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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m in a house. I don’t care if the next place is a house or duplex, townhome or apartment. Just something modern enough that I’m not worrying about bulbs popping because the wiring sucks. Or having just one toilet. 

 

Sounds like a good goal!  At least 1.5 bathrooms, and good wiring!

And to ask neighbors about maintenance crew before moving in. 

If you don’t want to take care of things yourself you’re probably best off renting, but finding newer apartment complex with better staff.  

We have only one toilet, but have a back up outhouse (old rural place).  And it does make a huge difference. 

During power outages and plumbing crises we have used a camp toilet—which if you have an area of garage or similar spot you can curtain off can give a second “toilet” 

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3 hours ago, Pen said:

 

Sounds like a good goal!  At least 1.5 bathrooms, and good wiring!

And to ask neighbors about maintenance crew before moving in. 

If you don’t want to take care of things yourself you’re probably best off renting, but finding newer apartment complex with better staff.  

We have only one toilet, but have a back up outhouse (old rural place).  And it does make a huge difference. 

During power outages and plumbing crises we have used a camp toilet—which if you have an area of garage or similar spot you can curtain off can give a second “toilet” 

If we must we have Dh use his library building key to get to another toilet but I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting myself into his building. 

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I applied to a few more jobs. 

Having car issues this week and still haven’t settled on a bed for ds.

dh said he’ll get back Monet from recent $60 purchase for homecoming. That water and coffee creamer stuff he bought s couple weeks ago went to the coffee service (water was sold) so he is not seeking money back for that (different funds). Still annoying. Like I just want to scream stop buying stuff for the coffee service. Ever. 

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28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I applied to a few more jobs. 

Having car issues this week and still haven’t settled on a bed for ds.

dh said he’ll get back Monet from recent $60 purchase for homecoming. That water and coffee creamer stuff he bought s couple weeks ago went to the coffee service (water was sold) so he is not seeking money back for that (different funds). Still annoying. Like I just want to scream stop buying stuff for the coffee service. Ever. 

 

I know the real frustration is your dh's irresponsibility with family finances, but maybe remembering that his library funds buy books you request would help you let go of the resentment for this particular matter. You do benefit directly from the library and not just because it pays your husband's salary.

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

 

I know the real frustration is your dh's irresponsibility with family finances, but maybe remembering that his library funds buy books you request would help you let go of the resentment. You do benefit directly from the library and not just because it pays your husband's salary.

So far, not really. In 7 years I’ve read The Well-Trained Mind copy he bought his library. The others o requested for delayed and delayed and one arrived but it wasn’t one I even care about much now. I’m still waiting on the book on sleep and others. I’d rather just buy them myself than deal with the hoops of the coffee service lol 

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Just had follow up with psychologist. I’m borderline. My mom’s answer key showed me as more severe than mine... inattentive. 
 

I talked to him about several obstacles in my life. He seems to think I can matter of factly set boundaries and just be like hey I’m getting a job and putting money in my own bank account. I’m sending Ds back to school unless you can help get him to bed on time and stop letting him extend his bedtime etc. I was like but there will be backlash. He said well I hope he doesn’t continue to beat your son to get him out of bed if he goes to school and if he yells at you walk away. If he tries to bust in the room and yell, call the cops. 

somehow I don’t see this as black & white as the dr. 

My appointment just ended. Dh normally goes to work at 1:00 but told me last night he has to go in at noon. Now I’m rushed. It will take me an hr to get home and it’s past 11. I’ll text him I can’t be there by noon. 

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It can certainly be as black and white as your Dr thinks. I mean your dh certainly acts in black and white when he makes decisions from you description. It is just a matter of deciding if that is the route you want to take.  With only hearing your account of things for a long time I'd certainly be making more decisions along the lines of what your Dr suggests if I were in that position. It certainly wouldn't be easy and would require a lot of strength but after years of what you get put through I'd like to think I was ready to put up strict boundaries. I mean I have in my own marriage recently(which you know about) but we are in quite different situations.

None of this is easy but just keep taking it one day at a time and keep making progress on your goals. 

