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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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He will supposedly get money back this time and I got duplicate receipts printed at Sam’s since one went missing and I don’t know if he’ll need both at some point (the other was for coffee service). The duplicates may or may not be accepted but I’ll scan them and save on the computer. I’ll start doing that will all his receipts. For myself if nothing else. 
guess he’ll have to omit one package of meat since he didn’t use it and the rolls he tossed? The rolls were on a receipt I got him (Walmart or dollar tree). 

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20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He will supposedly get money back this time and I got duplicate receipts printed at Sam’s since one went missing and I don’t know if he’ll need both at some point (the other was for coffee service). The duplicates may or may not be accepted but I’ll scan them and save on the computer. I’ll start doing that will all his receipts. For myself if nothing else. 
guess he’ll have to omit one package of meat since he didn’t use it and the rolls he tossed? The rolls were on a receipt I got him (Walmart or dollar tree). 

 

This sounds good— receipt copies etc.  

 

i dont see why the rolls shouldnt be included.  Accidents happen.  

If you will use the meat at home, then maybe that should be left off.  Or maybe left for simplicity and to make up for the many I reimbursed expenditures.  

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14 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I know physical abuse isn’t the only type of abuse.  I *lived it* as a child, from birth until I moved out.  I’ve been the child in her situation so perhaps I see this differently than some of you.   I do think standing up to the bully in my case would’ve made a difference.  Setting boundaries would’ve made a difference.   I’ll bow out of this convo from now on, since only certain advice is acceptable.  

Heart, I wish you much luck in dealing with your situation.   I hope you find happiness very soon.   (((Huge hugs))) 

 

I think your suggestions and thoughts have been very valuable.

 

 

 

I think there’s a danger when only certain types of ideas are considered valid (leaving aside troll and spam type posts).  

These forums have a certain amount of group-think where I know I do find myself cutting off expressing whole areas of thought usually because they aren’t part of the peer pressure/ groupthink for WTM forums.

I hope you will keep expressing your thoughts on this.  

Even if people argue with you!

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15 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I don’t think anyone would suggest calling the cops because dh was a jerk or gave your son a spanking.  When I suggested calling the cops, I meant because he beat you or beat one of the kids.  Like I said in another post, I don’t think it would come to that, at least based on what info you’ve shared. 

 

I understood it the way you meant it.   Not that far back in thread Heart was moving toward readiness to move toward divorce if things didn’t change.  Then found out in Mississippi there aren’t grounds right now.

 I also think that the psychiatrist and your ideas of standing up for herself may be helpful.  Both directly as with refusing to help with the food prep for homecoming.  And indirectly as for showing a model to the children.  

And also because I think standing up mostly seems not to be resulting in terrible violence nor worse emotional abuse than there already was and it seems to be helping to decrease Heart’s own sense of depression and learned helplessness. 

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15 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

I don't see how anyone can have a legal obligation to protect their children from legal forms of abuse.

 

I didnt mean the legal forms.  But what’s illegal can differ hugely too.

For example, In some places not having a kid in a car seat will result in a warning, in others in a criminal conviction.  In many, somewhere in between like a fine, or points on DL. 

Quote



Anyway, differences in legal codes aside, if "just say no" was going to result in life transforming mildness, it would have worked the first time, and people can retaliate in all sorts of ways that aren't illegal, so you can't call the police for.

 

That’s true.

Yet what seems to be what Heart is reporting here is that by and large, speaking up, telling dh that _____ isn’t acceptable is not making things worse. 

I am not sure it changes her husband e at all.

But I think Heart seems happier as best I can tell via written words when she speaks up. 

Edited by Pen
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I welcome various viewpoints even if I form a rebuttal. 

speaking up— I guess sometimes it feels worse because it gets a couple responses: 

1. shut up/whatever 

2. you should talk to me about this in private 

3. nothing. Silence 

4. justification. “I only... ”

So for example say he spanks a child and I say you shouldn’t have done that. He might say, “whatever. I just cupped my hand. It wasn’t even hard.” or “you should talk to me about this in private.” But in private doesn’t change anything and kids don’t see me stand up to him. He’s hardly available for private conversations. 
 

another common response: 

“I’ve got enough going on. Don’t add to my stress!”
I couldn’t discuss the car because he’s so stressed about homecoming. But next week it might be something else. 
 

