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I will do my best not to be too harsh.   The problem isn't you, it's your DH.   What I am reading is that he has things he's supposed to take care of, but then, he doesn't.  So then, kn

You GUYS!!!  I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. Th

Well, I dunno if it's actually gaslighting or not...I am not really up on trendy pop psychology terms.   But I can tell you that if my spouse EVER......*EVER*....implied that he should "just

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26 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

There is no need to put your hand in the tank.  Just look on the bottom.   And look in the bowl to see if the water is discolored there all the time, or just when its discolored in the shower/tub.

The next thing you need to do is figure out which faucets have brown water coming out, and if its the hot or cold water. 

I don’t know what I’m looking at. 

Toilet bowl water is fine, not murky. But occasionally a light brown or yellowish tint. 

 

470CFF3A-AB27-4713-B882-E2E7530C9701.jpeg

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7 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

If I needed to get out of the house and possibly leave, yes.  Just to get my foot in the door.  You only work when you can, so it doesn’t need to be daily.  But what about your kids?  

I’d have to send ds to dh’s library and send dd to the sitter. I’d still make a profit but if I dod it too often I’d feel bad. I don’t know how often you are expected to accept sub jobs. 

This is the school near my house that ds attended. It says high needs whatever that means. It was the only one rated above D or F in the district last school district report. 

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I think the daily part is if they ask you to do it semi-permanently like if a teacher is on maternity leave.  In that case, it’s possible you’d need to make lesson plans.  I would not make lesson plans for $10 an hour.   I would wait a bit longer and see if you hear from the other job, the one you were excited about. In fact, you might want to follow up with them and make sure they’ve received your resume.  

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I just noticed it says daily. 

Looks like a general substitute position, doesn't mean you have to go in daily. Not unless you accept a particular longer term assignment; usually the school will keep a list of subs and call when they have a need, you can accept or reject for a given day. If you always reject they may stop calling you but my friends who substitute don't have a problem just going in on days that work for them. It is flexible in that it can work around your life.

I think I'd like to try substituting when I no longer have littles underfoot.

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If this has been asked before or if you’ve stated it before, I’m sorry—I’m on painkillers and am in pain right this second, which is probably why I’m so talkative. Painkillers do that to me.   But... are you primarily looking for work in the newspaper industry or ad industry?  What did you say your computer experience is in?    Also, Lynda.com (now called linkd in learning or something like that) has classes on everything computer-y, and I think you can make a linkd-in account and put that on your account—you know, say you took so-and-so class through Linkd in.  It would probably look good on your linkd ok account to potential employers.  

Forgive me if this doesn’t make sense. I’m trying

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On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

If this has been asked before or if you’ve stated it before, I’m sorry—I’m on painkillers and am in pain right this second, which is probably why I’m so talkative. Painkillers do that to me.   But... are you primarily looking for work in the newspaper industry or ad industry?  What did you say your computer experience is in?    Also, Lynda.com (now called linkd in learning or something like that) has classes on everything computer-y, and I think you can make a linkd-in account and put that on your account—you know, say you took so-and-so class through Linkd in.  It would probably look good on your linkd ok account to potential employers.  

Forgive me if this doesn’t make sense. I’m trying

No worries. 

My degree (BA) is in advertising. I have worked at 2 newspapers. The larger one had its own press and we did everything in house. It was a 6 day a week publication. I worked M-F. We prepared the pages with ads on Friday and news finished them on Saturday for the Sunday edition. That paper is owned by the same person that owns another where I applied. 

I applied to a couple other jobs and don’t know which one I favor work/money-wise. One is a graphic design job with a wider pay range than the newspaper. Another is a marketing job over the mall and another was for public relations for Miss. Public Broadcasting with a strong emphasis in written media.

the school substitute idea was just because I saw it available nearby. 

Thd kids and I made some cleaning progress on our office last night. I’m just really rusty with the VIPKID stuff and am nervous to reapply. I need practice; it’s not natural the way they require specific gestures etc. I could only guarantee a couple classes a week on Saturday mornings before my disruptive family woke up. The pay would probably be roughly $16/hr. 