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IIRC, You haven’t done black & white decision making wrt your husband.  My suggestion is to try it.   Be a ball-buster and have your phone ready to call 911 if he acts like a sh*thead.   What you’ve been doing does not work.  I think it’s time to turn the tables and  be ready to call the cops if needed.   That’s obv just my opinion, but what you’re doing is not working.  

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3 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

IIRC, You haven’t done black & white decision making wrt your husband.  My suggestion is to try it.   Be a ball-buster and have your phone ready to call 911 if he acts like a sh*thead.   What you’ve been doing does not work.  I think it’s time to turn the tables and  be ready to call the cops if needed.   That’s obv just my opinion, but what you’re doing is not working.  

 

What do you think would happen if she did this?

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1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

What do you think would happen if she did this?

I think he’d probably be stunned.  And maybe a little scared because she’s always accepted it.   And like I said, it’s only my opinion, she knows she doesn’t have to take my advice or anyone else’s.   Heart seems to feel she’s locked in to this life and it’s more than obvious she is incredibly miserable in it.  She is very strong, much more so than me.    And she has every right in the world to say, ‘enough. Things need to change.’    

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7 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

What do you think would happen if she did this?

Exactly.

Let’s assume that he is a jerk and police are called and she is granted a protection from abuse filing and given custody of the children until a hearing can be called. She is still in housing tied to her dh’s employer and presumably without income, with no vehicle titled to her.

There May be a time when OP is ready for that, but her plan is not in place and she doesn’t have things lined up.

There is a reason we have been encouraging her to get a job, have emergency savings, have documents lined up (tax returns, birth certificates, etc), etc.

OP would be well served to go to the pre-divorce consult to make sure her plans are properly set up....regardless of whether she and her dh ever split. Freedom comes in knowing you could safely leave if you choose to.

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Setting boundaries won't necessarily lead down the divorce road and the OP doesn't necessarily want divorce. If she were to put her foot down and say 'i am getting a job and that money is going into my own account' there is little her dh can actually do to stop her. He can object to it and called her names/become verbally abusive but he can't actually stop her. If he becomes physically abusive that is different but I'm not inclined to believe he would with the info OP has given. She doesn't need to go down the divorce route in order to set boundaries. Divorce may be inevitable once she starts making decisions for herself but that isn't an issue currently.

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You know, she has every right to set boundaries.   She has every right to protect her children.  Her psychologist, who I assume has more information than we do, gave the same advice we did.  It is ok for a woman to tell her husband, enough.   I would hope that Heart will never have to call the police.  I seriously doubt she will.  Nothing she has said about her dh indicates to me that he would go so far as to her needing to call 911.   But, if he did lose it over her setting some needed minor boundaries, she has the right to call 911.  Are there consequences?  Yes.  Would there be consequences to any decision? Yes. Heart is smart enough to decide if calling 911 is justified. 

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I can’t even fathom calling the police. The local ones supposedly suck and are short handed and the campus police know us so that would be super awkward. Like one guy hangs out with Dh in the library after hours. 

I recently took on the attitude that spending money is kind of a race. If I do it first, what’s he gonna do? I tried not to fret too much about my shopping. Yes, I bought more for myself recently... sewing supplies. But that’s mainly for Halloween. If money is so tight then he better turn in those receipts from the homecoming shopping ASAP. 
 

he wasn’t too pleased when he realized I went to a new dr (the psychologist) and asked how I paid. I said I didn’t tell you because it’s hard to. You’ll gripe. And I paid with the flex card. 

the psychologist agreed the original joint phone bill and turbo tax with his dad wasn’t great. He made it sound like oh well don’t worry too much but yes he’ll see your income tax time if you get a job. he doesn’t know about mil’s beneficiary comment. I didn’t get to talk to him that long in depth about everything. 
 

Dh really believes most of his debt will vanish in 10 years. Five more of school deferment and/or car loan? Then 5 more years of payments and student loans forgiven. Living room furniture paid off. But to me that means new expenses will be around the corner like a mortgage or another vehicle or ??? 
 

I said to the dr what’s to stop him from sharing our current money if I withhold mine (after future job)? He said he can choose to pay the bills or not. I thought the bills getting paid isn’t what I’m worried about.. it’s where will the rest go? Where will my grocery budget come from etc? 
 

yes boundaries are important but I’ve had a lot more time to think than he (the dr) has. My choices will have no effect on the dr. He said if it’s bad leave with the kids for a couple days. 
what does he think that looks like??? Drive to my parents? Yank Ds out of school if he’s returned? I don’t have an extra home down the street. Just seemed slightly short sighted to me. And advice from a man not a woman. Probably never feared his spouse’s reaction the way I have. 

