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5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ok I can work on some more things. 

But the job/home role if I get a job? Haha Don’t think it will matter. I was the FT employed parent when we married. I’d come home and I’d have to find a way to get laundry done with ds screaming his head off if I put him in the playpen so I could step outside to the carport where the washer/dryer were. 

The main difference may be dinner. He’ll have to accept me cooking less or us doing more meal prep on weekends etc. I don’t know. Just don’t have my hopes up at all. 

I tend to agree with you that expecting dh to pick up the slack if you are working is a pipe dream. Better to manage your expectations there. But this is why beginning to train the dc to take on some reasonable tasks is important. While you have them at home and are looking for jobs is a good time to start.'

And I agree with the point above about teaching ds to have different expectations of his future wife/partner.

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I think there are two extremes. I did not do much as a child but then my cousins were responsible for tons of chores and making meals. I saw how miserable my cousin was when I visited. I just want a middle ground. 

There are also extremes between mowing the lawn unassisted and loading your own dishes into the dishwasher. I wouldn't necessarily expect an 11yo with asthma to mow, especially if it's a difficult yard. We have three acres and just began teaching dd to mow this summer. Definitely won't expect ds to learn next year when he's almost 10. Maybe by 13-14. We have a lot of hills.

But an 11yo can do a LOT of things that are less complicated than mowing. Freeing you up to concentrate on the harder tasks.

Edited by PeachyDoodle
Apparently forgot how old my kid is...
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Dh said he’d print the curriculum pages this weekend but he didn’t. He brought home one thing today. The remainder of the student pages of the English (Treasured Conversations) . But no teacher pages. We’ll flip through it tomorrow. 

Ds and I did some history today (reading aloud from Builders of the Old World). Going to go sew now. I’d like to teach the kids when I know how. Or learn together. 

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Heart, just to be clear, none of my posts above were intended to convey that you aren't training your ds "right." Whatever that means.

I meant that training ds and dd can be a way to help relieve your own burden. It is not unreasonable to expect them to help out, and if they are able to help, they can take some of the load off of you. Maybe only a little bit, but that little bit might be of help. 

I am not shaming you. I am trying to look for options that might have real productive value, taking into consideration the reality of the situation as it stands now. Should your dh be doing more? Hell, yes! But he isn't, and his behavior is entirely out of your control. If you remain in your marriage, or if you leave it, you are unfortunately largely on your own here. If I lived near you, I would be there in a heartbeat helping out, if that's what you wanted. I'm not, so I'm trying to offer whatever practical ideas and support I can.

I can't speak for others, but I expect that was their intention as well.

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Just now, PeachyDoodle said:

Heart, just to be clear, none of my posts above were intended to convey that you aren't training your ds "right." Whatever that means.

I meant that training ds and dd can be a way to help relieve your own burden. It is not unreasonable to expect them to help out, and if they are able to help, they can take some of the load off of you. Maybe only a little bit, but that little bit might be of help. 

I am not shaming you. I am trying to look for options that might have real productive value, taking into consideration the reality of the situation as it stands now. Should your dh be doing more? Hell, yes! But he isn't, and his behavior is entirely out of your control. If you remain in your marriage, or if you leave it, you are unfortunately largely on your own here. If I lived near you, I would be there in a heartbeat helping out, if that's what you wanted. I'm not, so I'm trying to offer whatever practical ideas and support I can.

I can't speak for others, but I expect that was their intention as well.

Same here.  Still no idea how someone got that impression from our posts.  

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One (sad) thing I keep thinking is that an 11yo boy is likely to more and more follow his father's example in how his mother is treated or considered. It may be hard for Heart to train him to do what she says and get him to help her if his father is so careless about putting everything on her. There can come a time, of course, when she makes him wash his own clothes, etc., but the training in general may be a lot more challenging due to her dh's attitudes.

 

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Yes I took it like oh great more stuff I’m doing wrong or need to add to my list... not intentional shaming, though. 

I’m failing or sinking in so many ways. I feel like I don’t know if I’ll ever swim. 

1. Make kids do VT exercises. How will dd get to appointments if I get a FT job?? Dh probably would say don’t bother 

2. Educate 

3. Clean house/make meals/laundry 

4. Yard 

5. Exercise 

6. Read my stack of books on parenting, EF, adhd, sleep, peripheral vision, boundaries, marriage 

uggggh my house is still hoarder ish 

i don’t have the mental patience or energy sometimes to scaffold. Ds broke a glass and I heard about it from everyone for weeks because apparently glass was not all cleaned up despite our efforts. Ds steppes in glass at least once. 

Going into class now. 

It will be ok. Somehow 

 

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52 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

It bugs me when people bring their techniques which work in non-abusive families and suggest them for a family in which one person is financially and verbally abusive (just jumping off your post here, and I note you noted that it won't work for heart in her situation - not directed at you).