I sent an email to my inlaws today suggesting a name draw for adults this Christmas. I doubt they will go along with it but at least I asked. Dh and I discussed it a couple weeks ago and he said it might be good this year (first time I got him on the same page about simplifying Christmas). 

Edited by heartlikealion
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16 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

I don't see how anyone can have a legal obligation to protect their children from legal forms of abuse.

Anyway, differences in legal codes aside, if "just say no" was going to result in life transforming mildness, it would have worked the first time, and people can retaliate in all sorts of ways that aren't illegal, so you can't call the police for.

 

The right to use physical punishment as discipline is limited.  The parent may not cause lasting injury, just momentary discomfort. The parent must be using reasonable force, and  must be correcting inappropriate or dangerous behavior.  https://www1.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/what-is-child-abuse-neglect.page is what is used in NYC.  Each parent has a duty to protect the child from abuse.  

Here in NY, its very easy for a parent to get help if they are overwhelmed or if the other parent is abusive - simply call the PD. For NYC:  https://www1.nyc.gov/site/acs/child-welfare/keeping-children-safe.page  .   It is not so easy for a young child who is not allowed out of the parent's home or presence...they rely on friends, neighbors, and people at the store where near them to notice and make that call.   One of the campaigns is to stop the boxing of the ears....the parents that use that technique are causing permanent hearing damage. Another campaign is for battered women - the doctor will eject the man from the woman's appointment and interview her, and make the mandated reporter call. 

 

 

Edited by HeighHo
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31 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I welcome various viewpoints even if I form a rebuttal. 

speaking up— I guess sometimes it feels worse because it gets a couple responses: 

1. shut up/whatever 

2. you should talk to me about this in private 

3. nothing. Silence 

4. justification. “I only... ”

So for example say he spanks a child and I say you shouldn’t have done that. He might say, “whatever. I just cupped my hand. It wasn’t even hard.” or “you should talk to me about this in private.” But in private doesn’t change anything and kids don’t see me stand up to him. He’s hardly available for private conversations. 
 

another common response: 

“I’ve got enough going on. Don’t add to my stress!”
I couldn’t discuss the car because he’s so stressed about homecoming. But next week it might be something else. 
 

I sent an email to my inlaws today suggesting a name draw for adults this Christmas. I doubt they will go along with it but at least I asked. Dh and I discussed it a couple weeks ago and he said it might be good this year (first time I got him on the same page about simplifying Christmas). 

 

I just started this book, so maybe premature to recommend, but think it could help:

Igniting Greatness - Remembering... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982671466?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

 

I’m reading (listening to) this for the 4th time: 

Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones https://www.amazon.com/dp/0735211299/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fQDSDb0BKPZSA

 

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24 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

This is adulting.  He has prioritized his load and is working on his list.

The car doesn't need discussed. One of you needs to take that job on and do it, per the family priorities.  He declined to put it on his list today, as he is at work and his plate is full today.  Your choice is to put the task on your chore list today or wait. If you wait, that's fine because you have another vehicle available.

Have you ever been evaluated for autism?  Most of your comments indicate you are very very very very upset when the world doesn't go the way you want it to go.

Have you ever been evaluated for insensitivity? 
 

you always take up for him. I was not expecting the car addressed today. I was asking to *discuss it* within the past few days. Yelling I’m stressed and refusing to have conversations/make a date for a conversation is arguably not “adulting.” 

Following my dad’s suggestion I would need a driver to follow me. That’s why I wanted a second person. Did you not read that part? 
 

nothing here falls under physical abuse according to that list or based on what the attorney told me. 

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From the Igniting Greatness book’s customer comments on Amazon - really long on near the top for me (not sure everyone sees same thing there).  I thought even this customer comment is helpful! 


For those of you who have never heard of the Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA), it is built on three “Stands.” They’re called stands for the simple reason that they are the commitments made in the approach -- the principles for which we “take a stand.” This attitude reveals the Nurtured Heart Approach’s active, intense way of pursuing its goals.

Stand One: Absolutely NO!
I will not energize negativity.

Stand Two: Absolutely YES!
I will relentlessly energize and nurture greatness in myself and others.

Stand Three: Absolutely CLEAR!
I refuse to let it slide when I cross the line into negativity. I will actively remember to reset, and use the energy of negativity as an impetus to go further into greatness.

