Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Recommended Posts

What's crazy is that my only teenager so far (I have 7, the oldest is 14) is actually a great, level-headed, reasonable, intelligent, responsible, just, kind, well-behaved, obedient, helpful kid.  And we're just at the beginning of the coming-of-age years.  And it's hard.  Gah!  what am I going to do with 4 teenagers and a 20-something?!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

This would be one of those issues I would have to negotiate with an adult child who lived at home.

In his room with headphones ? Can't stop you.

In my loungeroom on the TV ? No. Hard no. I choose not to watch 99% of R rated movies, and his desire to watch doesn't have priority over my desire not to be exposed to R rated material in general.

Any adult son of mine who wanted to throw a temper tantrum over that is welcome to move out and have his own, personal loungeroom and TV  tuned 24/7 to R rated movies.

My bold, they would also get a comment along the lines of "your behaviour suggests you might be more interested in watching shows from the toddler section"

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, moonflower said:

What's crazy is that my only teenager so far (I have 7, the oldest is 14) is actually a great, level-headed, reasonable, intelligent, responsible, just, kind, well-behaved, obedient, helpful kid.  And we're just at the beginning of the coming-of-age years.  And it's hard.  Gah!  what am I going to do with 4 teenagers and a 20-something?!

You still have littles around, I think sometimes that helps keep teenagers grounded. There are people with less maturity and more needs than them and they can see that there's no way for the family to revolve around Teenage Ego Numero Uno 😄

  • Like 5
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mine sees the littles as impossible unfair burdens on all that should be hers alone (as the firstborn).  If only we didn't have so many kids, all our money and time and space would be hers, hers, HERS!  And there would be no cleaning, none.  She is very grounded compared to her single-child cousin, but wow does she resent  having to share.  

Which, I get it, sharing is not that much fun. And when you're a lot older than most of them and they're loud and messy, it's hard to see the benefits of so many siblings.  I'm thinking when she grows up and has a great support network she'll be happier.

  • Like 6
  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

He is extremely justice conscious,  He has been shaken to the core over some things that have transpired in our congregation. Me acknowledging there are some serious issues isn’t enough for him.  He wants heads to roll.  So I see it as a good quality that can turn toxic if one can’t exercise some measure of grace and maturity.  

It has really changed who has is.  I really don’t even recognize him right now.  

 

Is he right that heads should roll? If he is as angry as you say he is, and he has been angry for the past three years, this sounds like something very serious.

Is it something that would result in him leaving the church? Does he feel like you’re choosing your church over him? 

You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal — I’m just thinking out loud. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, moonflower said:

Mine sees the littles as impossible unfair burdens on all that should be hers alone (as the firstborn).  If only we didn't have so many kids, all our money and time and space would be hers, hers, HERS!  And there would be no cleaning, none.  She is very grounded compared to her single-child cousin, but wow does she resent  having to share.  

Which, I get it, sharing is not that much fun. And when you're a lot older than most of them and they're loud and messy, it's hard to see the benefits of so many siblings.  I'm thinking when she grows up and has a great support network she'll be happier.

This was mine also. She spends lots of times moaninf about how horrible her life was because “mom was so busy popping out babies that she never had time to....” insert whatever fun thing she missed out on. 

I just have 4 kids, spread out over 10 years.

weve also dealt with elder care stuff so my kids have seen that firsthand. 

My second chooses to see multiple siblings as “hey we can all take turns wiping mom and dads butts when they’re old!”

Edited by fairfarmhand
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do think there is a difference in how it feels to have mom refuse to attend an event that you are part of, and having mom refuse to attend (or to attend over your wishes) some third party thing - be that someone else wedding, a different church, etc. One is about feeling rejected and hurt personally, the other is just them judging something that doesn't truly involve them. 

So, if I invited my mom to XYZ event to support me in something important to me and she refused that would feel and be different from me thinking she should attend some event I'm not a part of. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well to be clear that is not the situation he is currently angry at me about.  

He has been angry for almost 3 years.  

