Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

Recommended Posts

On 11/2/2019 at 12:24 AM, happysmileylady said:

I really truly hope that things improve for you heart, I really do.  

But I am going to say this bit doesn't give me warm fuzzies at all.  To me it indicates and generalized opinion he has of you and your "position" in relation to his, and I am not getting equality from that line.  

 

I couldn't respond at all to all the cheerleading over the weekend, because it's like a bad movie where I've seen how it goes from here, so I'm glad at least someone else doesn't get the warm fuzzies.

Heart, fwiw, I would not go to marriage counselling with him until he has gone to individual therapy and done some (extensive) work on himself, and until he has done the positive parenting course. YMMV. When he is treating you with (emotional, physical, financial) respect, and has stopped hitting the 11 year old, then I would agree to marriage counselling, with someone I chose, and who is known to be able to resist being 'snowed' by blokes who can turn on the temporary charm.

Sorry to be a buzzkill.

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry, I should have said the reason I wouldn't go - because it will drag you down into the minutie of 'but she also' and 'well, from my pov' and use up all your energy on relationship, instead of you using your energy on positioning yourself to have more power (aka more options) in the relationship as a starting point.

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I came to say the same thing as StellaM.   I wouldn't start marriage counseling just yet.  Counseling for him.  Counseling for you.  Don't start marriage counseling until he's shown some sustained progress.  Marriage counseling is not the starting point when there are elements of the DV cycle in play.  

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My email stopped sending me alerts but it says I’m following this thread. weird. 

Yes, I took into account the concern of marriage counseling with his personality but I’m going to test the waters. I don’t have completely warm and fuzzy feelings. I’m just giving us a chance. The credentials of this particular counselor sound better than choices I’ve found before. She does premarital counseling, too. What we probably needed. 
 

Frankly I don’t know what individual counseling would do for him unless someone guides him about what topics to address. I think being in the room together we can share with a mediator what we see as obstacles and how they may be addressed. Alone, we might both be a little lost. My individual counseling has never been all that helpful. I know years ago I was too embarrassed to talk about my OCD. The counselor never asked if I had it. I remember conversations like, “I’m not comfortable having kids come over to use the slip n slide and track water through the house” to which she said, “put down towels or a shower curtain” but really I was probably too embarrassed to say, “I don’t have the desire or money to spend on extra liners etc.” Looking back I can’t even remember what party/scenario this was lol I just remember us talking about shower liners. I wasted so many sessions because I didn’t address root problems. I don’t know if the same would happen with Dh. He may not see himself as “owning” a problem. I’m not sure. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe he can overlap marital and individual counseling but I don’t want to cancel this appt. It also gives us the rare chance to be alone in a car to talk. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, StellaM said:

Sorry, I should have said the reason I wouldn't go - because it will drag you down into the minutie of 'but she also' and 'well, from my pov' and use up all your energy on relationship, instead of you using your energy on positioning yourself to have more power (aka more options) in the relationship as a starting point.

 

The counselor dh and I have been going to for the past few years does not let sessions get bogged down this way. A counselor who can help build true relationship skills will hopefully also be one who can see some of the fundamental issues and focus energy where it needs to be. 

Really good counselors are rare but they do exist. Ours has been a real lifeline for me.

Just knowing "I can bring this up in the next counseling session" has helped me avoid many pointless confrontations, the kind that really are a waste of energy and just leave everyone with extra hurts.

Edited by maize
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My email stopped sending me alerts but it says I’m following this thread. weird. 

Yes, I took into account the concern of marriage counseling with his personality but I’m going to test the waters. I don’t have completely warm and fuzzy feelings. I’m just giving us a chance. The credentials of this particular counselor sound better than choices I’ve found before. She does premarital counseling, too. What we probably needed. 
 

Frankly I don’t know what individual counseling would do for him unless someone guides him about what topics to address. I think being in the room together we can share with a mediator what we see as obstacles and how they may be addressed. Alone, we might both be a little lost. My individual counseling has never been all that helpful. I know years ago I was too embarrassed to talk about my OCD. The counselor never asked if I had it. I remember conversations like, “I’m not comfortable having kids come over to use the slip n slide and track water through the house” to which she said, “put down towels or a shower curtain” but really I was probably too embarrassed to say, “I don’t have the desire or money to spend on extra liners etc.” Looking back I can’t even remember what party/scenario this was lol I just remember us talking about shower liners. I wasted so many sessions because I didn’t address root problems. I don’t know if the same would happen with Dh. He may not see himself as “owning” a problem. I’m not sure. 

