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I think I misunderstood above CC for community college vs cc for credit card.

I thought the Community College he works for was paying for him to get a PhD.  

If PhD costs are going on a credit card that sounds really bad.

 

I think you need to talk with a lawyer ASAP before dh ends up initiating divorce and leaving you with 50% (maybe more, who knows) of his debts.   

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Statistically, academia jobs are about as rare as professional sports jobs.  

I say this as the daughter of a college president.  Tiny colleges in the middle of nowhere in Appalachia would get HUNDREDS of applications for associate professor of English jobs....all of those folks had Ph.Ds.  Some of them from places like Yale.  For a job that paid peanuts.  

This is a deeply dumb plan.  

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

He makes high salary for a librarian since he’s a director. Most jobs he looked at would be a down grade or lateral move. He can’t do this by switching to public libraries nor does that interest him. He’s working on a doctorate degree for upward mobility and/or pay raise. 

He sent me two job links this month. He wants me to solve our financial problems. I applied for one but it was not doable. They wanted a PT teacher at a co-op and the pay was $15/class with a long drive there and child care required on my end etc. I’d lose so much in time and gas. They said well maybe reapply next year if we have FT openings. 

The other job link he sent yesterday about a PR position. I’m not sure about that. My degree is in advertising. There are a lot of plates in the air. Not like I just say oh ok let me work. I have to consider how it affects the kids, after school care, wear and tear on cars, etc. Of course all the jobs are in the city. 

what's the job market prospects for the phd he is doing?  where would it require you to live?  what is the cost of living in those places?   how many years after receiving the phd before he would be interesting to a prospective employer?  how much experience do they want before he can make a decent salary that will support your family?

it's one thing to do the starvation thing while building a business/going to school when you have a reasonable certainty it will pay off with comfortable salary.  it's an entirely different thing to do the starvation thing when the market in your field isn't good.

 

eta: as has been mentioned...  some degrees are worthless (but expensive) because the market is flooded with a thousand others with the same degree - for one job opening.

 

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

 

Yeah, it's all excuses, really.

I hear the same kind of stuff from my kids' dad. (He's got the PhD and guess what ? Apparently there's no PhD jobs going. Uh-huh.)

Nothing wrong with a lateral move that improves prospects for the entire family. 

You can't solve this problem from here. You are set up to fail in solving the problem. 

I'm sorry. It's so hard to keep being stuck in these loops of knowing what you need to do, but then you can't do it, so you can't do what you need to do. 

 

 

dd has an undergrad classmate who got her phd in related field.  her friend - is still trying to find her *first* "real" job  because their is little market for that field.   dd.... got into something in demand. she makes good money and can afford a life.

Edited by gardenmom5
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8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

what's the job market prospects for the phd he is doing? 

 

And from the institution he’s trying to get it from? 

Assuming nothing goes wrong (big assumption!)  and he actually succeeds in getting the PhD, what is the likely Return on Investment? 

 

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I'm coming back to add- I am not saying to question his degree plan to him at this point. I think you need to get in a safer, more respectful place in the relationship in general before you do that. Thinking about it afterward, I worry it could just blow up worse if everyone is already on edge at the moment. I don't know how his mind works, but I'm guessing it could come across as another slight you are giving him on top of the maintenance and all of the other stuff and that's how it would be twisted. So while I think the finances are super important, I think you getting a handle on the boundaries and managing the relationship while you figure out where you are at and where you want to go if probably more of a priority in the immediate future. 

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16 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I'm coming back to add- I am not saying to question his degree plan to him at this point. I think you need to get in a safer, more respectful place in the relationship in general before you do that. Thinking about it afterward, I worry it could just blow up worse if everyone is already on edge at the moment. I don't know how his mind works, but I'm guessing it could come across as another slight you are giving him on top of the maintenance and all of the other stuff and that's how it would be twisted. So while I think the finances are super important, I think you getting a handle on the boundaries and managing the relationship while you figure out where you are at and where you want to go if probably more of a priority in the immediate future. 

 

Oh, right.  Definitely *not* something to bring up with the dh himself.  

Something for Heart to analyze herself. 

Is a PhD from ____ in ____ likely to lead to a Dean position somewhere at a higher salary than he can get as a librarian .  

Afaik, there are far more librarian positions than Dean positions and the average salary for the 2 isn’t hugely different.  Yes a Dean at a top uni will probably make more than a librarian, but the statistical chances of dh becoming a dean at a top uni seem close to zero. 

