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Navigating work/personal life boundaries


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I will do my best not to be too harsh.   The problem isn't you, it's your DH.   What I am reading is that he has things he's supposed to take care of, but then, he doesn't.  So then, kn

You GUYS!!!  I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. Th

Well, I dunno if it's actually gaslighting or not...I am not really up on trendy pop psychology terms.   But I can tell you that if my spouse EVER......*EVER*....implied that he should "just

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51 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

It is normal to have to flush the house lines if the water people have been working on the system elsewhere.  Usually they tell you in advance that they will be working on the system and to expect to have to do the flush. You may have to sign up to get that notice. Our notice is mailed to us if its non-emergency planned work. If its an unplanned break they are fixing, we are on our own, and usually the neighbors on the line that was repaired will let each other know. If not, when we see brown, we flush.  This is all normal for people who are on a city water system.

If your neighbor is on the same system and doesn't have brown water the day you do, the problem is in the lines leading to your home.  If you both have brown water, its the system.  

I don't know who you are asking, but the plumbers as well as the Water Dept town supervisor know exactly what's happening with the water.  The water supplier actually appreciates the photos we give them from our filters, as it helps them show the State that they need matching grants and funding for additional wells.  We tend to have high manganese when the wells are running low, and that precipitates as black flakes in the home water lines even with the appropriate filter.  We can put a filter in and its black in a day if the wells are running dry; if not its black in a month.  In both cases we will have sand and gravel caught in the filter too.  Since we can't change the main line filter daily ($$$) or put in a filter for each bathroom plus the kitchen, we do have to buy water in that season when the wells are running low. 

If you want to know what your water quality is, read the annual report from the Water supplier.  Ours is mailed to our billing address, but we can also go get one from the Water Dept office.  Or get your water tested.

Growing up I never remember this happening! I lived in bigger towns/cities. It’s random, doesn’t seem planned, and last time I barely found out about the water boil notice but saw something on Facebook or called the water dept and asked. I have never received formal notices and don’t think it’s usually planned maintenance. I will ask the woman at the office next time to see but I’m pretty sure last time I asked I was told there wasn’t an official notice everyone gets. 

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Dh mentioned to my neighbor aka the man I embarrassed myself in front of at the college graphic design interview years ago, that I applied for this position. He told Dh that he voted for me back then (several people had to make that hiring decision). Aww that made my day. Apparently he does some business with this publication. 

I emailed my old publisher and gave him a heads up that his boss may ask about me because I applied for this job. 

Ds is being so difficult with getting up on time. I won’t spank him over it but yes, he’s an absolute pain about it. I’ve been trying to wake him up for hours. I sent the kids to bed around 8:30 but he dod t fall asleep til sometime after Dh got home. This type of crap makes me think yeah maybe he needs external pressure to get up (ie school). I’ll send him to bed early tonight. 

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34 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh mentioned to my neighbor aka the man I embarrassed myself in front of at the college graphic design interview years ago, that I applied for this position. He told Dh that he voted for me back then (several people had to make that hiring decision). Aww that made my day. Apparently he does some business with this publication. 

I emailed my old publisher and gave him a heads up that his boss may ask about me because I applied for this job. 

Ds is being so difficult with getting up on time. I won’t spank him over it but yes, he’s an absolute pain about it. I’ve been trying to wake him up for hours. I sent the kids to bed around 8:30 but he dod t fall asleep til sometime after Dh got home. This type of crap makes me think yeah maybe he needs external pressure to get up (ie school). I’ll send him to bed early tonight. 

Do you think a consequence would work if going to bed earlier doesn't?  Like if he doesn't get up when asked tomorrow morning he gets no screen time tomorrow at all?

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Do you think a consequence would work if going to bed earlier doesn't?  Like if he doesn't get up when asked tomorrow morning he gets no screen time tomorrow at all?

I don’t know. Consequences like that have never been super effective with this child. I just told him no screens for now. He asked why and I said because he wouldn’t get up and start school. 

I’ve been up since like 5 am. I was having trouble sleeping earlier. 

Hope this helps motivate him tomorrow. 