I do have a linked in account. I didn’t know they were now Lynda. Lynda cost money. 

I can’t do most relevant classes as I do not have the means to follow along. I don’t have adobe creative cloud. 

At home I use Gimp, Scribus, and Affinity Designer for my needs. Gimp & Scribus are free and Affinity does not require a subscription. I own it. I’m going to try to download Inkscape as it’s comparable to Illustrator but I don’t know if dh’s computer can handle it. 

My computer skills on my resume list Photoshop, InDesign, QuarkXpress, Affinity Designer, Gimp and Scribus. 

 

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1 minute ago, maize said:

On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

Right 😕 

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3 minutes ago, maize said:

On the one hand, your family budget seems to be tight enough that if substituting a few days each month would net you an extra $100 that you could put towards your own priorities it might be worth it.

On the other hand, I suspect your husband's ability to spend money will always keep up with whatever money there is so if he sees any money you bring in as freeing up more funds for him it might just disappear as fast as you could earn it.

If Heart had a steady paycheck (and possibly even with an intermittent paycheck from the same recurring employer), then she could do what some have wondered if her husband has done.  She could divert part of that check each pay day to a separate savings account so that he just sees and has access to the remainder. 

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3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If Heart had a steady paycheck (and possibly even with an intermittent paycheck from the same recurring employer), then she could do what some have wondered if her husband has done.  She could divert part of that check each pay day to a separate savings account so that he just sees and has access to the remainder. 

I’ve thought of this but with such a small check and Dh and my fil doing taxes I feel like this would become apparent. 😔

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Right 😕 

Heart I agree with  Maize....without solving the problem you have—-different views of money and priorities—-more money won’t help you. 

What is your plan for your children if you get a job? 

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Heart I agree with  Maize....without solving the problem you have—-different views of money and priorities—-more money won’t help you. 

What is your plan for your children if you get a job? 

If dd was school age (in the fall) I’d enroll them both in a brick & mortar school. Bit right now I’d probably default to paying the sitter. Ds gets off work at 3:30 most days do he could pick her up after work. The sitter is in town. He said he’d consider sending her to the local daycare but I don’t think I’d do that. The sitter doesn’t even charge a lot. I left her there 2-3 hrs last week and she’d only take $5. Sometimes I give her extra. The daycare provides breakfast & lunch but I’ve heard not so great things. When I send her to the sitter I always send her a lunch bag. 

The money would mainly just be to help me set some aside. 

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Could you open up a savings account in only your name and do direct deposit?  That’s not necessarily hiding anything, but he can’t touch it.  If he complains (he will) and say it’s ‘our’ money, say “great! I’m saving in case we have an emergency one day and need it. That money will be there!”  Meanwhile, he doesn’t have to know the real ‘emergency’ may be just saving towards something else but it’s your money and in your name.    If he kicks up a fuss, oh well. 

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

Could you open up a savings account in only your name and do direct deposit?  That’s not necessarily hiding anything, but he can’t touch it.  If he complains (he will) and say it’s ‘our’ money, say “great! I’m saving in case we have an emergency one day and need it. That money will be there!”  Meanwhile, he doesn’t have to know the real ‘emergency’ may be just saving towards something else but it’s your money and in your name.    If he kicks up a fuss, oh well. 

I have one but I worry splitting checks would show up. 

And he cannot know. He is crazy. He said if I ever opened one I’d have to hand over the money when he asked. 

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I have a friend in a marriage that sounds somewhat similar to Heart's; her husband earns comfortably over six figures and still, there is always money for his priorities but she has to fight tooth  and nail for hers. He has pressured her for years to get a full time job (she has always done some part time and free lance work) but she knows that if she does she would still be left with 90+% of the parenting and household responsibilities. He is not the sort take off work himself when a child is sick, or needs to be taken to orthodontics appointments, or there is an IEP meeting at school, or...

I do think Heart would have more opportunities and flexibility and options if she has a job, but I think something with real career potential is likely the best path. 

Edited by maize
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I think you said you have an IRA from before you were married? Is it a Roth? 

