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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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2 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

Pull a credit report. 

I’ve seen his credit score. Amazingly it’s good. 700 something. He does have a furniture store card. I double checked (saw it). 

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Just now, heartlikealion said:

I’ve seen his credit score. Amazingly it’s good. 700 something. He does have a furniture store card. I double checked (saw it). 

 

Not for the score, for the list of open accounts. That’ll tell you what credit cards and various loans exist. 

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Just now, Seasider too said:

 

Not for the score, for the list of open accounts. That’ll tell you what credit cards and various loans exist. 

How do you even do that? Would they find out? Would it affect their score? I don’t want to draw attention 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

How do you even do that? Would they find out? Would it affect their score? I don’t want to draw attention 

Does he have a CreditKarma account?  It doesn't affect score and it gives quite a bit of info.  Dh and I each have one, strangely enough using two of my email addresses.  I think he couldn't get his to work for some reason on the site so he used one of mine.  It's a free credit check that does list accounts and score.

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I called the number on the furniture card. They knew how many months interest-free were remaining but wouldn’t tell me because I’m not him (🙄). 

I did confirm the amount left we owe courtesy of the automated menu, though. We have roughly $1600 left and he’s been making payments of roughly $50/month. At this rate, 30 payments to go, or 2.5 years. I don’t know where I got the figure 4 years before. Don’t remember when we got the furniture exactly. 

I can somewhat understand how one would justify slow payments with no interest. But I personally never would have bought that much at once knowing it would take forever to pay. 

Now I'm about to pay on some of our medical bills, sigh. They are old and did not fit on our last flex spending card cycle so we pay out of pocket. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

How do you even do that? Would they find out? Would it affect their score? I don’t want to draw attention 

Depends on if he's checked it before. It won't affect the score- you are entitled to a free report from each of the big three (Experian, TransUnion and Equifax) per year. You'll need to be able to answer certain questions though about specific accounts. Like "in what month did you open a mortgage on 123 ABC street" and such things. "What is your monthly payment for The Furniture Store Loan". That sort of thing. 

I'd start by pulling yours. Make sure there's nothing wonky under your own name you don't know about. 

 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

How do you even do that? Would they find out? Would it affect their score? I don’t want to draw attention 

I've used Annual Credit Report in the past. When you ask for the report, you have to answer very specific questions about previously owned cars, residences, etc to verify identity. I've been able to retrieve DH's with a touch of difficultly. But it doesnt inform the person of an attempt if you get some question wrong (or if you get them right and get access). You would have to pay money to get the scores, but everything else in the report is available. 

https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

Though, if your DH has credit monitoring, he might get a notice, I'm not sure.

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Ok the furniture store said promotions are often 24 months, 48 months, sometimes even 60. So it must be the 48 month one and 4 years is right. So we’ve been laying on it 18 months. 

Dh probably would have told me but I just do not like discussing finances with him. He sometimes gets stressed or snippy. 

So yup, 4 years to pay off this furniture with roughly $50 payments. 

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7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know how long I’d stay in any given area so I can’t really think that far ahead (15-16 yrs old for teen job). 

 

Our state, 14yo can get some sorts of jobs.  Not a lot, but some.  Even between 11 and 16, the time often passes seemingly amazingly quickly.  If you find a good job where your kids are stranded unless they have cars of their own that is very likely to become an issue. 

 

Even leaving out eventual teen jobs, if you’re in a place where your kids can get to friends and after school activities, sports, Y, etc on their own, as soon as safe for them, it’s likely to make life easier.   

 

Quote

I wish the attorney would call me. This is stressing me out so badly. Like can he report the car stolen if I go away with it? Not in my name bugs me.

 

He can do anything, but I don’t think you’d be in trouble as a car thief given it’s owned by spouse.  You can ask the lawyer.

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5 hours ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Depends on if he's checked it before. It won't affect the score- you are entitled to a free report from each of the big three (Experian, TransUnion and Equifax) per year. You'll need to be able to answer certain questions though about specific accounts. Like "in what month did you open a mortgage on 123 ABC street" and such things. "What is your monthly payment for The Furniture Store Loan". That sort of thing. 

