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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I quit ironing. Now he runs his shirt in the dryer briefly before work sometimes — although it doesn’t always help enough! But he won’t pick up the iron. 

Currently I sometimes make him lunch and drop off or put in fridge. Not every day, though. He’s super fussy about clothes and asked me not to wash his dress clothes with other items because he heated that’s why they were getting smudges. I have no idea! So I do a separate load just for his clothes. I do the folding and if they get put away it’s because I did it or had the kids help. 

I guess I wash more towels because of him. He also uses oversized towels so that takes up more room in washer/shelf but not a huge deal. 

I do most of the Christmas shopping but he gets mad sometimes lol like I left him out. I’m just better with the budget and I shop year round. I am not going to text him every time I see an item. If we weren’t together I don’t know if I’d need to? I’ve wanted us to lower the budget or draw names but his family never gets on board. I suggested the name drawing for adults this year. (Shopping list: MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, niece,  nephew, Mil’s friend/honorary aunt + her adult child that comes over, & some family on my side. We both pick out some items for our kids. He has overrode my decisions on Santa gifts before and that was frustrating. One year was a $60 Fall Out Boy game too mature for ds. Another year was a TV I never agreed to). 

I do the grocery shopping (I’d do even if I was single but without regard to his current requests. Last time he balked at ground turkey so I bought beef). 

Yard 

Pick up mail (packages and po box). They have wonky hours so I usually have to do it. 

Submit all the receipts for the flex spending card (our medical receipts including his dr appointments). .

Last year I went to get his new car tag and put it on the vehicle. 

So it doesn't sounds like a lot but it would make a difference

 

 

If you

1) felt loved and like you were emotionally supported  (not emotionally trashed) by him

And

2) weren’t as stressed by financial difficulties paying for basics while he was buying toys for himself and movies and meals with friends

and

3) he didn’t act controlling 

would a sort of old fashioned or stereotypical 1950’s like “man works at office / woman deals with kids and home” arrangement be okay for you?

 

still think in many ways a job would be a good thing for you—just wondering how much issue is dishes versus feeling unloved.

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What would happen if you simply replied to his demands to do his laundry with a "no." And if he begins to verbally assault you about it you just left the room. 

I know we all have to pick our battles but it sounds like he gets his way in all the battles he starts. It is going to be increasingly difficult to continue to homeschool, keep up with housework, do all you do to keep the budget intact, etc while also aggressively job hunting. Something will have to give in order to make room for job hunting and it certainly shouldn't be homeschooling, meal prep, or keeping the house at a certain cleanliness level. 

My fear for you if you don't find a way to take some things off your plate is you'll slow down on the job hunt and that will lead you back to where you've been stuck.

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I've always hated dishes lol But if I feel loved I can enjoy cooking and maybe even cleaning lol. I used to hate cooking, but now I don't mind... although it depends on what I'm making. I don't know how to cook a ton of things, but I make do. Baked chicken, roasted veggies, eggs, etc. are common here. We're not real fancy. Dh and I don't see eye to eye on food though so that can be frustrating. For example, he'd like me to make meals maybe from his mom's cook book or such. But a lot of her food is what we'd describe as rich and dh always says after visiting them, "ugh, I can't eat like that. It's too rich." Supposedly he wants to eat healthier ... for months that's why we used ground turkey. Suddenly ground turkey isn't good enough? He can't make up his mind.

I guess if I felt more loved I'd go out of my way more to make meals he really liked. We've had some things many times and then out of the blue he says he doesn't want/like it. I made stir fry this week. I just cooked chicken and used a bagged veggie mix + soy sauce. He said he didn't like the bag mix. Didn't eat it. I made a huge pot of gumbo using a bag mix as the base and added cubbed ham, turkey sausage, and okra. He really liked it. Then didn't touch it for the next two days as the leftovers sat there. On the third? day I said I was maybe going to have to toss it (I'd been eating on it every day). He said it was okay and I said well then do you want the rest? Because you've barely touched it. He finished it. But he does this all the time. Leaves leftovers in there untouched or used to come home and complain there was no food. Now if I cook he might come home and say oh the students picked me up food from the cafeteria. Then he forgets to take my dinner leftovers to lunch the next day. If I don't pack it, he will not take it. He used to say oh get up early with me, it'd be great if we could have oatmeal together. Some days I would and he'd rush out of here saying no time to eat (while I had the oatmeal ready on the stove). Alternatively I'd make a batch the night before and he'd just need to microwave a bowl. But he wouldn't do it. I found it infuriating. I haven't made him breakfast in a long time. 

