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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Growing up I never remember this happening! I lived in bigger towns/cities. It’s random, doesn’t seem planned, and last time I barely found out about the water boil notice but saw something on Facebook or called the water dept and asked. I have never received formal notices and don’t think it’s usually planned maintenance. I will ask the woman at the office next time to see but I’m pretty sure last time I asked I was told there wasn’t an official notice everyone gets. 

That's scary. The one time I was under a boil water notice for our community well, they put a notice on all of our doors (meaning the front door, back door and side door) and left a phone message. This was in the days before internet/voice mail/texting.

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Just now, TechWife said:

That's scary. The one time I was under a boil water notice for our community well, they put a notice on all of our doors (meaning the front door, back door and side door) and left a phone message. This was in the days before internet/voice mail/texting.

Yes! And I think I was nursing and having to boil baby bottles at the time. No notices on doors.  

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This is a pic from April I sent to my sisters, long before the pipe clog. I’ve had lots of conversations about filters but wasn’t convinced it would make it less gross. In another home we used a Brit’s pitcher bit flakes of old galvanized pipe would float in it ew. So I just didn’t feel very confident in filters. 

Sometimes it comes out all dingy like this. Sometimes darker. Not sure if you can tell from the photo. 

 

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I have flushed the water for certain reasons before but if I flushed it everytime it came out brown for 30 seconds I’d be flushing my pipes several times a month. 15 min of running water to use it. 

The dishwasher is mid cycle right now, too. And it is portable so it’s tying up the sink faucet. 

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Dh said we did get a folded up paper with a boil water alert attached on/near the door knob in the past. I guess I never saw it or didn’t remember. 

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The color has been there before we even owned a dishwasher. There were some rust stains in the tub when we moved in but the tub is in bad shape overall. Needs to be refinished but they won’t do it. 

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

This is a pic from April I sent to my sisters, long before the pipe clog. I’ve had lots of conversations about filters but wasn’t convinced it would make it less gross. In another home we used a Brit’s pitcher bit flakes of old galvanized pipe would float in it ew. So I just didn’t feel very confident in filters. 

 

I don’t really know anything about Brit pitcher or water in your area or individual house.  I think each situation needs to be addressed on its own 

We have very high iron — much of the soil around is reddish too.  

One pic below shows what happens to white fabric washed in our iron containing water (dressy whites have to be carefully hand washed in filtered water) — but passed through the Berkey the rust is removed as you can see in the white cup.  (Our upper Berkey reservoir is stained golden by the rust, but the lower stays stainless steel silver color.)

that said, our iron is aesthetically unappealing, and doesn’t taste good, but it isn’t at a level considered a health hazard

So what you can do would depend on what is actually going on in your water

Plastics aren’t great either imo

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I'm still catching up on this thread but wanted to respond to a few things before moving on.

 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:01 PM, Pen said:

 

Could you Try to change your inner self talk to Yay! He’s drying a dish! Or whatever and dispute your own feeling bothered by”wrong” towel?

I’d be bothered if a dirty floor mat or dog drying or car washing towel were used on dishes.  A hand towel? No.  If someone dries hands on towel then touches dishes or if someone touches dish direct with hand towel, so what? 

 

Yes, and maybe just leave the room so you don't have to see what he's doing. Just accept that he does things differently but they get done nonetheless. 

I loved my mother and I miss her terribly, but I still recognize her faults. One big one was that she believed there were two ways of doing things - her way and the wrong way. It's a philosophy that leaves you with no one doing anything to help because they don't want to be criticized for doing things differently. 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:01 PM, hjffkj said:

 

There are things that I do differently than dh, like loading the dishwasher. He is so inefficient at it. But I don't stop him from doing it. I will rearrange things if I open it to put something in a notice that it is a messy. I do that when my mom loads it too. But I'd never mention that unless they were to ask, which my mom has done. I simply reply, " more fits if arranged this way."

