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You’re going to want to ask the lawyer about being able to move. You and he both may need the court’s permission to move more than a certain distance if sharing custody. Here, and I know with friends in other states, you often can’t pick up and move without court permission. Don’t know anyone in GA though. 

I am skeptical you will get any say so over him and who he lets the children see. Again, question for a lawyer. The big thing to remember is, every time you have to take him back to court- even if you miraculously do get some of those provisions put into the decree- is that you have to pay your attorney to head back to court over it. You don’t just call a number at the court, and say “he did this! He’s not supposed to!” And they say “oh, why then let us help!” You have to pony up the funds to your attorney. And then wait months for a hearing- if you are even granted one.

It’s not really going to matter if your kids have asthma or not and you have a doctors note. That is more likely to be the way it works in this cycle where you’re going to have to decide- do I pay my rent or do I call my lawyer. At least initially. This isn’t restraining order where you call the Sheriff and they deal with it and arrest him. So at one point you will have to decide how often you want to go to court. Or can afford to go to court. And whether he’s going to point the finger right back and turn around on you and then you’re back to paying your lawyer to defend what he’s accusing you of during visitation. And then you get a frustrated judge who is pissed at you both. Like with your dh now, it’s going to be a matter of picking battles, treading carefully, and managing. Again, I bring it up to forearm you. You are married to a guy with some money issues, but I would hardly term him a deadbeat from what you describe. Deadbeats don’t fight. Guys with jobs and control issues do though, so watch who you take solace from with stories. Their husbands and your husband may have entirely different motivations. 

There is good, bad and ugly here. Just don’t let people over simplify it. It’s not simple and there are only so many things you can bring up as well before the court may see you as the difficult one. It’s going to probably come down to the judge. But also, how taxed your local court system is.  Hope for the best. But prepare for the worst. You are the underdog here and we are rooting for you. But you can not over-prepare really. 

Edited by Æthelthryth the Texan
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52 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

A doctor's note explaining the asthma and that he cannot be around smokers or in a smoker's house should work. 

 

It might help if the grandparents ask for their own visitation rights.  Or not.  All grandparents can probably ask for visitation. 

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1 hour ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

You’re going to want to ask the lawyer about being able to move. You and he both may need the court’s permission to move more than a certain distance if sharing custody. Here, and I know with friends in other states, you often can’t pick up and move without court permission. Don’t know anyone in GA though. 

I am skeptical you will get any say so over him and who he lets the children see. Again, question for a lawyer. The big thing to remember is, every time you have to take him back to court- even if you miraculously do get some of those provisions put into the decree- is that you have to pay your attorney to head back to court over it. You don’t just call a number at the court, and say “he did this! He’s not supposed to!” And they say “oh, why then let us help!” You have to pony up the funds to your attorney. And then wait months for a hearing- if you are even granted one.

It’s not really going to matter if your kids have asthma or not and you have a doctors note. That is more likely to be the way it works in this cycle where you’re going to have to decide- do I pay my rent or do I call my lawyer. At least initially. This isn’t restraining order where you call the Sheriff and they deal with it and arrest him. So at one point you will have to decide how often you want to go to court. Or can afford to go to court. And whether he’s going to point the finger right back and turn around on you and then you’re back to paying your lawyer to defend what he’s accusing you of during visitation. And then you get a frustrated judge who is pissed at you both. Like with your dh now, it’s going to be a matter of picking battles, treading carefully, and managing. Again, I bring it up to forearm you. You are married to a guy with some money issues, but I would hardly term him a deadbeat from what you describe. Deadbeats don’t fight. Guys with jobs and control issues do though, so watch who you take solace from with stories. Their husbands and your husband may have entirely different motivations. 

There is good, bad and ugly here. Just don’t let people over simplify it. It’s not simple and there are only so many things you can bring up as well before the court may see you as the difficult one. It’s going to probably come down to the judge. But also, how taxed your local court system is.  Hope for the best. But prepare for the worst. You are the underdog here and we are rooting for you. But you can not over-prepare really. 

