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19 minutes ago, Pen said:

If another babysitter problem arises maybe you can go to therapy anyway and take dc with you (with coloring books and crayons or something) — it’s part of the real life issues you are dealing with and therapist seeing that might not be a bad thing. Clearly your dc already know mom and dad are fighting. 

Maybe she’d sit still with Minecraft on kindle though lol I don’t let her do that during Mass. 

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Dd will not sit still coloring etc for that length of time. She still goes onto the cry room and disturbs me during Mass which is an hr lol They gave me the option of 1 hr or 1.5 hr session. I chose the longer one, at least due the initial visit. 

I do have a back up sitter sometimes but she fell ill this week with a stomach thing so I’m glad I hadn’t relied on her. I may need to find another! lol 
 

 

Back up and back up back up sitters seems good.

but if she had to go with you , not being able to color for an hour would be potentially insightful for therapist. It *is* a marital stress to have a special needs/difficult/intense child.  

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We made it to the appointment. I don’t know how I feel but a bit more optimistic than the last session with another therapist in the past. 

She encouraged me to keep applying for jobs even though I feel defeated. She told me not to carry that mindset. I dropped off my resumé at the Catholic school today even though they are not currently hiring and the pay probably wouldn’t be high enough to warrant moving but I guess I’d consider commuting for certain jobs short-term. 

We got some chart wheel thing with emotions to help us touch base with each other daily. 

She wants date night to happen weekly or every other week. I said I’m fine with that but not sure Dh will make the time or justify the cost. She suggested he cut out some of his unpaid obligations and he said he has and he can’t. I said this is the problem... he doesn’t have time for me/us. Plus I mentioned financial stress etc. She dismissed our debt like it was nothing (cringe). She said maybe I’m too involved in outside things, too (the homeschool organization). I don’t know. 

The office did not give her my paperwork so she knew nothing. We tried our best to explain. 

We aren’t sure when we go back. Depends mainly on Dh’s work schedule (so probably after exams). 

She suggested the Boundaries book. I told her it was in my car lol I said I’ll try to do reading over Thanksgiving break. 

I’m stressed a bit but less so about our marriage and more so about preparing to leave town. I need to pick up cat litter on our date (I’m so romantic). 

Ds worked on his bedroom and washed some dishes. I’m packing school work so we can do some this week. 

Oh yeah she recommended individual talk therapy for me (not dh?) and I explained that goes back to finances & Dh accusing me of unnecessary medical appointments. She just said I’ll cut you guys a break... pay what you think today (??? She got our cc but we never finalized a fee. My card was on file for the other appointment already.). So the billing is clear as mud. 

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The charge went through. We paid $103 for that visit. 

We’ll go out alone at least once when we visit family. Mil will probably babysit. 

I guess I’ll follow up on a couple jobs I applied to weeks ago. 

Dh suggested a restaurant but when I saw the menu prices online both our jaws dropped ($30+ an entree). He had suggested a diner for dessert but I said let’s just go there to eat. It was high for the type of food but not kill my bank high. I got a blt & potato salad and was happy as a clam. I’m a cheap date lol there’s a bar in the very back but I am not supposed to drink alcohol on my medication and not a big drinker to begin with so I never went back there. When I got home a lady on my Facebook told me they filmed a scene from The Help at the diner. I thought that was really cool. 

Dh picked up the red light bulb I ordered. They gave us the wrong one but I’ll probably just keep it. The employee made a weird joke to him but I later saw the packaging says “party” so that made more sense.

The babysitter told me the local dollar store had already been robbed once in the morning when they were opening. I was like good grief. So yeah, won’t be torn up if I don’t work there. 

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Send help lol 

I’m ok. This week is just weird. We’re visiting family for Thanksgiving and dd got very sick. Stomach thing? So I wasn’t welcome at my parents’ home. They didn’t want to risk me spreading something to my fragile mom. She is physically weak and actually has a cataract surgery next week. So I kept my distance. I barely saw my sister that flew to town. Dh basically nudged her and my dad to invite me to their movie outing. They said it was ok and I met them there a few days ago. Dd is mostly better. Ds started running a fever. 

Dh took the car for an oil change and then it broke down. He had it towed and his dad picked him up. Now we have no car (his parents don’t share) and we don’t know how long it will take to fox the car. It’s at a dealership so at least they can address the recall thing. 

I am going a little stir crazy. I went on a 35 min walk alone earlier today. 

I’m still reading Boundaries and am starting to wonder if we should just take 2 cars next time or have a much shorter visit etc. No one should stay this many days with their inlaws. Mil overreacted because I removed a measuring spoon from the ring to use it lol I didn’t know that was a thing... I don’t know how people use them all clumped together tbh. I intended to put it back. At this point I think the healthiest thing for me to do is laugh to myself. Dh and I have been pretty good about doing our “homework.” 

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My MIL has some nitpicky rules like that at her home, too. I don't stay at her home because I don't want to deal with the negativity if I forget to dry the sink faucet after use.  It's fine to have picky standards for your home but not fine to make your guests feel like crap because they don't know your nitpicky standards. 

My vote is for separate cars if your husband won't agree to shorter visits. 

