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heartlikealion

Navigating work/personal life boundaries

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I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes over and over but I don’t have the best judgement sometimes. This isn’t a JAWM thread but please try not to be too harsh. 

I get in weird situations where I’m out of line to say something because it affects Dh and his job but doing nothing means dealing with another set of problems. I don’t know how to navigate these things and/or what most people think. 

Example #1. Years ago Dh worked at a store where they needed to deal with some stuff but had no where to store it because technically it wasn’t supposed to still be there? Without going into too many specifics I’ll say he tossed it in my car trunk and I drove around with a weighted trunk for I dunno, weeks while asking him to deal with the stuff. He didn’t. I got so fed up I took it back to his place of employment and left it there with someone. He was irate. But I know if I did nothing that would have gone on and on. 

Fast forward. Dh and I live in campus housing. Anytime there is an issue I tell Dh and he emails someone to address it (maintenance requests seem to go through a couple channels and are often not acknowledged). We had a plumbing fiasco about a month ago. The guys came out and accidentally broke the pipe while working on it. We had tree roots causing things to back up in the home. When they left they said they’d come back to address the rest. The plumbing worked but a hole remains in our yard along with the old pipe. It has rained a few times. I have mowed around the hole. I’m just wondering did they forget? Did they order the pipe? 

Dh insisted it was very wrong to bring it up at lunch where he sees the maintenance crew when I suggested a quick question about it face-to-face. A few days ago he snipped at me when I asked about it staring that he’s busy. I only recalled him telling me about a new maintenance request he submitted but today he said he has spoken to others, one face-to-face with a higher rank but dh still doesn’t know anything. When I admitted I asked the babysitter if she could casually ask the head of maintenance if they were waiting on a pipe for our yard Dh went off on me. Essentially I have no understanding of proper etiquette, etc. I do regret it now but I hate feeling helpless, too. For the record I had recently left clothes dd outgrew with the sitter to pass along to the guy’s family for his dd since my dd and his dd go to the sitter (my dd doesn’t go often). The sitter is a woman of few words. She did not update me on the yard. I did not ask again. She said he did get the clothes. 

I know my situations are probably bizarre. I just wish I could approach an office manager or landlord myself. I do not like sitting on my hands. 

So how horrified are you by my actions? For the record, the one at the first job... she never returned my cake carrier from an employee birthday party Dh attended where I baked the cake. I kept asking him and asked her. So I am sure I really didn’t care what she thought of me lol She and her spouse made plans with our family once like a year or so ago when they were in the area and then blew us off, too. 

Sometimes I think Dh worries too much what others think but I admit I overstepped. 

 

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I will do my best not to be too harsh.

 

The problem isn't you, it's your DH.  

What I am reading is that he has things he's supposed to take care of, but then, he doesn't.  So then, knowing that he isn't doing what he is supposed to/what he said he was going to, he makes it seem like you are the one with the crazy problem.

 

I think they call that gaslighting?

 

 

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I guess my first thought is why can’t you email or call the maintenance people? Does it have to be the employee? Why rely on your dh? 

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51 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I just wish I could approach an office manager or landlord myself.

Other than your Dh flipping out on you, what is the reason you can't?  Are you not on the lease or something?

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I’ve researched gaslighting in the past but I’m not sure this falls under that. 

Today he flipped his lid with me in the car over me overstepping. He was driving and got very angry and implied he should just drop me off somewhere. I just asked him before we left the house to fill out a CAARS form on me (for a mental health dr) and he was scared he’d be too harsh. I said just answer it honestly. During our fight he said let’s start answering it now!! He was so ready to expose how awful I am (no I do t really think I’m so awful. My motives are usually good). 

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And I agree with HSL. 

I don’t think you overstepped, necessarily; I think you need to deal with maintenance yourself. Having the sitter ask for you isn’t effective, obviously. And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t follow up with her after you asked her to do you a favor. 

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There is no lease and he knows who to contact and it’s all school employees that handle the interactions. I guess I’d seem to be overstepping by tracking down their email?? I actually still have an active school email account from when I tutored. They didn’t disable it. Not that I’d have to use it fir contacting them but Dh has made it very clear that it’s not my place blah blah there are proper channels and he’s gone through them. 

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Just now, brehon said:

And I agree with HSL. 

I don’t think you overstepped, necessarily; I think you need to deal with maintenance yourself. Having the sitter ask for you isn’t effective, obviously. And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t follow up with her after you asked her to do you a favor. 

