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Scarlett
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I did not read most of the comments - there are way too many.

I think an adult son needs to come to the understanding that he and his parent are separate people who are entitled to very different beliefs and boundaries.

This may not be an easy understanding to come to at a young age, but I think it is essential to do so.

I don't think it needs to destroy the parent-child relationship.

That said, if there is a "significant other" involved who is vocally against the parent's belief/boundary, this can make it harder for the son to develop this understanding.

If Scarlett could just try to explain to ALL affected parties that there is no lack of love motivating her decision, maybe that will help.  It might also help if a more detached third party could explain that.

But mostly, I think this is something time needs to work on.

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4 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

Although I still think it is the opposite.  We would be like, "Why did you make such a big deal over THAT?"  And that is probably why she isn't stating.

I know almost nothing about JW beliefs but after reading this entire thread in one sitting, and knocking out one possibility after the other, I'm left wondering if it really is a "huh??" thing to most of us.

Like, her going to the wedding of the underage girl and the lack of response (both in the delayed time and, in Scarlett's son's eyes, not enough punishment) caused her son to choose to have his wedding at a different temple/hall/place as opposed to the one where he is/had been a member (or insert correct term--I hope I got that all right) and that Scarlett chose not to attend because that is a slight on her morals or expectations as a member of her particular temple/hall. Sort of 'he's a member there, so he has to get married there, and since he didn't, she chose not to go. Since it seems that she's the only one who had an issue with it and didn't go, yeah, it is probably a "huh?? thing to us. This is just something that popped into my mind as I read the last couple of pages.

As an aside, over the years, I've often wondered if there isn't a JW message board out there that might be a better fit for many of Scarlett's posts. So much of what she seems to ask/comment on here almost always boils down to her beliefs & moral code once the details come out (and, yes, details matter!) and it seems that most people here have a hard time understanding the nuances of her situation and those threads (her ss's weight, other people's weight, going/not going to a wedding, and many others over the years that I can't think of at the moment) often boil down to a thought process/belief that is outside the norm for the overwhelming majority of us on this board and those threads all end up being contentious and 'better-than' in a lot of instances. I'm thinking a more like-minded forum would be a better fit for her for those moral-leaning topics, as she might get advice that is better-suited to her situation.

Scarlett, since you're still reading and posting 'likes', I want you to know that I've been on these boards for over 10 years and have seen you go through heartache & pain, find love again, and navigate the often-difficult waters of being a step-parent. I sincerely wish the best for you and your son and hope that this will one day be just a horrible, and distant, memory for all involved.

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5 hours ago, Wildcat said:

and it seems that most people here have a hard time understanding the nuances of her situation and those threads (her ss's weight, other people's weight, going/not going to a wedding, and many others over the years that I can't think of at the moment)  

??

I'd be really surprised if the weight thing has anything to do with JW - they do promote healthy living, but that's hardly unique, your body is a temple and all that. The wedding thing is also common to many denominations. 

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Okay, I just want to say that I think you all belong here. (Yes, I'm talking to you, @moonflower, and you, Scarlett, and everybody else!) There is SO MUCH collective wisdom and interesting discussion not only in this thread but on the Hive in general, and I'd hate for any of it to go missing. I've learned a lot and even changed some long-held perspectives just from being here and reading and interacting.

I figure that people will give whatever detail they are comfortable giving or not giving, and we can do our best to help. 

Love you guys. ❤️

p.s. Huge hugs Scarlett. I trust that acting according to your conscience was absolutely necessary for you, but I know that doesn't make things easier. 

Edited by MercyA
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9 hours ago, hjffkj said:

 

Actually, Scarlet's threads are the easiest to predict.  It went exactly as I anticipated it going. 