 

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27 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know. Consequences like that have never been super effective with this child. I just told him no screens for now. He asked why and I said because he wouldn’t get up and start school. 

I’ve been up since like 5 am. I was having trouble sleeping earlier. 

Hope this helps motivate him tomorrow. 

 

My kids usually respond better to positive incentives than to negative consequences; is there some kind of reward he could earn by being up on time?

Is he in front of a screen of any kind before bed? Does he have any access to screens in his room? If he is having trouble falling asleep at night he will have trouble getting up in the morning; blue light--from regular lights and from screens--prevents our bodies from making melotonin, which we need to fall asleep and stay asleep. I try to limit light in the evening, use blue-light blocking filters on any screens, and even use orange or red colored bulbs wherever possible. 

By contrast, bright light helps us wake up in the morning. Going in and opening his curtains before he needs to be awake could help.

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34 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know. Consequences like that have never been super effective with this child. I just told him no screens for now. He asked why and I said because he wouldn’t get up and start school. 

I’ve been up since like 5 am. I was having trouble sleeping earlier. 

Hope this helps motivate him tomorrow. 

 


How did you get him up on time when he was in school?

Why is it different now?

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve never found a website for anything local lol 

the school worked on our line recently (not sure if it’s part of main line or not) and never replaced the pipe they cracked. 

 

I am still confused about this.  

Do you have just a earth hole that needs to be filled in or a cracked water pipe.

If you have an earth hole I’d just fill it in.

If you have a cracked pipe (whether that’s letting out sewage or supposed to be bringing in clean water) you need that taken care of right away. 

Potable water is a basic tenant right in many places. This could be worth its own legal research for your area. 

 

I realize it relates to work/personal life boundaries the thread is about, and I don’t think it has been clearly resolved. 

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In some places a water sample can be taken to a gov office and checked for some things like coliform bacteria or lead. For free or relatively low cost.  Real science for your Ds too. 

(I would put this above fair as priority — and it could be just as interesting.) 

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1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:


How did you get him up on time when he was in school?

Why is it different now?

He often didn’t budge then, either. He was told he had to get up because we had to drive him to school. He was super grouchy. I’ve tried pushing bedtimes back and making daily bedtime early but Dh allows them to stay up later on weekends despite my protests. He is cranky on Sun mornings too before church. When Dh isn’t around I turn off all lights and TVs. When he’s home he’s up, the tv runs all night even after he falls asleep. I think he’s dependent on it. This is why I put that book on sleep on the wish list for his library lol it has been ordered. 

Sometimes Dh motivated ds to get up with the promise of screens in the morning. Obviously I wasn’t too pleased with this but it sometimes did help him get moving! 

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5 minutes ago, Pen said:

In some places a water sample can be taken to a gov office and checked for some things like coliform bacteria or lead. For free or relatively low cost.  Real science for your Ds too. 

(I would put this above fair as priority — and it could be just as interesting.) 

We aren’t going to the fair. I don’t know who to give a sample to. 

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6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

We aren’t going to the fair. I don’t know who to give a sample to. 

 

In our area it’s been at a county building located in the county seat city, where they handle various things—deeds and records, food handler licenses etc...  water quality being one of the things

I have usually paid $$ for a much more comprehensive private test (sent in by UPS) through a company called watercheck iirc. 

https://watercheck.com/

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

In our area it’s been at a county building located in the county seat city, where they handle various things—deeds and records, food handler licenses etc...  water quality being one of the things

I have usually paid $$ for a much more comprehensive private test (sent in by UPS) through a company called watercheck iirc. 

https://watercheck.com/

 

 

So many choices! Lite, basic, add ons. I didn’t understand the add ons. If you don’t pick that, they won’t test for it? 

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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

So many choices! Lite, basic, add ons. I didn’t understand the add ons. If you don’t pick that, they won’t test for it? 

 

We are on well.  My choices would probably be different than yours.  I think I got deluxe for Wells.  I wanted to know if herbicides were getting in our water because we are in a logging/agriculture area.  We have brown in our water which is iron.

I’d want to know about heavy metals like lead, arsenic...   and about bacteria type contamination...