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23 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I can’t even fathom calling the police. The local ones supposedly suck and are short handed and the campus police know us so that would be super awkward. Like one guy hangs out with Dh in the library after hours. 

I recently took on the attitude that spending money is kind of a race. If I do it first, what’s he gonna do? I tried not to fret too much about my shopping. Yes, I bought more for myself recently... sewing supplies. But that’s mainly for Halloween. If money is so tight then he better turn in those receipts from the homecoming shopping ASAP. 
 

he wasn’t too pleased when he realized I went to a new dr (the psychologist) and asked how I paid. I said I didn’t tell you because it’s hard to. You’ll gripe. And I paid with the flex card. 

the psychologist agreed the original joint phone bill and turbo tax with his dad wasn’t great. He made it sound like oh well don’t worry too much but yes he’ll see your income tax time if you get a job. he doesn’t know about mil’s beneficiary comment. I didn’t get to talk to him that long in depth about everything. 
 

Dh really believes most of his debt will vanish in 10 years. Five more of school deferment and/or car loan? Then 5 more years of payments and student loans forgiven. Living room furniture paid off. But to me that means new expenses will be around the corner like a mortgage or another vehicle or ??? 
 

I said to the dr what’s to stop him from sharing our current money if I withhold mine (after future job)? He said he can choose to pay the bills or not. I thought the bills getting paid isn’t what I’m worried about.. it’s where will the rest go? Where will my grocery budget come from etc? 
 

yes boundaries are important but I’ve had a lot more time to think than he (the dr) has. My choices will have no effect on the dr. He said if it’s bad leave with the kids for a couple days. 
what does he think that looks like??? Drive to my parents? Yank Ds out of school if he’s returned? I don’t have an extra home down the street. Just seemed slightly short sighted to me. And advice from a man not a woman. Probably never feared his spouse’s reaction the way I have. 

There is an unfortunate reality that women and children are vulnerable in ways that men are not. Mothers who are full time parents without income of their own are particularly vulnerable.

You will be less vulnerable and have more options once you have a job; if it doesn't happen this year that is OK, both your children will be school age soon and that will open up more possibilities.

The ways you feel stuck are not entirely imagined. They are not always entirely real either; high anxiety brains are good at seeing all the possible obstacles and things that can go wrong and can have trouble perceiving flexible opportunity. I think you've done remarkably well though just moving forward day to day. 

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1 minute ago, maize said:

There is an unfortunate reality that women and children are vulnerable in ways that men are not. Mothers who are full time parents without income of their own are particularly vulnerable.

You will be less vulnerable and have more options once you have a job; if it doesn't happen this year that is OK, both your children will be school age soon and that will open up more possibilities.

The ways you feel stuck are not entirely imagined. They are not always entirely real either; high anxiety brains are good at seeing all the possible obstacles and things that can go wrong and can have trouble perceiving flexible opportunity. I think you've done remarkably well though just moving forward day to day. 

Yes I agree. 

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3 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

You know, she has every right to set boundaries.   She has every right to protect her children.  

 

No. 
She has every right to protect her children from people who are not their father, but that isn't the situation here.

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9 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

No. 
She has every right to protect her children from people who are not their father, but that isn't the situation here.

 

This is a situation where I don’t understand the Mississippi law.  In much of USA the mother has not merely a right, but in fact an actual obligation to protect the children even from their own father.  

The Deep South may have different laws—or different realities.  

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23 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

No. 
She has every right to protect her children from people who are not their father, but that isn't the situation here.

What??  If her husband became violent, she is not allowed to contact police if needed?  

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8 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

This is a situation where I don’t understand the Mississippi law.  In much of USA the mother has not merely a right, but in fact an actual obligation to protect the children even from their own father.  

The Deep South may have different laws—or different realities.  

 

I don't see how anyone can have a legal obligation to protect their children from legal forms of abuse.

