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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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I don’t know if I should even update. So read ahead if you’d like. 
 

today was bad. I was aggressively criticized... how I spent my time today, the state of the house, not feeding the children when Dh asked me to boil noodles the first time (I did later).... even though he wasn’t doing anything and I was rushing to complete Halloween costumes. He said he didn’t feel great. But that’s like all the time so I guess I get numb to it. 
 

I told him I would not talk about the costumes anymore but he didn’t know how to leave me alone.  In the car I started to give the silent treatment and he called me childish. He threatened to turn the car around and asked Ds if he really wanted to go to this pumpkin trail place (it was known dd and I wanted to go. Ds was wishy washy). Finally I said do not punish them because of me. He said he needed me to talk and I said you knew I wanted to go. You did not have to threaten to turn around. He said he just needed me to speak. I said he needs more tools in his toolbox and it’s not weird for me to want space from someone after an argument and he can give me that. 
 

ugh

he also said I will not tow *his* car... he referred to both as his. Then said his name is on both titles. Lording it over me. I said you need to put the title in my name. He said after I clean the car (typical strings attached stuff he does). 
 

In my sewing thread I posted my rush job costumes. He said it looked like Ds was “shitting a big dump.” I told him that was so rude and uncalled for. He kept justifying his comments. I told him repeatedly he may think what he wants but was not to share nasty comments. He finally sorta apologized. Not engaging is hard. And I don’t know if it was intentional but some gaslighting took place. 
 

I don’t know if staying together is better. I tried to referee today but it was useless. He watched a show in the living room and I said it was inappropriate and I didn’t want the kids to see it. I told the kids to leave the living room but Dh and Ds scoffed. The show is called Daybreak on Netflix. Common sense media rates or age 16+. Ds was watching; dd was doing something else. I overheard Ds ask dad what mr problem was. 
 

I continue to look bad. 

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30 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I continue to look bad. 

 

That's how it is in an abusive relationship.

((hugs))

 

Not engaging gets easier with practice. You learn not to care enough to bother.

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6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I continue to look bad. 

I think the other thing you need to realize is that the more you disengage the more he will deliberately try to get you to engage in unhealthy ways. 

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I am sorry it was such a frustrating day Heart.

I'm impressed you made costumes! I've always wanted to learn to sew.

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1 hour ago, brehon said:

I think the other thing you need to realize is that the more you disengage the more he will deliberately try to get you to engage in unhealthy ways. 

I think that’s sorta what happened last night. He kept trying to engage me and I said you normally don’t talk this much to me and we listen to the radio in the car. Just turn on the radio. He didn’t and he kept pestering me and trying to paint it like he was being a good, attentive partner and I was just being rude and childish. 
 

dd screamed at the top of her lungs twice and told us to stop fighting. 
 

Dh lost the community center membership card I handed him (the pumpkin trail we went to) and said I never handed it to him. During the trail I said, “if they ask for payment show them our card.” I only gave it to him because he was walking ahead originally. In the car I said, “why would I have said that if I didn’t hand it to you? And why wouldn’t you have said then that you didn’t have it?” He’s so illogical and making me sound crazy. He said I simply showed him the card. I don’t think that’s right. 
 

the lady that works at the center knows me and I will find out if my card is found maybe. It has my name on it. I’ll get a replacement if I need to. 
 

he said he handed me dd’s Sonic hat and when we got home we couldn’t find it. I said if you handed it to me I would have put it in the car unless we dropped it. But why hand it to me at all? Just put it in the car. (We we’re leaving and she can’t wear it in her car seat). 
 

he wanted a donut. Stopped in drive thru. Of course then kids want donuts. He got prices and decided to upgrade to a dozen. I’m like we didn’t need a dozen donuts. 
 

Kids wouldn’t go to bed. He stayed up in living room with them. I tried to send Ds to his room. I decided my new boundary is we miss morning mass when kids stay up so late. It’s not worth the struggle. I will go to the city for mass and ask the comic store if they found her hat in their parking lot. I will buy more fabric to finish her costume (she didn’t have a sonic shirt). I will not feel guilty buying fabric when he got dd all excited over Chinese last night so we got donuts & take out. 

Edited by heartlikealion

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23 minutes ago, maize said:

I am sorry it was such a frustrating day Heart.

I'm impressed you made costumes! I've always wanted to learn to sew.

