Whiny vent ahead - so tired of having to adult

[LMD]

My second child turned 12 last week. I was looking through some old photos of my newborn son and my adorable toddler daughter. I wanted to cry over the beautiful, sweet, simple scene. I was only 23 years old then, I thought I was old enough to handle it. I'm 35 now and I feel like such a cliche, this is hard, really hard. Relentlessly hard. Marriage is hard. Teenagers who think I'm the enemy is hard. Parenting is hard. Runninging a home is hard. Homeschooling is hard. Sicknesses and dramas and problems and hard things just don't ever stop, there's no getting on top of things. It's just failure compounding failure. Chaos. Entropy. And it's not even anything catastrophic! We are doing okay, can't complain. I'm just so soul weary.

I'm sorry, I just had another thing-we-could've-done-without come up tonight and needed to get it out somewhere.

[fairfarmhand]

20 minutes ago, LMD said:

My second child turned 12 last week. I was looking through some old photos of my newborn son and my adorable toddler daughter. I wanted to cry over the beautiful, sweet, simple scene. I was only 23 years old then, I thought I was old enough to handle it. I'm 35 now and I feel like such a cliche, this is hard, really hard. Relentlessly hard. Marriage is hard. Teenagers who think I'm the enemy is hard. Parenting is hard. Runninging a home is hard. Homeschooling is hard. Sicknesses and dramas and problems and hard things just don't ever stop, there's no getting on top of things. It's just failure compounding failure. Chaos. Entropy. And it's not even anything catastrophic! We are doing okay, can't complain. I'm just so soul weary.

I'm sorry, I just had another thing-we-could've-done-without come up tonight and needed to get it out somewhere.

YES! 

Me too. My oldest is 21. My youngest is 11. In the last 10 years, we've lost my mom, my husbands father, both after long, debilitating illnesses. 

We've had some major family crises. 

There's a cloud. I feel cynical. 

I look at the pictures with my little ones and wonder what happened to the young, cheerful mom of those kids. It's like I am a totally different person.

I'll be 40 next month. It is hard. I get it.  

 

ETA: I'm at the place where I kinda feel sorry for couples who are getting married. I hate that all the joy and happiness of that day will all too quickly be tarnished. I hate for the tragedy that they will have to endure. No, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired. It feels like there's always something going on that's bad.

Edited August 28, 2019 by fairfarmhand

[LMD]

Thank you fair, I'm so sorry you've had a rough run.

Yes, exactly. I feel bad for my younger kids that the optimistic, fun, light mum isn't here for them. I'm tired, I'm busy, I'm stressed and nothing turns out the way it should. And yes, I relate to the feelings about young couples. I feel bad about that, because I remember resenting cynical older folks for trying to rain on my  bulletproof young adult parade. Now I know, it's not a parade, it's a tedious march in circles through quicksand...

[scholastica]

So there right now, too. Trying to recapture joy in the face of despairing events. 

[Guest]

I’m sorry. I hear you loud and clear. Many times I think my first two kids got the benefit of a mom with an extraordinarily charmed life and my youngest got the wrecked mom who had suffered tragedy. I have tried to mitigate it as best I can and give the youngest the best I can manage, but it’s still just a different circumstance in multiple areas. Even just the fact that the first two had a healthy, energetic grandma, which youngest got much less of makes me sad. 

[hjffkj]

Sorry you are struggling. I've been feeling the same way recently.  The worst part for me is that as all those things in life started getting hard one by one my marriage was the only constant easy in my life.  Recently, it seems to have gotten hard and because of that everything has gotten ten times harder.  And I see no way to improve any of it right now.  Dh is extremely busy at work, most weekdays the kids don't see him for more than a half hour in the morning.  Because they miss him so much they lash out at me all day long.  I'm starting to resent him for his career choice and i just don't know how much more I can take.  Our marriage is strong so I know we'll get through this but I'm pretty sure one day I'm just going to start applying for jobs and when I get one I'll surprise him by telling him it is his turn to stay home and run everything.

[fairfarmhand]

33 minutes ago, LMD said:

Thank you fair, I'm so sorry you've had a rough run.

