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Still in a funk after a move


lovinmyboys
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We have been here two months now and I still hate it. This is the 5th place we have lived since having kids 13 years ago. I loved all the other places and have never had trouble making friends for me or the kids. We still haven’t made friends here and frankly I think the people here are rude. They are “friendly” but not very inclusive at all. We have been so lucky to have met nice people who included us right from the beginning at our other locations.

We are currently in the largest city of this state, but it isn’t a big city. We bought a house in a small suburb, but I am really regretting it. It seems like almost everyone has lived here their whole lives and they don’t really like outsiders much. It is so weird and unexpected for me. Plus, my kids all play team sports. The other parents are so incredibly competitive. Seriously, I have never seen anything like it. It is like they root for other kids on their own team to fail, so their kid looks better. 

I did a bit of school with the kids today, then declared the rest of the day free and I am in bed. This really isn’t like me. It is a beautiful day outside and normally we would go to the park or zoo or something to enjoy it. 

I just can’t  imagine living here another 3-5 years. I’m hoping when I look back at this in a year everything will have worked out and I will see that it is just hard in the beginning. I’m hoping that we just haven’t met the right people yet or maybe my bad attitude about the move has clouded my perspective. Maybe it is harder now that everyone is older.

ETA: I’m sure not everyone here is rude. I shouldn’t judge a whole town. I just haven’t had good experiences with our neighbors and sports teams so far and we usually have met really great people from both those places.

Edited by lovinmyboys
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I feel you.

I don't have any words of advice, but I feel you.  I cried when I found out where our last move was taking us and I nicknamed it Hell.  While I did eventually meet good people, those first few months were downright awful and I never did feel comfortable there.  In fact, I didn't realize how much my mindset was really affecting me until we moved again and I felt interested in things, my health problems nearly disappeared, and I wanted to start writing again.  I didn't want to write while I was there.  I didn't know I was even depressed until I was in a different environment, does that make sense?  And I'm living in a place now where it's like high school labeling all over again, except there's one group who are generational, those of us who moved here but will never "belong" here (we're 400 years too late to count as locals), the snowbirds, and the tourists.  But it's less segregated than the fake nicey-nice of Hell, where a single question could determine if they wanted to extend friendship or just talk at you with polite phrases.

On athletics - one thing I learned here was the type of sport parent depended on the sport.  The major sport is one that the parents and coaches are way too competitive with.  If my kid didn't like it so much he wouldn't play this year.  We aren't those type of parents and I have no desire to be. The less "popular", for lack of a better term, sports, they're more laid back.  We found a genuinely loving environment there.  It's nice, and I'll definitely sign my kid up again.  It made me wonder if each sport had its own vibe and type of parent on the sidelines. LOL

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I would bet that the biggest change is that your kids are older.  I doubt that really makes you feel any better.  I moved a lot growing up and I hated it.  As an adult I spent 29 years in the same city.  So I feel your pain but I have  no words of wisdom. 

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There are definitely good moves and bad moves. And it makes it a million times worse if it’s a bad move for your kids. The experience for my kids at our last place was so bad, we pulled them from school and drove them to the next town over. While attending an event to scope out the school, a stranger started a conversation with me and I choked back the tears as I realized it was the first time since we had moved three months before. Sadly things never did improve there, and we moved as soon as we could. 

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It's a thing in some places where people have lived there forever and kind of have their tribe and assume everyone else does, too.  I don't know how you break through it except with a long time commitment or a bonding process with other out of staters or a combination.  Is there a university in town that draws people from elsewhere?  Honestly, those or fellow church members are likely to be your first friends.

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1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

We have been here two months now and I still hate it. This is the 5th place we have lived since having kids 13 years ago. I loved all the other places and have never had trouble making friends for me or the kids. We still haven’t made friends here and frankly I think the people here are rude. They are “friendly” but not very inclusive at all. We have been so lucky to have met nice people who included us right from the beginning at our other locations.

We are currently in the largest city of this state, but it isn’t a big city. We bought a house in a small suburb, but I am really regretting it. It seems like almost everyone has lived here their whole lives and they don’t really like outsiders much. It is so weird and unexpected for me. Plus, my kids all play team sports. The other parents are so incredibly competitive. Seriously, I have never seen anything like it. It is like they root for other kids on their own team to fail, so their kid looks better. 