So in a certain situation, yes, I could handle the traditional roles. But not like this. 

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The shirts are so complicated :(

He let me order all these shirts online and then later tells me the sleeves are too short. I'm like seriously? Well if I had known we wouldn't have gone by those measurements. His shirts all come from Big & Tall stores. He doesn't do well with the department stores that have a B&T section. It's limited and usually not a great selection (JCP, Belk). But lately he's been unhappy with choices at Casual Male XL. I cashed in a $5 rewards card for Casual Male on my Fetch app recently and he got a coupon for $20 off his next purchase. But I think he'll have go try on the items to know what is good for him. I used to order from King Size Direct online but the last time was a bad experience. He'll also complain if a shirt is too thin. So I don't even know what to buy him now. I used to buy him the box shirt sets but I stopped because the tie in the box is never long enough. 

At first I avoided wrinkle-free because that's code for doused in chemicals. But now I don't care lol. 

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25 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

What would happen if you simply replied to his demands to do his laundry with a "no." And if he begins to verbally assault you about it you just left the room. 

I know we all have to pick our battles but it sounds like he gets his way in all the battles he starts. It is going to be increasingly difficult to continue to homeschool, keep up with housework, do all you do to keep the budget intact, etc while also aggressively job hunting. Something will have to give in order to make room for job hunting and it certainly shouldn't be homeschooling, meal prep, or keeping the house at a certain cleanliness level. 

My fear for you if you don't find a way to take some things off your plate is you'll slow down on the job hunt and that will lead you back to where you've been stuck.

He tells me I'm a bad wife and selfish. I can walk away, but the tension is there and then when he needs the item the next day he'll just remind me I'm a bad wife and selfish again... 

To him it's like why wouldn't I do his stuff? I'm home all day and he's working. And his mom used to do his dad's military uniforms at home. So I think he subconsciously thinks that's a wife's duty. 

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I was thinking of giving it a few days and then reaching out to my old publisher to let him know I applied for that newspaper/magazine job owned by his boss. He would probably put a good word in for me. He did with the community college job that didn't pan out. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Also can’t remember what’s a hand towel vs dish towel and will dry a dish with the wrong one. It’s usually obvious (as in, the fabric) but if not he should ask or grab a new towel. In my mind, anyway. 

This to me would fall under "if you want a job done your way, do it yourself. If someone else is doing the work don't micromanage them."

I will use any towel to dry my dishes; if it is clean enough for hands it is clean enough for dishes. If someone has strong feelings otherwise they can take over the job.

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2 minutes ago, maize said:

This to me would fall under "if you want a job done your way, do it yourself. If someone else is doing the work don't micromanage them."

I will use any towel to dry my dishes; if it is clean enough for hands it is clean enough for dishes. If someone has strong feelings otherwise they can take over the job.

That’s a perfectly valid philosophy. I try not to micromanage when he does a chore but if I walk by and he’s using the wrong towel it bothers me. Where do you draw the line? Do you care if someone washes towels and clothing together? If you do care would you assume responsibility over that chore in your household forever? Or teach others to wash them separately? 

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31 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He tells me I'm a bad wife and selfish. I can walk away, but the tension is there and then when he needs the item the next day he'll just remind me I'm a bad wife and selfish again... 

To him it's like why wouldn't I do his stuff? I'm home all day and he's working. And his mom used to do his dad's military uniforms at home. So I think he subconsciously thinks that's a wife's duty. 

Yes, but the bad wife comments are when you simply leave the room. Rinse repeat. He does not have power over you if you don't allow it. Yes, he could continue to follow you and keep assaulting you verbally but then leave the house, go to the library and work on your resume.

I know none of that is easy but sticking up for yourself and expecting respect has to start somewhere. 

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.