Yes, exactly. I feel bad for my younger kids that the optimistic, fun, light mum isn't here for them. I'm tired, I'm busy, I'm stressed and nothing turns out the way it should. And yes, I relate to the feelings about young couples. I feel bad about that, because I remember resenting cynical older folks for trying to rain on my  bulletproof young adult parade. Now I know, it's not a parade, it's a tedious march in circles through quicksand...

I don't say anything to the happy, optimistic young couples. In fact, I sorta envy their joy. And I wish I were not so jaded by life.

[LMD]

I'm sorry hjffkj, I miss my less world weary husband too.

[LMD]

32 minutes ago, scholastica said:

So there right now, too. Trying to recapture joy in the face of despairing events. 

Thank you for your reply scholastica, it helps to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry you're facing difficult circumstances.

[LMD]

23 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m sorry. I hear you loud and clear. Many times I think my first two kids got the benefit of a mom with an extraordinarily charmed life and my youngest got the wrecked mom who had suffered tragedy. I have tried to mitigate it as best I can and give the youngest the best I can manage, but it’s still just a different circumstance in multiple areas. Even just the fact that the first two had a healthy, energetic grandma, which youngest got much less of makes me sad. 

Yes, I hear you too. I'm sorry for your suffering.

It's just different, I adore my youngers, well all my kids, so much, I wish I could be the best for them. 

[MysteryJen]

This is the part no one talks about- but I think all of us suffer at this stage. Pretty sure research shows this too. Life with teens is hard. Marriage has seasons of hard, sometimes long seasons.

I have found that kids moving out helps. Even though you miss them, their everyday struggles becomes theirs and you have a little space to reclaim yourself.

But basically, there are many days that I am sure I would not make the same choices. And others where I feel too trapped to change.

[Valley Girl]

Another one who hears you. I went to bed last night and just cried. I'm so deep-down weary of everything. Unemployment (again). Homeschooling a lightly motivated special needs kiddo (whom I love deeply, don't get me wrong) and the constant cheerleading and hands-on effort that requires . More loneliness than I ever expected. Lack of extended family. Years of unfinished projects (and being reminded of them at every turn). Health problems. A future I don't feel excited about. I tell myself that my perspective is skewed... that I'm blessed in so many ways... that others daily struggle with things far, far worse... that this, too, shall pass when I pull myself together. But right now? I'm pretty pathetic.

[mommyoffive]

Glad I am not alone with these feelings.   I relate to what everyone is saying.  I was just thinking this as I was going through the little kids clothes.  Aww life was so much easier when they were little.  Looking back at pictures of dh and me when we were just newly married and not seeing the rough roads ahead.   Teens are so much harder.   I always knew that I wasn't going to enjoy having teens and boy was I right.   I love them and sometimes it is fun, but mostly it is a lot of attitude.  

Anyway I look back at it and I can't believe that dh and I made it through all that we have so far.  

[LMD]

6 minutes ago, MysteryJen said:

This is the part no one talks about- but I think all of us suffer at this stage. Pretty sure research shows this too. Life with teens is hard. Marriage has seasons of hard, sometimes long seasons.

I have found that kids moving out helps. Even though you miss them, their everyday struggles becomes theirs and you have a little space to reclaim yourself.

But basically, there are many days that I am sure I would not make the same choices. And others where I feel too trapped to change.

Yes, that's right. I don't know that these were the fantastic choices they seemed 16 years ago, when we were starry eyed newlyweds. But it is where I am now and I am bonded to these people so, needs must. 

[LMD]

3 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Glad I am not alone with these feelings.   I relate to what everyone is saying.  I was just thinking this as I was going through the little kids clothes.  Aww life was so much easier when they were little.  Looking back at pictures of dh and me when we were just newly married and not seeing the rough roads ahead.   Teens are so much harder.   I always knew that I wasn't going to enjoy having teens and boy was I right.   I love them and sometimes it is fun, but mostly it is a lot of attitude.  

Anyway I look back at it and I can't believe that dh and I made it through all that we have so far.  