 

I too rearrange the dishwasher as we start using more dishes (I run mine every other day) it makes sense to rearrange. When dh called me on it once, I pointed out that I also rearrange the items I put in. Sometimes you just need to make room for dishes that weren't dirty when you first loaded it.

 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:08 PM, PeachyDoodle said:

I wash all laundry in cold water. It saves a little energy, and if the clothes are going in the dryer it's hot enough to kill most everything.

So do I. There was a time when washing in hot water was necessary because detergents didn't work efficiently in cold water. Those days are long gone but we hold on to the belief that hot water = cleaner than cold water.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/why-are-you-still-washing-your-clothes-in-warm-water-1706931003

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17 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

so rust color means the water is hard -- has lots of iron. 

If you remove the lid of the toilet tank, what does the bottom of the tank look like?

the thing with the dishwasher is  that it uses a lot of water at once...so it stirs up any sediment that has been sitting in the pipes. you have to let the water run if that happens. 

can you tell if the brown water is from the cold supply or the hot supply?

is the brown water only coming from bathroom tub faucet?

a cold water line does not need a fifteen minute flush: https://www.hunker.com/12335314/how-to-flush-water-pipes-in-a-home

 

I don’t remember what side but if Ds was trying to prepare for a shower he might have turned on both or the hot. 

The entire tank behind toilet is deep brown. Like all the water not just the bottom. 

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Kinda gross, but would u like pic of my toilet tank where problem is known to be high iron (also some manganese) in water to compare?

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On 10/7/2019 at 1:06 PM, Scarlett said:

Yes, I know.  But the default is that both parents have equal rights.

 

 

Yes. Sort of like women now have equal right as men to enter military without an automatic presumption against a woman being a soldier.

But in actuality there may or may not be 50-50 women and men in military.  

“Equal rights” doesn’t legally mean equal distribution.

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I don’t know if I still have my long gloves. I don’t want to put my hand in there now. 

Kids were sent to bed at 7 but wouldn’t sleep/settle down til 10 or so. Dd tried to spend time with Dh and kept bugging him while he was using the computer. Ds said he didn’t feel well this morning. Complained of headache. He had his eyes checked recently and wears his glasses so it’s not that. I feel like this school year is so unproductive. 

Dh really considers a gaming PC a “need.” I told him that’s not a need. He said for him it is. He’ll go crazy without that outlet or whatever. I pointed out I have never gotten a new Mac and he said he can remove his memory hog game and give me his old pic. I pointed out I’m sick of him always buying new stuff for himself then giving me the hand me downs. He said fine we both get a computer. I said we can’t afford that. I mentioned ds’ empty bank folder and he said he knows how much should be in there (over $200). 

He’s just selfish. I don’t even want to necessarily go to work now. I feel stuck. Dd isn’t school age so any job now means scrambling to find a place for her. It stresses me out. 

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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know if I still have my long gloves. I don’t want to put my hand in there now. 

Kids were sent to bed at 7 but wouldn’t sleep/settle down til 10 or so. Dd tried to spend time with Dh and kept bugging him while he was using the computer. Ds said he didn’t feel well this morning. Complained of headache. He had his eyes checked recently and wears his glasses so it’s not that. I feel like this school year is so unproductive. 

Dh really considers a gaming PC a “need.” I told him that’s not a need. He said for him it is. He’ll go crazy without that outlet or whatever. I pointed out I have never gotten a new Mac and he said he can remove his memory hog game and give me his old pic. I pointed out I’m sick of him always buying new stuff for himself then giving me the hand me downs. He said fine we both get a computer. I said we can’t afford that. I mentioned ds’ empty bank folder and he said he knows how much should be in there (over $200). 

He’s just selfish. I don’t even want to necessarily go to work now. I feel stuck. Dd isn’t school age so any job now means scrambling to find a place for her. It stresses me out. 