 

I think he should move out ASAP. I feel for you. I have an angry (with me) 20 year old son.  He moved out recently, and that’s a very good thing.  I love him, but I don’t miss him living here. When he’s not angry, ready to follow our house rules, and not miserable to be around, I’d welcome him back if he needed/wanted to be here. But, I hope he never needs to move back, because I think he just needs independence from me and living with me = failure in his mind, which makes him mad, and me miserable. 

So, I’d suggest moving up the move out timeline. 

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, moonflower said:

Mine sees the littles as impossible unfair burdens on all that should be hers alone (as the firstborn).  If only we didn't have so many kids, all our money and time and space would be hers, hers, HERS!  And there would be no cleaning, none.  She is very grounded compared to her single-child cousin, but wow does she resent  having to share.  

Which, I get it, sharing is not that much fun. And when you're a lot older than most of them and they're loud and messy, it's hard to see the benefits of so many siblings.  I'm thinking when she grows up and has a great support network she'll be happier.

.....until the cousin gets to endure under the spotlight of being the only child where you are IT- the one and only- the bearer of all the pressures to succeed-  and there is no other failure/drama from a sibling to distract your very invested parents, who have no other child to distract them from your adult adventures and those of your children, for better or worse. (Said by an only child). 

Hopefully your dd gets to realize all of that with age. The realization as well that, unless you have a great extended network, your parents are your ONLY family unless you marry and have kids. That's a pretty isolating realization. It's my norm. But I do envy people with close extended families. I know they bring their own drama. But as an only at this point in my life, there is something appealing about people to (theoretically) be around to help deal with children, networks, and aging parents. (Although I know from my own Mother and her Mother's decline, that siblings are no guarantee of help there either, sadly.) 

Edited by Æthelthryth the Texan
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, moonflower said:

Mine sees the littles as impossible unfair burdens on all that should be hers alone (as the firstborn).  If only we didn't have so many kids, all our money and time and space would be hers, hers, HERS!  And there would be no cleaning, none.  She is very grounded compared to her single-child cousin, but wow does she resent  having to share.  

Which, I get it, sharing is not that much fun. And when you're a lot older than most of them and they're loud and messy, it's hard to see the benefits of so many siblings.  I'm thinking when she grows up and has a great support network she'll be happier.

 

43 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

This was mine also. She spends lots of times moaninf about how horrible her life was because “mom was so busy popping out babies that she never had time to....” insert whatever fun thing she missed out on. 

I just have 4 kids, spread out over 10 years.

weve also dealt with elder care stuff so my kids have seen that firsthand. 

My second chooses to see multiple siblings as “hey we can all take turns wiping mom and dads butts when they’re old!”

Maybe we've just been lucky with older sibling personalities. Or maybe having the oldest few close together helps? Older kids did not resent the youngers in my own or my husband's FOO, nor do my olders resent the youngers--well, other than the inflexible stages where some can't fathom little people being less mature in their thinking and behavior than their own exceedingly mature selves 😄

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/14/2019 at 6:04 PM, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

.....until the cousin gets to endure under the spotlight of being the only child where you are IT- the one and only- the bearer of all the pressures to succeed-  and there is no other failure/drama from a sibling to distract your very invested parents, who have no other child to distract them from your adult adventures and those of your children, for better or worse. (Said by an only child). 

Hopefully your dd gets to realize all of that with age. The realization as well that, unless you have a great extended network, your parents are your ONLY family unless you marry and have kids. That's a pretty isolating realization. It's my norm. But I do envy people with close extended families. I know they bring their own drama. But as an only at this point in my life, there is something appealing about people to (theoretically) be around to help deal with children, networks, and aging parents. (Although I know from my own Mother and her Mother's decline, that siblings are no guarantee of help there either, sadly.) 

Nm

Edited by Frances
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Is he right that heads should roll? If he is as angry as you say he is, and he has been angry for the past three years, this sounds like something very serious.

Is it something that would result in him leaving the church? Does he feel like you’re choosing your church over him? 