I always thought I'd love having teens, that I'd be able to understand and empathise better. That homeschooling would give us a wonderful relationship where they don't need to rebel much. Haha I was so arrogant! I wasn't prepared for the reality that, as the safe person, I would bear the brunt of focussed teen angst! That sweet baby girl with ringlets and doe eyes would hate me because the world is a scary, confusing place.

[LMD]

Thanks for your reply ValleyGirl. Oh, the unfinished projects are just. so. demoralizing. Yes, I'm a failure, I get it! I'll sit by you and we can be pathetic together. I'll share my chocolate.

[gardenmom5]

hugs.  hang in there.  teens grow into adults that appreciate their parents.  (and will even take the parent's side against younger teens....)

[Katy]

Hugs.  This too will pass.  25-32 was terrible for me, with relationships, health, family, and career.  At the moment I'm happier than I've ever been, even on days when everything feels difficult or kids are driving me crazy.  There are seasons that are hard and seasons that are easy.  It will get better.  And worse, and better again.

[scholastica]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I’m sorry. I hear you loud and clear. Many times I think my first two kids got the benefit of a mom with an extraordinarily charmed life and my youngest got the wrecked mom who had suffered tragedy. I have tried to mitigate it as best I can and give the youngest the best I can manage, but it’s still just a different circumstance in multiple areas. Even just the fact that the first two had a healthy, energetic grandma, which youngest got much less of makes me sad. 

I have some of those same feelings. We haven’t had heartbreak near to what you have, but other challenges have led to a loss of joy. Two of mine are out at college. The two that had that mom when they were young. Trying to give some of that to the younger two now. It just looks different.

[LMD]

5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

hugs.  hang in there.  teens grow into adults that appreciate their parents.  (and will even take the parent's side against younger teens....)

Promise?! 😁

[klmama]

20 minutes ago, MysteryJen said:

I have found that kids moving out helps. Even though you miss them, their everyday struggles becomes theirs and you have a little space to reclaim yourself.

 

This.  I love my adult dc dearly, but no longer being aware of all of their everyday frustrations has significantly decreased my stress level. 

[frogger]

I've always been jealous of people who could focus on school. My husband lost his job when my second was 1 week old, well actually he knew it was going to happen before she was born.  I have had tiny little breaks where I could think about school and excercise but mostly it's been trials of some kind: court cases, elder care with immanent death, job losses, illnesses (and no not the common cold)  remodels due to earthquakes, it never ends. When someone complains about broken appliances I'm like really? That's a big deal but then I remember it's probably on top of something bigger. 

At this point I feel it's my job to teach my kids how to get through these things. It may be more important than traditional school subjects (not that I don't cram those in) but boy what would I think of homeschooling at the beginning if I knew real life would  get in the way?

[Valley Girl]

18 minutes ago, LMD said:

Thanks for your reply ValleyGirl. Oh, the unfinished projects are just. so. demoralizing. Yes, I'm a failure, I get it! I'll sit by you and we can be pathetic together. I'll share my chocolate.

Aww. You're so sweet. You're making me puddle up again!

[fairfarmhand]

23 minutes ago, LMD said:

I always thought I'd love having teens, that I'd be able to understand and empathise better. That homeschooling would give us a wonderful relationship where they don't need to rebel much. Haha I was so arrogant! I wasn't prepared for the reality that, as the safe person, I would bear the brunt of focussed teen angst! That sweet baby girl with ringlets and doe eyes would hate me because the world is a scary, confusing place.

I do love teens. We have so much fun together. But my young adult dd is really....struggling. And making unwise decisions. And my second dd struggles with planning for the future. Thankfully, my kids don't typically see me as the enemy. There's typical crabbiness and all, but that young adult is making up for all that the younger set aren't giving me.

And then there's the "If I had parented better maybe oldest wouldn't have...."

14 minutes ago, LMD said:

Thanks for your reply ValleyGirl. Oh, the unfinished projects are just. so. demoralizing. Yes, I'm a failure, I get it! I'll sit by you and we can be pathetic together. I'll share my chocolate.