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38 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The shirts are so complicated :(

He let me order all these shirts online and then later tells me the sleeves are too short. I'm like seriously? Well if I had known we wouldn't have gone by those measurements. His shirts all come from Big & Tall stores. He doesn't do well with the department stores that have a B&T section. It's limited and usually not a great selection (JCP, Belk). But lately he's been unhappy with choices at Casual Male XL. I cashed in a $5 rewards card for Casual Male on my Fetch app recently and he got a coupon for $20 off his next purchase. But I think he'll have go try on the items to know what is good for him. I used to order from King Size Direct online but the last time was a bad experience. He'll also complain if a shirt is too thin. So I don't even know what to buy him now. I used to buy him the box shirt sets but I stopped because the tie in the box is never long enough. 

At first I avoided wrinkle-free because that's code for doused in chemicals. But now I don't care lol. 

 

I don’t know what’s required for his type of work in Mississippi.

In some places a cotton polo shirt with decent slacks and blazer would do and comes out of drier fairly wrinkle free if not left to sit .

 

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

That’s a perfectly valid philosophy. I try not to micromanage when he does a chore but if I walk by and he’s using the wrong towel it bothers me. Where do you draw the line? Do you care if someone washes towels and clothing together? If you do care would you assume responsibility over that chore in your household forever? Or teach others to wash them separately? 

 

You either assume responsibility forever or you do laundry your way and when they do it you let them do it their way. 

If dh micromanaged the way I did any of my chores they would immediately become his chores.

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30 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He tells me I'm a bad wife and selfish. I can walk away, but the tension is there and then when he needs the item the next day he'll just remind me I'm a bad wife and selfish again... 

To him it's like why wouldn't I do his stuff? I'm home all day and he's working. And his mom used to do his dad's military uniforms at home. So I think he subconsciously thinks that's a wife's duty. 

This is like banging your head against a brick wall with some men, it is sooo frustrating when they just can't or won't perceive that we are working just as hard as them while they are at work and continue working all those hours they are off work.

They of course see caring for children, for example, as work when they themselves are doing it but not when we are? It is a massive blind spot I have tried and failed to address many times. I don't know the answer.

Extreme example, this one happened when my husband was in one of his less rational phases but still I have never yet figured out what was going through his brain:

I left him home with, at the time, five kids while I attended some event--maybe a women's conference? I was gone for about four hours.

He held things together but was about at the end of his rope when I came home. He was expressing his frustration and I guess I was not responding with enough sympathy because he finally burst out with "maybe you should try watching five kids for four hours!"

I think I laughed in his face that time. What, exactly, did he think I spent all day every day doing?

I still don't know.

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Well he has washed jeans, towels and other clothes all in one load lol 

I kinda grimaced just for the sanitary aspect. I feel like towels should ideally be washed on hot along with underwear. But I grew up with my mom often washing on cold so I mean I also know it’s not the end of the world. I didn’t rewash them. We just moved on. 

He says comments in passing anyway (like before he exits the room) so it’s not really like I necessarily have to leave the room or that that would have much effect. I just try not to react. Ignore it. 

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6 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I don’t know what’s required for his type of work in Mississippi.

In some places a cotton polo shirt with decent slacks and blazer would do and comes out of drier fairly wrinkle free if not left to sit .

 

He won’t wear polos. He has a couple sweater vests and a polo or 2 he’s never worn because he decided they are unflattering on his chest. Same thing with some of the thinner shirts so for example he said he had nothing clean once and I said what about that shirt and he said I have to wear that under a coat. He is self conscious about his chest because he’s overweight. He rotates a handful of dress shirts Mon-Thursday and usually dresses down on Friday and his Sun night shift. He wears jeans and a T-shirt with an open overshirt. 

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1 minute ago, maize said:

You would disapprove of my housekeeping, I always wash towels with other clothes. The only laundry separating I do is whites from colors.

The hive was where I started reading about fecal matter on underwear and got more paranoid lol now I throw underwear in with towels on hot. Other clothing on cold. 

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4 minutes ago, maize said:

You would disapprove of my housekeeping, I always wash towels with other clothes. The only laundry separating I do is whites from colors.

Mine too. My kids still at home wash their own clothes, which means there are not tons since it is just dh's and mine left. I basically wash heavies (jeans, towels, etc.) and lightweights (blouses, shirts, underwear), rather than darks and lights or other kinds of divisions.