 

I don’t think it is likely to be able to be without anxiety and depression given living in an abusive and very insecure marriage situation.  

Im not sure that medication to stay in the situation is needed so much as a plant to get out.

plan to get out 

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3 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

Plans are harder than you'd think, though. And in the meantime, a person has to function to the best of their ability. That may or may not include meds for co-morbid conditions.

 

That’s true.

I guess it’s not clear to what degree they are helping functioning and to what degree they are making an unworkable situation seem more reasonable.  

 

“In Summary

Common side effects of Celexa inlude:...

Other side effects include: ...  anxiety, confusion, exacerbation of depression, lack of concentration, ...   “  some thing that came up googling .  

Confusion and lack of concentration could be what resemble adhd...

 

 

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Oh trust me I have questioned the “need” for the degree many times. He flipped open the yearbook one day and showed me a page of directors or people with similar titles at his school and said what degree that all held. Most were PhD. His commentary was to not just say it would help him get ahead but that he needed it to keep up. This is his belief. I cannot really say what the reality is. 

His actual degree won’t be called a PhD. I think it’s an EdD. He really believes it will open doors and he can get a higher job.

the reason a lateral move is bad is because the cost of living would go up and therefore we’d be worse off. Like he was offered one job but the pay was lower and there was no faculty housing. 

It’s a hair past 9pm. Dd is asleep. I am relaxed. This is how nighttime should be. Dh and ds are at the store. My inlaws are watching tv down the hall so I probably won’t fall asleep anytime soon. I’m sleeping at their house during our stay. There isn’t room at my parents unless I go alone and crash on the futon. Which I might do another night. 

I told Dh I don't think it makes sense for me to look into that PR job. It’s for Mississippi Public Broadcasting so I’m sure it would involve a lot of travel.  

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh trust me I have questioned the “need” for the degree many times. He flipped open the yearbook one day and showed me a page of directors or people with similar titles at his school and said what degree that all held. Most were PhD. His commentary was to not just say it would help him get ahead but that he needed it to keep up. This is his belief. I cannot really say what the reality is. 

His actual degree won’t be called a PhD. I think it’s an EdD. He really believes it will open doors and he can get a higher job.

the reason a lateral move is bad is because the cost of living would go up and therefore we’d be worse off. Like he was offered one job but the pay was lower and there was no faculty housing. 

It’s a hair past 9pm. Dd is asleep. I am relaxed. This is how nighttime should be. Dh and ds are at the store. My inlaws are watching tv down the hall so I probably won’t fall asleep anytime soon. I’m sleeping at their house during our stay. There isn’t room at my parents unless I go alone and crash on the futon. Which I might do another night. 

I told Dh I don't think it makes sense for me to look into that PR job. It’s for Mississippi Public Broadcasting so I’m sure it would involve a lot of travel.  

 

Maybe the travel would do you good. 🙂

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh trust me I have questioned the “need” for the degree many times. He flipped open the yearbook one day and showed me a page of directors or people with similar titles at his school and said what degree that all held. Most were PhD.

 

I dont question that most high high level staff at a college will have PhDs .

 I question whether getting a PhD or EdD will make getting a higher position at a college statistically significantly  any more likely.  

Probably most of the professors have PhDs, no? Why would your dh be chosen for a Deanship or similar instead of one of these other people? 

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

His commentary was to not just say it would help him get ahead but that he needed it to keep up. This is his belief. I cannot really say what the reality is. 

 

I

I suggest you try to figure that out.  

 

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

His actual degree won’t be called a PhD. I think it’s an EdD. He really believes it will open doors and he can get a higher job.

the reason a lateral move is bad is because the cost of living would go up and therefore we’d be worse off. Like he was offered one job but the pay was lower and there was no faculty housing. 

 

But if schools were better for your kids and job options were better for you, then  the whole family might be better off.  

 

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

It’s for Mississippi Public Broadcasting so I’m sure it would involve a lot of travel.  

 

Or if you tied it to getting a reliable vehicle, might it do you good personally? Open some doors for you and start getting you more secure (emotionally and financially) separate from dh? 

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He sent me a tiny job description on Facebook. I pulled up the full job description on their site. I am not even qualified. I didn’t write for the newspaper. I made ads, flowed and did minor editing on classified listings, and did photo adjustments for press. That type of thing. I wasn’t in charge of real body copy or heavy editing. I can’t even type coherent posts on this site half the time. Sorry for all the crazy typos. 