I didn’t sew every part but this is the most I’ve done on a machine. I learned how to change to another kind of foot (the one by the needle I swapped out for the easy sew foot that has a plastic guide to help make straight lines easier). I had to take apart the screws around the bobbin area once because the machine kept messing up. I jammed it twice this weekend. I made some patterns from scratch and got the sonic ears by using a cat ear template. I learned a lot. I sewed the spikes but hot glued the finished spikes on the hat because they don’t run down the seam and my first attempt putting ears on seam didn’t come out good, anyway. I learned about stretch stitches so I used that on her leggings but the material did look slightly bunched on one leg in one small area. I’ll get better 🙂 you can learn a lot from YouTube! I just had to get comfortable. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Guess I am saving up for the shark attorney 

I wonder if working at a school near my parents would be enough to survive. I mean it’s not much — $14.75/hr but summers off with kids. Would alimony make up enough of the difference? I have a lot to figure out. 
 

my dad’s words ring in my ears — I don’t want to get in the middle of your marriage. I don’t feel like I could ask to stay with them. But living close enough to some level of support would be good. 

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Heart I am sorry you had such a bad day.  

I am curious why he brought up the towing of the car. 

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57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Heart I am sorry you had such a bad day.  

I am curious why he brought up the towing of the car. 

I can’t remember and I had not planned to talk about it. I was just going to set up the tow Wed morning. He yelled we don’t even know what’s wrong. He didn’t want it towed yet or wanted to do himself on his timeline. Said I can’t take care of cars. I know I’ve screwed up before but obviously I’m trying since I was learning about my terminals. 

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Heart, I'm going to give you one more book recommendation; this is one that I think works well when paired with the Boundaries book for someone in a difficult relationship; on its own it can give the impression that by following its recommendations you can fix all your relationships. That of course isn't true. What it teaches though is how to do the opposite of what people who behave in narcissistic ways do--that is, how to see and treat others as entirely human, as people not things.

You can't fix your dh. You know that, of course. I do think though that you have it in your power to significantly cut back on the tense interactions between the two of you. Boundaries is one part of that, and I believe that the principles taught in the Anatomy of Peace are another part.

Here is the book

 

Edited by maize
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I earned $15 this week from ibotta bonuses. Transferred to my acct.

I met a woman at church representing a Catholic school. I asked if they were hiring because the website never says anything about non certified positions. She said probably not now but there’s a new principal and my last application may not be on file so go ahead. She’s going to find out exactly what I need to send them tomorrow. I got her name and gave her my business card. I still have a bunch (not from my job but that I ordered years ago) with current contact info. 
 

I really should work near that city since it would be a compromise on drive time to many doctors including the special eye doctor’s two offices. My parents live closer to one than me but not closer to the vision therapy office which we may need down the road.

if you get alimony how many years? Is it based on your employment status? Children’s ages? 

one of my aunts sends me a birthday card with a check every year. This year I didn’t see one. Well a few days after my birthday I found an opened envelope with a card and check from her. I asked Dh about it and he said sorry, he thought it was his. I was so upset he didn’t tell me and didn’t pay close enough attention that it was my mail. Come on. He’s done that before. One time the card and envelope fit separated so I didn’t get the lady’s contact address or last name. Ugh 

My dad got mail addressed to me from the DV coalition a couple weeks ago. What’s up with those people? Why would you use snail mail. I am glad I used his address. 

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12 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My dad got mail addressed to me from the DV coalition a couple weeks ago. What’s up with those people? Why would you use snail mail. I am glad I used his address. 


Is your dad going to tell your spouse?

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Why would he think a card from your aunt was his? And how rude to not tell you when he realized his ‘mistake’. 

Ugh, he makes me furious.  

Tell your aunt he opened your mail and didn’t tell you about it.  

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22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I earned $15 this week from ibotta bonuses. Transferred to my acct.

I met a woman at church representing a Catholic school. I asked if they were hiring because the website never says anything about non certified positions. She said probably not now but there’s a new principal and my last application may not be on file so go ahead. She’s going to find out exactly what I need to send them tomorrow. I got her name and gave her my business card. I still have a bunch (not from my job but that I ordered years ago) with current contact info. 
 

I really should work near that city since it would be a compromise on drive time to many doctors including the special eye doctor’s two offices. My parents live closer to one than me but not closer to the vision therapy office which we may need down the road.

if you get alimony how many years? Is it based on your employment status? Children’s ages? 

one of my aunts sends me a birthday card with a check every year. This year I didn’t see one. Well a few days after my birthday I found an opened envelope with a card and check from her. I asked Dh about it and he said sorry, he thought it was his. I was so upset he didn’t tell me and didn’t pay close enough attention that it was my mail. Come on. He’s done that before. One time the card and envelope fit separated so I didn’t get the lady’s contact address or last name. Ugh 

My dad got mail addressed to me from the DV coalition a couple weeks ago. What’s up with those people? Why would you use snail mail. I am glad I used his address. 

The birthday card thing--probably just poor executive function. I do that kind of thing all the time. In fact I'm pretty sure I still have dd16's birthday card from my FIL with money in it around here somewhere that I opened cause I was just quickly opening all the mail and not looking at who it was addressed to, and set aside for her because she wasn't home at the time, and forgot about. Her birthday was in September.