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2 hours ago, MissLemon said:

My MIL has some nitpicky rules like that at her home, too. I don't stay at her home because I don't want to deal with the negativity if I forget to dry the sink faucet after use.  It's fine to have picky standards for your home but not fine to make your guests feel like crap because they don't know your nitpicky standards. 

My vote is for separate cars if your husband won't agree to shorter visits. 

Yes, it’s like that. If the dryer beeps or washer stops I’m being addressed to address the machine ASAP. They just harp. I try not to do laundry here at all but things got thrown off before we came to town and I didn’t have time to get some items clean and packed. In hindsight that was poor planning on my part for washing stuffed animals first. I was trying to get them bagged up and out (dd agreed to get rid of a pile). I would have done laundry at my parents’ but that also got messed up with the quarantine. I’ll do better packing next time and I’ll leave some clothes here this visit for Christmas. 
 

I put no real effort into contributing to Thanksgiving dinner. No cushaw pie fights lol I peeled potatoes when they were short handed and otherwise just focused on the kids. Dh made a cheese ball and I picked up extra crackers for it but that was all. They didn’t do homemade rolls (used to be super adamant about using a family recipe but they never seemed to rise enough or something). When we got to the table there  were cold and dry rolls. I may learn how to make rolls in my spare time (I’ve been wanting to learn) and could bring some we could just reheat if I bother to get involved. Really I’m fine with skipping Thanksgiving next year and staying home but it’s a toss up. My mom is on a feeding tube so Thanksgiving lost a lot to me. 

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I think the children stuff is where I internally drew a line in the sand. Mil is quick to medicate for a fever etc. and I’m not. Ds ran a fever tonight. She was out of meds and called sil to bring over some children’s Tylenol but sil was out so then mil drove us (yes, two adults) to a store like 3 blocks away. She heard me say I was going stir crazy but apparently didn’t understand I wanted a break from other adults besides Dh. Dh falls more in her camp on meds. So that was awkward. Mil: “ds needs Tylenol.” Me: “We don’t meditate our kids for low-grade fevers.” Dh, “I do.” Ugh. So she waited in the car and Dh and I shopped. I said you know hoe ridiculous this is?? Why didn’t she just let you drive her car? He scoffed and said, “it’s her car.” Ok but 3 adults going to get meds is stupid lol Fil was home with kids. 

She told me not to use soap on the thermometer... the one she’s been using on every grandchild. What, excuse me? She said this as I was washing it with liquid Ivory brand. I said it’s gentle. She warned that doing stuff like that will ruin it becayse that’s what happened to the last one. Um if you say so. I told Dh and he said he always washes it, too. But mil was taking temps during the week (whether prompted or not). I told Dh it was just awkward for me as we butted heads over caregiving. I guess I don’t like feeling like she’s the tie breaker between Dh and I.

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20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes, it’s like that. If the dryer beeps or washer stops I’m being addressed to address the machine ASAP. They just harp. I try not to do laundry here at all but things got thrown off before we came to town and I didn’t have time to get some items clean and packed. In hindsight that was poor planning on my part for washing stuffed animals first. I was trying to get them bagged up and out (dd agreed to get rid of a pile). I would have done laundry at my parents’ but that also got messed up with the quarantine. I’ll do better packing next time and I’ll leave some clothes here this visit for Christmas. 

 

In a normal family, it wouldn't be a big deal for you to throw on some laundry, though.  One of the problems with people like your MIL is that no matter how carefully you prepare in advance to avoid a problem? They find a new problem to complain about. Like, you could address every one of MILs specific complaints and never do them again, studiously follow all their special recipes, never remove a measuring spoon from the ring, never wash the thermometer (???), etc and then she'd complain you stood on the wrong tile in the kitchen or folded the napkins wrong or your shoes are too squeaky.  Who knows! It's always something. 🙂     

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You’re right!! Lol She said when we had the bday cake that she wanted to avoid the real utensils to help with clean up. So along with the party plates I brought she handed out plastic forks. Then at dinner I grabbed a paper plate (they use frequently during the day d I think we used one night when we got pizza). She brought out a stack of real plates and looked at me funny saying these heat better. I said oh, I thought you’d want us to cut down on real dishes... I already have food on it. I’ll just use it. 

No way to read her mind. 

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Scarlett, I’m not sure if I confused you or if that was a reaction to mil swapping between paper products and real dishes. 

They don’t know what’s wrong with the car yet. They have to check manually since the machine or censors or something aren’t showing. The earliest we’ll find out is Monday. I submitted the form via email to our auto insurance for the tow reimbursement. This tow was $85 and they had to take to another town. Our last tow was a few feet to get out of mud and cost $100. 

Dh wants to consolidate our cc debt by getting a card with our credit union and moving the cc debt to that with a lower interest rate. It sounds great except I wonder if there’s a catch I don’t know. He said this way we’d hit the principal every month. 

