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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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Just now, Ktgrok said:

Extravagant spending while receiving public assistance, unable to purchase groceries to feed kids due to DH's reckless spending, etc is how I'd word it. 

 

I know that was an extreme month and he probably dipped in the student loan money but still. He said the KA was a big sale (90th anniversary) and passed it off as my mother’s day gift. I was mad. He then bought the other as his mom’s mother day gift. At the time I hardly baked or cooked but I did a little. I think I still had a Sunbeam mixer from my mil. It died but I think that happened later. I can’t remember. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m getting legal help for free. The lawyer I will be assigned works with DV cases.  

I did an intake form with the DV place over the phone and they said yes I fit the criteria. 

My last post was but clear I realize. I was complaining about chunks of money coming out at once. 

May 2010 

$332 on 90th edition Kitchen Aid mixer 

$179 on 4.5 qt KA mixer 

$500 on mixers while I’m getting milk from WIC?  

 

You can still hire the shark later when you’re ready as long as dh doesn’t, but this sounds like a good start. 

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6 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Extravagant spending while receiving public assistance, unable to purchase groceries to feed kids due to DH's reckless spending, etc is how I'd word it. And also be clear that he has refused to let you handle the taxes, you don't have access to his pay stubs, won't put your name on the credit card account (means he can cut you off at any time), etc. 

 

 

Well put.

 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

I know that was an extreme month and he probably dipped in the student loan money but still. He said the KA was a big sale (90th anniversary) and passed it off as my mother’s day gift. I was mad. He then bought the other as his mom’s mother day gift. At the time I hardly baked or cooked but I did a little. I think I still had a Sunbeam mixer from my mil. It died but I think that happened later. I can’t remember. 

 

It sounds like a buying / spending on non necessities addiction of some sort.

(I have managed Most of my life with hand mixing  with a wooden spoon or hand turned egg beater.  Recently I got an immersion blender but still mostly use spoon.  )

 

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Just for kicks: 

Jan. 2010 

$85 dual-arm articulating wall mount 

$550 400-disc blu ray/dvd player

$55 160GB hard drive (internal) 

$1397 52” LCD TV 

$36 Tv shelf (for the PC to sit beside it so he had internet connected to the tv. This was before WiFi) 

$130 512MB graphics card 

Hmm Dh is a movie buff, pc gamer. I think it’s mostly obvious who bought that. And I sure as heck didn’t mount it to the wall. 

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1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

Looks like what I read last night lol 

I still need to catch up on a couple other links. I watched half the Tedtalk video on diet and mental health. I need to dig through the pages again to find the links I missed. 

Dh never said, “no, you can’t be on the cc.” I just called to ask a question once and realized I was simply an authorized user. I felt no reason to ask to be more as I don’t want to be linked with that debt for no reason. Yes a lot of that was mutual spending... we used to exclusively shop with the cc then pay off the balance. Got cash back. But it really went out of whack the year ds tried private school. And this past year Dh bought the furniture set. I tried to get him to skip elements but he purchased it all. It’s interest-free but now I’m thinking isn’t it adding to our current interest assuming he put it on our cc? I don’t think he applied for a store cc. I don’t think they even offer those.

The last 4 cc payments didn’t even make a dent in our debt. 

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Do you have any credit cards in your name? If you don't you may want to apply for a credit card that is just in your name. You can use household income on the application so it doesn't matter if you don't have your own income. You don't have to use the card but it would be a good thing to have in case of an emergency. And if you do get a divorce it will be good to have credit in your own name.

 

Susan in TX

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2 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

Do you have any credit cards in your name? If you don't you may want to apply for a credit card that is just in your name. You can use household income on the application so it doesn't matter if you don't have your own income. You don't have to use the card but it would be a good thing to have in case of an emergency. And if you do get a divorce it will be good to have credit in your own name.

 

Susan in TX

I was thinking about it. I will investigate 

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18 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was thinking about it. I will investigate 

Besides our joint cc, I also have one with a small (intentionally so) limit of $1000. It accumulates points at the grocery and gas that we use. Our budgeted food/gas money is an automatic payment, so it never carries a balance, which is great for building good credit. And I get more points for using it at the store, which I use for dog food, lol, but you could use to buy gift cards, etc. And since they are always preapproving me for an increased limit, it would be easy to access if needed. Also, if the food budget went directly on there, and you were consistently under budget, it would build a nice cushion.

