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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

If he was on board she could send papers for an irreconcilable differences he’d had to sign within a month and agree to 100% which is like a 50/50 split I think. Or whatever we offered? 

And if I tried to get a divorce with another section of legal services (free) they wouldn’t even look at my case til I’d been separated 6 months! 

She can’t represent me as long as we live together and says I don’t have grounds. What they need is very specific and basically he can hit the kids but not me. She asked how hard he hit, if he left bruises. Said I’d need a witness to testify to things, too. 

So basically I guess I’m just gonna have to make this work or duke fir divorce in the future and pay out of pocket. She couldn’t even tell me if another lawyer would let me get a divorce. She said it depends of the lawyer would take your case. 

She said it’s hard to get a divorce in MS. 

What does the bolded mean?  

And lots of places make it difficult to get a divorce if one spouse is fighting it.  If nothing else just dragging it out.  

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What does the bolded mean?  

And lots of places make it difficult to get a divorce if one spouse is fighting it.  If nothing else just dragging it out.  

If she wrote up papers for divorce under the category irreconcilable differences then he’d have to agree to the terms completely to file. And sign off on them within a month of receiving them. 

I’m done. There’s nothing else to do here. Not right now, anyway.  

Yeah disassociate is easier said than done. 

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I’m trying to look on the bright side. If I stay home and homeschool I can continue to spend time with the kids. If I get a job we can move closer to the city and a better school district. 

I will work on saving money each month. 

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

If she wrote up papers for divorce under the category irreconcilable differences then he’d have to agree to the terms completely to file. And sign off on them within a month of receiving them. 

I’m done. There’s nothing else to do here. Not right now, anyway.  

Yeah disassociate is easier said than done. 

Oh I see.  Well that is basically what I have been telling you all along.....that if you really want a divorce you should work on getting the two of you to agree to the terms.  But usually that is not so easy to do with a spouse who is so hard to get along with you want to divorce.  

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Just now, heartlikealion said:

I’m trying to look on the bright side. If I stay home and homeschool I can continue to spend time with the kids. If I get a job we can move closer to the city and a better school district. 

I will work on saving money each month. 

That is what I did.  And there is a lot of value in that.  

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Heart, you're not done. I know you are discouraged, but you've got a lot more information than you had before and a better idea of what your options look like. You've updated your resume and completed some job applications. You've made excellent progress in a few days.

Keep working on the employment front; work on building a life for yourself that does not depend on or revolve around your dh.

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Also:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎉🎂🎈🎉🎂🎈🎉🎂🎈🎉🎂🎈🎉🎂🎈🎉🎂🎈 

 

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I meant I’m done pursuing a divorce atm. I’m not giving up on making a nest egg or such. 

Ds made my day today. I told him if I got a job he’d have to go back to public school but I’d get him in a better school district. I asked how he felt. He said he thinks he learns more at home but he likes the prospect of a good education at a better B&M school than the one he attended.

my inlaws didn’t acknowledge my birthday which is a bit weird. Maybe they have had enough of me /shrug 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Do you have to get a divorce to leave? If he continues to be abusive just take the kids and leave. The state can make it hard to get a divorce but they cannot force you to live with him. Obviously leaving would be easier if you had a job and/or some money saved up or some supportive friend or family that could take you in. But please don't resign yourself to just putting up with his abuse.

Susan in TX

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I suppose technically you don’t? But then it could turn into a thing where he takes the kids back? And so forth. The kids still love him and want to be around him a good portion of the time. And I have no money for an apartment. 

He’s not a cartoon villain that is evil all day. 

Amazon prime automatically renewed today 😬 Inlaws did not offer to pay this time. And our car tags are due this month.

despite that, I’ll probably take the kids to the fair Wed. I got some birthday money I’ll use if necessary.  Admission and parking is free before 1 pm. We could go visit the eye dr while we’re out to get the lenses painted for dd (at her VT office she said we could swing by for the polish on the new lenses). And maybe drop off my CAARS form while I’m out. 