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13 minutes ago, maize said:

The birthday card thing--probably just poor executive function. I do that kind of thing all the time. In fact I'm pretty sure I still have dd16's birthday card from my FIL with money in it around here somewhere that I opened cause I was just quickly opening all the mail and not looking at who it was addressed to, and set aside for her because she wasn't home at the time, and forgot about. Her birthday was in September.

Lol well that actually makes me feel better. I was mainly mad because I thought I offended my aunt! lol she had gifted dd something recently and I’ve been slow to send a thank you. 
 

tell your dd ASAP. I found my card in his car console when I was looking for something. When it was *his* birthday I made a point to go to the post office and bring home his birthday card from my parents that had cash in it. Just wish he was as considerate. But I guess it’s not really a measure of that if people really forget. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Why would he think a card from your aunt was his? And how rude to not tell you when he realized his ‘mistake’. 

Ugh, he makes me furious.  

Tell your aunt he opened your mail and didn’t tell you about it.  

I was upset about him not telling me. Like ok you opened it by mistake but tell me! I’m sure it just fell off his radar. 

he said I’m listed wrong as his beneficiary for retirement. He showed me it has my maiden name. How the heck did they screw that up? I don’t imagine he would just me as one til we married. 

Right now 2 of my goals are get him to fix that & the title. So basically get on his good side. 

Can I find a psychologist or only LPC on the telecommunication format? I know I was given a site or link. I need to dig it up. 

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19 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I can’t remember and I had not planned to talk about it. I was just going to set up the tow Wed morning. He yelled we don’t even know what’s wrong. He didn’t want it towed yet or wanted to do himself on his timeline. Said I can’t take care of cars. I know I’ve screwed up before but obviously I’m trying since I was learning about my terminals. 

I knew he would do that....which is why I suggested you just not discuss it any more. I honestly doubt if you call a tow truck driver to your house the driver will ask you for a copy of the title.  

I guess it just depends on how badly you want to have transportation.  And his comment about not knowing what is wrong with it.....I mean, duh, that is why you would be taking it to a mechanic......a person who figures out this stuff for a living.  

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By the way, my first husband was a bargainer.  I wanted him to stop looking at porn...sure he says if you stop drinking wine.  So I did.....do you think he stopped looking at porn? No.  He just got sneakier about it.  When you told me he said you could take it to a mechanic If you cleaned out the car.....I had that pit in my stomach again.  

Let me ask you....is the car horrible?  Has he been asking you to clean it out?  For a long time? I would clean the car really well, just before I called the tow truck.  And I would not say a word to him about either event.  You are an adult.  You do not need permission to repair your car.  

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The cars both get junky fast. I have cleaned out parts off/on but there’s still a lot of clutter. I’ll take some stuff out tonight. I have a basketball in it for when I drive to the fitness center, a helmet because dd used it roller skating and we thought we were also going ice skating at the fair, papers and books. Some of the books were from when I was tutoring. Some just because I read at the fitness center if I use the bike. He said his real concern was personal documents but I’m not sure what he’s referring to. Like if there’s any mail in the car maybe. Not sure. 
 

yeah I didn’t go out of my way to talk about the tow. I can’t remember how it was brought up. 
 

Today he was sleeping through his alarms and I told him to get up. He was already late and maybe that’s why he took the car to work. I didn’t know til I was trying to leave for the party. I had to walk to the car and he was like oh I was gonna bring it back. Pfff. He didn’t even act like he knew what time the party started. I called and got another mom to pick up the pizzas I preordered. He knew I preordered. He knew I was the one in charge of paying for the venue, decorating, and basically hosting. So irritating. 
 

I filled in the hole outside but first it smelled like sewage. I couldn’t smell it again when I got closer. I don’t know if there’s a concern there.

Duribg the party he started texting me questions about the car. He asked if we can tow without paying up front and bring reimbursed. I said not as far as I know... which is why I suggested AAA. Then he told me I had to use an approved towing place and I said well I was going through the link they gave me so I’m assuming it’s connected. I forwarded him the link and told him I couldn't talk as I was at the party. 
 

ugh he’s so annoying. 
 

asked my friend about (house) rental prices in the city. She said at least $1600 for a 3bd typically and that’s on the low end. She said she’ll send me info on a neighborhood near her that is a bit lower but not advertised online. She’s going to take a picture. 
 

the Catholic school has no openings and low turnover rate they said but sure bring the application and resume and drop off. All they may have now is substitute teacher (and I doubt I’d drive for that). 

Edited by heartlikealion

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If you have AAA the tow is free up to a certain number of miles unless you have maxed out (my brother’s car is a piece of cr@p so we learned you CAN max out AAA- you get 3 calls a year).