This is the job: 

http://www.mpbonline.org/blogs/careers/projects-officer-iv-special-public-relations-specialist

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Gosh- is it this: https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&hl=en-us&q=mississippi+public+broadcasting+jobs&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj2vcCfwfLkAhWLqp4KHQbTASAQ1QIwN3oECAcQBA&biw=414&bih=690#fpstate=tldetail&htidocid=wZ3rK9HpFFIr00mCAAAAAA%3D%3D&htiq=mississippi public broadcasting jobs&htivrt=jobs

Why not Apply!  

It has what looks like very good benefits for medical and dental.  And decent salary.  If you got it maybe you and kids could take an apartment near it for year and see how it goes if commute is too far for daily.  Or even an apartment share.  Or get a reliable car and listen to audiobooks ...   or something... 

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3 minutes ago, Pen said:

Gosh- is it this: https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&hl=en-us&q=mississippi+public+broadcasting+jobs&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj2vcCfwfLkAhWLqp4KHQbTASAQ1QIwN3oECAcQBA&biw=414&bih=690#fpstate=tldetail&htidocid=wZ3rK9HpFFIr00mCAAAAAA%3D%3D&htiq=mississippi public broadcasting jobs&htivrt=jobs

Why not Apply!  

It has what looks like very good benefits for medical and dental.  And decent salary.  If you got it maybe you and kids could take an apartment near it for year and see how it goes if commute is too far for daily.  Or even an apartment share.  Or get a reliable car and listen to audiobooks ...   or something... 

That job description is very different but appears to be the same job. Weird. It does not indicate traveling all over the state. I do not really have the writing skills. 

I looked at another job a couple times for graphic design but I sjways shy away because my previous job used outdated programs and I had to drop that class where I was going to learn Illustrator. I am not a good “just learn online” person. 

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13 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

That job description is very different but appears to be the same job. Weird. It does not indicate traveling all over the state. I do not really have the writing skills. 

I looked at another job a couple times for graphic design but I sjways shy away because my previous job used outdated programs and I had to drop that class where I was going to learn Illustrator. I am not a good “just learn online” person. 

Think of a job posting as a wish list.

Most of the people who are hired, do NOT meet all criteria.   Statistically,  men apply to jobs even though they don't check all the boxes.  Women hold back because they don't check all the boxes. 

There's no harm in whipping a resume into shape and applying.

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Guess it can’t hurt to apply. I’ll update my resumé when I get back to the house. It’s saved in a particular program at home. 

Part of the reason I homeschool is that the schools don’t see any issues for ds but I’m trying to get to the root of that. So far we just know adhd inattentive type. He loses a lot of verbal info. As he gets older it will be harder for him. Note taking etc. The other reason of course is the particular district we live in. 

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8 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

And not as a rural person, I can tell you it is just the same with a lot of contractors. 

Addressing just the campus maintenance issue: at the university where I work, they will only address issues that come through the formal electronic system that generates job numbers for them and allows proper accounting. They respond to emails or requests in person with, 'Put it through the system, please.'  So trying to get things done through informal channels might just irritate people. I would block the holes temporarily and move on.

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It’s not you.  

It’s him.  

Returning the crap in your trunk to his employer?  That was you setting a boundary.  

I can think of no possible reason why you shouldn’t be able to contact maintenance about a hole in your yard after he failed to do so.  You are a tenant, the same as him.  

It is definitely him.  

These things are not you being weird or inappropriate.   The gaslighting is him convincing you that these are weird or awkward things about you when your behavior in both instances is totally normal.  He has you questioning your competency and abilities.  He has you second guessing yourself for no reason.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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On 9/27/2019 at 4:07 AM, heartlikealion said:

Re: checks 

he doesn’t get pay stubs. It’s direct deposit. It’s not the same day each month. It’s just near the end of the month. One month it could be the 26. Another the 29. It varies in that sense. 

 

Small potatoes but a couple of things here:

-if I recall correctly, you are in a state that requires most employers to pay at least 2 times a month.  This monthly pay thing is odd and possibly illegal.  

-pay stubs are also generally required.  I run payroll for my clients and those on direct deposit (and that’s basically everyone these days) get a legal paystub.  There is likely a website he can log into to see his pay stubs.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he just doesn’t know or is feigning ignorance.  

 

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2 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

-if I recall correctly, you are in a state that requires most employers to pay at least 2 times a month.  This monthly pay thing is odd and possibly illegal.  