To the bolded true.  And everything you and Rosie are saying about the court system is true,  which is why with guys like this it is best to use a strategy in which he believes he is winning.  By some miracle I was able to get xh to agree to my desired visitation schedule. If he had not agreed and if he had fought me on it....the judge would have ordered standard.  I said things to him like, ‘I know you love our son and you want what is best for him.  And what is best for him is to keep his schedule the same as much as possible. ‘.  And to get him to sign off on no overnight female guests I reminded him he would not want me to do that so it was best to have the clause in the decree. I never gloated or threatened or made him feel like he had lost control.  

The other thing is your husband cares what people thing of him.  So use that in your best calm voice.  If we can work out an agreement this doesn’t have to go to court it will be a lot easier to keep everyone from knowing our business.  

In fact, when I felt like my xh was gathering steam to fight me on custody I had my attorney subpoena two of  his adultery partners.  One was xh’s co worker and one was my cousin.  With in 24 hours of the these women getting the subpoena xh and I were sitting down and hammering out our custody and visitation schedule.  

The thing about a selfish man is that he wants the appearance of being a good and involved dad more than he wants to actually BE a good and involved dad.  Let him look good and praise him...and you will get a lot more of what you want and what is important for the kids.  

Edited by Scarlett
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I’m fine with him seeing the grandparents and even my sil’s family but the house is covered in third hand smoke and when we leave my luggage always smells of a string smoke smell. So, the sleeping over has never been ideal. My sil’s home is much worse. Dh fell asleep there with ds once against my wishes (found out next day. I was across town with my parents) and he said he’d never do that again. I think the adults had been drinking and up late so he just stayed. This was not recently. Last time I went inside my eyes hurt the smoke was so thick in the air. 

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

If I owe half of the cc debt I’m looking at roughly $8,500 😬

There’s a car loan to consider, too. The one I usually drive is paid off. The newer, bigger one is not. 

The attorney works in my area! We are exchanging emails. 

I did not have to pay half of our debt.  It wasn’t that much but the judge gave it all to xh.  Seems like it was $2500.  We had just gone on a big WdW trip and we put some on the cc.  

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Well she was listed under a question about free consults but they don’t do free 😞 

it’s $300 for something called a pre divorce planning consultation. They tell you what to do/not do. From there you can get one flat rate if it’s not contested and if it is contested she said they charge an hourly rate. 

I could call around but I kinda thought she was the one to go with so now I don’t know. 

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Regarding shark attorneys.....I got one of the best divorce attorneys in our nearby mid size city.  My retainer was only $500. I know that seems unheard of but that was it.  He was very knowledgeable but he was not nasty and ugly.  He was very dignified.  He laid out the possibilities as well as what was likely to happen with our particular judge.  For instance the judge gave my xh the truck he had when we married....even though xh had put about $10k of our money into it over the years and it was worth about 15k. And my name was on the title too.  My attorney said the judge had awarded xh the truck with no comment...and the law was he had to give a reason for that.  So that was grounds for appeal.  But appeal would be costly and in the end the judge would just give a reason and xh would still get the truck.  

Xh got a nasty nasty female lawyer.  The most undignified I ever heard my attorney was in reference to her...he said, ‘yeah she is a real bitch’.  And she was.  She attacked me on the stand.  I do not believe  her attitude helped her in front of the judge.  But it was meant to intimidate me.  It did somewhat but I just power d through and kept telling myself I would accept what the judge awarded me.  But that was over the property settlement.  Custody was settled.  

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9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Well she was listed under a question about free consults but they don’t do free 😞 

it’s $300 for something called a pre divorce planning consultation. They tell you what to do/not do. From there you can get one flat rate if it’s not contested and if it is contested she said they charge an hourly rate. 

I could call around but I kinda thought she was the one to go with so now I don’t know. 

How long is that $300 session?

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7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

How long is that $300 session?

I don’t know. She didn’t say. 

I called Catholic Charities. They told me they do not have an attorney at the moment but redirected me to a DV service with free or reduced legal help. I had to leave a voicemail but was assured she just stepped out and will return my call. 

I did ask about emergency shelter options and they said the one closest to me is full but if they had space I could go there. The website said 30 days for using the shelter. Again, I don’t think that necessarily would apply to me but it’s good to know. 

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1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Ok I asked. 1-2 hours fir that $300 consult. 

