Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

Recommended Posts

5 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

In regards to the way he handles money. A judge won't want to know about all the little spending. What a judge wants to hear about is that he controls the money in an unhealthy way and refuses to allow you control over it. But when you go to make the situation better for yourself by seeking employment so you have some control over finances he prevents you for making progress in that department by refusing you access to the family computer so you can work on your resume and apply for jobs.

AAANNNND - he wont' allow you dependable use of a car to get to a job that isn't accessible by public transport/other.

and - he wont' help with child care while your working (even if he's not working), you're expected to do all of that too.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

In regards to the way he handles money. A judge won't want to know about all the little spending. What a judge wants to hear about is that he controls the money in an unhealthy way and refuses to allow you control over it. But when you go to make the situation better for yourself by seeking employment so you have some control over finances he prevents you for making progress in that department by refusing you access to the family computer so you can work on your resume and apply for jobs.

 

I agree with this generally.

But $12 for kids activities versus his own entertainment home “TV” gaming, movies and restaurants out with his “friend” might relate to custody

 

 

what did he budget for kids food or family grocery? 

Edited by Pen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also his personal entertainment and restaurant  budget may look especially bad if you were trying to feed kids on WIC at same time.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Pen said:

 

I agree with this generally.

But $12 for kids activities versus his own entertainment with his “friend” might relate to custody

 

 

what did he budget for kids food or family grocery? 

This is true. But going into small details isn't important. But mentioning his inability to properly allocate funds for the family, specifically kids, she can use the whole budget as evidence. So, she should keep that document as evidence in case it comes up. But mentioning he spent x that day and y that day is too specific. Unless they are huge unnecessary purchases while not paying the credit card balance.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

This is true. But going into small details isn't important. But mentioning his inability to properly allocate funds for the family, specifically kids, she can use the whole budget as evidence. So, she should keep that document as evidence in case it comes up. But mentioning he spent x that day and y that day is too specific. Unless they are huge unnecessary purchases while not paying the credit card balance.

 

I agree.  

The important Forest gets lost in the trees and kudzu. 

Not just that the small details aren’t important, but they end up causing confusion and weaken the presentation.  

 

Edited by Pen
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously or maybe not... I was going to present things to my attorney in person if necessary as proof of financial irresponsibility/abuse and *she* would guide me about what, if anything, to present to the judge. 

Just forget it. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Partly I think there’s confusion between what is evidence being readied to present to lawyer

versus

Heart trying to make sense of situation and asking herself how bad is it, should she stay or go

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Obviously or maybe not... I was going to present things to my attorney in person if necessary as proof of financial irresponsibility/abuse and *she* would guide me about what, if anything, to present to the judge. 

Just forget it. 

 

It would probably be best to have a folder with documents available for her (additional copies for yourself and possibly shark or other lawyer later) , but to explain the situation at least initially as to the basics, rather than with all the details initially.  

At some point, I do think details are needed for explanation and proof.   

Not having a safe vehicle for you and kids or not having food or whatever are basics , while Ds spends ____ on extravagance is important.    But it can be presented as a total at least at first.  

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Obviously or maybe not... I was going to present things to my attorney in person if necessary as proof of financial irresponsibility/abuse and *she* would guide me about what, if anything, to present to the judge. 

Just forget it. 

No, don't say just forget it.  I am just trying to help you stay focused about what your goal is.  Yes, you do need to tell your attorney big picture.  And yes she will offer advice about next steps.  You just don't need a lot of evidence at all to divorce someone.  

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No, don't say just forget it.  I am just trying to help you stay focused about what your goal is.  Yes, you do need to tell your attorney big picture.  And yes she will offer advice about next steps.  You just don't need a lot of evidence at all to divorce someone.  

 

Heart Might well need substantial evidence in Mississippi if dh doesn’t agree to a divorce.  

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You’ve had a ton of good advice, but I’m just going to add on one issue: don’t call a mediator - continue pursuing an attorney. I used to work as a mediator years ago when my kids were little, and this is not he route you need right now. 

A mediator basically serves as a neutral third-party who facilitates a conversation between you and your husband. He tells the mediator what he wants, you tell them what you want, and the mediator tries to help both sides come to a consensus. A mediator does not advocate for either side, just asks questions and facilitates communication. 