I use a Berkey filter which removes the iron and leaves some possibly beneficial things like calcium.  

I think distiller like Maize suggested might be a good idea and less expensive than extensive testing.    I have heard that if using distilled water one needs to be sure to make up possible eliminated good minerals.  

Not having a lot of plastic from bottled water may also be a health benefit. 

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51 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

 

Look up “Plumbing Woes” on the chat board 

 

I am incapable of understanding what the problem is from that thread.

 Neither the words nor pictures make anything clear for me.  It doesn’t show anything leaking from pipe as I’d expect if pipe were cracked or broken.   I see a bit of white in grass at 12:00 or so from hole that I think you referred to, but how that relates to whether pipe is broken or not, I don’t know. 

You aren’t required to explain it to us, obviously.

I am certainly not a plumber, But I hope that maintenance people for your housing aren’t as utterly lost and confused as I am. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

He often didn’t budge then, either. He was told he had to get up because we had to drive him to school. He was super grouchy. I’ve tried pushing bedtimes back and making daily bedtime early but Dh allows them to stay up later on weekends despite my protests. He is cranky on Sun mornings too before church. When Dh isn’t around I turn off all lights and TVs. When he’s home he’s up, the tv runs all night even after he falls asleep. I think he’s dependent on it. This is why I put that book on sleep on the wish list for his library lol it has been ordered. 

Sometimes Dh motivated ds to get up with the promise of screens in the morning. Obviously I wasn’t too pleased with this but it sometimes did help him get moving! 

Creating a noisy morning doesn't help?  If I was having that much trouble I'd be super cheery and wake him the first time, then the second time I came in I'd be even more cheery, turn on the light, keep the door open, and have special good morning music playing to make sleep impossible.

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45 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

We are on well.  My choices would probably be different than yours.  I think I got deluxe for Wells.  I wanted to know if herbicides were getting in our water because we are in a logging/agriculture area.  We have brown in our water which is iron.

I’d want to know about heavy metals like lead, arsenic...   and about bacteria type contamination...

I use a Berkey filter which removes the iron and leaves some possibly beneficial things like calcium.  

I think distiller like Maize suggested might be a good idea and less expensive than extensive testing.    I have heard that if using distilled water one needs to be sure to make up possible eliminated good minerals.  

Not having a lot of plastic from bottled water may also be a health benefit. 

We get minerals primarily from food not water, the mineral content of water is usually pretty negligible.

There are mineral drops you can add in if you want.

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I guess there’s debate about minerals in re distilled water

 

May 30, 2017 · The main risks of drinking only distilled water are associated with the lack of dissolved minerals, such as magnesium and calcium. Some of the adverse effects of drinking just distilled or low mineral water include: a flat taste that many people find unappealing, leading to reduced water consumption.
images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTTrOa5J83RTOZuwNrIMag
 
 
 
 
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My dh works for a water department. If your water comes from a public source (county or city water), they are required to supply clean, fresh, water to you. They likely sample all the time to ensure safety. This is a matter of public health. Now that doesn't mean that the water tastes great or smells great (in summer, often the water tastes off when it is perfectly safe due to higher levels of organics in the water supply) but it does mean that by and large it SHOULD be safe to drink. 

I suggest you call your water department and ask your questions. Not accusingly, just, hey, I am an interested consumer and I turned the tap on this morning and it was brown. Is my water safe? Why is it brown? Can I bring a sample by? 

If your house is fairly old, it may have old rusty pipes and if the water sits in them very long, it gets rusty looking. Also, hot water heaters can be a source of minerals in the water. 

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Dh and ds can sleep through everything. Dh slept through a fire alarm in his dorm before. I mean he eventually got up but everyone else had exited the building several minutes before he was aware. 

We had the tv on in the living room this morning and ds continued to sleep. I gently shook him, talked to him, raised my voice. He was hardly responsive. I think he just requires a lot of sleep like me (but I’m a light sleeper). So early bedtime tonight. Told him 7 pm. 