NHA sees that every action we take is a giving or receiving of energy. When we lose our patience and raise your voice with a student, for example, we are giving our energy. When we are sincerely praising a great quality we see in that student, that is also giving our energy. Children -- especially those prone for “acting out” -- crave the energy of relationship. It gets to a point where it doesn’t matter if the energy is positive or not, the child is starving for relationship. The Nurtured Heart Approach, applied to children, gives specific language and strategies to honor and recognize the positive, in radical and sincere ways, and to “reset” ourselves when we slide into negativity, aligned to the 3 Stands above. As a teacher, I can testify to how profoundly effective that can be.

But this book tackles a different question. As impactful as NHA can be with children, and as great as we can get at seeing greatness in our children and students, can we apply the same tools to ourselves? Do we know how to recognize and nurture our own best qualities? As Glasser writes, “Can we rise to this occasion to love parts of us that, at first, might feel unlovable? Can we nurture those parts in ourselves at the most basic, primal level? Can we breathe love into the recesses of our being on blind faith that, in the end, by profoundly loving ourselves, we will be able to go much further in the love we have to give...to everything and anything?” (p. 208).”

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12 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I just started this book, so maybe premature to recommend, but think it could help:

Igniting Greatness - Remembering... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982671466?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

 

I’m reading (listening to) this for the 4th time: 

Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones https://www.amazon.com/dp/0735211299/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fQDSDb0BKPZSA

 

I’m slowly catching up on reading/listening. Those sound good. I finished the ADD book and Simplicity Parenting. I’m halfway done with my audio book of The Year of Less (spending less). 

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22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m slowly catching up on reading/listening. Those sound good. I finished the ADD book and Simplicity Parenting. I’m halfway done with my audio book of The Year of Less (spending less). 

 

I would say nearly anything you find like Simplicity Parenting that feels appealing to you, Atomic Habits will give you strategies to make it possible to gradually make it a part of your life. 

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This thread is so long that I can't remember if I mentioned this before, so apologies if I already said it.

Much of this sounds like what our household would be like if my husband, with undx'd autism, and I did not know about the autism and both work really, really hard to navigate the neurodiverse relationship. I have done a bit of counseling directly related to neurodiverse relationships, and need to do more. It is very exhausting.

For example, he would never be able to tolerate the amount of talk over details that you'd like (not saying you're unreasonable, just that it's probably something he couldn't tolerate and I couldn't reasonably expect it from him.) He'd try to listen for a bit, but then would tune it out, out of necessity. I just don't/can't expect that from him. Fortunately, I only need it rarely, so I just let him know up front, "Hey, I really need 10 min to talk through this one thing tonight." And then I only do 10 min, and only that one thing. I'm pretty autonomous (is that the right word?) in general, even with finances, even though he provides all our income. It would be different if finances were a special interest of his.

He would not be able to focus on the car at all in that situation, and he could easily get focused on something like the whole food/job thing too. He would be focused on keeping the job, and doing whatever he thought he needed to, regardless of other consequences. 

So many other things; those are just a couple of the most recent things that caught my attention.

However, as I said, he fully acknowledges the neurodiversity, and we both work very hard. I've lived through several years where neither was the case, and I can't even express how frustrating and miserable it was. It's still very difficult, and we have a lot to learn, but nowhere near what it was.

What made me think about this again was the comments about setting boundaries. This is a huge shift for me, but one that has paid off mightily. Since he is very black and white, not likely to notice when my boundaries are being violated, and (again) cognizant of his limitations in this regard, it works very well for me to set boundaries and expect him to respect them. Now, sometimes after thinking on something, he might like to discuss it. And sometimes I adjust. But in general, it is so much better for me simply to briefly and clearly express, verbally, my boundaries. Because he has not a clue unless I explicitly state it. He will not catch on, no matter how much I think it should be obvious.

Now, you know your situation. I'm only pointing out that IF the difficulties are based in neurodiversity, conventional advice will not work. At all. So if you feel safe doing so, it might be worth considering other options.

((((Hugs))))) and good thoughts to you. Regardless of the root cause, it's a difficult situation to be in.

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Have you ever been evaluated for insensitivity? 
 

JAWM is what you prefix your thread with if you want everyone to agree with your worldview.

you always take up for him. I was not expecting the car addressed today. I was asking to *discuss it* within the past few days. Yelling I’m stressed and refusing to have conversations/make a date for a conversation is arguably not “adulting.” 