I'd start by pulling yours. Make sure there's nothing wonky under your own name you don't know about. 

 

absolutely this.  just so you know - it is a "thing", where men can use their wives information to open accounts/credit cards their wives know nothing about.  you should also pull your own - as a credit report should let you know any credit cards opened under your social.

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I called the secretary at 4:15 and asked if their office hours were til 5 because I wasn’t sure if the attorney would be calling me back today. She didn’t answer the hours part but just said the attorney was in court and she’s tell her I left a message. 

Is this the normal speed of things? 

I got an email back from the law school. They no longer do a pro bono clinic on campus (too far to drive anyway) but directed me to other options. I may need those as a backup. 

I feel so messed up emotionally right now. Like oh no I’m making a huge mistake because maybe we could force him to get help but then I’m also like will that matter? Being with someone that didn’t want to change enough or put the marriage first the rest of the time? Someone that thinks the marriage is probably not in that bad of shape at the moment? 

I just need to talk to an attorney and get info. That’s the only way I’ll know what is the best way to handle this. 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I called the secretary at 4:15 and asked if their office hours were til 5 because I wasn’t sure if the attorney would be calling me back today. She didn’t answer the hours part but just said the attorney was in court and she’s tell her I left a message. 

Is this the normal speed of things? 

I got an email back from the law school. They no longer do a pro bono clinic on campus (too far to drive anyway) but directed me to other options. I may need those as a backup. 

I feel so messed up emotionally right now. Like oh no I’m making a huge mistake because maybe we could force him to get help but then I’m also like will that matter? Being with someone that didn’t want to change enough or put the marriage first the rest of the time? Someone that thinks the marriage is probably not in that bad of shape at the moment? 

I just need to talk to an attorney and get info. That’s the only way I’ll know what is the best way to handle this. 

Yes, it is normal.  What seems ( and is ) urgent to you is just another day of work to these attorneys.  Even the most caring ones.  

Just try to be calm and gather info. 

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Yes, when we have worked with attorneys communication often takes a couple of days.

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23 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I called the secretary at 4:15 and asked if their office hours were til 5 because I wasn’t sure if the attorney would be calling me back today. She didn’t answer the hours part but just said the attorney was in court and she’s tell her I left a message. 

Is this the normal speed of things? 

I got an email back from the law school. They no longer do a pro bono clinic on campus (too far to drive anyway) but directed me to other options. I may need those as a backup. 

I feel so messed up emotionally right now. Like oh no I’m making a huge mistake because maybe we could force him to get help but then I’m also like will that matter? Being with someone that didn’t want to change enough or put the marriage first the rest of the time? Someone that thinks the marriage is probably not in that bad of shape at the moment? 

I just need to talk to an attorney and get info. That’s the only way I’ll know what is the best way to handle this. 

On the last part of the bolded- that he might not think it's in that bad of shape- I could see that happening because the dysfunction is your normal now. Y'all are functionally dysfunctional. Bills are getting paid. Job is being attended. Kids are being fed. The cops aren't at your door. It's just......your normal. And maybe he is totally oblivious to how truly unhappy you are. People shuffle through unhappy all the time, and marriage definitely isn't linear on that front. (Not trying to normalize his behaviour on somethings when I say that fwiw...) He may just think this is the expectation. Or the fact that he does whatever he wants and you sweep up the refuse makes it not a bad deal in his head? Idk. The stuff with the neighbor or coworker or whatever, and just the whole laundry list......he's gotten a pretty free ride. I'm hedge towards he's oblivious that you are actually to the point you are at. 

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How does his pa treat his ma? Maybe it seems normal to him because he grew up with it like that. 

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Yeah that is very possible. Just normal now. 

