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Scattering remains


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15 hours ago, cjzimmer1 said:

Well my 90+ grandmother has spent most of her adult life insisting she would be buried in a very revealing lace negligee.  She also wanted a church funeral.  No amount of discussion would change her mind.  She had purchased it when she was around 50 and everyone who knew her, knew that her wishes were to be buried in that.  However, some of the family members were very uncomfortable with the idea of her laying with an open casket (her wishes) in that particular clothing item in a church.  So yeah, we overrode her wishes. Well we kind of compromised.  She had the negligee on but we put a nice suit over it.  You may disagree with me, but sometimes I think it's okay to agree to agree with something to keep the peace but change it afterwards.

Yes, if the deceased's wishes are unreasonable, then people aren't obligated to follow through.  An open casket funeral at church with the deceased in a negligee is unreasonable. I think it's perfectly OK, and frankly obligatory, to respond to someone explaining those wishes, " I can't think of anyone I know who would be willing to do that for someone at their funeral.  I doubt anyone actually will do that.  They'll probably choose to change something about that-either the open casket part or the clothing part." How the person stating those wishes responds to that is up to them.

No one has a moral obligation to participate in someone else's nonsense.

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I think it's worth noting in this discussion what the estate lawyer told my mom and step-dad about choosing an executor: Which kid can say no under pressure?  Which kid is the least swayed by emotion?  Pick that kid to be the executor of your will. It was the same advice when we had ours done.

I think there just are personality types who aren't suited to acting outside of their emotions, and when emotions are high, they're unable to withstand any of their own impulses. Unfortunately, with smaller families these last few generations, there are fewer kids to choose from and many people are stuck with people who aren't really built for these kinds of situations. 

It's frustrating at the other end too. I had this type of conversation with my dad (76) and emotives struggle with facing uncomfortable realities.  He hasn't got anything in writing and won't really address unpleasant possibilities/probabilities, in spite of both of his children fully committed to respectfully following his wishes even if it's not what we would choose for him or for ourselves, because adults get to decide for themselves.

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