You need an advocate, someone who will have your best interests at heart, and will act as another layer between yourself and your husbands unreasonableness. A mediator is not going to be that person for you. 

Youre doing great Heart - trust your gut and stay connected to who you are and what you know is right in your core. 

Edited to add: you may very well get to the point where you will go through mediation to divide things and make custody decisions, but again, you need someone to advocate for you during that. 

Edited by PinkTulip
  • Like 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Or feeling ill in vehicle due to broken a/c and asking for money to get it fixed... and he instead spends around $1000 on mixers for “gift”. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Pen said:

Partly I think there’s confusion between what is evidence being readied to present to lawyer

versus

Heart trying to make sense of situation and asking herself how bad is it, should she stay or go

Agreed. But Heart should also be prepared for this initial consultation with a lawyer, and how to make best use of the time. So when the lawyer says “tell me why you want a divorce,” Heart can summarize it in one sentence, as people have suggested above, and the lawyer can ask for details if necessary. I haven’t been through a divorce, but I expect the best way to make use of the consultation is the same as with any service for which you are paying: Briefly summarize what you want/need, then answer their questions. Redirect if you feel they are missing something, but for the most part, they have done this a hundred times and know how to get what you need in the most efficient way. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve seen his credit score. Amazingly it’s good. 700 something. He does have a furniture store card. I double checked (saw it). 

have you pulled your own credit score?

with him only making minimum monthly payments, I'd be really curious what is going on in the background.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I feel so messed up emotionally right now. Like oh no I’m making a huge mistake because maybe we could force him to get help but then I’m also like will that matter? Being with someone that didn’t want to change enough or put the marriage first the rest of the time? Someone that thinks the marriage is probably not in that bad of shape at the moment? . 

 

My dh didn't seek the help he needed until after I filed for divorce. In our case he got help and we are still together. 

Susan in TX

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Definitely don't go to mediation.

It's like doing therapy with a narcissist. If you tell them the best way to hurt you, they'll make sure they do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Heart Might well need substantial evidence in Mississippi if dh doesn’t agree to a divorce.  

 

 

Well, even if he fights the divorce he can't make her live with him.  And she has already said she has no interest in dating or remarrying since it is against her faith I believe (unless she gets the annulment?)  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

My dh didn't seek the help he needed until after I filed for divorce. In our case he got help and we are still together. 

Susan in TX

Yes, and this is always a possibility.  Especially if Heart is not completely 'done' yet ....which is what happens sometimes when we live through crap so long, then there is literally nothing the other party can do to make us stay.  So if Heart would consider staying if he gets help and IF HE CHANGES....then she needs to make him aware of that path being available.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Definitely don't go to mediation.

It's like doing therapy with a narcissist. If you tell them the best way to hurt you, they'll make sure they do.

I always thought that mediation is such a huge joke and waste of time. People who could 'compromise' really don't need a third party to get there and people who can't compromise won't regardless.  Dh had to go to mediation with his Xw both before the divorce and then years later after he and I were married and there was an issue with CS and visitation.  That experience really cemented my feelings about that process.  

And my whole experience with divorce (both mine and later when I met dh---his) have made me a huge advocate of trying one's best to agree to the terms and then disengage and move on.  Sometimes when dealing with a narcissist or other selfish controlling person you have to play a game and make them think you are giving them what they want and/or they are 'winning'.  Unless the children are in extreme danger you just have to resign yourself to them being with their parent without you and a lot of times that ends up being 50/50 time....but I would ask for more than that and just be willing to accept what the judge says.  The fighting is just so destructive.

Edited by Scarlett
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@heartlikealion

I just want to tell you that I've read your posts for years. I remember the despair and helplessness that you used to display in your posts. I see the growth that you have done and the progress you have made. And I know....I truly know that you have tried everything to turn around your marriage. 

You are doing okay. Don't listen to the lies that your dh feeds you. He wants to keep you demoralized so you will continue where you are. Some people really do believe the lies they're spouting and they are so in earnest that they can get you to believe them too. If you feel that you might be getting your vision skewed, just ask here at the hive. 

