Noreen Claire Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) I need your best "been there, done that" advice for dealing with a kid who has been, up to this point, extremely bright, academically advanced, mostly patient, and quick with his schoolwork and who is now, suddenly, moody, crabby, and obviously hormonal in a way that effects his working memory, his patience, his frustration levels, his focus, and his ability to make good decisions. Currently, he is sent to bed between 8:30-9:00pm, but can read for a while in bed. He gets up at 7am. He eats pretty well, though I think he could use more protein and good fats. He doesn't eat tree nuts, eggs, or poultry products and he doesn't drink milk, though he does eat cheese and yogurt. He's has soccer 3x/week and cross country 2x/week, but they both end this week. Basketball starts soon, but will be only 2-3x/week. He does not have regular contact with kids his age outside of sports. Give me your best tween-hormones-are-going-to-kill-us-both advice, please! Edited October 29, 2019 by Noreen Claire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Trampoline Weed eating Digging holes Airing up tires. Mine likes work that really feels like "grownup" work. Not little kid work of folding socks or dusting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Is his age in your siggy correct- 10/5th grade? My best advice is to lower your expectations and not take anything personally. You've addressed the big 4 here- food, sleep, exercise, and social time. Keep working on those. Pursue more social opportunities for him. If there's any way to get him time with dudes doing dude stuff, try to work that out. Increase exercise as much as you can. Academically, the memory/brain fart issues are real. Go back to your kindergarten strategies- short lessons interspersed with physical movement and food breaks. Expect to have to repeat lessons. I cannot overemphasize the not taking it personally thing. Do not emotionally engage. Let him feel his feelings and set your boundaries on the treatment of others, but do not get on that rollercoaster with him. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Isn’t this the kind of change people look to for PANDAS? I know next to nothing about PANDAS, except what I have read on here, though. I think maybe @Ktgrok is one of the parents on here who looked into or dealt with it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 My best advice is to not cope by eating ghiardelli mint chocolate chips, or you will gain weight. It's a mistake I made with my oldest. 🙂 In all seriousness, the tween/teen brain in puberty is under major reconstruction; it's literally rewiring. Don't take things personally and offer a lot of grace. We found it helpful with our boys to scale school back to the basics. We added a lot of physical activity. We re-did our landscaping, and paid our boys a decent wage to do so. Having them haul thousands of pounds of rock, mulch, etc. was good for their bodies and minds and they develop a valuable skill for adult life. Likewise, we've built sheds (from kits), repainted houses, renovated decks....any type of physical hard labor you can throw at them is good. We also worked on learning how to cook, first aid, planning major road trips, laundry--whatever adulting skills you want them to have. When your tween tantrums (I also have a 5th grader this year), I just kinda raise my eyebrow in a non-threatening way and ask if they need to take a moment for themselves. Parenting tweens is very much like parenting toddlers. Self-regulation is a very important skill. I get that we all lose it at some point, but learning how to recover and manage life gracefully is valuable. I find that I am having to step in a bit more and help them recover. We have found it helpful to have a stack of engaging books---taking some time to read and have a snack often helps them pause and re-set. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Adding...fwiw, 10.5-13.5 has been the worst for us. My kids, as actual teenagers, have been delightful. My 8th grader has rejoined humanity this year, for which we are all rejoicing. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noreen Claire Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 14 minutes ago, Quill said: Isn’t this the kind of change people look to for PANDAS? I know next to nothing about PANDAS, except what I have read on here, though. I think maybe @Ktgrok is one of the parents on here who looked into or dealt with it. We've been through PANDAS. This isn't it, though it *is* aggravating stuff that's always been just under the surface, like anxiety and tics. His last serious PANDAS flare was the final straw that convinced me to pull him from the public school, between 1st and 2nd grade. I really feel like this is hormone related. He's grown 2 clothing sizes and at least 4 shoe sizes since spring... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Honestly, this sounds like normal tween stuff to me. I'd focus on the big 3 - sleep, nutrition, exercise. And try to keep a sense of humor! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 The main thing I would change would be high activity sports/exercise every day for no less than an hour, preferably much more. 🙂 Food-wise, is he able to eat as much as he wants? Plenty of snacks available? With him growing that fast, he might be getting "hangry." Another vote for don't take it personally! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 He’s been very active. When was the last time his ped checked his vitamin levels? I’m thinking he has a deficiency somewhere that is wearing him out and he has nothing left to control himself with. teens in general, and especially boys, tend to run low on magnesium and zinc. And I think exercise depletes magnesium. I give my boys 5 Magmind caplets each evening. A missed day and boy, I can tell the difference! It seems to help hold them together emotionally or calm them or something. My friend just ran a vitamin panel on her 13yo and started supplementing what the ped recommended. She’s said it’s made a nice difference. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noreen Claire Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 26 minutes ago, matrips said: When was the last time his ped checked his vitamin levels? I Thank you, this made me realize we haven't been taking our vitamins, and it's time to add vitamin D as well. Will start today! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGal Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Could be he needs more choline. One of my kids, now 23, and I need way more. There’s a genetic predisposition to it and we both have it. Egg yolks and liver are excellent sources but if your son doesn’t eat either, then you can supplement with krill oil for awhile and see if that helps. My son takes the Now brand of krill, iirc, 500 mg each, 10 capsules. It’s made a big difference although his GAD rears it’s ugly head now and then. Far less often, though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 I agree with the meaningful work thing. But it won't always be what you define as meaningful. To you, since he's a smart kid who's always done well, it would probably be meaningful if he were to push ahead with his schoolwork and be ready for such and such high school level whatever. To him, that might be pointless. He might need to be actively building something or earning money in the neighborhood or something like that. I find that they need outside validation and serious work, but it has to feel important to them. Sports, performance based activities, scouts, competitions, jobs, and projects are all things that I find often spark for kids this age. And it won't cure the grouciness. That's normal. You definitely have to adjust your expectations. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 2 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said: Adding...fwiw, 10.5-13.5 has been the worst for us. My kids, as actual teenagers, have been delightful. My 8th grader has rejoined humanity this year, for which we are all rejoicing. Ah, there is hope! Good to hear! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said: Adding...fwiw, 10.5-13.5 has been the worst for us. My kids, as actual teenagers, have been delightful. My 8th grader has rejoined humanity this year, for which we are all rejoicing. We were just talking about this the other day. I don't think they all match up, but I do think that each kid has their hard years and their fun years. When you're in the hard it feels like it'll last forever, but they do emerge again. For ds, the worst was from about 13-15.5. He's 17 and just the best right now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 I have twin annoying teenagers. They're 16 now and I've finally figured out how to ignore them when they're being teenagey -- and put on my favorite podcasts. I have several. They really help. The main thing: I remind myself practically daily that the babies/kids who were really bonded to the mom, have to pull away the hardest or they won't become truly functional, wonderful adults. It's heartbreaking, but our sweet, darling little caterpillars are becoming butterflies. Alley 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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