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30 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Looks like what I read last night lol 

I still need to catch up on a couple other links. I watched half the Tedtalk video on diet and mental health. I need to dig through the pages again to find the links I missed. 

Dh never said, “no, you can’t be on the cc.” I just called to ask a question once and realized I was simply an authorized user. I felt no reason to ask to be more as I don’t want to be linked with that debt for no reason. Yes a lot of that was mutual spending... we used to exclusively shop with the cc then pay off the balance. Got cash back. But it really went out of whack the year ds tried private school. And this past year Dh bought the furniture set. I tried to get him to skip elements but he purchased it all. It’s interest-free but now I’m thinking isn’t it adding to our current interest assuming he put it on our cc? I don’t think he applied for a store cc. I don’t think they even offer those.

The last 4 cc payments didn’t even make a dent in our debt. 

If your state is like mine it won't matter if your actually on the card - all debt incurred during the marriage is marital debt and split 50/50. 

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39 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

If your state is like mine it won't matter if your actually on the card - all debt incurred during the marriage is marital debt and split 50/50. 

Yes, I know that as of this weekend but Scarlett shared a different story — probably based on her state. 

I don’t want to randomly request to change my status on the cc. It doesn’t seem worth bringing up. 

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I mentioned it because from what I remember you did ask to be on it at one point, but he didn't do it. So you could document that as him controlling finances again. 

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15 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes, I know that as of this weekend but Scarlett shared a different story — probably based on her state. 

I don’t want to randomly request to change my status on the cc. It doesn’t seem worth bringing up. 

I think it depends on the judge quite frankly.  

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4 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

Yes, this is my advice to them. Keep some skin in the game. 

Seriously, I think a marriage is generally going to be much healthier if there’s a mutual  commitment of “want to” than one of the spouses feeling “have to.”  I do not take divorce lightly - I highly respect the commitment (as an adjunct to love) aspect of the marital relationship. But I believe other (not abuse related) martial challenges could be better weathered if the economic playing field were reasonably level, making it less of an issue, so no one feels trapped. 

Just general musing specific to OP- 

I think it depends on the marriage. I think you can have two people working and still have some fantastic battles over money. I think you can have one home and one working and have a well balanced, marriage. Idk. I've been on both ends. I've been the "high powered, high income" spouse in a terrible marriage and then I've been the lower earning and then later non-earning spouse in a great marriage. I really think finances are just a landmine because so much is about control and vulnerability and it tentacles out into so many things.  It's an interesting point though. Like, I would hate to make my dds expect what I have with dh as a given, and say "oh yes, you can stay home and intertwine things and it will all be well," because every marriage is so unique, you know? But then I worked and was super independent financially, and I think that's it's own landmine in the wrong relationship. But it does at least produce options.

But I've seen working women get thrown every bit as much as non-working when it comes to divorce and bad relationships. They worked and had an income, but they lived the two incomes and had an even bigger debt trap then because of that and received no maintenance. Texas doesn't formally have alimony, but if you've been home and not working long enough, you can get maintenance for sometimes a quite extended period of time. Especially if you have a higher earning spouse. Meanwhile if you've been working, two income family and as the woman are only making $45k a year, and your spouse is making $245k a year, you get nada on that maintenance end. And probably half the debt, and end up worse off in some ways. So its so dependent on the situation it's hard to generalize....

I'm glad you are talking to lawyers Heart. Hopefully you can at least get a few minutes on the phone or email with several and see if scenarios line up. If they are all generally telling you similar that is good. 

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It’s probably largely up to judge.  If dh will be keeping the extravagant stuff he bought it may be that the debt for that part at least would go to him.  

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31 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

Just general musing specific to OP- 

I think it depends on the marriage. I think you can have two people working and still have some fantastic battles over money. I think you can have one home and one working and have a well balanced, marriage. Idk. I've been on both ends. I've been the "high powered, high income" spouse in a terrible marriage and then I've been the lower earning and then later non-earning spouse in a great marriage. I really think finances are just a landmine because so much is about control and vulnerability and it tentacles out into so many things.  It's an interesting point though. Like, I would hate to make my dds expect what I have with dh as a given, and say "oh yes, you can stay home and intertwine things and it will all be well," because every marriage is so unique, you know? But then I worked and was super independent financially, and I think that's it's own landmine in the wrong relationship. But it does at least produce options.