You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal — I’m just thinking out loud. 

No heads don’t need to roll...I mean he literally thinks a few key people should be publicly  shamed or something.  He just can’t let it go.  Some of it is just stuff that is unwise personal decisions but not sinful and not his business.  

  • Like 8
  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, StephanieZ said:

 

I think he should move out ASAP. I feel for you. I have an angry (with me) 20 year old son.  He moved out recently, and that’s a very good thing.  I love him, but I don’t miss him living here. When he’s not angry, ready to follow our house rules, and not miserable to be around, I’d welcome him back if he needed/wanted to be here. But, I hope he never needs to move back, because I think he just needs independence from me and living with me = failure in his mind, which makes him mad, and me miserable. 

So, I’d suggest moving up the move out timeline. 

He moved out. A week ago.  It has been a relief in many ways.  He is just going to have to find his way.  

  • Like 9
  • Sad 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

No heads don’t need to roll...I mean he literally thinks a few key people should be publicly  shamed or something.  He just can’t let it go.  Some of it is just stuff that is unwise personal decisions but not sinful and not his business.  

I think he will gain perspective with maturity and life experience. He has a very solid foundation with loving parents.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was a lot friendlier with my parents, especially my dad, once I moved out.  Part of this was realizing how much they had organized about my life for me that I was taking for granted and part of it was just getting older and wiser.

I think it's a pretty normal part of 20-ish-hood to be strongly idealistic about things, to be very justice driven and not that mercy driven, etc.  Personally I think a lot of this is alleviated by marriage; once you have to live in compromise with someone 24/7, not because they're in a position of power over you necessarily, like parents, but because you love them and want to live with them peaceably and make a life you both feel right about, you sort of learn to moderate the extremes somewhat.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @Scarlett. My dad and I are actually stuck in the middle of what turns out to be a faith-based disagreement.  He very much wants me to participate in activities that I cannot participate in.  He thinks I am rejecting his faith by not agreeing to join him in these activities.  Furthermore, by me saying "Stop asking me to do this", I am in essence asking him to abandon part of his faith.  He has angrily and tearfully yelled at me that no one, not even me, can make him give up his faith.  I am not asking him to give up his faith.  I'm asking him to stop demanding I participate in his faith.  And no, this isn't something as simple as going to church with my dad.  I wish this was a simple disagreement about church attendance. 

There's no solution to the disagreement with my dad.  There is absolutely no middle ground, no compromise here. Either he has to change his mind completely or I do, and neither is likely to happen.  It's definitely impacted our relationship.  I talk with and see him less often.  I would like to see him and talk with him more, but if I do, he's on my case about why won't I XYZ like God wants me to?  It's hard to be in a relationship with someone that constantly reminds you that you are failing to meet their (and God's?) expectations.  It's exhausting, honestly. 

I think I'd feel better if my Dad had ever tried to really understand my perspective on life, faith, spirituality.  He says he's tried, but I think his version of "trying" is "Let's look for a weak spot in her belief system, so I can move in and turn her around to my way of thinking".  Despite what my dad thinks, I actually do have a moral compass, and what he's asking me to do violates it, so I will not capitulate.   

I'm sorry you find yourself in a tough spot, Scarlett.  I hope that with time you and your son can find some middle ground and peace.  

  • Like 2
  • Sad 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

So are you unhappy about his new living arrangement?

No.  Not at all. He married the girl he has been dating for a year. The  ‘thing’ he is mad at me about is unrelated to them as a couple.  He will have to grow up and come around to seeing I did what I felt was right.  I wish them well but I am a little concerned that his ‘my wayor the highway approach won’t serve him well in a marriage.’