ETA: The fecal matter idea IS gross; however, I lived for years where hot water for washing was not an option, so I see washing in warm as a step up. If things are dirtier than usual, I put in more wash powder and add an extra rinse.

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2 hours ago, Pen said:

If Ds is homeschooling such that he can do or not do homework at a particular time, it might also make more sense to prioritize him doing dishes over schoolwork.   School could be extended into summer to make up for time lost to dishes if needed.  And you could just make that a direct assignment to Ds.

A child of his age could be loading and unloading the dishwasher every day of the week and still get their homework done without even dreaming of extending the school year! Daily duties is a part of family life, IMO, without need of payment or begging. Doesn’t matter if the husband refuses to help or not, doing dishes is not anything strenuous.

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6 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

Mine too. My kids still at home wash their own clothes, which means there are not tons since it is just dh's and mine left. I basically wash heavies (jeans, towels, etc.) and lightweights (blouses, shirts, underwear), rather than darks and lights or other kinds of divisions.

ETA: The fecal matter idea IS gross; however, I lived for years where hot water for washing was not an option, so I see washing in warm as a step up. If things are dirtier than usual, I put in more wash powder and add an extra rinse.

We had no working hot water at first at one home. I don’t know of it was ever fixed. I remember the plumber saying it was not equipped for hot. So I compensated in my mind by using “Tide cold water.” It’s probably all a scam but gave me peace of mind. 

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20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

That’s a perfectly valid philosophy. I try not to micromanage when he does a chore but if I walk by and he’s using the wrong towel it bothers me.

 

Could you Try to change your inner self talk to Yay! He’s drying a dish! Or whatever and dispute your own feeling bothered by”wrong” towel?

I’d be bothered if a dirty floor mat or dog drying or car washing towel were used on dishes.  A hand towel? No.  If someone dries hands on towel then touches dishes or if someone touches dish direct with hand towel, so what? 

Quote

Where do you draw the line? Do you care if someone washes towels and clothing together?

 

Not if there’s not some unusual reason to care.   Clothes were used for toxic cleanup or they have diarrhea on them, or something .   In my case fragrance products and would give me migraine.

 

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11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Yeah, I do laundry the same way as your dh and if my dh tried to fix the way I did it then I'd consider that his problem to deal with. If he continually tried to fix it then I'd stop doing the laundry and let him handle it.

There are things that I do differently than dh, like loading the dishwasher. He is so inefficient at it. But I don't stop him from doing it. I will rearrange things if I open it to put something in a notice that it is a messy. I do that when my mom loads it too. But I'd never mention that unless they were to ask, which my mom has done. I simply reply, " more fits if arranged this way."

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8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Almost my whole wardrobe is darks lol 

#gothforlife 😉 

I bought white towels so that I would have a full load of whites more often. I don't like to run small loads. 

We do a gazillion loads of laundry a week with a large family.

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Ds struggles with the most basic of tasks. It’s like pulling teeth to get some things done. So I’m just glad we’ve made unloading part of his routine. I have low expectations. It’s easier on me atm. I have to constantly remind him to feed/change water for the cat and some days he’ll say, “she has water” and I’ll say, “is it new?” He’ll say no and I’ll say, “then get her fresh water.” Rinse repeat all the time. 

He has executive functions issues. Time management etc. He loses his pencils all the time, etc. 

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But no we haven’t had conversations about laundry lately. I’m just saying he could wash and hang his own clothes since they are so delicate/special or w/e instead of saying, “I have nothing clean” or “how did this smudge get there??” like I had any control. Sometimes I do run a washing agent in there but we don’t know why that seems to only happen to his dress shirts 

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4 minutes ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

A child of his age could be loading and unloading the dishwasher every day of the week and still get their homework done without even dreaming of extending the school year! Daily duties is a part of family life, IMO, without need of payment or begging. Doesn’t matter if the husband refuses to help or not, doing dishes is not anything strenuous.

This would depend on what other things are expected of him. My ten year old today has washed and dried two loads of laundry, made lunch for his siblings, taken the dogs out multiple times, feed dogs, changed a few diapers, and cleaned up after lunch(dishes in sink and table wiped down.) He could certainly load the dishwasher and it would be strenuous but at a certain point chores do get in the way of the rest of life, including school work, and that is unfair to a child. 