But I've seen working women get thrown every bit as much as non-working when it comes to divorce and bad relationships. They worked and had an income, but they lived the two incomes and had an even bigger debt trap then because of that and received no maintenance. Texas doesn't formally have alimony, but if you've been home and not working long enough, you can get maintenance for sometimes a quite extended period of time. Especially if you have a higher earning spouse. Meanwhile if you've been working, two income family and as the woman are only making $45k a year, and your spouse is making $245k a year, you get nada on that maintenance end. And probably half the debt, and end up worse off in some ways. So its so dependent on the situation it's hard to generalize....

I'm glad you are talking to lawyers Heart. Hopefully you can at least get a few minutes on the phone or email with several and see if scenarios line up. If they are all generally telling you similar that is good. 

 

I think you can have one spouse home and one working and have a good marriage, but the non working spouse is vulnerable not only in case of divorce, but also should their spouse become disabled or die or face a long period of unemployment. There is no way I could re-enter the work force at this point and make anything close to what my husband earns after investing in his career throughout our marriage, and yet I have faced the specter of needing to support the family because his disabilities may eventually leave him unemployed.

That's what I mean by vulnerable. I know some of this can be mitigated through life insurance and even disability insurance but not everyone is insurable. And a person can never be certain going into a marriage that their spouse won't at some point turn abusive or run off with someone else or...I've seen plenty of seemingly sane, reasonable people kind of go wonky at some point in their life. Being completely dependent on another person means being vulnerable. It isn't a problem as long as the other person remains dependable, there just is not guarantee of that.

Divorce proceedings that leave a lower earning spouse with half the debt and no support are profoundly unfair, I agree, but maintaining some degree of self sufficiency throughout a marriage still seems preferable in most cases.

Edited by maize
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1 hour ago, Susan in TX said:

Do you have any credit cards in your name? If you don't you may want to apply for a credit card that is just in your name. You can use household income on the application so it doesn't matter if you don't have your own income. You don't have to use the card but it would be a good thing to have in case of an emergency. And if you do get a divorce it will be good to have credit in your own name.

 

Susan in TX

Yes, I think having a card in your name for emergency use is a good idea.

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24 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I mentioned it because from what I remember you did ask to be on it at one point, but he didn't do it. So you could document that as him controlling finances again. 

I don’t recall this. 

Another issue for me is how intertwined we are with his family. Early in our marriage I finally talked Dh into stopping the shared cell phone family plan with his parents and sister’s family. 

Currently we have Amazon prime but his parents have paid at least 2 years because they offered and use our streaming service. I know. It is a mess. Dh has also enabled others to view our Netflix before. I was horrified once when I saw our Netflix acct on a campus TV. He has horrible work/personal boundaries. 

I didn’t want mil seeing all my purchases or phone history if she got curious. I use a separate amazon for certain stuff but with the free shipping linked. 

I have some Sam’s receipts we will never be reimbursed for in cash. Instead he just let us eat food from the library sometimes without charging us. Again, I had an issue with this. I want my money not extra muffins. He said the service account is not capable of paying us back? I don’t know. 

I used to use a private tax service. Dh said it was too expensive and now his dad does our taxes with him using TurboTax. His parents are too involved in our finances. His mom tried to get Dh to list his sister instead of me (!) as a beneficiary once. Said his sister was good with finances because of her job. Fishy. She takes out loans for Christmas shopping some years. And more importantly she’s not his wife and I’m not close to her. 

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Make sure your legal aid lawyer is a good one, and don't accept poor service just because you aren't paying.

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4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I am leaning on focusing on financial abuse. That is documented in a sense. 

In 2010 I had a steady FT job with benefits. Dh was working PT and we shared childcare of ds (no daycare/sitter). He was not in a library field. 

That was the year I lost my s#it over his spending. He’d say we had no money for a sitter or w/e but then used student loan money and I dunno what else to buy expensive stuff... and we were possibly receiving WIC at the time. 