Hang in there. You are an intelligent, hard working woman. Evaluate your options, make a plan for the future and follow through. Don't tip your hand too soon. Let him keep believing that you are fine with the status quo until it is the right time for YOU to make this big decision. 

But I'm rooting for you...whatever you decide, wherever you go, you're going to be okay.

  • Like 23
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

@heartlikealion

I just want to tell you that I've read your posts for years. I remember the despair and helplessness that you used to display in your posts. I see the growth that you have done and the progress you have made. And I know....I truly know that you have tried everything to turn around your marriage. 

You are doing okay. Don't listen to the lies that your dh feeds you. He wants to keep you demoralized so you will continue where you are. Some people really do believe the lies they're spouting and they are so in earnest that they can get you to believe them too. If you feel that you might be getting your vision skewed, just ask here at the hive. 

Hang in there. You are an intelligent, hard working woman. Evaluate your options, make a plan for the future and follow through. Don't tip your hand too soon. Let him keep believing that you are fine with the status quo until it is the right time for YOU to make this big decision. 

But I'm rooting for you...whatever you decide, wherever you go, you're going to be okay.

X 100

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Furthermore even judges are very UNHELPFUL at times.  For instance, XH and I had agreed on custody and visitation but went to court over property.  The judge did not even settle the house issue.  He literally told the attorneys to 'go work that out.'  Um, duh, don't you think we would have already done that if possible?!!  It took another 6 months of torture before I was able to secure a full price offer on the house and XH was forced to buy me out for about $30K higher than he originally offered.  Judge didn't help with our house full of stuff either.  So what I did was move out and take what I thought was fair while he was out of town on vacation.  I also took 2 things that I KNEW he wanted.  And when he flipped completely out when he realized I had moved out and taken things without him 'approving', my attorney told me to just ask him what he wanted.  I stuck to just that sentence...took him about 3 or 4 email exchanges to eventually tell me he wanted the two big things and one decorative picture.  I said 'ok.'  And that was that.  By the way taking the two big things was me playing the game....I knew it would make him feel like he 'won' to get those things back and I didn't care about them anyway.  

Or we could have gone to mediation and spent $700 each painstakingly going over our household goods which probably didn't amount to much more than that $1400 total.  

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Obviously or maybe not... I was going to present things to my attorney in person if necessary as proof of financial irresponsibility/abuse and *she* would guide me about what, if anything, to present to the judge. 

Just forget it. 

Oh - no! It's okay to say it here! We aren't giving you a hard time for venting and sharing and thinking "out loud" here! Just a reminder not to focus on details with the lawyer, etc. Use summary statements like "he spends money on extravagant purchases while we are on WIC and don't have money to fix the car" and "he tries to deny medical care for the children, including an x-ray when son was injured", "he refuses to allow access to the computer for job searching if he wants to play games", "he calls me names and swears at me in front of the kids and is verbally abusive on a regular basis, especially when he doesn't get his way" "he threatened to pull over the car and kick me out in the middle of no where because I disagreed with him" "he pulled my chair and made me fall, bruising me, during an argument", "he hits DS age 11 when angry", "he punches holes in the wall when angry", "I have no credit card, lease, or car in my name, and he controls the spending". 

So while spending $15 bucks a pop on lunch is not smart when struggling to pay medical bills, it's not going to look abusive, and it may distract from the bigger stuff. The person's brain might fixate on that and ignore the bigger stuff. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you started keeping a journal with all of this yet? You need to do that now. Right now.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
58 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Oh - no! It's okay to say it here! We aren't giving you a hard time for venting and sharing and thinking "out loud" here! Just a reminder not to focus on details with the lawyer, etc. Use summary statements like "he spends money on extravagant purchases while we are on WIC and don't have money to fix the car" and "he tries to deny medical care for the children, including an x-ray when son was injured", "he refuses to allow access to the computer for job searching if he wants to play games", "he calls me names and swears at me in front of the kids and is verbally abusive on a regular basis, especially when he doesn't get his way" "he threatened to pull over the car and kick me out in the middle of no where because I disagreed with him" "he pulled my chair and made me fall, bruising me, during an argument", "he hits DS age 11 when angry", "he punches holes in the wall when angry", "I have no credit card, lease, or car in my name, and he controls the spending". 