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34 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

Do you have to get a divorce to leave? If he continues to be abusive just take the kids and leave. The state can make it hard to get a divorce but they cannot force you to live with him. Obviously leaving would be easier if you had a job and/or some money saved up or some supportive friend or family that could take you in. But please don't resign yourself to just putting up with his abuse.

Susan in TX

I think she said MS doesn't recognize legal separation.  that makes it harder to separate finances so she's not liable for his debts and expenses.

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I do wonder if once you are working and have more money coming in, and he knows you COULD leave, it will change his behavior simply by changing the power dynamic. 

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Please, please, please do not just resign yourself to this life. My sisters and I thought much of our life growing up was normal. We honestly thought that the normal, happy families were only on TV and not something real. (It still confounds me, as an adult, that many families like each other and get along with each other.) We still wanted to spend time with our abusive father, but we did have to be careful about it. Anything to keep him away from the home was good because he couldn't lose it in public. We had lots of time spent at hockey games, baseball games, movies, and air shows because home was bad. It doesn't mean that all three of us don't still to this day suffer from what did happen, despite not being physically abused.

I'm not saying that your family life is the same as mine growing up or that you will cause irreparable harm to your children by staying, but I am saying to consider other options.

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5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I suppose technically you don’t? But then it could turn into a thing where he takes the kids back? And so forth. The kids still love him and want to be around him a good portion of the time. And I have no money for an apartment. 

He’s not a cartoon villain that is evil all day. 

Amazon prime automatically renewed today 😬 Inlaws did not offer to pay this time. And our car tags are due this month.

despite that, I’ll probably take the kids to the fair Wed. I got some birthday money I’ll use if necessary.  Admission and parking is free before 1 pm. We could go visit the eye dr while we’re out to get the lenses painted for dd (at her VT office she said we could swing by for the polish on the new lenses). And maybe drop off my CAARS form while I’m out. 

 

Most abusive men aren't. It would make life much easier if they were. 

In reality, abuse can involve extended periods of 'good' time. 

Imo, all day villians will f#ck you up way less than your average abusive husband. 

Anyway, happy birthday! - hope you and the kids are able to get to the fair. Don't despair re the divorce - the more important thing is to get in the habit of using your energy towards your goals, whether that is going to the fair or getting a job - instead of using it ruminating on his behaviour.

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1 minute ago, StellaM said:

Imo, all day villians will f#ck you up way less than your average abusive husband. 

So much truth!

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1 minute ago, Ktgrok said:

I do wonder if once you are working and have more money coming in, and he knows you COULD leave, it will change his behavior simply by changing the power dynamic. 

 

It can do this (though plenty of women with jobs and money of their own are abused anyway), but it can also change Heart's situation in that it can be part of rebuilding self-esteem, and provide her with a broader network of people and opportunities.  A job is really a good thing for many women. I don't think it's worth going into a p/t or f/t job with the goal that it will change your abuser, but it definitely is worth doing anyway.

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1 minute ago, StellaM said:

 

It can do this (though plenty of women with jobs and money of their own are abused anyway), but it can also change Heart's situation in that it can be part of rebuilding self-esteem, and provide her with a broader network of people and opportunities.  A job is really a good thing for many women. I don't think it's worth going into a p/t or f/t job with the goal that it will change your abuser, but it definitely is worth doing anyway.

 

Yes, I think what Heart needs now is a job. It'll provide her with a network, and an income that she can use for self-sufficiency. 

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9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I think she said MS doesn't recognize legal separation.  that makes it harder to separate finances so she's not liable for his debts and expenses.

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

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36 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

It can do this (though plenty of women with jobs and money of their own are abused anyway), but it can also change Heart's situation in that it can be part of rebuilding self-esteem, and provide her with a broader network of people and opportunities.  A job is really a good thing for many women. I don't think it's worth going into a p/t or f/t job with the goal that it will change your abuser, but it definitely is worth doing anyway.

Agreed. I think she needs to do it to be safer, to have an out if things get worse, to have people she can rely on for a support network, etc etc. I was more just wondering out loud about the power dynamic. 

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29 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

If there is no legal separation than debts are still shared just as they are for any other married couple. Or at least, they can be. 