Anyway, differences in legal codes aside, if "just say no" was going to result in life transforming mildness, it would have worked the first time, and people can retaliate in all sorts of ways that aren't illegal, so you can't call the police for.

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2 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

What??  If her husband became violent, she is not allowed to contact police if needed?  

 

Of course she *can,* but that doesn't protect her or her children from the consequences, does it?

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Yeah I’m not seeking divorce now. I feel like it would cause more stress on the kids in a sense. Maybe one day but not now. 

My phone is acting up and the return key isn’t leaving consistent spacing without some trial & error. 
 

I’m trying to find a connection at one of the jobs I applied to this week. Maybe the Catholic assistant living center. I emailed a religious sister and she said she’d try to find out. They need someone to plan events & activities. No idea of salary. 
 

Dh and I agreed today that if Ds doesn’t shape up/I get a better one on one routine with him then we’ll put him in public school in the spring. Hopefully I won’t be going to so many dr appointments starting next week! Tomorrow is homecoming and Friday is a meeting with the school district to discuss speech for dd. Dh said there’s an effort to get employees exercising so he  can exercise 30 min/day “on the clock” and use that as an excuse a couple days a week to get dd out of our hair long enough to do say, history or ELA or something. Dd interrupted us and was restless in the furniture store the other day despite the Duplo table and offer of crayons. She’s just such high demands these days. I’m not mad or saying it’s developmentally odd, just stating it matter of factly. It’s just a huge challenge right now. Today I had the kids attend a game day I hosted. It was good for them to get to see other kids and I was able to pick up my medicine refill & a Christmas gift order at the mall. I was desperate the other day and asked the sitter if she was free but she said it wasn’t a good time because she had just fed kids and put them dish for a nap. Dd is older than everyone else she watches. After the bulk of the storm cleared I threw up my hands and took the kids bed shopping that day. School was clearly not happening. I was badgered as I finished my last two job apps since dd woke up and was trying to get me off the computer. It’s so hard to get things done.
 

Dh and I had an argument last night. we reacted badly and both took jabs. Dd fell asleep on the couch and wet herself. I was in bed and had to get back up and bathe her while dh tried to clean the couch. I said what are you doing that’s window cleaner? He couldn’t find the other cleaner and I went to look for the cleaning kit the furniture store supplied. He said it wasn’t his fault I couldn’t “keep a house.” (As in, in order/clean). I was mad and agreed internally ... but my family doesn’t help much, either. So that’s why I told myself yeah something has to give & it’s probably homeschool. I took a jab too because he referenced his “$2000 couch” and I said, “yeah the one you never bought.” (Paid off). The psychologist said you can’t bring up finances like that. I know, he’s right. However there’s barely any right time to talk to Dh about anything! He fatigues listening to me after 2 min and says that’s too much info. Sorry but really how do I communicate with him? He skims texts and emails and leaves the room when I start talking to sit down it go eat or SOMETHING. Always something. But he can game 4 hrs in the office. I started the conversation (the calm one) in the office! 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

However there’s barely any right time to talk to Dh about anything! He fatigues listening to me after 2 min and says that’s too much info. Sorry but really how do I communicate with him?

 

You don't unless it is unavoidable, and you keep it short.

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9 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

I don't see how anyone can have a legal obligation to protect their children from legal forms of abuse.

Anyway, differences in legal codes aside, if "just say no" was going to result in life transforming mildness, it would have worked the first time, and people can retaliate in all sorts of ways that aren't illegal, so you can't call the police for.

Yeah, seriously 

call the cops and say what? Dh is being a jerk or spanked our son? Not illegal. And corporate punishment was only removed from the local school district last year? 

dd wouldn’t get out if my face the other day and I smacked at her leg (She was crawling over into me) and felt awful, like a monster. I did apologize. I just think that’s at least better than saying it’s ok and deliberately choosing to use it as a punishment. I don’t know. We both need work. 

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2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

You don't unless it is unavoidable, and you keep it short.

I really tied. I answered his question about the dr and I told him I have a speech meeting concerning dd this Friday. He volunteered to watch her by taking an early lunch. I told him I don’t know if the plan for him to take dd on walks will work and asked if we should give Ds til the spring semester before making a final school decision. He said yes and then couldn’t sit still and left the room expecting me to follow if I wanted to continue talking. I gave up and ended the conversation. I forget now what else I wanted to say. 

