7th/8th grade for very stressed, emotionally shut down kid

[Dmmetler]

One of my friends is going through a pretty bad divorce, and has asked me if her 13 yr old can stay with me while she works a couple of times a week for the next few months. The girl is just plain emotionally shut down. She is functioning substantially academically below the level she was at a few months ago, and that is upsetting her as well.

Mostly, I just want to give her a break, but she does need to get some schoolwork done in that time, both for consistency and because she needs a win somewhere. 

[shinyhappypeople]

What makes her happy?  What does she like to do?

[Lori D.]

(((hugs))) to 13yo and her mom. And to you, for helping give them a break and a bit of stability while they process this stressful situation.

Is the mom homeschooling her DD? And if so, what is she using? Or is the DD in school and needs to complete work assigned at school? Because my initial thought is if they are homeschooling, perhaps give them both a respite with some relaxed schooling.

Do core subjects:
* Literature: read good, engaging, uplifting books (NOT on heavy topics) -- a reader, and a read-aloud
* Writing:
* Math: her regular math -- but maybe set aside the textbook for now and just do some fun math explorations

I'd set aside things like Grammar and Geography for now -- unless it's a topic DD loves and would like to keep going with.

And then *optionally* do other subjects, as it works for DD -- I personally would vote for more relaxed, unstructured exploration to take the pressure off, and so everything will be more interesting or follow DD's interests, and will feel like a win.

Science and/or History "light" -- ideas:
- documentaries, interesting feature films
- biographies of interesting people
- unit study on a topic of high interest to the DD
- science kit and or history hands-on project
- research a topic of interest to the DD

Art or Music Appreciation. Or Film Appreciation (watch classic films and discuss). Or making art. Or learning to sketch informally with Mark Kistler's Draw Squad. Or other... -- as she would be interested. Or not. 😉

What about a satisfying extracurricular or personal hobby development that could be picked up/put down in a relaxed way? --cooking, baking, cake decorating, jewelry making, electronic/soldering kits, woodworking, gardening, ceramics/pottery making, sewing, knitting/crotcheting...

[Guest]

She’s theoretically homeschooling, but not much is happening. Mom is stressed, too, for good reason, and one of her concerns is that her soon to be ex is likely to use homeschooling in court, so if he can claim there is no education happening, that won't be good. The girl is very resistant to going to school right now, and middle school would be a tough time to come in. 

Edited October 18, 2019 by dmmetler

[Lori D.]

10 minutes ago, dmmetler said:

She’s theoretically homeschooling, but not much is happening. Mom is stressed, too, for good reason, and one of her concerns is that her soon to be ex is likely to use homeschooling in court, so if he can claim there is no education happening, that won't be good. The girl is very resistant to going to school right now, and middle school would be a tough time to come in. 

So, would you want/need some specific curricula ideas? Scheduling ideas? Not quite sure how we can best help you as you help them... Do you have a more detailed idea of what is needed educationally and what you could/would provide?

[Guest]

 I think what she needs most is success and something she feels in control of, but ideally in a way that produces output, if that makes any sense. 

[Lori D.]

27 minutes ago, dmmetler said:

 I think what she needs most is success and something she feels in control of, but ideally in a way that produces output, if that makes any sense. 

Would that be textbooks or workbooks (steady, measurable output at grade level) for core subjects? Or what about something like Time4Learning -- online, self-paced, self-grading, core subjects that she could do while at home/with mom or with you, and the add in "optional" subjects done in a more relaxed way or as unit studies as she feels up for it and is with you so that she has more adult input/assistance with those optional subjects??

Also, where are her writing skills? If she's comfortable with the average types of writing, then writing could be some of the "output" for the non-core subjects if they are done in a more relaxed, non-traditional way. Or projects perhaps -- would she have the energy and interest for a longer/more involved science project entered into a regional science competition?

Also, I would think it would be critical to get her linked with a homeschool support group, for social activities to help giver her some emotional balance and activities to look forward too...

