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I second Katie's suggestion to seriously consider teaching even if it is not your favorite thing.  I don't think you will be able to depend on your husband for child care whether you are living together or divorced.  So plan your life as if you will be a total single mom.  And to do that you need a job that works around kids.  Since you have a degree I know you can get an emergency teaching certificate quickly.  If you are waiting until you put your dd in school next fall you have time to figure this out whether you intend to stay with him or not. 

Also I think the term narcissist gets over used sometimes. He behaves badly.  He needs to stop.  He either will or he will not.

 

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I will do my best not to be too harsh.   The problem isn't you, it's your DH.   What I am reading is that he has things he's supposed to take care of, but then, he doesn't.  So then, kn

You GUYS!!!  I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. Th

Well, I dunno if it's actually gaslighting or not...I am not really up on trendy pop psychology terms.   But I can tell you that if my spouse EVER......*EVER*....implied that he should "just

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I second Katie's suggestion to seriously consider teaching even if it is not your favorite thing.  I don't think you will be able to depend on your husband for child care whether you are living together or divorced.  So plan your life as if you will be a total single mom.  And to do that you need a job that works around kids.  Since you have a degree I know you can get an emergency teaching certificate quickly.  If you are waiting until you put your dd in school next fall you have time to figure this out whether you intend to stay with him or not. 

Also I think the term narcissist gets over used sometimes. He behaves badly.  He needs to stop.  He either will or he will not.

 

I think I've thrown this out there before, but medical coding can also be a very lucrative field, flexible and easy to get into. There is some basic certification required that can be done online. That is an upfront cost, but I suspect there are scholarship programs out there. The pay is great, and most positions are remote. You might run into some provisions against having children under a certain age in your direct care during working hours, but you could still work school hours, and ds is nearly old enough to qualify as a babysitter for dd (even though you'd still be in the house). My mom retired this past month from a supervisory position overseeing coders across the state in a large healthcare network. Some are even from out of state. They are only required to report in person for a meeting once per year. And of course all travel, hotel, etc. is on the company. They are always looking for reliable coders and many companies will pay for continuing ed., etc. 

You might need access to a computer while you get your certification, but once you are hired, the company will provide a computer, headset, internet service, etc. for you. Our local community college offers some classes as well; my mom used to recruit out of those classes.

Just another option to consider.

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1 minute ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I think I've thrown this out there before, but medical coding can also be a very lucrative field, flexible and easy to get into. There is some basic certification required that can be done online. That is an upfront cost, but I suspect there are scholarship programs out there. The pay is great, and most positions are remote. You might run into some provisions against having children under a certain age in your direct care during working hours, but you could still work school hours, and ds is nearly old enough to qualify as a babysitter for dd (even though you'd still be in the house). My mom retired this past month from a supervisory position overseeing coders across the state in a large healthcare network. Some are even from out of state. They are only required to report in person for a meeting once per year. And of course all travel, hotel, etc. is on the company. They are always looking for reliable coders and many companies will pay for continuing ed., etc. 

You might need access to a computer while you get your certification, but once you are hired, the company will provide a computer, headset, internet service, etc. for you. Our local community college offers some classes as well; my mom used to recruit out of those classes.

Just another option to consider.

 

Wow!

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I was desperate. Determined to get one job app done! Had the sitter watch dd a couple hours. Just submitted one job app. Called and got name of hiring manager so I could personalize the cover letter. 

Now I gotta go pick up dd and then we’re going out as a family to the pumpkin patch/petting zoo. 

I’ll have to edit my resume again to tailor it for the next job. 

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11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was desperate. Determined to get one job app done! Had the sitter watch dd a couple hours. Just submitted one job app. Called and got name of hiring manager so I could personalize the cover letter. 

Now I gotta go pick up dd and then we’re going out as a family to the pumpkin patch/petting zoo. 

I’ll have to edit my resume again to tailor it for the next job. 

 

Woot!   You go, girl!!!

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Heart, I’m so proud of you.  Do what you feel is right wrt to working at so-and-so and such.  Also, I think scarlet mentioned that work may not even be the best idea...I’d absolutely keep sending out resume after resume but make sure you ask the lawyer whether you should get a job or not.  

