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1 minute ago, StellaM said:

 

It can do this (though plenty of women with jobs and money of their own are abused anyway), but it can also change Heart's situation in that it can be part of rebuilding self-esteem, and provide her with a broader network of people and opportunities.  A job is really a good thing for many women. I don't think it's worth going into a p/t or f/t job with the goal that it will change your abuser, but it definitely is worth doing anyway.

 

Yes, I think what Heart needs now is a job. It'll provide her with a network, and an income that she can use for self-sufficiency. 

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9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I think she said MS doesn't recognize legal separation.  that makes it harder to separate finances so she's not liable for his debts and expenses.

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

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36 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

It can do this (though plenty of women with jobs and money of their own are abused anyway), but it can also change Heart's situation in that it can be part of rebuilding self-esteem, and provide her with a broader network of people and opportunities.  A job is really a good thing for many women. I don't think it's worth going into a p/t or f/t job with the goal that it will change your abuser, but it definitely is worth doing anyway.

Agreed. I think she needs to do it to be safer, to have an out if things get worse, to have people she can rely on for a support network, etc etc. I was more just wondering out loud about the power dynamic. 

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29 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

If there is no legal separation than debts are still shared just as they are for any other married couple. Or at least, they can be. 

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40 minutes ago, kdsuomi said:

Please, please, please do not just resign yourself to this life. My sisters and I thought much of our life growing up was normal. We honestly thought that the normal, happy families were only on TV and not something real. (It still confounds me, as an adult, that many families like each other and get along with each other.) We still wanted to spend time with our abusive father, but we did have to be careful about it. Anything to keep him away from the home was good because he couldn't lose it in public. We had lots of time spent at hockey games, baseball games, movies, and air shows because home was bad. It doesn't mean that all three of us don't still to this day suffer from what did happen, despite not being physically abused.

I'm not saying that your family life is the same as mine growing up or that you will cause irreparable harm to your children by staying, but I am saying to consider other options.

I do not think public outings would necessarily be his time with kids. He’s quite a homebody much of the time with the exception of movie theaters and eating out. Plus his monthly gaming event that he and Ds attend. 

I’m sorry you went through that. 

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55 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

If there is no legal separation than debts are still shared just as they are for any other married couple. Or at least, they can be. 

 

Mississippi is not a community property state so if her name is not on the debt, she is not liable for it. She said that the credit card was not a joint account so she is just an authorized user on that account. If that is the case she is not liable for that debt. 

Susan in TX

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1 hour ago, Susan in TX said:

 

I don't see how she could be liable for his debts and expenses if they are not living together. She is only an authorized user on the credit card. I think she can ask the credit card company to remove her as an authorized user and then whatever happened with that account would not affect her.

Susan in TX

 

That would be worth asking about .  And getting her own card for in case needed.

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7 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

Mississippi is not a community property state so if her name is not on the debt, she is not liable for it. She said that the credit card was not a joint account so she is just an authorized user on that account. If that is the case she is not liable for that debt. 

Susan in TX

 

I don’t know if that applies to debt during a marriage.  

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I called my sister (the empath). She couldn’t handle the info. She’s had too much going on in her own life. Her reaction was partly concern about being subpoena’d. I was like who determines that?? (After hearing how uncomfortable she was I was like don’t worry I wouldn’t ask that). But I don’t know who determines that. I told her I won’t tell her about this stuff in the future. 

The store got so mixed up with my fabric order they handed me 10 yards for my skirt!! lol I said I ordered one roll of elastic (5yrds) and 2 yards of fabric. They must have thought quantity 2 of the 5yrds. I said just take back 8. 

Im thinking of opening a Target cc in my own name to build credit and use occasionally (and pay off immediately). 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Not that it matters much now but I did get proof of purchase on those computers. 

One was from Amazon and one was from New Egg. Both purchased in the same calendar year. One at beginning; one at end. 

https://www.amazon.com/CybertronPC-Kombat-X-GM4242E-Discontinued-Manufacturer/dp/B00A2J4XVQ

this but in red/black 

($999.99) 

https://www.newegg.com/acer-predator-ag3-605-ur20/p/N82E16883103821

($899.99) 

Edited by heartlikealion
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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Not that it matters much now but I did get proof of purchase on those computers. 