Of course it won't work for heart to say 'dear husband, let us sit down and work out who is responsible for which job.' It's pretty clear that heart is responsible, in her husbands view, for everything that doesn't fall under 'his job and his leisure time', and it's also pretty clear that any conversation like that is just an opening for more abuse.

She's been with this guy for a decade or more.  People underestimate the effects of that. All this 'well, here's what you can do about the laundry' - it's kinda irrelevant. One thing at a time! It's enough to say, yeah, he should be treating you better heart - in the meantime, keep looking for work.

All this other stuff is just - ugh - more directions to heart about how she can do better. Which she hears enough. From her d*ck of a husband. 

 

To be clear I was not suggesting anything like that.   I was I guess remembering my own bad marriage to a dick of a husband and how it was just easier on me to do the house stuff and let  him work and have no expectation of him and ever helping me in the house.  Or with our son.  

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes I took it like oh great more stuff I’m doing wrong or need to add to my list... not intentional shaming, though. 

I’m failing or sinking in so many ways. I feel like I don’t know if I’ll ever swim. 

1. Make kids do VT exercises. How will dd get to appointments if I get a FT job?? Dh probably would say don’t bother 

2. Educate 

3. Clean house/make meals/laundry 

4. Yard 

5. Exercise 

6. Read my stack of books on parenting, EF, adhd, sleep, peripheral vision, boundaries, marriage 

uggggh my house is still hoarder ish 

i don’t have the mental patience or energy sometimes to scaffold. Ds broke a glass and I heard about it from everyone for weeks because apparently glass was not all cleaned up despite our efforts. Ds steppes in glass at least once. 

Going into class now. 

It will be ok. Somehow 

 

 

I always feel like I am trying to juggle more balls than is possible and all I can do is try to be sort of strategic about which ones to drop. So maybe this week we I don't get a child to an extracurricular class, maybe we don't get everybody's dental cleanings in on time, maybe certain rooms go months at a time without being cleaned, maybe we have pizza for dinner too many nights. 

My kids are fed and clothed and major health needs are being addressed as best we can. And some schooling happens. Those are kind of the basics.

We can only do what we can do, and what we can do is always going to be imperfect.

Re: getting kids to help--I think parents with kids who don't struggle with executive function do not realize how very much parental time and effort goes into getting an ADHD kid through chores. And how many years you can keep putting in that time and effort without the kids being able to just do the stuff without scaffolding. 

When time and energy are low--which is almost always for me--we have to resort to doing the stuff ourselves because getting the kids to do it is too exhausting.

Not one of my kids is reliable with chores, even when they have good will. My oldest has better executive function than most of mine but even she habitually leaves stuff half done--and she really does have all the good will in the world and wants to help. Since I struggle myself I'm not the best when it comes to training them and being consistent in requiring stuff, but my mom was way more structured and consistent and failed with me in spite of all her years of trying.

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21 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes I took it like oh great more stuff I’m doing wrong or need to add to my list... not intentional shaming, though. 

I’m failing or sinking in so many ways. I feel like I don’t know if I’ll ever swim. 

1. I don't in any way think you are failing. At all. On the contrary, I think you have made great progress over the past few months!

2. I can completely understand that it feels overwhelming. And like you have a to-do list that will never end. I have certainly felt that way before, and it sucks.

3. That said, we all are doing what you asked for in this thread -- i.e., giving advice. Advice doesn't mean you *have* to do it or even *should* do it. It's just advice. A suggestion that the giver hopes might give you something new to try or a different perspective that hadn't occurred to you before. It might or might not work in your specific situation. Only you can decide that. But please give all of us here the benefit of the doubt that we are merely here on your thread trying to help and do what you asked. It's not fair to ask for advice and then complain that you are being overburdened by it. 

4. I will bow out now. I sat on this thread for a very long time before responding precisely because of the above. All the best of luck to you! You are doing great!

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29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes I took it like oh great more stuff I’m doing wrong or need to add to my list... not intentional shaming, though. 

I’m failing or sinking in so many ways. I feel like I don’t know if I’ll ever swim. 

1. Make kids do VT exercises. How will dd get to appointments if I get a FT job?? Dh probably would say don’t bother 

2. Educate 

3. Clean house/make meals/laundry 

4. Yard 

5. Exercise 

6. Read my stack of books on parenting, EF, adhd, sleep, peripheral vision, boundaries, marriage 

uggggh my house is still hoarder ish 

i don’t have the mental patience or energy sometimes to scaffold. Ds broke a glass and I heard about it from everyone for weeks because apparently glass was not all cleaned up despite our efforts. Ds steppes in glass at least once. 

Going into class now. 