I sent a text yesterday. She said she’d ask him. I checked my phone tonight (or afternoon?) and said oh the sitter didn’t respond about the question I asked about the yard. Then Dh flipped out on me. We were traveling over 3 hrs on our way to see family. I didn’t feel like texting her again after being berated for my actions. 

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve researched gaslighting in the past but I’m not sure this falls under that. 

Today he flipped his lid with me in the car over me overstepping. He was driving and got very angry and implied he should just drop me off somewhere. I just asked him before we left the house to fill out a CAARS form on me (for a mental health dr) and he was scared he’d be too harsh. I said just answer it honestly. During our fight he said let’s start answering it now!! He was so ready to expose how awful I am (no I do t really think I’m so awful. My motives are usually good). 

Well, I dunno if it's actually gaslighting or not...I am not really up on trendy pop psychology terms.

 

But I can tell you that if my spouse EVER......*EVER*....implied that he should "just drop me off somewhere" I would lose my ever loving mind.  As in 'Excuse ME?  What the *HELL* is that supposed mean?!?!?! '   Followed by a whole other string of............................words.  

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Your dh is being an ass...again...

Figure out the correct email address to use and send an email from your active account. Unless there is a policy about who can contact maintenance or they use some sort of online system for reporting problems and only employees have the necessary password/log-in, there is no reason you can’t do this. 

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I don’t know how to deal with maintenance myself. Supposedly you have to contact person A and they contact B or C. 

They would be expecting communication from employees only I believe. 

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5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

There is no lease and he knows who to contact and it’s all school employees that handle the interactions. I guess I’d seem to be overstepping by tracking down their email?? I actually still have an active school email account from when I tutored. They didn’t disable it. Not that I’d have to use it fir contacting them but Dh has made it very clear that it’s not my place blah blah there are proper channels and he’s gone through them. 

Why don't you already know who to contact?  Other than his controlling and awful behavior, there's no reason that you, as the other adult in the house, should NOT know how to contact maintenance for issues.  I mean, what would happen if he was out of contact for some reason.....work trip, hospitalization, whatever...and an emergency happened, such as a busted water heater or something.  Does he expect you to sit around with a flooding house until he can come home and fulfill his place or something.  

I am sorry, I probably should not post much in this thread because you haven't ever posted much about your DH that makes me inclined to be "not harsh" regarding his behavior.  I don't find it to be acceptable on most levels.  

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He said (today) it has already been escalated to a couple bosses so he absolutely doesn’t want me saying anything else. He contacted one person. Waited a week for a response. Then followed up or contacted another. 

I don’t know why people on his campus are so bad about acknowledging emails?? That’s why I say talk to people in person. I don’t usually see the right people, though. I don’t come into contact with many. 

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Why don't you already know who to contact?  Other than his controlling and awful behavior, there's no reason that you, as the other adult in the house, should NOT know how to contact maintenance for issues.  I mean, what would happen if he was out of contact for some reason.....work trip, hospitalization, whatever...and an emergency happened, such as a busted water heater or something.  Does he expect you to sit around with a flooding house until he can come home and fulfill his place or something.  

I am sorry, I probably should not post much in this thread because you haven't ever posted much about your DH that makes me inclined to be "not harsh" regarding his behavior.  I don't find it to be acceptable on most levels.  

I meant don’t be harsh on *me* haha I’m socially badly behaved at times. 

Ok I know the name of one guy but Dh said he also contacted others... chain of command, other bosses, one I think on another campus. I wouldn’t be contacting *those* people. He told me he informed me of all this but I’m not sure if he did. If he did it wasn’t explained in detail. 

When he was out of town once I got a flat and I got help on campus from a student and a guy from the motor pool. No, I didn’t wait on him. But he chewed me out for driving 5 min home on the fiat. 

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13 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Well, I dunno if it's actually gaslighting or not...I am not really up on trendy pop psychology terms.

 

But I can tell you that if my spouse EVER......*EVER*....implied that he should "just drop me off somewhere" I would lose my ever loving mind.  As in 'Excuse ME?  What the *HELL* is that supposed mean?!?!?! '   Followed by a whole other string of............................words.  

It’s not the first time he’s said stuff like that. The more I spoke the more he was trying to shut me down... “shut up! You don’t know a thing about work ethic and respect. What if our daughter went to daycare and I showed up and the worker said, ‘oh so and so wants to check out a book.’ I’d think wth they need to handle that at my work.” 

My mind thought, “If that was me I wouldn’t get that bent out of shape and I’d just redirect them to the office number or maybe even get the book info.” 

We do not think alike.  

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I know someone else who is a spouse living in university faculty housing and she says that maintenance requests have to be put in by her husband because they are done within a university employee website that she does not have access to (it's under his account and login).