I just added up the most expensive items from those spending sprees. I got approx $3100. The tv was $1397. He bought two graphics cards that year and I was the one doing graphic design!! I did it all at the office. He used his for recreational PC gaming. 

what you are describing sounds like my mil. (she was definitely a compulsive spender - spending was like a drug to her.)  It's very much about control, and other things you've described about him sound very controlling.  so this falls under "More of the same control freak behavior."

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30 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t recall this. 

Another issue for me is how intertwined we are with his family. Early in our marriage I finally talked Dh into stopping the shared cell phone family plan with his parents and sister’s family. 

Currently we have Amazon prime but his parents have paid at least 2 years because they offered and use our streaming service. I know. It is a mess. Dh has also enabled others to view our Netflix before. I was horrified once when I saw our Netflix acct on a campus TV. He has horrible work/personal boundaries. 

I didn’t want mil seeing all my purchases or phone history if she got curious. I use a separate amazon for certain stuff but with the free shipping linked. 

I have some Sam’s receipts we will never be reimbursed for in cash. Instead he just let us eat food from the library sometimes without charging us. Again, I had an issue with this. I want my money not extra muffins. He said the service account is not capable of paying us back? I don’t know. 

I used to use a private tax service. Dh said it was too expensive and now his dad does our taxes with him using TurboTax. His parents are too involved in our finances. His mom tried to get Dh to list his sister instead of me (!) as a beneficiary once. Said his sister was good with finances because of her job. Fishy. She takes out loans for Christmas shopping some years. And more importantly she’s not his wife and I’m not close to her. 

can you see what his parents buy?  or what credit cards they use?  I'm primary, but I can't see what dh buys.

 considering the relationships - I would be uncomfortable with his father doing the taxes (even if he were a cpa).   the IRS will train people to do taxes for free, for those who need help.  here - it's generally at the library.  but you should be able to find one in your area - as this is sponsored by the IRS.  (you could also consider it for yourself.  they want a minimum number of volunteer hours the first year, but after that - you could work for a cpa firm during tax season to earn extra money.)

document document document. 

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12 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

can you see what his parents buy?  or what credit cards they use?  I'm primary, but I can't see what dh buys.

 considering the relationships - I would be uncomfortable with his father doing the taxes (even if he were a cpa).   the IRS will train people to do taxes for free, for those who need help.  here - it's generally at the library.  but you should be able to find one in your area - as this is sponsored by the IRS.  (you could also consider it for yourself.  they want a minimum number of volunteer hours the first year, but after that - you could work for a cpa firm during tax season to earn extra money.)

document document document. 

It’s our Amazon. They put the Amazon prime money ($100?) into our bank account then Dh renewed it with that. Their reasoning was Dh, the movie buff, has such a large digital library they want to be able to access it. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t recall this. 

Another issue for me is how intertwined we are with his family. Early in our marriage I finally talked Dh into stopping the shared cell phone family plan with his parents and sister’s family. 

Currently we have Amazon prime but his parents have paid at least 2 years because they offered and use our streaming service. I know. It is a mess. Dh has also enabled others to view our Netflix before. I was horrified once when I saw our Netflix acct on a campus TV. He has horrible work/personal boundaries. 

I didn’t want mil seeing all my purchases or phone history if she got curious. I use a separate amazon for certain stuff but with the free shipping linked. 

I have some Sam’s receipts we will never be reimbursed for in cash. Instead he just let us eat food from the library sometimes without charging us. Again, I had an issue with this. I want my money not extra muffins. He said the service account is not capable of paying us back? I don’t know. 

I used to use a private tax service. Dh said it was too expensive and now his dad does our taxes with him using TurboTax. His parents are too involved in our finances. His mom tried to get Dh to list his sister instead of me (!) as a beneficiary once. Said his sister was good with finances because of her job. Fishy. She takes out loans for Christmas shopping some years. And more importantly she’s not his wife and I’m not close to her. 

 

All this intermingling of financial info and personal business is a territory I’d never agree to be in; it’s like you’re in a teen marriage. And for the beneficiary business, that’s a big h*** no! 

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Just now, Seasider too said:

 

All this intermingling of financial info and personal business is a territory I’d never agree to be in; it’s like you’re in a teen marriage. And for the beneficiary business, that’s a big h*** no! 

Right!? I’ve always balked at it. I’ve shared my view; he just doesn’t care. 