It will be ok. Somehow 

 

Certainly I am not shaming you.  And  because of this situation...and because you have decided divorce is off the table it is why I suggested a job outside the home may not be the best idea at this moment.

However, I also agree with whoever suggested that you getting a job might change the dynamic sufficiently that you could be happier that way. 

 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes I took it like oh great more stuff I’m doing wrong or need to add to my list... not intentional shaming, though. 

I’m failing or sinking in so many ways. I feel like I don’t know if I’ll ever swim. 

1. Make kids do VT exercises. How will dd get to appointments if I get a FT job?? Dh probably would say don’t bother 

2. Educate 

3. Clean house/make meals/laundry 

4. Yard 

5. Exercise 

6. Read my stack of books on parenting, EF, adhd, sleep, peripheral vision, boundaries, marriage 

uggggh my house is still hoarder ish 

i don’t have the mental patience or energy sometimes to scaffold. Ds broke a glass and I heard about it from everyone for weeks because apparently glass was not all cleaned up despite our efforts. Ds steppes in glass at least once. 

Going into class now. 

It will be ok. Somehow 

 

Self talk is very important.  Telling yourself that you are sinking or failing isn't helpful or true.  For one thing, none of us have it all together all the time and many of us don't even have it all together most of the time.  We have it "good enough" and that's ok.  There are an awful lot of moving parts for SAHMs and even more when that SAHM is homeschooling as well.  (And there are an awful lot of moving parts for Work at Home moms and Work Out of the Home Moms.)  The reason why people have shared tips or philosophies on time management or laundry or whatever, is partly because threads like these go off on all sorts of tangents without there being a hidden message but also because as someone else mentioned, we are showing that there is "more than one way to skin a cat".  (With apologies to all the cats.  😉  )  We all have slightly different circumstances now and in the past and perhaps something, somewhere, will prove helpful to your specific circumstance.  It's ok to be discerning in choosing what that helpful thing might be but do be aware that you have choices.  It is empowering to know that you have choices.  And that you don't always have to choose the Very Best Thing. 

I like how you ended with "It will be ok."  Because it will be. 

 

Edited by Jean in Newcastle
typo
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5 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Yes, but the bad wife comments are when you simply leave the room. Rinse repeat. He does not have power over you if you don't allow it. Yes, he could continue to follow you and keep assaulting you verbally but then leave the house, go to the library and work on your resume.

I know none of that is easy but sticking up for yourself and expecting respect has to start somewhere. 

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.

I agree. And do you also demonstrate the behavior you want? For example, when he makes dinner, do you thank him and say something good about it? Personally, I think modeling this behavior for children can be very powerful.

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5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Ds struggles with the most basic of tasks. It’s like pulling teeth to get some things done. So I’m just glad we’ve made unloading part of his routine. I have low expectations. It’s easier on me atm. I have to constantly remind him to feed/change water for the cat and some days he’ll say, “she has water” and I’ll say, “is it new?” He’ll say no and I’ll say, “then get her fresh water.” Rinse repeat all the time. 

He has executive functions issues. Time management etc. He loses his pencils all the time, etc. 

Does he have a chore chart so that you can just refer him to it, rather than having to remind him about the specific tasks?

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Quite a few of us on here have children with disabilities, executive function disorders, and adhd so we are just not understanding.  We know how is not easy but they can do it.  You could start easy ( garbage out to can, can to street on trash day if you have it, gathering laundry and put it in the laundry area for you, vacuum) and work up to the harder ones( washer).  A color coded chart might be his thing.  He chooses one from this category and another from that one. 

Edited by itsheresomewhere
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Well you see, I asked for advice on specific things, none of which were, “do you think I’m too hard/soft on the dc regarding chores? What should I do?” 

This is why I’m not always receptive to advice just because it was a thread I started. I was trying to focus on the work boundaries, then divorce/legal info, and also navigating things like how to get a credit report done. 

I’m not mad. I just wanted it to be clear I didn’t technically ask for advice on ds and even stated I didn’t want to talk about him too much. So don’t say, “well you asked.” 

I do need to make him a chore chart. We have done those before but they largely get ignored. I think he could be at a good age to try again. 

I don’t have negative self talk all day. I’m just saying I feel like I’m treading water and people are asking me if I’m ready for the race lol 

I already have culled things in my life. Ds isn’t doing any extracurriculars. In fact he’s supposed to do archery in the yard and now that it’s cooling off maybe he’ll be more willing. Tonight I told the family just eat what we have... there are hot dogs in the fridge and leftover chicken. You may have to cook something. Dh said it’s ok. 

My main focus is can we address ELA and math but we still do some science etc. Its just limited. 

Once things die down with commitments and dr appts I hope we have less running around. 

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3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

It’s the soap that does stuff to fecal coliforms. It washes the germs down the drain. 