So while spending $15 bucks a pop on lunch is not smart when struggling to pay medical bills, it's not going to look abusive, and it may distract from the bigger stuff. The person's brain might fixate on that and ignore the bigger stuff. 

Right!  @heartlikealion Go ahead and keep track of all the spending as you’re doing (like his going out to eat spending and movie spending, etc), but don’t focus on that in the big meetings with the lawyers.

When you say, “He spends money on frivolous things while we’re on WIC,” then see if they want the breakdowns.  And then you can slide a spreadsheet across the table with the amounts and totals for each category.  

It’s good to keep track of little things, but don’t necessarily go line by line with the lawyer until they want you to.  Focus on the big stuff and then when asked for details, have those at the ready.  You do want to keep track of all the frivolous spendings so that you have hard numbers to back up your statements, but just don’t lead with the details.  Lead with the big problems and use the details to support your points.

Edited by Garga
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought this might be useful - even if you don't think your dh is a narcissist - I think you will find this useful in your interactions.  (sure fits my brother.)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well, even if he fights the divorce he can't make her live with him.  And she has already said she has no interest in dating or remarrying since it is against her faith I believe (unless she gets the annulment?)  

 

If she wants to be apart from him my guess is she will probably (other than possible religion reasons) want a divorce decree with debt, custody and support arrangements spelled out.  

Otherwise she’s likely to continue to have 50% responsibility for any debt he decides to take on, not get any support, and have him able to show up at school or wherever and leave with kids any time he feels like it.  About the only thing likely to be better would be not having him easily able to put her down emotionally 24/7. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

If she wants to be apart from him my guess is she will probably (other than possible religion reasons) want a divorce decree with debt, custody and support arrangements spelled out.  

Otherwise she’s likely to continue to have 50% responsibility for any debt he decides to take on, not get any support, and have him able to show up at school or wherever and leave with kids any time he feels like it.  About the only thing likely to be better would be not having him easily able to put her down emotionally 24/7. 

Oh for sure.....there is sometimes a legal separation available.  Most lawyers don't want to go that route though.....But once a divorce is filed there are temporary measures put in place that cover custody, visitaton and debt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I had planned on having the breakdowns for if/when they needed them. I wasn’t gonna talk to the attorney by saying hi, on Jan. X my spouse ate a huge meal. (Lol) 

It helps me find validity in my own perceptions by going through the bank account, even if they don’t need it. 

Yes, I have a journal documenting things. I have Amazon history images and print outs for major items. I even took a pic of the tv on the wall the day I came home to it. Not that it would be particularly useful. 

This is a real kicker maybe. He got me to quit my steady, FT job with benefits to move with him for his non paid practicum. His plan was to pay rent with savings & student loan money. Our landlords only agreed if we paid a lot at once since we had no source of income. So we plugged along there til the landlords raised the rent.  We didn’t have enough time to move. I scrambled to get a job. Then I researched low income housing and asked my job for a transfer to the store by the low income subdivision. Dh couldn’t find a job to do after his practicum hours or that didn’t conflict with my hours. I suggested overnight stocking but for whatever reason he didn’t do that. Then he urged me to apply for SNAP. I dragged my feet because I felt unworthy. Like who quits their job then applies for SNAP? I finally applied and we had SNAP and CHIPS. Earlier in our relationship we had WIC and Medicaid. I used to go to work so embarrassed. I had a college degree and I couldn’t afford to buy snacks at the register. It didn’t accept my EBT card. I’d sometimes scrounge up change to buy something in the break room vending machine if I forgot food/drink from home. 

He would say on Fridays they were going to his mom’s house and I could go or stay home alone with no car because we only had one car. I’d try to get him to compromise... make it a short stay. But he’d spend all day there. Nothing he ever did was frowned upon like that. My own parents would have probably said go home to your wife at some point. 

  • Like 1
  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes, I had planned on having the breakdowns for if/when they needed them. I wasn’t gonna talk to the attorney by saying hi, on Jan. X my spouse ate a huge meal. (Lol) 

It helps me find validity in my own perceptions by going through the bank account, even if they don’t need it. 

