers were no help at conferences, they all looooovvvveee him. Want 5 more of him in class.

This too shall pass.

 

Oh, my. He's going into the military? When he already has this attitude? That's gonna be a wake-up.

[scholastica]

7 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I just remind myself that it could be worse. He's not drinking or doing drugs. His grades are going down since he's decided that he doesn't want to go to college. 

He's going to go into the military. When I tell them that the military will definitely not care about his emotional connection with his friends he says I'm being mentally abusive.

Teachers were no help at conferences, they all looooovvvveee him. Want 5 more of him in class.

This too shall pass. 

 

They love him because you’ve set expectations and he has to meet them.

[RootAnn]

I have a brother that had a much worse attitude. He barely graduated high school & joined the Marine Corps.

He's an amazing adult now--very motivated & hard working. He had several wakeup calls in the Marines.

[sassenach]

I think you’ll enjoy him much more after boot camp. 
 

in the meantime, I’m finding that we’ve turned a corner at 17. I’m enjoying ds more than I have in years. Hang in there!

[TravelingChris]

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

The military will also institute a curfew until he leaves training status, which could be several weeks to many months, depending on his career path.  Even after he's out of training, the military can and does institute curfews for "regular" military, and the punishment for blowing your curfew is often severe. 

Forgive me if I chuckle a little, thinking about how little my 1st Sgt would have cared about my emotional connection to anyone! 

Yes, even in Officer Training, they could not leave the base until a certain number of weeks passed.

[Aura]

10 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I just remind myself that it could be worse. He's not drinking or doing drugs. His grades are going down since he's decided that he doesn't want to go to college. 

He's going to go into the military. When I tell them that the military will definitely not care about his emotional connection with his friends he says I'm being mentally abusive.

Teachers were no help at conferences, they all looooovvvveee him. Want 5 more of him in class.

This too shall pass. 

 

So what the teachers are saying is that all your rules and high expectations have helped him become a good student and excel in school. So you should continue with what you're doing. 😉  

[SquirrellyMama]

1 hour ago, Aura said:

So what the teachers are saying is that all your rules and high expectations have helped him become a good student and excel in school. So you should continue with what you're doing. 😉  

He's a very personable kid. He has always been able to win people over, he's a charmer. Some of his teachers think I'm being unreasonable. I could tell at conferences. 

Kelly

[2squared]

33 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

He's a very personable kid. He has always been able to win people over, he's a charmer. Some of his teachers think I'm being unreasonable. I could tell at conferences. 

Kelly

 

Now I have to ask....What are the curfew and other unreasonable expectations?

[Slache]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

He's a very personable kid. He has always been able to win people over, he's a charmer. Some of his teachers think I'm being unreasonable. I could tell at conferences. 

Kelly

This is not ok. It's not their job to agree with you, but it is their responsibility to support you.

[bolt.]

13 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

Is because he feels I care more about when I want him home then his emotional connection with his friends. 

🙄

Well, of course you do. I guess he's a perceptive kid.

Did you ask him why he thought that was a problem? Or how he thinks yours-and-his priorities could both be incorporated into a better compromise?

I do see his perspective: that bringing up his military future is a pointless distraction from the things he was trying to get you to understand. He has a right to expect love, empathy, warmth, and altruism from his family. Expecting it from his family is normal. It doesn't mean he plans to head out and expect it from his employer. That would be stupid. He doesn't think that he's stupid. The two ideas just have no legitimate connection. 

What I mean is that the military, as an employer, is *supposed* to care far more for training soldiers for adequate roles in national defense than they do about the soldier's emotional well-being and personal happiness. The military doesn't love or nurture anyone. He doesn't expect them to, and he won't care when they don't. Family members are different. Families *do* love and nurture one another. Families *are* expected to care about one another's emotional well-being and personal happiness. I imagine that you have told and shown him thousands of times that these things are true in your family. Somewhere, really, when he's not breaking curfew, he's right, isn't he? I'm betting that among the things you care about for his sake, one of them is that you do care how his friendships are going. (He rightly recognized that it isn't good when someone's mother implies that she owes him nothing more than a barracks officer: especially when it's not true.)

I'm thinking that he just wanted you to wonder if your heavy focus on curfew actually is at the right priority level *in a loving family context* where he believes (probably rightly) that you also care (somewhat) about his social and emotional life. That's question has nothing to do with how he will respond to military training. Of course, in most families the answer is: Yes, getting home on time is definitely more important than the last few minutes or hours of a social engagement. He wishes it wasn't -- but wisdom prevails because you're in charge of him for now.