Law applies only to certain employers, and even there, it doesn't apply to executive, administrative, and professional employees. I would think a salaried college library director would belong in that category?

Edited by regentrude
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11 hours ago, Terabith said:

Statistically, academia jobs are about as rare as professional sports jobs.  

I say this as the daughter of a college president.  Tiny colleges in the middle of nowhere in Appalachia would get HUNDREDS of applications for associate professor of English jobs....all of those folks had Ph.Ds.  Some of them from places like Yale.  For a job that paid peanuts.  

This is a deeply dumb plan.  

 

This is exactly why I decided to get my teaching certification instead of my PhD.  Academia jobs are impossible and as colleges continue to move to the adjunct model, just not worth it.

OP, I am not a bastion of tact and nicety, but I say this from a kind heart.  You need to leave him.  The problem isn’t you.  The reason your dad and sister questioned you seeing a psychologist is because they know the problem isn’t you.  They may not know the full extent, but I think you should tell them.  You need to leave your husband. I know it’s easy for me to say that—I have a job, my own checking account, and my car is bought, titled and registered in my name only.  But it’s doable, even if you have none of that.  Your husband isn’t going to change.  He has no need to change, because he is getting what he wants.  Is this the kind of family you want your children growing up thinking is normal? Do you want your son believing that men ridicule and insult their wives? Do you want your daughter believing that is how she is supposed to be treated in a marriage?

What you allow is what will continue.  You are clearly intelligent and capable, no matter what he says. Stop enabling him.  1−800−799−7233 is the domestic violence hotline.  Call it. They’ll have ideas, support, and practical help. No one is saying leave him today, but at some point you need to draw some lines.  He either has to treat you like a reasonable human being, or he needs to live apart from the family.

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2 hours ago, regentrude said:

Law applies only to certain employers, and even there, it doesn't apply to executive, administrative, and professional employees. I would think a salaried college library director would belong in that category?

 

I see now that I was wrong about the state, I was thinking of a different state entirely.  Ignore me and carry on.  

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I don’t think I said it in this thread, but yes I’ve thought about leaving a lot. One time I even talked to my dad about annulment. My parents know things are a mess. They know Dh and I attended that marriage weekend for struggling couples. They know money vanishes with Dh. I am more responsible with money. When I was single I was tight with my money and growing a RothIRA and had a job with a 401k. I haven’t put money in my RothIRA in years. Dh tried to get me to cash out those things at different times and I said no. 

I found a copy of my resumé in an email. I can do the job application today. This version of my resumé was updated recently and includes the relevant info. I started to do the job app last night but it’s really awkward from a phone. I’ll get on my dad’s laptop probably. 

Leaning is obviously complicated. Kids are the main thing and a custody battle. He would fight for them. 

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Regarding leaving:

I know it's complicated, especially regarding the kids.

How about  de facto, unnamed separation, based on you getting a job in another city and the logistical, practical need for an apartment there? See him on weekends, no talk of divorce, but get your own financial house in order and yourself on your own two feet.

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Working 5 or 6 days a week doesn’t entitle anyone to their own personal servant who will do all of the indoor and outdoor chores and all of the homeschooling and parenting and work part or full time to supplement the relatively low pay of their chosen profession.  His expectations are waaaaaay out of wack.  My husband works FT and still comes home and is on for the kids and does a decent portion of the household chores. He has you convinced you are failing but the only thing you are failing at is meeting his unrealistic standards.  

A few notes on therapy and meds.  Sometimes we go to counseling to deal with the people in our lives that won’t go to counseling. Yes, a FB meme but very true.  My brother started seeing a counselor to “fix himself” because he wanted to save his marriage.  In time , it was the counseling that helped him realize that the real problem was his husband had unrealistic and impossible to meet standards.  I also don’t think you should base your medical decisions off your dad’s penchant for natural health.  Frankly, I needed meds to even get to the point I had the ability to carry out self care activities that improved my depression naturally. If they help you, they help you.  It doesn’t have to be a permanent thing but it can be very helpful regardless of if the symptoms are being worsened by an untenable situation.  

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43 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Regarding leaving:

I know it's complicated, especially regarding the kids.

How about  de facto, unnamed separation, based on you getting a job in another city and the logistical, practical need for an apartment there? See him on weekends, no talk of divorce, but get your own financial house in order and yourself on your own two feet.

 

This is not a bad idea at all.  