Think of it this way. When you wash your hands after using the toilet, you don’t use hot hot hot water. But you do use lots of soap. 

 

Actually it's not the soap.  It's the friction.  That's why recommendations focus more on length of time washing rather than amount of soap.

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5 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Since detergents have changed, I don’t even do that...  (slinking away emoji). And honestly I haven’t noticed our clothes suffering as a result. 

 

I don’t separate like that either.  For me especially since I got big capacity front loader. 

It’s not just detergents.  

Most dyes don’t run even on a very first wash and hardly ever after that.  I’m trying to think of when I have had anything color anything else even with no color segregation—aside from ink pen in the wash. 🙁.   Not for decades.  My grandmother told me to use vinegar at first wash to help set colors, and maybe I do that.  Or not.  I don’t know.  It seems more of a story book problem (Farmer Boy or The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. ... or While Mrs Coverlet was Away — where kids doing laundry end up with red underwear. ) 

I wash pretty much everything medium hot unless unusual load—wool or down or needing extra hot.   Sometimes I use “sanitize” settings.  Sometimes cold.  I often use some naturally disinfecting type additional stuff like vinegar, borax, oxyclean, depending on load.  

Ds washes his own clothes. Usually on cooler settings, I think.  Like “workout wear”.   I taught him how and don’t oversee or micromanage it.  

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Anyway to extent it applies to work/personal boundaries, I think that if someone helps at all with dishes or whatever try to feel happy inside and accept it as a help and good enough, not to add requirements on like “wrong” or right towels.

and if you are doing something for someone else you could similarly go for “reasonable” way of doing, but if he wants just so, his own way, then he can do it himself 

and try to be logical.  If you have a lice problem you’ve got to deal with that, but washing whites at kill louse temperature won’t solve a lice infestation.  And if you don’t have a lice problem you don’t need louse killing temperatures

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The thread was initially about his job and our personal life. Not housework boundaries. Like him using our personal Sam’s club card to stock his library coffee stand. And not getting reimbursed. 

I’m sorry this is getting all murky. And I don’t care how others do their laundry. That’s your house, your business. Please don’t think I’m saying you’re doing it wrong. 

Someone in my house has an issue where they have um leaked in their underwear so yes I’d rather wash undies on hot. 

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I do want to apologize for not being more gracious. 

And if I see Dh it ds helping I will try to show positive reinforcement. When I asked them to load the dishwasher while I was at class tonight ds said he’d rather do laundry lol so I said well the dishwasher is what I need right now but we can do laundry together tomorrow.

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17 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The thread was initially about his job and our personal life. Not housework boundaries. Like him using our personal Sam’s club card to stock his library coffee stand. And not getting reimbursed. 

I’m sorry this is getting all murky. And I don’t care how others do their laundry. That’s your house, your business. Please don’t think I’m saying you’re doing it wrong. 

Someone in my house has an issue where they have um leaked in their underwear so yes I’d rather wash undies on hot. 

 

It morphed a lot in 21 pages! 😉

 

and yet I think the various “boundary” issues are actually probably quite interrelated .  

 

 

I would maybe  ask straight out if he thinks his job is in danger and if that’s why he feels he has to personally pay for things for work.  Maybe he feels that spending $x per year on work is better than being unemployed entirely.

Feeling like his job is precarious could explain a lot of things going on.  

 

Or, could be he cannot keep track of receipts or something and y’all just need a method...

 

Otoh a yard hole not being filled in seems like a par for the course sort of problem...and probably very low priority for maintenance staff.  It’s a pain, but just filling it in might be better than any method of trying to get maintenance yourself or your dh doing so.  

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1 hour ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Quite a few of us on here have children with disabilities, executive function disorders, and adhd so we are just not understanding.  We know how is not easy but they can do it.  You could start easy ( garbage out to can, can to street on trash day if you have it, gathering laundry and put it in the laundry area for you, vacuum) and work up to the harder ones( washer).  A color coded chart might be his thing.  He chooses one from this category and another from that one. 

It isn't just one part of life that makes things difficult.

Heart is dealing with a child with apparent executive function and maybe other difficulties, another child who also has some difficulties, a husband who is not supportive of her parenting efforts or anything else and in fact undermines her in many ways, financial strain, and her own struggles with anxiety and executive function.

Everything together can mean that some things have to be rather neglected, and the intense work of consistently scaffolding her son with household chores may be one of those things.

We each have different burdens, and while sharing "here is something that works for me" is helpful, turning that into "I don't get why you can't just do the same same and see the same success" isn't.

Edited by maize
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7 minutes ago, maize said:

It isn't just one part of life that makes things difficult.

Heart is dealing with a child with apparent executive function and maybe other difficulties, another child who also has some difficulties, a husband who is not supportive of her parenting efforts or anything else and in fact undermines her in many ways, financial strain, and her own struggles with anxiety and executive function.