 

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Hi @Scarlett. My dad and I are actually stuck in the middle of what turns out to be a faith-based disagreement.  He very much wants me to participate in activities that I cannot participate in.  He thinks I am rejecting his faith by not agreeing to join him in these activities.  Furthermore, by me saying "Stop asking me to do this", I am in essence asking him to abandon part of his faith.  He has angrily and tearfully yelled at me that no one, not even me, can make him give up his faith.  I am not asking him to give up his faith.  I'm asking him to stop demanding I participate in his faith.  And no, this isn't something as simple as going to church with my dad.  I wish this was a simple disagreement about church attendance. 

There's no solution to the disagreement with my dad.  There is absolutely no middle ground, no compromise here. Either he has to change his mind completely or I do, and neither is likely to happen.  It's definitely impacted our relationship.  I talk with and see him less often.  I would like to see him and talk with him more, but if I do, he's on my case about why won't I XYZ like God wants me to?  It's hard to be in a relationship with someone that constantly reminds you that you are failing to meet their (and God's?) expectations.  It's exhausting, honestly. 

I think I'd feel better if my Dad had ever tried to really understand my perspective on life, faith, spirituality.  He says he's tried, but I think his version of "trying" is "Let's look for a weak spot in her belief system, so I can move in and turn her around to my way of thinking".  Despite what my dad thinks, I actually do have a moral compass, and what he's asking me to do violates it, so I will not capitulate.   

I'm sorry you find yourself in a tough spot, Scarlett.  I hope that with time you and your son can find some middle ground and peace.  

To be clear I am not doing that to my son.  He has been doing it to me.  He wants me to see things his way.  I have listened, I have been kind and I have told him he is responsible for his own choices and I am responsible for mine.  

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No.  Not at all. He married the girl he has been dating for a year. The  ‘thing’ he is mad at me about is unrelated to them as a couple.  He will have to grow up and come around to seeing I did what I felt was right.  I wish them well but I am a little concerned that his ‘my wayor the highway approach won’t serve him well in a marriage.’

 

 

Wow! Somehow I missed that he got married. That is big news, Scarlett! 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

Wow! Somehow I missed that he got married. That is big news, Scarlett! 

Yes it is. Unfortunately overshadowed by his anger at me.

  • Sad 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry Scarlett 😞

Are he and his wife living near you? Are you seeing or talking with each other daily?

I'm wondering if some space might help, give him a chance to stop using you as a focus for his negative emotions.

Edited by maize

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, maize said:

I'm sorry Scarlett 😞

Are he and his wife living near you? Are you seeing or talking with each other daily?

I'm wondering if some space might help, give him a chance to stop using you as a focus for his negative emotions.

They aren’t too far away but we definitely aren’t talking.  Space is required for sure.  

I will be ok.....I have good friends, a great husband  and I have peace that I did the right thing.  If he never comes around I will be sad but I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life.  

Edited by Scarlett
  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
30 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

They aren’t too far away but we definitely aren’t talking.  Space is required for sure.  

I will be ok.....I have good friends, a great husband  and I have peace that I did the right thing.  If he never comes around I will be sad but I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life.  

 

I feel like I must be misunderstanding you.

You wouldn’t feel that it ruined your life if you never had contact with your son again? 

  • Like 1
  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I feel like I must be misunderstanding you.

You wouldn’t feel that it ruined your life if you never had contact with your son again? 

I took what she said to mean that she would go forward...because what other choice is there? Of course it would break a parent's heart to have a child cut off contact. But if I child did--and it wasn't the parent's fault--that parent still has to be able to build some kind of satisfying life despite the heartbreak. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every day.

  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes it is. Unfortunately overshadowed by his anger at me.

Aww, Scarlett. I'm so sorry what should have been a happy time was spoiled. That's not fair to any of you. I hope you and your DH are doing kind things for yourselves.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes it is. Unfortunately overshadowed by his anger at me.

 

Please tell us you did not skip your own son’s wedding. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, Valley Girl said:

I took what she said to mean that she would go forward...because what other choice is there? Of course it would break a parent's heart to have a child cut off contact. But if I child did--and it wasn't the parent's fault--that parent still has to be able to build some kind of satisfying life despite the heartbreak. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every day.

 

This just happened. I wouldn’t even be able to think about “going forward” without my son. 