There are.so.many other things my DS does on a daily basis that haven't gotten done today because I'm sick and need extra help with more important things that I usually handle. I wouldn't ask him to still do all those normal things on top of the chores he's helping me with

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And at the very least I'd teach kiddos to rinse their dishes and load into the dishwasher after they eat. Even most littles are capable of that. If not, have dd clear the table and ds load the dishwasher. Wouldn't take more than 5 minutes. 

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1 minute ago, PeachyDoodle said:

And at the very least I'd teach kiddos to rinse their dishes and load into the dishwasher after they eat. Even most littles are capable of that. If not, have dd clear the table and ds load the dishwasher. Wouldn't take more than 5 minutes. 

I reminded them today but they forget and toss in sink 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I reminded them today but they forget and toss in sink 

Yes, reminding is part of training children. IME, the reminding usually has to go on for quite a long time before it sticks. Sometimes an extra incentive has to be added.

DD14 has a habit of dropping the bag she carries to crew practice in the chair in the kitchen instead of hanging it up on the hooks by the door (literally less than 5 feet away). I've "reminded" a lot and am getting sick of it, so last night I told her that she will have to start unpacking the bag, putting everything away, each night and repacking before practice each afternoon if she can't be bothered to hang the bag up. I'm willing to bet she remembers today.

Edited by PeachyDoodle
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45 minutes ago, maize said:

You would disapprove of my housekeeping, I always wash towels with other clothes. The only laundry separating I do is whites from colors.

Since detergents have changed, I don’t even do that...  (slinking away emoji). And honestly I haven’t noticed our clothes suffering as a result. 

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I wonder if your FIL has executive function skill issues too, and that's why MIL does everything.  She just gave in and did everything, not only because of the era, but because otherwise nothing would get done.  And now it's normal.

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No need to justify your laundry. I am sure my way takes much longer than many and that leads to the chaos. 

I don't think fil comes across that way. He does expect his wife to do most things. Except when he was between jobs? I do remember there was a period in which he did some things like laundry and vacuuming. But how hard is that when there are just two of you and your children are grown? 

He expects mil to pick up food & prescriptions. He mows and does some handy tasks. He and bil do some projects together. Like I think hung/wired? their current ceiling fans. 

Fil stays on routine. Wakes up early every day. Dh stays up late, has poor sleep habits. I think he’s been unhealthy for a long time. I’m sure it does take a toll on what he’s motivated to do. Standing can hurt. I think from sciatica or something. He’s seen drs. 

I’m a little cold about it I know. He doesn’t take care of himself enough. 

He wanted us to see the new Zombieland movie for his birthday this month. I said no about dd. He said last night he can just go alone. I said is this about the sitter? You’d rather just uninvite ds and I than pay a sitter? He said he didn’t know if I wanted to see it. Well I wouldn’t have picked it but I would have gone. I saw the first one. 

So I guess go celebrate your birthday alone or invite your guy friend and I’ll stay home and save money? 

 

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1 hour ago, maize said:

You would disapprove of my housekeeping, I always wash towels with other clothes. The only laundry separating I do is whites from colors.

And I don't separate at all. However, I wash everything on hot and then use the dryer. 

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1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

This would depend on what other things are expected of him. My ten year old today has washed and dried two loads of laundry, made lunch for his siblings, taken the dogs out multiple times, feed dogs, changed a few diapers, and cleaned up after lunch(dishes in sink and table wiped down.) He could certainly load the dishwasher and it would be strenuous but at a certain point chores do get in the way of the rest of life, including school work, and that is unfair to a child. 

There are.so.many other things my DS does on a daily basis that haven't gotten done today because I'm sick and need extra help with more important things that I usually handle. I wouldn't ask him to still do all those normal things on top of the chores he's helping me with

Well of course. But I’ve not read anything in this long thread of the son having to do a myriad of chores, it sounds like Heart does everything. Being firm and delegating chores to her son should be doable, even if convincing her husband to be a better partner isn’t.

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I think the point of the whole laundry thing is: There's more than one way to skin a cat. 