 

Nah, that just sounds like you've had some really rubbish counselling. They wasted your time and money, in other words. 

I hope this person is better by a million, and also has expertise in issues around emotional, verbal and financial abuse. 

 Personally, I think counselling, marriage or otherwise, is only worth it with someone very skilled, which usually (not always) means paying a lot. And always means shopping around, unless you are very lucky to find the right professional first try. 

The second bolded is kind of the problem. I hope marriage counselling helps him to see and accept that he does have several problems in terms of how he chooses to relate to his wife and children. Have you talked to the counsellor and sussed out her attitude and experience to men with problematic behaviours ?

 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
41 minutes ago, maize said:

 

 

The counselor dh and I have been going to for the past few years does not let sessions get bogged down this way. A counselor who can help build true relationship skills will hopefully also be one who can see some of the fundamental issues and focus energy where it needs to be. 

Really good counselors are rare but they do exist. Ours has been a real lifeline for me.

Just knowing "I can bring this up in the next counseling session" has helped me avoid many pointless confrontations, the kind that really are a waste of energy and just leave everyone with extra hurts.

 

I'm glad you found one of the rare good ones, and that it's helpful for you, individually, as well as for your marriage.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven’t talked to the counselor at all. I filled out paperwork online. I think one of the other counselors there is the guy we saw in the past. He was an LPC but she’s listed as MAMFT and LPC. She worked a year at a marriage and family therapy center. Overall, her profile is much more in line with what we are looking for. 
 

I remember his rate was $150 normally but he charged us $100 as a discount because we were paying out of pocket. I don’t know her rate yet.

I think it’s discouraged to talk one on one with a shared counselor so no, I haven’t gone out of my way to influence her or ask questions. 
 

You could say I had a lot of “rubbish” counselors. I saw three repeatedly not counting my psychiatrist. One was after a hurricane so I had nothing and she saw me free. It was obvious to me I was kind of just sucking her time. I felt the same with the most recent one, too. She acted so inconvenienced that I wanted an appt before 10 am (the office opened at 8 but apparently she didn’t normally go into with til 10). I’m just sick of seeing people that are probably just tolerating me. 

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I haven’t talked to the counselor at all. I filled out paperwork online. I think one of the other counselors there is the guy we saw in the past. He was an LPC but she’s listed as MAMFT and LPC. She worked a year at a marriage and family therapy center. Overall, her profile is much more in line with what we are looking for. 
 

I remember his rate was $150 normally but he charged us $100 as a discount because we were paying out of pocket. I don’t know her rate yet.

I think it’s discouraged to talk one on one with a shared counselor so no, I haven’t gone out of my way to influence her or ask questions. 
 

You could say I had a lot of “rubbish” counselors. I saw three repeatedly not counting my psychiatrist. One was after a hurricane so I had nothing and she saw me free. It was obvious to me I was kind of just sucking her time. I felt the same with the most recent one, too. She acted so inconvenienced that I wanted an appt before 10 am (the office opened at 8 but apparently she didn’t normally go into with til 10). I’m just sick of seeing people that are probably just tolerating me. 

It may be true that therapists don't usually want to do both couples counseling and private counseling with the same clients, but if you can find a way to have a private session or at least write a letter for the counselor I think it could be helpful. I don't think I ever had a private session scheduled but there have been a couple of times when we had a joint session scheduled and dh couldn't or wouldn't make it and I got the therapist to myself--having a chance to be completely open about my perceptions and experience without worrying about how dh would react to anything I said was very helpful. One of our very first sessions ended up being only me and I think that helped a lot with how quickly the therapist caught on to the very lopsided nature of the challenges in our marriage. I'm not a perfect wife by any means but this particular therapist has been very good at seeing through dh's skewed perceptions and presentation of reality.

There have been a few times when dh has gone alone as well, or when I had to show up late so he was alone for part of the session.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And yes unfortunately there are more bad or mediocre therapists than really good ones out there.