Your husband sounds like he cares A LOT about appearances.  He doesn’t really need the car cleaned out to get it to a mechanic but on some level I bet he cares more about what the mechanic thinks of him than what you think of him.  He doesn’t want them to see a mess in any car connected to him.  I’m sympathize with him a little, as my anxiety leads me to clear out my car daily and clean it weekly.  Here’s the thing though, the mechanic doesn’t care what the inside of the car looks like.  Assuming they can access the hood release and any other parts of the car they need to + sit in it to test drive/dx sounds, they really don’t care.  They are like doctors for your car.  Just like there is basically NOTHING your doctor or nurse hasn’t seen over the years, there’s probably nothing in terms of car clutter the mechanic hasn’t seen before.  And they don’t care.  FFS, unless there is a dead body or evidence of a crime in the trunk, you don’t HAVE to clean your car out before you take it to the mechanic.  Have I mentioned, they really don’t care?  😛

Your husband is once again, being ridiculous and making excuses.   I seriously doubt your car is as messy as my brother keeps his POS car and my trusty mechanic has never cared when  my husband and I have taken it to him.  My brother is getting our van this weekend (we are getting a slightly newer van ourselves so that he can have a reliable car until his money from the divorce hits in the next few months- his job is absolutely dependent on driving and we have reached the point where I am sure there is no point in putting more money into the POS car, especially when he is just a few months tops from getting quite a lot of cash from the sale of the house and can go out and pay cash for a reliable newer used car that gets gas mileage that fits his budget) and he’s on notice that if he trashes our van, he buys it when his money does come through but if he doesn’t trash it, we will sell it and put the money towards our shared family vacation this spring.  That’s my boundary.  I’m not cleaning out the van if he trashes it.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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I agree with LucyStoner.

If you do want to clean out the car you can do what I do in a pinch: take a big box or a trash bag out there and just dump everything in it. 

Then call the tow truck.

Once the car has been towed you can take the time to pull one item out of the box/bag at a time and either put it away or throw it away. If doing so is overwhelming give yourself a goal of taking care of five items a day. Do those five, pat yourself on the back, and go on with the rest of your day.

Multiple people with executive function difficulties does tend to make for a messy life, I know, I live it. I am perpetually cleaning but things are perpetually a mess, and I am as much responsible for that problem as anyone else.

I never have had a mechanic comment on my messy car, so there is that!

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He is using the mechanic as leverage to make you obey him, and to exert control. 

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9 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

He is using the mechanic as leverage to make you obey him, and to exert control. 

Yes, this is it.

Heart have you had the car towed? 

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We had a fight & a heart to heart this week. My dumb Facebook still sends alerts when you close the window if you haven’t fully logged out so he intercepted a message about divorce while using the PC. It was a blessing in disguise though because it forced us to have a tough conversation. 
 

I told him that I’m interested in staying if he’d agree to certain things and he is willing. It didn’t feel like he was fake agreeing... I think he just didn’t realize how badly I felt about our relationship. One of the things is marital counseling but this time I found someone with a masters in marriage & family counseling, not just a generic “LPC” credential. The obstacles last time we tried were babysitting and no flex spending card funds. This time because his schedule is different we can see a counselor on a weekday morning. I scheduled it next week and set up the sitter. We will pay with the flex card as our ins. doesn’t cover marital. 
 

I explained my issues with the car, how he handled things when he was mad in the car with me etc. We have made promises that there will be no using the vehicle to make threats — supposedly he’d never really leave me on the side of the road. But he did lock me out of the car once when we went to Sonic during a fight and I got so mad I walked down the road a bit rather than stand there asking to get back in. This wasn’t recently, though. 
 

He said he was trying to motivate me to do things when saying do A before I do B and I said that doesn’t do anything but piss me off. If I need/want B done, please just do it. 
 

I know nothing will be fixed overnight. But for us this is progress.

The auto shop suspected a fuse rather than battery over the phone but it was raining cats & dogs this week and he wanted to postpone it. I had said we can get the tow or jump it and avoid the tow... but only if it starts. That’s when he said ohh ok then yes I want to try the jump. But not with his car. He also left a message with the school auto that was never returned and I said stop involving them. 
 