If dh is going to do laundry, then he should do it his way. If he's going to wash dishes, then ignore him when he uses the wrong towel. If he's going to load the dishwasher, then he gets to put all the cups in the wrong section and the giant mixing bowl in the bottom even though it takes up WAY too much space and takes literally 10 seconds to hand wash. 

Well, maybe the last one is just my dh.

Picking battles is good. Especially in a situation that tends toward the acrimonious like this one. Little stuff like which towel is used or whether the towels get washed in hot or cold water is maybe not a hill to die on. Assuming he's doing housework at all, which seems to be a big assumption. Patterns like this one aren't made any better by micromanaging. If he ever was/is inclined to take on any household responsibilities, nitpicking the towel he uses will just play into his ego and give him another excuse not to "help." And more importantly, it only raises your blood pressure.

I am pretty particular about a lot of things, so I get it. But given that you only have control over your own actions here, letting go of trivial stuff is one I'd work extra hard on, for your own sake.

ETA: I do think it's true what someone said upthread, about it being hard to see that some things are common annoyances that most marriages experience when you're in a situation like this. And it all adds up, I know. But hopefully it's helpful to hear that doing chores in different ways, and having to balance those differences between spouses, is pretty normal. Even if a lot of what you are experiencing is decidedly not.

Edited by PeachyDoodle
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When I was a SAHM and homeschooling my only and married to his father (a difficult relationship) I just did it all.  He worked and I did the rest.  I even mowed our 1 acre lot.  He did weed eat.  

I work 3 days a week now and  have a different non difficult husband....so my life is different.  

But is it possible to divide the labor into work for him/SAHM stuff for you?

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My son doesn’t do much and whines over the bit he has sometimes. I don’t think he’s neurotypical. He is not average for his age from what I have observed. He only learned how to tie shoes this year and I’ve had to refresh him on how to do it. I don’t want to get off on a side conversation about him too much. But trust me, just because your 11 yr old or your relatives with an 11 yr old do A, B and C does not mean it will easily apply here. The waiter tried to show Ds how to hold chop sticks on Friday. The thing is his motor skills are already lacking so chop sticks are extra hard. I’ve tried to fix his pencil grip. An OT worked with him. He just doesn’t like the “proper” grip and doesn’t remember proper placement. Yes, we’ve used pencil aids. 

He still puts on shirts by stuffing his shoulders in rather then putting arms up through sleeves first. Hard to explain. Stretches out shirt. 

Dd can do things better than him in some areas. That’s just he reality. He can’t cut well. She’s already mastered scissor skills better. 

 

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2 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I wash all laundry in cold water. It saves a little energy, and if the clothes are going in the dryer it's hot enough to kill most everything.

It’s the soap that does stuff to fecal coliforms. It washes the germs down the drain. 

Think of it this way. When you wash your hands after using the toilet, you don’t use hot hot hot water. But you do use lots of soap. 

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16 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess I don’t understand the question 

I think she means to sit down and specifically figure out who in the house is responsible for what things. With your dh's attitude I don't think will be possible. But I do think it will be an incredibly important thing to establish specific agreed upon roles if you get a full-time job. And that would be the time to put your foot down on doing everything in the house or else you'll still be drowning because your working full-time and doing all the housework. 

Right now it is probably better to get what you can done, whether dh approves or not, while focusing your energy on finding work

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26 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My son doesn’t do much and whines over the bit he has sometimes. I don’t think he’s neurotypical. He is not average for his age from what I have observed. He only learned how to tie shoes this year and I’ve had to refresh him on how to do it. I don’t want to get off on a side conversation about him too much. But trust me, just because your 11 yr old or your relatives with an 11 yr old do A, B and C does not mean it will easily apply here. The waiter tried to show Ds how to hold chop sticks on Friday. The thing is his motor skills are already lacking so chop sticks are extra hard. I’ve tried to fix his pencil grip. An OT worked with him. He just doesn’t like the “proper” grip and doesn’t remember proper placement. Yes, we’ve used pencil aids. 

He still puts on shirts by stuffing his shoulders in rather then putting arms up through sleeves first. Hard to explain. Stretches out shirt. 