My dad loaned me his car last night but I’m limiting driving because my license expired and the online renewal is pending. I would have done it sooner but I thought for the switch to “real ID” I had to go in person based on the date my last one was issued. The article I read was very confusing on the rules. I had Dh drive me to the store last night but I drove today to go to church nearby. I realize that state laws vary on whether you will affect the owner’s insurance or give them a ticket by driving with an expired license. I could not find the specific rule for my state. My dad knows my situation and said he’s not real worried because I have proof I paid for the new one. I know this is a gray area, though. 

I’m still quarantined from my parents’ home. They said maybe they’d let me come over tomorrow but I think I’ll just stay away. Don’t want my mom to blame me if she gets sick. I have a cold? Sore throat and off/on runny nose. I’m taking a probiotic, multivitamin, gargling GSE and drinking water. Trying to nip in the bud. 

Ds and I packed school so we’ve been doing some. Today he had to write a paragraph and I went over it with him. He put commas in the wrong places, started a sentence with “such as” etc. He needs some direction, but I think he’ll catch on. Not saying I’m some expert writer. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Scarlett, I’m not sure if I confused you or if that was a reaction to mil swapping between paper products and real dishes. 

They don’t know what’s wrong with the car yet. They have to check manually since the machine or censors or something aren’t showing. The earliest we’ll find out is Monday. I submitted the form via email to our auto insurance for the tow reimbursement. This tow was $85 and they had to take to another town. Our last tow was a few feet to get out of mud and cost $100. 

Dh wants to consolidate our cc debt by getting a card with our credit union and moving the cc debt to that with a lower interest rate. It sounds great except I wonder if there’s a catch I don’t know. He said this way we’d hit the principal every month. 

My dad loaned me his car last night but I’m limiting driving because my license expired and the online renewal is pending. I would have done it sooner but I thought for the switch to “real ID” I had to go in person based on the date my last one was issued. The article I read was very confusing on the rules. I had Dh drive me to the store last night but I drove today to go to church nearby. I realize that state laws vary on whether you will affect the owner’s insurance or give them a ticket by driving with an expired license. I could not find the specific rule for my state. My dad knows my situation and said he’s not real worried because I have proof I paid for the new one. I know this is a gray area, though. 

I’m still quarantined from my parents’ home. They said maybe they’d let me come over tomorrow but I think I’ll just stay away. Don’t want my mom to blame me if she gets sick. I have a cold? Sore throat and off/on runny nose. I’m taking a probiotic, multivitamin, gargling GSE and drinking water. Trying to nip in the bud. 

Ds and I packed school so we’ve been doing some. Today he had to write a paragraph and I went over it with him. He put commas in the wrong places, started a sentence with “such as” etc. He needs some direction, but I think he’ll catch on. Not saying I’m some expert writer. 

 

 

Yeah, the confused emoticon is um well, confusing.....lol....but yes, I was using it to express how crazy your MIL acts.

Edited by Scarlett
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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Scarlett, I’m not sure if I confused you or if that was a reaction to mil swapping between paper products and real dishes. 

They don’t know what’s wrong with the car yet. They have to check manually since the machine or censors or something aren’t showing. The earliest we’ll find out is Monday. I submitted the form via email to our auto insurance for the tow reimbursement. This tow was $85 and they had to take to another town. Our last tow was a few feet to get out of mud and cost $100. 

Dh wants to consolidate our cc debt by getting a card with our credit union and moving the cc debt to that with a lower interest rate. It sounds great except I wonder if there’s a catch I don’t know. He said this way we’d hit the principal every month. 

My dad loaned me his car last night but I’m limiting driving because my license expired and the online renewal is pending. I would have done it sooner but I thought for the switch to “real ID” I had to go in person based on the date my last one was issued. The article I read was very confusing on the rules. I had Dh drive me to the store last night but I drove today to go to church nearby. I realize that state laws vary on whether you will affect the owner’s insurance or give them a ticket by driving with an expired license. I could not find the specific rule for my state. My dad knows my situation and said he’s not real worried because I have proof I paid for the new one. I know this is a gray area, though. 

I’m still quarantined from my parents’ home. They said maybe they’d let me come over tomorrow but I think I’ll just stay away. Don’t want my mom to blame me if she gets sick. I have a cold? Sore throat and off/on runny nose. I’m taking a probiotic, multivitamin, gargling GSE and drinking water. Trying to nip in the bud. 

Ds and I packed school so we’ve been doing some. Today he had to write a paragraph and I went over it with him. He put commas in the wrong places, started a sentence with “such as” etc. He needs some direction, but I think he’ll catch on. Not saying I’m some expert writer. 

 

 

There is usually a transfer fee of at least 3% when you move a credit card balance from one card to another. 

If the new card offered you something like 0% interest on balance transfer for a year it could be worth it.

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7 minutes ago, maize said:

There is usually a transfer fee of at least 3% when you move a credit card balance from one card to another. 

If the new card offered you something like 0% interest on balance transfer for a year it could be worth it.

Unless debt will be racked up on the old card AND the new card....

And if the new credit card’s regular interest rate is higher than the old card, you have to make sure you can pay off the full amount AND the balance transfer fee before the deal ends. And not use the card at all. Because your payments will go toward the new debt before the balance transfer.