As for the water. It was brown a minute ago. I texted 2 neighbors. One said she never noticed and the other said she does see it sometimes (her house is beside mine) usually from the tub. That’s where I saw it. She tested hers but didn’t see anything. 

The maintenance guy said he accidentally chipped our pipe while working on it one night. I think the chipped part is where that loose piece of pipe is. He dug up around that pipe where the hole is so I assumed that’s the pipe he’s replacing. 

We don’t have a fridge that makes water or ice. We have whatever fridge came with the rental. Low tech. 

 

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Growing up I never remember this happening! I lived in bigger towns/cities. It’s random, doesn’t seem planned, and last time I barely found out about the water boil notice but saw something on Facebook or called the water dept and asked. I have never received formal notices and don’t think it’s usually planned maintenance. I will ask the woman at the office next time to see but I’m pretty sure last time I asked I was told there wasn’t an official notice everyone gets. 

That's scary. The one time I was under a boil water notice for our community well, they put a notice on all of our doors (meaning the front door, back door and side door) and left a phone message. This was in the days before internet/voice mail/texting.

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Just now, TechWife said:

That's scary. The one time I was under a boil water notice for our community well, they put a notice on all of our doors (meaning the front door, back door and side door) and left a phone message. This was in the days before internet/voice mail/texting.

Yes! And I think I was nursing and having to boil baby bottles at the time. No notices on doors.  

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This is a pic from April I sent to my sisters, long before the pipe clog. I’ve had lots of conversations about filters but wasn’t convinced it would make it less gross. In another home we used a Brit’s pitcher bit flakes of old galvanized pipe would float in it ew. So I just didn’t feel very confident in filters. 

Sometimes it comes out all dingy like this. Sometimes darker. Not sure if you can tell from the photo. 

 

F25DADAD-07BC-4248-BD97-D49F320C3F11.jpeg

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I have flushed the water for certain reasons before but if I flushed it everytime it came out brown for 30 seconds I’d be flushing my pipes several times a month. 15 min of running water to use it. 

The dishwasher is mid cycle right now, too. And it is portable so it’s tying up the sink faucet. 

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On 10/10/2019 at 3:03 PM, heartlikealion said:

This is a pic from April I sent to my sisters, long before the pipe clog. I’ve had lots of conversations about filters but wasn’t convinced it would make it less gross. In another home we used a Brit’s pitcher bit flakes of old galvanized pipe would float in it ew. So I just didn’t feel very confident in filters. 

 

I don’t really know anything about Brit pitcher or water in your area or individual house.  I think each situation needs to be addressed on its own 

We have very high iron — much of the soil around is reddish too.  

One pic below shows what happens to white fabric washed in our iron containing water (dressy whites have to be carefully hand washed in filtered water) — but passed through the Berkey the rust is removed as you can see in the white cup.  (Our upper Berkey reservoir is stained golden by the rust, but the lower stays stainless steel silver color.)

that said, our iron is aesthetically unappealing, and doesn’t taste good, but it isn’t at a level considered a health hazard

So what you can do would depend on what is actually going on in your water

Plastics aren’t great either imo

 

 

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I'm still catching up on this thread but wanted to respond to a few things before moving on.

 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:01 PM, Pen said:

 

Could you Try to change your inner self talk to Yay! He’s drying a dish! Or whatever and dispute your own feeling bothered by”wrong” towel?

I’d be bothered if a dirty floor mat or dog drying or car washing towel were used on dishes.  A hand towel? No.  If someone dries hands on towel then touches dishes or if someone touches dish direct with hand towel, so what? 

 

Yes, and maybe just leave the room so you don't have to see what he's doing. Just accept that he does things differently but they get done nonetheless. 

I loved my mother and I miss her terribly, but I still recognize her faults. One big one was that she believed there were two ways of doing things - her way and the wrong way. It's a philosophy that leaves you with no one doing anything to help because they don't want to be criticized for doing things differently. 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:01 PM, hjffkj said:

 

There are things that I do differently than dh, like loading the dishwasher. He is so inefficient at it. But I don't stop him from doing it. I will rearrange things if I open it to put something in a notice that it is a messy. I do that when my mom loads it too. But I'd never mention that unless they were to ask, which my mom has done. I simply reply, " more fits if arranged this way."