His dad is a jerk but he’s not like berating his wife around us. He just doesn’t do things and expects her to do it. He won’t carry a cell phone. I said what if mil needs you to pick up something on the way home? He said that’s her job. She has a car. Mil always picks up their prescriptions, makes meals, used to iron his military uniform, etc. He usually does not give her Mother’s Day gifts because she’s not his mom, but I think he did this past year. 

His dad rules the tv and if you don’t like it, tough luck. He did that at our home, too. Then he wonders why people don’t stay in the room — umm because I don’t like all your shows? Lol He was watching a shoe investigating chupacabra this weekend. I’m trying to eat dinner and there’s dead animals on the screen. I nudged Dh and said can we not watch this during dinner?? He asked his dad about it and his dad fast forwarded but then it was just more awful crap. A cave full of cockroaches. I was like eww!! and looked away. If I had to I know I could have left the room. 

His dad also smoked in his truck with me once. I knew if I asked him not to it wouldn’t matter. Also, mil and sil smoked during their pregnancies. But he’s a little more level headed than mil at times and has understood my POV. 

 

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He doesn’t want VIPKID to interfere with his leisure. That’s why I finally suggested Sat mornings if I do it at all. And he just shoo’d me off the computer while I was working on my resume. He said he wanted to hang out with his friends (they game & chat). I was like really? It’s more important for you to game than me to apply for this job. I see. He said use ds’ computer. I said he doesn’t have internet and doesn’t have my program with my resumé. (Right now ds just uses that machine for his typing program and I don’t know why internet won’t work. I asked Dh about it days ago). Then he said “we” should have been asleep. I said your wife should have been asleep at 9 pm? He said, “yeah, so I can have some peace and you’re usually in bed earlier or that’s the goal.” So you see I feel it will always be like dh’s games > wife. No room for true quality time. 

I feel confident if I didn’t have to worry about Dh I could pay down bills and grocery shop etc with confidence and get out of debt in a more timely manner. 

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He’s so cheap about sitters, too. He suggested taking dd with us to see the new Zombieland movie (?!) for his birthday. I said no way. I’d sooner stay home with her than drag her. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

 

I feel so messed up emotionally right now. Like oh no I’m making a huge mistake because maybe we could force him to get help but then I’m also like will that matter? Being with someone that didn’t want to change enough or put the marriage first the rest of the time? Someone that thinks the marriage is probably not in that bad of shape at the moment? 

I just need to talk to an attorney and get info. That’s the only way I’ll know what is the best way to handle this. 

 

You've tried to get him help before. He doesn't want it. 

Put it this way, when you put on the ADHD talk, did he listen quietly and say later 'Hey heart, thanks for playing that talk today. It gave me lots to think about' and then later he talked to you about maybe following it up ? No. He complained about it. Has he ever had a moment of insight that punching holes in walls, and wasting food and medical money on trivia and telling you you have Munchausen's is wrong, and did he ever follow up on that of his own accord and make appropriate changes ? No.

You can't force anyone to get help they don't think they need.

Staying is always an option, though. You're not committed to anything by getting info. 

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25 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He doesn’t want VIPKID to interfere with his leisure. That’s why I finally suggested Sat mornings if I do it at all. And he just shoo’d me off the computer while I was working on my resume. He said he wanted to hang out with his friends (they game & chat). I was like really? It’s more important for you to game than me to apply for this job. I see. He said use ds’ computer. I said he doesn’t have internet and doesn’t have my program with my resumé. (Right now ds just uses that machine for his typing program and I don’t know why internet won’t work. I asked Dh about it days ago). Then he said “we” should have been asleep. I said your wife should have been asleep at 9 pm? He said, “yeah, so I can have some peace and you’re usually in bed earlier or that’s the goal.” So you see I feel it will always be like dh’s games > wife. No room for true quality time. 

I feel confident if I didn’t have to worry about Dh I could pay down bills and grocery shop etc with confidence and get out of debt in a more timely manner. 

 

Yeah, you could. 

You're not incompetent.

And you've had plenty of practice in problem solving.