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They said no transfer fee. The interest rate is just below 6%. Our current cc is around 23%. I asked Dh is that rate changes after a yr and he said even if it does it won’t jump up to our current rate. I think I will speak directly to someone at the bank to make sure I got the facts right. 

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20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

They said no transfer fee. The interest rate is just below 6%. Our current cc is around 23%. I asked Dh is that rate changes after a yr and he said even if it does it won’t jump up to our current rate. I think I will speak directly to someone at the bank to make sure I got the facts right. 

It's a good idea to talk to them directly.

Also, the interest rate on any new purchases made on the new card is likely not the same as the rate on the balance transfer, if you do make the transfer you should likely not used that card for any new purchases.

I am concerned also that your dh may see the old card as now available to rack up new debt on.

On the plus side that is a significant reduction in interest.

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12 hours ago, maize said:

It's a good idea to talk to them directly.

Also, the interest rate on any new purchases made on the new card is likely not the same as the rate on the balance transfer, if you do make the transfer you should likely not used that card for any new purchases.

I am concerned also that your dh may see the old card as now available to rack up new debt on.

On the plus side that is a significant reduction in interest.

Good points. As far as the cc usage, we agreed not to use the cards unless there’s an emergency and it would only be the bank card, not the original cc. 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Good points. As far as the cc usage, we agreed not to use the cards unless there’s an emergency and it would only be the bank card, not the original cc. 

Do double check what the interest rate would be on new purchases on the bank card.

If you don't use the cards at all and just work on paying off the current debt this sounds like a good deal.

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The dealership thinks the oil change place caused the car issue by not draining the old oil and then adding new oil. Way too much oil in the car. They are draining it and taking pictures. 

Dh is confused because he saw the dipstick before he left the oil change. We don’t know what to think. 

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The oil change manager is saying they won’t necessarily cover damages. After a lot of back and forth the manager wanted to see the car himself so Dh gave the manager the dealership’s location. He claims he has video footage of how much oil was put in our car... Dh said ok I can show you our evidence and you can show the video. Then the guy said something about having limited access to the video and it going to the cloud and disappearing this afternoon ?? 

what a mess. Meanwhile I urged Dh to bring up the recall so that can get done and Dh has refused so far... stating he’ll bring that up next. I like to tell people all the info not like, “btw, this recall needs addressed” when they think they are done.  Dh snapped, “that’s all the f*** you care about.” He takes my train of thought all out of context. Meanwhile mil is trying to involve fil when fil gets off work. I said that’s up to you but remember you don’t need your dad to drive you. You can use my dad’s car. 

I have a migraine. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

The oil change manager is saying they won’t necessarily cover damages. After a lot of back and forth the manager wanted to see the car himself so Dh gave the manager the dealership’s location. He claims he has video footage of how much oil was put in our car... Dh said ok I can show you our evidence and you can show the video. Then the guy said something about having limited access to the video and it going to the cloud and disappearing this afternoon ?? 

what a mess. Meanwhile I urged Dh to bring up the recall so that can get done and Dh has refused so far... stating he’ll bring that up next. I like to tell people all the info not like, “btw, this recall needs addressed” when they think they are done.  Dh snapped, “that’s all the f*** you care about.” He takes my train of thought all out of context. Meanwhile mil is trying to involve fil when fil gets off work. I said that’s up to you but remember you don’t need your dad to drive you. You can use my dad’s car. 

I have a migraine. 

Sounds like the oil change manager is trying to bluff his way out of this.  If his "evidence" disappears that's his problem not yours.  As far as the recall goes, ordinarily I would agree with you about putting all the information up front but in this case, I think pushing about the recall kind of muddies the water when you first need to focus on getting the oil issue resolved.  I'd be really hesitant to have the new place even attempt new work until the first issue is resolved for fear that the old place would use that as an excuse for not taking ownership of their problem (aka, new place has also done work how can you prove that we - old place- really messed up and its not the new place's fault)

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I didn’t mean have the recall work done before the manager got involved, just know that was on the to-do list for later. 

Everything is supposedly resolved now. The manager saw for himself what was going on. We paid like $18 out of pocket for something at the dealership and the oil change place is footing the bill for the rest ~$600. 

I was ready to drive to the oil change place to view the footage/record it on my phone but they already took over the fees/admitted fault. 

We may leave town today depending on what time it is done. 

The photos of oil are very dark which in itself is suspicious of new oil. Fil said maybe the employee at oil change place showed Dh the wrong dipstick by mistake. 

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Oh yeah there’s at least a 2 week wait for the recall issue and it’s very unlikely to affect us. We’ll set an appointment for Dec. From this point forward we are looking into having the dealership do the oil changes. They might be the same cost! Our current oil changes for that car are very high using specific synthetic oil. Range around $85 but Dh used a coupon. It was still at least $45. He’ll ask dealer for oil change quotes. 

I forgot I scheduled dd’s eye appointment to overlap with our drive down for Christmas (latest date I could get was Dec 19) so I’m unsure if I can handle that length visit... Dec 19-Dec. 26 or so. We will have to see about the 2 car option. As it is I need to get back to our cat. I’m sure she’s fine but lonely. I can use cat as excuse in Dec lol 

We’re packing just in case but Dh still needs to do homework. 