If I needed to file for divorce, everything I have learned from seeing family law cases play out up close and personal for the last 5 years tells me that in advance of the divorce, I would want my kids already attending the schools I wanted them to keep attending after the divorce.  I would not file while living someplace I didn’t wish to remain unless my kids were grown and custody was not an issue.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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Have to get back to work before reading all the posts.

But I have to say - pick your battles.  So what if you do his laundry and packing?  If you fuss about every single thing you don't love about your dh, you'll never find peace with him. I would suggest picking the top 3 things and then putting them in order.  Deal with the biggest problem first.  Let all the smaller things go e.g. do the laundry and move on.  You can work on those things later if your dh learns how to act as a father and husband.  And if not ... nobody ever died from doing a couple extra loads of laundry.

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26 minutes ago, SKL said:

Have to get back to work before reading all the posts.

But I have to say - pick your battles.  So what if you do his laundry and packing?  If you fuss about every single thing you don't love about your dh, you'll never find peace with him. I would suggest picking the top 3 things and then putting them in order.  Deal with the biggest problem first.  Let all the smaller things go e.g. do the laundry and move on.  You can work on those things later if your dh learns how to act as a father and husband.  And if not ... nobody ever died from doing a couple extra loads of laundry.

 

There's unlikely to be anything that Heart can to to mollify her husband.  Leaving his packing and his laundry for him to do however may help her carve out time she needs for herself and her kids, regardless of if she opts to stay or go.  There's nothing she can do to make him act like a father and a husband.  She could meet all of his impossible demands now and, more likely than not, he'd find other demands to add.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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2 minutes ago, SKL said:

Have to get back to work before reading all the posts.

But I have to say - pick your battles.  So what if you do his laundry and packing?  If you fuss about every single thing you don't love about your dh, you'll never find peace with him. I would suggest picking the top 3 things and then putting them in order.  Deal with the biggest problem first.  Let all the smaller things go e.g. do the laundry and move on.  You can work on those things later if your dh learns how to act as a father and husband.  And if not ... nobody ever died from doing a couple extra loads of laundry.

I thought we were leaving town after his normal shift ended at 3:30 that day. I didn’t realize he was coming home earlier to leave town earlier. So I was caught off guard. He said he’d told me and he probably did but I forgot. So he came home around noon and played video games and complained I hadn’t packed for him but I packed for “everyone else.” Ds and I were mid packing and I was running around the house filling litter boxes, food and water dispensers, collecting trash, airing out the dishwasher that just ran... 

so yeah, I thought ffs you can pack your own bag. I also ran to a second store when he got home to get the right cat food because the one down the street stopped carrying her cat food. He wanted me to replace it with something else but I know I’d be worrying about her. 

Had he come home at 3:30 and I had all the other stuff done I may have started packing his bag. But mainly I just can’t keep up with what he wants. He uses more toiletries than me & I don’t know what he wants so he generally packs that part. As for clothing he wears shirts as undershirts under dress shirts as well as under unbuttoned over shirts. Occasionally I’ll suggest a shirt and he’ll say oh I only wear that color as an undershirt. I didn’t want to stop and think about which colors he wanted for this weekend. 

I do laundry all the time but my issue was waiting til I walk in the door to act helpless... oh I don’t have any X clean. But I have time to video game. 

You are right — pick your battles. I usually just throw the clothes in and check on them in weird hours of the night if I have to. His shirts all have to be hung and I wish he’d do that but instead I do it and he says he can’t find them because he doesn’t look at all the hanging spots. I am losing my cool with this man. It’s not about clothes. It’s about having a 3rd child. 

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1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

Regarding leaving:

I know it's complicated, especially regarding the kids.

How about  de facto, unnamed separation, based on you getting a job in another city and the logistical, practical need for an apartment there? See him on weekends, no talk of divorce, but get your own financial house in order and yourself on your own two feet.

I don’t know. I don’t think that job is in a good school district. Jackson is full of crime & has struggling schools. I believe the job is there. Madison, roughly 15 min away is a better school district but very high cost of living. So I’d have to look at a lot of factors. Then after school costs. 

I remember when we moved here we didn’t know if we could get a faculty home. We looked at apartments in the city. The options were small and $$$. And we only had one child. Now two kids, varying ages and genders, I’d need a bedroom for each... or dd stay in mine. So 2-3 bedroom apartment, no craft/office space for my sewing machine or a computer but I’d deal. Not sure what I could afford and I’d make less than Dh did probably. 