One was from Amazon and one was from New Egg. Both purchased in the same calendar year. One at beginning; one at end. 

https://www.amazon.com/CybertronPC-Kombat-X-GM4242E-Discontinued-Manufacturer/dp/B00A2J4XVQ

this but in red/black 

($999.99) 

https://www.newegg.com/acer-predator-ag3-605-ur20/p/N82E16883103821

($899.99) 

Well I think it does matter.  It is good to have clarity.  And it is good to have a group like this one to help you see that although your husband is not a monster he doesn’t treat you right.  

I strongly encourage you to work on your side of the street.  That is not to be confused with just becoming a door mat.  Continue to speak up and act on your behalf and the children’s.    But do not respond in kind, do not become petty, do not become bitter.  Focus on the joy in your life.  Control what you can and try to disengage on what you can’t.  

Edited by Scarlett
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Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

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11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

Perhaps it would help for perspective to read the thread on “if you’re in a two parent family “ on the General Ed board. Definitely work on better communication. And in standing up for yourself and the kids. But also be aware that many, if not most of us, have similar workloads and even similar gripes about having things left to us. This isn’t discounting your needs but I think that it is easy to fall into a trap where we feel like we’re the only one facing certain situations. 

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I wonder if everyone could work together on something like loading dW?  An assembly line with each doing what he she can depending on back pain, finger cuts etc.  

which reminds me I need a new pair rubber gloves

 

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37 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yesterday I asked if someone could load the dishwasher while I was out. Remember I sliced my finger the other day so I’m not eager to get that bandaged area wet. Dh tried to delegate it to ds. Ds had emptied the dishwasher and was assigned homework so I said I’d rather ds concentrate on his school and could you do it? 

There’s a sink full of dishes and the dishwasher is empty. 

This is my life. And people wonder why I can’t catch up. 

This morning I went on a walk and mowed the front yard and took trash to the curb. I know if I don’t do these things they won’t get done. I am trying to think of the good, too. I got some fresh air (it was cool today), got to listen to some of my audiobook, and got some exercise. My leg is healing from I don’t know what (strained muscle?) so this was the first time in a couple days for me to exercise. 

Dh did make dinner last night. Mainly because he just wanted meatloaf but I’ll take it. 

 

Maybe if you think of yourself as a single parent it would help. 

 

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In that dishwasher example I'd simply leave the sink full of dishes. Once I have delegated a task to someone else I write it off my list of things to do. If that means we don't have dishes I don't mind. Someone else eventually does the task, it may take a long time but it gets done. Dishes.i imagine would get done sooner than something like laundry though

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But heart, you know my current situation and a lot of that has to do with feeling like a single parent for years. And my dh didn't even intend to make me feel that way.  

Standing up for my right to not be the only one doing everything in the house started with me simply refusing to do certain tasks and getting comfortable with the idea that if it doesn't get done I don't care. 

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5 minutes ago, Pen said:

Though as a single mom, I have not had any special consideration for my birthday other than gifts to myself!  Not even meatloaf because someone else wanted meatloaf lol

 

True, being a single mom is very different than how a married wife in heart's situation feels. However, as a married person she should be able to expect help, specifically when she speaks up and asks for the help she needs because she does have a partner capable of doing those things. 

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If Ds is homeschooling such that he can do or not do homework at a particular time, it might also make more sense to prioritize him doing dishes over schoolwork.   School could be extended into summer to make up for time lost to dishes if needed.  And you could just make that a direct assignment to Ds.

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I wonder what would happen if you did refuse to mow the lawn.  At what point would the school discipline HIM for not taking care of the property?  I'm not saying to do it, I'm just curious.

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2 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

because she does have a partner capable of doing those things. 

 

We don’t actually know that.  If he has spinal disk trouble, loading DW may be quite hard for him.  

In a good marriage they “should “ be able to talk about it.  Maybe he more consistently cooks, and she more consistently loads dW. 

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Nope, things literally will not get done. Trust me. Dishes can be stacked up for weeks. I was busting my tail to do them before our last trip (Sept) because who wants to return to a dirty kitchen? Dh didn’t care enough to do it but cared enough to urge me to do it the day before. I wasn’t doing it for him, though. I was doing it for myself. 

I’ve suffered mentally from living in clutter. He has the escape of leaving the house many hours a day. It takes a toll on women more than men. 

Ds already unloaded the dishwasher. I just wanted him to focus on the school because we’ve already fallen “behind” from not getting enough one on one time, leaving the house for hours when he was taking that English class, travel (I was quite distracted trying to visit with family and figure out my marriage situation), etc. I told myself, and ds, that my main concern is math & English so at the very least he needs to do math and we’re trying to sort out the English curriculum dilemma. I’ve asked Dh to print the remainder of our old curriculum (that we didn’t use) so we can at least see if there’s stuff in it we can still do. Meanwhile I’m debating buying the teacher edition of WWS since he got the student copy for that class we dropped. 