I did a bit of school with the kids today, then declared the rest of the day free and I am in bed. This really isn’t like me. It is a beautiful day outside and normally we would go to the park or zoo or something to enjoy it. 

I just can’t  imagine living here another 3-5 years. I’m hoping when I look back at this in a year everything will have worked out and I will see that it is just hard in the beginning. I’m hoping that we just haven’t met the right people yet or maybe my bad attitude about the move has clouded my perspective. Maybe it is harder now that everyone is older.

ETA: I’m sure not everyone here is rude. I shouldn’t judge a whole town. I just haven’t had good experiences with our neighbors and sports teams so far and we usually have met really great people from both those places.

 

This sounds like how my dad described South Carolina after they moved there.  They were there 25 years+ and I think they eventually settled in but were also glad to leave when they moved back to Texas last year.

 

Edited by vonfirmath
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Ugh. I’ve been there and it’s awful. I’m sorry you are having such a rough transition/experience and hope it improves for you in time. If not, I hope you have an escape route. Ours was turning our backs on a long held and hard fought dream, but it was worth changing course when it didn’t work out. I’d never been so lonely or so depressed. 

((Hugs)) It’s tough to feel out of place. 

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7 hours ago, vonfirmath said:

This sounds like how my dad described South Carolina after they moved there.  They were there 25 years+ and I think they eventually settled in but were also glad to leave when they moved back to Texas last year.

 

I was just gonna say this sounds like Tennessee where my homeschooling cousins recently moved. I didn't have the heart to be a Debbie Downer and say it might be very difficult to adjust coming from NY, CT and FL. They've never lived in the "South" and, while they are conservative Christians, it's different down there. We go where the military sends us, for better or worse. Sometimes it's awesome (we are loving VA!) and sometimes it's torture (Gulfport...UGH!).

Edited by Sneezyone
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4 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

 

I was just gonna say this sounds like Tennessee where my homeschooling cousins recently moved. I didn't have the heart to be a Debbie Downer and say it might be very difficult to adjust coming from NY, CT and FL. They've never lived in the "South" and, while they are conservative Christians, it's different down there. We go where the military sends us, for better or worse. Sometimes it's awesome (we are loving VA!) and sometimes it's torture (Gulfport...UGH!).

 

We just moved from Northern VA, and we loved it there. I was not expecting to like it as much as we did. Maybe that is how I should approach future moves-have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised. 

We lived in Cincinnati before that and loved it there too. I was expecting this place to be similar to Cincinnati, but it isn’t at all (at least in my experience). My expectations were way off.

 

 

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30 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

 

We just moved from Northern VA, and we loved it there. I was not expecting to like it as much as we did. Maybe that is how I should approach future moves-have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised. 

We lived in Cincinnati before that and loved it there too. I was expecting this place to be similar to Cincinnati, but it isn’t at all (at least in my experience). My expectations were way off.

 

Always, always research and talk to as many different kinds of people as you can. I know we don’t always get a lot of options tho. Sometimes people tell me a place is the bees knees but they don’t share some of my specific concerns and it’s hard to know how to take what I hear. I hope you find your tribe quickly tho. Being unconfy can really make the time drag. Maybe there is a spouse group that can help ease the transition? At lest they’re used to being ‘new’. A bunco  group helped me when we first moved overseas too. As for the kids, when we moved to an insular community like that (CT circa 1988), my parents found that success was the best revenge/entree? Everyone wanted to befriend the giant outfielder with a wicked swing. The big brown newbie, not so much.

Edited by Sneezyone
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Two months really isn't that long...  I think sometimes people might appear uninterested, but really, they're just a little shy or uncomfortable about meeting new people, and it's so much easier to stick with who you know.  It's not really that they're against newcomers.  But, it might be up to you to reach out.  Can you invite some moms in your neighborhood over?  Or offer to help a neighbor with something?

In the small town that we just left, the newcomers who seem to transition the easiest are those who get involved -- often with volunteer work, or community projects that are looking for good workers for their committees, etc.  When we first moved to our previous town, my dh randomly volunteered to help paint the old train depot that the town was trying to fix up.  Within about two weeks, he was head of the project.  People were just glad that someone stepped forward to do it -- haha.    He met a lot of people pretty quickly that way.  

Now we've moved again, and he's already volunteered to work at the local homeless shelter.  Sometimes I wish he'd slow down!  But he gets antsy.  He also generally meets people pretty quickly as a result.  