Also, I have family in North Miss.  If you need me to ask them anything about available DV resources there or job situations or anything else, PM me.   I realize you’ll probably want to stay in the southern half of the state, but just in case...   I also have family in Mobile, AL, who are very plugged-in to the community there.  Same goes...PM me if you need me to find out anything for you.  One family member owns section 8 housing, I believe, so just in case it came to that, you might be interested.    

Big, huge hugs.  

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You GUYS!!! 

I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. They want someone with QuarkXPress and InDesign experience. I’m one of the dinosaurs that has Quark experience. I have InDesign, too. 

He might even remember me. He cane by the office occasionally. The pay is better than what I made before. Partly inflation I’m sure but also higher COL area. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

You GUYS!!! 

I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. They want someone with QuarkXPress and InDesign experience. I’m one of the dinosaurs that has Quark experience. I have InDesign, too. 

He might even remember me. He cane by the office occasionally. The pay is better than what I made before. Partly inflation I’m sure but also higher COL area. 

How far from home?

 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

You GUYS!!! 

I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. They want someone with QuarkXPress and InDesign experience. I’m one of the dinosaurs that has Quark experience. I have InDesign, too. 

He might even remember me. He cane by the office occasionally. The pay is better than what I made before. Partly inflation I’m sure but also higher COL area. 

Nicely done, Universe! 

Hope it pans out! 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

You GUYS!!! 

I just saw a job posting for a publication owned by the man that owns the big newspaper I used to work at. They want someone with a min of 1 yr experience. I worked there 4 years. They want someone with QuarkXPress and InDesign experience. I’m one of the dinosaurs that has Quark experience. I have InDesign, too. 

He might even remember me. He cane by the office occasionally. The pay is better than what I made before. Partly inflation I’m sure but also higher COL area. 

 

Super!

I hope it works out!

I definitely think you should try for it!  

(Also, If you get it, and you want to do it — see how that can work rather looking for how it can’t.  Maybe you’d have to get a reliable new or certified used late model car to safely and reliably commute even if your new income largely went to making car payments, or take a room rental in a house where you and kids would be during your work week...  but over all you might well be much ahead in your Life journey even if it’s logistically temporarily not ideal.   )

 

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6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How far from home?

 

They are all give it take an hr but Dh said with the added income we could rent and then later buy a home. I don’t know. We’ll see. 

I turned in 2 more job applications tonight (he was chomping at the bit to get online). I’ll work on a 4th this weekend. 

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The attorney never called me. I know if I get a job it doesn’t mean family dynamics etc will magically be better but it might change some things. 

The kids were in the car so we couldn’t say much. When Dh suggested two homes... beeping the one on campus during the with week and then going to the other on the weekend I was like hmm maybe. I could get an apartment closer to my job and — then he got super offended, but didn’t say anything nasty. He heard the “I” and I said well, we get an apartment. Then he suggested I see the kids on weekends and I said excuse me? The kids would go to school near me, in a good school district. 

As long as everything is “we” and our plan, it sounds like there’s wiggle room for some space between us. But I suggested if I got the job he tries to transfer to the other campus when this one employee leaves. Supposedly she’s leaving with in the year? 

It’s true he may or may not be a narcissist. I just wish sometimes he would respect my decisions and not pester me. I’m one of those people that orders the same dish everytime I eat at a restaurant. So he said you know there’s a whole menu. Lots of better stuff. I’m like look, I know what I want and that’s what I’ve been looking forward to. I did try his appetizer which was surprisingly good but I didn’t care for the other thing ds and Dh ordered. 

Dd and I shared what we were craving and we even got matching drinks (smoothie). It was a great meal. 

Dh sorta criticized my walking trail petting zoo option. The safari was a lot more money and lasts 45 min. I didn’t know if we had the attention span for that or the funds. He did fall in love with the camel and I think everyone had a good time.

Made me think about the post about becoming a vet (or maybe it was vet tech). Don’t beat yourself up for following your passion. Who knows! Maybe you could have been at the school to fulfill your kids’ needs and been miserable! I know I don’t want to bring home stacks of papers to grade. Lots of teaching details are a huge turnoff to me. I have a sibling that teaches (she’s in public school but she’s also taught in private. I shadowed her for a day once. I passed the CBEST in California so I could substitute near her when I was living there but they weren’t hiring). She said she couldn’t do it if she had a family. We have similar personalities. She grades all her own stuff; won’t delegate it to a student either etc. like some of her colleagues do. She teaches high school level. 