Hourly rate is $250 and no way of knowing how many hours right now.

I knew it was expensive but dang. I didn’t know what to expect. 

But see your husband isn’t going to want to spend that money any more than you do.  Which is why agreeing is so much better.  Of course I recognize the ridiculousness of hoping two people who can’t live together peacefully will agree on divorce terms.   But does happen.  

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

True. 

I may sound too optimistic here but given what my friend (that works at a lawyer’s office) said about Mississippi judges, I don’t think I’m the underdog. 

 

You're right, one of the advantages to mothers in the rural south is that judges are still likely to be very sexist and consider children to be primarily the woman's responsibility.  So you have a higher chance of getting sole custody with visitation rights.  But you still need money.  I think you need to plan this well before you do anything.  That means a job. It means kids in school & daycare.  That means hiding 20% of your salary (at least) in a savings account with only your name on it.  You'd need attorney fees, 3+ months rent and utilities, and some emergency money in savings.  That might take a year.  I'd make the visit with the attorney sooner rather than later, she'll have valuable advice.

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10 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I don’t know.  To me that comes through as a possible fear based reaction due to worry about child. 

Same.  I have made some mistakes too.  Once I accidentally cut my kid with a scissor.  I would hope things like that wouldn't be put in the category of "evidence I shouldn't have custody of my kids."

Vomiting is the correct remedy for some kinds of poisoning.  It's best to call the poison control center first and ask, but in a panic people do panicky things

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Just now, SKL said:

Same.  I have made some mistakes too.  Once I accidentally cut my kid with a scissor.  I would hope things like that wouldn't be put in the category of "evidence I shouldn't have custody of my kids."

Vomiting is the correct remedy for some kinds of poisoning.  It's best to call the poison control center first and ask, but in a panic people do panicky things

No it wasn’t that he wanted ds to try to vomit. It was how he treated ds during it. Screaming at him and then putting his adult size finger in ds’ mouth iirc trying to force it. I was like wait did you even call poison control or maybe nurse hotline? 

I guess you would have had to been there.

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Just now, heartlikealion said:

She has the experience and reviews. 32 years of family law. 

I know I need money. That’s why I’m looking for a free consult for now. 

 

I was surprised when you said you could get a free consult with someone with a good reputation outside of a special pro bono or clinic or legal aid program.  

Our area doesn’t have that.  (Except for contingency case type problems , which divorce is not.) Yours also may not have that.  

If she is a really excellent lawyer though, getting help from your parents to pay her now may save a great deal of grief and $$ in long run. 

 

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1 minute ago, Pen said:

 

I was surprised when you said you could get a free consult with someone with a good reputation outside of a special pro bono or clinic or legal aid program.  

Our area doesn’t have that.  (Except for contingency case type problems , which divorce is not.) Yours also may not have that.  

If she is a really excellent lawyer though, getting help from your parents to pay her now may save a great deal of grief and $$ in long run. 

 

My thoughts exactly. I’m trying to hold off on seeing her til after I hear back from the DV place and talk to family. 

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15 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My thoughts exactly. I’m trying to hold off on seeing her til after I hear back from the DV place and talk to family. 

 

And if other places like Legal Aid might have anyone you could talk to for free that might get some added help.

In a completely different state, a very different sort of legal problem, I am now coping with some issues that were in part because of problems that came from my son’s biological father having used Catholic Charities to try to get legal help.  The lawyers were regular lawyers in the area.  And had some good online reviews.  Had the biological father honestly told us what had happened, possibly it could have been better resolved in his lifetime.  So part of the problem was certainly him.  But I also wasn’t left with a good feeling about their “help.” 

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19 hours ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I've been thinking about this, and going back and forth of the ethics, but the more OP says, I agree it sounds like you should open an account as soon as you have the minimum. Make your kids, or your mother beneficiary. But I would ask an attorney again, or even the DV hotline- phone not text, if putting another address on it could backfire on you later in court that you were hiding/redirecting funds from him.