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10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I thought we were leaving town after his normal shift ended at 3:30 that day. I didn’t realize he was coming home earlier to leave town earlier. So I was caught off guard. He said he’d told me and he probably did but I forgot. So he came home around noon and played video games and complained I hadn’t packed for him but I packed for “everyone else.” Ds and I were mid packing and I was running around the house filling litter boxes, food and water dispensers, collecting trash, airing out the dishwasher that just ran... 

so yeah, I thought ffs you can pack your own bag. I also ran to a second store when he got home to get the right cat food because the one down the street stopped carrying her cat food. He wanted me to replace it with something else but I know I’d be worrying about her. 

Had he come home at 3:30 and I had all the other stuff done I may have started packing his bag. But mainly I just can’t keep up with what he wants. He uses more toiletries than me & I don’t know what he wants so he generally packs that part. As for clothing he wears shirts as undershirts under dress shirts as well as under unbuttoned over shirts. Occasionally I’ll suggest a shirt and he’ll say oh I only wear that color as an undershirt. I didn’t want to stop and think about which colors he wanted for this weekend. 

I do laundry all the time but my issue was waiting til I walk in the door to act helpless... oh I don’t have any X clean. But I have time to video game. 

You are right — pick your battles. I usually just throw the clothes in and check on them in weird hours of the night if I have to. His shirts all have to be hung and I wish he’d do that but instead I do it and he says he can’t find them because he doesn’t look at all the hanging spots. I am losing my cool with this man. It’s not about clothes. It’s about having a 3rd child. 

He was being unreasonable, you were right to be frustrated. He does not respect all the work you do to take care of the kids and keep the household running, he thinks his forty hours a week is the greater contribution and that he is entitled to whatever he demands from you.

Is he wanting a third child or you?

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1 minute ago, maize said:

He was being unreasonable, you were right to be frustrated. He does not respect all the work you do to take care of the kids and keep the household running, he thinks his forty hours a week is the greater contribution and that he is entitled to whatever he demands from you.

Is he wanting a third child or you?

 

It sounds like HE IS the third child in behavior and the amount of caregiving he feels entitled to.  

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

He was being unreasonable, you were right to be frustrated. He does not respect all the work you do to take care of the kids and keep the household running, he thinks his forty hours a week is the greater contribution and that he is entitled to whatever he demands from you.

Is he wanting a third child or you?

I was calling him the third child lol we do not want more kids 

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9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know. I don’t think that job is in a good school district. Jackson is full of crime & has struggling schools. I believe the job is there. Madison, roughly 15 min away is a better school district but very high cost of living. So I’d have to look at a lot of factors. Then after school costs. 

I remember when we moved here we didn’t know if we could get a faculty home. We looked at apartments in the city. The options were small and $$$. And we only had one child. Now two kids, varying ages and genders, I’d need a bedroom for each... or dd stay in mine. So 2-3 bedroom apartment, no craft/office space for my sewing machine or a computer but I’d deal. Not sure what I could afford and I’d make less than Dh did probably. 

 

Does your family live in Mississippi too?  Any chance you could get a job and an apartment in the same general area as your family?  

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4 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

 

Does your family live in Mississippi too?  Any chance you could get a job and an apartment in the same general area as your family?  

Job market isn’t good here. I used to live near my parents. And I’m not sure if they could handle childcare. Dd overwhelms them. They can only handle short visits. I don’t always bring the kids when I go over. 

My mom, dad, and one aunt live together on the gulf coast. They are the only family in Mississippi. I am visiting them over this weekend because my sister and her husband are in town from England right now. I’m sleeping at my inlaws’ who live across town from my parents. 

My aunt can’t help much, either. She doesn’t drive and has only recently reconnected with our family. 

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45 minutes ago, SKL said:

Have to get back to work before reading all the posts.

But I have to say - pick your battles.  So what if you do his laundry and packing?  If you fuss about every single thing you don't love about your dh, you'll never find peace with him. I would suggest picking the top 3 things and then putting them in order.  Deal with the biggest problem first.  Let all the smaller things go e.g. do the laundry and move on.  You can work on those things later if your dh learns how to act as a father and husband.  And if not ... nobody ever died from doing a couple extra loads of laundry.