Also I’m thinking I could go back to work and none of this may matter. So my head is spinning. 

So I picked up the onion Dh requested for his meatloaf but he didn’t load the dishwasher. Yeah petty but I was annoyed. Especially since he points out flaws with the home all the time. 

I learned a few years ago I can be mad something isn’t done or get it done. Second option anger is optional lol 

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If you get the job in the city and get an apartment for you and the kids there, and he's living alone...  what will happen?  Will he live like a slob and expect you to drive over and take care of the dishes and the lawn while he games and ignores the kids every weekend?

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4 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

We don’t actually know that.  If he has spinal disk trouble, loading DW may be quite hard for him.  

In a good marriage they “should “ be able to talk about it.  Maybe he more consistently cooks, and she more consistently loads dW. 

I must have missed that he is injured. If he has a back injury I certainly wouldn't expect him to load the dishwasher, assuming he doesn't do a bunch of other things that suit him which are in fact bad for his back.

But yes, they should be able to communicate their issues better. 

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6 minutes ago, Katy said:

I wonder what would happen if you did refuse to mow the lawn.  At what point would the school discipline HIM for not taking care of the property?  I'm not saying to do it, I'm just curious.

BTDT. 

The neighbor came over and mowed it once. Dh was embarrassed probably and annoyed. We were out of town when it happened but the yard got bad before then. 

Another time he let it go so long that he paid a guy with a riding mower then got upset the guy charged extra and requested the money in a rude manner in front of others at his library. Dh did ask him to come by the library because I didn’t want Dh sending the man here when it was their transaction. 

At first Dh made fun of me and was annoyed I had all these requirements for mowing. I had to find gloves and ear muffs. He doesn’t wear any of that. He’s killing his ears. He made fun of me. I said whatever, I want to keep my hearing. I bought eye goggles too but they fog up so I can’t really use them. 

So yeah the yard has never been attended to better than now. 

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It’s true I forget about the back sometimes. But he moves furniture at work and hardly lifts a finger at home. 

When we married I didn’t know how to cook. Now except for him making something he really wants or maybe a meal once a week I do all the cooking. He does not like my meatloaf. I don’t like onion but I ate his. It had a bunch of onion in it. 

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Oh I understand clutter causing mental health issues. That's why I'd leave the house on a daily basis, even if it meant doing school at the park or library. Then when I'd get home I'd retreat to my room, which I purposely kept clutter free. It taught me that clutter and dirty rooms messed with my mental health not because they were dirty but because they were my responsibility. Once I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't my responsibility it stopped effecting me so much. But that was a long process.

 

But that approach likely doesn't work for everyone

Edited by hjffkj
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Just now, hjffkj said:

Oh I understand clutter causing mental health issues. That's why I'd leave the house on a daily basis, even if it meant doing school at the park or library. Then when I'd get home I'd retreat to my room, which I purposely kept clutter free. It taught me that clutter and dirty rooms messed with my mental health not because they were dirty but because they were my responsibility. Once I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't my responsibility it stopped effecting me so much. But that was a long process.

Dh thinks the house is my responsibility. He even puts garbage bags by the door but doesn’t take them out. I just do it now. Again, not because I think it’s my job or I’m doing it to please him but because I want it done. 

I think he thinks he’s superior because he works. Any request can easily be responded (by him) with justifying lack of household help with the hours he logs at the office. 

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5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh thinks the house is my responsibility. He even puts garbage bags by the door but doesn’t take them out. I just do it now. Again, not because I think it’s my job or I’m doing it to please him but because I want it done. 

I think he thinks he’s superior because he works. Any request can easily be responded (by him) with justifying lack of household help with the hours he logs at the office. 

We'll I hope if you get a job that changes.

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13 minutes ago, Katy said:

If you get the job in the city and get an apartment for you and the kids there, and he's living alone...  what will happen?  Will he live like a slob and expect you to drive over and take care of the dishes and the lawn while he games and ignores the kids every weekend?

I’d think I’d tell him to mow his yard and he’d hire someone because he’d think we could afford it? 

I’d be soooo happy his clothes would be his problem but he’d probably try to make them my problem. 