You have to think proactively, and I know it probably sounds petty some of the things I bring up, but it's because I've seen things happen that no one with a logical mind would ever think would be twisted against them in court. People lie all the time in divorces. They make up abuse. They hide money and justify it. They do all sorts of things and judges hold a hard rule on it- attorneys can twist things that would make it look like it wasn't him, but YOU who were financially irresponsible. Now hopefully, it never comes to that. And he can't afford or isn't motivated enough to hire a barracuda for an attorney. But, if you have the trail, that you sought the lawyer- you called the DV line. You did XYZ, then it makes things seem less like deception and more like a woman seeking help from a dominating spouse.  And that is good. So maybe I'm overly pessimistic, but as I've said several times now- if I had to lay money on it, it's that if you leave or seek a divorce he is going to come at you and he's going to come at you hard. And it sounds like your state might not be as clean cut as others. So dot the i's and cross the t's. Stash the cash in a box until you can find out about the account. 

If you do open one and can't get any local, legal advice (I stress LOCAL) in the meantime........You are primarily the one home, so maybe between paperless billing/statements and being home to intercept that one initial notification you usually get, there hopefully wouldn't be paper going to your house. I know we just opened our dd a new account at a CU at the last six months and there's been no paper beyond an address confirmation. They printed the cards there for her at the office and everything else is online. But there was that paper confirmation. Not to mention if you share a computer, the history for an additional account could show up if he checks things like that. 

 

If it were me, I’d be using a safety deposit box and stuffing it with whatever cash I could. I’m old fashioned like that, and wary that other types of accounts associated with my name and SSN would show up on a credit report if controlling husband pulled it. 

Once you reach enough, give several hundred to someone who is accessible 24/7, like an understanding and trustworthy parent who can keep it a secret. That way you will have access to some funds if you need to flee outside of bank hours. 

Change from purchases, excess grocery money, selling used books/toys/household items here and there, pennies found in the parking lot - that all adds up. Also, anytime you can when you grocery shop get $10-20 in cash back, and/or a gift card for local or national gas station chains, Walmart or fast food (because they’re everywhere). You may not think there’s extra money anywhere, but if you are determined and creative and recognize that small increments add up, you’ll find it.

I have a wonderful husband, but it has crossed my mind more than once that if I didn’t, our finances are so entwined that it would be logistically near impossible to leave. It is causing me to give my daughters (AND my sons!) different sort of counsel/advice for how budgeting occurs in their adult lives and relationships than the way my husband and I have done things for years, with him having complete control of the finances.

Heart, I don’t have any expertise from which to offer you any advice in your marriage situation, but I do think that those counseling you to do whatever it takes to make sure you can keep your kids safe and in your custody are sharing wisdom. You will need to be strong and smart and future-minded. Praying you will find great trustworthy local resources for all your needs. 

 

Edited by Seasider too
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10 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

And if her daughter tells her, she can blast her ex, who can keep doing it anyway if he wants.

You don't have the sort of husband who is going to be obliging. You have the sort who is going to do as mine does, which is pretty much the opposite of anything I say. Not that he has to, because I have precisely 0% parental responsibility and he has precisely 0% legal obligation to listen to me. Or our daughter, for that matter.

 

He also sounds like the kids of person that would threaten the kids with not nice things if they told. 

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38 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

No it wasn’t that he wanted ds to try to vomit. It was how he treated ds during it. Screaming at him and then putting his adult size finger in ds’ mouth iirc trying to force it. I was like wait did you even call poison control or maybe nurse hotline? 

I guess you would have had to been there.

 

There are very few medications where an extra dose is a legit emergency and if some one needs to be made to throw up, there are much better ways than an adult jamming their finger down their child’s throat while screaming. To me, his reaction sounds ignorant and over the top.  Poison control, any open pharmacy or the nurse’s line would have had information in a timely fashion.  He doesn’t seem to have very good problem solving skills.  

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5 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

If it were me, I’d be using a safety deposit box and stuffing it with whatever cash I could. I’m old fashioned like that, and wary that other types of accounts associated with my name and SSN would show up on a credit report if controlling husband pulled it. 

Once you reach enough, give several hundred to someone who is accessible 24/7, like an understanding and trustworthy parent who can keep it a secret. That way you will have access to some funds if you need to flee outside of bank hours. 