Both my parents are ex teachers. My dad said he couldn’t deal with the discipline angle and he wasn't challenged enough. He has a master’s in math and I guess they weren’t hiring for upper level math. He taught 8th graders and one started a fire in the trashcan once lol 

My mother taught 2nd grade but she’s a woman of few words about her past so I need to ask what led her to leaving. 

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When you get a job, Figure out what you should do with money you make, what your own priorities are for it.  

Be careful on important purchases if any are made with your money to get your name on title, deed. And for them to be sensible from your perspective, not extravagant. 

Like Oregon, I think Mississippi isn’t a Community Property State.  Here I know someone whose exhusband got awarded the nice big house though she had worked for the money that bought  it: because his name, not hers, was on the deed.    She got the kids, but had to go rent elsewhere. 

Also as your husband’s family wants him to make someone else than you his beneficiary.  

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Good points. 

I don’t know if I told my parents the beneficiary thing. 

Dd ran away from me last night while my hands were full and I was bringing items into the house. She was indoors but when ds and I went inside she ran out saying she wanted to play. I told her to get back inside. I told Dh so he went after her. I also was trying to not let the cat run out. 

Dd came back inside crying and I asked what happened. I know the tears were from her being upset not necessarily from pain but she said Dh spanked her. I said, “don’t spank her. Put her in time out.” Time out is my compromise. PositiveDiscipline doesn’t believe in traditional time outs. But I let her do time out in the same room as me, rather than isolated. 

Where we live spanking is so common a judge probably wouldn’t even flinch. But I’ll write it down in my journal anyway. Just for my own records. 

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Dh pointed out that the publication using quark may not be around long term because newspapers and such are dying (they are a newspaper & magazine). 

So I don’t know if I’d be better off at one of the other jobs. I’ll just see what, if anything, I’m offered. 

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42 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh pointed out that the publication using quark may not be around long term because newspapers and such are dying (they are a newspaper & magazine). 

So I don’t know if I’d be better off at one of the other jobs. I’ll just see what, if anything, I’m offered. 

You don't need long-term. You need something for now.

Newspapers may be dying but they've been dying for decades. Apply for everything and take the best job available to you right now. You can always move into something else later, if need be. 

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And don't let dh crap all over your opportunities. He's good at that.

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6 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

You don't need long-term. You need something for now.

Newspapers may be dying but they've been dying for decades. Apply for everything and take the best job available to you right now. You can always move into something else later, if need be. 

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And don't let dh crap all over your opportunities. He's good at that.

Yes! And it'll help to have recent professional employment on your resume. 

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9 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

Yes! And it'll help to have recent professional employment on your resume. 

Exactly. You're not looking for a career here. You're looking for a foot in the door and an opportunity for independence. Focus on the goal.

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Narcissism is both a personality disorder and a behavior. He doesn't have to have narcissistic personality disorder to exhibit the behaviors, and the methods suggested in the post to deal with narcissists will help with any sort of toxic person, and he is toxic.

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50 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

You don't need long-term. You need something for now.

Newspapers may be dying but they've been dying for decades. Apply for everything and take the best job available to you right now. You can always move into something else later, if need be. 

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And don't let dh crap all over your opportunities. He's good at that.

 

43 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

Yes! And it'll help to have recent professional employment on your resume. 

 

32 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

Exactly. You're not looking for a career here. You're looking for a foot in the door and an opportunity for independence. Focus on the goal.

 

ITA!!!  

And you sounded jazzed when you wrote about the newspaper job! That’s important too if you get it, and if the boss is someone you get along with, it could make work more pleasant too. 

Also, you can then grow and update your skills, get more computer access etc.      skill improvement may then be at least tax deductible too, so may be less costly if already employed 

 

maybe in time with this job or one like somewhat like it, you could even be growing some extra freelancing side gigs so that if the paper magazine (or other business you might have been hired by) dies you’ll have some added possible income streams...

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Yes, I know. But I was getting down because what they use isn’t really going to teach me Illustrator or other new skills probably. However, I could try to do that another way maybe. 

One of the jobs I applied for wants Illustrator experience and I didn’t want them to dismiss me too quickly so I addressed it head on in the cover letter stating that I learned Quark on the job and used it daily. I could do the same with Illustrator. I had other skills/experience they wanted. 