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27 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He doesn’t want VIPKID to interfere with his leisure. That’s why I finally suggested Sat mornings if I do it at all. And he just shoo’d me off the computer while I was working on my resume. He said he wanted to hang out with his friends (they game & chat). I was like really? It’s more important for you to game than me to apply for this job. I see. He said use ds’ computer. I said he doesn’t have internet and doesn’t have my program with my resumé. (Right now ds just uses that machine for his typing program and I don’t know why internet won’t work. I asked Dh about it days ago). Then he said “we” should have been asleep. I said your wife should have been asleep at 9 pm? He said, “yeah, so I can have some peace and you’re usually in bed earlier or that’s the goal.” So you see I feel it will always be like dh’s games > wife. No room for true quality time. 

I feel confident if I didn’t have to worry about Dh I could pay down bills and grocery shop etc with confidence and get out of debt in a more timely manner. 

 

This is just so irresponsible. 

It's intolerable, really.

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Last night I read part of the self titled Boundaries book. I think it’s speaking to me more so than the marriage version. I read further into the marriage one and it didn’t tell me at all what I was trying to gain from it. 

Someone close to me said what about Marriage Encounter? I said well I don’t see how that would help. We already attended Retrouvaille. He thought the homework was stupid. That’s the main part of the program... to continue it nightly indefinitely. It’s questions and discussions to have with your spouse at the end of each day. 

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I’m trying to make part of the dinner for tomorrow. Ds left the okra out of the freezer anyway so I need to cook it off.

Dh was telling his buddies on chat that he has to carpool tomorrow or take his own car. I said, “wait, I need the car. I told you.” “I’m still using a work vehicle.” “Oh ok because the a/c is bad in mine.” “I thought you said you wouldn’t be going out a lot this month.” “I canceled ds’ English class but I told you I’m meeting my aunt & uncle that are coming to town.” “Ohh I thought you were meeting random friends.” Pause. Then victim tone. “Oh so I’m not invited.” “I literally asked you if you wanted them to join us at the pumpkin patch/petting zoo Friday so you’d see them or keep my lunch date with them. You said meet them Thursday.” “I don’t have Friday off.” “What?? The calendar says fall break.” “That’s for students.” “You don’t have it off, too???” “We have to work Friday but get Monday off.” “When were you going to tell me? I made birthday plans for the whole family. You knew. We can’t move it to Monday because the petting zoo isn’t open on Mondays.” “Probably tomorrow. I just found out today. Can we just do it after work Friday?” “I don’t know. I’ll have to double check the hours.” 

Before or after that Dh said, “oh I gotta do that form.” I asked if he meant the one for dd’s life insurance. He said, “no, for your dr.” I said, “oh don’t worry about that. It’s taken care of.” He freaked. “You had someone else fucking fill it out? You’re skewing your results?! Wow.” “No, I’m not.” Then he went on to suggest I was unbelievable for not letting him fill it out. I calmly said the dr didn’t say it had to be you and they answered it honestly. You think it’s weird I didn’t want to give it to you the way you yelled about doing it in the car? He stressed he is very honest and needs to mark some things strongly on it. 

Whatever. My mom marked some things strongly and I’m fine with her results. 

 

Edited by heartlikealion
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15 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m trying to make part of the dinner for tomorrow. Ds left the okra out of the freezer anyway so I need to cook it off.

Dh was telling his buddies on chat that he has to carpool tomorrow or take his own car. I said, “wait, I need the car. I told you.” “I’m still doing a work vehicle.” “Oh ok because the a/c is bad in mine.” “I thought you said you would t be going out a lot this month.” “I canceled ds’ English class but I told you I’m meeting my aunt & uncle that are coming to town.” “Ohh I thought you were meeting random friends.” Pause. Then victim tone. “Oh so I’m not invited.” “I literally asked you if you wanted them to join us at the pumpkin patch/petting zoo Friday so you’d see them or keep my lunch date with them. You said meet them Thursday.” “I don’t have Friday off.” “What?? The calendar says fall break.” “That’s for students.” “You don’t have it off, too???” “We have to work Friday but get Monday off.” “When were you going to tell me? I made birthday plans for the whole family. You knew. We can’t move it to Monday because the petting zoo isn’t open on Mondays.” “Probably tomorrow. I just found out today. Can we just do it after work Friday?” “I don’t know. I’ll have to double check the hours.” 