Last spring, I stopped it with the unfinished project (at least the ones that were mine) I emptied the sewing stuff and packed my car with Goodwill things. I found that having the undone projects around me sapped any joy I wouldve found in working on them. So I made a decision to just junk them. I have a small drawer to keep my UFOs in and that's that. I work on them when I can, but there's not piles of them. I completely got rid of most of my craft stuff, passing it on to others who will love and use it. I'm not that mom any more. I don't care about scrapbooking. I don't care about making interesting artworks for the house. It's just not me anymore. 

 

Maybe one day, I get back to that stuff, but it may be awhile. 

It was very freeing. I have space and tidiness where there were piles of discouragement. Even though I can't do anything about my BIG problems, closing the door on that part of my past self was helpful.

[Valley Girl]

I'm really liking some of the practical suggestions people are making (thank you, fairfarmhand). So here's mine... in addition to sharing chocolate with LMD, I'm going to take DS and head out for some exercise. Then I'm going to block off a chunk of time this afternoon to do a thorough PT workout instead of trying to squeeze it in between other stuff. Exercise doesn't change a whole lot (well, maybe the PT will), but it's something good I can do to make me feel more in control of things.

You guys don't know what a godsend you are.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, LMD said:

Promise?! 😁

 

There are no guarantees unfortunately looking at my big extended family. However I do have two very horrid narcissistic uncles and not as horrid but still bad cousin.

When I was 35, we just got our green card for US (relocated when I was 32), my kids were 3 and 2 (relatively late marriage) and our finances were hand to mouth with my parents bailing us out financially with paying for baby/toddler stuff.

My breast cancer diagnosis came when my kids turn 13 and 14. My DS14 has always look after DS13, cook meals for him and take care of him. He just did lots more of looking after DS13 while I spend hours at medical facilities. Now we are trying to “rescue” his high school GPA because his 9th grade year was a mess (he had two disorganized teachers) not entirely due to his fault.

A few of my cousins were “trouble makers” until their late twenties. Brain maturity is now said to be at 25, for those cousins it was more like 29 when they start maturing. 

ETA:

My brother’s wife is 36 and her health report just came back with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, slightly high TSH, BMI in the obese range. Their only child is 7. They are waiting for the follow up doctor appointment. My brother has bought a blood pressure monitor for her.

ETA:

A good friend had a first breast cancer diagnosis when she was 34 and her only child was 2, second diagnosis when she was 44 and she has recovered from the second round. Life throw curveballs unfortunately.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Arcadia

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, Valley Girl said:

I'm really liking some of the practical suggestions people are making (thank you, fairfarmhand). So here's mine... in addition to sharing chocolate with LMD, I'm going to take DS and head out for some exercise. Then I'm going to block off a chunk of time this afternoon to do a thorough PT workout instead of trying to squeeze it in between other stuff. Exercise doesn't change a whole lot (well, maybe the PT will), but it's something good I can do to make me feel more in control of things.

You guys don't know what a godsend you are.

That's a good idea too. 

Honestly, for me it comes down to owning the person I am now, and shedding the stuff that feels like that "past me" who is a total stranger.

So the clothes that aren't the current me....gone.

The books I liked then...gone

The craft stuff, recipe book collection (other than top faves)....gone

And I even freshened up the house so that it reflects more of who I am now. Simpler, less showy. Fewer family pics, more abstract artwork. (Not that I don't still love my family, but I have fewer more artistic photos up in a hallway, and not in the living room.) 

 

[lovinmyboys]

I feel this way too. I think when I was younger I thought I had a lot more control over how my life would turn out than I actually do. 

[MysteryJen]

37 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

That's a good idea too. 

Honestly, for me it comes down to owning the person I am now, and shedding the stuff that feels like that "past me" who is a total stranger.

So the clothes that aren't the current me....gone.

The books I liked then...gone

The craft stuff, recipe book collection (other than top faves)....gone

And I even freshened up the house so that it reflects more of who I am now. Simpler, less showy. Fewer family pics, more abstract artwork. (Not that I don't still love my family, but I have fewer more artistic photos up in a hallway, and not in the living room.) 