ETA 

   36 minutes ago,  dmmetler said: 

She’s theoretically homeschooling, but not much is happening. Mom is stressed, too, for good reason, and one of her concerns is that her soon to be ex is likely to use homeschooling in court, so if he can claim there is no education happening, that won't be good. The girl is very resistant to going to school right now, and middle school would be a tough time to come in. 

Is DD old enough to sit down and talk about this without it freaking her out, but to help her see that some effort towards school work is really important right now, even though she is dealing with a lot right now. - i.e., "We need to show steady progress with you home studies, so the courts can see that you are moving forward in your education. If the courts don't see that, the courts could require you to attend a public school."

Edited October 18, 2019 by Lori D.

[Farrar]

The output is so the mom can have it in hand to show the STBX and possibly a judge or mediator, right? Absolutely anything of some substance can be made to look good if the parent/homeschooler wants to take the initiative to pretty it up, take photos, and make lists with educational slang like "learning outcomes" that look all nice and organized. I wouldn't decide thinking primarily of that. I'd work on reverse engineering the nice looking output. One thing I learned from doing portfolio assessment for years with middle schoolers when I was teaching - plastic sleeves can make anything look beautiful and organized.

I think you need to figure out the way in for this kid. It could be so many things. Without knowing her, it's impossible to say.

[Tree Frog]

What about doing something like lapbooks if she enjoys art or creating things? She's a little on the older side for them, but it might be something she can create and put small bites of info on the books/graphic organizers to attach to the lapbook. It might be easy, but maybe she could do one of a book that (does or does not) have anything to do with divorce or other issues she has. Or maybe it's about something she does as a hobby or enjoys. As I recall, they go together fairly easily and could look really nice, which would give her some quick, easy output. She could choose which books or other graphic organizers to use. It would be something fairly easy to focus on with output that could be informative and interesting (if she's someone who would enjoy it.)

[Guest]

She's a very artistic, musically gifted, animal oriented kid. Her father is, at minimum, emotionally abusive, and one form that abuse has taken is to tear down mom's homeschooling and to tell the kids that they are going to fail in life, repeatedly.  I tutored the girl and her younger brother two years ago before a standardized test, because Mom was trying to prove that they were on target, and she was solidly on grade level or a little above. Now, she freezes and is unable to start on almost anything with numbers, feels she cannot write, and is just plain unable to start.  I think a lot of the loss of skills is just plain that she is so emotionally overloaded.  

[shinyhappypeople]

1 hour ago, dmmetler said:

She's a very artistic, musically gifted, animal oriented kid. Her father is, at minimum, emotionally abusive, and one form that abuse has taken is to tear down mom's homeschooling and to tell the kids that they are going to fail in life, repeatedly.  I tutored the girl and her younger brother two years ago before a standardized test, because Mom was trying to prove that they were on target, and she was solidly on grade level or a little above. Now, she freezes and is unable to start on almost anything with numbers, feels she cannot write, and is just plain unable to start.  I think a lot of the loss of skills is just plain that she is so emotionally overloaded.  

Have you heard of The Thinking Tree portfolios?  She may need your help to get started, but they're very flexible, gentle, creative, and can be customized to suit her.  I like the 10 Subject Portfolio.

For math, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a "Math Fundamentals" year.  Go back to the point where math is easy and use games (Rightstart games, board games, etc), math art, etc.  You could also try the Learn Math Fast books.   

Thanks for helping her through this time ❤️ 

[EKS]

I would choose resources that are easily used interactively.  For history and science, I'd do read alouds and documentaries.  For literature, read alouds.  Grammar--MCT.  Writing--Write a paragraph or two or three about what she found interesting in history, science, or literature, and discuss and with the parent/instructor making notes on a small whiteboard first.  Math--whatever it is, I'd do in interactively with a small whiteboard.  You can actually do all of school on the couch this way.

[shinyhappypeople]

1 hour ago, kand said:

Maybe she could do one of Ellen McHenry’s science/drawing courses. I have an artistic, academically unmotivated teen who produced beautiful work using the Anatomy/physiology class. 

And maybe one of Professor Carol’s online classes for music/history?