If it is just a matter of emailing I think a spouse doing so shouldn't be a problem.

Heart, you are not out of line. Your husband is.

 

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Yeah I don’t think I’m supposed to handle it but I don’t like having Dh as middle man. I do not know if the request goes through a special link. 

Next we fought over other stupid things where he tried to use love as a weapon (I ignore that as much as possible). He complained that he had to pack his own stuff. I said you’re a grown man, it’s not weird. I had to pack my stuff, dd’s, and assist ds (make sure he packed enough, included deodorant etc). He said he makes the money and a loving wife would have done it. I know a lot of women do more than me but I have packed for him many times and I don’t always know what he wants. Plus I was busy taking out trash, scooping litter, and filling the food/water dispensers for the cat. 

I think he wants a docile wife. Sorrynotsorry. 

 

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Yeah relationships aren't about the other person fulfilling our every wish.

Docile wouldn't help you, he'd just demand more and more.

I'm in a challenging marriage, I understand how things can be hard to navigate. Trust your own sense of right not what he tells you; run stuff by a therapist or a grounded friend--or us--when you need an outside perspective.

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2 minutes ago, aaplank said:

You can take my advice or leave it, but I hope the best for you. 

1. Do not have him fill out that form for the psychologist.

2.  Check out Leslie Vernick's website. 

Ooh I have her book! I haven’t finished it. I’ll look at the video/site 

I’ll see if my sister or dad can maybe fill it out... I dunno maybe make photo copies of it and let Dh fill out one but not necessarily use it. 

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I have many things I want to ask and say...but I’ll refrain for the most part....  

it is stupid that you can’t contact maintenance on your own.  You are in the house more than he is.  You should be able to call them up.   

Let him fill out the paper, then read it.  If it’s ugly, as I suspect it will be, keep it hidden away for safe keeping.    Let your sis and dad fill it out.   

How close are you and sister?   

Have you been documenting his idiocy?  I think we’ve recommended that before.   If you’re not, do it.  

You're not at fault.  He put you in the position that you felt you had to seek out help on your own.   

Like I said, I’d like to say more.    

Thinking of and praying for you.  

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13 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I have many things I want to ask and say...but I’ll refrain for the most part....  

it is stupid that you can’t contact maintenance on your own.  You are in the house more than he is.  You should be able to call them up.   

Let him fill out the paper, then read it.  If it’s ugly, as I suspect it will be, keep it hidden away for safe keeping.    Let your sis and dad fill it out.   

How close are you and sister?   

Have you been documenting his idiocy?  I think we’ve recommended that before.   If you’re not, do it.  

You're not at fault.  He put you in the position that you felt you had to seek out help on your own.   

Like I said, I’d like to say more.    

Thinking of and praying for you.  

Dh could answer it the best... I think the psychologist really wants someone to fill it out (I had to answer one about myself). He did at least agree with me on most of the questions on ds’ ADD form. Different form. 

The original form is on special paper but if push came to shove we could just move their answers to a new copy I’d ask for. 

The sister I’m visiting this weekend is not that close to me but we keep in touch and my sisters have both heard some of my stories. My father may not be able to help with the types of questions. I will look at the form tomorrow (it’s in the car). My oldest sister *might* be able to answer it better (via internet or phone). 

When we almost moved across campus we didn’t know for weeks of the house was scheduled to be cleaned (it’s supposed to between tenants but our home never was). I asked a woman I know that cleans on campus and I was redirected to her boss and her boss said she had to get the request from another person before sending over the cleaning staff. It’s not a straight forward thing. Weeks later I went in the home and it was clear maintenance didn’t do the list of requests (or their list was modified significantly) and no cleaning had been done. We chose not to move for a couple reasons. That was part of it.

I have documented some but not all. I will do that. Thank you. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Is it very harsh to think that there is no higher up that needs to be contacted, no emails sent? Is there no one else in campus housing? No one you can talk to and ask what they would do? So they can either give you the maintenance phone number, or tell you employees have to do it online?

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7 minutes ago, arctic_bunny said:

Is it very harsh to think that there is no higher up that needs to be contacted, no emails sent? Is there no one else in campus housing? No one you can talk to and ask what they would do? So they can either give you the maintenance phone number, or tell you employees have to do it online?

I used to direct some of my questions to a lady in HR next door. She is no longer on campus. I think if I approached the other HR person she’d just say your husband needs to contact so and so. And he has. And he’s contacted further up the chain. But, I could ask her for clarification... “do maintenance requests need to come from employees? Is it done via a special portal or just email?” because I definitely don’t want to bring it up with Dh again. 