If you could deposit part of a paycheck into a Roth IRA, especially one that has already been open a few years, that could serve as emergency savings for you. You could be adamant that saving for retirement is your top priority and he couldn't access the money, but should a real emergency arise (say, the need to leave your marriage) you could access any money you had deposited (not earnings on that money) without penalty. The account has to have been open for at least five years for no penalty withdrawals.

My 16 year old just got a job and as soon as she has enough saved up for minimum deposits I'm going to have her open a Roth.

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I have one but I worry splitting checks would show up. 

And he cannot know. He is crazy. He said if I ever opened one I’d have to hand over the money when he asked. 

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

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Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

He could withhold household funds for other things and insist she has to use the money she saved first.

Someone who wants to be controlling about things can find lots of ways.

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1 minute ago, Thatboyofmine said:

What does that mean?   He’ll get physical with you?    Or he’ll just be a shithead about it?  He already is a shithead.   He can’t divorce you over it.  He can’t take the kids over it.  So what does this mean?  (And if you sense a ‘tone’ here, trust me—it is NOT directed at you, but at him) 

Well for one it would probably happen when he’s with my fil and then that whole side of the family will gang up on me and what a s#itty wife I am... 

and then his mom will probably push the sister as beneficiary idea again... 

that’s not something that would blow over in a day. 

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4 minutes ago, maize said:

I think you said you have an IRA from before you were married? Is it a Roth? 

If you could deposit part of a paycheck into a Roth IRA, especially one that has already been open a few years, that could serve as emergency savings for you. You could be adamant that saving for retirement is your top priority and he couldn't access the money, but should a real emergency arise (say, the need to leave your marriage) you could access any money you had deposited (not earnings on that money) without penalty. The account has to have been open for at least five years for no penalty withdrawals.

My 16 year old just got a job and as soon as she has enough saved up for minimum deposits I'm going to have her open a Roth.

Yes Roth IRA but I’d rather not combine it there. 

If I go back to work at least one of those jobs would offer me a 401k. That would be some peace of mind I guess. 

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Heart, my offer stands about contacting my family in north miss and mobile.  I’ll do whatever I can to help you out.  They may even know someone in your area that might can help you out.   PM me if you need me.  Seriously, I don’t mind.  

In  these situations, it’s hard for me to give good advice and keep my emotions out of it.  That’s why I offer to contact those I know irl who might could help.  Im much more of a ‘just come right out and tell him to go to hell’ type of person. I realize though that you’re a more patient person and thankfully not the bitch that I am.   The times you’ve gotten upset and regretted it—well, I’m sure many people would’ve gone way beyond that, so you’re doing great, whether you feel that way or not.   You probably feel like you’re constantly trudging uphill and there’s never a summit to reach.  I’m sorry.  You deserve better.   Please do PM me if you need to. 

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I know I sound like a complete Debbie downer but there are a couple reasons I haven’t tried freelance. 

I have had a copy of Affinity less than a year. Gimp was too hard for doing most things I wanted. 

I’d be competing with sites like Fiverr. They make $5/project and knowing how many revisions people can request it’s not worth it. 

Filing taxes for it sounds like a headache. 

Finding time and clients. 

Not having access to a database of stock images/clip art. When I worked for others we owned a subscription to art and we’d modify it for our needs. I wasn’t making art from scratch usually. Paying oop for my own database access or paying per image doesn’t seem cost effective. Yes, sometimes you can find royalty-free art but many times it’s unclear if it’s copyrighted. Images say “may be subject to copyright.” 

I just went through my grocery spending this month. Dh called to ask what I needed from Sam’s. I was very clear I don’t want him picking up a bunch. I said water & olive oil. He got some groceries... not end of world but too much stuff. Said he was buying a $10 bag of Halloween candy and I said don’t we don’t need that. They sell little bags on sale. Looked at bank acct. He spent $100 there. And I told him we had a $20 WM gift card so maybe he bought $120 really. 

I planned a mom’s night out tonight but no one responded the day of the event (says a few are going on RSVP) so I’m staying home. Not driving an hr to sit alone at the restaurant. I posted in the group saying I needed to know by 4:45 pm (to be there around 6). 