And if she will read, get good books and keep a running book list of what she’s reading. 

This is a great suggestion!  Ellen McHenry also has a geography/mapping program along the same lines.

[Carol in Cal.]

Re the writing, can she compose well?  Maybe a voice to text program would give her a starting point for composition?

Also, I don’t know how familiar/comfortable you are with Writing Jungle but it tends to focus on interest-led writing, and that might be best for her right now.  They have some online classes that are shorter than a semester and are really good, if you don’t want to teach it yourself.  (And it’s kind of an overwhelming approach if you haven’t already done it.  You get a big binder of how to teach writing instruction—it’s a train the trainer approach, and a bit diffuse in presentation.  I had to read it several times before it really clicked with me, and it’s LONG.  So if you’re mostly helping out for just this one year, the online classes would make a lot more sense if you’re not already comfortable with the method.)

Edited October 18, 2019 by Carol in Cal.

[Lori D.]

5 hours ago, dmmetler said:

...Her father is, at minimum, emotionally abusive, and one form that abuse has taken is to tear down mom's homeschooling and to tell the kids that they are going to fail in life, repeatedly.

So, so sorry! Hearing these new details about how bad the situation has been really changes any suggests. So definitely forget my thought up-thread of talking about the situation and how it might effect where/how she schools. And my personal reaction -- shock and anger at the father... there are just no words that express the outrage of someone intentionally tearing down, abusing, and permanently scarring another -- especially when the victim is a child. I am so very sorry for your friend and her children.
 

5 hours ago, dmmetler said:

...Now, she freezes and is unable to start on almost anything with numbers, feels she cannot write, and is just plain unable to start.  I think a lot of the loss of skills is just plain that she is so emotionally overloaded.  

It sounds like she first needs some counseling to help recover emotionally/mentally to be able to do school. And perhaps some art therapy and/or animal-assisted therapy. For example, there are therapeutic horse riding programs for children and teens that help calm and bolster confidence.

Next, it sounds like it needs to be a combination of materials. Things that are more solo-working (and provide some output) while at home, since mom is overwhelmed dealing with the issue. And then things that are more interactive, but easy to pick up/set down, that she would do with you.

And it sounds like she really, really needs some lessons or orchestra or other way to encourage her artistic/music gifts.

5 hours ago, dmmetler said:

She's a very artistic, musically gifted, animal oriented kid...
...I tutored the girl and her younger brother two years ago before a standardized test... and she was solidly on grade level or a little above...
...Now, she freezes and is unable to start on almost anything with numbers, feels she cannot write, and is just plain unable to start....

She might need a lot of you working alongside with her, with lots of alternating turns, you doing some of it to get started and then handing off to her, or talking her through the steps and giving loads of praise and encouragement at every step, or even having her dictate the math or writing to you and you scribe to get her started.

Love the Ellen McHenry science/art idea. She also has a geography/art program -- maybe that would be the way to go this year for Social Studies, rather than History. A lot of schools do Geography in 8th grade, so that would be right on track.

The Thinking Tree portfolios suggested by shinyhappypeople above look like a great way of helping her get set up with bite-size, manageable amounts of schooling so she doesn't freeze up thinking there's too much to do.

For writing, help her over the freezing about starting by taking turns with each writing a word or a sentence to get through a paragraph, or make it more game-like by rolling a die and the number that comes up is how many words that person contributes to the writing; then the other person rolls the die and adds on that many words; repeat, until a paragraph has been completed. Be sure you go first, so you're giving her the ability to just jump in with something already started so she doesn't freeze about starting. If your DD is home then, do 3-person writes. Make it fun and keep it light. If coming up with a topic is too much stress, then find some fun prompts, put one prompt per piece of paper, and then draw one out of a jar (again, more game-like). If a paragraph is too much, then start with taking turns doing a sentence, and do several different sentences, drawing out of the jar for what the topic of the next sentence will be.  Once you've done this a number of days and she is relaxing, you might switch to the "silent notebook variation", where several times over the course of the day, you each walk over to the open notebook and add a sentence, or several sentences, or a paragraph, that each add to a story or a piece of writing on a subject of interest to her that you both alternate to build up. From there, once she is feeling more confident, you might check out Cover Story, which has video lessons, is more creative writing based, and includes a bit of grammar. The Bravewriter Arrows suggest above by Carol in Cal. might also work, although Bravewriter seems to either really fit -- or NOT fit -- with people.