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I think Dh was wrong about our apr or it changed. Something doesn’t add up. We spoke to the credit union about options and she said the first 12 months is 0% interest and then it goes to 11%. Dh was like cool, we can throw money at the debt the first year and got the principal. I asked her to confirm the min payment (I heard her say it earlier) so Dh could let it sink in... $515/mo. Where is that going to come from? She pushed through the application but I was ready to walk away. She said that we can decline even if we’re approved. Dh said might as well see. I asked how many days we had to decide. She said 30. Wheh he got off the phone I said so basically 30 days for me to get a job or there’s no way. 
 

Im a little foggy but I think there’s this 3% fee which made $515/mo = the total cc debt. Well then we looked at our current and there’s no way we’re paying 23% interest. Must be 1-2% because we pay less than $400/mo. Then Dh said the other option is to move the debt to a personal loan. I don’t know. 

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The minimum payment on a credit card is not necessarily related to the interest one is paying. Each credit card issuer has their own formula for calculating the required minimum payment. https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/credit-cards/credit-card-issuer-minimum-payment/

Also the interest rate you are paying should be on your credit card statement as well as the dollar amount of interest you were charged.

Susan in TX

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5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I said so basically 30 days for me to get a job or there’s no way.


Wait. What? I thought money from any job you get would be set aside to give you a safety net. Why would you offer this or even the possibility of this?

 

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1 hour ago, Lisa R. said:


Wait. What? I thought money from any job you get would be set aside to give you a safety net. Why would you offer this or even the possibility of this?

I mean contribute toward paying on the debt as we work on it as a team, but I would not cover the full $515 from my job. 

If I get a job it’s not like I can keep all the funds. It would be obvious. Do you think that would be a good plan? 

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I think there are some concerning things about this idea. There is a reason that credit card companies have these kind of balance transfer offers -- they make money off of them, because so many people do not pay them off before the higher interest kicks in. The article below says that 1/3 of people fail to pay it off during the 0% interest period and therefore ending paying MORE over time than if they had tackled the debt problem in a different way.

https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/credit-cards/bad-news-balance-transfer-customers-33-repay-balances-interestfree-period/

To make it successful, you would need to

1) Calculate not just the miminum payment but the amount that you would need to pay every month in order to get the card paid off before the 0% grace period ends, in order to avoid the giant interest rate bump. UNLESS that interest rate is lower than what is on your current card.

2) Be aware that sometimes there are tricks built in to gain more money for the CC company https://www.wisebread.com/6-hidden-dangers-of-credit-card-balance-transfers

3) Never use that credit card again until it is paid off. Not even once. Read the previous article to see why.

4) There is a HUGE danger of racking up additional debt on the other credit cards in the meantime. Because with a high payment on that 0% card, you may feel you need to charge some things in the meantime, and your balance on other cards can climb (by "you" I mean your family, and mostly your DH, since he likes to use credit).

It is entirely possible to end up with a greater load of debt after a year than you start with now. The 0% transfer game cam be played successfully, but it takes having an understanding of how to work the system successfully PLUS a lot of self control and commitment.

I worry that it could be a poor choice for you.

What if your family committed to paying the $500 on credit card debt that you already have (without transferring to a new card), plus avoid charging anything new. As a trial period. Because if you can't do it now, with the money and credit cards that you already have, you will not be able to do it when you open a new card.

After a trial of 6 months, following this kind of credit budgeting and being successful, THEN open a new card and transfer the balance. You would know that you could do it without creating additional problems. If you find you cannot do it with your current credit cards, then you WON'T be able to do it with a new credit card.

 

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I have a nice update 

Well it started out as an anxiety-inducing nightmare but is fine now. New boss man of maintenance told Dh that he’d send maintenance guys to our home at 7 am today or they wouldn’t come til next semester. Dh let me know midday yesterday when he found out. Yesterday I was only half functional as I did not feel physically great/rested. First of all the microwave died right before Thanksgiving and we got back to town Monday night so I was just doing my best to cook with what we had and what appliances were functioning. Still gotta test all my burners and I’ve taken pics of different models of the silver things that go under the coil so I can replace those old nasty things, too. Anyway so I was stressed about maintenance coming but neither kid would cooperate to clean the home and I was sick from something I ate and got a migraine. Dh kinda lost it when he got home and I had to calm down myself to explain look, I get it. I’m not comfortable with anyone coming over but I know my limits and I cannot make the house visitor-ready that fast. He got home around midnight after doing school work and didn’t do his share of chores, either. 

Fast forward. Two men showed up bright and early. I did not know these guys but I wish I dealt with them every time. They were so nice and one gave me his cell number and said call when we’re ready to have the stuff hauled off (mattress, etc.). I set aside my pride and I let him in the front of the house to fix the front door. He fixed the side door first and we didn’t have to replace the whole lock. At first they fixed the front lock with a discontinued but handy product. I persisted that I did not think the lock was flush and barely made contact. He saw what I meant and it took two of them to get to one set of screws along the door jam, buried under a piece of linoleum or something, to tighten that enough to lift the door back up higher. It was sagging on the hinges. They also got a tool to file down the hole so the lock (plunger? That’s what he called it) could go in better. Now both doors are much better. 
 