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40 minutes ago, kdsuomi said:

Please, please, please do not just resign yourself to this life. My sisters and I thought much of our life growing up was normal. We honestly thought that the normal, happy families were only on TV and not something real. (It still confounds me, as an adult, that many families like each other and get along with each other.) We still wanted to spend time with our abusive father, but we did have to be careful about it. Anything to keep him away from the home was good because he couldn't lose it in public. We had lots of time spent at hockey games, baseball games, movies, and air shows because home was bad. It doesn't mean that all three of us don't still to this day suffer from what did happen, despite not being physically abused.

I'm not saying that your family life is the same as mine growing up or that you will cause irreparable harm to your children by staying, but I am saying to consider other options.

I do not think public outings would necessarily be his time with kids. He’s quite a homebody much of the time with the exception of movie theaters and eating out. Plus his monthly gaming event that he and Ds attend. 

I’m sorry you went through that. 

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55 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

If there is no legal separation than debts are still shared just as they are for any other married couple. Or at least, they can be. 

 

Mississippi is not a community property state so if her name is not on the debt, she is not liable for it. She said that the credit card was not a joint account so she is just an authorized user on that account. If that is the case she is not liable for that debt. 

Susan in TX

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1 hour ago, Susan in TX said:

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

 

That would be worth asking about .  And getting her own card for in case needed.

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7 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

Mississippi is not a community property state so if her name is not on the debt, she is not liable for it. She said that the credit card was not a joint account so she is just an authorized user on that account. If that is the case she is not liable for that debt. 

Susan in TX

 

I don’t know if that applies to debt during a marriage.  

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I called my sister (the empath). She couldn’t handle the info. She’s had too much going on in her own life. Her reaction was partly concern about being subpoena’d. I was like who determines that?? (After hearing how uncomfortable she was I was like don’t worry I wouldn’t ask that). But I don’t know who determines that. I told her I won’t tell her about this stuff in the future. 

The store got so mixed up with my fabric order they handed me 10 yards for my skirt!! lol I said I ordered one roll of elastic (5yrds) and 2 yards of fabric. They must have thought quantity 2 of the 5yrds. I said just take back 8. 

Im thinking of opening a Target cc in my own name to build credit and use occasionally (and pay off immediately). 

Edited by heartlikealion
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2 hours ago, Slache said:

You can call Amazon and cancel. They will refund you.

He asked his mom if they could split the bill and she said they like to pay every other year so are paying it. I thought they paid it last time but maybe not 

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Not that it matters much now but I did get proof of purchase on those computers. 

One was from Amazon and one was from New Egg. Both purchased in the same calendar year. One at beginning; one at end. 

https://www.amazon.com/CybertronPC-Kombat-X-GM4242E-Discontinued-Manufacturer/dp/B00A2J4XVQ

this but in red/black 

($999.99) 

https://www.newegg.com/acer-predator-ag3-605-ur20/p/N82E16883103821

($899.99) 

Edited by heartlikealion

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Maybe from your pay after you get job a new MacBook Pro for yourself could be one of your priorities. 

Portable and so you can grow your marketable skills.  

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And maybe with what you now know you can feel stronger to take a much more assertive stance on many things.  

 

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Not that it matters much now but I did get proof of purchase on those computers. 

One was from Amazon and one was from New Egg. Both purchased in the same calendar year. One at beginning; one at end. 

https://www.amazon.com/CybertronPC-Kombat-X-GM4242E-Discontinued-Manufacturer/dp/B00A2J4XVQ

this but in red/black 

($999.99) 

https://www.newegg.com/acer-predator-ag3-605-ur20/p/N82E16883103821

($899.99) 

Well I think it does matter.  It is good to have clarity.  And it is good to have a group like this one to help you see that although your husband is not a monster he doesn’t treat you right.  

I strongly encourage you to work on your side of the street.  That is not to be confused with just becoming a door mat.  Continue to speak up and act on your behalf and the children’s.    But do not respond in kind, do not become petty, do not become bitter.  Focus on the joy in your life.  Control what you can and try to disengage on what you can’t.  