He's either addicted to gaming or he's using gaming to meet unmet mental health needs.  (BTW- this is common among men esp. with ASD or ADHD.  It helps them to deal with sensory overload even as it bombards them with sensory stuff - but on a virtual level only.)

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Yes, I’m sure there are reasons. But I think it’s messed up to say that’s a need that has to be met... what about my needs? I usually have to wait on big purchases or settle. 

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Would you take a substitute teacher position for $10/hr? That seems kinda low? 

I contacted the school via letter (email) and requested speech for dd. 

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26 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

There is no need to put your hand in the tank.  Just look on the bottom.   And look in the bowl to see if the water is discolored there all the time, or just when its discolored in the shower/tub.

The next thing you need to do is figure out which faucets have brown water coming out, and if its the hot or cold water. 

I don’t know what I’m looking at. 

Toilet bowl water is fine, not murky. But occasionally a light brown or yellowish tint. 

 

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If I needed to get out of the house and possibly leave, yes.  Just to get my foot in the door.  You only work when you can, so it doesn’t need to be daily.  But what about your kids?  

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Can you just take a sample to the water department and not worry with all this toilet stuff?   Just take a sample.  Don’t stress yourself out more.   (((Hugs))) if I lived nearby, I’d help you any way I could.  Seriously.  

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7 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

If I needed to get out of the house and possibly leave, yes.  Just to get my foot in the door.  You only work when you can, so it doesn’t need to be daily.  But what about your kids?  

I’d have to send ds to dh’s library and send dd to the sitter. I’d still make a profit but if I dod it too often I’d feel bad. I don’t know how often you are expected to accept sub jobs. 

This is the school near my house that ds attended. It says high needs whatever that means. It was the only one rated above D or F in the district last school district report. 

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I think the daily part is if they ask you to do it semi-permanently like if a teacher is on maternity leave.  In that case, it’s possible you’d need to make lesson plans.  I would not make lesson plans for $10 an hour.   I would wait a bit longer and see if you hear from the other job, the one you were excited about. In fact, you might want to follow up with them and make sure they’ve received your resume.  

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I just noticed it says daily. 

Looks like a general substitute position, doesn't mean you have to go in daily. Not unless you accept a particular longer term assignment; usually the school will keep a list of subs and call when they have a need, you can accept or reject for a given day. If you always reject they may stop calling you but my friends who substitute don't have a problem just going in on days that work for them. It is flexible in that it can work around your life.

I think I'd like to try substituting when I no longer have littles underfoot.

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If this has been asked before or if you’ve stated it before, I’m sorry—I’m on painkillers and am in pain right this second, which is probably why I’m so talkative. Painkillers do that to me.   But... are you primarily looking for work in the newspaper industry or ad industry?  What did you say your computer experience is in?    Also, Lynda.com (now called linkd in learning or something like that) has classes on everything computer-y, and I think you can make a linkd-in account and put that on your account—you know, say you took so-and-so class through Linkd in.  It would probably look good on your linkd ok account to potential employers.  

Forgive me if this doesn’t make sense. I’m trying

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On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

If this has been asked before or if you’ve stated it before, I’m sorry—I’m on painkillers and am in pain right this second, which is probably why I’m so talkative. Painkillers do that to me.   But... are you primarily looking for work in the newspaper industry or ad industry?  What did you say your computer experience is in?    Also, Lynda.com (now called linkd in learning or something like that) has classes on everything computer-y, and I think you can make a linkd-in account and put that on your account—you know, say you took so-and-so class through Linkd in.  It would probably look good on your linkd ok account to potential employers.  

Forgive me if this doesn’t make sense. I’m trying

No worries. 

My degree (BA) is in advertising. I have worked at 2 newspapers. The larger one had its own press and we did everything in house. It was a 6 day a week publication. I worked M-F. We prepared the pages with ads on Friday and news finished them on Saturday for the Sunday edition. That paper is owned by the same person that owns another where I applied. 