 

I got my family to move. New town, fresh start for me. Losing some not-so-great friendships, downsizing hard, and planning for the future and empty nest.

It helped for a while- but can't jettison people so easily.

[BooksandBoys]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

Honestly, for me it comes down to owning the person I am now, and shedding the stuff that feels like that "past me" who is a total stranger.

So the clothes that aren't the current me....gone.

The books I liked then...gone

The craft stuff, recipe book collection (other than top faves)....gone

And I even freshened up the house so that it reflects more of who I am now. Simpler, less showy. Fewer family pics, more abstract artwork. (Not that I don't still love my family, but I have fewer more artistic photos up in a hallway, and not in the living room.) 

 

This is where I’m heading. 

I’m tired of looking at “old me” and missing her. It hurts. 

I’m mostly ok with who I am today (I think I’m a pretty great survivor a lot of the time, but other times, I’m ashamed of my emotional scars). I look at old me, who had energy and dreams and optimism galore and I miss her. I’m still crazy optimistic...you have to be, I think, to be able to navigate special needs and wake up every morning hoping that today will be better, but it’s with a level of realism that feels draining. Yes, I hope it will be better, but it’s often like I’m hoping my abuser (the autism meltdowns, I mean) won’t hurt me today. That’s not so much optimism as insanity, maybe. 😂

Anyway, I want to be ok with saying goodbye to old me even though I miss her. I liked her. She was interesting and fun. But current me isn’t so bad either. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, LMD said:

Promise?! 😁

yes.... though at times they'll also take the younger teen's side against the parent...  "(I know both sides mom"...)

but they do grow up.

your mother should tell you this.   and you're younger than my oldest.....

[prairiewindmomma]

How are you doing with taking care of you? Put on your oxygen mask. Exercise. Eat well. Spend time with friends. When you have found a well to draw on within yourself, look at the big picture and see what needs to shift so that you can take care of you. I sat down and charted all I did in a day for a month with task breakdown (stuff only I could do versus stuff I could theoretically delegate) and realized I was doing the work of three people with no break. No wonder I was exhausted!

For us, dh quit a FT travel job, we relocated cross country so he could work with a home-life balance and we put the kids in school for a bit. I needed to be “just mom”.  Things may shift again at some point, but it's ok to take care of you (and to not be someone else's battering ram). 

Edited August 28, 2019 by prairiewindmomma

[freesia]

I felt that way, too, when my first two were navigating the early teen years.  One of my favorite lines was,and still is,  “I am not your enemy.”

So many things happened, out of our control, that spun our lives.  I did realize I have far less absolute control over what happens than I thought.

i ended up seeing a counselor for 18 months. It was wonderful.  It was great to have someone to process with and help me have healthier thinking patterns.  I am in such a good place now and have more energy and joy even as I am dealing with my third 14 year old, with a ten year old beginning the early adolescent journey.

I don’t know if that would help you ( and I actually started going bc a family member who needed counseling wouldn’t and I was like the proxy.). I just wanted to share in case it is helpful to anyone. 

The absolutely number one most helpful thing I learned to do was to list what was going well particularly when I started feeling down. If I was discouraged with a child, I listed what was going well ( not even perfectly—even baby steps made the list.). If I felt a teen wasn’t listening to my wise advice, I learned to look for the small ways they were.

Anyway, you are not alone, but there is hope of coming out the other side.

[LMD]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes.... though at times they'll also take the younger teen's side against the parent...  "(I know both sides mom"...)

but they do grow up.

your mother should tell you this.   and you're younger than my oldest.....

Thanks gardenmom!

My mother... is a whole nuther thread.

[J-rap]

I understand.  I lived a picture-perfect life until about ten years ago.  Now, things that I would have never, ever even imagined happening, have happened.  Every day is a struggle now.  Sometimes, I daydream that I had just remained single and lived my life that way.  It's a really nice daydream.  🙂 

But, what I've come to realize is that life will throw you curveballs no matter which path you choose.  Life is just like that.  It has its charmed seasons, and its really difficult seasons.  Nobody escapes that.  Knowing that I own my attitude, and can choose to try and steer through troubled times with that, helps. 