But that doesn't mean that his observation wasn't both true and appropriate. It also doesn't mean that your reaction to use an analogy casting your family life as 'just as cold as real life is going to be' wasn't just a little hurtful in the moment. 

Very few people don't talk to their parents for 10 years because they were strict. Usually that's because they were harsh. There's a difference. I don't think you are on the wrong side of that difference (or you would be seeing a lot more consequences already). He just got worked up. He wanted you to know that there are consequences in families that go down roads like that -- and that he hopes it won't happen to you. The fact that he bothered saying it means that it almost certainly won't.

I think he could use you saying that you know that he will be successful in the military, that blowing curfew at home doesn't mean that you actually predicting his failure. If you say nothing else, at least say that. Anxiety about the adult future is huge at this age!

If you want, you could also affirm that he's right to expect a home to be a softer place than a barracks, and that you do care about his personal well-being and relationships -- in balance. You can maybe even open a conversation on compromises around his curfew -- but affirm that, to you, getting himself home on time is definitely more important than a few more minutes to nurture his existing friendships... so he's going to need other arguments.

[SquirrellyMama]

1 hour ago, 2squared said:

 

Now I have to ask....What are the curfew and other unreasonable expectations?

Curfew can change. Last night it was 9pm since it was a school night, and he's been having late rehearsals. And, he's just been out late since we hadn't given him a curfew after rehearsals. I assumed he was coming straight home. Nope. I tell the kids that if something comes up, and they know they won't make curfew to call me. My oldest would call at least 30 minutes before hand if traffic was bad, or their dinner was delayed, a football game went long, etc... This kid calls 10 minutes before or 10 minutes after curfew. And, then when given an extension doesn't make that either.

Curfew has been at midnight or 1am depending on the circumstance. It is not the same time every time. 

Other unreasonable expectations...doing his best in school, not just what it takes to get by. So, a B+ might be good, but if I know that isn't his best, he'd better up his game. And, I'm not saying it has to be an A+, but if I know he isn't studying then I know he isn't doing his best.

Things like that...

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

Well, of course you do. I guess he's a perceptive kid.

Did you ask him why he thought that was a problem? Or how he thinks yours-and-his priorities could both be incorporated into a better compromise?

I do see his perspective: that bringing up his military future is a pointless distraction from the things he was trying to get you to understand. He has a right to expect love, empathy, warmth, and altruism from his family. Expecting it from his family is normal. It doesn't mean he plans to head out and expect it from his employer. That would be stupid. He doesn't think that he's stupid. The two ideas just have no legitimate connection. 

What I mean is that the military, as an employer, is *supposed* to care far more for training soldiers for adequate roles in national defense than they do about the soldier's emotional well-being and personal happiness. The military doesn't love or nurture anyone. He doesn't expect them to, and he won't care when they don't. Family members are different. Families *do* love and nurture one another. Families *are* expected to care about one another's emotional well-being and personal happiness. I imagine that you have told and shown him thousands of times that these things are true in your family. Somewhere, really, when he's not breaking curfew, he's right, isn't he? I'm betting that among the things you care about for his sake, one of them is that you do care how his friendships are going. (He rightly recognized that it isn't good when someone's mother implies that she owes him nothing more than a barracks officer: especially when it's not true.)

I'm thinking that he just wanted you to wonder if your heavy focus on curfew actually is at the right priority level *in a loving family context* where he believes (probably rightly) that you also care (somewhat) about his social and emotional life. That's question has nothing to do with how he will respond to military training. Of course, in most families the answer is: Yes, getting home on time is definitely more important than the last few minutes or hours of a social engagement. He wishes it wasn't -- but wisdom prevails because you're in charge of him for now.

But that doesn't mean that his observation wasn't both true and appropriate. It also doesn't mean that your reaction to use an analogy casting your family life as 'just as cold as real life is going to be' wasn't just a little hurtful in the moment. 

Very few people don't talk to their parents for 10 years because they were strict. Usually that's because they were harsh. There's a difference. I don't think you are on the wrong side of that difference (or you would be seeing a lot more consequences already). He just got worked up. He wanted you to know that there are consequences in families that go down roads like that -- and that he hopes it won't happen to you. The fact that he bothered saying it means that it almost certainly won't.