Today I stopped him from driving it (once it was jumped by a police officer —Dh apparently is paranoid to use his car for jump starts even without considering the recall and asked a campus police officer for the jump) all the way to a further city. I said use the local auto shop or O’Reily’s... but call first because the girl told me days ago they wouldn’t check my car without a light coming on. So my dad was right — they do check batteries but I think the employee I spoke to was confused. Dh took it there and I said if they can’t solve it go to the auto shop down the street. If it died while he was out I was on call but he didn’t want to make me drag the kids along if it wasn’t necessary. It WAS the battery. He got it replaced there ... $175. Car is back home. Dh was right about the battery terminals... the one I saw was called a remote terminal, unrelated to jumping the car. Oops. And I told him about using a ground and he said he’s never done that. So we educated each other. He told me, “you were right, I was wrong” about just checking the battery issue locally. This new battery is a 5 yr one with a 3 yr warranty. The old one was a 5 yr one and lasted roughly 4 years he thinks. I believe our sensors are messed up so it’s hard to assess issues sometimes. 
 

One of the other things I said I wanted from him was to attend a positive parenting workshop together. They give you tools for parenting without spanking and traditional time outs. 
 

And a huge deal to me is him not coming to bed. So he bent over backwards to sleep in the bed the past two nights. First night he was so sore I said ok you made your point. Don’t have to sleep in it second night but we need the new beds as priorities— I consider them more important than the PC he is researching. His friends said just put a Mac simulator on it for me. I don’t know if that would be sufficient for Mac use with my programs. But he came to bed last night, anyway. He said he told his mom and she said they have the same fight sometimes. She stays up late and doesn’t always come to bed. Dh relies on screens to go to sleep. I said he probably could break that habit and then wouldn’t feel the need to stay up watching tv all night til he passes out. 
 

Another thing is monthly date night. We have one scheduled this month when a church has a Parents’ Night Out event. Last time we tried that Ds got sick. He said his biggest hang up with dates is trusting sitters. I know a couple people I can have babysit and Dh asked about their spouses. He never met one because he wasn’t always there (deployed). I have no concerns. Dh may have worse anxiety than me in some areas. 
 

Tonight should be good. We have family plans. I made modifications to the Halloween costumes. My car is fixed. We got paid. 
 

I applied for two more jobs yesterday. A friend is hand delivering one of my apps to her HR dept. 

I also told him there’s a difference between debt and making progress on debt. I need to see us making progress. I feel like he’s slowly understanding my POV but we’ll see how counseling goes. 

 

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It sounds like you were able to communicate and really hear each other! Hopefully, this is a sign of better things to come! 

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I'm glad to hear a positive update Heart.

There are going to be times ahead where you feel like it is one step forward, two steps back, but I do think there is hope. If you don't find that this marriage counselor is helpful don't be afraid to switch to another; I get the impression that your dh can be quite charming and persuasive with people outside the family and you need someone who can see through that. Dh and I have been going to counseling together off and on for years, we've had to try several different counselors but I really like the one we go to now.

 

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We had a pretty good time.

Oh and when Dh and I talked he said his mom wasn’t trying to make his sister take my place as beneficiary but add her in case Dh and I both died. I said that was never made clear to me. But he didn’t add her. We don’t have the kind of godparents that take care of your kids if you die so we do need to discuss that more. 

A couple jobs I applied to are in schools or related to education but one said some summer work was required. We’ll see if I get any call backs. One was for the Phi Theta Kappa Society. 

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11 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

We had a pretty good time.

Oh and when Dh and I talked he said his mom wasn’t trying to make his sister take my place as beneficiary but add her in case Dh and I both died. I said that was never made clear to me. But he didn’t add her. We don’t have the kind of godparents that take care of your kids if you die so we do need to discuss that more. 

A couple jobs I applied to are in schools or related to education but one said some summer work was required. We’ll see if I get any call backs. One was for the Phi Theta Kappa Society. 

I had been thinking that your dh needed to really comprehend that you were seriously considering divorcing him.  Problem is, there is no real way to get it across to him because he would not have believed you were serious.  So yes, this accidental disclosure was problem a huge blessing.  Hopefully he doesn't find this thread though.  He doesn't really need to know that most of us think he is a huge jerk to you and the kids a good portion of the time.  That is the nature of message boards though. 

I do hope it wakes him up. The best outcome is to be in a healthy relationship with the father of your children.  

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16 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He said he was trying to motivate me to do things

I really truly hope that things improve for you heart, I really do.  

But I am going to say this bit doesn't give me warm fuzzies at all.  To me it indicates and generalized opinion he has of you and your "position" in relation to his, and I am not getting equality from that line.  

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14 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I really truly hope that things improve for you heart, I really do.  

But I am going to say this bit doesn't give me warm fuzzies at all.  To me it indicates and generalized opinion he has of you and your "position" in relation to his, and I am not getting equality from that line.  

I tend to agree. It didn’t seem like there was any introspection happening on his part, or at least only very little. 

I do hope your situation improves, though, whatever that looks like and however it occurs. 