I can see more than one point of view.  Can you?

Do you understand what I and others have said about not putting your partner into sensory overload?

Following my dad’s suggestion I would need a driver to follow me. That’s why I wanted a second person. Did you not read that part? 
How does this fit with your daily priorities?  In other words, what's lighting your fire that you need fixing this car to be the top priority today -- it looks very much like you are trying to control your partner and prevent him from putting in his full work day today.  Does this issue really merit a day off, when you already have another working vehicle???  And knowing that the college security people will come jump this car and start it for you?  You see why I am asking about autism?  

nothing here falls under physical abuse according to that list or based on what the attorney told me. 

 

it is not helping you to keep your mental health issues hidden from your partner.   If you do call the cops when you are overwhelmed, they can point you at resources that will help both of you and the children.  

Good luck. I'm bowing out now 'cause I know the outcome here.

Edited by HeighHo
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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m slowly catching up on reading/listening. Those sound good. I finished the ADD book and Simplicity Parenting. I’m halfway done with my audio book of The Year of Less (spending less). 

 

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

I would say nearly anything you find like Simplicity Parenting that feels appealing to you, Atomic Habits will give you strategies to make it possible to gradually make it a part of your life. 

 

Website is harder to navigate than book, but has a lot:

https://jamesclear.com/behavioral-psychology

 

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1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

 

it is not helping you to keep your mental health issues hidden from your partner.   If you do call the cops when you are overwhelmed, they can point you at resources that will help both of you and the children.  

Good luck. I'm bowing out now 'cause I know the outcome here.

Yeah, you should bow out because all you’re doing is twisting my posts.

I have autism because I called you insensitive? You can disagree with me/my worldview (didn’t know this was a worldview here) without bring a jerk. You question my ability to handle change or reactions I don’t like and I question your ability to read. I never said miss a day of work. Wth you’re a real piece of work. 
 

you constantly come into my threads saying how are your child’s issues (ie dd’s eyes) or suggesting Dh is the only adult here. What makes you think I’m hiding my mental health? He knew about the ADD form. He just didn’t know which dr gave it to me at first. He knows the results, too. 
 

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I will answer the rush for the car. my dad was asking what I’ve done about it, what’s wrong with it etc. I want to know, too. I need a car sometimes and Dh doesn’t always request a work vehicle in a timely manner and may need a car at the same time. If he needs to attend a lunch meeting etc that doesn’t warrant a work vehicle request. He’s not great about discussing car use sometimes.
 

The police aren’t really meant to jumpstart my car or offer resources imo... that’s maybe what people in movies do but here if I really needed the car looked at I’d sooner ask motor pool or auto shop and they never made time to look at my old car that we sold. A spouse of a mom I know in motor pool did change my flat for me once but he wasn’t sure if he was “allowed” so made me get it out of the driveway. My driveway faces the school president’s office. 
resources like the DV hotline? Or the DV coalition? Hardly. Until you ask you don’t realize what little some people have to offer/where to direct you. Like I’m going to ask the campus police about resources when they all know my Dh. 

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Since we missed the fair I got kids some stuff from the food trucks on campus today. I used some birthday money. We ate sliders Dh made but dd really wanted a hot dog or corn dog and I got Ds a funnel cake we shared. 
we all tried the mechanical bull ride lol  

Edited by heartlikealion
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Heart, in your situation, a car for yourself is a priority and does warrant discussion in a timely manner. You have mentioned time and time again when you have needed a car and your dh has mentioned out of no where that he needs it either at the same time or in the middle of when you need it. Having one vehicle isn't an option in your situation because your dh is unable or unwilling to communicate with you. His expectation that the car is his to use as he pleases however it effects you is inexcusable and don't let any other poster convince you that having your own car isn't incredibly important. You not having a car to use is another way that your dh gets to control you and that is a step backwards. You should have the car towed to a shop and taken care of. I know that would be expensive but if it gets a little more control back in your hands it is worth it.

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Does anyone in the family have a shareable AAA account?  I know you want to get away from shared stuff, but it could be helpful.  Or some insurance plans allow for an addition of the sort of coverage that gives emergency towing if needed.