Dd can do things better than him in some areas. That’s just he reality. He can’t cut well. She’s already mastered scissor skills better. 

 

He can do more than you think or give him credit for.  Assign the chore/task and let him do it.  This is where learning that it will not be like you do it but it gets done will come in handy for you. Perfectionism can silently askew how we do/see things.  It make take a few tries but your DS can do things.  


The chopsticks I can’t do still and let how he puts on a shirt go.  I have seen adults do it they way he does.  

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9 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I think she means to sit down and specifically figure out who in the house is responsible for what things. With your dh's attitude I don't think will be possible. But I do think it will be an incredibly important thing to establish specific agreed upon roles if you get a full-time job. And that would be the time to put your foot down on doing everything in the house or else you'll still be drowning because your working full-time and doing all the housework. 

Right now it is probably better to get what you can done, whether dh approves or not, while focusing your energy on finding work

I understood Scarlett to be saying: Is it possible to just handle the home stuff, and let his work be his contribution. But I could be wrong. TBH, this is pretty much how our home runs. I am home, so I do the home stuff and school stuff. He works, so he brings home the bacon. If Heart can be comfortable with that, it could help to manage expectations. At least as long as she continues to stay at home. Obviously her getting a job will change things. But I am not confident that a conversation about division of labor will be all that productive here.

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

He can do more than you think or give him credit for.  Assign the chore/task and let him do it.  This is where learning that it will not be like you do it but it gets done will come in handy for you. Perfectionism can silently askew how we do/see things.  It make take a few tries but your DS can do things.  


The chopsticks I can’t do still and let how he puts on a shirt go.  I have seen adults do it they way he does.  

I agree. I spent a summer in Hong Kong and still never mastered chopsticks. He won't learn if he isn't given the incentive and opportunity to do so. This is another one of those areas where letting go of ideals is important. Who cares how he puts his shirt on? At this point, who care how he holds his pencil (assuming he can write relatively legibly and without pain)? Expectations matter. If you assume he can't, he won't.

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Ok I can work on some more things. 

But the job/home role if I get a job? Haha Don’t think it will matter. I was the FT employed parent when we married. I’d come home and I’d have to find a way to get laundry done with ds screaming his head off if I put him in the playpen so I could step outside to the carport where the washer/dryer were. 

The main difference may be dinner. He’ll have to accept me cooking less or us doing more meal prep on weekends etc. I don’t know. Just don’t have my hopes up at all. 

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9 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

 

I agree. I spent a summer in Hong Kong and still never mastered chopsticks. He won't learn if he isn't given the incentive and opportunity to do so. This is another one of those areas where letting go of ideals is important. Who cares how he puts his shirt on? At this point, who care how he holds his pencil (assuming he can write relatively legibly and without pain)? Expectations matter. If you assume he can't, he won't.

Quoting you so what I say and what you wrote may trigger something to think about in hearts brain.
 

You say that your MIL does everything for your FIL and for DH.  You don’t want that for your DS yet in a unknowing way you are kind of setting this up for him by you doing things for him and thinking he can’t/won’t.   Time to let him spread his wings and try.  It won’t be perfect but he can’t learn until you let him try. 

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Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

Quoting you so what I say may trigger something to think about in hearts brain. 
 

You say that your MIL does everything for your FIL and for DH.  You don’t want that for your DS yet in a unknowing way you are kind of setting this up for him by you doing things for him and thinking he can’t/won’t.   Time to let him spread his wings and try.  It won’t be perfect but he can’t learn until you let him try. 

Oh I know and I was going to teach him the washing machine the other day but something derailed us. 

He learns about money with me and couponing and stuff. I asked if he wanted to learn to operate the lawn mower but then I remembered his allergies & asthma and I was already nervous to let him do it because sometimes it’s physically hard for me to push. So we ended up not doing it. 

I think there are two extremes. I did not do much as a child but then my cousins were responsible for tons of chores and making meals. I saw how miserable my cousin was when I visited. I just want a middle ground. 

The pencil mattered to me as we always hear holding it wrong fatigues the hand. 

I did have him pack and I was guiding him but he didn’t pack any shirts besides the one for church 🤦🏽‍♀️ Lol 

I am slowly putting more responsibility on him. 

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