Everything together can mean that some things have to be rather neglected, and the intense work of consistently scaffolding her son with household chores may be one of those things.

We each have different burdens, and while sharing "here is something that works for me" is helpful, turning that into "I don't get why you can't just do the same same and see the same success" isn't.

Quite a few on here are in the same boat as heart.  They just don’t say it. Heart is needed to control to try to get above water.  We are showing her little ways she can and let control go in some ways.  There is not right nor wrong but sometimes hearing those ways can give us a light bulb moment down the road that helps.  That is what we are doing.  Telling her that to let her DS help and try is a good thing.  One day she might try and realized it wasn’t as bad as she thought. And someone else reading this thread who is having the same problems it might help too. 

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12 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

The thread was initially about his job and our personal life. Not housework boundaries. Like him using our personal Sam’s club card to stock his library coffee stand. And not getting reimbursed. 

I’m sorry this is getting all murky. And I don’t care how others do their laundry. That’s your house, your business. Please don’t think I’m saying you’re doing it wrong. 

Someone in my house has an issue where they have um leaked in their underwear so yes I’d rather wash undies on hot. 

 

12 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I do want to apologize for not being more gracious. 

And if I see Dh it ds helping I will try to show positive reinforcement. When I asked them to load the dishwasher while I was at class tonight ds said he’d rather do laundry lol so I said well the dishwasher is what I need right now but we can do laundry together tomorrow.

Threads this long tend to go in a million different directions. Sorry we bombarded you with information! :) We love you, girl. Hang in there. Even if you have to wait a year, two years, three years, just keep working your plan. (Job, independence, disassociation from jerky behavior.) And yeah, even if you plan on leaving eventually, there's no harm in learning to react with kindness as much as possible,

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14 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Well you see, I asked for advice on specific things, none of which were, “do you think I’m too hard/soft on the dc regarding chores? What should I do?” 

This is why I’m not always receptive to advice just because it was a thread I started. I was trying to focus on the work boundaries, then divorce/legal info, and also navigating things like how to get a credit report done. 

I’m not mad. I just wanted it to be clear I didn’t technically ask for advice on ds and even stated I didn’t want to talk about him too much. So don’t say, “well you asked.” 

I do need to make him a chore chart. We have done those before but they largely get ignored. I think he could be at a good age to try again. 

I don’t have negative self talk all day. I’m just saying I feel like I’m treading water and people are asking me if I’m ready for the race lol 

I already have culled things in my life. Ds isn’t doing any extracurriculars. In fact he’s supposed to do archery in the yard and now that it’s cooling off maybe he’ll be more willing. Tonight I told the family just eat what we have... there are hot dogs in the fridge and leftover chicken. You may have to cook something. Dh said it’s ok. 

My main focus is can we address ELA and math but we still do some science etc. Its just limited. 

Once things die down with commitments and dr appts I hope we have less running around. 

 

As a heads up from a single mom dealing with a teen Ds and various issues in our lives including EF, time spent dealing with EF now is likely to reap abundant future benefits/ or in the reverse, avoid as huge issues later on as there may be if not dealt with. 

Not really a too hard/soft issue so much as a learning issue.

And it’s really hard when we ourselves aren’t good at something our dc need.  

But with excellent EF skills and some basics in reading, learning history etc in future won’t be that hard.  Nor will navigating boundaries in life be as hard.  Whereas more history study and less work on EF IMO is likely to have long term negative repercussions.  It is much easier to learn basic EF by emphasizing it heavily in 6th grade period of life.  

Teen years of dc are almost upon you and chances are it will be much harder to get your Ds learning chores and organizing time and space as a teen.  I’m saying this from POV of someone struggling now in dc teen years.  History from earliest nomads to fall of USSR and 20th Century studies and a lot of other history from Homeschooling was lots of fun.  However, I think my Ds would have been better off (and me too) with much more emphasis on EF, chores routine etc, than history etc.  

This then can affect adult child-parent relations and also how dc will deal with possible future spouses, jobs, etc.   (I mean, I don’t know that yet for a fact with my own Ds, but am sure that it’s so from others I know). 

 

Edited by Pen
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Last night no one had touched the sink and the pile was bigger. At that point all I could do was try to find the humor in it and ds and I laughed when I said, “but it’s worse! lol” Dh said the kids worked on the pathway by the door that was cluttered. At least they tried to do something. 

I know when I get mad I’m only hurting myself. So I’m trying to spare myself. Just handle things, move forward and try to get the kids in better habits. That’s all I can do. 