Edited by maize

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My marriage therapist (first marriage) often saw one or the other of us on our own, as well as our couples appointments. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're allowed to ask the therapist questions before you go and see her. 

That's not 'influencing' her, that's finding out if she is going to be a good fit for you (of course, you won't know this for sure till you've seen her a few times, but you can do an initial 'screen'. I'm surprised, honestly, that she hasn't called you to get a bit of an idea what's going on before your first session.)

Anyway. I hope it all works out better than I anticipate. I'm sure I'm at the gloomy end of the spectrum.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, forgot to say - if a therapist makes it clear that they are truly just tolerating you, they are not behaving professionally. If, for some reason, they are unable to treat you, they should explain that, and also find you someone else to see.

It's also possible that this feeling of 'only just being tolerated' is projection - in other words, these are feelings that belong elsewhere, but it's safer to project them onto the therapist. Again, a good therapist will recognize this, and explore these feelings with you. If you feel you are 'just being tolerated' by this marriage counsellor, communicate that to her. She might just be a bad therapist, but, she might be half decent and able to help you work through your feelings of barely being tolerable.

Edited by StellaM
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I think we booked the appointment on Friday? I left a voicemail the day before but then tried their text format and got a response. The person on the other end I think was a receptionist. She sent me paperwork that did ask some open-ended questions but it seemed geared toward one person, not both. They might make Dh do paperwork later. Like it asked what brings you here, what do you hope to gain, have you seen a mental health professional before. 

When Dh and I went in the past we were given papers in person, not online. I hate paperwork. I’m always slow. So I’m glad I got that out of the way. It’s possible she will call me early this week to follow up. I am not sure. I might call myself. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/1/2019 at 12:29 PM, maize said:

 

I don't usually get much out of advice from very organized people because most of them are naturally organized, have good executive function and organized brains. They don't know what will work for someone with poor executive function.

Advice from someone who is naturally very disorganized but has come up with a workable system is more helpful. Massive decluttering seems to be a key but not enough on its own.

Well, I can tell you that I have ADD (unmedicated by choice; meds helped but I hated the side effects), and am a born slob who could easily spend every day split between watching TV and reading. And I married and bred natural slobs. But I’ve overcome that enough to keep things manageable.  It hasn’t been easy, but it’s so worth it!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You live on a college campus, right?  Can't you just take the junk, one item at a time, to the dumpsters in whatever dorm or apartment complex is closest to you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

Well, I can tell you that I have ADD (unmedicated by choice; meds helped but I hated the side effects), and am a born slob who could easily spend every day split between watching TV and reading. And I married and bred natural slobs. But I’ve overcome that enough to keep things manageable.  It hasn’t been easy, but it’s so worth it!

See, you are the kind of person I might be able to learn from!

Care to share any tips?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Katy said:

You live on a college campus, right?  Can't you just take the junk, one item at a time, to the dumpsters in whatever dorm or apartment complex is closest to you?

I am not sure there are dorms, it is a community college.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, maize said:

I am not sure there are dorms, it is a community college.

 

Surely a community college that has housing for staff has housing for students, of some kind or another.

I'm sure there is a practical limit to the amount of bulky stuff that can be gotten rid of per week,  but it would be free and easy enough to haul to a dumpster.  You could probably do ALL of it at the end of semester when people are moving out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, maize said:

I am not sure there are dorms, it is a community college.

 

I just googled and the first 3 out of 18 community colleges in the state had residence halls.  I didn't look past the first 3.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There’s a mix here. Some community colleges have dorms and some do not. Ours has dorms but they kick students out every Thursday unless they are an athlete or out of area student. The rest go to their parents’ (or ??) each weekend. They don’t have classes here on Fridays but the library is still open. 

I have never seen a huge dumpster, like one I’d feel comfortable dragging a box spring to. I think I’ve only seen what you might find behind a business. We have a full size box spring & a queen size futon. 
 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, maize said:

See, you are the kind of person I might be able to learn from!

Care to share any tips?

Best ones off the top of my head:

Like any other big change, you have to want it more than the alternative. You have to have the buy-in. You have to quit hoping for a magic wand.

Decluttering isn’t a single event, it’s a mindset to develop. And it can take time for that to happen.

