Ailaena Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I have been taking advice from threads like this for years and I really appreciate all the advice y’all give. I’ve tried very hard to get everything out in the open with my parents, but they just kept putting it off. And then, they set up a big binder of information in the event of a death, so I thought it was going to be ok. And I’m sure it will be, but it includes zero financial information and I’m stuck. Most important - How do I find who holds the mortgage and car loan? My mother has no idea and it’s the only things my dad doesn’t write checks for. My father is not dead - he is currently hospitalized but sedated and intubated and the bills are looming... I was able to ask him before everything went south and he said there was plenty of money to cover the bills right now, but I have no idea how he moves money around or where it comes from and bleh. I have been through all of the paperwork I can find in the house to no avail! What happens if he dies? Do the credit cards in both of their names get closed down? Do his investments transfer over to her? Does she get his social security or pension or whatever? I don’t think he ever officially retired, I don’t even understand what social security is and why she would get it? He wants to be buried in out military cemetery - in the event of his death how does that happen?? What are some important things that I need to make sure are in place right now in case he does die in the next couple of days? Thank you in advance and much love to those of you who have been through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 I would try to pull a credit report, the information will be on your mom's report if she is on the loans; if they are just in your dad's name you will need to pull his report. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 The company that insures the car and home will also have the loan information. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 The mortuary can arrange military cemetery burial and honors, you can talk to them now. Yes, she can get his social security stipend if it is higher than any she might have earned in her own right. What kind of pension do you think he might have? Is your mom on the bank accounts? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted November 10, 2019 Author Share Posted November 10, 2019 4 minutes ago, maize said: The company that insures the car and home will also have the loan information. Oh, that is great! Thank you! Idk why I didn’t think of that. And they use the same agent for both of those things (although she is impossible to get a hold of. Not sure she actually exists in our time or space...) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Does your dad have a will? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted November 10, 2019 Author Share Posted November 10, 2019 (edited) 4 minutes ago, maize said: The mortuary can arrange military cemetery burial and honors, you can talk to them now. Yes, she can get his social security stipend if it is higher than any she might have earned in her own right. What kind of pension do you think he might have? Is your mom on the bank accounts? Mom is in bank accounts, I did see an entry in the checkbook for “company x pension.” That’s all I know. Yes, he has a will. But it’s doesnt help me with the nitty gritty right now 😞 Edited November 10, 2019 by Ailaena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 Does your mom know who did their will/trust/whatever? And where it is? Often an estate plan will include a list of assets and sometimes who/what entity is the lien holder on them. Also, she might be able to ask the attorney that question even if it is not documented in the estate plan. Also, if your dad is incapacitated right now, she might be able to get power of attorney, depending on what the medical poa and financial poa’ s say, and then she could find this information out on behalf of your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ailaena said: Most important - How do I find who holds the mortgage and car loan? My mother has no idea and it’s the only things my dad doesn’t write checks for. My father is not dead - he is currently hospitalized but sedated and intubated and the bills are looming... I was able to ask him before everything went south and he said there was plenty of money to cover the bills right now, but I have no idea how he moves money around or where it comes from and bleh. 51 minutes ago, Ailaena said: Mom is in bank accounts Check the joint checking account. Our mortgage and car loan were set to auto deduct from our checking as that’s where my husband’s pay is deposited. When we want to pay more principal, then we write a check or pay the principal at the ATM and pick the additional principal option. The property tax comptroller should also have the information on which mortgage company holds the lien. Also does your dad have insurance? My husband’s personal insurance which he bought while in college goes to his parents as beneficiaries while the company insurance has me as beneficiary. We don’t have a mortgage right now but the amount he bought under his company’s scheme would have covered the remaining mortgage at that time. Edited November 11, 2019 by Arcadia Typing errors Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I spent a lot of time on the phone with various banks, etc. while sitting with my dad figuring all this out regarding his stuff. I made the calls and told them why I was calling, had my dad on speaker phone, he gave them permission to talk to me, and I asked my questions. He also had user names and passwords written down and I went into those accounts to see what I could find out. He isn’t at the point where I have put the POA into effect, but I can now access everything. I was also added to his Costco credit card and have my own card to buy stuff for him. He didn’t have a mortgage any longer, but I had to piece together pay checks, retirement, home/car insurance, medical insurance, etc. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It is a lot!!! And...I had to figure out how to do his taxes for this past year. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) Military Burial is actually relatively easy. My fil has chosen Jefferson Barracks (in STL). The funeral home already has Dad's "Discharge Papers" number . . . which is what verifies he's a vet. According to my notes, the liner, (simple) gravestone are provided. Apparently you can drape a flag over the casket, in lieu of flowers. The VA funds many of the burial expenses. **We have not yet done this, but I've researched it ahead of time, so we are a bit prepared. Others can likely improve on this info, but I wanted to quickly reassure you that it's very do-able. Call the VA. 😉 Edited November 11, 2019 by Beth S 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoraBora Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I know you have looked through all of the paperwork you can find, but did you find their income tax records from the past few years (or even just last year)? Some people keep the end-of-year statements with their copy of the return. They should have received one from his pension, the mortgage company, investments from which they are taking income, etc. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 My dad is still here, but we had to bury my mom after she died very unexpectedly. I needed dad’s discharge papers. I picked out the casket and the flowers. The VA burial site gave me the date(s) and time(s) that were our options. I had to choose between a casket burial or creamation. I chose casket. My dad will be buried in the same spot on top of her casket when the time comes. I got to choose between 2 locations for her burial location. We had a service at church and then another smaller service at the burial site. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 11 minutes ago, Beth S said: Military Burial is actually relatively easy. My fil has chosen Jefferson Barracks (in STL). The funeral home already has Dad's "Discharge Papers" number . . . which is what verifies he's a vet. According to my notes, the liner, (simple) gravestone are provided. Apparently you can drape a flag over the casket, in lieu of flowers. The VA funds many of the burial expenses. **We have not yet done this, but I've researched it ahead of time, so we are a bit prepared. Others can likely improve on this info, but I wanted to quickly reassure you that it's very do-able. Call the VA. 😉 Yes, it comes with a liner and gravestone. The gravestones are all the same so no decisions to be made there. The writing was standard for much of it and we added a few words to the bottom (beloved wife, mother, and grandmother). i don’t remember the option for the flag (we had flowers), but that is probably because my mom didn’t serve in the military. The headstone is turned with the wording facing mom’s grave. My dad’s info will be added and the gravestone will be turned so my dad’s name faces the grave. It was actually a very easy process. My in-laws will be buried in the same place, but they are choosing to be creamated. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said: I think these two posts really point to why it's important to figure these things out ahead of time. My FIL was a Vietnam Vet, but the only vet service he received was the gun salute. DH, also a vet, asked a few questions but SIL had said yes to a few things when the funeral home called within hours of FIL's passing, that limited all our choices and cost us money. Ultimately, it's a funeral, and how much we were going to "cash out" was of course the last thing on our minds. But some of the VA things mentioned here, these things were not even mentioned by the funeral home. FIL didn't have a lot of preferences, but knowing some things ahead of time, that might have resulted in a process that might have been more.....appropriate....for him. So I guess all that to say, even if you don't have all the answers right now, just doing research now will probably help everyone when the time comes.....funeral homes can be pretty............profit driven. Yes...this was not fun to figure out with no warning. And, we had to find my dad’s papers in a rush. My dad was a mess and my sister couldn’t handle any of it (she couldn’t even come into the funeral home with me to help) so I had to just get it done the best I could. I had no idea what her preferences were for a funeral. My now DH, who had never met my family until we all raced to the hospital for my mom, was the one by my side helping me try to figure out what casket, etc. my mom would have wanted. Knew then he was a keeper!!! I probably should call and see what the process is when it comes time for my in-laws and dad just to make sure my information is up to date. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) Usually, whether or not she will continue to get his company pension depends on decisions they made at the time of retirement. Often, individuals can choose to take a lower monthly amount that will continue to go to their spouse after their death or a higher amount that will stop at their death. If there are no records anywhere of this election, I would suggest having your mom contact the company once you have his social security number. While my mom handled the majority of their finances, both the funeral director and their local bank were very helpful in answering lots of the logistical financial questions for us after my dad passed. Note that this is in a very small town, so the same level of trust and help might not exist elsewhere. I’m sorry you have all of this added stress during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts. Edited November 11, 2019 by Frances Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I know that dealing with the VA can be difficult a lot of the time, but dh spoke with very helpful people in a crazy, complex situation. Don’t hesitate to give them a call! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I've done this for multiple relatives. VA burials are indeed easy; you cover the funeral home expenses and then they take it from there. Keep in mind that they decide the date and time, so you'll need to be flexible. Funeral homes do that type of burial all the time. The tax records will tell you a lot in terms of income and expenses. One of my relatives was a hoarder, and we had quite a time finding everything. The military discharge papers with in a glove compartment and the tax documents were under an old couch that was stacked high with junk. When the tax documents were found, the tax preparer was a wealth of information. Some bills hadn't been paid in awhile, but we found that creditors were lenient when they were provided with a death certificate. It takes some looking, but you'll get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) I think for military cemeteries, some are full you wouldn’t think would be full. Others have plenty of room. I think that’s a reason it varies by location and after 5-10 years passes in the same location, sometimes. Edit: http://www.ccenterdispatch.com/article_486213b6-8c34-11e7-8916-5b673fca4dab.html We have moved since then, but at the time we moved I would hear things about it being almost full, and there was no way to expand it because of a road! And then there was not going to be any other place very nearby. Edited November 11, 2019 by Lecka Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 I’m so sorry your dad is in the hospital. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoraBora Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 The National Archive may be able to help you find records. https://www.archives.gov/veterans/military-service-records/emergencies I've walked a road much like the one you are on. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
history-fan Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 Sorry your Dad is in the hospital . You have good questions-same as everyone who goes through this. For now I would suggest: take a deep breath. Spend time with your Dad and Mom. Check with your Mom and his Dr. about if they filled out paperwork for health care directive, or medical/durable power of attorney. Your parents may have agreed to be each other’s. They may have also agreed to be each other’s Power of Attorney for finances. If there’s concern about bills due now your mom can talk to their banker about setting something up. I’m not an attorney but I have been through this several times and no matter how much you think you planned things happen- and that’s ok. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 Thank you all so much. I have access to checking (but not yet to savings) so I can put money in their account, at least. And I have money to put in their account, so I am so much better off than I could be right now. And my mother and I have poa for everything - thanks to everyone here who mentioned it over the last 15 years. And hopefully, I’m jumping the gun on a burial and he recovers, but I feel good that once it’s not a weekend of a holiday, that it won’t be a ridiculously difficult process. My grandpa was buried in Arlington a few years ago and that was a very difficult process. Just... thanks, all❤️ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 If your dad ends up needing home health, adult daycare, specialized medical equipment, or other medical needs not covered by his insurance, check with the VA. They paid for so much for my dad in his last 2 years suffering with Parkinson’s. They also reimbursed my mom for his cremation they had prepaid for, as well as a memorial stone/marker at the local veterans cemetery (his ashes will be scattered, so nothing to bury). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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