 

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3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Have you ever been evaluated for insensitivity? 
 

you always take up for him. I was not expecting the car addressed today. I was asking to *discuss it* within the past few days. Yelling I’m stressed and refusing to have conversations/make a date for a conversation is arguably not “adulting.” 

Following my dad’s suggestion I would need a driver to follow me. That’s why I wanted a second person. Did you not read that part? 
 

nothing here falls under physical abuse according to that list or based on what the attorney told me. 

I laughed so hard I spit out my drink.  Best post of the day.

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Quote

You should have the car towed to a shop and taken care of. I know that would be expensive but if it gets a little more control back in your hands it is worth it.

 

If it isn’t safe to drive in or if husband  not available to give a lift home, that’s a good idea.  I’d ask insurance co (or other memberships maybe?) if anything already paid for would cover the cost.  Or it might be that a year AAA membership with included towing would be more cost effective than a single tow.  Especially with older cars in family.  

Edited by Pen
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Heart, I think your Dh is a selfish, insensitive jerk.  I highly doubt his type of abusive treatment of you and the kids rises to the level of calling the cops.  I think that is almost laughable. I mean if you were going to go  the route of calling the cops I would say just file for divorce instead and let the chips fall where they may.  But you hav decided divorce is not an option right now.  So it really falls on you to just deal with how much of an unsupportive jerk he can be.  

Here is the number one thing you have to get clear on:  you cannot depend on him.  He won’t help you get the car to the parts store to check on repair....so do it without him.  Find a friend to help you,   Ask your parents to come down and help you get your car running cause your husband won’t help you.  Call a tow truck and have it towed to the repair shop.  Put it on a credit card if you must.....but get your car running.  And if he balks about it tell him, you have two children to care for and a house to run and you are not going to be without transportation.  

Dont even start in with all of the reasons you can’t do that.  Don’t ask his permission and don’t apologize if he gets angry.  You have to start building a network of  friends and help because 1) everyone needs that anyway and 2) you can’t depend on your husband.  

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15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Heart, I think your Dh is a selfish, insensitive jerk.  I highly doubt his type of abusive treatment of you and the kids rises to the level of calling the cops.  I think that is almost laughable. I mean if you were going to go  the route of calling the cops I would say just file for divorce instead and let the chips fall where they may.  But you hav decided divorce is not an option right now.  So it really falls on you to just deal with how much of an unsupportive jerk he can be.  

Here is the number one thing you have to get clear on:  you cannot depend on him.  He won’t help you get the car to the parts store to check on repair....so do it without him.  Find a friend to help you,   Ask your parents to come down and help you get your car running cause your husband won’t help you.  Call a tow truck and have it towed to the repair shop.  Put it on a credit card if you must.....but get your car running.  And if he balks about it tell him, you have two children to care for and a house to run and you are not going to be without transportation.  

Dont even start in with all of the reasons you can’t do that.  Don’t ask his permission and don’t apologize if he gets angry.  You have to start building a network of  friends and help because 1) everyone needs that anyway and 2) you can’t depend on your husband.  

 

I agree 99%!

 

I think if he followed through on threat to leave her on interstate that that might be “reckless endangerment” from a legal POV and both worthy of highway patrol, sheriff or what have you, and also part of establishing grounds for divorce. though I don’t know about in Mississippi. 

I think amongst people to try to make friends with , cops or similar could be included.  Maybe it’s time for going to police station with awesome brownies for a homeschooling field trip.  And maybe they need volunteers.  

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8 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I agree 99%!

 

I think if he followed through on threat to leave her on interstate that that might be “reckless endangerment” from a legal POV and both worthy of highway patrol, sheriff or what have you, and also part of establishing grounds for divorce. though I don’t know about in Mississippi. 

I think amongst people to try to make friends with , cops or similar could be included.  Maybe it’s time for going to police station with awesome brownies for a homeschooling field trip.  And maybe they need volunteers.  

Also, don't forget that he broke the lock on a door to get into the room heart went into to get away from him(i hope I am remembering those facts correctly.) Whether he was going to hit her or not she couldn't know that while it was happening. In the moment, calling the police would have been completely justified.