I brought up the porch light and flood lights. Normally I’d be told what is gonna happen but these guys were like would you like this old fixture or new one? Same bulb or different? I was like well you can try to repair it or get a new one. Main concern is light so I don’t come home to a dark door. I said probably another bug light but we can siesta swap that out. 
 

They checked all my outdoor lights and said they think the issue is old censors. Also a couple are getting rained on so they will add coverage over them. 

They have only been here close to two years so don’t know about my individual situation with old work orders. They are going to build a pipe that comes up and out of the yard so they never have to dig it up again. One guy said remind us if something hasn’t been addressed within a few weeks. I said we tried but were told you guys were backed up. I gave the example about the hole in the yard and the guy that gave me his cell said he’d take the blame for that. He was supposed to come back out and do something earlier. 

Anyway, I think it was a pretty positive interaction. I introduced myself. I got their names and the cell number. These guys seem less jaded than some of the employees. One lady that relays dh’s work orders apparently mislabeled some as library instead of house or vice versa. We were wondering why they didn’t make sense lol 

Thank goodness I canceled the winter party today. There was a low headcount so I canceled the other day. 

I got “stuck” with organizing The Nutcracker event and had to hound people to pay up. I collected $345 as of late last night. No other admin has been very available for various reasons. This will be my final admin responsibility. The ballet is Friday and I’m going with ds. I have a sitter for dd. Some moms told me thank you for reaching out to them to remind them we had tickets or to set it up so that felt good. Also Ds and I have never been to a ballet so we are excited. It’s a great opportunity as we got student rate $5/ticket. 

Someone explained the apr better to me but my phone is dying so I’ll keep this part short. Said I probably pay 23% divided by 12 months. 

 

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Checking in.  I’m glad maintenance people came and gave you direct number to call them (better write that in several places to not lose it LOL)! 

 

—————

I hope someone can advise you on the cc .  

If you have around 10,000 debt, you’d have to pay over $800 per month to pay it off in a year (if my division is correct), exclusive of fees and interest.  

A job for you may start as a foot in door that only covers your own transportation to and from the job etc, (or maybe better medical insurance if it has benefits, or perhaps more education is covered as I hear is true for Starbucks jobs) and doesn’t really build up extra $ until a step upward gets to a higher paying one.

But offers for balance transfers are common.  and you can seek out places with such offers going.  Don’t feel pressured by them saying you only have 30 days to commit. 

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I have never been so excited over a light lol! The porch light is fixed. Oh and we’ve been using the red light bulb for dd. The exterior stuff has been ordered but there is some approval or something these things go through so the guys told me it may be next week when they can set up all the flood light censors and/or new bulbs. 

Dh got on friendly terms with a groundskeeper and asked if he could hot the front yard. Today 3 men spent like 5 min doing a section of yard that takes me at least 45 min. Two men used leaf blowers on the pine straw and leaves. The maintenance guys were in awe that they dod our yard and asked how I pulled that off. At the time I had no idea what was going on and I said, “I don’t know if they are going to start doing it or what. I just know Dh has asked if we can just pay them to since we’re on a well-seen area of campus.” “I hope they don’t get fussed at. I went out and picked up limbs today and hung up our well-loved and faded wreath mil made us years ago. 
 

I was shown where our pipe was accessed 3x in the past years and damaged. The men lifted up the old damaged evidence. This is our new pipe access. So glad they did this. I will post pics after I free up memory on my photo limit. 

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Dh’s role in one organization was greatly linked to his job... in the sense that he was expected to keep the role. But he got his boss’ blessing to step down. He sent off his letter. 

here are the pics of the new work (porch light functioning & new pipe) 

I agree there’s no rush in the cc transfer. If min payments are too hard it’s too stressful. The 11% after the first year sounds good if current is higher, but at what price? 

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I don’t know if maintenance caused the issue but Friday the hot water stopped working. It just comes out cold. They were notified sometime on Friday but said would have to investigate Monday. 

Trying to look on the bright side, I’m making progress on the inside of the home. 
 

I would like to apply for a temp job assisting at graduation ceremonies but I have a feeling my availability will be an issue if say, Dh has to attend a graduation for his school the same day. 

There’s a couple at my church that’s like backbone of the parish. Dh is friends with one of their sons. Another son of theirs just got married and attends the parish only periodically. There’s a celebration on Saturday evening. I know Dh didn’t really want to get involved ... pressure to buy wedding gift. We don’t really know them, but know the family. I am attending and they said no gifts required but I do want to get something.
 

Dh’s Apple TV trial ended and he kept it ($7/mo). He said it’s fine and I said we should have discussed it. A few weeks ago I got him to bundle Hulu and Disney + so our Disney + trial didn’t turn into a disaster and we get both for our original rate or darn close. So him not wanting me to spend on a wedding gift... eh, I feel like I should be able. I thought he stopped doing birthday gifts at work. Then today he said he needed to get something for his secretary. I did the 5 for $5 Ulta deal so I offered Ulta products to him for her. I really like her and I wished her happy birthday on Facebook another day but did t realize he was still doing gifts. I have said before work birthdays should be celebrated with an office dessert or something. That’s what we used to do at my office job. 