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I've been reading along, but haven't written yet because everyone else has been saying all the things I would say, but I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you and your DH had that conversation. I could've written a lot of your posts even as recently as tue beginning of this year. Two years ago I was writing here, and receiving a lot of the same responses you've received. I want to encourage you, in this crossroads you're in right now, that there is most definitely hope. As previous posters have said, there will be times that it feels like you're not making progress or even going backward. Keep your plans in mind, and keep working on your goals. But I think you're brave and kind to keep trying despite the hurt and the amount of work required to relearn positive behavior patterns in your relationship (for you and him). My details aren't important (though I'm happy to share if you think it would be helpful - send me a PM), but I will say that my husband had to realize I was serious before any changes happened. For us, that meant I actually left, twice, over a two year period. He did eventually realize I meant what I was saying, and he has put in a tremendous amount of effort to make our marriage and family work. He's now my best friend and a truly wonderful husband and father. We've even decided to have another child together, and our fifth baby will be born next month. There is hope. I'm praying for you and your family.

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5 minutes ago, ThatBookwormMom said:

I've been reading along, but haven't written yet because everyone else has been saying all the things I would say, but I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you and your DH had that conversation. I could've written a lot of your posts even as recently as tue beginning of this year. Two years ago I was writing here, and receiving a lot of the same responses you've received. I want to encourage you, in this crossroads you're in right now, that there is most definitely hope. As previous posters have said, there will be times that it feels like you're not making progress or even going backward. Keep your plans in mind, and keep working on your goals. But I think you're brave and kind to keep trying despite the hurt and the amount of work required to relearn positive behavior patterns in your relationship (for you and him). My details aren't important (though I'm happy to share if you think it would be helpful - send me a PM), but I will say that my husband had to realize I was serious before any changes happened. For us, that meant I actually left, twice, over a two year period. He did eventually realize I meant what I was saying, and he has put in a tremendous amount of effort to make our marriage and family work. He's now my best friend and a truly wonderful husband and father. We've even decided to have another child together, and our fifth baby will be born next month. There is hope. I'm praying for you and your family.

Very sweet post!  And congrats on baby #5!

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Yeah, the dynamic and expectations we hold definitely need addressed. 
 

I told him I think Ds will need to go to school next semester, even if Ds does finish the list this semester I’m making. It’s just not working out. Dh is fine with that. Then I said if Ds goes to school should I try to add dd to the PreK program in the other town?  I could drive both kids or Ds could take the bus. I would have to drive her but then I’d be home alone to focus on the house. The decluttering, the cleaning, the laundry that often doesn’t get folded etc. I said but I bet you’d complain about the gas cost (they don’t do buses for PreK). He said he would be ok with that because the house makes him unhappy as is. I told him the house affects our mental health and he gets to escape it but I am here a lot so how does he think it makes me feel? I know I can’t make much progress with the kids around. I’m not sure if I’d be setting myself up for unrealistic expectations but at least I could get things done. So that’s just a background idea. The PreK program may have filled up there, though. She’s be on campus already for speech but that’s not a huge factor since they don’t get it often. Once a month at the school in my town. 
 

today is a holy day. We’re trying to figure out how to juggle errands and church. He hates driving two cars to the city for no reason. He said he could come to Mass with us. We’ll see. He seldom goes to church with us. 
 

I do want to say I know I’m not perfect and have areas to work on, too. Raising my voice makes him shut down. Being more concise is another. I’m sure the counselor will have suggestions, too. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah, the dynamic and expectations we hold definitely need addressed. 
 

I told him I think Ds will need to go to school next semester, even if Ds does finish the list this semester I’m making. It’s just not working out. Dh is fine with that. Then I said if Ds goes to school should I try to add dd to the PreK program in the other town?  I could drive both kids or Ds could take the bus. I would have to drive her but then I’d be home alone to focus on the house. The decluttering, the cleaning, the laundry that often doesn’t get folded etc. I said but I bet you’d complain about the gas cost (they don’t do buses for PreK). He said he would be ok with that because the house makes him unhappy as is. I told him the house affects our mental health and he gets to escape it but I am here a lot so how does he think it makes me feel? I know I can’t make much progress with the kids around. I’m not sure if I’d be setting myself up for unrealistic expectations but at least I could get things done. So that’s just a background idea. The PreK program may have filled up there, though. She’s be on campus already for speech but that’s not a huge factor since they don’t get it often. Once a month at the school in my town. 
 

today is a holy day. We’re trying to figure out how to juggle errands and church. He hates driving two cars to the city for no reason. He said he could come to Mass with us. We’ll see. He seldom goes to church with us. 
 

I do want to say I know I’m not perfect and have areas to work on, too. Raising my voice makes him shut down. Being more concise is another. I’m sure the counselor will have suggestions, too. 