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6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I really tied. I answered his question about the dr and I told him I have a speech meeting concerning dd this Friday. He volunteered to watch her by taking an early lunch. I told him I don’t know if the plan for him to take dd on walks will work and asked if we should give Ds til the spring semester before making a final school decision. He said yes and then couldn’t sit still and left the room expecting me to follow if I wanted to continue talking. I gave up and ended the conversation. I forget now what else I wanted to say. 

 

Too many words.
There's no need to discuss whether taking dd on walks will work. They either will or they won't.
If what you have to say is longer than Twitter allows, it's probably too long for him.

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17 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah, seriously 

call the cops and say what? Dh is being a jerk or spanked our son? Not illegal. And corporate punishment was only removed from the local school district last year? 

dd wouldn’t get out if my face the other day and I smacked at her leg (She was crawling over into me) and felt awful, like a monster. I did apologize. I just think that’s at least better than saying it’s ok and deliberately choosing to use it as a punishment. I don’t know. We both need work. 

I don’t think anyone would suggest calling the cops because dh was a jerk or gave your son a spanking.  When I suggested calling the cops, I meant because he beat you or beat one of the kids.  Like I said in another post, I don’t think it would come to that, at least based on what info you’ve shared. 

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12 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I don’t think anyone would suggest calling the cops because dh was a jerk or gave your son a spanking.  When I suggested calling the cops, I meant because he beat you or beat one of the kids.  Like I said in another post, I don’t think it would come to that, at least based on what info you’ve shared. 

 

No, but you are talking as though physical violence is the only type one needs to be perturbed about. You are talking as though if only she stood up to her husband, he'd start behaving properly. You think he'd be stunned and possibly a little scared if she stood up to him. You said that before. What do you think happens when you scare the person you rely on for money, and who part owns your children? 

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The psychologist knows Dh isn’t hitting me and he said call the cops if he won’t leave you alone — like I would clog up the 911 line to say my spouse is being rude or yelling. 

I don’t take using 911 lightly. I honestly would be more likely to call the non emergency line but you know we did call 911 to report an abandoned car smack in the interstate and they transferred our call once or twice or we had to call back. 911 here is a joke. 

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2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

No, but you are talking as though physical violence is the only type one needs to be perturbed about. You are talking as though if only she stood up to her husband, he'd start behaving properly. You think he'd be stunned and possibly a little scared if she stood up to him. You said that before. What do you think happens when you scare the person you rely on for money, and who part owns your children? 

I know physical abuse isn’t the only type of abuse.  I *lived it* as a child, from birth until I moved out.  I’ve been the child in her situation so perhaps I see this differently than some of you.   I do think standing up to the bully in my case would’ve made a difference.  Setting boundaries would’ve made a difference.   I’ll bow out of this convo from now on, since only certain advice is acceptable.  

Heart, I wish you much luck in dealing with your situation.   I hope you find happiness very soon.   (((Huge hugs))) 

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I suppose a part of me thinks what if I did something like got a job and asserted money control of some type... would he block me out of our Amazon account/credit card/bank or take his mom’s advice on changing the beneficiary or hop town with the kids or what. 
 

I doubt he would but I mean who knows what his parents would advise him if I got on everyone’s wrong side. 

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2 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I know physical abuse isn’t the only type of abuse.  I *lived it* as a child, from birth until I moved out.  I’ve been the child in her situation so perhaps I see this differently than some of you.   I do think standing up to the bully in my case would’ve made a difference.  Setting boundaries would’ve made a difference.   I’ll bow out of this convo from now on, since only certain advice is acceptable.  

Heart, I wish you much luck in dealing with your situation.   I hope you find happiness very soon.   (((Huge hugs))) 

It’s not about being acceptable; it’s about considering the ripple effect. I’m not sure the dr did that. 

For what it’s worth, the kids don’t see Dh as abusive. Dd wants a shirt that says I have the world’s best dad. 

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18 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I suppose a part of me thinks what if I did something like got a job and asserted money control of some type... would he block me out of our Amazon account/credit card/bank or take his mom’s advice on changing the beneficiary or hop town with the kids or what. 
 