Routines are so important with EF issues.  I now get more done while my coffee brews than I used to get done in the first few hours of a day.  My night routine isn’t quite as impressive, but I’m working on it. “Chaining” things really works.  Fill coffee pot, clean litter box, start a load of laundry, unload dishwasher, feed pets, and all of a sudden it’s time to relax with a cup of coffee! (Instead of staring at the coffee pot, trying to will it to move faster, and then knowing those other things will be hanging over your head for who knows how long.)

Combine like things.  I clean out the fridge on Mondays because it’s garbage day, so any icky foods get taken away right away instead of sitting in the trash.  The shelves get washed because that’s the day there’ll be the fewest things in there. And then I do my weekly shopping to replenish. Come the following Monday, we’re back down to minimal items and ditching any yucky stuff in time for garbage pick up!  Doing those 3 things on 3 different days would make each 1 thing more complicated and/or less effective.

For me, writing everything down is absolutely necessary.  If I can’t get to a pen, I talk to Siri or Alexa. Things to buy, things to do, times to leave, where I hid the Halloween candy...  I like specific checklists, but general brain dumps are even more important for me so I can MAKE a checklist when appropriate.

Not finishing a checklist isn’t failure. I overload mine so I have options, lol.

Putting things on a checklist that you’ve already done just so you can check it off is good!

I could go on, but I really just keep building up off of those things. You can’t underestimate baby steps.
 

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

There’s a mix here. Some community colleges have dorms and some do not. Ours has dorms but they kick students out every Thursday unless they are an athlete or out of area student. The rest go to their parents’ (or ??) each weekend. They don’t have classes here on Fridays but the library is still open. 

I have never seen a huge dumpster, like one I’d feel comfortable dragging a box spring to. I think I’ve only seen what you might find behind a business. We have a full size box spring & a queen size futon. 
 

 

I have broken mattresses and box springs apart so I could get rid of them without a truck.

Do you have scissors and a saw?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Best ones off the top of my head:

Like any other big change, you have to want it more than the alternative. You have to have the buy-in. You have to quit hoping for a magic wand.

Decluttering isn’t a single event, it’s a mindset to develop. And it can take time for that to happen.

Routines are so important with EF issues.  I now get more done while my coffee brews than I used to get done in the first few hours of a day.  My night routine isn’t quite as impressive, but I’m working on it. “Chaining” things really works.  Fill coffee pot, clean litter box, start a load of laundry, unload dishwasher, feed pets, and all of a sudden it’s time to relax with a cup of coffee! (Instead of staring at the coffee pot, trying to will it to move faster, and then knowing those other things will be hanging over your head for who knows how long.)

Combine like things.  I clean out the fridge on Mondays because it’s garbage day, so any icky foods get taken away right away instead of sitting in the trash.  The shelves get washed because that’s the day there’ll be the fewest things in there. And then I do my weekly shopping to replenish. Come the following Monday, we’re back down to minimal items and ditching any yucky stuff in time for garbage pick up!  Doing those 3 things on 3 different days would make each 1 thing more complicated and/or less effective.

For me, writing everything down is absolutely necessary.  If I can’t get to a pen, I talk to Siri or Alexa. Things to buy, things to do, times to leave, where I hid the Halloween candy...  I like specific checklists, but general brain dumps are even more important for me so I can MAKE a checklist when appropriate.

Not finishing a checklist isn’t failure. I overload mine so I have options, lol.

Putting things on a checklist that you’ve already done just so you can check it off is good!

I could go on, but I really just keep building up off of those things. You can’t underestimate baby steps.
 

Thank you!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Speaking of saws just reminded me of how annoyed I was when a contractor working at our house once asked me "does your husband have a saw?"

My husband, who was not even home at the time, does not have a saw. We have a saw, one that I purchased and use. Dh is not a handyman sort and I was irritated that someone would assume tools would be the man's domain.

End random rant.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 4
  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dh said only maintenance has access to the school dump (didn’t know we had one). I was like oh here we go again. Don’t bother with maintenance. He said there’s no where else on campus we could take the stuff and the other dump we were talking about is another town over. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh said only maintenance has access to the school dump (didn’t know we had one). I was like oh here we go again. Don’t bother with maintenance. He said there’s no where else on campus we could take the stuff and the other dump we were talking about is another town over. 