He only agreed to have an apartment as a couple but with the consideration that maybe he’d keep the faculty home for a while. Like maybe sleep there during the week? Not sure. If we could afford that I might be on board but then my friend pointed out the issue of his name being on any apt, house, etc. 

I really just don’t want to be in charge of his stuff. Like the other day he said his jeans were dirty. I said so? You’re on fall break and can wear dress slacks Tuesday. He said but I need the jeans if I leave the house (go to the store). I thought, ffs then wash them!!!! 

I don’t know how you can be like that. I did wash them later. I don’t want to fight and I guess I’m picking my battles. Bit good grief stop acting helpless 

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20 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

True, being a single mom is very different than how a married wife in heart's situation feels. However, as a married person she should be able to expect help, specifically when she speaks up and asks for the help she needs because she does have a partner capable of doing those things. 

Ah, but life is not made up of the things that should be.

Some men will eventually step up if dishes are just left in the sink; some won't.

For some of us there is a lot more inner peace to be had in just not expecting much in the way of household contribution from a partner. Not because it should be that way but because it is that way and letting myself stress over it hurts only me.

Heart, if you are going to ask your husband to do things I suggest making the request very specific. Not: "could someone load the dishwasher while I am gone" but "Dh, the dishwasher needs to be loaded and I still have a bandage on my hand, would you load it while I run errands?" Then wait for an acknowledgement from him and say thanks.

If he often fails to follow through on such requests though I would stop asking because I'm more upset if I ask and it doesn't happen than if I just assume it is my work and find a way to do it.

If he gets to a point where he is motivated to improve his relationship with you there will be an opportunity to negotiate a more equal division of the family workload. Without that motivation I am not sure there is much you can do to change his behavior. Things that impact him directly such as not having clean clothing or groceries in the house could be motivating, but unless dirty dishes in the sink really bother him it might be a really, really long time before he decides to step up and address the issue.

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10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Nope, things literally will not get done. Trust me. Dishes can be stacked up for weeks. I was busting my tail to do them before our last trip (Sept) because who wants to return to a dirty kitchen? Dh didn’t care enough to do it but cared enough to urge me to do it the day before. I wasn’t doing it for him, though. I was doing it for myself. 

I’ve suffered mentally from living in clutter. He has the escape of leaving the house many hours a day. It takes a toll on women more than men. 

 

I have the same experience. 

10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ds already unloaded the dishwasher. I just wanted him to focus on the school because we’ve already fallen “behind” from not getting enough one on one time, leaving the house for hours when he was taking that English class, travel (I was quite distracted trying to visit with family and figure out my marriage situation), etc. I told myself, and ds, that my main concern is math & English so at the very least he needs to do math and we’re trying to sort out the English curriculum dilemma.

 

How “behind”? Would it be hard for him to transition into public when you get job?

10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve asked Dh to print the remainder of our old curriculum (that we didn’t use) so we can at least see if there’s stuff in it we can still do. Meanwhile I’m debating buying the teacher edition of WWS since he got the student copy for that class we dropped. 

I wonder if you need teacher Ed to use it?  Maybe the school parts are worth separate thread on gen ed or correct grade area of Wtm?

 

10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I learned a few years ago I can be mad something isn’t done or get it done. Second option anger is optional lol 

 

Again, I can relate!  I expect a lot of women can.

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

If you get the job in the city and get an apartment for you and the kids there, and he's living alone...  what will happen?  Will he live like a slob and expect you to drive over and take care of the dishes and the lawn while he games and ignores the kids every weekend?

 

That’s an interesting question!

 

 

Would he be responsive to being told the kids miss him and could he give them good quality time?

 

 

I have another question which is in living together circumstances, how much of what you (Heart) do is related to taking care of DH?

like in hours per day related to what you could not be doing if not married. (His personal washing, his personal ironing, yardwork that you would not do if single mom like if it’s just because of his demands, etc)

That is additional to what you would have to do anyway if a single mom?

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Exactly! 

I do think Dh acknowledged my request and said he’d do the dishwasher but I noticed this morning the dishwasher was empty and sink was high. He did say something like sink was not draining well so he didn’t wash everything. Maybe that was part of the reason the dishwasher didn’t get done. But he’s up late. He could have done dishes after water cleared. Could have checked to see if food trap was full. But instead just gave up on the chore. 

Also can’t remember what’s a hand towel vs dish towel and will dry a dish with the wrong one. It’s usually obvious (as in, the fabric) but if not he should ask or grab a new towel. In my mind, anyway. 