Edited by Catwoman
I misread your post at first. Sorry!
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

This just happened. I wouldn’t even be able to think about “going forward” without my son. 

It didn’t just happen.  This has been going on for the entire summer...frankly I am exhausted from trying to be the bigger person and get through each day.  What would you have me do Cat? Lie down and collapse completely?  I still have to get up and breath every day, be a wife, a step mom a daughter a worshiper of my God.  One person turning on me for keeping my faith should be allowed to destroy the rest of my life?

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It didn’t just happen.  This has been going on for the entire summer...frankly I am exhausted from trying to be the bigger person and get through each day.  What would you have me do Cat? Lie down and collapse completely?  I still have to get up and breath every day, be a wife, a step mom a daughter a worshiper of my God.  One person turning on me for keeping my faith should be allowed to destroy the rest of my life?

 

Oh wow. Did he leave your church and is he insisting that you leave, too? 

I mean, I know it would be very painful for you if he abandoned your faith, but he would still be your son and you would still love him, but is he saying that if you don’t leave your faith, he won’t have anything to do with you? 

I hope that isn’t what is happening. Because he’s not just “one person turning on you.” This is your only son, and I know he means the world to you. I’m so sorry.

 

Edited by Catwoman
Added something!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

Oh yeah, this describes dd2.

She was evangelical, and it came from a good place, of wanting to share harms she was scared we'd expose ourselves to (the eggs) and goods we could embrace if only we knew we could.

We've actually removed many animal products from our diet since, and her example is probably part of that, but it did confuse and upset her that we are not moving at the pace she did. 

We're struggling with this as well-I think it is normal for teens to embrace something with the zeal of a religious convert, and become downright evangelical about it-and then be hurt that others do not immediately see the light. And I think it is also natural for them to reject something that they have been raised to believe, or at least go through a period of questioning it, like starting to notice hypocracy in the church they have been raised in, and to embrace that with evangelical zeal. It's tough, especially when the adults have already gone through that stage and decided on their particular area of compromises and where they are comfortable ethically-which probably isn't nearly as extreme.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scarlet - you have been very forthcoming on this board.  More forthcoming than many would ever be on a public board.  You've shared intimate details of your step son's issues and your background.  I think it's very odd that you are being so vague on this particular issue but letting this thread continue?

I'm sorry you're suffering.  Young adults are hard.   Your son sounds very immature from what you've presented and it's hard to imagine marriage going well.  But that said if you didn't attend his wedding, I can see why he would be hurt and pull away even if he is behaving badly.  Him changing his faith wouldn't be a deal breaker for me either.  But it's pure speculation.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

No heads don’t need to roll...I mean he literally thinks a few key people should be publicly  shamed or something.  He just can’t let it go.  Some of it is just stuff that is unwise personal decisions but not sinful and not his business.  

 

He is that upset about something that isn't even sinful?  That's.... rather drastic a reaction isn't it?  I'm trying to fathom something that difficult that isn't also a sin and honestly coming up blank.

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

No.  Not at all. He married the girl he has been dating for a year. The  ‘thing’ he is mad at me about is unrelated to them as a couple.  He will have to grow up and come around to seeing I did what I felt was right.  I wish them well but I am a little concerned that his ‘my wayor the highway approach won’t serve him well in a marriage.’

 

Does his new wife feel the same way about this issue? Were you able to attend the wedding?

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It didn’t just happen.  This has been going on for the entire summer...frankly I am exhausted from trying to be the bigger person and get through each day.  What would you have me do Cat? Lie down and collapse completely?  I still have to get up and breath every day, be a wife, a step mom a daughter a worshiper of my God.  One person turning on me for keeping my faith should be allowed to destroy the rest of my life?

 

How, exactly, is he demanding you turn from your faith? I honestly don't think you will get much help here without that information.