Change from purchases, excess grocery money, selling used books/toys/household items here and there, pennies found in the parking lot - that all adds up. Also, anytime you can when you grocery shop get $10-20 in cash back, and/or a gift card for local or national gas station chains, Walmart or fast food (because they’re everywhere). You may not think there’s extra money anywhere, but if you are determined and creative and recognize that small increments add up, you’ll find it.

I have a wonderful husband, but it has crossed my mind more than once that if I didn’t, our finances are so entwined that it would be logistically near impossible to leave. It is causing me to give my daughters (AND my sons!) different sort of counsel/advice for how budgeting occurs in their adult lives and relationships than the way my husband and I have done things for years, with him having complete control of the finances.

Heart, I don’t have any expertise from which to offer you any advice in your marriage situation, but I do think that those counseling you to do whatever it takes to make sure you can keep your kids safe and in your custody are sharing wisdom. You will need to be strong and smart and future-minded. Praying you will find great trustworthy local resources for all your needs. 

 

Definitely something to consider in counseling our children.

My own experience of vulnerability as an at home parent has led me to counsel my children--especially my daughters--to look for careers that can be reasonably continued part time. I still see a lot of value in having an at home parent and for biological reasons mom is always going to be the most common candidate for that, but being out of the workforce completely can represent a significant disadvantage.

The way finances have worked in our household are that dh earns the money but I manage it once it hits our bank account. Really he ought to be more involved than he is but if things are going to be lopsided at least it isn't one person wielding all the financial power--he's got the earning power and I've got the spending power.

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21 minutes ago, maize said:

Definitely something to consider in counseling our children.

My own experience of vulnerability as an at home parent has led me to counsel my children--especially my daughters--to look for careers that can be reasonably continued part time. I still see a lot of value in having an at home parent and for biological reasons mom is always going to be the most common candidate for that, but being out of the workforce completely can represent a significant disadvantage.

The way finances have worked in our household are that dh earns the money but I manage it once it hits our bank account. Really he ought to be more involved than he is but if things are going to be lopsided at least it isn't one person wielding all the financial power--he's got the earning power and I've got the spending power.

divorce is but one scenario where mom needs to support the family. as the child of a young widow - and the sahm-wife of a man who went through prolonged unemployment (Just when we thought things were getting better, something else would happen.  I felt like I was in a keystone cops movie.... - and knowing women whose husbands ended up with catastrophic disabilities..) - I've made the same counsel with my own dd's.  2dd is the only one married - she works one day a week to keep her license active.  if she were working full-time, she'd actually make more than her dh. (he can work from home, so he takes care of the baby when their schedules overlap.)

 for 1dd - she has a comfortable life as a single woman in our hcol area.  many of the divorced/never-married women she knows, don't.

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40 minutes ago, maize said:

Definitely something to consider in counseling our children.

My own experience of vulnerability as an at home parent has led me to counsel my children--especially my daughters--to look for careers that can be reasonably continued part time. I still see a lot of value in having an at home parent and for biological reasons mom is always going to be the most common candidate for that, but being out of the workforce completely can represent a significant disadvantage.

 

Yes, this is my advice to them. Keep some skin in the game. 

Seriously, I think a marriage is generally going to be much healthier if there’s a mutual  commitment of “want to” than one of the spouses feeling “have to.”  I do not take divorce lightly - I highly respect the commitment (as an adjunct to love) aspect of the marital relationship. But I believe other (not abuse related) martial challenges could be better weathered if the economic playing field were reasonably level, making it less of an issue, so no one feels trapped. 

Edited by Seasider too
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While I don’t have the easiest jump back into work options I’m not in as dire shape as some may think. 

I have local work references at least. I worked at the college book store, the local newspaper, the community college as an athletic tutor, the church as an afterschool tutor (that was last school year) and I have volunteer things (Vacation Bible School this summer). 

My flyers I made for homeschool events may be added to my portfolio. 

I organized this year’s annual BTS homeschool pool party. I collected money from 60 families and paid the venue. Set up the potluck link and sent out reminders. It really wasn’t hard but since it’s s big group it sounds like I have some experience with people/planning. I’ve hosted other smaller events, too. I network.  I attended a literacy summit a couple weeks ago. 