Before or after that Dh said, “oh I gotta do that form.” I asked if he meant the one for dd’s life insurance. He said, “no, for your dr.” I said, “oh don’t worry about that. It’s taken care of.” He freaked. “You had someone else fucking fill it out? You’re screwing your results?! Wow.” “No, I’m not.” Then he went on to suggest I was unbelievable for not letting him fill it out. I calmly said the dr didn’t say it had to be you and they answered it honestly. You think it’s weird I didn’t want to give it to you the way you yelled about doing it in the car? He stressed he is very honest and needs to mark somethings strongly on it. 

Whatever. My mom matched some things strongly and I’m fine with her results. 

 

 

You are using WAY too many words.

He wants to be a 1950's king of the castle, so if you want to stay in this marriage, you pretty much have to disassociate and treat him like one.

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1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

You are using WAY too many words.

He wants to be a 1950's king of the castle, so if you want to stay in this marriage, you pretty much have to disassociate and treat him like one.

☹️

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5 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

You are using WAY too many words.

He wants to be a 1950's king of the castle, so if you want to stay in this marriage, you pretty much have to disassociate and treat him like one.

Yes, but you are trying, it is hard at first.

And all the ugly things you want to say you can say in your head while smiling at him 🙂

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8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He doesn’t want VIPKID to interfere with his leisure. That’s why I finally suggested Sat mornings if I do it at all. And he just shoo’d me off the computer while I was working on my resume. He said he wanted to hang out with his friends (they game & chat). I was like really? It’s more important for you to game than me to apply for this job. I see. He said use ds’ computer. I said he doesn’t have internet and doesn’t have my program with my resumé. (Right now ds just uses that machine for his typing program and I don’t know why internet won’t work. I asked Dh about it days ago). Then he said “we” should have been asleep. I said your wife should have been asleep at 9 pm? He said, “yeah, so I can have some peace and you’re usually in bed earlier or that’s the goal.” So you see I feel it will always be like dh’s games > wife. No room for true quality time. 

I feel confident if I didn’t have to worry about Dh I could pay down bills and grocery shop etc with confidence and get out of debt in a more timely manner. 

 

What seems like getting in way of your being able to earn money yourself can be a form of “financial abuse” and control.  

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8 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

You've tried to get him help before. He doesn't want it. 

Put it this way, when you put on the ADHD talk, did he listen quietly and say later 'Hey heart, thanks for playing that talk today. It gave me lots to think about' and then later he talked to you about maybe following it up ? No. He complained about it. Has he ever had a moment of insight that punching holes in walls, and wasting food and medical money on trivia and telling you you have Munchausen's is wrong, and did he ever follow up on that of his own accord and make appropriate changes ? No.

You can't force anyone to get help they don't think they need.

Staying is always an option, though. You're not committed to anything by getting info. 

 

Just quoting to give emphasis!

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I pulled up Quicken the other day. He had made categories and we disagreed on them but at any rate some are there even if not accurate today. 

He has a monthly category for “television” with a budget of $115. We don’t have TV. We have internet & streaming services. Internet is a separate category. Then there’s a category called “entertainment: movies & dvds” set at $84. 

In our bank acct I searched for all transactions at the nearest movie theater. Granted I could have gone but these are largely his if not all his. He has spent $147 in 2019. That’s not counting another theater by our parents. Some of that is movies and some is surely concession stand. And anytime he goes to the theater he usually eats dinner out with his friend before the movie. 

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The restaurant that he was eating out frequently during lunch breaks? For 2019 he spent $252 there. Each transaction is over $10. What the heck is he ordering? I thought it was supposed to be more affordable. Now once or twice could be when our whole family went but I have only eaten there 1-2x in my life. He has not eaten there lately at least. 