I don't view this as a pick your battles situation. He is demanding her to be the house wife he feels entitled to and is angry when she isn't.  It sounds like if OP had the spousal support she needed in other areas of the family dynamic she'd be able and willing to do his laundry and pack for him. But he asks too much of her while not doing the things she needs from him(like getting curtains hung, a hole filled, and plywood reattached.) She obviously could learn and do all those examples but if those types of things are part of his role in the family and he isn't getting them done in a timely manner that they are her burden to deal with. All three of those things would be a higher priority for me than doing an adults laundry and packing for them.

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1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

I don't view this as a pick your battles situation. He is demanding her to be the house wife he feels entitled to and is angry when she isn't.  It sounds like if OP had the spousal support she needed in other areas of the family dynamic she'd be able and willing to do his laundry and pack for him. But he asks too much of her while not doing the things she needs from him(like getting curtains hung, a hole filled, and plywood reattached.) She obviously could learn and do all those examples but if those types of things are part of his role in the family and he isn't getting them done in a timely manner that they are her burden to deal with. All three of those things would be a higher priority for me than doing an adults laundry and packing for them.

 

Plus he's belittling her and trying to pressure her into working to solve his money management issues.  I'm willing to stake my much loved first born child that should she start working FT, he's not going to step up and into the 21st century and start contibuting equitably to the chores and childcare.  He's a grown man who, right before leaving for a trip, comes home early from his job to play video games while she's running around doing all the things.  Instead of lightening her load, he shames her for not doing more for him.  He's lucky she didn't put his game console in the washing machine.  

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Heart, can you apply for school districts in One of the counties/cities over?  They hire for all kinds of things.  It would get you an “in” even if it’s in a shitty school system—You’d at least know the administrators.  I’m thinking if you did that, you could set up your own account for direct deposit and save for a year or so and get out if it’s still rough.   I know it’s not ideal obviously, and staying home is sometimes best, but your situation calls for a different plan than the one you have right now.  

 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t think that job is in a good school district. Jackson is full of crime & has struggling schools. I believe the job is there. Madison, roughly 15 min away is a better school district but very high cost of living. So I’d have to look at a lot of factors. Then after school costs. 

Yes, it would involve lots of factors. A few things to consider, not necessarily to answer here:

Are the schools better near your family?

Do you have any family or friends outside your present state, but within driving distance for weekend visits home?

I would not think of family or friends as child care. More just as occasional support when you need to drop your car at the shop and get a ride home, or need to stay late at work, or whatever. I would look into before and after school options *at the school*. Or, places that pick up from the school.

I would decide what a reasonable driving range is first, then look within that radius for places with better schools and employment situations. Then look there for jobs. And, if family and friends aren't in the promising spots, you can develop support networks there. You'll be meeting people through work and making friends.

Be ready to live in a smaller space. This is a way of getting started, not your life forevermore.

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My brother's path back to employment after ten years at home was a bit difficult. He doesn't have any college credits, and his only work experience was clerking in a bookstore and working as a youth outreach worker back before he became as SAHP. After subbing for a while, he just got a paraeducator position at his daughter's school, so he doesn't need before or after school care. While the pay is not great, it is better than he'd get anywhere else with his background, has benefits and is something he likes doing. Ultimately, he wants to go back to college to become a sped teacher himself. 3.5 years ago, he started counseling feeling entirely like he was to blame for everything and desperate to save an awful marriage to an abusive person. He'd never lived alone as an adult, and was dependent on his husband for most everything and truly believed he was the awful, incompetent person his husband told him he was. Now he has a job, an apartment, and every month he does something he was never able to do before. It's not an overnight thing or an easy thing to do. Regardless of if you decide to stay or go, how your life is right now is not how your life has to look in 5 years. Things can improve in previously inconceivable ways. You deserve so much more than what you are getting right now. 

 

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50 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Heart, can you apply for school districts in One of the counties/cities over?  They hire for all kinds of things.  It would get you an “in” even if it’s in a shitty school system—You’d at least know the administrators.  I’m thinking if you did that, you could set up your own account for direct deposit and save for a year or so and get out if it’s still rough.   I know it’s not ideal obviously, and staying home is sometimes best, but your situation calls for a different plan than the one you have right now.  

 

I’ve tried 😢

When dd was 3? I interviewed at a good school district for a teacher assistant role. At the time we had just one car. It was physically impossible for me to be at work on time and get dd to childcare (no childcare would be open early enough). The job paid peanuts. I know they were interested in me because the interviewer caught me as I was leaving in the parking lot to ask for my references. 