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Well we both know cops here. Most are campus police. Dh’s friend was shot at last night by ATV thief we discovered. I’m close to his parents from church. (ETA: Don’t think anyone was hit with a bullet)

ok guys I feel like an idiot but I dug around my car looking for jumper cables and found it does in fact have a donut (which I could have used that other time). I also found a book I thought I would never find again that I never finished reading. And a Star Wars light saber and some rope, a nice screwdriver, flash light and first aid kit. No jumper cables, though. 

I went walking around looking for dh’s car to see if he has jumper cables (I know we owned some at one point) but I don’t know where he parked. 
 

I got the roadside assistance number and my policy number. I can report needing a tow or jump. I decided to wait and try to jump it first. I couldn’t pop the hood. I couldn’t find the latch (not the one inside the car but the other one). I know in theory where it should be. 
 

tomorrow I will try to jump the car... do you absolutely need two people? Maybe Ds can put his foot on gas. I also have the MET meeting to discuss dd’s speech tomorrow. 
 

my dad thought Autozone, O’Reilly’s and Advanced Auto all looked at cars for free if you showed up and said it was acting up. I called the nearest one and they said they only diagnose if the check engine light is on. They hook up to a machine to do that. She told me another place to try that’s an auto shop but I’m waiting til I find jumper cables first. 
 

if things don’t pan out with this roadside assistance I’ll ask my parents to add me back to their AAA. I was on it for years but Dh thought it was redundant. And I think it hurt his ego like he can take care of things, don’t need my dad. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

if things don’t pan out with this roadside assistance I’ll ask my parents to add me back to their AAA. I was on it for years but Dh thought it was redundant. And I think it hurt his ego like he can take care of things, don’t need my dad. 

So if this comes up again, present it as "Oh, darling, but you're so busy. So many things at work take so much time that my car really is just too, too much for you to handle too. I mean, look, homecoming week happened and I was kinda stranded. So rather than you bother with it, I just had my dad add me to his AAA. Really. It's no bother. I know you have so many commitments." 

 

He can't have it both ways....

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Well we both know cops here. Most are campus police. Dh’s friend was shot at last night by ATV thief we discovered. I’m close to his parents from church. (ETA: Don’t think anyone was hit with a bullet)

ok guys I feel like an idiot but I dug around my car looking for jumper cables and found it does in fact have a donut (which I could have used that other time). I also found a book I thought I would never find again that I never finished reading. And a Star Wars light saber and some rope, a nice screwdriver, flash light and first aid kit. No jumper cables, though. 

I went walking around looking for dh’s car to see if he has jumper cables (I know we owned some at one point) but I don’t know where he parked. 
 

I got the roadside assistance number and my policy number. I can report needing a tow or jump. I decided to wait and try to jump it first. I couldn’t pop the hood. I couldn’t find the latch (not the one inside the car but the other one). I know in theory where it should be. 
 

tomorrow I will try to jump the car... do you absolutely need two people? Maybe Ds can put his foot on gas. I also have the MET meeting to discuss dd’s speech tomorrow. 
 

my dad thought Autozone, O’Reilly’s and Advanced Auto all looked at cars for free if you showed up and said it was acting up. I called the nearest one and they said they only diagnose if the check engine light is on. They hook up to a machine to do that. She told me another place to try that’s an auto shop but I’m waiting til I find jumper cables first. 
 

if things don’t pan out with this roadside assistance I’ll ask my parents to add me back to their AAA. I was on it for years but Dh thought it was redundant. And I think it hurt his ego like he can take care of things, don’t need my dad. 

Ha well, he might be capable but he isn't taking care of things.  So yes, ask your parents for help.  

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Just now, fairfarmhand said:

So if this comes up again, present it as "Oh, darling, but you're so busy. So many things at work take so much time that my car really is just too, too much for you to handle too. I mean, look, homecoming week happened and I was kinda stranded. So rather than you bother with it, I just had my dad add me to his AAA. Really. It's no bother. I know you have so many commitments." 

 

He can't have it both ways....

 

Dunno. I might go with "Oh I know you could do it, but your dad does so much I didn't want to make mine feel bad by rejecting him, you know?"
Yay if that works, and you know not to try again if it doesn't. People who don't operate on as much logic as they think *can* have it both ways because both ways are theirs.

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5 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

So if this comes up again, present it as "Oh, darling, but you're so busy. So many things at work take so much time that my car really is just too, too much for you to handle too. I mean, look, homecoming week happened and I was kinda stranded. So rather than you bother with it, I just had my dad add me to his AAA. Really. It's no bother. I know you have so many commitments." 