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This has helped me use less words and it has been exponentially helpful in dealing with my abusive family members. The good stuff is 8 minutes in so stick with it.

 

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8 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

You are using WAY too many words.

He wants to be a 1950's king of the castle, so if you want to stay in this marriage, you pretty much have to disassociate and treat him like one.

 

one more time - I wish we could like your posts rosie.

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

The restaurant that he was eating out frequently during lunch breaks? For 2019 he spent $252 there. Each transaction is over $10. What the heck is he ordering? I thought it was supposed to be more affordable. Now once or twice could be when our whole family went but I have only eaten there 1-2x in my life. He has not eaten there lately at least. 


$10-ish isn't horrible, but it does add up.
My dh used to go get a "cheap cup of coffee" on his way to work, during his break, and in the afternoon sometimes.  The large cup of coffee was $1.20, but then he'd get a snack to go with.  2 times a day (conservatively), 5 days a week really added up!  It looked different in his mind because he only saw the price in bites, whereas I saw the weekly and monthly totals.

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10 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:


$10-ish isn't horrible, but it does add up.
My dh used to go get a "cheap cup of coffee" on his way to work, during his break, and in the afternoon sometimes.  The large cup of coffee was $1.20, but then he'd get a snack to go with.  2 times a day (conservatively), 5 days a week really added up!  It looked different in his mind because he only saw the price in bites, whereas I saw the weekly and monthly totals.

These are the actual totals. And he does buy coffee daily at the library. 

It matters when you aren’t even paying the principal on your cc debt some months (recently, not while he was eating there I think). He refused to do the Dave Ramsey method with me. We could have been shifting money into an emergency fund etc. 

I’ve been watching videos on narcissists. He may be one. This one felt like it hit home more. 

 

CA68F905-F448-40BB-AAFF-DD41EE83DDF4.jpeg

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I suspect he was footing the bill for a coworker some of those times. Problem is one coworker has a habit if not paying him back. Otherwise why is the total so high that many times for one person? Minus the 2x I may have been there. 

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13 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve been watching videos on narcissists. He may be one. This one felt like it hit home more. 

I've been on my healing journey from narcissistic abuse for about a year. I'm not a video person but in this area I can relate more and therefore learn more from the victims than the professionals and the victims are on YouTube. My favorite people are Meredith from the last video and these two:

 

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I just get voicemail when I call the attorney and she didn’t call me back yesterday. 

I looked into the other sliding scale or free options. I don’t qualify. It’s based on overall household income/percent below poverty line. 

I did watch one video suggesting a mediator instead of attorney? but I don’t feel like that’s going to work and don’t know how to even find a local one. Well this mediator used to be a lawyer or something. 

I’m really leaning toward meeting with the shark but I’d have to ask my family for money 😞 or I just need to be more patient with this DV coalition. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I just get voicemail when I call the attorney and she didn’t call me back yesterday. 

I looked into the other sliding scale or free options. I don’t qualify. It’s based on overall household income/percent below poverty line. 

I did watch one video suggesting a mediator instead of attorney? but I don’t feel like that’s going to work and don’t know how to even find a local one. Well this mediator used to be a lawyer or something. 

I’m really leaning toward meeting with the shark but I’d have to ask my family for money 😞 or I just need to be more patient with this DV coalition. 

I would give it a day or two.  Sometimes it is difficult to make connections at first and that could be with the shark also.

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While you decide what to do continue to use this time to research your abuse and healing because you will have an easier time making the best decisions, you will be less exhausted, and feel less heavy with the weight of the situation.

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

The restaurant that he was eating out frequently during lunch breaks? For 2019 he spent $252 there. Each transaction is over $10. What the heck is he ordering? I thought it was supposed to be more affordable. Now once or twice could be when our whole family went but I have only eaten there 1-2x in my life. He has not eaten there lately at least. 

Don't bring this up with anyone. Financial abuse won't be accepted if you start muddying the waters with $15 dollar transactions here and there. especially since to a judge or lawyer those sound like small amounts, you know? Don't even bother. Stay focused on the big stuff. If you bring up the small stuff it makes it easier to dismiss the big stuff. 