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41 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

While I don’t have the easiest jump back into work options I’m not in as dire shape as some may think. 

I have local work references at least. I worked at the college book store, the local newspaper, the community college as an athletic tutor, the church as an afterschool tutor (that was last school year) and I have volunteer things (Vacation Bible School this summer). 

My flyers I made for homeschool events may be added to my portfolio. 

I organized this year’s annual BTS homeschool pool party. I collected money from 60 families and paid the venue. Set up the potluck link and sent out reminders. It really wasn’t hard but since it’s s big group it sounds like I have some experience with people/planning. I’ve hosted other smaller events, too. I network.  I attended a literacy summit a couple weeks ago. 

Oh, certainly, I know you have been more involved than many of us in part time work and volunteering.

While a lot of this thread has revolved around your specific situation, a lot of the discussion is also more generic and not directed at you specifically.

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I am leaning on focusing on financial abuse. That is documented in a sense. 

In 2010 I had a steady FT job with benefits. Dh was working PT and we shared childcare of ds (no daycare/sitter). He was not in a library field. 

That was the year I lost my s#it over his spending. He’d say we had no money for a sitter or w/e but then used student loan money and I dunno what else to buy expensive stuff... and we were possibly receiving WIC at the time. 

I just added up the most expensive items from those spending sprees. I got approx $3100. The tv was $1397. He bought two graphics cards that year and I was the one doing graphic design!! I did it all at the office. He used his for recreational PC gaming. 

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Saying it again - document the name calling, the yelling, the throwing things, the spanking, etc etc etc. THAT will make more of a difference than a hundred bucks spent unwisely here or there, especially as there is no proof it was him and not you that wanted to buy those things, you know?

"Contemporaneous records" - as in, note things as they happen, so that a year from now it is all documented and doesn't look like you made it up. Helps if you email someone else every time someone happens, or at the very least email yourself (set up new email accounts he doesn't know about) to have dated documentation. 

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2 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Saying it again - document the name calling, the yelling, the throwing things, the spanking, etc etc etc. THAT will make more of a difference than a hundred bucks spent unwisely here or there, especially as there is no proof it was him and not you that wanted to buy those things, you know?

"Contemporaneous records" - as in, note things as they happen, so that a year from now it is all documented and doesn't look like you made it up. Helps if you email someone else every time someone happens, or at the very least email yourself (set up new email accounts he doesn't know about) to have dated documentation. 

I agree Heart about keeping records.  But hopefully the two of you can come to some sort of agreement about custody and visitation.  Otherwise everyone loses.  Especially the kids.  

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I agree Heart about keeping records.  But hopefully the two of you can come to some sort of agreement about custody and visitation.  Otherwise everyone loses.  Especially the kids.  

Oh I hope so too. 

The only good thing about a husband who never manages to get around to doing what he said he would is that he may also not have the energy/stamina/follow through to actually fight her on custody. Mine didn't. I got pretty much whatever I wanted because he was basically too lazy to fight it. Now, that same behavior meant the divorce took FOREVER because every single step had a window of time and he always waited until the last second to turn in stuff...had he been on the ball it would have been a few months, as it was it took over a year. But like I said, I got everything I wanted. He knew deep down I was a good parent and more stable. 

We actually ended up being required to do mediation due to a law that went into place while we were in the divorce process and it took all of 5 minutes because we'd already made a written agreement and signed it. Dumbest thing, but I know the rule is for those that can't manage to agree. 

I just typed up an agreement based on examples I found online, we both signed it, spent 5 minutes in mediation, and then had a court date that took all of 5 minutes. And yet - that took over a year. Sigh. 

People get upset that I dated my now DH while still technically married, but don't get that we were living in separate cities, I'd signed everything I could sign, custody agreement was filled out and signed, etc. We were for all extents and purposes divorced, we just hadn't had that 5 minute court date. (not to mention me having really operated as a single woman for years as he was not a partner at all)

Divorce was the single hardest thing I ever did. SO HARD. It was gut wrenching. I had NEVER wanted a divorce, I wanted my marriage to work. If I hadn't had a son I would have stayed forever I think. But what I wouldn't do for myself, I would do for my son. I had to leave so he didn't grow up emulating his father and thinking that was how things were. Giving him a safe, stable home was my only reason for leaving. That I ended up with a pretty much fairy tale life afterwards was a nice bonus, but not why I did it. 