I would say that the majority of the do-not-copy-cut-or-paste-because-will-delete-later threads follow the same path.  If the post has to be deleted later, should it be posted in first place?  Original posters understandably want sympathy.  When members' speculations or questions get uncomfortable for original posters, original posters mete out details in effort to support their position on matter while basically remaining mum on the whole story.  Advice cannot be given in a vacuum. 

 

 

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39 minutes ago, annandatje said:

I would say that the majority of the do-not-copy-cut-or-paste-because-will-delete-later threads follow the same path.  If the post has to be deleted later, should it be posted in first place?  Original posters understandably want sympathy.  When members' speculations or questions get uncomfortable for original posters, original posters mete out details in effort to support their position on matter while basically remaining mum on the whole story.  Advice cannot be given in a vacuum. 

Eh, I've posted things like that more than once. Sometimes there's something I want to share or something I want to ask and I just don't want it out there forever for anyone to read. (Yes, I know it's technically still out there somewhere, but deleted posts are harder for the average person to find.) Hopefully people here know me well enough to know I'm not just doing it for jollies, and I assume other posters aren't either.

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On 9/15/2019 at 2:43 PM, Frances said:

I disagree. He would be forced to accept that she is not attending because she considers gay marriage wrong and sinful due her religious beliefs and that she is choosing to apply that standard and belief to others, not just herself, rather than showing her love and support to someone who believes differently. She would be hurting him deeply.

And I’m guessing it would almost absolutely guarantee he would never ever consider becoming a Catholic or even explore the faith.

 

And that, if he is ever in trouble or pain and in need of family connection, he will likely look elsewhere.

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4 hours ago, annandatje said:

I would say that the majority of the do-not-copy-cut-or-paste-because-will-delete-later threads follow the same path.  If the post has to be deleted later, should it be posted in first place?  Original posters understandably want sympathy.  When members' speculations or questions get uncomfortable for original posters, original posters mete out details in effort to support their position on matter while basically remaining mum on the whole story.  Advice cannot be given in a vacuum. 

 

 

Other posts like that certainly end the same way, but those seem to be from a handful of posters. I think many posters, even when requesting not to quote/will delete later, are genuinely open to other people's perspectives and don't just want reply after reply of agreement. The people who want agreement or who are continually shocked when they don't get it are the ones who start giving out info to better support their issue.

This time around Scarlett wised up and knew she wouldn't give the full story because she knew most people would not support her decision. Unfortunately, any advice about the actual relationship being mended can't be reliable because the actual facts are what would help people know if they have experience with that type of damaged relationship.

I for one might have been very helpful because the way dh and I got married pissed his siblings off to a point that it could have easily broken their relationship indefinitely. it didn't but the relationships we're strained for years.

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I think I had a similar experience with my mom which I related, although it was comparatively mild.  It was one in which I was angry at her for a time for not agreeing with a moral stance I sort of discovered/grew into as a young adult, and how we both handled it badly in some ways (I was persistent to the point of unkindness where it was pointless, she called me a fanatic and lied to my daughter to subvert the moral boundary).  We have healed the rift somewhat by both backing off some; we're not as close as we were but we're not fighting or anything like that; we don't talk about it and that seems to work.

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7 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Unfortunately, any advice about the actual relationship being mended can't be reliable because the actual facts are what would help people know if they have experience with that type of damaged relationship.

 

Right. Not wanting to go watch an R rated movie that has no particular significance is going to have a different impact on the relationship than not attending a child's wedding. And if disfellowshipping comes into play, that will have a completely different impact. 

Although now I'm wondering if she just skipped the bacholorette party 🙂

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11 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Right. Not wanting to go watch an R rated movie that has no particular significance is going to have a different impact on the relationship than not attending a child's wedding. And if disfellowshipping comes into play, that will have a completely different impact. 

Although now I'm wondering if she just skipped the bacholorette party 🙂

And see that scenario creats a completely different response from people. But I can't imagine that being the case, since I'm pretty sure most people on the hive would side with her in regard to the mother of the  groom not noting to a bachelorette party.

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