Yes, I will take what I can. I’ll also apply for the mall job. It’s a marketing job for the whole mall. I’ll have to really dig for my old resumes to do that one. They care about retail experience they said. I’ll include my mall retail experience (I worked in a mall) as well as other retail experience (big box store). That job may be out of my league but sometimes job descriptions are crazy lol 

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5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh pointed out that the publication using quark may not be around long term because newspapers and such are dying (they are a newspaper & magazine). 

So I don’t know if I’d be better off at one of the other jobs. I’ll just see what, if anything, I’m offered. 

 

he sort of sounds like a know it all who is trying to pop your balloon.  You didn’t need him to tell you that print is a shrinking industry, you have a communications degree and 4 years of experience in it!  Of the two of you, you are the one with more knowledge of the field.  You know that the industry faces challenges but there are also opportunities and one recent print job can lead to other opportunities.  

 

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On 10/4/2019 at 10:31 AM, PeachyDoodle said:

I think I've thrown this out there before, but medical coding can also be a very lucrative field, flexible and easy to get into. There is some basic certification required that can be done online. That is an upfront cost, but I suspect there are scholarship programs out there. The pay is great, and most positions are remote. You might run into some provisions against having children under a certain age in your direct care during working hours, but you could still work school hours, and ds is nearly old enough to qualify as a babysitter for dd (even though you'd still be in the house). My mom retired this past month from a supervisory position overseeing coders across the state in a large healthcare network. Some are even from out of state. They are only required to report in person for a meeting once per year. And of course all travel, hotel, etc. is on the company. They are always looking for reliable coders and many companies will pay for continuing ed., etc. 

You might need access to a computer while you get your certification, but once you are hired, the company will provide a computer, headset, internet service, etc. for you. Our local community college offers some classes as well; my mom used to recruit out of those classes.

Just another option to consider.

You can also specialize eventually if desired. I used to work for a medical software company and they employed coders who had the special certification related to cancer coding. The coders helped train and assist coders at hospitals, primarily remotely over the phone, who had recently purchased our software. So long term, there are opportunities for advancement and specialization if you desire.

Another thing I’ve known more than one newly single mom do is go back to school for a Master’s degree in Student Affairs in Higher Education (it can be called slightly different things at different schools). Often, housing and sometimes a meal plans are included in exchange for being an RA or HRA in family housing while in school and sometimes tuition is also covered. They go on to all sorts of positions at colleges, everything from housing to international  offices. My sister did this when her daughter was eight (on the advice of another divorced mom who had done it), and got a job after graduation at the same college where she got her degree. It really couldn’t have been a better situation for her in every way while she raised her daughter by herself.

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5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes, I know. But I was getting down because what they use isn’t really going to teach me Illustrator or other new skills probably. However, I could try to do that another way maybe. 

One of the jobs I applied for wants Illustrator experience

That job may be out of my league but sometimes job descriptions are crazy lol 

 

Re: Illustrator, I would do some online modules for that and “fake it till you make it”.  Don’t claim to have professional experience using it that you don’t but don’t say you are a total newbie to it either.  

Build up a portfolio

Do you have the software to practice on at home?  You should be able to get an academic license or subscribe to the creative cloud thing they have for a reasonable price.  

Re: out of your league.  NOPE.  It is not out of your league.  

https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified

there is a podcast about working and being a woman that I really like called Battle Tactics for your Sexist Workplace.  It’s got some great information you might find valuable.  

 

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Oh I’d practice Illustrator if I could but I don’t have creative cloud and dh’s library only purchased creative cloud photoshop. 

I could still view videos I guess. And maybe next time I go to a book store flip through a book on it. Maybe like Illustrator for Dummies or such. 

I just submitted the mall application. It’s for a Marketing Events Coordinator. I attached a cover letter and mentioned that I’d been to their recent grand opening for a new store (I bought organic pumpkin seeds there. It’s a health store). I cited other relevant things. 

Dh said he thought they still had a while before they would shut down the paper but it made me apprehensive. 