He did at least tell his mother “no” about the beneficiary suggestion! 

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I missed the attorney’s phone call because I was out with the kids and didn’t want to answer in front of them. Dd’s new lenses came in and we got them cut. 

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With healthy family Dynamics and agreement from both spouses sharing Amazon, Netflix, phone accounts etc is no big deal. We do the streaming services with mil, my parents, and one of my siblings. It saves everyone money and everyone uses their own profiles.

But with your family's dynamic I'd never be ok with all that. Especially if my mil was doing stupid shit like advising my dh to list a sibling as beneficiary.

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Just now, hjffkj said:

With healthy family Dynamics and agreement from both spouses sharing Amazon, Netflix, phone accounts etc is no big deal. We do the streaming services with mil, my parents, and one of my siblings. It saves everyone money and everyone uses their own profiles.

But with your family's dynamic I'd never be ok with all that. Especially if my mil was doing stupid shit like advising my dh to list a sibling as beneficiary.

I’ve watched a few things on their HBO and USA but I felt slightly icky about it. It’s one of those “everybody does it” things but ethically/legally not right with most of the services. I’m allowed to have my amazon shipping benefits from linking to our joint Amazon but that’s where I think Amazon cuts the sharing. I think HBO is “meh” about it. They don’t really go after people and enforce it from what I’ve read. 

Sil is a snake in the grass. One time my parents had some folding camp chairs at their home and weren’t sure who they belonged to. Mil said they weren’t hers. Mil asked sil and sil said yes they must be mine (because, free chairs!). My dad later found out they belonged to my moms former caregiver. We informed sil before she physically got them. 

You know the saying... if you’re hot trustworthy with small things you’re not trustworthy with big things. I don’t trust his family. 

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The suggestion to list SiL as beneficiary was crazy, I'm glad your dh refused it.

My parents and brother and I all share a phone plan, that kind of thing works fine in many families. I can see how it could be problematic though if people have boundary crossing issues.

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20 minutes ago, maize said:

The suggestion to list SiL as beneficiary was crazy, I'm glad your dh refused it.

My parents and brother and I all share a phone plan, that kind of thing works fine in many families. I can see how it could be problematic though if people have boundary crossing issues.

Yeah I can see it being ok for certain groups of people. Just weird for me when mil got the phone bills and I guess Dh gave her our share of the money? I felt like a teenager, exactly as described above. 

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1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

With healthy family Dynamics and agreement from both spouses sharing Amazon, Netflix, phone accounts etc is no big deal. We do the streaming services with mil, my parents, and one of my siblings. It saves everyone money and everyone uses their own profiles.

But with your family's dynamic I'd never be ok with all that. Especially if my mil was doing stupid shit like advising my dh to list a sibling as beneficiary.

This.

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4 hours ago, maize said:

The suggestion to list SiL as beneficiary was crazy, I'm glad your dh refused it.

 

This is a clear sign to me that while your dh might be too lazy to fight against you for things like custody...his family can’t stand you and is clearly upset that you’re married to him and want to pretend you don’t exist and are ok with leaving you high and dry if your husband dies.  

In other words, *they* will possibly do a lot of the leg work for him to fight you.  Even if they don’t do the legwork, they will certainly rile him up by saying all sorts of horrible things about you so that even if he was going to be reasonable, he won’t be. 

So be prepared.

Edited by Garga
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1 minute ago, Garga said:

This is a clear sign to me that while your dh might be too lazy to fight against you for things like custody...his family can’t stand you and is clearly upset that you’re married to him and want to pretend you don’t exist and are ok with leaving you high and dry if your husband dies.  

In other words, *they* will probably do a lot of the leg work for him to fight you.  So be prepared.

I agree. And I don’t want my inlaws raising my kids. Visits are ok. But I don’t want the kids there like daily or w/e. My niece & nephew live a few blocks away and are there all the time. Up until recently mil picked kids up after school but nephew goes to a different school than his sister now. 