 

I too rearrange the dishwasher as we start using more dishes (I run mine every other day) it makes sense to rearrange. When dh called me on it once, I pointed out that I also rearrange the items I put in. Sometimes you just need to make room for dishes that weren't dirty when you first loaded it.

 

On 10/8/2019 at 2:08 PM, PeachyDoodle said:

I wash all laundry in cold water. It saves a little energy, and if the clothes are going in the dryer it's hot enough to kill most everything.

So do I. There was a time when washing in hot water was necessary because detergents didn't work efficiently in cold water. Those days are long gone but we hold on to the belief that hot water = cleaner than cold water.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/why-are-you-still-washing-your-clothes-in-warm-water-1706931003

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17 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

so rust color means the water is hard -- has lots of iron. 

If you remove the lid of the toilet tank, what does the bottom of the tank look like?

the thing with the dishwasher is  that it uses a lot of water at once...so it stirs up any sediment that has been sitting in the pipes. you have to let the water run if that happens. 

can you tell if the brown water is from the cold supply or the hot supply?

is the brown water only coming from bathroom tub faucet?

a cold water line does not need a fifteen minute flush: https://www.hunker.com/12335314/how-to-flush-water-pipes-in-a-home

 

I don’t remember what side but if Ds was trying to prepare for a shower he might have turned on both or the hot. 

The entire tank behind toilet is deep brown. Like all the water not just the bottom. 

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On 10/7/2019 at 1:06 PM, Scarlett said:

Yes, I know.  But the default is that both parents have equal rights.

 

 

Yes. Sort of like women now have equal right as men to enter military without an automatic presumption against a woman being a soldier.

But in actuality there may or may not be 50-50 women and men in military.  

“Equal rights” doesn’t legally mean equal distribution.

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I don’t know if I still have my long gloves. I don’t want to put my hand in there now. 

Kids were sent to bed at 7 but wouldn’t sleep/settle down til 10 or so. Dd tried to spend time with Dh and kept bugging him while he was using the computer. Ds said he didn’t feel well this morning. Complained of headache. He had his eyes checked recently and wears his glasses so it’s not that. I feel like this school year is so unproductive. 

Dh really considers a gaming PC a “need.” I told him that’s not a need. He said for him it is. He’ll go crazy without that outlet or whatever. I pointed out I have never gotten a new Mac and he said he can remove his memory hog game and give me his old pic. I pointed out I’m sick of him always buying new stuff for himself then giving me the hand me downs. He said fine we both get a computer. I said we can’t afford that. I mentioned ds’ empty bank folder and he said he knows how much should be in there (over $200). 

He’s just selfish. I don’t even want to necessarily go to work now. I feel stuck. Dd isn’t school age so any job now means scrambling to find a place for her. It stresses me out. 

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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know if I still have my long gloves. I don’t want to put my hand in there now. 

Kids were sent to bed at 7 but wouldn’t sleep/settle down til 10 or so. Dd tried to spend time with Dh and kept bugging him while he was using the computer. Ds said he didn’t feel well this morning. Complained of headache. He had his eyes checked recently and wears his glasses so it’s not that. I feel like this school year is so unproductive. 

Dh really considers a gaming PC a “need.” I told him that’s not a need. He said for him it is. He’ll go crazy without that outlet or whatever. I pointed out I have never gotten a new Mac and he said he can remove his memory hog game and give me his old pic. I pointed out I’m sick of him always buying new stuff for himself then giving me the hand me downs. He said fine we both get a computer. I said we can’t afford that. I mentioned ds’ empty bank folder and he said he knows how much should be in there (over $200). 

He’s just selfish. I don’t even want to necessarily go to work now. I feel stuck. Dd isn’t school age so any job now means scrambling to find a place for her. It stresses me out. 

He's either addicted to gaming or he's using gaming to meet unmet mental health needs.  (BTW- this is common among men esp. with ASD or ADHD.  It helps them to deal with sensory overload even as it bombards them with sensory stuff - but on a virtual level only.)

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