Edited by Scarlett
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Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

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11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

Perhaps it would help for perspective to read the thread on “if you’re in a two parent family “ on the General Ed board. Definitely work on better communication. And in standing up for yourself and the kids. But also be aware that many, if not most of us, have similar workloads and even similar gripes about having things left to us. This isn’t discounting your needs but I think that it is easy to fall into a trap where we feel like we’re the only one facing certain situations. 

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I wonder if everyone could work together on something like loading dW?  An assembly line with each doing what he she can depending on back pain, finger cuts etc.  

which reminds me I need a new pair rubber gloves

 

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37 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

 

Maybe if you think of yourself as a single parent it would help. 

 

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I think it was just extra annoying because it was my birthday lol 

 

Yeah!  That would be! 

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In that dishwasher example I'd simply leave the sink full of dishes. Once I have delegated a task to someone else I write it off my list of things to do. If that means we don't have dishes I don't mind. Someone else eventually does the task, it may take a long time but it gets done. Dishes.i imagine would get done sooner than something like laundry though

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Though as a single mom, I have not had any special consideration for my birthday other than gifts to myself!  Not even meatloaf because someone else wanted meatloaf lol

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But heart, you know my current situation and a lot of that has to do with feeling like a single parent for years. And my dh didn't even intend to make me feel that way.  

Standing up for my right to not be the only one doing everything in the house started with me simply refusing to do certain tasks and getting comfortable with the idea that if it doesn't get done I don't care. 

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5 minutes ago, Pen said:

Though as a single mom, I have not had any special consideration for my birthday other than gifts to myself!  Not even meatloaf because someone else wanted meatloaf lol

 

True, being a single mom is very different than how a married wife in heart's situation feels. However, as a married person she should be able to expect help, specifically when she speaks up and asks for the help she needs because she does have a partner capable of doing those things. 

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If Ds is homeschooling such that he can do or not do homework at a particular time, it might also make more sense to prioritize him doing dishes over schoolwork.   School could be extended into summer to make up for time lost to dishes if needed.  And you could just make that a direct assignment to Ds.

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I wonder what would happen if you did refuse to mow the lawn.  At what point would the school discipline HIM for not taking care of the property?  I'm not saying to do it, I'm just curious.

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2 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

because she does have a partner capable of doing those things. 

 

We don’t actually know that.  If he has spinal disk trouble, loading DW may be quite hard for him.  

In a good marriage they “should “ be able to talk about it.  Maybe he more consistently cooks, and she more consistently loads dW. 

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Nope, things literally will not get done. Trust me. Dishes can be stacked up for weeks. I was busting my tail to do them before our last trip (Sept) because who wants to return to a dirty kitchen? Dh didn’t care enough to do it but cared enough to urge me to do it the day before. I wasn’t doing it for him, though. I was doing it for myself. 

I’ve suffered mentally from living in clutter. He has the escape of leaving the house many hours a day. It takes a toll on women more than men. 

Ds already unloaded the dishwasher. I just wanted him to focus on the school because we’ve already fallen “behind” from not getting enough one on one time, leaving the house for hours when he was taking that English class, travel (I was quite distracted trying to visit with family and figure out my marriage situation), etc. I told myself, and ds, that my main concern is math & English so at the very least he needs to do math and we’re trying to sort out the English curriculum dilemma. I’ve asked Dh to print the remainder of our old curriculum (that we didn’t use) so we can at least see if there’s stuff in it we can still do. Meanwhile I’m debating buying the teacher edition of WWS since he got the student copy for that class we dropped. 

Also I’m thinking I could go back to work and none of this may matter. So my head is spinning. 

So I picked up the onion Dh requested for his meatloaf but he didn’t load the dishwasher. Yeah petty but I was annoyed. Especially since he points out flaws with the home all the time. 

I learned a few years ago I can be mad something isn’t done or get it done. Second option anger is optional lol 

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If you get the job in the city and get an apartment for you and the kids there, and he's living alone...  what will happen?  Will he live like a slob and expect you to drive over and take care of the dishes and the lawn while he games and ignores the kids every weekend?

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