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lovinmyboys

I think I am having a mid life crisis

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Lately I have been feeling like the good years are behind me. Maybe that is normal for mid-late 30’s? The last five or so years have been so crazy, but good crazy. The years before that were full of new babies. Now, we have moved to a kind of boring small city (but supposedly a great place to raise kids), we bought a house, and dh got a promotion. All good things, and things I thought I wanted, but now I feel stuck. We may never move from here, dh may stay with this job for several or more years, and my kids just keep getting older. I feel like there isn’t anything to look forward to. 
 

I had a job interview this week for a job I would really like. It is one of the few jobs I can think of that would be worth it to put all the kids in school, but I don’t feel like I did very well on the interview, so that has me down. If I don’t get this job, will I ever get one? I told dh if I don’t get the job, I think I would like to have another baby. See, mid-life crisis.

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Mid life crisis or some depression or need a change up?   If you are feelign stuck, then something needs to change.  Sometimes if we are the hardworker type we need to invest in some fun.   Do you have a good friend you can just brainstorm with and dump all the crazy on and see what y'all come up with?

I am totally having a mid life crisis, but I have the big mid-century birthday looming next year.  My older 2 will both be off to college and I'll be left with caboose baby (he's 7) for 10 more years and gosh I can not do this by myself anymore.  I'm very much hoping to teach again, and hopefully at a hybrid school (unless some other grand opportunity comes knocking).  I'm also reconnecting with old friends and for some it has been 20 years since we last saw each other.   Some of these people I connected with on FB and promptly unfollowed! LOL Some of them are fun to talk to again.  What else am I doing.... oh Botox, microneedling and skin care!  I do laugh at myself, but then I look at my neck and am like OMG!   I had a lot of fun traveling when I was in my 20's and I sure would ilke to see all the people I hung out with again.  Missing my carefree and adventurous days.

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I absolutely hated turning 35.  Dreaded it, hated it, was glad when I turned 36 so I wouldn’t be 35 anymore.

I finally realized that it was the end of the ‘youthful’ demographic.  18 to 35–you see that range everywhere.  

Once I figured it out, I moved on, and it was just fine.

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1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

Now, we have moved to a kind of boring small city (but supposedly a great place to raise kids),

Well, perhaps it's my own personal bias showing, but being in a small place, that's boring, and is "supposed" to have great things for kids....well, it doesn't make for an interesting life.  I spent 4 years living in a *SMALL* and *BORING* city that also happened to be full of a lot of other issues, even though it was *SUPPOSED* to be a wholesome place to raise a family.  I very nearly lost my mind.  I literally drove around town thinking " I hate this place, I hate this place, I hate this place."   

Small boring places are, well, small and boring.  When you live in a place where there is very little close by and what is within a reasonable distance is uninteresting.....well, then your life can certainly feel small and boring.

All of which isn't really helpful because you have bought a house and you said that moving and/or your spouse getting a new job is probably not likely.  So, I don't know that I have advice, just commiseration on that aspect of it.   Or maybe my advice is that a new baby isn't really going to solve the "small and boring" problem.  

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It sounds like the last 10 years or so have brought many good, happy changes here and there, and it also sounds like that trend has plateaued lately.  That, plus the mention of "if no job then baby" leads me to think you're just looking for another "something new."  

Of course, I could be totally off-base.

I hope you get the job, but if not, I'd maybe suggest learning some new skills or joining/starting a community group or getting a cat or something before going for another baby.

 

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Ooh, I vote (do we get to vote???) for another baby! I loved having more--38, 40, and 43! It postpones the empty nest until you're old enough you just get to be the old, cranky lady with gray hair! Just wish I hadn't lost my last few kids. Seriously, later babies are a blast. We live in a small, boring town too, and it suits us. I like it when you look forward to the front page of the weekly newspaper, checking up to see how the x-c team did. Revel in that small town. 

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 35 doesn't sounds like "mid-life" to me. If it is, then I have less than 20 years to live and I will not embrace that.  

It sounds like you are craving a challenge, possibly? Maybe do some goal setting around some things you'd personally like to accomplish, and set up a plan on how to achieve them.

Just because you live in a location right now that it means you'll be there forever. Things can change very quickly. 

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I can relate to what you're talking about. When I turned 40, a similar thing happened. I had just had my last baby and I seriously felt like I had just fallen off the side of the mountain. You know, especially for those of us who knew we wanted to be moms....the first half of your life feels like climbing up that mountain. And then, after you have the last child (for me at least), it feels like the climb is over and you are heading back over the other side. That was a scary realization for me. I have no advice because I'm still dealing with it, but you are not alone.

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If it helps any, your children will still need you big time even when they are teen, sometimes even more so. I am so busy with my teens that I have less time than I thought I'd have for my own activities than when they were babies.  

If being a mom is what you love to do, then there is plenty to look forward to doing with teens. My friend used to take one of her children on a travelling adventure each year. 