Have you tried posting the items for free on local sales/swap groups? Unless the bed is broken beyond repair. There are usually people who come get free stuff, even if it's not in great shape. (Last year, I gave away a 27 year old sofa bed , and there were plenty of people interested)

Edited by regentrude
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Seconding the advice to check with your trash hauler, if it’s separate from campus services. If it’s not, then check with campus services. Ours allows one bulky item per week, but we have to call in advance to let them know it will be there. Half the time the dumpster divers grab it before the trash truck does. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm jealous of you guys who get bulk trash pick-up! 

Our city has two weeks a year when they have big dumpsters brought to the public parks and you can take bulky items there--if others don't fill the dumpster before you. Bulky item pick-up isn't a thing here.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, maize said:

I'm jealous of you guys who get bulk trash pick-up! 

Our city has two weeks a year when they have big dumpsters brought to the public parks and you can take bulky items there--if others don't fill the dumpster before you. Bulky item pick-up isn't a thing here.

It is very convenient. We do have people come through the neighborhood on trash day in trucks taking large items they deem usable. So, half the time it doesn’t even end up in the landfill.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No, this isn’t in the condition to rehome. We did get someone to take the broken futon frame that thought they could fix it up or use in the bed position. It was wooden and cracked. The queen size mattress has springs sticking out. 
 

I’ll try to find out more today when I pay the water/sewer/trash bill. I tried to pay last week and do you know the mayor & another guy were holding down the fort for my friend since she left early and he refused to take my money because I was “just one customer” and he didn’t want to boot up the computer. Pssh. This town is a joke. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He might not know how to do payments or the computer program.  Our current mayor doesn’t.  Also, the person could have a very particular process that he doesn’t want to mess up.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

No, this isn’t in the condition to rehome. We did get someone to take the broken futon frame that thought they could fix it up or use in the bed position. It was wooden and cracked. The queen size mattress has springs sticking out. 
 

I’ll try to find out more today when I pay the water/sewer/trash bill. I tried to pay last week and do you know the mayor & another guy were holding down the fort for my friend since she left early and he refused to take my money because I was “just one customer” and he didn’t want to boot up the computer. Pssh. This town is a joke. 

You maybe be able to disassemble the spring mattress. I've done a couple of old mattresses, just cut the cloth cover and remove the springs. I don't remember it being easy but it did make it possible to dispose of without a truck. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In your case I wouldn't worry about recycling unless it is convenient, I'd break down the mattresses and put the parts in the trash. Might take a couple of trash days to fit it all.
 

OR hire someone to take it to the dump for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just thinking out loud here-  most colleges and the rare community college that offer housing for staff have time limit on how long you can stay in it.  Could this be the reason your DH doesn’t want to bother maintenance much?

For the stuff-  call a junk removal company and set up a day for them to come.  Use that time before they come to really tackle the crap. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Many neighbors have lived here longer than us, but if Dh is concerned it’s because we don’t have a real lease. We also think very differently from many people here. I know he got into an awkward conversation at lunch recently about local schools/education and funding. Many people we know talk badly about the public schools and won’t touch them with a ten foot pole. I think Dh was talking about the disparity in funding for our low-income area. What do others we know do? Send their kids to private schools. I’m done sinking into debt. I won’t entertain the idea.  But I digress. 

During that recent heart to heart he said he was bending over backwards to make sure he stayed employed because he knows how awful it was when he was unemployed and I didn’t make nice comments (this is when he talked me into quitting my job to move for his unpaid practicum. Rent went up and I scrambled for a job while he job hunted. At that point I was forced to apply for SNAP and CHIP. I’ve always been the one to meet with case workers). But he also said a few days ago he may let the coffee service die because the other librarian is in charge of stocking creamer, sugar, etc and doesn’t keep up. She sends in receipts for reimbursement I think but most things are not a priority to her. He has to pull a lot of extra weight and basically nag others to get them to do their job. It was so hard to get a qualified person he can’t just fire people left and right. They’ve already had to let a couple go since he began. 

There’s no guarantee his EdD will be worth it... but he’s convinced of greener pastures. It could be years before a Dean of Libraries position opens. But he did say he’s willing to move out of state for a job. 
 

we don’t have a saw to cut up furniture. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hesitate to post this, but your last post reminded me of something.