I applied to a couple other jobs and don’t know which one I favor work/money-wise. One is a graphic design job with a wider pay range than the newspaper. Another is a marketing job over the mall and another was for public relations for Miss. Public Broadcasting with a strong emphasis in written media.

the school substitute idea was just because I saw it available nearby. 

Thd kids and I made some cleaning progress on our office last night. I’m just really rusty with the VIPKID stuff and am nervous to reapply. I need practice; it’s not natural the way they require specific gestures etc. I could only guarantee a couple classes a week on Saturday mornings before my disruptive family woke up. The pay would probably be roughly $16/hr. 

I do have a linked in account. I didn’t know they were now Lynda. Lynda cost money. 

I can’t do most relevant classes as I do not have the means to follow along. I don’t have adobe creative cloud. 

At home I use Gimp, Scribus, and Affinity Designer for my needs. Gimp & Scribus are free and Affinity does not require a subscription. I own it. I’m going to try to download Inkscape as it’s comparable to Illustrator but I don’t know if dh’s computer can handle it. 

My computer skills on my resume list Photoshop, InDesign, QuarkXpress, Affinity Designer, Gimp and Scribus. 

 

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1 minute ago, maize said:

On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

Right 😕 

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3 minutes ago, maize said:

On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

If Heart had a steady paycheck (and possibly even with an intermittent paycheck from the same recurring employer), then she could do what some have wondered if her husband has done.  She could divert part of that check each pay day to a separate savings account so that he just sees and has access to the remainder. 

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3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If Heart had a steady paycheck (and possibly even with an intermittent paycheck from the same recurring employer), then she could do what some have wondered if her husband has done.  She could divert part of that check each pay day to a separate savings account so that he just sees and has access to the remainder. 

I’ve thought of this but with such a small check and Dh and my fil doing taxes I feel like this would become apparent. 😔

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Just now, heartlikealion said:

I’ve thought of this but with such a small check and Dh and my fil doing taxes I feel like this would become apparent. 😔

Ah yes, the tax thing would definitely show money going to a separate account. 

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Just now, Jean in Newcastle said:

Ah yes, the tax thing would definitely show money going to a separate account. 

I was wondering if it’s better to just get more cash back and move funds 

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Right 😕 

Heart I agree with  Maize....without solving the problem you have—-different views of money and priorities—-more money won’t help you. 

What is your plan for your children if you get a job? 

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Heart I agree with  Maize....without solving the problem you have—-different views of money and priorities—-more money won’t help you. 

What is your plan for your children if you get a job? 

If dd was school age (in the fall) I’d enroll them both in a brick & mortar school. Bit right now I’d probably default to paying the sitter. Ds gets off work at 3:30 most days do he could pick her up after work. The sitter is in town. He said he’d consider sending her to the local daycare but I don’t think I’d do that. The sitter doesn’t even charge a lot. I left her there 2-3 hrs last week and she’d only take $5. Sometimes I give her extra. The daycare provides breakfast & lunch but I’ve heard not so great things. When I send her to the sitter I always send her a lunch bag. 

The money would mainly just be to help me set some aside. 

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Could you open up a savings account in only your name and do direct deposit?  That’s not necessarily hiding anything, but he can’t touch it.  If he complains (he will) and say it’s ‘our’ money, say “great! I’m saving in case we have an emergency one day and need it. That money will be there!”  Meanwhile, he doesn’t have to know the real ‘emergency’ may be just saving towards something else but it’s your money and in your name.    If he kicks up a fuss, oh well. 

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Well he works til 9 one day but if I was at the school I could probably pick her up myself. I don’t know how late subs have to stay. She doesn’t usually watch kids past about 3:30 (watches kids of faculty). 