You know Dh doesn’t even know when he gets paid. I’ve asked and he says he isn’t sure. I called the bank and we couldn’t figure out a pattern. It’s sporadic but near the end of the month. The bank confirmed how many days the check sits “pending” though. Yes, days not hours. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Just now, heartlikealion said:

I used to direct some of my questions to a lady in HR next door. She is no longer on campus. I think if I approached the other HR person she’d just say your husband needs to contact so and so. And he has. And he’s contacted further up the chain. But, I could ask her for clarification... “do maintenance requests needs to come from employees? Is it done via a social portal or just email?” because I definitely don’t want to bring it up with Dh again. 

You know Dh doesn’t even know when he gets paid. I’ve asked and he says he isn’t sure. I called the bank and we couldn’t figure out a pattern. It’s sporadic but near the end of the month. The bank confirmed how many days the check sits “pending” though. Yes, days not hours. 

How can he not know when he will be paid? There aren’t a ton of options... bi-weekly, 15th and last Friday, that sort of thing. He must get a pay stub showing hours, income, and deductions? Who tried to figure it out? You and DH, or you and the bank?

I think you should approach someone. Because you think you know what she will say, but how do you really know until you ask?

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1.  Having stuff put in a trunk and not dealt with is not a totally unheard of thing.  I have had it happen.  I don't tend to stress about it though.  If I need the space I will remove it and will stick it in the garage or my dh's study or something.  Otherwise I just leave it in the car.  Eventually I will ask him to move it. But I would also understand if he was overwhelmed with work etc. and didn't get around to it.  (Which is why I would then go ahead and put it in "his space" of our home to deal with when he has time.)   If I put it at his work when he asked me not to, I could see him getting irritated with me because I didn't respect his wishes on that.  However, his irritation with me would not turn into him being irate. 

2.  The campus housing issue seems to be a very specific thing?  I don't live in an area where only one person can interact with maintenance.  Actually I don't live in a place with maintenance.  So either dh or I would call someone that we would hire to take care of issues if dh couldn't do it himself. 

Honestly?  I see  you both as controlling.  You try to control him and his "jobs" and he tries to control you staying out of his "jobs".  In our marriage we would solve that by me taking over jobs that mattered to me and letting go of the rest.  He's a big boy, he doesn't need me to supervise him.  But I also feel free to make decisions that actually impact me (and don't  put everything in that category) and my husband doesn't feel the need to assert control over all details of our household either. 

Edited by Jean in Newcastle
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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Dh could answer it the best... I think the psychologist really wants someone to fill it out (I had to answer one about myself). He did at least agree with me on most of the questions on ds’ ADD form. Different form. 

The original form is on special paper but if push came to shove we could just move their answers to a new copy I’d ask for. 

The sister I’m visiting this weekend is not that close to me but we keep in touch and my sisters have both heard some of my stories. My father may not be able to help with the types of questions. I will look at the form tomorrow (it’s in the car). My oldest sister *might* be able to answer it better (via internet or phone). 

When we almost moved across campus we didn’t know for weeks of the house was scheduled to be cleaned (it’s supposed to between tenants but our home never was). I asked a woman I know that cleans on campus and I was redirected to her boss and her boss said she had to get the request from another person before sending over the cleaning staff. It’s not a straight forward thing. Weeks later I went in the home and it was clear maintenance didn’t do the list of requests (or their list was modified significantly) and no cleaning had been done. We chose not to move for a couple reasons. That was part of it.

I have documented some but not all. I will do that. Thank you. 

 

You guys need to move. You really do. 

The entire campus life thing is so stressful to hear about and the gas to get anywhere, and the lack of options for you all. 

Can't he look for another job somewhere else ? In a city ? This isn't working for you. Surely there are other places he can find work ?

You need options.

And yes, ask your sister to answer the form - it's not meant for angry spouses to go to town with,.

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Re: moving

A couple times he did apply for jobs out of this specific area but was offered one within the state with lower pay and no campus housing in an equally crummy school option area. Every time a job pops up on his radar he thinks about it a little but he also knows if he applies then they may end up contacting a current employer and that whole aspect is awkward. He has been promoted twice since we moved here. He’s a director now. It will be hard to find a similar job in his field. Most library jobs don’t pay that much. I have gone on interviews for FT jobs and worked odd part-time jobs within the past several years of living here. The pay + gas + childcare (dd is 4 now) was never enough or I was not offered the job. Without me working FT we cannot afford to move to a higher cost of living (city). Yes we would save on my gas but until this one librarian retires he can’t just switch his main office so he’d need to commute. I was originally hoping to secure a job closer to one of the bigger cities and then have him transfer after one person retired (supposedly within a year). The rule is 2 librarians per campus. The director/librarian can pick which campus so long as there’s an opening. No one is going to trade campuses with him, either. Ours is in the middle of no where. I am just trying to make the most of living here but the campus aspect makes me frustrated at times because there’s this, “don’t ruffle feathers” thing and power imbalance I guess you could say. 