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We moved almost a month ago. Moving is a killer!!!

Like you, we truly loved northern VA. It was inclusive and diverse with kids who loved education and involved parents of teens! Sports there were awesome from an Olympic decathlete as my dd’s pole vault coach to awesome travel volleyball to my sons first (great!) soccer experience... we had great neighbors and great church friends. We loved our little neighborhood pool and easy access to great grocery shopping PLUS all of the cool stuff downtown.  And my sister lives not too far away....

Our move after that was rough. Maybe it was me, but our next small Midwest town didn’t compare - not inclusive, zero diversity, meanie sports parents with kids who’ve known each other forever. I struggled to make real friends, though our kids really thrived, actually. Still not my favorite, and maybe it was just my bad attitude because of the NoVA shadow (no duck donuts?!?)

Anyway, we just moved again and I think I’m going to love it here in our new town. Maybe I’m just glad to break away, or maybe I’m better at lonely, or maybe I can’t worry about it yet since I am dropping dd18 off at colleges this weekend and feeling too emotional about that to even think about me?  But either way, so far it’s feeling good. I don’t have any advice, and I’m trying to figure out how to fit a 4 bed 3 bath house with basement into a 3 bed 2 bath NO BASEMENT house! Waaaa!

But I can commiserate. Moving really is the worst. It takes at least 6 months for me to feel okay and 18 months to really feel at home. I’m so sorry you are struggling. I hope next week is better. I hope one sports parent lets you in. I hope you find the perfect spot for a walk or bike ride. Things are going to start getting busy with fall around the corner. I hope you have the best farmers market! And maybe a little crepe cafe nearby!!

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10 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

 

I was just gonna say this sounds like Tennessee where my homeschooling cousins recently moved. I didn't have the heart to be a Debbie Downer and say it might be very difficult to adjust coming from NY, CT and FL. They've never lived in the "South" and, while they are conservative Christians, it's different down there. We go where the military sends us, for better or worse. Sometimes it's awesome (we are loving VA!) and sometimes it's torture (Gulfport...UGH!).

It's odd. There are pockets of clannishness. So I live within 20 minutes drive of 4 counties. Of those 4, there is one that is VERY clannish. But if you're willing to make a little of a drive you'll end up in some very diverse and welcoming places. There's an army base nearby and the areas around there are used to newcomers. Also, the city is better than the rural areas, but again, it's just a 25 minute drive to the city. 

The thing that our groups struggle with when people come from other areas is that they're often not used to the fact that certain opportunities require driving, and there's little public transportation. So you have to make it work for your family, the opportunities will not come to your door and beat it down. Preteens and upper elementary parents HAVE to drive their kids around, otherwise, yes, you will be left alone.

OP, I'm sorry you're struggling. I never, ever want to move again. I grew up moving every three years and ugh. 

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A few weeks after we moved here, we were at the neighborhood park and about 5 families were playing kickball together. My kids love kickball and that is something we have done with other families quite a bit. I thought maybe we had moved into a great neighborhood for us. We asked if they would mind if we joined in and they told us we couldn’t-it was just for families in their cul-de-sac. We live just a few houses away from that cul-de-sac. I do think not everyone has to be friends and not everyone has to play together, but I still thought it was rude. It made me really sad because I thought maybe we would have what we had at other places, but they weren’t interested-which is fine, but it still wasn’t a very nice welcome to the neighborhood. Plus, it has made me more skittish about putting myself out there again.

I did tell one of my dh’s co-workers spouse about it and she said she had something similar happen to her when they first moved. A bunch of kids were playing on the neighbor’s play set and her girls asked to play and they said no-including the adults. It wasn’t a birthday party or anything. It was just neighbor kids playing together one evening. 

There also seems to be a culture here of being afraid of people you don’t know. Several times my kids have been told by neighbor kids that they aren’t allowed to play with kids their parents haven’t met. I don’t know if it is true or an excuse to be mean, but to me if you let your kids go to the neighborhood park without you, you should be comfortable if they play with other neighbor kids the same age. 

I’m sure I am getting ahead of myself, but I am worried this will be my kids’ childhood-watching the neighbor kids play and not being allowed to play with them. My acquaintance with the play set issue did say that her kids now have friends in their neighborhood, but it took about 6 months.

That on top of the crazy sports parents has just really upset me. Most homeschool stuff doesn’t start until after Labor Day around here, so hopefully we can meet some people that way. We are also eventually planning on attending church, so maybe that is another avenue to make friends.