Yes, I have a journal documenting things. I have Amazon history images and print outs for major items. I even took a pic of the tv on the wall the day I came home to it. Not that it would be particularly useful. 

This is a real kicker maybe. He got me to quit my steady, FT job with benefits to move with him for his non paid practicum. His plan was to pay rent with savings & student loan money. Our landlords only agreed if we paid a lot at once since we had no source of income. So we plugged along there til the landlords raised the rent.  We didn’t have enough time to move. I scrambled to get a job. Then I researched low income housing and asked my job for a transfer to the store by the low income subdivision. Dh couldn’t find a job to do after his practicum hours or that didn’t conflict with my hours. I suggested overnight stocking but for whatever reason he didn’t do that. Then he urged me to apply for SNAP. I dragged my feet because I felt unworthy. Like who quits their job then applies for SNAP? I finally applied and we had SNAP and CHIPS. Earlier in our relationship we had WIC and Medicaid. I used to go to work so embarrassed. I had a college degree and I couldn’t afford to buy snacks at the register. It didn’t accept my EBT card. I’d sometimes scrounge up change to buy something in the break room vending machine if I forgot food/drink from home. 

He would say on Fridays they were going to his mom’s house and I could go or stay home alone with no car because we only had one car. I’d try to get him to compromise... make it a short stay. But he’d spend all day there. Nothing he ever did was frowned upon like that. My own parents would have probably said go home to your wife at some point. 

Did you  have a car when you married him?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Did you  have a car when you married him?

 

Yes, but I was negligent about the oil changes. I didn’t realize til it was too late. RIP Nissan Altima. Dh and I sold it on Craigslist to someone that was going to fix it. His Malibu a/c kept going out and his parents paid for new a/c but it still didn’t work consistently which was a nightmare with a young child. Now one of our current cars has a messed up a/c. 

If I was advised to leave town I think he’d be madder if I left with “his” car, the one with working a/c. I’m not sure what would be in my rights. If I had to drive hours I’d be more hesitant in my own car. It’s older. 

Edited by heartlikealion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been thinking about your situation Heart.

Based on everything you have shared, I think your dh is the sort who is always going to take care of his own priorities and his priorities will always take precedence over yours. 

He isn't a high earner and you guys have no significant assets, if you get divorced and get primary custody of the kids you may get some child support from him but I don't think it is going to be a huge amount. So you need to position yourself to provide for your own household.

Even if you don't get divorced he is never going to take care of your priorities so you are going to have to do that independently.

In either case getting back into full time work with decent career prospects seems like your best bet. You can buy your own car and your own computer and pay for medical stuff for your kids.

Logistically I don't know how this is all going to work; if you separate would you be allowed to move with the kids to a city? Opportunities for work and decent schools seem so limited where you are.

If you were to stick it or for awhile at least until both kids are school age is there a degree or certification you could work on? Student loans for your education wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea.

What do you want to do? Do you want to get back into marketing? Would you be interested in becoming a certified teacher? Some states have alternative routes to certification that allow you to work as a full time teacher while completing a few certification requirements; I don't know what the options are in your state but teaching jobs, while not the best salaries, are steady and reliable and available everywhere.

Edited by maize
  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, maize said:

I've been thinking about your situation Heart.

Based on everything you have shared, I think your dh is the sort who is always going to take care of his own priorities and his priorities will always take precedent over yours. 

He isn't a high earner and you gotta have no significant assets, if you get divorced and get primary custody of the kids you may get some child support from him but I don't think it is going to be a huge amount. So you need to position yourself to provide for your own household.

Even if you don't get divorced he is never going to take care of your priorities so you are going to have to do that independently.

In either case getting back into full time work with decent career prospects seems like your best bet. You can buy your own car and your own computer and pay for medical stuff for your kids.

Logistically I don't know how this is all going to work; if you separate would you be allowed to move with the kids to a city? Opportunities for work and decent schools seem so limited where you are.

If you were to stick it or for awhile at least until both kids are school age is there a degree or certification you could work on? Student loans for your education wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea.