The kids were wide awake when I got home. 9:30 pm. No one had brushed their teeth. Dh wasn’t ushering them to bed. He was gaming in the office and they were watching screens in the living room. I ate the remainder of dd’s pancake for my dinner and cleaned the dishes. I had ds make sure Dh brushed dd’s teeth while I was doing that. I get to play bad cop. So I got everyone to bed, unclogged the sink (grapes were clogging it) and started some laundry. This morning I finished loading the dishwasher and ran it before I left the house. I went to my eye exam and now I have to wear these darn shades lol my vision isn’t blurry like it was an hr ago. I renewed the car tag and the price was lower than stated!! I was so excited. We were expecting over $100 and it was about $40. I put the new tag on the car. Dh said he was supposed to go out this morning but I had no idea. So he tried to make me feel bad for being “late.” I was like look, all I did was get an eye exam and walk to the car tag office (they are beside each other). He at least admitted he didn’t bring it up yesterday to remind me. I told him (again) please put it in writing. He wasn’t even dressed and canceled his meeting with the person. 

ok so now I’m on the fence about the fair and other dr office. Depends on my eyes. 

Dh’s car tag isn’t due this month. It was just mine. I got confused. 

Yes, I think I personally may have some EF issues or at least the whole time management thing which overlaps. Kids have told me before you know you spent X minutes in the store and I had no idea. That’s why I hate going out if someone is waiting on me. I enjoy taking my time if I can get points (Shopkick etc) or exercise (steps) lol I try to be faster if others are with me. I shopped alone after class last night. 

I have gotten my teeth cleaned recently and eyes checked this month. That makes me feel like I’m getting things knocked out if I have to go work. 

If I do eventually buy myself a Mac I’ll try to do it from Best Buy. I used to work there and one location sells them. They offer the interest free financing on certain purchases. But not anytime soon... just thinking ahead. And the card would just be in my name. 

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We did not go to the fair and dd still needs those guides painted on but we’ll have to try next Wed. I did line up her binasal occlusion stickers based on her old lenses (the office gave them back to me) so she was able to wear those a few hours as instructed. Without the paint it’s hard to angle them right. But also, I think the paint helps prevent her eye turn when she’s not wearing the stickers. So we’ll just use the old lenses as our guide til I can get her there. That office is only open on Wednesday’s. 

The kids were totally fine with staying home today. Dh printed a buttload of stuff for me today (late in the day but! I got it and I didn’t have to upgrade my instantink plan again to do so). I had the kids help me punch holes in all our pages with the industrial-strength hole puncher at the library. We went on a walk and ds said he felt like today was a fail and I spoke the words of the hive (lol). I said, “no, it’s not! We are going on a walk (PE), you learned how to do laundry (home ec), and [whatever else he did which was some math & reading iirc].” The weather is cooling down so walks are much more bearable now! We plan on walking today. 

I know they are having a free fall festival this Saturday with pony rides. Dh and ds are going to their monthly gaming event so I think I’ll take dd to ride a pony. She will LOVE that. I gave ds an option and he chose the gaming which is totally fine. Maybe we can work on regular skating this year and try to ice skate next time the fair is in town! 

Ds learned how to use the washing machine today. We washed a blanket and sheet together on COLD LOL. I was like you know what, some people choose different settings and this blanket tag actually says cold so let’s just go with that. 

Ds wants to cook more but I can tell is only excited about certain things so I suggested he pick out a recipe and we may have to pick out ingredients next time we go to the store. 

Dh made so many pancakes I might freeze some. 

I brought Dh dinner to work and he bought me a drink from the vending machine since I was not feeling well and thought I’d need to go to the store for one. I drink Gatorade when I feel icky. It helps (headaches). 

I felt like I was in a functional family for the most part today. Ds entire the dishwasher and I reloaded it. I explained the towels to him stating that it’s not really that big of a deal but I usually use the “I’m not a paper towel” towel as the hand towel. 

Kids took forever to settle down tonight so I’ll push back bedtime again tomorrow. 

As for the coffee service, yes, sometimes he does imply it’s job security to have it and I guess he’s willing to “take one for the team.” He implemented the coffee/food area to help foot traffic. Some people only started coming in for that. That includes faculty! 

I found several receipts (some I’m sure are lost forever.. although you can get Sam’s to reprint if you know the date) but he said the service didn’t have the funds to pay us back or something? It’s a non profit thing where they break even. I don’t really get how he does things but he’s mostly delegated it to another librarian this year. She’s doing a poor job so he recently bought stuff again and I don’t know whose funds. I’m trying to just let it go. 

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If the library has decided to offer free coffee to the public, then the library needs to budget for it.  Expecting it to come from employee’s pockets isn’t reasonable.  It’s pretty normal in non-profits or academic settings for the staff coffee to be something the coffee drinkers pool in for it and I wouldn’t worry about that but from the update it sounds like he’s supplying coffee as a library function.  No one in non-profit or academic settings makes enough money to be carrying that cost.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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21 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

If the library has decided to offer free coffee, then the library needs to budget for it.  