I read an autobiography this past summer about a pioneer woman who lived a hard but amazing life.  I saved this quote:

“The Wizard of the Never-Never weaves his spells, until hardships, and dangers, and privations, seem all that make life worth living…”

It reminds me that truly, this is the core of it.  It's gritty and beautiful all at once.  

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, LMD said:

Thanks gardenmom!

My mother... is a whole nuther thread.

I'm sorry - and I understand.

 

You can be the mother to your children you wish you had.  it is very satisfying to be able to have the relationship you wish you had.  and I'd rather have it with my own children, and not with my mother - than to have had it with her, and not with my own children.

[Janeway]

13 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

YES! 

Me too. My oldest is 21. My youngest is 11. In the last 10 years, we've lost my mom, my husbands father, both after long, debilitating illnesses. 

We've had some major family crises. 

There's a cloud. I feel cynical. 

I look at the pictures with my little ones and wonder what happened to the young, cheerful mom of those kids. It's like I am a totally different person.

I'll be 40 next month. It is hard. I get it.  

 

ETA: I'm at the place where I kinda feel sorry for couples who are getting married. I hate that all the joy and happiness of that day will all too quickly be tarnished. I hate for the tragedy that they will have to endure. No, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired. It feels like there's always something going on that's bad.

Ditto. Everyone, almost everyone, has died. I am very close to being the oldest generation in my family. When I was having my first, everyone was alive. We spent time with them. Live was great. Now...just sad, so very sad. It is all memories and I am struggling to try to figure out how to move forward while looking back. It is something that we are never told will happen some day. Or did not realize. My grandma is in her 90's, she feels even worse than me.

[fairfarmhand]

I’m writing a bible study on women whose lives took hard turns. They had to swallow some difficult situations and learn to cope. I don’t know that it’s gotten deep emotion yet to change my cynicism. But I’m hoping it will help a little. Perhaps it will get me looking forward instead of back. 

[Tap]

I have a younger (unmarried/no children) friend who is always telling me I need to 'carve out a bit of me time' or 'do something for just me'.  What she doesn't understand. Is that she is right...I should.  But, when you have a life full of chaos, and keeping balls in the air...you can't stop.  Not for one minute. Because  it will all come crashing down at your feet!!! 

Even if I go away for a few day, I return to that pile of life that crashed down when I was gone and it make me sadder than if I had just stayed in place!  Then I have to put all the balls back in motion and recover from my sadness too!  It is all just too much.  

Too much heart break, Too many regrets. Too much chaos. Too much drama. Too many  meals to make. Too much laundry. Too much going backward.  Not enough time. Not enough me. 

[Valley Girl]

9 hours ago, Tap said:

I have a younger (unmarried/no children) friend who is always telling me I need to 'carve out a bit of me time' or 'do something for just me'.  What she doesn't understand. Is that she is right...I should.  But, when you have a life full of chaos, and keeping balls in the air...you can't stop.  Not for one minute. Because  it will all come crashing down at your feet!!! 

Even if I go away for a few day, I return to that pile of life that crashed down when I was gone and it make me sadder than if I had just stayed in place!  Then I have to put all the balls back in motion and recover from my sadness too!  It is all just too much.  

Too much heart break, Too many regrets. Too much chaos. Too much drama. Too many  meals to make. Too much laundry. Too much going backward.  Not enough time. Not enough me. 

That's the thing, isn't it? The balance is so delicate sometimes that the momentum of keeping everything going is the only thing that keeps YOU going. Hugs, Tap. You've got so much on your shoulders.

[mommyoffive]

9 hours ago, Tap said:

I have a younger (unmarried/no children) friend who is always telling me I need to 'carve out a bit of me time' or 'do something for just me'.  What she doesn't understand. Is that she is right...I should.  But, when you have a life full of chaos, and keeping balls in the air...you can't stop.  Not for one minute. Because  it will all come crashing down at your feet!!! 