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I’m 37, so a little older than 35, but am still hoping I haven’t hit the mid point of my life yet. My kids are 13, 11, 9, and 7. I know they still need me and I do enjoy their ages now, but it is definitely different than it was in the beginning. I did always look forward to being a mom and now I am over halfway done with having minor children. 

I guess I have been thinking that I won’t even be 50 when my last one graduates. And what if I can’t get a job then, what will I do with my life. What will it look like? I realize this problem is still over 10 years away, lol, but the last 10 years have gone by so fast. 
 

The last 15 years have been pretty exciting and honestly dh and I were kind of working toward this life-kids that are a little more self-sufficient and putting roots down, but now I don’t know what to look forward to in the next 15 years. And maybe this rooted down life is not what I want forever.

And yes, I do hope to live another 50 years. I guess I am just feeling like maybe they won’t be as good as the years I have already had.

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55 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

My kids are 13, 11, 9, and 7. I know they still need me and I do enjoy their ages now, but it is definitely different than it was in the beginning. 

I guess I have been thinking that I won’t even be 50 when my last one graduates. And what if I can’t get a job then, what will I do with my life. 

 

My kids are 13 and 14. I would be about 49 when DS13 enters college assuming he does not take a gap year. Looking back, my kids were busy starting from 7th grade. Now they only need me to nag and make sure they (picky eaters that would rather starve) eat.

What I am doing now is attending college extension classes and doing somewhat well in them. My kids would nag me not to procrastinate in my homework and I would counter nag them 🙂 If I can’ get a job when my DS13 goes to college, I’ll just spend my time being a freelance tutor for fun money and volunteer work for the social enjoyment (I lean extrovert). 

I think midlife is after 45 years old so I am in midlife range while you are still very young. My city has a population of 129k. Having grown up in a city denser than San Francisco, where high rise buildings and grid lock traffic are the norm, my current city is rather boring and small. What is nice is that if I miss the craziness of bright lights big city, SF and LA aren’t far away. 

We also tend to do short road trips to big bustling cities mainly because my husband loves to shop and my kids loves to see more humans and have more restaurants to pick from.

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When I and all my friends had mid life crises (how the hell do you spell that???)  we got puppies.  No, I'm not kidding and not being funny.  It was just what we needed.

Friends got cute little puffy cuddly dogs.  I got a heeler.  Think about it.

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Or, if you don't want more responsibility, you could try a new exercise program.  Or a new sport.  Or instrument lessons.  Or a community choir.  Some type of art or creating.  Or community theatre.  Something for you that you enjoy doing and would like to improve in.  

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I'm 47 and have been wandering around my mid-life crisis for the last year-ish. It's not helping that DS11 is hitting the moody tween years as I am hitting perimenopause.  One or the other of us is always moping around about how everything is terrible and dull.  

If you want another baby, then you should have one.  I had DS11 the week before I turned 36.  But then again, if you have another baby, you too will be hitting perimenopause at the same time your kiddo hits the moody tween years. Then you have all their hormonal stuff plus your own hormonal stuff plus the "The kids are older and don't need me" stuff to deal with at the same time. 

If the job doesn't work out, is travel a possibility for you?  For my own situation, I know that *something* needs to change here, but I haven't figured out what.  I traveled around the US a lot in my 20s.  I remember really looking forward to short trips to new places and would kind of like to do that with DS11.      

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On 11/1/2019 at 7:12 PM, lovinmyboys said:

I’m 37, so a little older than 35, but am still hoping I haven’t hit the mid point of my life yet. My kids are 13, 11, 9, and 7. I know they still need me and I do enjoy their ages now, but it is definitely different than it was in the beginning. I did always look forward to being a mom and now I am over halfway done with having minor children. 

I guess I have been thinking that I won’t even be 50 when my last one graduates. And what if I can’t get a job then, what will I do with my life. What will it look like? I realize this problem is still over 10 years away, lol, but the last 10 years have gone by so fast. 
 

The last 15 years have been pretty exciting and honestly dh and I were kind of working toward this life-kids that are a little more self-sufficient and putting roots down, but now I don’t know what to look forward to in the next 15 years. And maybe this rooted down life is not what I want forever.

And yes, I do hope to live another 50 years. I guess I am just feeling like maybe they won’t be as good as the years I have already had.

 

I’ll tell you what will be there then - grandbabies! I just turned 51. My kids, when I was 35, were the exact ages of yours. We lived in a rural area (but not super far away from a small town and big city - where we moved from), home schooled, and were very much just out here doing our thing. We didn’t have tons of extra money to be involved in everything, so we did what we could. I wanted another baby for years, and lost 4 to ectopic pregnancies, so I did spend some time in self-pity mode, but ultimately got past it and let myself just enjoy my teenagers, and having some freedom to do things.

Fast forward to now, at 51. I have 7 grandchildren (and 5 step-grandchildren), with another grandchild on the way, and I LOVE it! I do work a couple part-time jobs from home, but only because I’m trying to pay off a couple things - can’t wait to not even have to do that! I’m about to be helping home school my 2 oldest grandchildren, and I’m really looking forward to that.