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The hot water is now working but there was a leak for who knows how long and we have black mold. I don’t know how the guys can even get into this tight area if they replace the drywall... which I assume they need to do. First I was told to open the door to air it out but then we didn’t want to because we don’t want to speak the mold spores all over the house. It actually did make the house smell so I’m a bit anxious about what it’s doing to our air. I told the kids to stay away from there. The mold is on the other side not pictured, too. 

I hope it doesn’t affect any of the donations I just bagged up. Ugh. I have sheets and some things to get rid of (sheets from the old size bed). I hate to think I passed on mold. 

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3 hours ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

nm- found it! 

Did you mean the freedom program? I still need to finish it. Dh and I hitting heads with the kids falls under the “bad father” caricature. 
 

I just had a phone interview. I asked my family for 30 min to be left alone. The kids and I had bad timing with the hot cocoa stand they wanted. Today is one of the last days of finals on campus so they needed to do it today. Dh was home because he’s working extended hours tonight. I asked him to monitor the hot cocoa stand with kids while I took my phone call. I stepped out of the master bedroom to grab a pen and saw dd darting into the house. We didn’t make eye contact. I was worried she was going to start talking to me while I was on the phone. When I discussed it with Dh he just said his hands were tied because he was dealing with customers/trying to reach Ds. What? Really?? Watch the 5 yr old. Let Ds handle the stand for a few min. I was furious. This is exactly why I can’t do VIPKID/with from home stuff. I have a follow up interview in Jan in person. The job is for an assistant teacher next school year at a charter school. 

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13 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Did you mean the freedom program? I still need to finish it. Dh and I hitting heads with the kids falls under the “bad father” caricature. 
 

 

It was the Retrouvaille program I was thinking of...... Is the Freedom another marriage one, or is it the Financial Freedom one? This is for a friend with kids grown and gone, no financial issues, but very unhappy marriage so trying to give her a few suggestions. 

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7 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

It was the Retrouvaille program I was thinking of...... Is the Freedom another marriage one, or is it the Financial Freedom one? This is for a friend with kids grown and gone, no financial issues, but very unhappy marriage so trying to give her a few suggestions. 

Ohh. Well Retrouvaille is a weekend you attend. There are some follow up long-distance Skype sessions for those that can’t attend in person but I only attended once or twice because Dh wasn’t even home. 

My aunt said we could have tried Marriage Encounter. My dad thought that was intended for “good” marriages but my aunt said really anyone. She used to be a speaker. I had no idea. 
 

The Freedom thing is for individuals. It describes different types of abuse and behaviors.  
 

The DV coalition send me mail again! My dad gave it to me. They summarized our phone call and my options. The second letter was asking for an evaluation or something. Ugh. I appreciate the info but not them mailing stuff I wasn’t expecting. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Just now, heartlikealion said:

Ohh. Well Retrouvaille is a weekend you attend. There are some follow up long- distance Skype sessions for those that can’t attend in person but I only attended once or twice because Dh wasn’t even home. 

My aunt said we could have tried Marrushe Encounter. My dad thought that was intended for “good” marriages but my aunt said really anyone. She used to be a speaker. I had no idea. 

I saw that Retrouvaille has a weekend in Houston in February when I sent it to her, but I am looking for stuff to send her sooner as well, as honestly I don't know if they'll make it until February with how she's conveying things right now. 😞

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1 minute ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I saw that Retrouvaille has a weekend in Houston in February when I sent it to her, but I am looking for stuff to send her sooner as well, as honestly I don't know if they'll make it until February with how she's conveying things right now. 😞

We had mixed feelings in our session. All the couples volunteering their journey dealt with infidelity but there wasn’t much about finances or other things. They said you really need to go to therapy and do the Retrouvaille homework. We won’t see our therapist again til Jan. and we haven’t made time for another date night yet. 

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I really don’t agree that’s how it works even though it should. I bet it’s safe to say moms usually do the child care set ups regardless of holding a job. Now if I got a job with a conflict Dh would expect me to not work or to set up the childcare. I did not apply because I was worried about the stress of child care and the rejection like the Santa gig. They said my availability was not good enough. 
 

I have been busting my butt on the house this week. Dh asked if I wanted to go on a date. Said he found a sitter. I asked if he’d help with the house. It’s still not company ready. He said, “I always help” and I said I don’t feel that way nor do I find that reassuring. Also I don’t know if I’d be exposing a sitter to black mold. 

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I hope you said yes to the date.  He’s making an effort to follow on the marriage counseling suggestion.  If you reject his effort, no matter what you think of his priorities, he may be less inclined next time to make the effort.  And cleaning the house is not a date.  Go out. Communication is so much better away from the house and all the stuff anyway.

 

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30 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

So he can find a sitter to go out, but not to let you take work ? 

His priorities are whack.