Even if I go away for a few day, I return to that pile of life that crashed down when I was gone and it make me sadder than if I had just stayed in place!  Then I have to put all the balls back in motion and recover from my sadness too!  It is all just too much.  

Too much heart break, Too many regrets. Too much chaos. Too much drama. Too many  meals to make. Too much laundry. Too much going backward.  Not enough time. Not enough me. 

 

So true.   My dh is always like take a few days and go away.  Heck book a trip to Japan.  Sounds good, but I know when I get back there will be so much for me to do.  Plus I would have to get them all ready for me to be gone.  Which would take tons of work.    I just hope it gets easier in 10 years or so.   But I have older friends with grand kids and they are running around more than I am.  So I don't know if that works or not. 

[gardenmom5]

10 hours ago, Tap said:

I have a younger (unmarried/no children) friend who is always telling me I need to 'carve out a bit of me time' or 'do something for just me'.  What she doesn't understand. Is that she is right...I should.  But, when you have a life full of chaos, and keeping balls in the air...you can't stop.  Not for one minute. Because  it will all come crashing down at your feet!!! 

Even if I go away for a few day, I return to that pile of life that crashed down when I was gone and it make me sadder than if I had just stayed in place!  Then I have to put all the balls back in motion and recover from my sadness too!  It is all just too much.  

Too much heart break, Too many regrets. Too much chaos. Too much drama. Too many  meals to make. Too much laundry. Too much going backward.  Not enough time. Not enough me. 

next time she makes the suggestion - ask if she's volunteering to take over while you're gone. 😜

[mom2scouts]

I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not the only one who needs a whiny vent this week. This month has been full of frustrations. Nothing is major, but it's just all of it together is making me feel so unsettled. First of all, one thing after another is breaking. We needed car repairs, then garage door repairs, then the dryer needed to be replaced, then the internet was out, then we needed a new router, then it went out again when we tried to hook up the printer with the new router, then the dishwasher needed repairs. The internet being out messed up my plans for our first full week of school. Somehow all of our indoor cats got fleas.

In the middle trying to fix one of those issues, my mom called to tell me she was having severe pain and was calling an ambulance. She doesn't live close enough to me for me to help her. My sister injured herself a few weeks ago and needed surgery. My other sister has an odd and scary health issue that doctors can't figure out. My elderly dad is starting to have some memory issues.

My dh is a Scout leader and the kids want to do all kinds of things, but the parents won't step up to do anything at all. Without more help from parents, they can't do anything because of the 2 deep rule and the need for drivers. Worse, neither the parents or Scouts respond to (multiple forms of) communication and then wonder why things get cancelled. DH has been doing this for decades and we've never had this much trouble trying to get parents to do anything at all to help. Youngest ds is losing interest and will age out next year anyway, so I'm trying to get dh to move on and spend time doing the activities that ds is enjoying now. DH is hesitant because there isn't a single person to step up and take his place and I'm starting to resent the large amounts of time he's spending away from our family for people who won't do stuff for their own teens. DH and I barely see each other as it is.

DD got her schedule for her sport this week and it's going to involve more expense and travel than expected. I'm already starting to worry about long drives in bad weather and extra expenses. Some seasons really are harder and I'm just feeling so frustrated and tired this month!

 

[LMD]

Thank you everyone, this has been so cathartic.

[fairfarmhand]

A little part of me feels guilty for my disappointment. Because there are so many who have it worse. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

We have friends we catch up with each school holidays.

"So," she asked, "what have you been doing for the last three months?"

"Um. Becoming more cynical," said I.

 

Even three months ago, I didn't realise how much more cynical it was possible to get. Ha.

[G5052]

Yes, I lived perpetual crises all the way through homeschooling. Big, gut-wrenching things happened every year that made me question whether I could go on. Some of the oldtimers may remember. My youngest's senior year was the all-time hardest. I was glad she graduated then because I truly could not have continued. 

And you know what? They ended up as highly resilient young adults. They live with me and commute to college now, one a senior and one a junior. Both are top-notch students and are wise beyond their years. They are more together than many of their friends. I think in some ways they are more mature than I was at that age.