And just so you know, I'm not making excuses or blaming you for his bad behavior

My dh is also in a position with workers under him. He's had workers he really had to stay on to keep them working. 

And when he'd get home and see things that I hadn't got to, he was already frazzled and ready to snap. Again, I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS POOR BEHAVIOR AND SORRY ATTITUDE WHEN HE'S FRUSTRATED.

Your dh totally needs to learn to handle his frustrations with you in a mature way, But when you said that he has to nag co-workers, that may be one reason in his mind that he freaks out on you. He's exhausted his coping mechanisms at work and he comes home to find chaos and he just loses it.

What he forgets is that you are NOT sitting on the sofa eating bon bons. You're working very hard, but it may not LOOK that way when he gets home. (I'm a mom. I get it. We work all day long putting out fires, but it may not look that way when my dh gets home. My house is the exact same way.)

So when my dh is stressed at work, I generally ask him in the morning. "What ONE THING can I get done today that would make you feel good." Could be laundry, could be grass cutting or whatever. But I will bust my tail to get that ONE thing done for him that day.  While I can get busy doing the things that I deem important and that really bug me, it means a lot to him that I will make ONE THING a priority for him during the day. I don't want a list of 467 things. I know of the 467 things and 467 things aren't happening. But one thing? I can manage that.

 

Any way that's one thing that works pretty well at my house. 

  • Like 10
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Heart, how do you want to solve the mattresses/junk furniture problem?

Do you want to borrow or buy a couple of tools and disassemble it?

Do you want to pay someone to remove it?

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, ladies. I actually watched an episode on feminism last night (tv show Black-ish) and I can see how that sexist comment on the saw happened or how if I was on the receiving end I could have reacted more than one way. One of my goals is to get more comfortable with tools. The item, not people (har har). 

The carport is semi-enclosed so at the moment the biggest concern I have is what is inside my home. I could not physically remove the recliner. I tried. Dh couldn’t dismantle it last time he tried, either. But maybe we could make that a goal this week. I clear it off again (not gonna lie, it turned into a laundry dump pile. Clean clothes) and see if we can get it out. 

A huge thing happened last night. Dd slept in her bed and dh and I slept in ours. I fell asleep by dd in the kids’ room and then relocated. It was a big deal to her that I slid her bed closer to Ds’ bed. She just hates sleeping alone. We have been talking about making the office a room for ds as ds really needs space from dd but that’s not happening overnight. And Dh would be loud gaming (with talking headset) in the dining room if he moved his PC there. But baby steps... getting dd to stay in her bed is a focus. I woke up late last night and suggested Dh and I watch our show The Walking Dead in bed. I told him I don’t mind watching a show in bed as long as we turn off the tv after. He couldn’t sleep at first because he drank an energy drink at 10 pm to finish his homework. Then I suggested we watch the show. He’s stressed. I’m trying to be considerate of that. I think we’re both working hard to be kinder. After he fell asleep I job hunted in bed lol I found a temp job posting doing Santa portraits but he’s unsure if that would be a scheduling issue with childcare, his school etc. I might apply and see what they say. It’s $12-15/hr and said can work around your other job if you have a FT job. I was leaning toward being available on Saturdays. The ESL tutor job has been filled. Woman said she’d keep my info on file for future openings. 

Yes, picking one thing sounds good. I know we have done that before but not in such a formal way. Like once he wanted the yard done so I made it a point to do it before he got home. The kids cleaned the living room last night and Dh was happy. I cleaned the bathroom this weekend and replaced the shower liner but the new tub mat is in the mail. The old one is a goner. I did some meal prep last night and used up the old bananas by making cookies, muffins and bread and today oatmeal with the remaining banana. After that I won’t bake for a while to cut down on dirty dishes. 
 

I’ll get more info to sort out the furniture outside thing but I don’t want to pay for hauling it off before I spend money on more pressing things like ds’ bed/frame. That’s why I wanted to find a cheap solution. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said:

He might not know how to do payments or the computer program.  Our current mayor doesn’t.  Also, the person could have a very particular process that he doesn’t want to mess up.  