I doubt he would but I mean who knows what his parents would advise him if I got on everyone’s wrong side. 

 

I think you may be having anxiety about things that are too future oriented.

When you get a job, you can start using some money (or benefits) in ways to help yourself—with details depending on the job. Where it’s located, how much it pays, what benefits it may provide...  Maybe you’ll end up with a computer you want and/or reliable transportation and/or health benefits that could make medical problems (yours or the kids or even dh’s) easier to handle...    bit by bit and depending where it is, maybe it would lead to a much more livable apartment either instead of or in addition to where you live now... 

 

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24 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

It’s not about being acceptable; it’s about considering the ripple effect. I’m not sure the dr did that. 

For what it’s worth, the kids don’t see Dh as abusive. Dd wants a shirt that says I have the world’s best dad. 

 

The kids often don't see the parent as abusive. My sister and I both lied to CPS not wanting to get removed, and we didn't realize how abnormal our lives were until adulthood. 

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4 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I think you may be having anxiety about things that are too future oriented.

When you get a job, you can start using some money (or benefits) in ways to help yourself—with details depending on the job. Where it’s located, how much it pays, what benefits it may provide...  Maybe you’ll end up with a computer you want and/or reliable transportation and/or health benefits that could make medical problems (yours or the kids or even dh’s) easier to handle...    bit by bit and depending where it is, maybe it would lead to a much more livable apartment either instead of or in addition to where you live now... 

 

I don’t know how to explain I agree with the bottom and yet still fear the things related to a power play with money. It feels hypocritical for me too in a sense. Like if I get my own account what’s to stop him from getting his own. It feels counter productive to tell him about the account in that sense to me. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know how to explain I agree with the bottom and yet still fear the things related to a power play with money. It feels hypocritical for me too in a sense. Like if I get my own account what’s to stop him from getting his own. It feels counter productive to tell him about the account in that sense to me. 

 

Yes.

But some of that is probably just fear of the unknown, fear of change...

There’s nothing to stop him from doing that anyway.  He may already have a secret account of his own.  He already does use $ for power plays from what you have described.

I’d presume that he’d be relatively happy to have you be able to afford an Apple computer yourself rather than to want him to get you one, or to be able to be making progress toward better housing, which might make housekeeping easier and create less personal and interpersonal stress...   maybe not, maybe he’ll be angry...   but I’d tell your anxiety that bringing in some money will not lead to a huge backlash. It isn’t like he has ordered you to be a stay at home spouse and you are going behind his back to find a job.  He’s told you about one job, and been aware that you’re applying for others.

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know how to explain I agree with the bottom and yet still fear the things related to a power play with money. It feels hypocritical for me too in a sense. Like if I get my own account what’s to stop him from getting his own. It feels counter productive to tell him about the account in that sense to me. 

What if he did have his own account? You both have your own savings accounts, and a joint account for household? The same amount goes into each account?

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5 minutes ago, arctic_bunny said:

What if he did have his own account? You both have your own savings accounts, and a joint account for household? The same amount goes into each account?

I can see a main account for bills but not necessarily splitting the rest evenly. 

Regarding backlash: I know he’s fine with me making money. I just don’t want him to think that means spend much more. Or get backlash for keeping any secret/away from him. Knowing we have $100 means we can spend $90, kwim? Like not leaving enough margin for error/savings/etc. I don’t feel like I’d even want him to know what I have if I had any. He’d want me to throw it in the pot that would consume it faster than keeping it separate. 

I don’t think he even realizes how much it costs to live in the city. He mentioned a house and I said how much to rent? We also discussed buying if the mortgage was cheaper than renting. But right now looking at say a 3 bd apt it’s already over $1000/mo. We pay a fraction of that. He wants a house. 

I have some things to research but need to know first how much jobs pay and if I will land one before I can truly research the housing options much (taking into account commute or schools). 

There is a real estate agent at church. I might ask him some general questions but last time I did he just urged me to move to this other town I have no desire to move to. Their public school is ok but I was dissatisfied with the medical there, me dentist, and they didn’t have a maternity ward. That was before dd was born. But I digress. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I can see a main account for bills but not necessarily splitting the rest evenly. 