 

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1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

A few weeks after we moved here, we were at the neighborhood park and about 5 families were playing kickball together. My kids love kickball and that is something we have done with other families quite a bit. I thought maybe we had moved into a great neighborhood for us. We asked if they would mind if we joined in and they told us we couldn’t-it was just for families in their cul-de-sac. We live just a few houses away from that cul-de-sac. I do think not everyone has to be friends and not everyone has to play together, but I still thought it was rude. It made me really sad because I thought maybe we would have what we had at other places, but they weren’t interested-which is fine, but it still wasn’t a very nice welcome to the neighborhood. Plus, it has made me more skittish about putting myself out there again.

I did tell one of my dh’s co-workers spouse about it and she said she had something similar happen to her when they first moved. A bunch of kids were playing on the neighbor’s play set and her girls asked to play and they said no-including the adults. It wasn’t a birthday party or anything. It was just neighbor kids playing together one evening. 

There also seems to be a culture here of being afraid of people you don’t know. Several times my kids have been told by neighbor kids that they aren’t allowed to play with kids their parents haven’t met. I don’t know if it is true or an excuse to be mean, but to me if you let your kids go to the neighborhood park without you, you should be comfortable if they play with other neighbor kids the same age. 

I’m sure I am getting ahead of myself, but I am worried this will be my kids’ childhood-watching the neighbor kids play and not being allowed to play with them. My acquaintance with the play set issue did say that her kids now have friends in their neighborhood, but it took about 6 months.

That on top of the crazy sports parents has just really upset me. Most homeschool stuff doesn’t start until after Labor Day around here, so hopefully we can meet some people that way. We are also eventually planning on attending church, so maybe that is another avenue to make friends.

 

I am so sorry. 😞

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On 8/28/2019 at 10:10 AM, lovinmyboys said:

A few weeks after we moved here, we were at the neighborhood park and about 5 families were playing kickball together. My kids love kickball and that is something we have done with other families quite a bit. I thought maybe we had moved into a great neighborhood for us. We asked if they would mind if we joined in and they told us we couldn’t-it was just for families in their cul-de-sac. We live just a few houses away from that cul-de-sac. I do think not everyone has to be friends and not everyone has to play together, but I still thought it was rude. It made me really sad because I thought maybe we would have what we had at other places, but they weren’t interested-which is fine, but it still wasn’t a very nice welcome to the neighborhood. Plus, it has made me more skittish about putting myself out there again.

I did tell one of my dh’s co-workers spouse about it and she said she had something similar happen to her when they first moved. A bunch of kids were playing on the neighbor’s play set and her girls asked to play and they said no-including the adults. It wasn’t a birthday party or anything. It was just neighbor kids playing together one evening. 

There also seems to be a culture here of being afraid of people you don’t know. Several times my kids have been told by neighbor kids that they aren’t allowed to play with kids their parents haven’t met. I don’t know if it is true or an excuse to be mean, but to me if you let your kids go to the neighborhood park without you, you should be comfortable if they play with other neighbor kids the same age. 

I’m sure I am getting ahead of myself, but I am worried this will be my kids’ childhood-watching the neighbor kids play and not being allowed to play with them. My acquaintance with the play set issue did say that her kids now have friends in their neighborhood, but it took about 6 months.

That on top of the crazy sports parents has just really upset me. Most homeschool stuff doesn’t start until after Labor Day around here, so hopefully we can meet some people that way. We are also eventually planning on attending church, so maybe that is another avenue to make friends.

 

What the what?! A cul-de-sac is a very limited number of houses right?  Good grief.  That is very rude.  

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On 8/28/2019 at 11:10 AM, lovinmyboys said:

A few weeks after we moved here, we were at the neighborhood park and about 5 families were playing kickball together. My kids love kickball and that is something we have done with other families quite a bit. I thought maybe we had moved into a great neighborhood for us. We asked if they would mind if we joined in and they told us we couldn’t-it was just for families in their cul-de-sac. We live just a few houses away from that cul-de-sac. I do think not everyone has to be friends and not everyone has to play together, but I still thought it was rude. It made me really sad because I thought maybe we would have what we had at other places, but they weren’t interested-which is fine, but it still wasn’t a very nice welcome to the neighborhood. Plus, it has made me more skittish about putting myself out there again.