Divorce isn't ending a contract, it is more like an amputation. Bloody, messy, painful, traumatic, and nothing is ever the same again. You never forget. And yet, sometimes, it is the only way to save your life. 

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19 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

I'm not even going to dignify this with a response other than to say, if your interest was in Heart's threads over the years, and not finding a way to sh*t on an abuse survivor, then you'd know she's done precisely that with ZERO result.  And seriously ?

I’m not finding a way to shit on an abuse survivor. I’ll put you on ignore now, because frankly, I find you quite unstable.

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On 9/27/2019 at 7:07 AM, heartlikealion said:

Re: checks 

he doesn’t get pay stubs. It’s direct deposit. It’s not the same day each month. It’s just near the end of the month. One month it could be the 26. Another the 29. It varies in that sense. We don’t have a lease or write checks for rent. It comes directly out of his paycheck. 

I will talk to the lady in HR but you know if Dh hears I did then he will probably lose his cool because I’m meddling or w/e. 

I was speaking with the bank when I asked about the pay date. She guessed it was the last Friday of the month and shifted if it landed on a weekend not that theory did not pan out either as we noticed one month he was paid on a Wednesday. 

 

 

Was the Wednesday payment due to a holiday? Here it's either the last day, last Friday or last workday of the month so that makes sense to me. Occasionally it shows up a day early, but dated for the following day.

Amy

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14 minutes ago, Acadie said:

 

Was the Wednesday payment due to a holiday? Here it's either the last day, last Friday or last workday of the month so that makes sense to me. Occasionally it shows up a day early, but dated for the following day.

Amy

I thought of that but it just doesn’t add up. 

Ok I know for sure in Sept I saw funds pending on Wed & Thursday but they were available Friday. The bank now displays it showing the money was deposited on Thursday though. 

August it displays it deposited on Wed. 

July it shows it deposited on Monday. 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I thought of that but it just doesn’t add up. 

Ok I know for sure in Sept I saw funds pending on Wed & Thursday but they were available Friday. The bank now displays it showing the money was deposited on Thursday though. 

August it displays it deposited on Wed. 

July it shows it deposited on Monday. 

What were the dates? Also, what day did the funds come through? Like, my DH is supposed to be paid on Friday. Friday is payday. But direct deposit sometimes shows it pending days earlier, but it won't be available until the day the check is "dated" which is Friday. Are the funds always available on Friday, but deposited on different days?

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3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

No it wasn’t that he wanted ds to try to vomit. It was how he treated ds during it. Screaming at him and then putting his adult size finger in ds’ mouth iirc trying to force it. I was like wait did you even call poison control or maybe nurse hotline? 

I guess you would have had to been there.

 

The way you describe it this time, with screaming at child etc sounds more impressive as a negative for dh...

especially if it’s in context of other things like belittling Ds etc.    Not wanting to allow the X-ray ...  face popping. 

What is face popping?

Edited by Pen
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I’m getting legal help for free. The lawyer I will be assigned works with DV cases.  

I did an intake form with the DV place over the phone and they said yes I fit the criteria. 

My last post was but clear I realize. I was complaining about chunks of money coming out at once. 

May 2010 

$332 on 90th edition Kitchen Aid mixer 

$179 on 4.5 qt KA mixer 

$500 on mixers while I’m getting milk from WIC?  

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m getting legal help for free. The lawyer I will be assigned works with DV cases.  

I did an intake form with the DV place over the phone and they said yes I fit the criteria. 

My last post was but clear I realize. I was complaining about chunks of money coming out at once. 

May 2010 

$332 on 90th edition Kitchen Aid mixer 

$179 on 4.5 qt KA mixer 

$500 on mixers while I’m getting milk from WIC?  

Extravagant spending while receiving public assistance, unable to purchase groceries to feed kids due to DH's reckless spending, etc is how I'd word it. And also be clear that he has refused to let you handle the taxes, you don't have access to his pay stubs, won't put your name on the credit card account (means he can cut you off at any time), etc. 