It’s not free. They charge per cup. Refills I think are a small fee. I think the whole thing is a mess. I know he used to go through this one vendor that would only sell coffee sleeves in bulk and so he would be paying for them oop and then paying himself back when they had the funds?? Something wacky like that. I’ve been against anything that takes money from our personal funds from the start. He insisted it was a good thing. They did cancel the hot food service though. For a while they had hot food available and I believe the warming plates were bought with our personal funds along with several other items in the library storage area. So, if I ever need it, that’s my giant tea pitcher and my warming plates 🙄

Edited by heartlikealion
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I have a stack of receipts (of the ones I found so assume more exist) that o collected for him which he later refused to turn in for reimbursement. They total $196. Some of those charges were on the cc. The only good thing was since it was on our personal Sam’s Club acct the purchases helped our Sam’s club cash back allowance that went toward renewing our membership the next year. 

I checked my credit score on Credit Karma. It’s in the low 700s. So that’s good. 

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3 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

If the library has decided to offer free coffee to the public, then the library needs to budget for it.  Expecting it to come from employee’s pockets isn’t reasonable.  It’s pretty normal in non-profits or academic settings for the staff coffee to be something the coffee drinkers pool in for it and I wouldn’t worry about that but from the update it sounds like he’s supplying coffee as a library function.  No one in non-profit or academic settings makes enough money to be carrying that cost.  

Yes it’s a coffee service and his idea and his choosing for employees to foot bills they may or may not be reimbursed for. I just asked him if he was leaving town today because we need water. He said he’s taking a work vehicle so he can’t stop and buy water but he has some at work he can give me. I said huh? That’s water we bought from our personal money? He said yes because the other librarian made an expensive error and they had no funds for water but homecoming is approaching and people will expect water. Part of me thinks, “oh well!! Let them buy drinks from the vending machine” but I’m sure it’s expected. They always provide drinks & snacks. 

So to sum up, we bought 2 cases of water with our own money but he’s going to ration it out to me?! Good grief. That’s my d@mn water lol 

he said he has an envelope at work with more Sam’s club receipts. I said why won’t you pursue getting our money back? He said, “because there is no money in the fund.” He says one day he will ask for it. I said, “do you think they’ll honor it so long after the fact??” 

To me it’s a sunk cost. I will probably never see that money again.

Edited by heartlikealion
sunk not sink lol
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Please clarify:

Do people normally have to pay to print things at the library?

Are you asking your dh to print homeschooling materials for you while at work at library?

If there’s a page cost for people to print there usually, is he paying it?

Sounds like maybe another work / personal boundary violation, this time with $ in your favor 

———

———

Do you live in a place with unsafe tap water? 

Is the college’s water unsafe? 

Im wondering about why water purchase is needed. 

————

————

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes it’s a coffee service and his idea and his choosing for employees to foot bills they may or may not be reimbursed for.

 

He chose for just himself to foot bills that might not be reimbursed?

or he is requiring that of employees he is the boss over? 

 

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13 minutes ago, Pen said:

Please clarify:

Do people normally have to pay to print things at the library?

Are you asking your dh to print homeschooling materials for you while at work at library?

If there’s a page cost for people to print there usually, is he paying it?

Sounds like maybe another work / personal boundary violation, this time with $ in your favor 

———

———

Do you live in a place with unsafe tap water? 

Is the college’s water unsafe? 

Im wondering about why water purchase is needed. 

————

————

 

He chose for just himself to foot bills that might not be reimbursed?

or he is requiring that of employees he is the boss over? 

 

Students & community members can use the printers for free. There are specific hours for community members to visit the library. He can hit print before, during, or after his shift. That’s his call. I’ve asked him before about the printing rules. He said it’s fine. But I don’t print all my stuff there. 

He chose to do it that way (footing the bill) and now he asks a librarian to stock the coffee service and she turns in the forms for reimbursement so if she doesn’t turn in the form she is paying oop. I think it’s a terrible dynamic. She doesn’t have a Sam’s membership either so she often buys from a smaller grocery in small quantities and doesn’t keep up with demand. Then people will say is there any creamer? (Or whatever). He does not want to just let the service die. It helps foot traffic. He says there aren’t always funds so I’m not sure how quickly she gets money back. 

We have crappy water. Our water is different from the campus water (some houses closer to the campus are on campus water & don’t get a water bill. We do get a bill). I consider it unsafe. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Students & community members can use the printers for free. There are specific hours for community members to visit the library. He can hit print before, during, or after his shift. That’s his call. I’ve asked him before about the printing rules. He said it’s fine. But I don’t print all my stuff there. 

 

Good to hear.