I think he could use you saying that you know that he will be successful in the military, that blowing curfew at home doesn't mean that you actually predicting his failure. If you say nothing else, at least say that. Anxiety about the adult future is huge at this age!

If you want, you could also affirm that he's right to expect a home to be a softer place than a barracks, and that you do care about his personal well-being and relationships -- in balance. You can maybe even open a conversation on compromises around his curfew -- but affirm that, to you, getting himself home on time is definitely more important than a few more minutes to nurture his existing friendships... so he's going to need other arguments.

I have tried being more affirming, it doesn't work. It is never, ever enough. Our house is a softer place than barracks, trust me. But, I am so sick of the constant emotion. I cannot take it. My mom was an overly emotional person and I shut down. 

He thinks other people are the source of his happiness. He cannot be happy without external motivators. He's always been this way. It is draining, so, so draining.

ETA: like I said above, curfew isn't that heavy of a focus, unless he keeps missing it and then feeding me BS about why. 

Kelly

Edited November 15, 2019 by SquirrellyMama

[SquirrellyMama]

1 hour ago, Slache said:

This is not ok. It's not their job to agree with you, but it is their responsibility to support you.

 

I was honestly trying to support them by saying, "I know he isn't doing his best for you. Let's work together to make him do better." 

I think part of the problem is their expectation for students. There are no late assignments. They cannot dock points for late work. I do push him to get his work in by the deadline. They probably like the kids who get their work in by the due date even if it isn't their best work.

[bolt.]

Most people *do* find that their relationships with other people are a primary and major source of their personal happiness. Aside from religious people (many of whom would say that, in religion they 'relate to a person' just in a different sense) I've found that people very frequently identify their relationships as a source of happiness.

It's also really normal to emotionally respond to the external factors of life as motivators.

I'm thinking that the stress and drain you might be feeling could be coming from the way you frame what you are seeing. Are you worried about him? Do you think of his responsive and/or expressive emotional life as a risk of some kind? Or a negative for him in some other way? Do you relate it to your mom?

I mean, of course it's fine to need space from teenage moods (don't we all!) but you do seem really bothered -- even though what you are describing is just that your son is a really normal person. Maybe I'm over-interpreting your posts. If things are fine, don't mind me. I'm just trying to reassure you that your son seems totally fine overall. Venting might be all that you need.

ETA: Why do you think he's feeding you BS about why he missed curfew... Why isn't the reason he gave probably actually his reason?

Edited November 15, 2019 by bolt.
Added last sentence

[gardenmom5]

29 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I have tried being more affirming, it doesn't work. It is never, ever enough. Our house is a softer place than barracks, trust me. But, I am so sick of the constant emotion. I cannot take it. My mom was an overly emotional person and I shut down. 

He thinks other people are the source of his happiness. He cannot be happy without external motivators. He's always been this way. It is draining, so, so draining.

ETA: like I said above, curfew isn't that heavy of a focus, unless he keeps missing it and then feeding me BS about why. 

Kelly

you might find the nurtured heart approach/transforming the difficult child provides insights.  one of the things he would say is - your emotion is rewarding your son's desire for intensity.  sure it's negative, but  you are feeding him with it.  like eating junk food.  I've made progress, but dudeling will still sit there and push my buttons until I can't take it anymore.  (I decided if he is going to push me so hard I have to lock myself in my room to avoid an outburst - I'm going to lock myself in HIS room!  I'm hopeful that will be a "whoops!" moment for him.)

they are not "affirming" in the traditional sense.  they just acknowledge the child.  (as often as possible.).  he calls them "snapshots". you seem very hungry (as they're wolfing down a "snack".).  you look like you're concentrating very hard.  you seem tired.  you seem happy.  you seem wide awake.  you really like hanging out with your friends. you seem very passionate. 

the thing he really stresses with them is: value neutral.  just acknowledging their existence.  as many times as you can fit a "photo op" observation into an hour.  but always, value neutral.

I know he's not going to be around much longer as he's heading off for the military (while his trainers will not care about his "social connections with his friends" - they will care about his degrading grades.)

[gardenmom5]

32 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

 

I was honestly trying to support them by saying, "I know he isn't doing his best for you. Let's work together to make him do better." 

I think part of the problem is their expectation for students. There are no late assignments. They cannot dock points for late work. I do push him to get his work in by the deadline. They probably like the kids who get their work in by the due date even if it isn't their best work.