I interviewed for a ESL tutor job (FT) at the same school district. The interview was weird and they didn’t know the pay. They said they *might* be able to allow my kids into their school district but would make no guarantees. They are kind of strict about letting people into their district from what I’ve heard. In the past I heard they only do it for certified teachers, not all staff. They did not hire me despite my ESL tutoring experience. I have since then completed an online TESOL certificate. I’ve hesitated to reapply with VIPKID as I need practice. Their first offer was too low ($7 base pay/25 min class). 

This summer I interviewed for a Marketing/Development Director position at a Catholic school. I’m a practicing Catholic, volunteer at Catholic churches, and have an affiliated background with advertising but they did not hire me. I would have been expected to enroll my children there which I would have done at least a year for ds (school only goes up to 6. He is now in 6th). Part of the job was recruitment of students, giving tours of the school and asking businesses for money/donations for fundraising events. I’m not sure I would have liked it but I would have done it. I despise upselling & asking for money but I can do it. I used to get praised for it at other jobs. Half of the battle is just asking. 

 

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The school district where I live pays more than others but no one wants to live/work here. A local lady I know substitutes but said the pay advertised on the flyer ($15/hr) was only applicable to retired teachers. So I don’t know what she makes. 

I have a few things on my resumé from living here. I worked temporarily at the school textbook store, the local newspaper, the community college as an athletic tutor, and a homework helper/tutor at a church program for ESL students. 

The textbook store only needs help twice a year. It was min wage and hours were dependent on dh’s schedule and they barely had me come in. 

The local newspaper didn’t really want someone with my graphic design background (I used to work at a much bigger paper). They didn’t even look at my portfolio during the interview. They had me type and format. They wanted an afternoon worker and it fizzled. I had to work around dh’s schedule and ds was in private school that year. I’d drop ds off and go to the newspaper down the street for a couple hours then go home to dd and Dh would go into work. Dh would forget to tell me his hours changed or we had done miscommunication and I’d look like an idiot at the newspaper & textbook store saying oh I can’t come in that morning/week  (because first week of school or week before that Dh had different hours). The newspaper is barely staying afloat, anyway I think. They paid me quite less than my previous newspaper job. 

I think they wanted someone with a brick & mortar background for the ESL job but I don’t know. That interview was just before the Catholic school one, so a few months or so ago. 

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9 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

 

 

-pay stubs are also generally required.  I run payroll for my clients and those on direct deposit (and that’s basically everyone these days) get a legal paystub.  There is likely a website he can log into to see his pay stubs.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he just doesn’t know or is feigning ignorance.  

 

I agree - for a legit job, paystubs are required.  there must be records for every form of pay - the IRS requires it.  He's either stupid, or faking ignorance (if the latter - I would assume it's so he can hide money from you.).

5 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

   He either has to treat you like a reasonable human being,  

I will go farther.  He needs to treat his wife like a *partner* - an equal!  as just as important to the relationship as himself.  Being equally yoked in marriage *is* biblical.

 

4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t think I said it in this thread, but yes I’ve thought about leaving a lot. One time I even talked to my dad about annulment. My parents know things are a mess. They know Dh and I attended that marriage weekend for struggling couples. They know money vanishes with Dh. I am more responsible with money. When I was single I was tight with my money and growing a RothIRA and had a job with a 401k. I haven’t put money in my RothIRA in years. Dh tried to get me to cash out those things at different times and I said no. 

I found a copy of my resumé in an email. I can do the job application today. This version of my resumé was updated recently and includes the relevant info. I started to do the job app last night but it’s really awkward from a phone. I’ll get on my dad’s laptop probably. 

Leaning is obviously complicated. Kids are the main thing and a custody battle. He would fight for them. 

between him "not having pay stubs" (to prove how much he makes), and "money vanishes".  . . . makes me wonder just where the money is going, and, given his record, I would suspect he is hiding spending from you.  . . . . 

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Keep looking and applying, even if out of area.

 I used to have a friend who used to be married to a doctor who no matter how much he earned always put them in debt for twice as much or more.  And I think also emotionally may have been belittling her.  I only met him once, and it wasn’t clear—but was clear that he was at minimum a big flirt and possibly looking for side relationships. 

She ended up leaving with her then 2 year old to an “intentional community” in a different state where she did gardening and made some money at a variety of odd jobs (not earning much, but also not in more and more debt) till she got more securely on her own feet, divorced (despite also being Catholic).  Ultimately she married someone else —and last I heard was much happier.

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