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WWYD? Go to the funeral?


ksr5377
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I made a choice in the middle of a stressful time to NOT attend the calling hours or funeral for the brother of my best friend of 28 years.  Calling hours are this evening and the funeral is tomorrow and now I'm feeling anxiety and panic that I made the wrong choice.  It's not something you change once it's done, you know?

It's in Chicago, which is a 4.5 hour drive from me.  In the past 3 weeks I have buried by uncle, a close cousin who unexpectedly died at the age of 30 who was 4 months pregnant, and just Wednesday my god-daughter - at the age of 24 from ovarian cancer.  We were out of town for all three of those events and just got home yesterday afternoon.  My dear friend texted to let me know about her brother while I was at my god-daughter's calling hours.  I am now second-guessing whether choosing to not go was really just me going "I can't handle this right now" instead of a legitimate logistics choice.  We are for sure unable to go to calling hours this evening because my day is full until 9pm and I would have to cancel several things very last minute which isn't fair to everyone else involved - but I could drive late tonight and get a hotel to make the funeral at 8am tomorrow.  And poor DH, he's been asking if I'm sure I don't want to go every single day.  And now if I do go it'll be a huge stressful emergency situation of my own making.

Would you expect a good friend to travel that far?  I am not at all close to her brother or his family due to our age difference, he was already out of the house when we became friends.  However, I love her parents dearly as well as my friend and her immediate family.  

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I do not think you made the wrong choice. There is a saying: "Always go to the funeral." But you have literally just returned home from three funerals of loved ones. The idea of setting out late tonight, to arrive in Chicago for an 8 am funeral - you need to rest. Your family needs you to get everyone through the transition back to home life after the funeral travels and emotions.

I would not expect a friend, who had just buried three loved ones, to drive all night to attend my brother's funeral. Even if she loved me and my parents, I would think that was too much and be worried about her, having to travel to another funeral with not enough rest in the meantime. 

Could you send flowers? I think that would be very appropriate. (Honestly, even if you weren't at your limit, sending flowers would still be appropriate for this relationship, IMO.)

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10 minutes ago, ksr5377 said:

I made a choice in the middle of a stressful time to NOT attend the calling hours or funeral for the brother of my best friend of 28 years.  Calling hours are this evening and the funeral is tomorrow and now I'm feeling anxiety and panic that I made the wrong choice.  It's not something you change once it's done, you know?

It's in Chicago, which is a 4.5 hour drive from me.  In the past 3 weeks I have buried by uncle, a close cousin who unexpectedly died at the age of 30 who was 4 months pregnant, and just Wednesday my god-daughter - at the age of 24 from ovarian cancer.  We were out of town for all three of those events and just got home yesterday afternoon.  My dear friend texted to let me know about her brother while I was at my god-daughter's calling hours.  I am now second-guessing whether choosing to not go was really just me going "I can't handle this right now" instead of a legitimate logistics choice.  We are for sure unable to go to calling hours this evening because my day is full until 9pm and I would have to cancel several things very last minute which isn't fair to everyone else involved - but I could drive late tonight and get a hotel to make the funeral at 8am tomorrow.  And poor DH, he's been asking if I'm sure I don't want to go every single day.  And now if I do go it'll be a huge stressful emergency situation of my own making.

Would you expect a good friend to travel that far?  I am not at all close to her brother or his family due to our age difference, he was already out of the house when we became friends.  However, I love her parents dearly as well as my friend and her immediate family.  

 

No.

 

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Send a note.  Let them know you're thinking about them even though you can't be there.

My dear childhood friend lost her husband unexpectedly about two years ago.  I had never met the man, and I would not have felt right going, but I wanted her to know that she was important to me.  So I wrote to her.  A few months later was her birthday, and I wrote again.  I wrote on her anniversary and Christmas.  I wrote to her around Valentine's day.  Every holiday, every important day for that first year I wanted to let her know that she was not alone.  That she was still loved.

You can't be there right now, and funerals are overwhelming for families a lot of times.  But in the weeks that follow, she may need that attention after everyone goes back to their lives.

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I understand you not going after what you have just been through. You sound like you would regret not going. DH sounds like he would support you in your decision to go, so, I would go. May you have peace in whatever decision you make. I’m sorry for all your loses.🙏🏻

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In your circumstances, I wouldn't go, but I would go ahead and call her the day after the funeral and explain that you have attended several out of town funerals for family members in the past month and simply couldn't make it. Then, try to set up a Saturday afternoon visit in a month or so. Under normal circumstances, I would encourage you to go, but these are not normal circumstances, try not to feel badly about that. Oh, and gently tell your husband that "you're sure" and to please stop asking you because it causes you more stress right now.

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3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

The truth is, every person would have a different answer to that question, depending on their life and situation.  

The real question is, what would YOUR friend want or expect?  You have been best friends with her for 28 years, you know her best.  Would your best friend of 28 years be hurt or offended if you missed the funeral of her brother, who you didn't know well because he was so much older?  And then, the next question is, if she would be offended or hurt, how do YOU feel about that?

 

Truth, I probably would not be going to the funeral of the brother of a friend, even a close friend, if I didn't know the brother that well.  And if my friend had an issue with that, especially after having spent 3 weeks attending 3 other funerals for family.....well I would personally be questioning that friendship.  

 

But ultimately, this is between you and your friend and what your friend needs and what you can actually give.

Maybe it’s just how I look at funerals but I look at funerals for the living. I go to show support for the grieving friends or families. I respect people have different thoughts.🌺

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If it were the brother of my best friends?

I’d call and ask what I can do for them. Maybe they want me to go with them.  Maybe they’d rather I babysit their kid/dog.