Regarding backlash: I know he’s fine with me making money. I just don’t want him to think that means spend much more. Or get backlash for keeping any secret/away from him. Knowing we have $100 means we can spend $90, kwim? Like not leaving enough margin for error/savings/etc. I don’t feel like I’d even want him to know what I have if I had any. He’d want me to throw it in the pot that would consume it faster than keeping it separate. 

 

I apologize. I meant the same $x into your account and his account, the rest into household. Then you are each able to spend/save that $x however you like.

That’s sort of how our finances work, at DH’s request. He likes to have an overall picture that we are secure in the finance department, but wants no day-to-day knowledge, as he knows he will get ideas of how to spend it. So he has a self-imposes low limit credit card and a savings account. Everything is in both our names. I give him a financial snapshot occasionally. He also uses our chequing account for household stuff (buying supper when our family goes out, landscaping materials, oil changes, etc), but all the “needs” are automatically transferred out every payday, so all that’s left is cushion, however little that may be.

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Oh I see. I don’t know if we could agree on an amount and what account I had to use to pay for things for the kids. I remember he once made an earring out budget that reflected food for all of us and it was lopsided. A fixed amount I could allocate toward dining out food or not would make sense. Like an amount he could use toward movies etc. but when it’s gone it’s gone. not sure where he’d expect my gas money to come from, though. 

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25 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t think he even realizes how much it costs to live in the city. He mentioned a house and I said how much to rent? We also discussed buying if the mortgage was cheaper than renting. But right now looking at say a 3 bd apt it’s already over $1000/mo. We pay a fraction of that. He wants a house. 

 

Try and agree to do whatever impossible thing he wants, but some time in the indeterminate future. If it is impossible, there's more benefit to a vague "Wow, that'd be so nice." Agreeing with him without actually agreeing TO anything, kwim?

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Wish I could like your posts, Rosie. 
 

now he’s home and all stressed over cooking for homecoming. I asked him earlier today why are you cooking for so many people? How did that fall on you? He said because he’s a director and I said please, I doubt the last one did this. He said she had money and bought stuff. He’s trying to save money. 
 

as I’m typing this none of that adds up!! If you’re getting reimbursed why wouldn’t you just buy premade food? 
 

now he’s complaining about the state of the kitchen and telling dd you don’t want a dirty kitchen like this. I’m not saying anything. The dishwasher just finished running and I still have stuff in the sink. I never catch up. 

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51 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I can see a main account for bills but not necessarily splitting the rest evenly. 

 

You could perhaps each have x for personal use in your personal accounts and the rest in a household bills account 

51 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Regarding backlash: I know he’s fine with me making money. I just don’t want him to think that means spend much more.

Knowing that, maybe you want to look for or negotiate for benefits more than salary or $/hour.  

51 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Or get backlash for keeping any secret/away from him. Knowing we have $100 means we can spend $90, kwim? Like not leaving enough margin for error/savings/etc. I don’t feel like I’d even want him to know what I have if I had any. He’d want me to throw it in the pot that would consume it faster than keeping it separate. 

I don’t think he even realizes how much it costs to live in the city. He mentioned a house and I said how much to rent? We also discussed buying if the mortgage was cheaper than renting. But right now looking at say a 3 bd apt it’s already over $1000/mo. We pay a fraction of that. He wants a house. 

I have some things to research but need to know first how much jobs pay and if I will land one before I can truly research the housing options much (taking into account commute or schools). 

There is a real estate agent at church. I might ask him some general questions but last time I did he just urged me to move to this other town I have no desire to move to. Their public school is ok but I was dissatisfied with the medical there, me dentist, and they didn’t have a maternity ward. That was before dd was born. But I digress. 

 

Would you prefer to keep things as they are now?

Maybe the existing situation, however bad, feels better to you than getting a job. 

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There are a few things wrong with the way things are now. I do think a job and living closer to the city would be better than keeping things as is, but if I don’t get a job right away the main concern is juggling the needs of the kids and I’ll put Ds in school if I can’t improve that soon. 