Honestly, my life is crazy hectic right now, but I can look back and see how everything really did work out for the best, and I have a lot to be thankful for.

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On 11/1/2019 at 8:53 PM, MaBelle said:

When I and all my friends had mid life crises (how the hell do you spell that???)  we got puppies.  No, I'm not kidding and not being funny.  It was just what we needed.

Friends got cute little puffy cuddly dogs.  I got a heeler.  Think about it.

We got a lab last year and we're calling it DH's midlife crisis puppy. DD said, "He's ruining the dog because he's treating it like a grandchild." He's not actually ruining it, but this pup is DEFINITELY more spoiled than any of our other dogs. We're a no dogs on furniture family, and somehow this 60lbs and growing puppy is still a lap dog on DH's chair, lol. 

 

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I did the puppy thing, lol.
When kid #5 turned 4, it was the first time I had ever had a 4yo without also having a baby in my arms. I decided I’d get a 10-15 year baby.  Then my daughter became my “baby”’s person. 😠

Though I don’t think I’ve had a midlife crisis (yet, lol,) I’ve always needed to learn and do new things.  I do live in a pretty “boring” place, so it’s up to me to make things interesting.  Even if that’s just DIY remodels on parts of the house, it keeps me happy. Volunteering keeps me busy.  So does having older kids but non-drivers involved in various activities.  I do find a lot of meaning in “making” well-rounded people, and it’s a heck of a lot easier to facilitate that without babies in tow!

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Ahoy from age 50. 😂  It's pretty great here.

Your job here is to start building interests that do not revolve around your kids.  I love being a mom and I loved homeschooling my kids (now 20, 18, and 14), but this gig does not last forever. I would be 100% down for grandchildren like Stacey, but that probably won't happen for several years yet.  Do you have any elders in your family that you admire?  How did they spend their middle years?

I went back to school at age 45 and was the oldest one in my classes (even older than all but one professor).  It was fine and I feel like I was able to be an example of "Always keep learning" for my kids and my classmates  (who could have been my kids, LOL).  I am now working full time and I am older than most of my peers in a young field, but my life experience as a parent and homeschooling mom has helped me tremendously. My life did not end when my kids grew up. If you don't get this particular job you interviewed for, you will get a different one if you allow yourself to keep moving forward.  I don't recommend bringing a new person into the world simply because you are loose ends, but puppies are fun. 😊

If everything continues to go right for you, you will be alive and healthy for the next 50 years or so. You can't live 50 years reminiscing about your early parenting years and how cute your kids were when they were little.  It's unfair to them and to you. Time to get out there and focus on your own development.  

Best wishes to you!

 

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Plan a trip - celebrate being in midlife and discover what this season has to offer. 

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Yes.  I am 49 and believe I am in the throes of one.  My 18 year old will most likely be entering the work force next year and my 15 year old has all his classes done online or through co-op so I am not really teaching him anymore.  I think about going back to work, but I have a 17 year gap in practicing law and as far as I can tell no one is looking for that (and I used to live near a major city where there were lots of opportunities, there really aren't any corporate law jobs in my little town now).  I am thinking about going back to school to become a teacher but then I think (a) why, and (b) is anyone going to hire a 52 year old first year teacher when I graduate in 2 years?

So yeah, I hear you.

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4 hours ago, NorthwestMom said:

Ahoy from age 50. 😂  It's pretty great here.

Your job here is to start building interests that do not revolve around your kids.  I love being a mom and I loved homeschooling my kids (now 20, 18, and 14), but this gig does not last forever. I would be 100% down for grandchildren like Stacey, but that probably won't happen for several years yet.  Do you have any elders in your family that you admire?  How did they spend their middle years?

I went back to school at age 45 and was the oldest one in my classes (even older than all but one professor).  It was fine and I feel like I was able to be an example of "Always keep learning" for my kids and my classmates  (who could have been my kids, LOL).  I am now working full time and I am older than most of my peers in a young field, but my life experience as a parent and homeschooling mom has helped me tremendously. My life did not end when my kids grew up. If you don't get this particular job you interviewed for, you will get a different one if you allow yourself to keep moving forward.  I don't recommend bringing a new person into the world simply because you are loose ends, but puppies are fun. 😊

If everything continues to go right for you, you will be alive and healthy for the next 50 years or so. You can't live 50 years reminiscing about your early parenting years and how cute your kids were when they were little.  It's unfair to them and to you. Time to get out there and focus on your own development.  

Best wishes to you!

 

Exactly this. 

My youngest just left for college and my circle is filled with people my age with college-aged kids. Some moms are really struggling. The ones that aren’t are the those that cultivated a live outside their kids. They are great moms—involved and attentive—but they have a solid friend group and regular volunteering or part time/full time job. 
 

I maintain its good for our kids, particularly our daughters, to see us having balance in our lives. Balance gets easier to achieve, I believe, as our kids get older. We need to work at it and plan ahead for it. 
 

A part time job can do wonders, by the way. I’d start there. 

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