I'm Roman Catholic.  There's plenty of folks who think no one should be Catholic these days thanks to evil doers in our apple barrels.  Thankfully, none of my kids think that.  However, if they had qualms about our parish that were legit I would and have had to seriously consider that.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Scarlet - you have been very forthcoming on this board.  More forthcoming than many would ever be on a public board.  You've shared intimate details of your step son's issues and your background.  I think it's very odd that you are being so vague on this particular issue but letting this thread continue?

I'm sorry you're suffering.  Young adults are hard.   Your son sounds very immature from what you've presented and it's hard to imagine marriage going well.  But that said if you didn't attend his wedding, I can see why he would be hurt and pull away even if he is behaving badly.  Him changing his faith wouldn't be a deal breaker for me either.  But it's pure speculation.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this issue is a lot closer to the pain of her heart than her stepson's weight or her son's inability to get the laundry done correctly.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scarlet, I am completely confused about just what is going on and without more information I think it's going to be very difficult for anyone to give you any useful advice.  

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can think of a couple instances where I would not attend a wedding.

If I knew they were not intending to have a sacramental wedding but wanted a church wedding for non sacrament reasons.  Such as, "It's so pretty!" Or "My grandma a wants a catholic wedding." - these are actual reasons I've heard people get turned down for having weddings in a Catholic Church.  While I hope all my kids have wonderful and valid Catholic weddings and marriages, if that is not what they are committing to - I'd rather they have a civil wedding than commit blasphemy.  And sad as I'd be about the civil wedding, I'd most likely happily go and just keep praying for spiritual growth in their lives.

I would not attend a same sex wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that required I break the bank to go.  We have actually not attended many weddings over the years for this reason.  Apparently super expensive, time and travel intensive, black tie weddings sans children are all the rage.  While that's their choice, an irresponsible one imnsho, I am not going to go into debt to attend their wedding.  And frankly, I'd be really hurt if any of my kids expected that of us.

edited for tmi 🙂

Edited by Murphy101
l.
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
40 minutes ago, moonflower said:

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this issue is a lot closer to the pain of her heart than her stepson's weight or her son's inability to get the laundry done correctly.

I don't doubt that.  But then why start a thread about it?  No one can actually comment in a meaningful way or give their actual thoughts. 

And I don't think anyone should minimize sharing so much of someone else's weight struggles.  I highly doubt the SS would have been ok with those intimate details posted.    That is an issue that is no doubt close to his heart.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I agree about the stepson, and I was generally critical in those threads; this thread is not about that, though, and it makes sense to me that it's more delicate for Scarlett given her disposition towards the two issues.

I gathered that she started a thread about it to gain perspective on what other people have done or thought or would think when going through something similar - the specific circumstance is not as important, maybe, as just the dynamic.  I mean, we on this thread have shared similar experiences from veganism to religious differences to just run-of-the-mill why-me-ism, and it's been helpful for me if it hasn't been for Scarlett 🙂

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
37 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Scarlet, I am completely confused about just what is going on and without more information I think it's going to be very difficult for anyone to give you any useful advice.  

 

I agree. On the other hand, I can understand that it’s a very personal thing and that she started the thread at a time when she was incredibly upset and was mainly looking for support. 

I won’t lie, though — I keep trying to piece her posts together to try to figure out what’s going on. It seems as though it involves something that happened at her church and her son thinks it’s unforgivable and Scarlett thinks it’s bad but not unforgivable, and her son is insisting that she should leave her church over it. But I could be completely misinterpreting what’s going on.

I know this is probably completely wrong, but I am starting to wonder if there was some kind of abuse going on in that congregation and the son’s new wife was a victim of that abuse. That might explain why he would be so angry. It might also explain why there doesn’t appear to have been a traditional church wedding. But again, that’s total conjecture. I hope it’s nothing as bad as that. But it has to be something very significant, right? Otherwise, Scarlett’s son wouldn’t have been angry about it for the past three years. (I’m pretty sure she said in an earlier post that it has been three years.)

Whatever happened, I’m very sad for both Scarlett and her son, because they were always so close. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I don't doubt that.  But then why start a thread about it?  No one can actually comment in a meaningful way or give their actual thoughts. 