My car wouldn’t start this week and I discussed it with my dad. Dh doesn’t think it’s the battery but hasn’t actually looked at it. When I brought it up he snapped that one thing at a time, first is homecoming. I will be relieved to physically be closer to auto shops etc. My dad’s suggestion was see if we can jump start it and have Dh follow me to the nearest Autozone etc. I guess my car will be sitting here all weekend at this rate. I don’t think I can get Dh to follow me anywhere soon. I’ve been using his car and the air pressure warning came on while I was on the way to the dr. I pulled over and put air in the low tire. I guess I’ll call our car ins. and see if they will come out and look at it. I don’t know what services are covered. 

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Campus just got put on lockdown. There’s supposedly an active shooter situation. Ugh. I hope it’s just a misunderstanding about who’s shooting where. I hear guns in town all the time and this machine that deters wildlife from someone’s yard so I never know what’s going on. 

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

It’s not about being acceptable; it’s about considering the ripple effect. I’m not sure the dr did that. 

For what it’s worth, the kids don’t see Dh as abusive. Dd wants a shirt that says I have the world’s best dad. 

they're young.  they don't know any different, especially your dd.  In their experience - this is normal.  As they get older, and spend time with friends at their homes - they'll start to notice how their friends father's treat their mother, how their friends' father's treat their friends, etc.  and they'll see a difference.

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Right, they may not know now but realize later. My point was it’s hard to justify separating them from a dad that they don’t see in a bad light. Or at least hard to explain to them if I had to. 
 

So last night’s soap opera here: there was some guy on an ATV (can’t remember if it was stolen) and he crashed it into the front of the campus. Police approached him and he fired at an officer. He ran off on foot and was not located. First I heard that 3rd hand (more like 4th or 5th) from a friend whose daughter is a student and got that story from her friend who got it from a faculty member. Today the story was confirmed in an email Dh received. My guess is he’s trying to lay low and won’t affect homecoming festivities. I’m taking kids on campus to play games & eat this afternoon. 
 

Meanwhile Dh was up cooking off meat and didn’t defrost it all by mistake. Ds couldn’t sleep after the shooting news and was helping Dh in the kitchen. I heard Dh yell at Ds over something and urged Ds to go back to bed. I called Ds to me and I said, “what just happened in there? Did you drop food or something?” Ds said dad hit him. I said what, where?? And he rubbed his collarbone area and said dad slapped him there. I said that’s not ok. I said he better apologize. Before I could finish talking to Ds, Dh called him back in the kitchen and talked to him. I couldn’t hear. I called Ds back to me and Dh yelled for me to give them a minute. I never got to hear more, but I know he wasn’t yelling at Ds. He was possibly apologizing. 

Fast forward. This morning is when Dh told me not all meat defrosted and asked if I’d cook off the rest. I said no and he seemed upset/guilt trippy. That’s where I’m drawing my boundary. I’m not making food for the event. 
 

wheh Dh is gone and Ds is awake I’ll have a one-on-one with him about what happened. While they were cooking I remember thinking about the psychologist’s words... Dh shouldn’t keep Ds up to have a body to watch tv or video game with. I was trying to get Ds to bed as it’s dh’s burden to deal with the food. Honestly I would have probably bought some trays of meat or something of it was me. He said he didn’t want the food sitting out that long and I said but you still got meat and he said he’s making sliders and has a way to keep them warm (I think those warmers from his coffee service that was from then they did hot food actually belong to us). 
 

ETA: spoke to Dh and he said Ds didn’t follow directions with rolls and got hamburger meat all over them and Dh tried to slap the package of rolls toward the garbage but Ds moved and he caught his shoulder area with his finger or hand. He did apologize and felt badly. I said I don’t want Ds staying up late to do things like that. He said he did try to send him to bed at one point. 
 

I think Dh is a little frustrated I won’t get dressed and help him load the car with the food. For me it’s the principle. I’m just annoyed at the level of work he thinks he needs to put in for the job. His coworker was only tasked to bring crackers I think and she didn’t even do that. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Glad you are setting that boundary and aren't helping him. I'd have a really hard time not laughing at my dh if he had the balls to ask for help with something he knows I'm totally not ok with(spending family funds on work functions.) 

My dh used to spend our money on things for his work and not get reimbursed. It was hard to get him to stop because he viewed the things as necessary. My first step to get it to stop was to stand my ground in regards to not being a part of anything that had to do with him spending our money on work stuff. 

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