I actually lectured one newish teacher to STOP putting off a test because "not all the students are ready" - pointing out she was punishing the students who were doing their work and were ready.  that kind of stuff will trigger mind-numbing boredom. and they'll either shut down, or find other things to do . . . . and not all of them are positive.

I have kids at both ends.  I would have been livid if they were holding back my highly motivated achiever for my seriously struggling child. (who is being moved to a new go-at-your-own-pace program outside the regular school.  hopefully, it will help.)

[SquirrellyMama]

26 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Most people *do* find that their relationships with other people are a primary and major source of their personal happiness. Aside from religious people (many of whom would say that, in religion they 'relate to a person' just in a different sense) I've found that people very frequently identify their relationships as a source of happiness.

It's also really normal to emotionally respond to the external factors of life as motivators.

I'm thinking that the stress and drain you might be feeling could be coming from the way you frame what you are seeing. Are you worried about him? Do you think of his responsive and/or expressive emotional life as a risk of some kind? Or a negative for him in some other way? Do you relate it to your mom?

I mean, of course it's fine to need space from teenage moods (don't we all!) but you do seem really bothered -- even though what you are describing is just that your son is a really normal person. Maybe I'm over-interpreting your posts. If things are fine, don't mind me. I'm just trying to reassure you that your son seems totally fine overall. Venting might be all that you need.

ETA: Why do you think he's feeding you BS about why he missed curfew... Why isn't the reason he gave probably actually his reason?

I know that relationships are a factor in happiness, but he cannot find happiness within himself. We cannot rely on others for our happiness. It is not healthy. It is unfair for people in our lives. I'm fine if he finds happiness in relationships, no problem. It cannot be the only way.

Why do I think it is BS? Last night he left at 3pm to go out with friends, which I let him do with a curfew of 9pm. I've been letting him hang out with friends quite a bit lately since I know the play has been stressful. Do not give me a line that I don't value his friendships after letting him be out with them for 6 hours on a school night. Also, he's given other reasons for being late that we had talked about a time or two before. He needs to know that he has a ride home at curfew before the night begins. Happens once, ok. After that I don't want to hear it. 

ETA: He had a curfew of 9pm because when I didn't give him one he came home at midnight on a school night when left to his own devices. I thought 6 hours was long enough.

Kelly

Edited November 15, 2019 by SquirrellyMama

[Jaybee]

2 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

Curfew can change. Last night it was 9pm since it was a school night, and he's been having late rehearsals. And, he's just been out late since we hadn't given him a curfew after rehearsals. I assumed he was coming straight home. Nope. I tell the kids that if something comes up, and they know they won't make curfew to call me. My oldest would call at least 30 minutes before hand if traffic was bad, or their dinner was delayed, a football game went long, etc... This kid calls 10 minutes before or 10 minutes after curfew. And, then when given an extension doesn't make that either.

Curfew has been at midnight or 1am depending on the circumstance. It is not the same time every time. 

Other unreasonable expectations...doing his best in school, not just what it takes to get by. So, a B+ might be good, but if I know that isn't his best, he'd better up his game. And, I'm not saying it has to be an A+, but if I know he isn't studying then I know he isn't doing his best.

Things like that...

Kelly

You sound very reasonable to me. It sounds like he is just wanting to do his own thing and run his own life--which I've seen happen with all of my boys about this age, to one degree or another. We've told them that we will usually let them do things (activities, practices, hang out, etc.), but they need to be respectful and responsible by letting us know when, where, with whom (which is only common courtesy, as we do that as his parents), and that occasionally we'll need to say no for some reason or another. And our flexibility depends in part on their being responsible in doing what we have asked (the above, plus don't be too late on a school night, etc.) For the most part, this approach has worked well. One of ours is much more social though, and it's harder because as you say, he pushes it a lot more. On the other hand, he is working so hard at keeping his grades up, which isn't easy due to a learning disability, so it makes me want to work hard to help him get what he wants socially. It can be a challenge working with teenaged sons, and seeing them through the "I'm my own boss" stage over to the "I'm responsible and considerate" stage.

ETA: We, too, saw improvement at 17, but even more at 18 and up.

Edited November 15, 2019 by Jaybee

[2squared]

5 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I know that relationships are a factor in happiness, but he cannot find happiness within himself. We cannot rely on others for our happiness. It is not healthy. It is unfair for people in our lives. I'm fine if he finds happiness in relationships, no problem. It cannot be the only way.