I thought he had taken it for me another time. He’s in there a lot. Why not close early if you won’t take payments? I don’t know. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dh talked to his mom. I didn’t want him to because he normalizes going to his parents for money and I’m trying to avoid that. But, he asked her to spot us money to make sure we can afford the bed and he’ll pay her back at the end of the month. He said I could use up his Amazon gift card. So, approx. a $50 GC went toward the bed frame. I also bought a dust mite bed cover. I shopped through Rakuten (previously known as ebates) which has 5% back in home & furniture right now. If the total had been higher Dh suggested using the Amazon credit card for financing (we used it like once). 

I bought the mattress from Sam’s Club through the swagbucks page. Dh’s SB account is offering him $5 back from Sam’s club in addition to 3% back. Free shipping on everything. 

A couple of months ago I bought a set of dorm sheets. If he likes them I’ll buy another set of the same brand. But, I heard they may not be that breathable so we’ll see. 

We’ll just use blankets rather than a comforter. He kicks everything off half the time.


I’m so glad to check this off my list. 

As for the name drawing idea... there was a compromise. Sil & bil won’t exchange gifts with Dh and me. We will just shop for our kids. Mil and Fil still want to exchange but told us no more than $25 for each of them. I will still get something for the other 2 adults there on Christmas but we never do real big gifts with them. I have some affordable ideas. I already shopped cheap deals (clothing) but apparently niece & nephew have made elaborate wish lists. We never got specific lists before (Usually something vague like LEGO or art). You can no longer search by name or email so I will have to get a direct link. 

Depending on what they have asked for I may be able to get something from their list. 

I talked to the Santa people. They may or may not accept my availability. I emailed a specific list after talking to the guy in charge and looking over the calendar with Dh. Dh was such a downer. I told him to hush. He said after gas & taxes I’ll bring home like $27/shift. He was just so negative saying I’ll be miserable. I told him to knock it off. The pay is $12/hr and shifts are usually 5 hrs.

I have another cover letter ready to go but decided not to send in at 2:00 am as I think they see a time stamp. It’s listed as “internship” but described as a job for someone they can train and keep around. Pay is decent. You will learn to use their engraver. Dh has one at work so I’m semi familiar with them. We made coasters to show my homeschool group when they visited the Maker Space. He’ll probably make an engraved cutting board or something for Christmas for his parents. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The sitter just texted me that she can’t watch dd tomorrow because she has bursitis. 😞 

Have you given any more thought to putting paid work on the back  burner until dd goes to school next fall?  You could probably save your family a significant amount of money by focusing on managing your grocery bill and getting your house in order.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Have you given any more thought to putting paid work on the back  burner until dd goes to school next fall?  You could probably save your family a significant amount of money by focusing on managing your grocery bill and getting your house in order.  

Yeah I’m wishy washy on it. I feel like I try hard on the groceries but still don’t do well there. We are still using up groceries from the deep freeze though from last month at least. I made soup and a huge salad and nachos this week (Tortilla chips, leftover velveeta, black beans, shredded chicken, yellow rice). Made sliders one night. Not all healthy but meal stretchers. I did Walmart grocery pick up recently which helped me see ounces/prices easier. I earned back like $24 recently between the 2 ibotta accounts. The ibotta pay was mainly spent on buying WM gift cards which I then turned around and redeemed on groceries.  If you got X number of offers you got a $10 bonus. Then we met the weekend warrior bonus as well. 

We are working on the house. School is really lacking but home is getting better. I rearranged furniture in the kids’ room (moved bed & dresser & toy bin). I need them to get rid of more toys. 

I told Ds we may stop at B&N to flip through their language arts workbooks. The one here from Sam’s club is too easy and he needs more independent ELA options. 

Edited by heartlikealion
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is he at least reading 30 minutes a day? Doing some kind of math? Khan academy is free and online - no reason he can't do that at least. And he's smart so could accelerate easily. And then have him watch Crash Course Kids for science or eyewitness science documentaries or something, and do the free stack the states or stack the continents website/app for geography. All of that would be independent, and then at some point watch some documentaries like Planet Earth, or Blue Planet, or Rick Steves travel documentaries for social studies, etc. Plus the Who Is series if you have Netflix is great for history. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I told Ds we may stop at B&N to flip through their language arts workbooks. The one here from Sam’s club is too easy and he needs more independent ELA options. 


What work are you doing with your ds each day?  Not him alone, but what subjects do you do together?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...