What do you want to do? Do you want to get back into marketing? Would you be interested in becoming a certified teacher? Some states have alternative routes to certification that allow you to work as a full time teacher while completing a few certification requirements; I don't know what the options are in your state but teaching jobs, while not the best salaries, are steady and reliable and available everywhere.

Excellent advise.  So much depends on how her husband will react to her wanting to divorce.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With all of this going on, you need to call your therapist and get a regular appointment going.  You are not going to realize it yet but this is going to really get to you in ways you might not recognize.  Plus, having a regular appointment will help you cope and grow.  If you don’t think you can afford it at your current one, maybe one of the app based ones could be an option. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As you work through figuring out the tough path forward it might not hurt to make yourself a list of positive things to keep all the negatives from feeling overwhelming. As frustrating as it seems your married life has been, maybe there are some bright spots--you do have two kids that I know you love, your dh's income has gotten you and the kids through the tough early years, you've made some progress in figuring out health/mental health issues, tackling hoarder tendencies, etc.

No period of our life is a waste, we gain from many kinds of experience and get to learn and grow continually. You can take everything you have learned and gained up to this point and keep building on it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve researched classes/programs but it’s never worked out. The only thing I was interested in was web design or something similar offered at another campus in the city and would require homework. I know my time management, what’s on my plate, and the way the kids and Dh act. I couldn’t have made it work. You see how many hoops there are just to make it to a short-term free sewing class. 

I got the online TESOL about a month ago but it wasn’t like some intense course. 

I don’t want to be a teacher here. The satisfaction rate is low and you have to have time for student teaching hours. My sister did one alternate route teaching degree many years ago. 

I’m considered outdated in the graphic design world. I do like planning though so a job with planning events would interest me but I’ve never found the right thing. I don’t own Creative Cloud and Adobe has changed drastically. Dh just got it as his with so I guess I could try to find time to go there and play with it. I can’t justify the $50/mo fee at home. I had the trial before. I currently do my design stuff on Affinity which I bought. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you do the alternate route to teacher licensure you don't usually have to do student teaching; it looks like in Mississippi you do an internship year; you are paid during that year. Marketing is one of the specializations offered:

https://www.mdek12.org/sites/default/files/documents/OEL/mississippi-alternate-path-to-quality-teachers-(mapqt)-8-2015.pdf

If you are earning money you can pay a reliable sitter for your kids and not depend on your dh.

If you take out student loans to study web design you could use some of the funds to pay a sitter while you do your homework.

If Dh were completely out of the equation what steps would you take going forward? How would you arrange life for you and the kids if you weren't taking him into account?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Whatever career move you make now wouldn't have to to be permanent; think not in terms of ideal but in terms of what you could make work for, say, a few years. More doors may open up in the future.

I did my Masters degree through Western Governor's University, it's all online and doesn't have specified class times or assignment deadlines. It was the only way I could conceivably fit schooling into my life at the time.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I just get voicemail when I call the attorney and she didn’t call me back yesterday. 

I looked into the other sliding scale or free options. I don’t qualify. It’s based on overall household income/percent below poverty line. 

I did watch one video suggesting a mediator instead of attorney? but I don’t feel like that’s going to work and don’t know how to even find a local one. Well this mediator used to be a lawyer or something. 

I’m really leaning toward meeting with the shark but I’d have to ask my family for money 😞 or I just need to be more patient with this DV coalition. 

 

Mediation is not the way to go here. 

eta ignore, already said upthread

Edited by StellaM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/27/2019 at 12:30 AM, heartlikealion said:

Ooh I have her book! I haven’t finished it. I’ll look at the video/site 

I’ll see if my sister or dad can maybe fill it out... I dunno maybe make photo copies of it and let Dh fill out one but not necessarily use it. 

Also, just so you know, not having anyone fill it out is an option. Just because the psychologist wants it done doesn't mean it must be done, as even professional relationships have boundaries.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/27/2019 at 8:20 AM, heartlikealion said:

I know what he gets paid. I see it in the bank when it comes through. He just got paid (several hrs after the gas pump). He got a small raise (cost of living raise). But because of other things we aren’t really better off.