 

He can't have it both ways....

 

Love it!  

Southern belle accent would be great with that!  

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Ds and I retrieved the good car and jumper cables (yes I’ll be sure to get a set for my car). I can’t find my battery. I think it’s buried under this plastic. Dh is probably mad. He just noticed the car missing and said it’s too late to jump it. It’s still light out! 
 

 

478C5CB6-E48A-45CB-A64B-1E1EF492EAA0.jpeg

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34 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Well we both know cops here. Most are campus police. Dh’s friend was shot at last night by ATV thief we discovered. I’m close to his parents from church. (ETA: Don’t think anyone was hit with a bullet)

ok guys I feel like an idiot but I dug around my car looking for jumper cables and found it does in fact have a donut (which I could have used that other time). I also found a book I thought I would never find again that I never finished reading. And a Star Wars light saber and some rope, a nice screwdriver, flash light and first aid kit. No jumper cables, though. 

I went walking around looking for dh’s car to see if he has jumper cables (I know we owned some at one point) but I don’t know where he parked. 
 

I got the roadside assistance number and my policy number. I can report needing a tow or jump. I decided to wait and try to jump it first. I couldn’t pop the hood. I couldn’t find the latch (not the one inside the car but the other one). I know in theory where it should be. 
 

tomorrow I will try to jump the car... do you absolutely need two people? Maybe Ds can put his foot on gas. I also have the MET meeting to discuss dd’s speech tomorrow. 
 

my dad thought Autozone, O’Reilly’s and Advanced Auto all looked at cars for free if you showed up and said it was acting up. I called the nearest one and they said they only diagnose if the check engine light is on. They hook up to a machine to do that. She told me another place to try that’s an auto shop but I’m waiting til I find jumper cables first. 
 

if things don’t pan out with this roadside assistance I’ll ask my parents to add me back to their AAA. I was on it for years but Dh thought it was redundant. And I think it hurt his ego like he can take care of things, don’t need my dad. 

I think this sounds like a plan.  

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29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Well we both know cops here. Most are campus police. Dh’s friend was shot at last night by ATV thief we discovered. I’m close to his parents from church. (ETA: Don’t think anyone was hit with a bullet)

ok guys I feel like an idiot but I dug around my car looking for jumper cables and found it does in fact have a donut (which I could have used that other time). I also found a book I thought I would never find again that I never finished reading. And a Star Wars light saber and some rope, a nice screwdriver, flash light and first aid kit. No jumper cables, though. 

 

 

Treasure! 

29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:


I went walking around looking for dh’s car to see if he has jumper cables (I know we owned some at one point) but I don’t know where he parked. 
 

 

29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I got the roadside assistance number and my policy number. I can report needing a tow or jump. I decided to wait and try to jump it first. I couldn’t pop the hood. I couldn’t find the latch (not the one inside the car but the other one). I know in theory where it should be. 
 

 

29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

tomorrow I will try to jump the car... do you absolutely need two people? Maybe Ds can put his foot on gas. I also have the MET meeting to discuss dd’s speech tomorrow. 
 

my dad thought Autozone, O’Reilly’s and Advanced Auto all looked at cars for free if you showed up and said it was acting up. I called the nearest one and they said they only diagnose if the check engine light is on. They hook up to a machine to do that. She told me another place to try that’s an auto shop but I’m waiting til I find jumper cables first. 
 

 

I have a battery charging thing that I can hook up to regular A/C outlet.  I can do that on my own.  

29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

if things don’t pan out with this roadside assistance I’ll ask my parents to add me back to their AAA. I was on it for years but Dh thought it was redundant. And I think it hurt his ego like he can take care of things, don’t need my dad. 

 

Sounds like a good idea.  Maybe worth doing anyhow so you have a back up? I don’t think an extra person on plan was all that expensive.  We currently have both triple A and an insurance roadside assistance service.  They don’t entirely cover same things. 

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ds and I retrieved the good car and jumper cables (yes I’ll be sure to get a set for my car). I can’t find my battery. I think it’s buried under this plastic. Dh is probably mad. He just noticed the car missing and said it’s too late to jump it. It’s still light out! 
 