If I live in an apt the dishwasher will probably hold more. We have a small portable right now. He actually complained to me about no clean forks or something (again I thought then why didn’t you load and run the dishwasher?!). Luckily I had run it that night before bed so I just pointed at the clean magnet and said they are clean.

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6 minutes ago, Pen said:

I wonder if you need teacher Ed to use it?  Maybe the school parts are worth separate thread on gen ed or correct grade area of Wtm?

She's already asked about this on Gen Ed (or maybe Logic Stage), and yes, you do need the TM for WWS. 

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13 minutes ago, maize said:

Ah, but life is not made up of the things that should be.

Some men will eventually step up if dishes are just left in the sink; some won't.

For some of us there is a lot more inner peace to be had in just not expecting much in the way of household contribution from a partner. Not because it should be that way but because it is that way and letting myself stress over it hurts only me.

Heart, if you are going to ask your husband to do things I suggest making the request very specific. Not: "could someone load the dishwasher while I am gone" but "Dh, the dishwasher needs to be loaded and I still have a bandage on my hand, would you load it while I run errands?" Then wait for an acknowledgement from him and say thanks.

If he often fails to follow through on such requests though I would stop asking because I'm more upset if I ask and it doesn't happen than if I just assume it is my work and find a way to do it.

If he gets to a point where he is motivated to improve his relationship with you there will be an opportunity to negotiate a more equal division of the family workload. Without that motivation I am not sure there is much you can do to change his behavior. Things that impact him directly such as not having clean clothing or groceries in the house could be motivating, but unless dirty dishes in the sink really bother him it might be a really, really long time before he decides to step up and address the issue.

I think that we all pick our battles to some extent.

You can't make another adult do things.  There can be "natural consequences" of dishes in the sink but as you noted, some people (not just men) still won't "see" them and step up.  But I will say that there was a time (not in a marriage) where I had to set boundaries with dishes and I set the table with just what was clean - whether it was just one fork for four people.  When there was a complaint, I motioned to the sink and let them wash the other forks etc. needed. 

In my marriage, I do 90% of the housework (or don't do it - my house would win no prizes), I do 100% of the schooling, I do 90% of the  yardwork, I do 100% of the finances, banking and taxes, I do 100% of my husband and my laundry but he does 100% of his ironing because I refuse to do it and it will just sit there and he wants ironed shirts - on occasion he has taken his shirts to the dry cleaners to be done and it irritates me a bit but hey, he's taking responsibility for his shirts so not my problem!.  But I feel respected and loved and valued and that makes 100% of the difference. 

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13 minutes ago, maize said:

Ah, but life is not made up of the things that should be.

Some men will eventually step up if dishes are just left in the sink; some won't.

For some of us there is a lot more inner peace to be had in just not expecting much in the way of household contribution from a partner. Not because it should be that way but because it is that way and letting myself stress over it hurts only me.

Heart, if you are going to ask your husband to do things I suggest making the request very specific. Not: "could someone load the dishwasher while I am gone" but "Dh, the dishwasher needs to be loaded and I still have a bandage on my hand, would you load it while I run errands?" Then wait for an acknowledgement from him and say thanks.

If he often fails to follow through on such requests though I would stop asking because I'm more upset if I ask and it doesn't happen than if I just assume it is my work and find a way to do it.

If he gets to a point where he is motivated to improve his relationship with you there will be an opportunity to negotiate a more equal division of the family workload. Without that motivation I am not sure there is much you can do to change his behavior. Things that impact him directly such as not having clean clothing or groceries in the house could be motivating, but unless dirty dishes in the sink really bother him it might be a really, really long time before he decides to step up and address the issue.

 

This all makes lots of sense to me.

28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh thinks the house is my responsibility. He even puts garbage bags by the door but doesn’t take them out. I just do it now. Again, not because I think it’s my job or I’m doing it to please him but because I want it done. 

 

Some of this could maybe be done by dc? 

28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I think he thinks he’s superior because he works. Any request can easily be responded (by him) with justifying lack of household help with the hours he logs at the office. 

 

When you get job, maybe do the same and justify less household doing because of your work hours.  Or maybe at some point some of your earnings can go towards household help.  I hope you find a path that leads to you eventually being higher income than he is!

 

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8 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I have the same experience. 

How “behind”? Would it be hard for him to transition into public when you get job?

I wonder if you need teacher Ed to use it?  Maybe the school parts are worth separate thread on gen ed or correct grade area of Wtm?

Again, I can relate!  I expect a lot of women can.