Am I controlling? Probably. But I’ve also been following Dh around every time he says come. I quit my graphic design job when he secured his *unpaid* practicum for his master’s program. We were living off student loans & savings but then our rent increased so I scrambled and got a PT (was advertised as FT) job. Things were so bad I also had to apply for SNAP. Ds got on CHIPS for insurance. Then I found us a low-income subdivision and asked to transfer my job near that subdivision. 

I enrolled in a graphic design program to brush up my skills. When Dh got the phone call he was hired here it was my first day of class. I withdrew and quit my PT job and we came here. We didn’t have a school age child and soon learned from the locals about the crummy schools. I couldn’t transfer locations at my job as the nearest one to here is 45 min away, plus they were overlapping a lot of duties (forcing me to work customer service) and I was no longer happy working there. So I just started homeschooling and have done it off/on. 

I didn’t move his stuff into the house as it was ethically not even supposed to leave his worksite and I did not want any affiliation with it. We’ve always dealt with clutter and I didn’t want to add more stuff to the house. 

Re: checks 

he doesn’t get pay stubs. It’s direct deposit. It’s not the same day each month. It’s just near the end of the month. One month it could be the 26. Another the 29. It varies in that sense. We don’t have a lease or write checks for rent. It comes directly out of his paycheck. 

I will talk to the lady in HR but you know if Dh hears I did then he will probably lose his cool because I’m meddling or w/e. 

I was speaking with the bank when I asked about the pay date. She guessed it was the last Friday of the month and shifted if it landed on a weekend not that theory did not pan out either as we noticed one month he was paid on a Wednesday. 

 

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He’ll have access to an electronic paystub for sure through some online employee portal. He might not want to deal with getting it for you- but it does exist. Something seems really weird with the deposits.

I don’t think it would hurt for you to ask him to get a copy of a stub for- really for you for safekeeping somewhere and see the gross, what’s being taken out etc. if there’s a way you can casually do so without it triggering another argument. Like you need it for taxes or CHIP or whatever- but then save that copy somewhere safe. Or scan it and store it on a cloud. If he does drop you off somewhere you’ll be glad you have those numbers fwiw. 

I’m sorry you’re still dealing with all of this. Hugs.   

Edited by Æthelthryth the Texan
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1 minute ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

He’ll have access to an electronic paystub for sure through some online employee portal. He might not want to deal with getting it for you- but it does exist. Something seems really weird with the deposits.

I don’t think it would hurt for you to ask him to get a copy of a stub for- really for you for safekeeping somewhere and see the gross, what’s being taken out etc. if there’s a way you can casually do so without it triggering another argument. Like you need it for taxes or CHIP or whatever- but then save that copy somewhere safe. Or scan it and store it on a cloud. If he does drop you off somewhere you’ll be glad you have those numbers fwiw. 

I’m sorry you’re still dealing with all of this. Hugs.   

That makes sense. 

He files taxes with his dad using TurboTax. I think they just use the W2? 

Thankfully we no longer require CHIPS although it was easier in a way. 

I am going to ask a lady from church. She got hired at the college within the past year and works at another campus. She can possibly explain it to me. 

To be honest I know it doesn’t matter — just assume no pay til end of month. But when money is tight it’s stressful to think, “wait, when will money be there?” Our account had funds, low funds but some, and Dh said the bank card got declined at the gas pump yesterday! He ended up paying with our credit card instead. I can view the bank and I did and saw we had funds. I don’t know what happened. It was a usual place for us to go for gas, so should not have been flagged as mysterious activity either. I’ll ask the bank. 

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For taxes, yeah he’ll have the W2, but there are still stubs issued with every paycheck. Most are just electronic anymore. But seriously. There are a lot of flags here with what you mention now and what you’ve mentioned before. I am not trying to stir the pot, but with some of the things he’s said to you, I would want to see the stub and see if there are deposits going to other accounts or anything else. Especially if you can’t make rhyme or reason of the dates or the amounts. If he’s salaried, that should be pretty consistent. If you aren’t able to afford to move I am assuming he’s not maxing out any taxes where his check suddenly jumps at a certain point, which would most likely make the check be extremely similar from check to check, unless he’s got expenses being reimbursed or something. And if he got a bonus for any reason that would be a separate check from his paycheck most likely. 