Illustrator didn’t make a lot of sense at our job because the licenses were purchased for other things already like photoshop. My boss at the time had her own copy of Illustrator on her machine and drove news and graphics dept insane when she’d make her own ad and we’d try to modify it (because things get updated from issue to issue sometimes) and we’d have to open it in photoshop and chop it up and drag boxes over the text or try to find a similar font etc. So I think I kind of grew a hatred for Illustrator lol! It’s really a vector program and probably fine for creating logos. That’s why I think that one graphic design job I applied for uses it — they make car wraps and stuff. 

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh I’d practice Illustrator if I could but I don’t have creative cloud and dh’s library only purchased creative cloud photoshop. 

I could still view videos I guess. And maybe next time I go to a book store flip through a book on it. Maybe like Illustrator for Dummies or such. 

I just submitted the mall application. It’s for a Marketing Events Coordinator. I attached a cover letter and mentioned that I’d been to their recent grand opening for a new store (I bought organic pumpkin seeds there. It’s a health store). I cited other relevant things. 

 

Sounds good!  Keep on keepin on!  For most people it takes a lot lot lot of applications to land a job.

4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh said he thought they still had a while before they would shut down the paper but it made me apprehensive. 

 

Well, now, “bless his heart” but I think he does tend to be a Debbie Downer. 

I guess his library probably has a while left before it’s shut down

in favor of digital.

https://www.acrl.ala.org/ULS/when-is-a-library-no-longer-a-library/

you can probably segue from print to digital design.  Wonder if he’s got what it’d take to run a totally virtual library?

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12 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Sounds good!  Keep on keepin on!  For most people it takes a lot lot lot of applications to land a job.

 

Well, now, “bless his heart” but I think he does tend to be a Debbie Downer. 

I guess his library probably has a while left before it’s shut down

in favor of digital.

https://www.acrl.ala.org/ULS/when-is-a-library-no-longer-a-library/

you can probably segue from print to digital design.  Wonder if he’s got what it’d take to run a totally virtual library?

Thank you for putting things into perspective for me. 

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Could be fear of his library job vanishing to the digital age is driving his quest for another degree. 

and maybe it’s related to his personal spending on things for library — that he’s trying to bring in students to prove to powers that be there’s still an interest in a real brick , mortar and paper based books type library.  

He’s sort of like in a clay cuneiform archival storage type job — after the invention of paper. 

But even if there is personal anxiety driving him to put you down, put something that excited you down, at best he doesn’t seem very pleasant.  

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He wasn’t raining on the parade the whole time. He said, “apply now” and I said I had to do it from the computer when we got home and he grumbled over the computer. He said the job description sounded like it was written for me because it sounds like my old job. But I just got hung up on the newspapers are dying thing. 

He told me to apply for the job his friend told him about. But I’m sure it would cause friction between them if I got it. 

Today he was acting like a bully. I called him out on it. He was egging ds on to eat more of some spicy chips? Ds didn’t want to. I said from the other room, “leave him alone.” Dh called ds a tattletale. He said, “snitches get stitches.” I said, “he didn’t say anything. I can hear you.” I told Ds privately that Dh was acting like a bully so ignore him and leave the room if he needs to. 

Dh has weird humor and sometimes picks on ds in a way that is very unkind. I don’t like this kind of ribbing. He gave me grief about my eggs saying I was banned from making them til I learned how. Said I refuse to learn. Unfortunately he got a rise out of me and I said it’s not a refusal, I just haven’t been very successful. I made a small batch for the kids and dd said they were fine. 

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It sounds like I’m already doing some Illustrator-type work with Affinity Designer. 

 

 

I’ll see if I can download Inkscape, too. That might be good Illustrator-like practice. It’s free. Hopefully not too big of a memory hog. This post is formatting my text weird. 

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Ran credit reports. 

But it shows our cc under my report. The cc company confused me saying I was simply an authorized user. Then why does it show up on my report? 

His report looks legit. Says the student loans are deferred til 2024, though. I thought we had to pay a minimum now (working toward the loan forgiveness of X number of payments). Maybe a portion is deferred. I’m not sure. I don’t see a Sept payment in the bank acct. 

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12 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ran credit reports. 

But it shows our cc under my report. The cc company confused me saying I was simply an authorized user. Then why does it show up on my report? 

His report looks legit. Says the student loans are deferred til 2024, though. I thought we had to pay a minimum now (working toward the loan forgiveness of X number of payments). Maybe a portion is deferred. I’m not sure. I don’t see a Sept payment in the bank acct. 