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would give it a day or two.  Sometimes it is difficult to make connections at first and that could be with the shark also.

Right. Remember, they are helping people who are running for their lives, have kids being beaten to the point of broken bones, emergency restraining orders, etc - so kind of like the ER you may have to wait in triage for a bit. A call back within a week would be reasonable, not the same day especially if she was in court. When and if she is in court on your case you don't want her taking phone calls for someone else that aren't an emergency, you know? But I get it - especially if you are ADHD at all patience is HARD. 

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

Now, I know I know!  Don’t think I think the above is normal in your situation.  I’m well aware that it’s often body language and tone of voice that turn a normal interaction into something just awful.  But if someone isn’t there to observe the body language and tone, then the above things sound pretty normal.  All of those things are actions or conversations I’ve had with my dh, but our tones and body language have been friendly, so they were ok.  Add a nasty tone and eye rolls, etc, and it’s completely different.

The things you want to bring up are the smashing through doors, the threatening to pull the curtains down, the threatening to leave you on the side of the road, the huge purchases without your approval (not $11 here and there for a cheap meal), the spanking of the kids, and most certainly the names he calls you.  

Plus that you can't access the pay stubs, etc etc. 

And the computer, do document it, but say that he made you stop working on your resume and applying for jobs so he could game with his friends. Don't go into the details. 

And regarding jobs - remember MOST people these days need to apply to many many many jobs to get one. Like, dozens or even hundreds. The more you apply for the better your chances. In that regard, I'd definitely ask the shelter about job issues, about housing, childcare, etc. You may be able to get answers to those  logistical kinds of things before speaking with the lawyer. 

Also, if the secretary isn't super friendly, remember how you felt after your shift with the immigrants? Exhausted, disenchanted, kind of frustrated with humanity? That's probably how she feels on a regular basis - not everyone she deals with is going to be a sympathetic victim, you know? Some are probably addicts, some are on their fourth abusive boyfriend and have bounced around, etc. It's got to be really emotionally draining so she may hold back just to keep herself together. Don't take it personally, or think it means they are not good at what they do. They may just be less than willing to put themselves out there emotionally until they get to know you. It has to be a tremendously hard job. 

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The reason I was so persistent about talking to the lawyer was because the last thing I was told was to get out ASAP. I kind of need to know if they actually want me packing up my stuff. I think the secretary was jumping the gun, though. 

The food is more complex than, “look, he eats out sometimes” to me. It’s “look he budgets for himself and I mainly get the leftovers.” He put $12 in “kids activities” and $7 in “home improvement” and $166 in “restaurants” and $59 in “fast food.” Who do you think is consuming most of the eating out budget? 

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In regards to the way he handles money. A judge won't want to know about all the little spending. What a judge wants to hear about is that he controls the money in an unhealthy way and refuses to allow you control over it. But when you go to make the situation better for yourself by seeking employment so you have some control over finances he prevents you for making progress in that department by refusing you access to the family computer so you can work on your resume and apply for jobs.

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 I really like Dr. Les Carter's channel on narcissists (he also goes into the different types of narcissists. and how to deal with them.

I thought you might find this one useful.  "how to deal with a controlling narcissist.

 

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Here is the thing Heart.  I get going through a lot of these stories to help you really see how abnormal most are and abusive some are.  But as far as getting a divorce if that is what you want....most of it will not matter one bit.  That is just the reality. The judge doesn't want to hear it.  Unless someone has broken bones or is bleeding form DV they just want to shove you through the process.  So my suggestion is to speak to the attorney BRIEFLY about why you are THINKING of leaving (He is mean to you, keeps you trapped in a situation where you have no money and no way to make real money, he spends the family  money how HE wants and you don't even have enough to run the household on or repair your car)--just the high lights...and THEN tell her you are there so you can get an idea of how it will go in divorce court in your county and state.  Then after you have armed yourself with information you can sit and think about what your  next move should be.

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