Why do I think it is BS? Last night he left at 3pm to go out with friends, which I let him do with a curfew of 9pm. I've been letting him hang out with friends quite a bit lately since I know the play has been stressful. Do not give me a line that I don't value his friendships after letting him be out with them for 6 hours on a school night. Also, he's given other reasons for being late that we had talked about a time or two before. He needs to know that he has a ride home at curfew before the night begins. Happens once, ok. After that I don't want to hear it. 

ETA: He had a curfew of 9pm because when I didn't give him one he came home at midnight on a school night when left to his own devices. I thought 6 hours was long enough.

Kelly

Could part of the issue be he has a difficult time asking friends for a ride home earlier than the group plans on being done for the evening and/or the friends aren’t reliable? If I expect my non-driving kids to be home by a certain time and they don’t have a parent driving them, I make sure dh or I are available to drive. I don’t want them to have an easy excuse for not meeting expectations.

[SquirrellyMama]

On 11/15/2019 at 8:15 PM, 2squared said:

Could part of the issue be he has a difficult time asking friends for a ride home earlier than the group plans on being done for the evening and/or the friends aren’t reliable? If I expect my non-driving kids to be home by a certain time and they don’t have a parent driving them, I make sure dh or I are available to drive. I don’t want them to have an easy excuse for not meeting expectations.

No, I think he just uses that as an excuse. I started telling him to figure out his way home before leaving. That way he can either drive himself or my dh or I will know that we are getting him. 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

I talked to my oldest this weekend while visiting her at college. She knows many of these kids since she's only 2 years older than her brother, and only a year older than many of his friends. She said the mindset of that group is that their parents are horrible. The more horrible the better. I'm not a perfect parent by any means, and I try to apologize when I am wrong. Although, I have told him that I will only apologize once for each offense he brings to me. I refuse to keep apologizing for the same wrong doing from when he was 3. 

I also don't understand how he tries to fit in. I remember in HS being a part of a "group" at the school. Most everyone is in some group. And, I remember dressing in a certain way, and listening to pop music. These were all things that I naturally gravitated to. It wasn't hard, and I didn't put much thought into a "style". 

My ds works really hard to have a certain style, to fit in this group. He'll say, "I'm trying to look e-boy so it has to be **fill in clothing**." I never said, "I'm trying to look preppy so I have to wear..." It was just the style that I liked when looking at clothing.  My dh is similar to me. He had a totally different style, but it was just what he naturally liked. 

I should ask my brother. He was much more about having the same style that others had even if it was what he naturally liked. 

Kelly

[MaBelle]

Ask him if his ass needs an emotional connection with your foot.  Preferably while wearing steel toe boots.

 

[KungFuPanda]

See if you can get him some choir friends.  My daughter never even had a curfew in High School because most of her friends were choir and theater kids.  The choir kids all had 10 p.m. curfews.  Nobody wants to stay out once all of their friends go home.  I would've given her til eleven, and later on weekends if a movie was running late, but it never came up at all.  

[SquirrellyMama]

43 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

See if you can get him some choir friends.  My daughter never even had a curfew in High School because most of her friends were choir and theater kids.  The choir kids all had 10 p.m. curfews.  Nobody wants to stay out once all of their friends go home.  I would've given her til eleven, and later on weekends if a movie was running late, but it never came up at all.  

They are the theater and choir kids. It isn't that I don't trust him or his friends. I think they are all doing nerdy stuff. Good for them, we're all nerdy in some way in our family. But... it is the constant fighting with us about curfew. About his grades. I'm a horrible mom if I want him to get A's. You know why I want him to get A's, because he is capable of getting them easily. This semester he isn't doing any homework at home, and he has no study halls at school. His grades are between a B- and an A. That B- could easily be an A if he studied. But no, I'm awful for focusing on curfew and grades! 

I'm trying with this kid, I really am. I'm tired. I'm so tired 😞 He has been my most tiring kid since he was born. 

[Bambam]

I know it is hard to continue to push/encourage/remind/remind/remind/encourage/push/etc kids that seem to have lost their focus/motivation/are distracted/etc.  Sometimes it is very, very tiring to be a parent. 
BUT... you can see the long term consequences and what really matters (vs just the mundane stuff and the immediate stuff). So, try to keep on keeping on. It is hard. They sometimes say silly stuff. Sometimes you can point that out at the time, sometimes it takes time till they see how silly it was. 

The only thing I've got is I'm sorry it is hard, but I hope you can find the encouragement and strength and fortitude to keep on doing what is best for him.