 

I am an authorized user on a few of dh’s cards and they all show up in my credit report as well. One card had a balance for a bit and when we paid it off, both dh’s credit score and my credit score went up. Just an FYI. 

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On 9/29/2019 at 4:52 PM, Garga said:

@heartlikealion, did you read the link Manager Mom gave above?  That sounds exactly like your dh.  

I can’t remember if you said whether or not he’ll go to counseling?  I think I remember that you have serious roadblocks to getting it—cost, time, etc.  

This thread is reminding me of that running article that used to be in a woman’s magazine, Woman’s Day or something like that, called “Can this marriage be saved?”  

Each issue, a wife would explain her side and you’d think her husband was just awful, but then the husband would explain his side and you would realize he wasn’t that awful and that there were 2 sides to the story.  Then the article would discuss how the counselor helped them to meet in the middle.

Heart, I’m not saying that you’re not right and he’s not entirely wrong.  I’m just saying that without knowing you in person and seeing you two interact, perhaps things could change with a counselor.  Especially if his ADHD could be treated.  Now, if he refuses, that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax.  

I can’t remember whether or not he accepts that he has ADHD, but if so, is he willing to try meds for it?  That might go a very long way to changing things for you and maybe you wouldn’t need the counselor at all if the ADHD could be addressed. 

————

(Removed some personal stuff)

————

 

Back to the OP—your DH does things that are such jerk moves—threatening to leave you on the side of the road, etc.  But he also does things that are classic ADHD things.  And I wonder whether if the ADHD stuff can be helped, if the other jerk behaviors will go down.  

Ok it took me a couple days to relocate this link lol 

I took the test on myself. I scored enough that *I* might have that. But I don’t get “ragey” with just anyone. It’s the crappy dynamic with Dh mainly. And I’m working on my reactive responses. 

I read what you said before you edited. How frustrating. 

I don’t think Dh will go to a dr to deal with what is probably ADHD. He wouldn’t even seriously listen to the book in the car this last time I played it. 

I am not sure yet how caffeine affects him, either. He says he relies on it daily to wake up? He sometimes buys it when we drive long distance as a crutch. But last time he said it didn’t really help and he had a monster energy drink and later a coffee. At one point he was not paying attention and nearly crashed into the car in front of us as we approached a light. I yelled and he barked in time. I offer to drive but he usually insists on driving. Says he doesn’t even think he can fit in the passenger side because of his knees and the glove compartment. I know I have driven before but I suppose it was uncomfortable. 

He got a black coffee on Friday and said it made him sleepy. I said sometimes caffeine has the opposite effect on people if they have adhd. The lady that sold the coffee said it was probably the cinnamon roll that made him sleepy. But he insists that coffee helps him at work. /shrug 

Well regardless of whether either of us suffer from RSD, I don’t want to always give him a pass. 

He throws my drugs in my face sometimes like a, “are you on your period?” type comment. “Have you taken your pills today?” It’s true I’m more prone to snippiness without them but I fear he deflects from his own bad behavior or the topic at hand by pointing out my flaws. I’m the crazy one. I’m the problem. Kwim? 

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14 minutes ago, maize said:

His student loans may be in deferral because he is currently a student again.

It is normal for the credit card on which you are an authorized user to show up on your report. 

Yes my boss’s credit card that I am an authorized user on shows up on my credit report.  

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Ok it took me a couple days to relocate this link lol 

I took the test on myself. I scored enough that *I* might have that. But I don’t get “ragey” with just anyone. It’s the crappy dynamic with Dh mainly. And I’m working on my reactive responses. 

I read what you said before you edited. How frustrating. 

I don’t think Dh will go to a dr to deal with what is probably ADHD. He wouldn’t even seriously listen to the book in the car this last time I played it. 

I am not sure yet how caffeine affects him, either. He says he relies on it daily to wake up? He sometimes buys it when we drive long distance as a crutch. But last time he said it didn’t really help and he had a monster energy drink and later a coffee. At one point he was not paying attention and nearly crashed into the car in front of us as we approached a light. I yelled and he barked in time. I offer to drive but he usually insists on driving. Says he doesn’t even think he can fit in the passenger side because of his knees and the glove compartment. I know I have driven before but I suppose it was uncomfortable. 