Anyeay, I can see where he wouldn’t want to nag a co-worker and being “that guy”. However- 1) it’s pretty important your wife and kids have working water and sewage in which case he needs to just deal with it, be assertive and get it done, and 2) there seems to be a pattern here of several concerning things through past threads, (and I’m sure I’ve missed some) with his passive aggressiveness and the controlling part. It’s just concerning. 

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I know what he gets paid. I see it in the bank when it comes through. He just got paid (several hrs after the gas pump). He got a small raise (cost of living raise). But because of other things we aren’t really better off. 

I was exhausted but I offered to pack PB & J for the road. He said we could do drive thru. Then his card gets declined at the pump so I’m thinking should we have skipped the drive thru? I hate living like that. 

The tub, toilet, dishwasher, etc work fine now but there’s a broken leaky pipe outside now. It’s been like this a month. 

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They also broke the door that covers an entrance to the crawl space. I want all those holes covered. This time last year I found a puppy under my house! I got it out and got an animal rescue group to take it. 

E2F96253-17FB-4D4B-93E3-E28691DC9477.jpeg

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I will say having worked at state universities and hospitals, they are not always bastions of efficiency. However, the crack maintenance department you are dealing with seems particularly representative of that. Ugh. I hope it gets fixed soon. 

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On the paycheck, I agree with everyone else, there should still be electronic stubs.

I was thinking about this earlier as I was checking our own stubs.  I am wondering if perhaps maybe the pay is run like the last Friday of every month or something like that, perhaps that's why the days are different?  And then it could be pending for a few days depending on weekends, bank holidays, etc?  

I can see what others are saying about it being part of his job, maybe he really is the only person who can deal with maint. as he's the employee, etc etc etc.  The problem I have though is that he isn't taking care of it.   In my house right now, DH's employer is changing payroll providers.  I obviously cannot email his employer HR department directly to get all the information.  Which means I am reliant on DH to provide me with the info.  And he's, um.............bad at remembering that stuff.  BUT, when I ask about it, he doesn't lose his cool or berate me or anything like that. The conversation is more like..

Dh: Hey we are getting a new payroll app

Me:Ok, what does that mean?

Dh: They are changing the 401k people or something

Me: Ok, wait, before we go any further, did they give you any sort of paperwork or brochures or anything?

DH: I have emails.  We had a meeting but I don't really remember much....but I can get the emails to you on Monday

Me: Ok, great, lets just do that.

 

Monday morning rolls around, I send him an email that says "Hey, do you have those payroll emails for me?"  And he forwards me every single one.  There's no getting irked off, there is no going off on anyone, there's no threatening to drop anyone off somewhere.  He knows that is something I can't take care of.....so he does it.  And if he doesn't remember, I give him a little reminder, and he then does it.  

And that's the problem I see here....there might be things that the OP simply can't take care of due to the circumstances they are living in.  But the issue I see is that the DH is NOT taking care of those things, and then he gets verbally abusive when the OP tries to get it taken care of.  

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I admit am not sure I followed everything in your OP.  That said -

1) My policy would be to act the same as if I didn't have any family ties to the people I need stuff from.  If your dh worked for some completely different entity, what would you do about these things?  Make a follow-up phone call to whoever other customers would normally call, right?  Keep it all business, but you have every right to get this stuff done on a professional timeline.

2) Your dh sounds a bit oversensitive, but I wonder why you keep going to him about stuff he doesn't need to be involved in.

3) Next time your dh leaves crap in your car, tell him you are going to rent a storage unit and hire someone to transfer the crap from your car to the unit if he doesn't deal with it by [reasonable date].  That will get him moving.

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I agree with Jean.  Your DH May know a lot more about how the university is functioning right now than you. If he makes too many requests, he is in the chopping block.   A friend works for one that sounds similar set up to the one your DH works at. If there are too many requests for maintenance, the spouse is very involved, etc it really puts the employed person in the front when they are talking about doing eliminating positions/people.  

Have you ever thought about why you need to control you DH?  Is it maybe your way of not really dealing with stuff without you realizing it. 

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10 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I’ve researched gaslighting in the past but I’m not sure this falls under that. 

Today he flipped his lid with me in the car over me overstepping. He was driving and got very angry and implied he should just drop me off somewhere. I just asked him before we left the house to fill out a CAARS form on me (for a mental health dr) and he was scared he’d be too harsh. I said just answer it honestly. During our fight he said let’s start answering it now!! He was so ready to expose how awful I am (no I do t really think I’m so awful. My motives are usually good). 

gently - this crosses into psychological abuse.  I'm not sure I'd term it gaslighting (telling you your not seeing what you are in fact, seeing.) - but I would consider it manipulative and threatening if you "don't behave as he thinks you should".