 

478C5CB6-E48A-45CB-A64B-1E1EF492EAA0.jpeg

Long piece in the middle of the picture looks like the battery cover (it looks like a battery drawing on it)? Or it's the piece under the cutout in the bottom left and that's the piece you attach the jumper cables to. 

 

Edited by beckyjo

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I had looked there but I don’t think that’s right 

I am looking at user manual but still confused and can’t find battery on dh’s car either. He wants car back to haul stuff home 

E72ADE97-1452-4245-B162-B33EC35818A2.jpeg

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2 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Heart, in your situation, a car for yourself is a priority and does warrant discussion in a timely manner. You have mentioned time and time again when you have needed a car and your dh has mentioned out of no where that he needs it either at the same time or in the middle of when you need it. Having one vehicle isn't an option in your situation because your dh is unable or unwilling to communicate with you. His expectation that the car is his to use as he pleases however it effects you is inexcusable and don't let any other poster convince you that having your own car isn't incredibly important. You not having a car to use is another way that your dh gets to control you and that is a step backwards. You should have the car towed to a shop and taken care of. I know that would be expensive but if it gets a little more control back in your hands it is worth it.

Well, I’m not always in agreement with HeighHo, but she did NOT try to convince her that having her own car wasn’t important. Good grief, do we not stress reading comprehension around here? She gave her opinion on how she saw the Dh, and asked why Heart needed it done as priority THAT DAY. Nothing about how she doesn’t need a car.

HeighHo basically was telling her that if it was a top priority for Heart, then Heart should be the one to deal with the car. 

She asked for advice, she’s giving multiple daily reports on her misery, and just because someone offers up a suggestion that is an outlier to the rest does not make that person a meanie. 

 

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1 minute ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

Well, I’m not always in agreement with HeighHo, but she did NOT try to convince her that having her own car wasn’t important. Good grief, do we not stress reading comprehension around here? She gave her opinion on how she saw the Dh, and asked why Heart needed it done as priority THAT DAY. Nothing about how she doesn’t need a car.

HeighHo basically was telling her that if it was a top priority for Heart, then Heart should be the one to deal with the car. 

She asked for advice, she’s giving multiple daily reports on her misery, and just because someone offers up a suggestion that is an outlier to the rest does not make that person a meanie. 

 

She seems to think I stated a day... did I? No. I never said today even though I’m looking at my car now. She can use the reading comprehension help 

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Looks like the battery terminal is that metal piece at the lower left of the photo that’s peeking out of the plastic casing. That rectangular opening looks like it’s got a battery terminal showing. That box you opened is the fuse box.

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3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah, you should bow out because all you’re doing is twisting my posts.

I have autism because I called you insensitive? You can disagree with me/my worldview (didn’t know this was a worldview here) without bring a jerk. You question my ability to handle change or reactions I don’t like and I question your ability to read. I never said miss a day of work. Wth you’re a real piece of work. 
 

you constantly come into my threads saying how are your child’s issues (ie dd’s eyes) or suggesting Dh is the only adult here. What makes you think I’m hiding my mental health? He knew about the ADD form. He just didn’t know which dr gave it to me at first. He knows the results, too. 
 

She didn’t say you had autism. In the past dozens of pages, there’s been talk of sensory issues, adhd, all sorts of stuff. Having autism isn’t a bad thing, nor is asking someone if they’ve been tested, because it certainly was ok to ask if your husband was diagnosed with anything, correct? 

People here are not out to get you, they’re not doubting you or making light of your situation. I think you’ve allowed your husband to treat you like dirt, and are getting stronger, but somehow think others automatically want to put you down like he does. That’s not true.

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I try not to delay because “today” turns into “tomorrow” and so forth in this family. And the local auto shop may not be open on weekends... many local places are not. 

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1 minute ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

She didn’t say you had autism. In the past dozens of pages, there’s been talk of sensory issues, adhd, all sorts of stuff. Having autism isn’t a bad thing, nor is asking someone if they’ve been tested, because it certainly was ok to ask if your husband was diagnosed with anything, correct? 

People here are not out to get you, they’re not doubting you or making light of your situation. I think you’ve allowed your husband to treat you like dirt, and are getting stronger, but somehow think others automatically want to put you down like he does. That’s not true.

You haven’t seen the way HeighHo routinely talks to me probably. It’s usually patronizing and your Dh is not doing anything weird. You have the problem, heart and maybe it’s autism. 

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