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The biggest thing that people have trouble with in co-parenting is that you really do get very little input over what the other parent does in their parenting time unless you have a lot of evidence that the children are at risk with the other parent.  My lazy exBIL can leave the kids home alone, use a babysitter whose child has a history of bullying them, leave the kids with his insanely stupid new boyfriend etc and my brother can do exactly zilch about it.  This is one reason why some spouses decide to stay until the kids are older.  It takes a lot to get parenting rights restricted.  I know one family where the court found allegations that dad was sexually absuing the kids to be credible and the he still gets an unsupervised visit 2x a month in a public place.  I know of another case where the abusive father who had sexually abused his daughter found a way to torment her DURING his supervised by a social worker visits.  I don't say this to be a downer or discourage you from leaving if that is your decision.  Just to caution you agianst thinking that you will be able to control how much they visit other people or really where they are duing his parenting time.  If you want to curtail his decision making rights or parenting time, you will need a lot of documentation as to why and the documentation you have may not be enough.  Even after admitting to a court appointed social worker that he'd broken down my niece's door, the social worker still didn't find enough reason to limit my exBILs parenting rights.  

The family court system does not treat children fairly in this country.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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Yeah it’s upsetting thinking of the what if’s. But I also don’t think he will change as no one on his side of the family will encourage him to get help. They will think there’s nothing wrong. His spending hasn’t affected bills, etc. 

I don’t know if he’d actually move close to his parents. He’s never been able to find good work there. 

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15 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah it’s upsetting thinking of the what if’s. But I also don’t think he will change as no one on his side of the family will encourage him to get help. They will think there’s nothing wrong. His spending hasn’t affected bills, etc. 

I don’t know if he’d actually move close to his parents. He’s never been able to find good work there. 

One thing: it is unlikely he'd be able to do is move the kids away from where they are living when you file without your consent or the court's approval.  He would be allowed to move but not take the kids with him.  While it is hard to prove that his parenting time should be limited or restricted in some ways, it is similarly hard for him to prove that yours should be.  My brother's ex husband alleged all sorts of things about him.  The court was having none of it.   

Edited by LucyStoner
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Ugh, your brother went through so much. 

Right now I feel like the best could possibly be me living in the city. That’s still close to Dh and a little closer to the gulf coast. But I don’t even know if I could afford an apt. Would depend on what kind of job I found. 

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28 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

One thing: it is unlikely he'd be able to do is move the kids away from where they are living when you file without your consent or the court's approval.  He would be allowed to move but not take the kids with him.  While it is hard to prove that his parenting time should be limited or restricted in some ways, it is similarly hard for him to prove that yours should be.  My brother's ex husband alleged all sorts of things about him.  The court was having none of it.   

aaannnddd . . . different states.  I assume your brother is here too.  (you and I are in the same area.)

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ugh, your brother went through so much. 

Right now I feel like the best could possibly be me living in the city. That’s still close to Dh and a little closer to the gulf coast. But I don’t even know if I could afford an apt. Would depend on what kind of job I found. 

 

He really did.  But at the end of the day, his life is better for it leaving and the kids are better off.  I can see why he didn't leave when they were little though (they are 12 and almost 11).  Honestly, while I've never been especially fond of my exBIL (my first reaction to him was "why is this grownass man interested in dating my baby brother and whyyyyy are they moving so fast?!") there were nothing more than random warning flags before about 3 years before he left his marriage. When the red flags started popping up more and more I had many conversations that boiled down to "That's not normal or heathly.  You don't deserve that.  We are here for you when you are ready to talk".  Mostly stuff about controlling finances and telling my brother what he could and couldn't do for work and volunteering. 

If he's ok with you moving the kids to the city for a bit, the distance could do you all good but definitely ask the attorney about it.

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2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

aaannnddd . . . different states.  I assume your brother is here too.  (you and I are in the same area.)

 

Oh most definitely.  Which is why lawyers in her state are so important. That said, there are some pretty consistent things emerging in family law and 50-50 custody with basically no say over the other parent's parenting choices during their parenting time is something that seems to be more and more standard, as is a high bar for limiting either parent's rights without a lot of evidence in either direction.  A lot of parents say they don't want the child staying with a relative or meeting new intimate partners etc but it's not realistic.  You have to come to terms with a certain loss of control over that time when the kids aren't with you before you take the step to put the kids in a situation where they aren't with you.  I think that is sound advice across the board.  It's a nervewracking process.  

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4 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

If you want to curtail his decision making rights or parenting time, you will need a lot of documentation as to why and the documentation you have may not be enough. 