And I don't think anyone should minimize sharing so much of someone else's weight struggles.  I highly doubt the SS would have been ok with those intimate details posted.    That is an issue that is no doubt close to his heart.

 

12 minutes ago, moonflower said:

Yes, I agree about the stepson, and I was generally critical in those threads; this thread is not about that, though, and it makes sense to me that it's more delicate for Scarlett given her disposition towards the two issues.

I gathered that she started a thread about it to gain perspective on what other people have done or thought or would think when going through something similar - the specific circumstance is not as important, maybe, as just the dynamic.  I mean, we on this thread have shared similar experiences from veganism to religious differences to just run-of-the-mill why-me-ism, and it's been helpful for me if it hasn't been for Scarlett 🙂

 

I agree — I was thinking that she started the thread because she was upset and she needed to talk to someone, yet she was feeling too raw and she wasn’t up to dealing with criticism about how she was handling the situation, so she was concerned about sharing too many details. I can understand that. 

But at this point, I have a feeling that our own personal speculations are probably far worse than what is actually going on. I know that my mind has been going in several different directions and each scenario is more bizarre and tragic than the one before it. I wish we knew the whole story so maybe we could give Scarlett some ideas about how to mend her relationship with her son, yet I can also see her side of this and realize how hard it would be to type it all out and post it here. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I agree. On the other hand, I can understand that it’s a very personal thing and that she started the thread at a time when she was incredibly upset and was mainly looking for support. 

I won’t lie, though — I keep trying to piece her posts together to try to figure out what’s going on. It seems as though it involves something that happened at her church and her son thinks it’s unforgivable and Scarlett thinks it’s bad but not unforgivable, and her son is insisting that she should leave her church over it. But I could be completely misinterpreting what’s going on.

I know this is probably completely wrong, but I am starting to wonder if there was some kind of abuse going on in that congregation and the son’s new wife was a victim of that abuse. That might explain why he would be so angry. It might also explain why there doesn’t appear to have been a traditional church wedding. But again, that’s total conjecture. I hope it’s nothing as bad as that. But it has to be something very significant, right? Otherwise, Scarlett’s son wouldn’t have been angry about it for the past three years. (I’m pretty sure she said in an earlier post that it has been three years.)

Whatever happened, I’m very sad for both Scarlett and her son, because they were always so close. 

No time to post much, but I want to say that not one thing you speculated is correct.  Not at all. And what my son is angry about in our congregation  is unrelated to what he is mad at me about.  

I wil post more later.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Scarlett said:

No time to post much, but I want to say that not one thing you speculated is correct.  Not at all. And what my son is angry about in our congregation  is unrelated to what he is mad at me about.  

I wil post more later.  

 

I am relieved to hear that I was wrong! Thank you for letting me know!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scarlett, I just wanted to jump in here and give you a hug. I have no idea what is going on, but I know if my child was not speaking to me and had been angry for 3 years, I would be heartsick, so just big hugs for you. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 At my church today the gospel was the passage about the shepherd searching for his lost sheep. And the woman searching for her lost queen. It was a good counterbalance to the scripture talked about in the thread earlier about the father not chasing after the prodigal son. That is true, and yet the shepherd did chase after the sheep. One more place where scripture presents two different scenarios and it is up to us to decide which applies more to the situation I guess. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I can think of a couple instances where I would not attend a wedding.

If I knew they were not intending to have a sacramental wedding but wanted a church wedding for non sacrament reasons.  Such as, "It's so pretty!" Or "My grandma a wants a catholic wedding." - these are actual reasons I've heard people get turned down for having weddings in a Catholic Church.  While I hope all my kids have wonderful and valid Catholic weddings and marriages, if that is not what they are committing to - I'd rather they have a civil wedding than commit blasphemy.  And sad as I'd be about the civil wedding, I'd most likely happily go and just keep praying for spiritual growth in their lives.