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

They also broke the door that covers an entrance to the crawl space. I want all those holes covered. This time last year I found a puppy under my house! I got it out and got an animal rescue group to take it.

Others have already said what I was going to say re your DH. He sounds like an emotionally abusive ass.

On a practical note: it. It sounds like your house is now functional, right? Plumbing works? All you have is a hole in the yard and some rotted out boards by the crawl space?

Judging from how hard it is to get a university maintenance department to address urgent issues, I'd say you're better off just fixing that yourself, as this is likely the very bottom of their priority list. Get some plywood and cover the hole instead of waiting for the elusive maintenance people.

Just for perspective: as homeowners, everybody here (rural town) waits months for the contractors (which we are paying) to show up. It's a standing joke.

Edited by regentrude
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52 minutes ago, SKL said:

I admit am not sure I followed everything in your OP.  That said -

1) My policy would be to act the same as if I didn't have any family ties to the people I need stuff from.  If your dh worked for some completely different entity, what would you do about these things?  Make a follow-up phone call to whoever other customers would normally call, right?  Keep it all business, but you have every right to get this stuff done on a professional timeline.

2) Your dh sounds a bit oversensitive, but I wonder why you keep going to him about stuff he doesn't need to be involved in.

3) Next time your dh leaves crap in your car, tell him you are going to rent a storage unit and hire someone to transfer the crap from your car to the unit if he doesn't deal with it by [reasonable date].  That will get him moving.

2) the employee of the campus makes the requests 

3) it was sensitive items he should have never brought home. It was more so the principle behind the items that just storage. And had I signed up for a storage unit or given him such an ultimatum it would have caused a fight and him telling me I’m ridiculous or something. Plus money is always an issue and units cost money. 

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5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 ...

3) it was sensitive items he should have never brought home. It was more so the principle behind the items that just storage. And had I signed up for a storage unit or given him such an ultimatum it would have caused a fight and him telling me I’m ridiculous or something. Plus money is always an issue and units cost money. 

Sounds like your choices are (a) do something that may cause a fight, but will teach him a lesson and maybe change his future behavior, or (b) do something that will still cause a fight and change nothing for the future.  What do you really have to lose?

Of course money is an issue.  That's why you hit him where it hurts.  Does he care more about the stupid money than about how he treats his family?  Well that doesn't mean you need to accept that value system.

And here is a question for you - do you prefer the long-term feeling of being walked on to the short-term feeling of being in a tiff with dh over something he needs to change?  If so, why?

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39 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Others have already said what I was going to say re your DH. He sounds like an emotionally abusive ass.

On a practical note: it. It sounds like your house is now functional, right? Plumbing works? All you have is a hole in the yard and some rotted out boards by the crawl space?

Judging from how hard it is to get a university maintenance department to address urgent issues, I'd say you're better off just fixing that yourself, as this is likely the very bottom of their priority list. Get some plywood and cover the hole instead of waiting for the elusive maintenance people.

Just for perspective: as homeowners, everybody here (rural town) waits months for the contractors (which we are paying) to show up. It's a standing joke.

Yes this.  I would also put a piece of plywood over that hole in the ground, because I wouldn't want to risk one of my kids falling in it or myself and breaking my ankle.

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FTR my dad and mom were always poor when their kids were young.  My dad was an illiterate, uneducated procrastinator.  My dad would never treat my mom the way you are being treated.  Especially not over money.  (Sorry if that is too harsh.)

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Your husband is emotionally abusive. What the root cause is, I do not know. He may have an Asperger's profile; some of the things I've read in your posts sound a lot like my husband would do if he did not acknowledge the Asperger's (now autism) and if we both didn't work really hard at navigating a neurodiverse relationship. In any case, these three things have helped me a lot. 

1. Do not engage in arguments like this. It is utterly useless and only serves to upset you (and your children, I assume they were in the car as well). Make one sincere apology when appropriate, and refuse to engage further. ("I apologize for contacting them, I didn't know you had talked to someone else." . .   . he continues ranting . . . "I'm not going to argue. I've apologized for my part. Pass the bean dip."  . . . . . .he tries to get you to engage . . . . "Pass the bean dip.") When possible, completely remove yourself and the kids from his company when he is like this.