If I was in your shoes I would put ds in school but keep dd home until K next fall.  I think with some planning you could get the house under control even with a 4 year old in the house.  I don't know if you are doing any school work with her but if you are it should be very little time at seatwork.  There are plenty of very organized people here on the boards who could help you get a plan going for keeping on top of the house.  

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

If I was in your shoes I would put ds in school but keep dd home until K next fall.  I think with some planning you could get the house under control even with a 4 year old in the house.  I don't know if you are doing any school work with her but if you are it should be very little time at seatwork.  There are plenty of very organized people here on the boards who could help you get a plan going for keeping on top of the house.  

I struggle to keep her involved in something besides screens while I try to do housework and job apps. Sometimes I can get her to help but other times she flat out refuses and I don’t want the power struggle and give up. But I would be ok with her staying home. I can make plans to go to the local story hour so we get out (the librarian told me yesterday they are trying to do it twice a week. They are only open two days a week, actually). We can go on walks or something. We might be able to get onto routine. Right now she doesn’t do daily seat work but finished her PreK science workbook and did part of another PreK book. 

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3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

There are plenty of very organized people here on the boards who could help you get a plan going for keeping on top of the house.  

 

I don't usually get much out of advice from very organized people because most of them are naturally organized, have good executive function and organized brains. They don't know what will work for someone with poor executive function.

Advice from someone who is naturally very disorganized but has come up with a workable system is more helpful. Massive decluttering seems to be a key but not enough on its own.

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

 

I don't usually get much out of advice from very organized people because most of them are naturally organized, have good executive function and organized brains. They done know what will work for someone with poor executive function.

Advice from someone who is naturally very disorganized but has come up with a workable system is more helpful. Massive decluttering seems to be a key but not enough on its own.

Good point.

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Send the organized person over lol 

well now that the weather has changed I won’t be mowing so that frees up time. 

we have several things that need hauled off including a recliner in my dining room. When I see some big items go I think it will help. 

You guys just reminded me I need to use a Mr. Clean magic eraser on dd’s old shoes and add them to my consignment store pile. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Send the organized person over lol 

well now that the weather has changed I won’t be mowing so that frees up time. 

we have several things that need hauled off including a recliner in my dining room. When I see some big items go I think it will help. 

You guys just reminded me I need to use a Mr. Clean magic eraser on dd’s old shoes and add them to my consignment store pile. 

Do you have a local homeschool group on Facebook or something? I'd post there that you have an old recliner that needs to be hauled away and that you will pay someone to do it. Will it be going to a dump? Do you have other things that could go? Someone with a pickup or a trailer might take a load for you. Pay them for their time and pay the dump fee and get that burden off your shoulders. Probably wouldn't cost your family more than two of your husband's buddy dates AND would have more positive effect.

 

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If it meant a clean house I'd let her have screen time while you clean.  You can do something educational, like PBS or Leapfrog or nature documentaries.  Chances are she'll wander off and play anyway, but if it's just a few toys and the rest of the house is getting clean, it's worth it.

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The items need to go to the dump. We have a broken recliner in the carport and dining room (I tried to dismantle the one that comes apart, but it was stuck. Even Dh said the top and bottom were stuck), a full size box spring in my hallway from when I moved Ds’ mattress directly to the floor, a busted futon mattress in the carport from our old couch, a broken screen door and another chair also in the carport. I said it’s beginning to look like I’m on American Pickers. I’m not sure what would be fair to offer someone to relocate all this junk. Originally Dh said he was going to hand someone with truck haul them off. This was months ago and he had a falling out with the guy as the guy used to do our lawn and then argued about what he normally gets paid. I’ll see if I can find someone else myself. 

I called to follow up on some jobs yesterday. The mall job has been filled. The newspaper job has not been filled and I was under the impression they have not conducted interviews yet. My friend did turn in my stuff to HR and said she thinks they started interviews already. Some places just said, “we’ll call you if we’re interested.” I left a voicemail with a tutoring company to follow up on an ESL gig. 

Dh was pooped and dd wanted to stay home last night so they did and Ds and I went to Mass and the grocery store. 

Today I’ll work on the house. I’ll have this thread closed now even though Dh probably won’t come here. I never log into TWM from the shared computer anymore. If anyone wants updates you can pm me or I may start a new thread on organization later. 
 

thank you for all your support & responses. 

@Rosie whenever you get a chance, today or maybe tomorrow please delete this thread. Thank you 

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Congratulations!!!   It sounds like huge progress is being made!!!

You might want the thread to stay on (not be erased) both to be able to look at it yourself again and if DH were to see it, he might realize both how very unhappy and serious about divorce you have felt and also see that he comes off looking like a Jerk — since impressing others seems to be important to him. 

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Rent a pick up truck from Home Depot, Menard's or Uhaul and take your stuff to the local dump. We've done that in the past a few times and the dump charges us $15 - $20 for a full load. 