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

Could you open up a savings account in only your name and do direct deposit?  That’s not necessarily hiding anything, but he can’t touch it.  If he complains (he will) and say it’s ‘our’ money, say “great! I’m saving in case we have an emergency one day and need it. That money will be there!”  Meanwhile, he doesn’t have to know the real ‘emergency’ may be just saving towards something else but it’s your money and in your name.    If he kicks up a fuss, oh well. 

I have one but I worry splitting checks would show up. 

And he cannot know. He is crazy. He said if I ever opened one I’d have to hand over the money when he asked. 

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I have a friend in a marriage that sounds somewhat similar to Heart's; her husband earns comfortably over six figures and still, there is always money for his priorities but she has to fight tooth  and nail for hers. He has pressured her for years to get a full time job (she has always done some part time and free lance work) but she knows that if she does she would still be left with 90+% of the parenting and household responsibilities. He is not the sort take off work himself when a child is sick, or needs to be taken to orthodontics appointments, or there is an IEP meeting at school, or...

I do think Heart would have more opportunities and flexibility and options if she has a job, but I think something with real career potential is likely the best path. 

Edited by maize
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Crazy was a poor word. Controlling with the money and having poor ideas of what is a need. I’ll probably have Rosie delete this thread soon just because of all I’ve shared. 

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I think you said you have an IRA from before you were married? Is it a Roth? 

If you could deposit part of a paycheck into a Roth IRA, especially one that has already been open a few years, that could serve as emergency savings for you. You could be adamant that saving for retirement is your top priority and he couldn't access the money, but should a real emergency arise (say, the need to leave your marriage) you could access any money you had deposited (not earnings on that money) without penalty. The account has to have been open for at least five years for no penalty withdrawals.

My 16 year old just got a job and as soon as she has enough saved up for minimum deposits I'm going to have her open a Roth.

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I have one but I worry splitting checks would show up. 

And he cannot know. He is crazy. He said if I ever opened one I’d have to hand over the money when he asked. 

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

He could withhold household funds for other things and insist she has to use the money she saved first.

Someone who wants to be controlling about things can find lots of ways.

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1 minute ago, Thatboyofmine said:

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

Well for one it would probably happen when he’s with my fil and then that whole side of the family will gang up on me and what a s#itty wife I am... 

and then his mom will probably push the sister as beneficiary idea again... 

that’s not something that would blow over in a day. 

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4 minutes ago, maize said:

I think you said you have an IRA from before you were married? Is it a Roth? 

If you could deposit part of a paycheck into a Roth IRA, especially one that has already been open a few years, that could serve as emergency savings for you. You could be adamant that saving for retirement is your top priority and he couldn't access the money, but should a real emergency arise (say, the need to leave your marriage) you could access any money you had deposited (not earnings on that money) without penalty. The account has to have been open for at least five years for no penalty withdrawals.

My 16 year old just got a job and as soon as she has enough saved up for minimum deposits I'm going to have her open a Roth.

Yes Roth IRA but I’d rather not combine it there. 

If I go back to work at least one of those jobs would offer me a 401k. That would be some peace of mind I guess. 

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Heart, my offer stands about contacting my family in north miss and mobile.  I’ll do whatever I can to help you out.  They may even know someone in your area that might can help you out.   PM me if you need me.  Seriously, I don’t mind.  

In  these situations, it’s hard for me to give good advice and keep my emotions out of it.  That’s why I offer to contact those I know irl who might could help.  Im much more of a ‘just come right out and tell him to go to hell’ type of person. I realize though that you’re a more patient person and thankfully not the bitch that I am.   The times you’ve gotten upset and regretted it—well, I’m sure many people would’ve gone way beyond that, so you’re doing great, whether you feel that way or not.   You probably feel like you’re constantly trudging uphill and there’s never a summit to reach.  I’m sorry.  You deserve better.   Please do PM me if you need to. 

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Just wanted you to know that I'm keeping you in my prayers. You're an intelligent woman dealing with a lot of big stuff. Keep trying, OK?

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