2. Do not talk to him about mundane matters. Look to someone else for this. It seems like you might be a bit indecisive about some things and do quite a bit of your processing out loud to him. I don't know many men who can tolerate this well, and even more so if he's on the spectrum. Save his executive function for things that really matter. Along this line, with the current example, I'd use the plywood to cover the crawlspace myself and either put the dirt back in the hole or cover with something and leave it. It's out of my control. And then do not mention it again. 

3. He is an adult, and adults take care of their own personal matters. Inform him (matter-of-factly, not in an upset tone) that from now on you will be handling the personal responsibilities of yourself and the kids (waking them up, setting alarms, ironing clothes, packing, etc.) As an adult, he will be handling his own. After all, if he were single presumably he would have a both a job and take care of personal responsibilities. And then stick to this. ("I'm sorry to hear you missed work because you didn't charge your phone. Pass the bean dip."   "Oh, you haven't packed yet? Ok, no problem, the kids and I will play outside for a few minutes while you pack."   "Yes, I see that your shirt isn't ironed. The iron and ironing board are in the closet.")

Regardless of what the root cause is, it's hard. ((((Hugs)))))

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So much of what you post reminds me of my XH.  One time he went crazy (hard to even explain the level of crazy) because I had mentioned to our long time hairdresser-thus friend that now XH was having some heart related issues (turned out to be stress).  He felt that since our hairdresser was also hair dresser to one of his co-workers word would get back to his employer and it would negatively affect him.  And although I can see and even understand that concern the way he went off on me was off the charts.  That incident was during along car ride and it ruined the entire planned special weekend for me.  And that kind of thing happened often.  Very, very often.  It is total emotional and psychological abuse.  

One time I questioned where some money had gone to....his response?  He stopped depositing his paycheck in our joint account.  He said I would have to 'beg' him for money.  His intent was to keep me from questioning him on 'his' money.

And just because you see a deposit does not mean you know how much he is making.  You would need to see the electronic stub.  I ask my dh to forward the copy to me so I can keep up with things.  Dh got a raise that he did not even know about until I pointed it out to him on his pay stub.  (insert rolling eyes)  

Also, the wonky deposit times....my dh's company deposits every other Friday...but some times it comes through on the day before.  I think any number of things can affect that by a day or two. But yes you should definitely be able to know when it is suppose to  be deposited (dh's is never 'late', only early).

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regarding the "irregular deposit times"...  a *legitimate* employer would have regularly scheduled pay dates.  (unless they're on the verge of bankruptcy, and dont' have money to make payroll. - which is a flag to find new employment.)  as has been mentioned - roughly the beginning and middle of the month - or every two weeks.  unless it's a commission  (dh works on commission - while we have a rough idea when a paycheck should come through, it's not an every month thing.)

are you 100% certain he does direct deposit with his paycheck?  Is it always around the same amount? or does it vary?  could he be picking up his paycheck at HR, and depositing it when he gets around to it?   

in my experience, controlling people - will control money.   (to quote my control freak mil) - he who has the gold makes the rules.  it keeps those dependent upon them subservient.

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I lost my whole post. 

I feel walked on or upset depending on the situation/outcome and no, one isn’t really better than the other. After a fight it’s not always over. You may be living in tension, etc. 

I wanted to say to those calling me controlling... what exactly is not controlling?  Waiting indefinitely for things? We had a whole disagreement about a Christmas tree one year. He got it despite my objections (practical objections based on our tree history and travel plans). As I knew I would get stuck watering it. He won’t bend down that low for height/back issues and he’s actually allergic to trees when he handles them. I told him to dispose of it after the holiday (and I don’t rush that... I celebrate til the Epiphany) but all he did was drag it to the backyard and said he’d burn it with ds later. They would have a bonfire (yeah, ok). That never happened. The guy that mowed our yard just worked around it. I reminded Dh several times. He said I’m gonna burn it. Leave it. I was not physically strong enough to move it. I figured it would be full of mold spores by then (?). When it was a pitiful corpse I dragged it to the street. That thing was in our yard for two years. Did he ever actually deal with it? No. Waiting usually means nothing happens. 

He couldn’t even tie it to the car and ds and I were in it. What did he do? He bought it anyway and shoved it in the car. To drive home 45 min. I don’t think dd was born yet.

If I’m controlling well I’ll own that... but remember I have anxiety that manifests as a need to control and asserting myself is what? The opposite of being a doormat? Or what? Which is it? I can’t please everyone. I’m too much of a push over or I’m too controlling. 

Yes, the direct deposit is from the college. It’s in the text description. It wouldn’t pend that many days if it was a mobile deposit. We mostly do mobile with checks since the bank is 45 min away. 

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Edited by heartlikealion
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