It would be cheaper that a junk removal company, but if your husband doesn't help, then unfortunately you're going to have to pay more to have someone else do it for you. 

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I am SO glad you are having actual factual communication!!!! I truly think communication skills, or the lack there of, are the root cause of most divorces. And what is really sad is that if you don't learn them, the next relationship isn't going to work either. And of course, if you don't have them you can't teach them to your kids, so then that impacts THEIR future marriages. 

I got firm with my own DH this past week, and he's a GREAT guy, but was being a jerk because he was stressed. to a point I'll put up with grumping, but he was flat out rude to me and that won't fly. So i told him so, in that many words. I said, "you are treating me like crap, and that's not okay. You wouldn't talk to  a coworker that way with that tone, and you won't do it to me." And he apologized. A younger me would have bitten my tongue and then stewed about it for weeks. 

 

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On 11/1/2019 at 12:37 PM, heartlikealion said:

Send the organized person over lol 

well now that the weather has changed I won’t be mowing so that frees up time. 

we have several things that need hauled off including a recliner in my dining room. When I see some big items go I think it will help. 

You guys just reminded me I need to use a Mr. Clean magic eraser on dd’s old shoes and add them to my consignment store pile. 

Call your waste removal company and ask if they do bulky item pick up on a certain day. Here it is every Friday, other places I lived it was once a month or something. You could put things on the curb the night before and they would pick it up as part of your trash service. Call and ask - say you have furniture that needs to be thrown away and want to know if you put it at the curb will the trash people take it, and if it has to be a certain day.

Throw the shoes away. Seriously. You don't have time for cleaning shoes you are getting rid of, and driving to the consignment store, for what? Maybe $2? Throw them away, and mark that off your to do list 🙂

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Something that you might want to work on.

 

if your dh family of origin gripes and fusses at one another he may know of no other way to get things done in the family.

so like he said he used the car cleaning as a bargaining tool. 

He may need examples of what doesn’t work “dang it when are you going to do the laundry? What do you do all day. You are a terrible lazy wife..” doesn’t work.

however...

”hey, I’m wearing my last clean shirt. I know you have a lot to do today, but if you could make laundry a priority I’d really appreciate it.”

 

deal is though, when he asks this way, you have to bust your butt to make it happen. 

Yes it’s stupid to have to train a grown man like this but if he grew up with family talking trash to one another it’s his default.

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Lots of stuff to think about. I thought I was once told there’s no way to leave large items on the curb for pick up. 
 

I’m still saving for Ds’ bed/frame so I don’t want to have to pay for a uhaul. Dh said we don’t have the money for the bed this month because of the car battery. I feel bad. 

I have told Dh before that if he asks for something last minute or if I forget please remind me the day before (as opposed to 9 pm when he gets home or first thing in the morning). I told him I’ve stayed up late before or woken up in the middle of the night to move stuff from the washer. He said he never really expects me to do that. I asked him to get rid of clothes he doesn’t wear because sometimes I think he has more options than he does. 

The counselor has “family of origin issues” listed under her special areas of interest which I think is great. We can hopefully delve into that and how it affects our relationship (from both of our sides). 

I overheard Dh tell dd today that he isn’t going to spank her anymore. I don’t think he knows I heard. I think the same goes for ds though I don’t think he said it. That meant a lot to me. 

I told him he was being controlling with the tv today. It was my turn to pick the show and he just started clicking on other things after I asked him to put on The Goldbergs. I said you’re doing that thing again where instead of honoring my choice you try to change my mind. He said he was trying to pick something we’d both watch and I said I was not interested in the new Steve Carell show on Apple TV he was trying to get me to watch (he signed up for an Apple TV trial to watch some show called “See” with Jason Momoa. I saw a few minutes of it, but it’s not my thing). I finally just said watch Goldbergs with me or leave. He left. I hated to do that but I don’t like it when he and his dad are tv dictators. He’s not as bad as his dad.

I told him a couple of days ago I’m done trying to people please about how I spend my time at his parents’ as there is no winning so everyone can get over it if I leave the living room or house. I feel like I’ve grown more of a spine and together we’ll have to make new family traditions and boundaries with our extended family. Briefly I wanted to skip the trip to the coast for Thanksgiving but my other sister is coming to MS that week. I think it’ll be fine. We just have to keep communicating, etc. 

Dh’s gaming friend mailed a nice graphics card. It’s on the way. He works on computers for a living and had an extra one (used but in good shape). This means extending the life of the computer about another year. I said let’s download Inkscape for me (similar to Illustrator but free) and I’ll take him up on the Mac simulator idea. It’s a compromise for both. 

his parents did not acknowledge my email suggesting the name drawing for adults for Christmas. Dh will bring it up later. That could really help our budget. 
 

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