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ARRRRRRRGH - vent warning


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I went to a baby shower for my brother's son on Saturday night.  one of his daughter's cornered me as she really wanted to talk - she's not speaking to her dad right now (she regrets calling him at father's day.  they did counseling together last year - until the counselor cut it off because my brother is so toxic.) and is also avoiding him.  she's been saving his texts in case she has to file a "no-contact' order.  It was great to see his kids - and they were thrilled to see me (and my sister) because my brother had pretty much interfered with contact between my sister and me, and his kids.  his kids want contact... my brother is the one who doesn't want us to have contact.

so - he  is now sending me emails demanding to know what we were talking about (none of your business - I rambled off in other directions and refused to answer.  so, he's demanding to know why I won't answer.  because your daughter is an ADULT!).  while I think my brother is deeply insecure - he's also narcissistic to a toxic degree.   and since I won't answer his questions - he's telling me how closed minded I am, and how refusing to answer is a form of aggression (actually dear - it's because "don't try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.").   the irony of him going on about how he describes his ex's as narcissistic goes over his head....  same with him telling me how closed minded I am because I won't listen to his conspiracy theories and absolutely nutty "spiritual" beliefs (oh - and I'm not spiritual because I won't share my "spiritual experiences" with him...  no dear - it's not casting my pearls before swine.)

ssssscccccrrrrreeeeeaaaaammmmm.  there's a reason when my counselor asked me what I'd *really* like to say to my brother, it involved very vulgar profanities (which made the counselor jump - because I do NOT talk that way.  ever.)  (glad we were using the emdr light board.  wow. just... wow.)

it was really great to see his kids - and they were all very happy I was there.  I even had some nice chats with his 1st ex-wife.  (before they divorced, she told me I was "the sane one in the family".

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I'm so glad you were able to reconnect with your nieces and nephews, it's so sad when divorce ends up cutting kids off from half their family.

Can you restrict contact with your brother, so you don't have to put up with these crazy conversations? I know sometimes that's not really possible if the crazy family member is still fully integrated into the larger family, such that cutting them out means cutting everyone else out, too (although if you are "the only sane one in the family" maybe that's not such a bad idea, lol). 

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1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

I'm so glad you were able to reconnect with your nieces and nephews, it's so sad when divorce ends up cutting kids off from half their family.

Can you restrict contact with your brother, so you don't have to put up with these crazy conversations? I know sometimes that's not really possible if the crazy family member is still fully integrated into the larger family, such that cutting them out means cutting everyone else out, too (although if you are "the only sane one in the family" maybe that's not such a bad idea, lol). 

our relationship is pretty restricted without being no-contact. (yet.)  he's not allowed in my house, and I refuse to meet with him anywhere I can't just get up and leave.  I have no issue changing the subject, or simply saying goodbye and hanging up when/if he calls.   

the only reason I heard from him was his youngest dd was avoiding him at the baby shower.  and the two of us had been talking because she really wanted to talk to me.

 

24 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Can you just tell him, "I will not discuss this with you. Your children are adults and what I discuss with other adults is none of your business."? 

when he "asked" (in quotes because it really was a demand) I said "this and that" - and went rambling off in other directions about inconsequential things.  when pressed, I ignored it. (and was informed ignoring a question is "aggressive".)  then he sent me this thing on pathological parenting - to which I pointed out he's sent it to me before - in response to when I shard how my kids were doing, and asked him how his kids were doing.  I think it was because he has such a lousy relationship with his kids. (I dont' tell him about my kids anymore.)  he wants relationships, but he has such disdain for other people he's not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.  even his son - with whom he's had the best relationship - said, bluntly: he married a Vietnamese woman who barely speaks English, is the same age as his kids, and has limited education and marketable job skills - so, three ways in which he can dominate her.  

telling him "it's none of your business - your kids are adults", etc. - is just holding up a red cape to incense the bull.  not worth it.

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How about just saying (or writing), "My conversations are confidential. I realize that my silence on this will upset you, but I need you to respect it. If you wish to have a fit, please do it out of my presence. When you're able to be civil and respectful, I'll be available to talk about other things. Until then, please go vent somewhere else."

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I would just flat-out tell him that he is the narcissist you're concerned about today and you will not tolerate being treated that way.  He can either knock it off and behave properly or go away. His choice.

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3 hours ago, Katy said:

I would just flat-out tell him that he is the narcissist you're concerned about today and you will not tolerate being treated that way.  He can either knock it off and behave properly or go away. His choice.

maybe one day, but not yet.  I believe that would be a sever the relationship and never have contact again move.  I'm not ready to do that yet.  and he does take his anger out on other people.

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