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Engagement party-anyone have experience with these??


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My brother and his wife just married off their only dd.   They threw a huge engagement party with the future son in law proposing on the front step and then walking into the house full of surprise guests.  

My other brother's son proposed at the beach.  Supposedly surprise to the bride, but somehow with both families flown down to the beach, a large group of friends and a house completely decorated for a surprise weekend with a theme of engagement the bride would have to be an idiot not to suspect something.  Who doesn't get suspicious when they notice photographers lurking about and following you on the beach?

This is all down South.  In addition to engagement parties the bride will have several showers and other parties where a friend of mom and dad's will "sponsor" the party and get up to 60 other friends to help.  They all pitch in maybe $200-$300.

My sister and I, who live in the midwest did not attend the latest family wedding down there.  I would have needed to buy three dresses for the bridesmaid's luncheon held on the day of the wedding,  one for the rehearsal dinner and one for the actual wedding.  I would have worn the dresses once. 

So yeah, engagement parties are a thing.  

 

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Oh my goodness, they hold so many parties here, pre-wedding! 

Engagement parties were a thing when I was engaged, 36 years ago...but I haven't been to one in the States. 

I think it is a lovely tradition and have absolutely no problem with it. And as far as spending money that could be used other ways? I love celebrations, and I think life is too short to NOT celebrate special occasions. It's not your money, anyway.

Best to learn to let go of thinking you have control, too. I feel ya, but honestly, while it is difficult when our visions for our children don't match their reality, rise to the challenge of letting your daughter handle her life while you stay supportive and kind. 

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I had an engagement party 20 years ago.  My parents wanted to throw it.  I was happy to show up to celebrate.

Maybe this is the MILs way of getting to throw an event of some kind.  It's their money, they get to decide how to spend it.  Some people enjoy entertaining.  It was nice of your daughter to ask you what you thought.  

1 year doesn't seem that short to me either.  How old is the couple?  

Sometimes when young adults live with parents there will be some tension.  It can be hard to walk those lines.  Maybe the party is a peace offering of a sort.  I guess I wouldn't assume the worst.  

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It doesn't have to be big and wildly expensive. I'm sure this varies a lot, but the most expensive engagement party I've ever been to was catered, but buffet/nosh style and still in the home of the hosts. The only decor were a few congratulations type things and I think there were fairy lights up in the backyard. I doubt they spent more than $2k and there was even alcohol - and it may have been a lot less. Like, if I happened to have a big cookie cutter suburban mansion, I could have hosted that for well under $1k. Which, yeah, is not chump change, but still.

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11 hours ago, ***** said:

My daughter just got engaged and she tells me her future father-in-law would like to throw an engagement party for them for the kids' closest friends.   

So she asked what I thought about an engagement party, although I know she would be excited to have one.  I am more practical and think, why spend money that can be used for rent or wedding later...?  To me, it seems like it opens the door to allowing them to things control later...

 

But it's not their money to spend on rent or the wedding, correct? The f-i-l is throwing the party (if they want it), the f-i-l pays for the party. 

I don't see how that leads to controlling things later. Yes, we'd love an engagement party, thank you. Or, it's so nice of you to ask, but no thank you. 

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A year isn't too fast IMO, but dh and I got engaged 3 months after we started dating and married 4 months later.  Yesterday was actually the 12 year anniversary of out engagement.

Anyway, my advice on the engagement party is, it isn't their money to decide what it would be better spent on.  It the fil wants to throw a party for them and they aren't opposed to the idea then where is the negative here.  It could actually be a positive because it could be a real eye opener for how the future in laws may act while planning the wedding itself.  It might nice to really know the issues that might occur before your in the thick of wedding planning

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2 hours ago, hjffkj said:

It the fil wants to throw a party for them and they aren't opposed to the idea then where is the negative here.  It could actually be a positive because it could be a real eye opener for how the future in laws may act while planning the wedding itself.  It might nice to really know the issues that might occur before your in the thick of wedding planning

 

This, yes, I thought of after I posted my question.

I appreciate everyone's feedback.  Tension in the home?  My daughter has told me some details of manipulation, so this is where I get this idea...both understand boundaries, I am just not sure how strong future groom is to holding to these.  I guess this can be a good test if the situation arises.   

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