I did tell one of my dh’s co-workers spouse about it and she said she had something similar happen to her when they first moved. A bunch of kids were playing on the neighbor’s play set and her girls asked to play and they said no-including the adults. It wasn’t a birthday party or anything. It was just neighbor kids playing together one evening. 

There also seems to be a culture here of being afraid of people you don’t know. Several times my kids have been told by neighbor kids that they aren’t allowed to play with kids their parents haven’t met. I don’t know if it is true or an excuse to be mean, but to me if you let your kids go to the neighborhood park without you, you should be comfortable if they play with other neighbor kids the same age. 

I’m sure I am getting ahead of myself, but I am worried this will be my kids’ childhood-watching the neighbor kids play and not being allowed to play with them. My acquaintance with the play set issue did say that her kids now have friends in their neighborhood, but it took about 6 months.

That on top of the crazy sports parents has just really upset me. Most homeschool stuff doesn’t start until after Labor Day around here, so hopefully we can meet some people that way. We are also eventually planning on attending church, so maybe that is another avenue to make friends.

 

Yep.  I was shocked when there were homeschool groups here that couldn't be joined unless a member "vouched" for a new person, so if you're new to area, you're not welcome.  When I pressed about that I was told, "Because once there was a new person with a knife."  That's obviously BS. Even if it's not, that's such a rarity people shouldn't base policy on it.  The Co-op I joined has a FB group and the Nervous Nellie who runs the FB page (not the director of the co-op)  has this policy too.  When I asked why, she said very dramatically, "Because we might not KNOW them which is dangerous."  She never could tell me why not knowing someone would be a threat to discussing homeschooling online.  The park day is posted at the co-op website and the parents are present at the park day.   Not exactly a high risk situations.

Conversations with her have been interesting.  She's from a nearbysmall town and is overwhelmed that the big city is growing and extending itself out over the small towns.  She laments change a lot.  She's an older mom (her oldest is 30 and the youngest is 16.) At one of the park days for the co-op she was really overreacting to the fact that someone had taken a wallet, police think, while the owner was getting kids out of the other side of the van into a stroller. Then the culprit immediately went on a spending spree buying gift cards. The cops were tracking it all down.  Nervous Nellie stopped every single person at the park and rehashed the story very excitedly and reminded them to lock their car doors.  (Standard practice for most people from cities and I'd wager many small towns.) She  kept going on and on about it. " I can't believe someone would do that!! How could someone do something like that? What's this world coming to?" People were nice to her but they were getting irritated after a while.

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On 8/28/2019 at 11:10 AM, lovinmyboys said:

A few weeks after we moved here, we were at the neighborhood park and about 5 families were playing kickball together. My kids love kickball and that is something we have done with other families quite a bit. I thought maybe we had moved into a great neighborhood for us. We asked if they would mind if we joined in and they told us we couldn’t-it was just for families in their cul-de-sac. We live just a few houses away from that cul-de-sac. I do think not everyone has to be friends and not everyone has to play together, but I still thought it was rude. It made me really sad because I thought maybe we would have what we had at other places, but they weren’t interested-which is fine, but it still wasn’t a very nice welcome to the neighborhood. Plus, it has made me more skittish about putting myself out there again.

I did tell one of my dh’s co-workers spouse about it and she said she had something similar happen to her when they first moved. A bunch of kids were playing on the neighbor’s play set and her girls asked to play and they said no-including the adults. It wasn’t a birthday party or anything. It was just neighbor kids playing together one evening. 

There also seems to be a culture here of being afraid of people you don’t know. Several times my kids have been told by neighbor kids that they aren’t allowed to play with kids their parents haven’t met. I don’t know if it is true or an excuse to be mean, but to me if you let your kids go to the neighborhood park without you, you should be comfortable if they play with other neighbor kids the same age. 

I’m sure I am getting ahead of myself, but I am worried this will be my kids’ childhood-watching the neighbor kids play and not being allowed to play with them. My acquaintance with the play set issue did say that her kids now have friends in their neighborhood, but it took about 6 months.

That on top of the crazy sports parents has just really upset me. Most homeschool stuff doesn’t start until after Labor Day around here, so hopefully we can meet some people that way. We are also eventually planning on attending church, so maybe that is another avenue to make friends.

 

I can see their point.  What if their kids play with just anyone and some heathen starts telling them the earth is really old or something.  You can't just risk that!

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