The homecoming water thing? According to bank account he spent $42. I think that’s all for his school. I asked how he normally pays or is expected. He said years ago he was asked to supply stuff and now people expect it. I think he’s always paid oop. I know it was two cases of water so he probably bought food. 

I did buy a jug of water for us at the local dollar store yesterday though so I could hold out on a trip to the city. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Dh sounds like he gets taken advantage of by jobs (buying stuff oop or carrying work stuff in his/your trunk) then turns around and takes it out on you.

 

———

the color in your toilet tank is way darker than what our known to be iron causes 

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Ok, I’m just going to say that I know MS is a LCOL area in general but I am heart sad to hear about teachers anywhere in 2019 being paid $10/hr.  That’s absolutely insane.  The cost of living calculator I saw said it is 43% cheaper to live on MS than where I do but a substitute paraeducator job here pays almost 2.5 times more than that and paras don’t even need college credits, much less a degree. 

I guess to get one’s foot in the door but since you have a 4 year degree if you decide to go the education route, I would look for FT jobs with a salary and some benefits once your daughter is old enough to go.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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I’ve interviewed for a teacher assistant job in the past. The pay was low and not worth the hassle. The substitute teacher idea seemed like a low commitment thing. FT work would really need to be good pay to warrant the move, child care etc. I asked FB friends in the school field and they said that substitute pay was not good. One said she made $10/hr as a sub in 2015 in a low paying district and the employees thought of striking over it. 

Many district job postings do not list pay. It’s so annoying. I literally never found out the pay fir the ESL tutor job I interviewed for. 

 

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1 minute ago, LucyStoner said:

Ok, I’m just going to say that I know MS is a LCOL area in general but I am heart sad to hear about teachers anywhere in 2019 being paid $10/hr.  That’s absolutely insane.  I guess to get one’s foot in the door but since you have a 4 year degree if you decide to go the education route, I would look for FT jobs with a salary and some benefits.  

I know they pay the retired teachers $15/hr fir subbing but I think that should be the base pay. I think it’s kinda low all across the board. Maybe my view is painted by the discipline/academic hurdles I know exist. It’s not like subbing here is a walk in the park.  

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I know they pay the retired teachers $15/hr fir subbing but I think that should be the base pay. I think it’s kinda low all across the board. Maybe my view is painted by the discipline/academic hurdles I know exist. It’s not like subbing here is a walk in the park.  

 

Definitely there are easier ways to earn $10/hr than teaching.  

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2 hours ago, Pen said:

Dh sounds like he gets taken advantage of by jobs (buying stuff oop or carrying work stuff in his/your trunk) then turns around and takes it out on you.

 

———

the color in your toilet tank is way darker than what our known to be iron causes 

 

It sounds like he is bringing it about though.  He set up the coffee service in the first place.  Here, none of the college libraries have that.  You get your drinks or coffee at the stand nearby or from the vending machines.  I would have more sympathy for him if he didn’t volunteer for the role.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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5 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

People that take the Teaching Assistant job here usually are in it for the bennies as well as the family friendly hours.  The health insurance alone is worth it, as there is no contribution from the employee salary.

 

Here Teaching Assistants are called IAs or paras and they get full benefits in FT roles (FT being 6.5-7 hours a day).  I’m going to bet though that while they are getting benefits in NY and WA, that might not be the case in MS.  

Also, heart has a 4 year degree which in MS qualifies her for regular teaching jobs rather than TA/IA/Para type jobs.  Those come with more pay and benefits and I would look to that route.  My brother has no college and one of the main draws of being a para besides the schedule (he works at his younger child’s school) is that here there are programs to help cover the cost of getting his degree (he wants to be a sped teacher).  

Edited by LucyStoner
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Most school jobs would have the advantage of hours that coincide with children being in school and a non teaching job would eliminate the lesson planning and grading burden, as well as much of the classroom discipline responsibility.

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Well considering Dh has early mornings it was not convenient for us to get dd to a daycare or sitter that early. So not family friendly hours for us. 

I do not recall now about benefits but the pay was 14k and no work/income over summer. 

Once dd is school age something at a school might be an option, and more time with the kids during summer if you want that.

But lousy pay it sounds like.

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