For math, what about desensitizing about the fear of or freak out about of numbers first with some games that involve math:
- Yahtzee
- Farkle
- Muggins Math games (various games)
- Prime Climb
- board games with money (Life, Go For Broke, Monopoly, Pay Day...)
- card games with adding/subtracting (here are the rules for 99)

And also fun books:
- Math Curse -- a picture book, but really for upper elementary/middle schoolers to laugh away math stress
- Murderous Maths
- Perfectly Perilous Maths
- The Cryptoclub
- The Number Devil
- The Adventures of Penrose the Mathematical Cat, and, Puzzles from Penrose
- Math and Magic in Wonderland (gr. 4-6)
- The Man Who Counted: A Collection of Mathematical Adventures
- Mathematicians are People Too

And then move into some problem-solving that does not look like a traditional math workbook/textbook:
- Jousting Armadillos
- Zacarro Challenge Math
- TOPS (gr. 6-10): Graphing, Probability, Measuring Length, Metric Measuring gr. 5-8 or gr. 8-12; More Metric Measuring; Math Lab
- Patty Paper Geometry

I also recommend the Keys to... math series of workbooks -- very gentle and incremental, with lots of practice for gaining confidence, and they come at the different math topics from multiple ways to help develop math connections and thinking, but also so that if one way isn't "clicking" for the student, the next method of presentation might. Spending this year getting solid with Fractions, Decimals, and Percents would be great prep for moving forward next year into Pre-Algebra or a gentle Algebra 1. Those are all workbooks, so that would provide a lot of demonstrable "output". Hands-On Equations might also be a great, gentle intro into basic Algebra concepts. Can easily be done WITH her, and also has worksheets for "output".

Wishing you all the very BEST and that this young lady experiences some great success and JOY in learning and discovering this year with you. Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

Edited October 18, 2019 by Lori D.

[Guest]

She does piano with me (she actually was the student that pushed me back into teaching privately, because she so needed it, but her father was unwilling to pay for lessons) and is in my teen orchestration class. DD is doing a teen social group that I'm hoping I can bring her to as well-it's a nice group of kids, and is relatively low pressure.

 

 I think some form of animal therapy would be good-she spends a lot of time at my house with the cats, and I have one who is the original Velcro cat and is more than happy to spend hours being cuddled and held. 

 

I was thinking the keys workbooks might be good because they are small and not intimidating in the way that Saxon or a similar textbook is. She actually did some of HoE with me two years ago. I also have Algeblocks, which might be good-feeling like she's behind isn't helping anyone right now. Geometry would be good too. Maybe a quilting project? 

[Lori D.]

54 minutes ago, dmmetler said:

She does piano with me... and is in my teen orchestration class. DD is doing a teen social group that I'm hoping I can bring her to as well-it's a nice group of kids, and is relatively low pressure...

... I think some form of animal therapy would be good-she spends a lot of time at my house with the cats, and I have one who is the original Velcro cat and is more than happy to spend hours being cuddled and held...

Wonderful!
 

...I was thinking the keys workbooks might be good because they are small and not intimidating in the way that Saxon or a similar textbook is. She actually did some of HoE with me two years ago. I also have Algeblocks, which might be good-feeling like she's behind isn't helping anyone right now. Geometry would be good too. Maybe a quilting project? 

I do think that instead of continuing to overwhelm you by throwing curricula ideas at you (lol), it would probably be more profitable if you were to sit down and figure out exactly what days and how much time, and how *involved* 1-on-1 you can be or want to be with the DD. So, for example: 4-5 hours each on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with xx minutes of that time given over for your usual piano lessons with her, and rest of that time for being right there and mentoring and encouraging through the subjects or unit studies or materials that work best for you to oversee with her.