Whatever they asked, I’d happily do regardless of how many funerals I’d just finished. Partly because they would have done the same for me for those funerals. 

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My goodness. No, she doesn't expect you to go, just like YOU didn't expect her to go to any of your funerals.

Now, you should definitely send a card and call her as soon as you've caught your breath, but you do not need to go to the funeral to hold her hand if you do not personally feel moved to be there.

And "I can't handle this right now" is a legitimate reason to not attend yet another funeral.

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I would feel badly too, but that is far for the funeral of a non-family member whom you did not know well.  Especially at 8am Saturday morning - clearly this is a logistical issue for everyone who isn't local.  Your friend should understand.

I assume your friend did not come to any of the recent funerals for your family members.  If she did, then I would go farther out of my way to go to her close person's funeral.

Otherwise, I would try to make a plan to get together at another time, fairly soon, in a way that lets you spend some real time with her vs. being in the middle of the funeral activity.

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That is a tough one. I think I move heaven and earth to be there for my BEST friend. And, as someone who has lost a brother, I still remember the people that came to my brother's wake/funeral. But a LOT of people (even in town)  didn't. I don't hold it against them, but I certainly appreciated and noticed the people that did. As someone else said, I wouldn't expect it, but would appreciate it. It really doesn't have anything to do with how well you knew her brother-it's about your friendship with her and her parents.

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That is really hard.  I'd want to make an appearance.  But 9 hours of driving is a lot.  8 am is incredibly early for a funeral.  Is there any way you could maybe visit your friend in the coming weeks and take her out for a meal?  Maybe send heartfelt cards to her and her parents?  Might that be a reasonable alternative to traveling right now when you're having such a treacherous week?  

I just had to say no to an uncle's funeral this week.  It was 4 hours away and the absolutely worst day of the week for our schedule.  When my dad died, I just understood not everyone was going to be able to make an appearance at the funeral.  

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I would have a really hard time deciding not to go to my best friends brother's funeral.  But given what you've been through lately I'd likely be struggling the same way you are.  I wouldn't expect my best friend to attend a siblings funeral under those circumstances but under other circumstances I'd be hurt if she didn't come.  However, my best friend lived with my family during college so she knows most of my siblings pretty well.

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I would not go for the 8 AM funeral if I were truly committed until 9 PM tonight, but if there is a gathering afterwards I might try to make that. 

I might ask dh to give me an objective opinion on whether it would really be unfair for you to cancel things tonight. Things get cancelled, it happens. Are they that important? Do you in particular have to be there? Can they be rescheduled? <<<< not questions you need to answer, just things to consider 

Your friend will understand whatever you do, I'm sure, but I worry that the stress and anxiety of not going will exceed that of going. 

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Agreeing with the others.  If there is a gathering afterwards maybe you could make that.  Driving at night in the rain (assuming chicago has the same yuck weather we have) is not a good option.

Otherwise, what I would prefer (and again this is me who hates funerals, even if I am the one planning them for a loved one) is that you visit her in a few weeks when you can really spend time with her, talk about her brother, help her with any mundane task she might have to do, take her for lunch, etc.

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I think it’s  fine not to go, given the circumstances. When my dad passed, I was very pleasantly surprised by some childhood friends who showed up at the wake and/or funeral. But just as meaningful were those who sent cards or stopped by my mom’s house before or afterwards (I was there for almost a month). I would definitely send cards to both her and her parents, and if they live in the same area, find a time to go visit all of them in the next month or so and maybe take them out to eat or bring a meal or some good take out with you.

If it’s a large funeral/wake, it can actually be overwhelming for the family to greet and visit with so many people, and seeing them afterwards might even be better. There were over 500 people at my dad’s services between the wake, calling hours, and the funeral, and it was absolutely exhausting for all of us in the immediate family, especially just coming off home hospice. It felt a bit like planning, hosting, and sending thank your notes for a very large wedding, all in less than a week. Seeing people who stopped by my mom’s house in the remaining two weeks before I left for home was actually much more relaxing. And it was great when they brought meals.

I’m so sorry for all of your recent losses. You are in my thoughts.

Edited by Frances
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I think it's one thing to make that decision if the funeral is in the same town.  This is a logistically difficult situation though, and you've been on the go constantly for family funerals.  So, I think you have a very good, understandable reason not to go.  I think you should feel okay about it.  You can call your friend, send her a heartfelt letter, etc. 

I'm from a family where funerals are sacred but we don't expect people to travel miles to attend.  My dh is from a very large Irish family where they fly across the country for funerals of families and friends...  when it works out.  Sometimes it doesn't, and everyone totally understands.  My dh's mother died a couple months ago, and his best friend just could not make the funeral due to reasons such as yours.  Everyone perfectly understood, and friend sent the sweetest note which meant a lot to my dh.  No one is super human.

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Thank you everyone for your replies.  My friend did not expect me to show up for this and we've been talking every day, for short periods, since her brother passed away.  But I come from a "You go to the funeral" family and was struggling a bit.  I know that's why DH kept asking me if I felt certain.  We did not go, as originally planned.  In posting I think I needed to hear that that was OK from someone who wasn't impacted by all the grief everyone I'm close to is reeling in right now.  We had already sent flowers for her sister-in-law as well as a plant for her.  I mailed her parents and her other sister a card yesterday and plan on taking her several meals for her over the next few weeks.  I also have Halloween gift bags for her kids as they didn't get to go trick-or-treating.  I, and she, knows that's not a major point, but it's hard when they're little and big scary sad things are impacting what is usually a fun tradition.  

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