 

And it can backfire, getting you labelled as the hostile parent.

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I think I could handle backing off on some things. I know it’s not realistic to control all that. He probably would step up more without me around. But if they want to eat take out or go to the movies, that’ll be on him and his cash flow. Right now it stresses me out. 

I made a couple folders to grow when we met with the financial advisor. “Emergency fund & annual expenses (car tag, etc).” He never grew the folders and complained I made them. They each have $5 which I assumed was the lowest you could keep them. But I’m not sure. I see ds’ folder has less than $2! Like come on. That folder will probably never be replenished with the money Dh “borrowed” from it. 

Ok hear me out. This may be bad advice for Dh but for someone else, wouldn’t it have made more sense to get a second credit card? To put his school charge of that furniture on it? If the new cc had the same or lower interest rate. Because right now he’s adding cc debt to something that is already really high. When he made the last few min payments it didn’t even touch the principle. 

I look forward to getting info from the attorney.  

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Oh yeah I asked (in a casual, non-heated manner) about handling a few things we failed to do. I mentioned putting the car title in my name on the vehicle I primarily drive. He got weird at first. “Why would we need to do that?” I said, “it was your idea. Remember you said you wanted it on my name in case something happened to you?” Then he said, “oh yeah. But I don’t think it matters. If I die I think it goes to you automatically. I’ll talk to my dad.” I thought, “ugh! No! Don’t talk to your dad. Just sign it over.” 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I think I could handle backing off on some things. I know it’s not realistic to control all that. He probably would step up more without me around. But if they want to eat take out or go to the movies, that’ll be on him and his cash flow. Right now it stresses me out. 

I made a couple folders to grow when we met with the financial advisor. “Emergency fund & annual expenses (car tag, etc).” He never grew the folders and complained I made them. They each have $5 which I assumed was the lowest you could keep them. But I’m not sure. I see ds’ folder has less than $2! Like come on. That folder will probably never be replenished with the money Dh “borrowed” from it. 

Ok hear me out. This may be bad advice for Dh but for someone else, wouldn’t it have made more sense to get a second credit card? To put his school charge of that furniture on it? If the new cc had the same or lower interest rate. Because right now he’s adding cc debt to something that is already really high. When he made the last few min payments it didn’t even touch the principle. 

I look forward to getting info from the attorney.  

 

It would have made sense for him NOT to go into more debt that he will struggle to pay off. 

Ugh, I hate financial irresponsibility so much. So frustrating for you.

 

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16 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

It would have made sense for him NOT to go into more debt that he will struggle to pay off. 

Ugh, I hate financial irresponsibility so much. So frustrating for you.

 

Lol but o mean if you’re going to do it, anyway. I sometimes wonder if we’re paying more long term by having it all on one cc. 23% interest give or take. 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Lol but o mean if you’re going to do it, anyway. I sometimes wonder if we’re paying more long term by having it all on one cc. 23% interest give or take. 

 

I'm allergic to credit cards - don't have one, so not good at this kind of situation - I do think 23% interest is insane, though.

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6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Lol but o mean if you’re going to do it, anyway. I sometimes wonder if we’re paying more long term by having it all on one cc. 23% interest give or take. 


Here's a good set of credit card calculators.  You can see how much interest you're paying over time. https://www.bankrate.com/calculators/index-of-credit-card-calculators.aspx

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I think I could handle backing off on some things. I know it’s not realistic to control all that. He probably would step up more without me around. But if they want to eat take out or go to the movies, that’ll be on him and his cash flow. Right now it stresses me out. 

I made a couple folders to grow when we met with the financial advisor. “Emergency fund & annual expenses (car tag, etc).” He never grew the folders and complained I made them. They each have $5 which I assumed was the lowest you could keep them. But I’m not sure. I see ds’ folder has less than $2! Like come on. That folder will probably never be replenished with the money Dh “borrowed” from it. 

Ok hear me out. This may be bad advice for Dh but for someone else, wouldn’t it have made more sense to get a second credit card? To put his school charge of that furniture on it? If the new cc had the same or lower interest rate. Because right now he’s adding cc debt to something that is already really high. When he made the last few min payments it didn’t even touch the principle. 

I look forward to getting info from the attorney.  

Wait.  The furniture he bought on a cc is for his school? 

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