That’s an interesting question!

Would he be responsive to being told the kids miss him and could he give them good quality time?

I have another question which is in living together circumstances, how much of what you (Heart) do is related to taking care of DH?

like in hours per day related to what you could not be doing if not married. (His personal washing, his personal ironing, yardwork that you would not do if single mom like if it’s just because of his demands, etc)

That is additional to what you would have to do anyway if a single mom?

I quit ironing. Now he runs his shirt in the dryer briefly before work sometimes — although it doesn’t always help enough! But he won’t pick up the iron. 

Currently I sometimes make him lunch and drop off or put in fridge. Not every day, though. He’s super fussy about clothes and asked me not to wash his dress clothes with other items because he heated that’s why they were getting smudges. I have no idea! So I do a separate load just for his clothes. I do the folding and if they get put away it’s because I did it or had the kids help. 

I guess I wash more towels because of him. He also uses oversized towels so that takes up more room in washer/shelf but not a huge deal. 

I do most of the Christmas shopping but he gets mad sometimes lol like I left him out. I’m just better with the budget and I shop year round. I am not going to text him every time I see an item. If we weren’t together I don’t know if I’d need to? I’ve wanted us to lower the budget or draw names but his family never gets on board. I suggested the name drawing for adults this year. (Shopping list: MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, niece,  nephew, Mil’s friend/honorary aunt + her adult child that comes over, & some family on my side. We both pick out some items for our kids. He has overrode my decisions on Santa gifts before and that was frustrating. One year was a $60 Fall Out Boy game too mature for ds. Another year was a TV I never agreed to). 

I do the grocery shopping (I’d do even if I was single but without regard to his current requests. Last time he balked at ground turkey so I bought beef). 

Yard 

Pick up mail (packages and po box). They have wonky hours so I usually have to do it. 

Submit all the receipts for the flex spending card (our medical receipts including his dr appointments). .

Last year I went to get his new car tag and put it on the vehicle. 

So it doesn't sounds like a lot but it would make a difference

 

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7 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think that we all pick our battles to some extent.

You can't make another adult do things.  There can be "natural consequences" of dishes in the sink but as you noted, some people (not just men) still won't "see" them and step up.  But I will say that there was a time (not in a marriage) where I had to set boundaries with dishes and I set the table with just what was clean - whether it was just one fork for four people.  When there was a complaint, I motioned to the sink and let them wash the other forks etc. needed. 

In my marriage, I do 90% of the housework (or don't do it - my house would win no prizes), I do 100% of the schooling, I do 90% of the  yardwork, I do 100% of the finances, banking and taxes, I do 100% of my husband and my laundry but he does 100% of his ironing because I refuse to do it and it will just sit there and he wants ironed shirts - on occasion he has taken his shirts to the dry cleaners to be done and it irritates me a bit but hey, he's taking responsibility for his shirts so not my problem!.  But I feel respected and loved and valued and that makes 100% of the difference. 

Yes!! In the right context I wouldn’t even mind. I think you’re doing awesome. 

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He's on chapter 2 of 6th grade Math Mammoth. He likes math and I can omit problems so I think we can catch up. 

The English I'm still trying to sort out. The history I bought a new book and we haven't done it. We need to sit down together and do that. I had hoped to do that on Wednesday mornings but thinks keep coming up. Tomorrow I'm going to the eye dr, then taking the kids to swing by her optometrist's second office to get the nail polish painted on her new lenses and then possible go to the fair. Irresponsible? Maybe. But if I get a job this may be the only chance to do it and we've never gone to the fair. 

Ds agreed to do weekend work if we have to catch up. I think we can get there if we need to.

It's unintentional but I have a lot going on this week. I planned a Mom's night for our homeschool group weeks ago. It's this Friday. But some Mom time would be nice, too! 

Ds has one of those jumbo books "6th grade curriculum" and thinks it's too easy. I picked out a few pages for him to do yesterday that looked slightly more challenging. He's done Daily Grams before and I didn't bother to buy the current grade level. I'm still trying to figure out what is worth purchasing.

My jaw about dropped last night when I overheard dh tell his mom it's okay if you can't get the Prime (Amazon membership) this year. I got it, it's just a hard month with my school and the car tags. I thought WHAT you got it? Really? We have six dollars in our savings account. WTH is wrong with you.

And yes I know I sound like a hypocrite but I have ibotta funds and birthday money. I'm not planning on spending $100 at the fair/mom's night, either. 

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