9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He chose to do it that way (footing the bill) and now he asks a librarian to stock the coffee service and she turns in the forms for reimbursement so if she doesn’t turn in the form she is paying oop. I think it’s a terrible dynamic. She doesn’t have a Sam’s membership either so she often buys from a smaller grocery in small quantities and doesn’t keep up with demand. Then people will say is there any creamer? (Or whatever).

 

It does sound like a dynamic that might have another person/family in distress too. 

 

9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He does not want to just let the service die. It helps foot traffic.

 

Foot traffic is important why?

Fear of job loss? 

 

 

9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He says there aren’t always funds so I’m not sure how quickly she gets money back. 

We have crappy water. Our water is different from the campus water (some houses closer to the campus are on campus water & don’t get a water bill. We do get a bill). I consider it unsafe. 

 

Maybe looking into saving up for an excellent portable home filter would be worth while.  

Being the water providers for the college seems like a thing that should not be happening—

unless your dh has determined that if he doesn’t spend $x for such things he’ll be out of job entirely 

 

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If the library coffee is something people getting it pay something for, I wonder if there’s room for that to be a little mini business for someone (you and Ds as part of homeschooling learning?) to figure out how to run it so it would at least not lose money, and maybe bring a profit.  Seems like getting supplies wholesale rather than retail would be a start.

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I think each location has to keep tabs on foot traffic (IDs are scanned). This is important probably for more than one reason. I don’t know all the specifics. I doubt they have actual figures on the faculty (maybe just check out totals?) but when people use/visit the library it’s a good thing. We had counters on our doors in a store I worked in. It helped validate store hours and such. 

I don’t know how often he foots the bill fr the food/drinks. I don’t think that was the original plan but someone else screwed up the budget. 

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2 minutes ago, Pen said:

If the library coffee is something people getting it pay something for, I wonder if there’s room for that to be a little mini business for someone (you and Ds as part of homeschooling learning?) to figure out how to run it so it would at least not lose money, and maybe bring a profit.  Seems like getting supplies wholesale rather than retail would be a start.

Dh said it’s not allowed to make a profit. 

As for water, I wouldn’t drink it just because of a filter. It comes out brown sometimes. 

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59 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh said it’s not allowed to make a profit. 

As for water, I wouldn’t drink it just because of a filter. It comes out brown sometimes. 

I use a water distiller, gets everything out. They are available under $200 on Amazon, if you are buying all your water in bottles it would probably pay for itself quickly.

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Not making a profit doesn't mean you can't charge a bit more than retail price for individual items so that you have a bit of a cushion on hand and to account for people who take the food without paying. If there are frequently no funds to reimburse people who purchase the food the whole thing is being mismanaged.

BUT

That is your husband's problem, probably not something you can do much about. If your family funds being expended are minor I'd let it go; many people do put money of their own into a job, including K-12 teachers many of whom buy supplies for their classrooms out of pocket.

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8 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

Do you know the details on this?   What is the brown from?  Manganese? Iron ? Sand?  Work on other areas in the system, which means you need to flush your system before using it again?   Do your neighbors also see brown when you see brown?   Have you had the water tested when its brown and when its not?

 

 

1 minute ago, maize said:

I use a water distiller, gets everything out. They are available under $200 on Amazon, if you are buying all your water in bottles it would probably pay for itself quickly.

 

I don’t know what all is in the water and what filters actually remove. I’ve never felt confident in the water. We have had a couple boil water alerts before, too. 

Maize, could you link me so I can look at the product? 

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Just now, maize said:

Not make a profit doesn't mean you can't charge a bit more than retail price for individual items so that you have a bit of a cusion on hand and to account for people who take the food without paying. If there are frequently no funds to reimburse people who purchase the food the who thing is being mismanaged.

BUT

That is your husband's problem, probably not something you can do much about. If your family funds being expended are minor I'd let it go; many people do put money of their own into a job, including K-12 teachers many of whom buy supplies for their classrooms out of pocket.

The water this time was like $10, but the stack of receipts I have is $196 plus whatever stack he has. Purchase totals varied. He’d buy stuff like creamer and muffins. 

Yes, I think they may have charged just a bit over but it’s still a mess imo. 

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Just now, HeighHo said:

 

Are you on your own private well, or are you in municipal system?

Do your neighbors have brown water when you do?

It’s not a well. 

I think they do. It’s random; I’ve never called the neighbors to ask, “did you have brown water a few minutes ago?” Yesterday ds turned on the water and said, “never mind, I’ll shower later.” I said, “just let it run til it runs clear. I think it’s ok.” 

Its one of those things where if I keep asking I probably will be told oh it’s normal. I have a friend in larger city that kept asking questions about theirs and was dissatisfied with the answers. I think hers has high amounts of chlorine and stuff. 

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