 

Gently, you still need the pay stub. You are only seeing what is being deposited in that particular account. The deposit can easily be divided between multiple accounts. Some employers have a limit on how many accounts they will split the check between, but from both the payroll and banking perspective, depositing one "paycheck" in multiple accounts is logistically possible and not uncommon.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/27/2019 at 9:30 PM, Pen said:

And gaslighting and emotional abuse can cause anxiety, depression, confusion, difficulties with concentration...

 

Which are treatable and sometimes that treatment includes medication. It's a valid decision to make and is best make by the OP in conjunction with her physician.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If push came to shove I’d apply for jobs as an advertising sales rep. They offer “competitive salary” blah blah. I can do those jobs but I hate them. They are commission based. I made less with the same degree as a former college classmate/coworker at the newspaper but I was way happier in the graphic design dept. I’m a bit of an introvert (I know, hard to believe). I only had to deal with people in the office. No driving to clients, cold calls, etc. 

I’d also consider working at the public school district by my parents but I don’t think I could make ends meet on that. I know it pays more than the one I interviewed for in a good school district here. 

I’d also consider a casino job but not ideal either. I’ve interviewed for those before but the casino got wrecked in Katrina after my follow up interview. 

I don’t know if my old job would take me back. They probably don’t need anyone there and one of the toxic people is still there I think but the other left. 

Three years sounds like a lifetime not short term lol. I don’t want to be miserable. Or broke, obviously. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You want to do graphic design and need to update your skills?

Could you sign up for a student Creative Cloud subscription through your husband? It's half of the regular price.

Right now, your dh's salary is covering your basic living expenses. Take advantage of that to get moving in the career direction you want. You can afford to take a lower paying position with future potential or get additional schooling more easily with that cushion than without it, unless the emotional toll is just too high.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, you already are broke and pretty miserable, right? 

You have  man threatening you, he's hurt you, he controls you, he gets angry and hit your kid - are you willing to work at a less than ideal job to get away from that?

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve thought about the teaching thing but don’t think I’m qualified to teach marketing. My major was advertising and while I’m sure there’s an overlap, marketing was a separate program. 

I don’t know how to answer the question about what I’d prefer to do. If I work right away I need daycare. There’s no public PreK at most of the schools. I don’t know how often I’d see the kids. Now I see them all the time and Dh not so much. Yes, he’s a pain but he’s also gone a lot. 

What do you guys consider a reasonable salary to have? Because really, Dh *does* make a good salary. We just don’t have much to show for it. He’s been promoted twice since moving here. So please don’t be quick to say your Dh doesn’t have a good paying job. That’s not really true. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve thought about the teaching thing but don’t think I’m qualified to teach marketing. My major was advertising and while I’m sure there’s an overlap, marketing was a separate program. 

Find out, contact the people who run the alternative licensure programs and see which specializations you might qualify for. 

Working in a school might give you access to things like creative cloud that you could update your skills on, my kids have access through their online charter school because the school gets a way better deal than individuals do. They have their own accounts.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve thought about the teaching thing but don’t think I’m qualified to teach marketing. My major was advertising and while I’m sure there’s an overlap, marketing was a separate program. 

I don’t know how to answer the question about what I’d prefer to do. If I work right away I need daycare. There’s no public PreK at most of the schools. I don’t know how often I’d see the kids. Now I see them all the time and Dh not so much. Yes, he’s a pain but he’s also gone a lot. 

What do you guys consider a reasonable salary to have? Because really, Dh *does* make a good salary. We just don’t have much to show for it. He’s been promoted twice since moving here. So please don’t be quick to say your Dh doesn’t have a good paying job. That’s not really true. 

Well if you list the salary I am sure you will get all kinds of opinions on how ‘good’ it is.  I would imagine it is a fine salary especially for a low COL plus housing included.  I have never felt problem  money...rather it is the mismanagement.  

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, maize said:

Find out, contact the people who run the alternative licensure programs and see which specializations you might qualify for. 

Working in a school might give you access to things like creative cloud that you could update your skills on, my kids have access through their online charter school because the school gets a way better deal than individuals do. They have their own accounts.

And so many places are desperate for teachers.  OK public schools issued over 3000 emergency certificates this year.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...