He got a black coffee on Friday and said it made him sleepy. I said sometimes caffeine has the opposite effect on people if they have adhd. The lady that sold the coffee said it was probably the cinnamon roll that made him sleepy. But he insists that coffee helps him at work. /shrug 

Well regardless of whether either of us suffer from RSD, I don’t want to always give him a pass. 

He throws my drugs in my face sometimes like a, “are you on your period?” type comment. “Have you taken your pills today?” It’s true I’m more prone to snippiness without them but I fear he deflects from his own bad behavior or the topic at hand by pointing out my flaws. I’m the crazy one. I’m the problem. Kwim? 

This is not ok.  This is a terrible way to treat one’s wife.  

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Today after church I asked a woman I know about the pay dates. She said all she knows is the same, “near end of month.” She suggested I ask the business office but I said I’m not the employee so I don’t know if they would answer that. She agreed they may not and asked if I could send Dh to the business office. I said he’s not likely to do it lol 

I confided in the religious sister I mentioned. She didn’t know much to suggest but gave me a lib to her work’s website in case any if their resources help. She works with prisoners. 

Dh’s loan is deferred. I confirmed. When his current program ends he’ll go back to payments and it’s estimated 5 more years of payments to be forgiven. That’s with the catch that he must be a state employee in higher ed still. So I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know where he will be working that long from now. Yes, it may be paid off before I’m 50 but still I feel the debt as a looming cloud. 

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Trying to make a kid eat spicy food that hurts their mouth, then threatening violence if they tell anyone is incredibly abusive. Your DH is abusing your son. Mentally, if not physically (although given everything...yeah). You need to document that interaction (briefly - one sentence) when you speak to the lawyer bring it up. 

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Today I sliced my finger badly. I asked ds to get me a badass while I ran it under cool water after I washed it with a mild soap. Ds was not acting very swiftly and he’s not the best with dexterity/motor skills so I told him to have Dh open it if he needed. 

Dh thinks he knows it all with first aid because he was trained once upon a time... I have told him before not to bother with hydrogen peroxide or rubbing alcohol. He had me follow him in the bathroom and I said no, I don’t need HP. It’s actually worse. He saw the rubbing alcohol and I said don’t need that, either. I already washed it. He made me doubt myself and said RA was fine. While I tried to protest he called me a child. I said his training was outdated (and yes I stooped to calling him a know it all — I’m sure that’s what I sound like!). He bandaged me up and asked about the meal I was making. I said I didn’t think I’d want to have to get my hands wet to get the big pan out of the sink and wash it. He said you could just make it another day. I said, “or you could just wash it for me.” He left. 

I washed the pan mostly one-handed. I googled and I was right about the liquids. Not necessary. 

https://www.webmd.com/first-aid/ss/slideshow-wound-care-dos-and-donts

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Quote

Today he was acting like a bully. I called him out on it. He was egging ds on to eat more of some spicy chips? Ds didn’t want to. I said from the other room, “leave him alone.” Dh called ds a tattletale. He said, “snitches get stitches.” I said, “he didn’t say anything. I can hear you.” I told Ds privately that Dh was acting like a bully so ignore him and leave the room if he needs to. 

Dh has weird humor and sometimes picks on ds in a way that is very unkind.

 

From another kid at school I’d use term “bully” — from a father I’d call it emotional abuse moving into physical in terms of food spiciness — and threats of violence:  “stitches” for disclosing what father is doing.

There may be things you don’t know about since Ds didn’t snitch and may be afraid to tell you due to fear of violence or having been conditioned not to by threats or by being led to accept things as the way his father shows humor.

Your son may have a skewed sense of “normal.”

Edited by Pen
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9 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He throws my drugs in my face sometimes like a, “are you on your period?” type comment. “Have you taken your pills today?” It’s true I’m more prone to snippiness without them but I fear he deflects from his own bad behavior or the topic at hand by pointing out my flaws. I’m the crazy one. I’m the problem. Kwim? 

 

You use this as a causal example, but I want to stick a flag on it. The only reasons a considerate man would be asking about your period are for planning sexual activities or offering to pick up supplies/chocolate if he’s going to the store. Maybe inquiring if a camping trip or festival involving port-a-potties would be ill-timed. If he throws that at you to insinuate you’re being moody or irrational that is NOT normal. It’s stereotype jerk behavior, not what you should expect from a loving relationship.

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