That’s how it feels. On Friday when I was rushing to the Nutcracker Dh said he could take dd to the sitter for me when I asked out of desperation. He told me to drive the better car and I said the other one needs gas. He said well I’m not taking her to the sitter if I have to get gas. I’m already running late to work. I said and I’m running late to the nutcracker event... fine, I’ll get gas. Just take her because that’s even more out of my way than the gas station. Stuff like that makes me feel like I am 2 seconds from getting nothing. We were late but not miss the show late. No parking left on their lot and my cash was in my other purse so I had no way to pay for the parking garage. I ended up finding free parking in walking distance. It was so stressful. It was raining. 

2 minutes ago, matrips said:

I hope you said yes to the date.  He’s making an effort to follow on the marriage counseling suggestion.  If you reject his effort, no matter what you think of his priorities, he may be less inclined next time to make the effort.  And cleaning the house is not a date.  Go out. Communication is so much better away from the house and all the stuff anyway.

 

I meant clean up so I’m not mortified when some college girl shows up to babysit. I assume he asked some college kid. 

We went as a family to see Frozen 2 last night. Dd has birthday money and I was going to just pay for ds and I. It was discount night. But Dh wanted to go so we waited for him. Then on the way he said he didn’t think we could really afford it... then went through the drive through on the way home. It’s mixed messages all day long. But now we have money for a sitter and date??? 

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11 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

That’s how it feels. On Friday when I was rushing to the Nutcracker Dh said he could take dd to the sitter for me when I asked out of desperation. He told me to drive the better car and I said the other one needs gas. He said well I’m not taking her to the sitter if I have to get gas. I’m already running late to work. I said and I’m running late to the nutcracker event... fine, I’ll get gas. Just take her because that’s even more out of my way than the gas station. Stuff like that makes me feel like I am 2 seconds from getting nothing. We were late but not miss the show late. No parking left on their lot and my cash was in my other purse so I had no way to pay for the parking garage. I ended up finding free parking in walking distance. It was so stressful. It was raining. 

I meant clean up so I’m not mortified when some college girl shows up to babysit. I assume he asked some college kid. 

We went as a family to see Frozen 2 last night. Dd has birthday money and I was going to just pay for ds and I. It was discount night. But Dh wanted to go so we waited for him. Then on the way he said he didn’t think we could really afford it... then went through the drive through on the way home. It’s mixed messages all day long. But now we have money for a sitter and date??? 

lol!  I thought you were suggesting cleaning instead of a date 😂.  Eh, I wouldn’t worry what a sitter thinks. There’s a difference between messy and gross. People can handle messy.  Don’t let cleaning take the joy out of a date.  Maybe set a timer twice a day for 5-10minutes and do a quick run through of cl

I wonder if he actually has a paper budget to go by.  He may want to do things and say yes to please people, but then gets worried that he really doesn’t have the money or that’s there too much debt, and then back out.  And then feel bad so he tries to make up for it. He may be overwhelmed or stressed too.

if he has time off over the holiday, maybe the two of you can sit down and hash out a budget together and at least discuss money issues/priorities.  See what your income is and what your regular bills are- gas, utilities, household supplies, insurance...look at your CC and bills to make sure you find them all.

I do our budget; my dh has zero interest in money limitations 😂.  But he’s good about it.  But that took years.  He originally was resentful/peeved that he was working hard and couldn’t spend money on what he wanted.  He didn’t really see the big picture, and he didn’t want to pour over bills and accounts.  So it’s been a work in progress over our marriage. I have multiple accounts set up that money goes into each month for future spending needs- car repair/new car, new roof, vacation, birthday/Christmas presents, etc.  Then I have an account to pull out of instead of trying to pay for it with the current paycheck or sticking it on a cc. He also has to do gifts at work which I find annoying, but I’ve added that to the budget and put away money each month for those retirements, holidays etc. I’m less annoyed knowing it’s budgeted for.  I don’t like surprise expenses.  

 

 

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Everything that you have been saying about your dh points to narcissism. He has the money for HIS priorities not yours. He is going to do whatever he needs to do to make himself look good. And he is going to care more about impressing other people than about what you think.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201403/how-handle-crazymaker

Susan in TX

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14 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

That’s how it feels. On Friday when I was rushing to the Nutcracker Dh said he could take dd to the sitter for me when I asked out of desperation. He told me to drive the better car and I said the other one needs gas. He said well I’m not taking her to the sitter if I have to get gas. I’m already running late to work. I said and I’m running late to the nutcracker event... fine, I’ll get gas. Just take her because that’s even more out of my way than the gas station. Stuff like that makes me feel like I am 2 seconds from getting nothing. We were late but not miss the show late. No parking left on their lot and my cash was in my other purse so I had no way to pay for the parking garage. I ended up finding free parking in walking distance. It was so stressful. It was raining. 

I meant clean up so I’m not mortified when some college girl shows up to babysit. I assume he asked some college kid. 

We went as a family to see Frozen 2 last night. Dd has birthday money and I was going to just pay for ds and I. It was discount night. But Dh wanted to go so we waited for him. Then on the way he said he didn’t think we could really afford it... then went through the drive through on the way home. It’s mixed messages all day long. But now we have money for a sitter and date??? 

Did you actually go on and see the movie?

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