I would not attend a same sex wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that required I break the bank to go.  We have actually not attended many weddings over the years for this reason.  Apparently super expensive, time and travel intensive, black tie weddings sans children are all the rage.  While that's their choice, an irresponsible one imnsho, I am not going to go into debt to attend their wedding.  And frankly, I'd be really hurt if any of my kids expected that of us.

edited for tmi 🙂

While I too am absolutely no fan of the type of wedding you describe in your third paragraph, I can’t imagine not attending if it was my child’s wedding. I too have made the decision not to attending weddings due to cost or location, but for my child, it would be quite different. 

Maybe I have you confused with someone else, but I think I recall you posting awhile back looking for scuba or snorkeling destinations around the world, including Japan, for vacations you were planning. Paying for you and your spouse to attend an expensive destination wedding for a child would seem to be in the same ballpark. But please forgive me if I have you confused with someone else.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I agree. On the other hand, I can understand that it’s a very personal thing and that she started the thread at a time when she was incredibly upset and was mainly looking for support. 

I won’t lie, though — I keep trying to piece her posts together to try to figure out what’s going on. It seems as though it involves something that happened at her church and her son thinks it’s unforgivable and Scarlett thinks it’s bad but not unforgivable, and her son is insisting that she should leave her church over it. But I could be completely misinterpreting what’s going on.

I know this is probably completely wrong, but I am starting to wonder if there was some kind of abuse going on in that congregation and the son’s new wife was a victim of that abuse. That might explain why he would be so angry. It might also explain why there doesn’t appear to have been a traditional church wedding. But again, that’s total conjecture. I hope it’s nothing as bad as that. But it has to be something very significant, right? Otherwise, Scarlett’s son wouldn’t have been angry about it for the past three years. (I’m pretty sure she said in an earlier post that it has been three years.)

Whatever happened, I’m very sad for both Scarlett and her son, because they were always so close. 

 

I thought the cause of the 3 years of anger was separate from the current not speaking to her issue.    Otherwise, why is he all of a sudden not speaking to her after being angry for three years if nothing new has happened? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Where's Toto? said:

 

I thought the cause of the 3 years of anger was separate from the current not speaking to her issue.    Otherwise, why is he all of a sudden not speaking to her after being angry for three years if nothing new has happened? 

 

You’re probably right. I’m very confused!

But when she said in earlier posts that this was about something immoral and about her faith, I guess it all tied together in my mind. I was thinking (incorrectly!) that he had been angry for 3 years about the church stuff, but that things have gotten really bad within the last 3 months, and that everything came to a head recently, maybe having something to do with the son’s wedding plans. 

But pay no attention to me! I am just trying to put all of the cryptic messages together and tie them all up into one story, and I’m apparently doing a lousy job of it. 🙂

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

I can think of a couple instances where I would not attend a wedding.

If I knew they were not intending to have a sacramental wedding but wanted a church wedding for non sacrament reasons.  Such as, "It's so pretty!" Or "My grandma a wants a catholic wedding." - these are actual reasons I've heard people get turned down for having weddings in a Catholic Church.  While I hope all my kids have wonderful and valid Catholic weddings and marriages, if that is not what they are committing to - I'd rather they have a civil wedding than commit blasphemy.  And sad as I'd be about the civil wedding, I'd most likely happily go and just keep praying for spiritual growth in their lives.

I would not attend a same sex wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that required I break the bank to go.  We have actually not attended many weddings over the years for this reason.  Apparently super expensive, time and travel intensive, black tie weddings sans children are all the rage.  While that's their choice, an irresponsible one imnsho, I am not going to go into debt to attend their wedding.  And frankly, I'd be really hurt if any of my kids expected that of us.

edited for tmi 🙂

I find it pretty mind boggling that someone wouldn't go to a same sex wedding, and especially for their own child!

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/15/2019 at 9:39 AM, Selkie said:

I find it pretty mind boggling that someone wouldn't go to a same sex wedding, and especially for their own child!

Nm

Edited by Frances
  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...