And then you and her mom can sit down together and plan:
1. subjects -- what subjects DD needs to cover this year (or is able to cover)
2. responsibility -- who will be responsible for what (what subjects or units), or how to divide up the workload, and what might DD be able to handle on her own from a check-off list (like, reading, for example)
3. programs/resources -- what does mom already have/want to use, what do you have that fits in with the goals, and what might be needed to be purchased or borrowed

And, then the 3 of you (DD and her mom and you), can discuss/plan on what special project(s) might be meaningful, therapeutic, and "teaching skills" that DD would like to do -- like a quilting project.

Wishing all of you the very BEST, and hoping DD's time with you will be a respite for her and a blessing for both of you. Kudos to you for pouring out your time and energies on this family! Warmest regards, Lori D. 

[maize]

I think if this were my home I might try nutritious food and time sitting with one of those adult coloring books while you read aloud to her for literature, science, history, even some of the math in story form books listed above.

If her math isn't above 8th grade level the prodigy game online can work for practice, my 14 year old still plays it and my 16 year old wishes it covered high school levels.

[alisoncooks]

This may be below her level but my 11 year old is doing an online program called Night Zookeeper. It is subscription based, but not too pricey (I found it via Facebook, with a discounted price). It's a composition program based on a magical zoo. There are different types of writing activities, and they all get positive and gentle constructive feedback from moderators. There's a drawing component with a MS Paint-like program. 

Maybe, if she needs something gentle to get the ball rolling, this would be a potential option. 

[Guest]

I had her for several hours today. We took the math book and English book that her mom wants her to use, and broke down the work to a level that isn't overwhelming to her. I copied the problems for her, with a small number per page, and since she is struggling with recall of facts, added a stick-on table to each page, so she can reference it if she needs it (and if she knows it's there, she doesn't seem to use it much, but she just plain needs the security blanket). I also printed two easier activities from online. The goal is to do something every day, even just a little. We did the same for English, giving her daily activities that involve the same concepts, but involve more drawing, color coding and marking. Again, the goal is just to give her something independent and easy for the days she is not with me, but to also give her a little more choice and control than opening a book and copying questions and answers into a notebook. 

 

We played math games with manipulatives, and listened to an audiobook while coloring, and read about cryptozoology and started work on Clay models of made up creatures and developing a life history for them. DD was done with her classes by then, so she joined us for those activities. I also printed a new piano piece for her that is easy enough to sight read, but interesting and fun. 

 

Our most Velcro of cats pretty much spent all day on her lap, purring up a storm. 

 

She seemed a lot happier and more relaxed when she left.

[Lori D.]

13 minutes ago, dmmetler said:

I had her for several hours today. We took the math book and English book that her mom wants her to use, and broke down the work to a level that isn't overwhelming to her. I copied the problems for her, with a small number per page, and since she is struggling with recall of facts, added a stick-on table to each page, so she can reference it if she needs it (and if she knows it's there, she doesn't seem to use it much, but she just plain needs the security blanket). I also printed two easier activities from online. The goal is to do something every day, even just a little. We did the same for English, giving her daily activities that involve the same concepts, but involve more drawing, color coding and marking. Again, the goal is just to give her something independent and easy for the days she is not with me, but to also give her a little more choice and control than opening a book and copying questions and answers into a notebook. 

We played math games with manipulatives, and listened to an audiobook while coloring, and read about cryptozoology and started work on Clay models of made up creatures and developing a life history for them. DD was done with her classes by then, so she joined us for those activities. I also printed a new piano piece for her that is easy enough to sight read, but interesting and fun. 

Our most Velcro of cats pretty much spent all day on her lap, purring up a storm. 
She seemed a lot happier and more relaxed when she left.

That sounds wonderful! Just being a safe haven and knowing you are there and supporting her, and helping her take it one little step at a time is SUCH a blessing! And how lovely that she had simultaneous cat therapy just about the whole time. 😄 Blessings and best wishes for you all in the weeks and months to come! Warmest regards, Lori D.