 

Edited by Ktgrok
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1 minute ago, Ktgrok said:

What were the dates? Also, what day did the funds come through? Like, my DH is supposed to be paid on Friday. Friday is payday. But direct deposit sometimes shows it pending days earlier, but it won't be available until the day the check is "dated" which is Friday. Are the funds always available on Friday, but deposited on different days?

Yeah I’m saying the “pending” thing only displays in my screen while it’s pending. Now that it’s there it shows it as coming in Thursday in Sept. but I know it was really Friday. These are the dates that now display. 

9/26

8/28

7/29

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Just now, Ktgrok said:

Extravagant spending while receiving public assistance, unable to purchase groceries to feed kids due to DH's reckless spending, etc is how I'd word it. 

 

I know that was an extreme month and he probably dipped in the student loan money but still. He said the KA was a big sale (90th anniversary) and passed it off as my mother’s day gift. I was mad. He then bought the other as his mom’s mother day gift. At the time I hardly baked or cooked but I did a little. I think I still had a Sunbeam mixer from my mil. It died but I think that happened later. I can’t remember. 

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4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’m getting legal help for free. The lawyer I will be assigned works with DV cases.  

I did an intake form with the DV place over the phone and they said yes I fit the criteria. 

My last post was but clear I realize. I was complaining about chunks of money coming out at once. 

May 2010 

$332 on 90th edition Kitchen Aid mixer 

$179 on 4.5 qt KA mixer 

$500 on mixers while I’m getting milk from WIC?  

 

You can still hire the shark later when you’re ready as long as dh doesn’t, but this sounds like a good start. 

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6 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Extravagant spending while receiving public assistance, unable to purchase groceries to feed kids due to DH's reckless spending, etc is how I'd word it. And also be clear that he has refused to let you handle the taxes, you don't have access to his pay stubs, won't put your name on the credit card account (means he can cut you off at any time), etc. 

 

 

Well put.

 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

I know that was an extreme month and he probably dipped in the student loan money but still. He said the KA was a big sale (90th anniversary) and passed it off as my mother’s day gift. I was mad. He then bought the other as his mom’s mother day gift. At the time I hardly baked or cooked but I did a little. I think I still had a Sunbeam mixer from my mil. It died but I think that happened later. I can’t remember. 

 

It sounds like a buying / spending on non necessities addiction of some sort.

(I have managed Most of my life with hand mixing  with a wooden spoon or hand turned egg beater.  Recently I got an immersion blender but still mostly use spoon.  )

 

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Just for kicks: 

Jan. 2010 

$85 dual-arm articulating wall mount 

$550 400-disc blu ray/dvd player

$55 160GB hard drive (internal) 

$1397 52” LCD TV 

$36 Tv shelf (for the PC to sit beside it so he had internet connected to the tv. This was before WiFi) 

$130 512MB graphics card 

Hmm Dh is a movie buff, pc gamer. I think it’s mostly obvious who bought that. And I sure as heck didn’t mount it to the wall. 

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1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

Looks like what I read last night lol 

I still need to catch up on a couple other links. I watched half the Tedtalk video on diet and mental health. I need to dig through the pages again to find the links I missed. 

Dh never said, “no, you can’t be on the cc.” I just called to ask a question once and realized I was simply an authorized user. I felt no reason to ask to be more as I don’t want to be linked with that debt for no reason. Yes a lot of that was mutual spending... we used to exclusively shop with the cc then pay off the balance. Got cash back. But it really went out of whack the year ds tried private school. And this past year Dh bought the furniture set. I tried to get him to skip elements but he purchased it all. It’s interest-free but now I’m thinking isn’t it adding to our current interest assuming he put it on our cc? I don’t think he applied for a store cc. I don’t think they even offer those.

The last 4 cc payments didn’t even make a dent in our debt. 

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Do you have any credit cards in your name? If you don't you may want to apply for a credit card that is just in your name. You can use household income on the application so it doesn't matter if you don't have your own income. You don't have to use the card but it would be a good thing to have in case of an emergency. And if you do get a divorce it will be good to have credit in your own name.

 

Susan in TX

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